“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
I was always someone who craved love and attention. This is not to say that I accepted love willingly—quite the opposite, in fact.
If someone decided to like or even love me they would have to pass through a path of obstacles, being pushed, pulled, and tested at every corner. Only then, upon arrival at the finish line, would they gain my acceptance.
As you can imagine, this eliminated a number of potential friends and partners, and I often found myself lonely and disappointed.
The root of my inability to accept love easily stems back to my childhood.
My mother was unable to connect with me. She got pregnant during the height of her modeling career. After she gave birth, her career dried up. She resented the attention that a baby attracted and, in addition to this, she was highly addicted to narcotics.
Growing up with my mother telling me that she felt no love and was ashamed of me made me desperate to be the perfect daughter. I would go to any length to prove myself worthy, even taking drugs with her as a way of connecting.
When I was fifteen years old, she upped and left with no goodbye, leaving me with my stepdad and an overwhelming sense of failure.
If my own mother could not love me, how and why would anyone else?
After my mother left, I disguised my pain through drugs and control. Drugs provided an instant, closely-bonded social network. I tried to take control through self-harm. My life continued like this for ten years. I hated myself, and I was terrified of letting anyone in.
Throughout these years, I did several stints in rehabilitation centers, where nurses and psychiatrists worked hard on me.
I would almost give in and build connections with these people; however, when the time came to leave these institutions, I would find myself alone all over again.
I was desperate for a loving relationship and a career. My battles were hindering me from achieving either.
Luckily, I had a fantastic education under my belt, through a childhood spent at top boarding schools. It was just a matter of escaping this vicious cycle that I had spent the majority of my life spinning around in.
I had stopped the drugs but was addicted to self-pity. Therapy had taught me that I needed to let go and learn to trust. This sounds quite easy now, but back then the very idea was not only terrifying but also impossible.
A Time for Change
I always dreaded birthdays and holidays. On my twenty-fifth birthday I woke up with an annual feeling of dread.
I went to the store to buy some cigarettes and the lady at the counter asked me for some identification. I handed it over and she said to me, “It’s your birthday today. You look so young. Your mother should be very proud of you.”
It was such a flippant statement, but for some reason it struck a chord. After all my years of therapy, these words from a stranger hit home. I can’t really explain it, but I felt a whole hoard of emotions: anger, regret, understanding, and, finally, relief.
I felt that, yes, my mother should be proud of me—and I felt sorry for her that she was unable to feel that way.
I wanted to have a chance at life, to meet someone and have my own children that I could love and be proud of. I realized then that this would only happen if I stopped treating myself the same way my mother did.
Considering how long and hard it was to reach this point, turning my life around was surprisingly easy. The hardest point was the realization.
If you’d like to treat yourself better than your parents did and open up to love, I recommend:
Write Through your Feelings and Fears
I didn’t want to cause myself any more harm; I wanted to connect and understand how I worked instead. Writing things down served as a great release.
Go out and get a journal with the exclusive intention of putting your emotions into words. Try and pinpoint when and what makes you feel good or sad.
By putting everything on paper, you can then reference your emotions, look into your behavioral patterns, and recognize what made you feel a certain way and how you dealt with it.
Keeping a journal keeps you connected to yourself so you can make real changes that last.
Risk Trusting Other People
Instead of testing people in my life, I let go and granted people access. I decided that even if someone let me down, I could handle it.
Moving circles helped. I got back in touch with people I liked growing up, and I was surprised to find that a number of them were happy to reconnect with me.
This was a difficult step, as rejection is way out of my comfort zone. However, I put myself on the line and trusted my instincts to contact these people. As I started to feel more connected and less alone, I realized this paid off.
I also decided to be open with new people that came into my life. I didn’t scare them off at the first encounter, but as relationships began to develop, I would explain how my past affected me, and how I’d chosen to move on and be happy.
Almost everyone I opened up to was completely supportive. Openness became a two-way street. I learned that most people had experienced their own struggles. Our confessions strengthened these new relationships.
I also learned that not everyone is someone I can open up to—but the more I do it, the better instincts I have about who to let into my life.
Taking risks with people is essential for happiness. After all, it is better to have experienced at least some loving friendships than to sit alone, fearing heartache.
