“Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Ah, closure. That feeling of vindication, or a sense of completion—it can be very enticing!
There are times when seeking resolution is really important. If we are having an argument with our partner, settling it can help strengthen our relationship. If we are having a disagreement over a contract, determining the outcome may be required to continue with the project at hand.
In these types of situations, seeking resolution is very relevant.
That said, there are loads of situations that occur in life in which we seek closure, even though it does not really serve us. As a matter of fact, this desire can hold us back.
When we feel we’ve been done wrong, we want resolution. The size or type of infraction may not matter. We want to know who is guilty of the offense, or, if we know who the culprit is, we want to know why they did it.
Here’s the catch: It’s pretty common to feel like this resolution is necessary to move forward.
Many moons ago I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite unsavory. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone through my wallet, made note of my credit card info, and was using two of my cards to finance what I can only describe as a shopping addiction.
I was not using the cards at all, so was not expecting to see bills, and since he consistently arrived home before I did, he was able to get the bills from the mailbox before I ever saw them.
I did not learn of his deception until we broke up for other reasons.
Besides dealing with typical breakup emotions, I also had to face the reality of this man’s ability to lie to me and steal from me.
Yes, the relationship went south, but I thought we’d had love and respect between us, and, well, enough integrity to not commit crimes against one another.
I wanted him to account for his behavior; I wanted an apology; I wanted him to explain to me how he could have behaved in such a despicable manner toward anyone, much less me, his girlfriend (at the time).
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get any of that.
I was rocked by this for quite some time. It took me months to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting over it was because I was still waiting for him to explain, apologize, or something. I realized that if I wanted to let it go, I was also going to have to let go of my desire for him to admit he was a mega jerk.
We want to feel in the right. We want it to be recognized that we were done wrong. If possible, we want an admission of guilt.
However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”
What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!
We already know we can’t expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. Let’s apply that knowledge to resolution as well.
Here’s how I got over the thieving boyfriend situation, and it’s a formula I continue to remind myself of whenever I begin to feel like I can’t move past an experience until satisfaction is mine.
Acknowledge that something crappy happened.
Yes, it totally sucks when a formerly good friend stops returning our calls and texts. And it can be life-altering when we are let go from a job, despite receiving positive feedback on our performance review.
It’s important not to pretend. Sometimes we rush past the feelings that are present in an attempt to appear uncaring (unhurt, really), or like we have it handled. Getting back on the horse is great and all, but let’s first acknowledge that it hurt when we were knocked off!
Having feelings doesn’t make us less able to handle tough stuff, or to come up with great solutions. It just means we’re human.
Identify all the feelings you do have.
If the situation is minor, it may be one or two feelings. For more intense events, it can take a while to pinpoint all of them.
This is essential, because identification and recognition go hand-in-hand. In doing this, we’re accepting that we are feeling these emotions. This sort of self-acknowledgment is crucial.
By the way, we’re the only ones who get to decide what is major, or minor, for us. We’re all unique, and we’ve all had different experiences that have helped mold who we are. Something that is minor for one may be major for another, and vice versa. That’s okay.
The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others would react; it’s to self-process and move forward.
Release the need for outside meditation of any sort.
This is not about forgiveness. It’s not about taking the high road, either. Those options both involve the other person. This is about us, and what we want.
It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world. We can use affirmations, or meditation, or whatever tools work for us for energy release.
When we are looking for resolution from the outside world, we are also seeking acknowledgement. Learning to self-acknowledge is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.
Whether you use the tips above, or another recipe that works for you, let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.
About Maria Moraca
Maria Moraca is a conscious integrated channeler. She and Zurac (her “entity dude”) work in tandem; Maria encourages empowerment and Zurac offers insight and clarification to life path questions. Her website and blog are at mariachanneling.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Excellent advice! Very helpful.
Thanks Tim!
I agree that it is important not to pretend. If one is hurt, then one needs to observe it and understand it totally rather than pretend that one is not hurt or just does not give a damn. Being inauthentic to one’s feelings and emotions is the worst thing one can do to oneself –
So true, and again, we only hurt ourselves when pretending!
I’m not pretending I think it was u who did not worst.then wrong
Brilliant article that I needed to read right now whilst going through a break up.
Thanks for your comment Amy; wishing you the best right now.
How do you move on when that person is still part of your life, because of shared children? I’m finding that I’m more angry than I thought, about his lying and cheating during most of our 24 year marriage. It would be easier if I never had to see or hear from him again.