Let Go of the Old Stories
I have let go of my mother. I realized that I was heading up a similar path to her, and this taught me to feel compassion for her. I have released all the negativity I held toward her, and now I just hope that one day she can learn to love herself.
In order to let go, I needed to understand my mother. Because we were barely in contact, I had little information to go on. I collected everything I knew about her, from her childhood, her time with my dad, and the time she spent with me.
With all this information I recognized that she was a troubled woman who was unable to make real human connections. I sensed that she must have been suffering with some kind of depression or illness.
By looking at her in this way, I could see that her leaving had nothing to do with me. If she hadn’t had me and had given birth to another daughter, it would have been the same outcome.
Once I realized that our unhealthy non-relationship wasn’t my fault, I was able to stop blaming her and hanging onto the victim story.
Once you stop telling the story, it has less power over you.
Love Yourself
In the past, I tried to hurt and hide from myself, and all this did was make me lose myself further. By braving up and removing all the escape methods, I have found my raw being.
Vulnerability is not a negative state. It is how we start our path. I have just started mine slightly later than most.
By loving myself, I allow others to love me. I love myself because I am still here, and I can see my life changing around me. When I have moments of insecurity, I read through my journals, speak to friends, or throw myself into tasks I enjoy, like baking.
Since changing my outlook, I have started working and have formed a number of great friendships. I have even gotten in touch with my mother and told her that I have forgiven her. I don’t think we will ever have a relationship, but I am alright with that.
The important thing is that I have finally opened myself up to other loving relationships.
Have you?
About Marie
Marie has a passion for writing, covering a range of topics from personal confessions, bridal sets, relationships, and travel.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Excellent Article “Marie” & TINY Buddha! I especially identify with this important lesson: “I also learned that not everyone is someone I can open up to—but the more I do it, the better instincts I have about who to let into my life.”~Marie (i’ve only recently learned this too, and i’m in my 40s).i’ve been writing about forgiveness too (with the help of Dr. Fred Luskin’s Book “Forgive For Good”) ~ especially learning the skill of letting go of “old stories” to one self and to others.
I would love to read more of your writings Marie; hope you will write more for TINY Buddha.
~ sarah nean bruce
ps~here are two of my most heartfelt and revelatory articles on forgiveness & letting go…
http://sarahneanbruce.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/w-o-w-5-stages-to-forgiving/ http://sarahneanbruce.wordpress.com/2010/11/25/bonus-p-o-v-on-w-o-w-5-stages-of-letting-go-and-forgiving/
This came to me on a day when I most needed to read it. <3
I feel it took a lot of courage to write this, to bear your soul and your piece resonated deeply within me with my ‘artistic’ narcissistic abusive mother and painful childhood. Many years and painful friendships & relationships later, and after much therapy and reflection, I have developed compassion for her and the courage to be me. However, now in mid life, making friends is still a long process and I am mustering up the courage to try open myself up to love again after a failed marriage. The early wounds are deep and facets of the scars show up in new ways as time goes on but each day is a new beginning and I have faith… God Bless you on your journey…
It could have been my own story, I didn’t take drugs but most of the other things were a mirror to my life and it caused me problem upon problem to be rejected. I have my own kids and have a problem being “loving” it is a work in progress. I find it easier with my grandbabies and I don’t know why. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You are a brave wonderful soul and have put words to what so many of us suffer from. We are all looking for love and connection, but we must learn to trust ourselves and love, in spite of our childhoods.
We must unlearn all our past and learn our way back to love.
Love and Light,
Lubna
Wow. THANK YOU for this. My mother never left me, but had (and still has) problems connecting with me. I had problems with drinking/pills and still am working on loving myself – it’s a constant work in progress. Always trying to numb the pain – when in fact I should be feeling it and understanding it.
Glad I cam across this, I needed to see I’m not the only one. Bless you!
Thank you … such a gift for me – “If she hadn’t had me and had given birth to another daughter, it would have been the same outcome.” These words have helped me more than I can say today … thank you. <3
I really related to this, specially “Turning my life around was surprisingly easy. The hardest point was the realization.”
Before any major change the idea always seems terrifying, and self-pity feels like a warm comfort spot to stay in, but then come the realization and suddenly you’re free from all the thoughts that had once restricted the way you feel. Loving yourself only seems natural but it takes a lot of bravery to reach this point, & you’re absolutely right, vulnerability is not a negative state, why emotions are such weakness to some is something beyond me. I feel like we should respect what are emotions are trying to tell us.Much love,Farah x
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Mary.
Writing is indeed very therapeutic but it takes even more courage and love to share it with strangers on a website. Though i have a feeling that many readers can relate one way or another, i know i can.
Thank you!
who is this woman? does she have contact details? would love to pick her brain and give her a thankyou. completely inspiring. made my morning. so many thanks x
Beautifully honest and open piece. Bravo to you for putting it out there.
There’s so much to pick up on here. Two things come to mind initially for me: we never know how our words or expressions can affect someone, ie. the lady at the counter.
And we must choose to be different, to open ourselves up to improvement. You’ve clearly made the Choice and you are on the hard-working path towards healing and creating a much more satisfying life.
You will reap the benefits of goodness.
Thank you for sharing your story, anonymous. It is inspiring and encouraging and holds a lot of truth I have found in my own journeys to date. Keep sharing! I’d love to hear more from you.
I really enjoyed reading this post. It’s so healing for me and you can write it in such nice words.
I love to share with others so I’ll definitly tweet this post.
Thank you.
Love, Liesbeth
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This sentence ‘I realized then that this would only happen if I stopped treating myself the same way my mother did.’ really made me realize that I have some ‘work’ to do. God bless you and please keep writing.
Wow Marie,
That was an incredible story.
You are a great writer, the story really moved me and I am so happy for you that you have turned your life around.
That kind words from a stranger saved your life is incredible.
It is a reminder to us all that we should remember to do the little things when we can.
BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE…I relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing your struggles and insight. Love is the only thing that matters in life. When we are open to find it, it makes the life’s journey even more beautiful. We are here to learn from the past not to continue to make the same mistakes. Your strength and courage is inspiring. Thank you. p.s. The store clerk was a messenger from God 🙂 Namaste
Thank you for sharing your story and your methods. Relating to this and in the middle of healing myself you reassure me that the steps I am taking are worth all the heartache that got me here.
Wonderful! 🙂
I really relate to this post. Thank you for sharing your story. Journaling also helped me look honestly at my life, which made me realize that I needed to get out of a bad marriage. Like you said, there are patterns there that you have to take a step back to see. Journaling helps you do that.
thank you for writing such a wonderful post. This is almost my story, but for me it took until I was 57 to hear some one say “That was then, This is now” and understand that living in the past was not only non productive, it never changed anything.
My mother is gone, and she said that she never hurt anyone in her life, and yet speaking to others who knew her and were impacted by her she caused nothing but pain. But “that was then, and this is now” and I live in the now, so I can and do love myself, and yes I am worthy of all the love I receive.
Thank you, Marie. You gave us all a gift by sharing your story.
For me, I appreciated this: “Vulnerability is not a negative state.” I needed the reminder today.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I can relate to your point about your story having less power over you once you stop telling it. I have found that when i have been hurt, I need to tell my story over and over again until I have made sense of it, and then I can stop. And once I stop, it certainly does have less power over me. This has been a process treat works for me…tell it until I’m done telling it and then it sort of let’s go of me on it’s own. Again, thanks for having the courage to tell your story so honestly so others can learn from it.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I can relate to your point about your story having less power over you once you stop telling it. I have found that when i have been hurt, I need to tell my story over and over again until I have made sense of it, and then I can stop. And once I stop, it certainly does have less power over me. This has been a process treat works for me…tell it until I’m done telling it and then it sort of let’s go of me on it’s own. Again, thanks for having the courage to tell your story so honestly so others can learn from it.
Moved me to tears. My Mom had me at 17, and was beautiful, but so vain. She blamed me for “ruining her life” and as a 36 yr old women, I have issues with attaching to people still. After 10 years of therapy, I am ok with me and know I deserve love, but it’s a concept hard to grasp never hearing the words “I love You…and I am loved, I no longer base my life on my Mom’s shortcomings. Thank you for addressing such a sensitive topic. I think Many people have been thru similiar experiences. The damage both my parents did to me as a child, took most of my adult life to mend. We cannot allow anyone to ruin us. We are strong and we can rise above, Love & Light.
[…] good way to end the day. is by reading such articles. and there indeed has a few take home messages out of […]
This is very good article. May this will inspire many in this world!!! God bless you all peoples.