That is a difficult thing to experience RadioBabe. I do think the same steps apply, though. It is possible you won’t receive any sort of apology, etc from this person, so releasing the need for that is important. I wish you the best in moving forward, take good care of you!
I think lots of this is very good advice, but it seems to be based on moving on from negative situations, looking for forgiveness for having being wronged or wanting resolution. But I wonder if the same can apply for, say, unrequited love? How do you move on from what can be one of the most intense forms of hurt to deal with? Is it the same principal for moving on from loss/grief? I would love to come to some sort of resolution on these! Thank you for thought provoking article 🙂
This is a great question! While I’m not sure this is an ideal formula for unrequited love, one could try the first 2 steps to help with identifying and acknowledging the emotions, and then move on to whatever release process works for them. Unrequited love is tough to talk about with details, but as a general idea I think these steps can be helpful. Thanks 🙂
One of the ways I’ve done this (because I’ve been in more than one unrequited love situation and am in one now), is to focus on the love you have for the person and not the desire you have for them to love you back. Real love is not requited or unrequited, real love just ‘is’. Nothing has to be done about it.
I feel profound love right now for someone who doesn’t want to be my partner. But eventually, after much suffering, I was able to come to terms with the fact that love doesn’t demand action.
It’s when we decide something needs to be done about it (I need to be with this person I love in this particular way; I need this person to feel these things for me) that things can start to hurt. It’s Ok to love someone and not have them in your life or be their partner or whatever. In fact, that’s not even unusual.
So for me, I’ve found comfort in knowing that the most loving thing I can do for someone for whom I feel love feelings and who doesn’t feel the same way is to give them the space to be who they are, for them to pursue their own happiness, even when it makes them happier to not have me in their life in the way i would like to be.
The disappointment and pain we feel is about us, not about them.
Sometimes it helps, for me, to say to them (in my head) “I let you go with love”.
The great thing is, once we can come to the place of understanding this fact about love, we’re free to love who we love. I love this man and nothing will make me stop loving him, and there’s no pressure I feel to have him feel or act differently. It’s freeing.
And I’m also free now to pursue other love relationships, which will feel different, but that’s OK.
no. first find out why you go for unrequited love and resolve that. Secondly you need respect. Shun and be mean to those that did not requit your love. In most cases they continue to see you as someone they can make jump hoops. So when you visit their work place next time. Do not greet them. Ignore them.
A terrific and insightful article. This was also extremely timely for me. I cannot control how other people treat me; but I can manage my emotions and stop giving my power away. Thank you.
You’re welcome, I’m glad you like it! Enjoy your power 😉
Really insightful, compassionate, and empowering advice. Thank you so much.
You’re very welcome!
Basically: acknowledge, accept, forgive, surrender.
Let’s put it on a t-shirt! 😉
There’s a big step in moving on that is left out here, the question, “Why did I create this situation?” We can’t really move on until we have learned what Is causing our disturbance. I create disturbing situations (however unconsciously) to wake up to what I must learn. We are emergent beings. Often we emerge through understanding the trouble we are creating in our lives. Moving on before we have learned something important about our own thinking, feelings, and behavior guarantee that this trouble will return–almost always worse than before.
I think that’s a wonderful question to ask ourselves, it’s another version of, “what can I take from this situation that will benefit me?” Thanks for commenting!
I think your way of stating this is much more positive than “Why did I create this situation?” because it does eliminate the self-blame element. Sometimes people do have a hand in creating their situations, but sometimes they don’t. Looking for the benefit is more like a “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” approach.
I did this for so long, it spiralled into self-blame. It made things worse.
This isn’t always a positive way of looking at this, in my opinion. Yes, there are times when we have a hand in creating the things that go wrong in life. I can see, for instance, that there were times when I ended up in a bad situation because I didn’t speak up for myself or because I felt I didn’t deserve better. There are other times, however, when it wasn’t a situation that I created. When my husband died of melanoma. it wasn’t because I created the situation. I suppose one could argue that I could have tried to talk him in to going to the doctor for a full body check at some point, but there were no symptoms to prompt it. I wish now that I had known how many risk factors he had, but I didn’t, and even if I had known I don’t think I would have managed to get him to go to a doctor because he wouldn’t go about his back pain despite my best efforts. (He did go as soon as he found a lump in his groin, though, and that turned out to be the first symptom he had of melanoma.) Taking on any responsibility for the disease that took his life would not only be inaccurate, but it would also be incredibly guilt producing and wouldn’t in any way help me to move forward in my life. Also, even if anyone can find a way to say that I had any part in creating this situation, I assure you they can’t find a way that our daughter, only 5 years old at the time, had a part in creating the death of her father and her subsequent grief. Sometimes bad things really do just happen and the best we can do is find a way to keep going.