[…] http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-open-yourself-to-love-when-you-didn%E2%80%99t-grow-up-with-it/ […]
Thank you so much for posting this. Other than the specifics of a faulty parent I am now exactly how you were in the past. In reading your post it felt like I was learning a great deal about my self and how to fix my problems I have with connecting with people. Again, thank you thank you than you.
What moving and honest story this is. It tells all about Marie and all she has gone through to love herself. It inspires me to read this, and learn from it… If she can change her ways of thinking and start to validate her own worth and love, them so can I. Thank you for this story, peace, love and bliss from my heart to you!
I saved this post as I was a bit fearful to read it. Sure enough, you know what it feels like to hold no value to your mother. You have helped so many by speaking out…I wish I had that courage, but still worry about causing hurt to my mother who inflicted her pain all her life.
I have learned to love from afar, so those thorns don’t stick so deep. Every sadness, every tear she weeps, she blames on her daughter, me. Thankfully, by loving myself now, others see that I was always the child left to take the burden of her many troubles…it took many years. Mothers are always thought of as knowing whats best, many do not know what goes on behind closed doors- I learned long ago to soak up any sunshine that came my way. I learned to trust my self, but never to love my self for a very long time. It takes a very strong person to deny their mother, it is in our deepest sense of who we are, to connect with her. If she finds us unworthy, then that is what we become.
I do feel now compassion for her, I never forget her birthday or holiday- sending love her way. But I do not visit for she has a way still, to inflict deep hurt and I no longer accept it. Thank you so much friend, for speaking your heart, for telling your story.
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES… I TOOK IT OUT BEHIND MY MAMA’S APARTMENT IN BOISE, ID ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO, I WASTHERE FOR HER FIRST ROUND OF CHEMO AND RADIATION! THE BATTLES ALMOST OVER, THE CANCER HAS SPREAD THROUGHOUT HER WHOLE BODY, SHE ONLY HAS A COUPLE MONTHS… MAYBE TO LIVE! I’M RETURNING TO BOISE IN THE NEXT WEEK OR SO TO STAY UNTIL IT’S OVER… I REMEMBER THAT MORNING SO CLEARLY, SKY WAS AMAZING, MAMA AND I WALKED, TALKED AND LAUGHED… IT WAS A GOOD DAY! I DIDN’T SEE THE HEART UNTIL I STARTED ADJUSTING THE CONTRAST, HIGHLIGHTS, COLOR ETC… THER IT WAS “OPEN YOUR HEART AND LET THE SUNSHINE IN” MY HEART OF HOPE FOR MY MAMA! GLAD YOU’RE ENJOYING IT’S BEAUTY! JOPHIELsmiles
[…] up or forgetting a birthday isn’t going to weigh on you for years and inhibit a full life. Not forgiving a parent for abuses, real or imagined, […]
I live with an only mother whom I love the most (I got no other relatives), but she’s still drown in her grieve for losing her last son, my brother — and all these time she thinks I’m her failure because I’m not holding the idea of religion as hers. She’s just human, I’ve tried to explain that I’m also human, but I guess we’re still not there, in the same understanding, yet. I grew up with her blaming and demotivating me. It kills sometimes, to know someone you love the most never think that you are right, or at least, normal. I’m reading this and I feel like it’s my story too. Only, I haven’t reach the points you have reached, the points of loving your truly selves… but you help me reaching there.
Thank you.
Noran,
Just because your mom doesn’t YET see you in your true and loving light…don’t stop being beautiful as I can tell you are through this comment. She’ll get there, but until she does- this mama here hears you, don’t let anyone tell you who you are or what you’ll be…be a loving soul and live your life accordingly. My heart goes out to your mom, losing a child makes the whole world pretty dark for a long, long time. It can really make a person lose sight of all that’s beautiful, even a loving daughter. Love to you sweetheart. Take care.
OMG – Noran, I’ve been there and it is a very painful and sad place but please believe that many other than your mother can see your inner worth, sensitivity and beauty! My therapist once said to me “we are born alone and die alone.” Once I could swallow that I realized that the most important person in the world to love me was the one looking at me in the mirror. Your mother is in pain, to lose a child, what a nightmare. No matter the compassion one feels for her, you must be strong and place a healthy boundary around yourself and focus on your needs first. You are loveable, we all are children of God and deserving of love no matter anything! Please reach out to those who can help you. Therapy worked for me, prayer does too, reading good books, places like this site… I pray that you will find happiness, peace and love and heal your wounds. Life is a treasure and you will feel happier, know this to be true. God Bless.
You Rock, thank you so much for your Honesty. Finally someone in this world who I can go… yup she gets it. Thank you. Blessings to you.
Just a question I hope someone answers me: How to love someone when there are so many beautiful and attractive people in this world?
This is great and very helpful…Lord knows I have been living in self pity for a long time. My mother could never show love to any of her 5 children and instead worshipped her drinking along with my step father. My father who I briefly met, wanted nothing to do with me for reasons I will never understand. Oh but I had lots of relationships…just with unemotional, unavailable men until I just got tired of being hurt. Now I have met a good, kind, stable man and can’t seem to trust him or let him in. I thought I loved myself, but unconciously I apparently don’t. I’m going to try some of your suggestions…we all deserve happiness…thanks again for sharing.
This article has helped me soooooooooooooo much x
Irene, yes the same sentence hit me to. I read it as I have to stop treating myself the way I have been treated all my life.
I was in foster homes until the age of six then adopted by a family where the mother needed to fill a void in her life since all of her children were grown. My birth father was 16 when I was born he was born in 1951 and I was born in 1966 and my birth mother was 17. I then went into foster homes and the only benefit I brought to them was a paycheck. Then I was adopted into a family where only one person wanted me if you call it that to fill a void. So by the time I was 18 yrs old the behavior was already imprinted. I have been struggling a long time with the scares. The day my son was born was the first day of the life I was meant to live I finally had a chance to show someone I was not that bad after all. Well when you have a baby it is not until they are at least 16 or 17 that they see you as someone they cannot live without. So, here I am 45 years old and the first I have ever heard the words ” I love you and and will take care of you no matter what.” It took a while for that to register and I was like oh my I hope my son did not think I was not grateful for those words. Since my son is now 17 years old he is on a mission to live his own life and I don’t want to hold him back worrying about me. So I now have come to the realization that I have to find my own security, happiness, and Love.
Thank you for those words that gave me inspiration today: I decided that even if someone lets me down, I could handle it. I let my mother go I realized that I was heading up a similar path to her. Once I realized that our (my birth mother) unhealthy non-relationship wasn’t my fault, I was able to stop blaming her and hanging on to the victim story. I have to start treating myself better than I have been treated as a child or have allowed myself to e treated in past.
Thanks
im having alot of turbal just letting my past go every thing how can i help myself figive and forget is what im thanking any advice
im having alot of turbal just letting my past go every thing how can i help myself figive and forget is what im thanking any advice
When I started letting go is when I started seeing a therapist. After all the therapy the one thing that allowed me to let go was when she said “they were adults and you were a child so it is no way your fault” so that was the beginning of the end for me. I am still struggling but I have come a long way. It is a process but the key is to start and don’t give up.
This is almost my own story. Writing everything I had heard her say, helped me to understand my mother’s life situation, and so to forgive her inability to connect with me. I am now working on recovering the deep love I felt for her before I understood the abuse which was meted out to me through no fault of my own,
Same exact situation for my anonymous2. I honestly still have not forgiven my mother for all of her hurtfulness but I am really trying to. She was extremely abusive and unbelievably selfish. Like you said, we have inate compelling feeling inside of us to connect with our mothers, and the fact that I am disconnected from her right now just kills me inside. But I know if her and I were speaking, that it would just be a one way street, because in her eyes only how SHE feels matters. I have cut the toxicity out of my life and now just need to learn to let it all go.
JBird, loving ourselves is a continual work in progress. I also was a drug addict and an alcoholic, also numbing the pain. Now I have gone sober and I face the pain head on. It makes it harder. But once you go head first into it through the eye of the needle, you will come out of it on the other side and feel relieved. You have to feel it to get past it. Namaste.
Me too. Time to start loving ourselves!
Wow you are so right ,I admire you for trying to think positive my mother also won’t talk to me for the last 5 years, It hurts so bad inside That I do think of suicide. if I didn’t have my 4 kids I think I would not be around right now but the pain is getting worse instead of better every day I am getting more and more depressed anD thoughtsnof suicide are increasing. I just dont know why my mom can’t love me or even acknowledge me
this really helped!! thank you for posting 🙂