I think this article is more about when a person hurts you, rather than when something tragic happens in life. You had a situation that hurt you and devastated you. The author’s intent appears to be more around feeling hurt because of something someone did to you.
I totally agree with your comment…
Each time you don’t learn your lesson it does always return and will again and again until you learn…
Have awareness, know yourself…
Love yourself…
What lesson do I need to learn when I feel so left out and hypersensitive so often. If someone just likes a photo I’ve posted, but comments on another person’s photo posted on my original post, it hurts like hell. So what IS the lesson here? I have no idea. Just to wish I were born differently.
That you cannot please everyone. You can’t control what people want but you can control yourself for not feeling that way and instead focus on making yourself contented for who you are.
I think this is a case of looking for external affirmation rather than feeling confident in your value regardless of what others think. I’m currently reading Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. You might want to check it out too.
When does the feelings stop? I am sick and tired of crying, hurting and talking about what happened to me and my son. I just want the feelings to turn off. I got scammed by marriage fraud from my immigrant husband. He received his green card and no longer needs me or my son anymore which broke me apart. Now immigration telling me there is nothing they can do even if proven fraud. However I am still going to push this to the furthest extent of the law and I am financial responsible for him even after a divorce for 10 years. I am mostly mad at myself for not protect my child and I and being this stupid to not see all the red flags or listen to anyone telling me this is a set up. I feel that my child and I are being punished while he walks with everything.
I am so sorry! Sending you love.
Thank you it is much needed for my son and i
I am so sorry this happened! If I may, it sounds like some self-forgiveness is in order. I understand it might be really difficult to stop beating yourself up but that’s what will help you move forward and step out of the emotions you have about this. I think I can safely say everyone who reads your comment will be sending you some love! Cherish yourself and your son.
Thank you so much! I been going to therapy and its unbelievable that Tiny Buddha forum has helped immensely. Also all the comments of other people struggling and their thoughts has helped me. I am still trying to let go of the hurt and anger toward myself. Thank you for your message and support.
Someone told me something good when I was hurting so much when this guy left me; You can not control someone else’s action or reaction, and it is not your responsibility what they have done or doing. You are only responsible for your own, the fact that he did this it was HIS decision not yours, and if you knew better you would have done better as Mia Angelo says.
Love
Thank you for your support and words. Your right I am going to have to let go and cant blame myself for being blinded to someone who had a plan all along. I swear my life is a lifetime movie.
It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world. Those where key words for me, they are helping me heal. Thanks!
I’m glad that line resonated with you Ann – thanks for taking your time to comment!
Great article, Maria! I enjoyed it.
Thanks so much!
Ok, this is not a tinybuddha type of thing to say, but I think it when I read these sorts of things so I was hoping some of you could help with my logics. After a violent relationship I had the problem of wanting to get closure. I obviously didn’t get answers from him because god knows there aren’t any. People are messed up because they are messed up. Tracing it isn’t impossible if you are a good geneticist or geneaologist or anthropologist or psychoanalyst but it’s usually not worth the effort. However you know what helped me get rid of the rage quicker? Vengeance. Writing it all down, distributing it amongst our mutuals. Not dignified, but I am beyond caring about appearances or identity. It all shifts endlessly anyway. So yes, let go. But what if vengeance is part of that? If I had to realise he was human, I had to realise I was too.
“It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world.”
Great article, really great and what I really needed to read. Thank you x x
Thanks for taking time to comment Chantal!
This article really hit home for me because I am currently in a situation where I find myself saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…” The problem is that I feel like closure will eventually happen, even though it’s taking a long time. It’s hard to explain without details. But this article is a very good reminder that if I choose to, I can walk away anytime, and I’ll be okay. Thank you.
You’re welcome, I’m glad the timing was right for you. Take care…
If something is beyond your control, let it go. The chapter is closed. Move on to other things.
I got a similar experience, I met a man on online dating site, we got lots of topics to chat everyday, we had very happy moments. Then he told me he got some problem with the bank, unable to get his money for the time being, but his company had urgent financial need, I sent a great amount of money to him for many times, finally, I figured out that he is a scammer. I didn’t ask for any explain nor write him any emails, as I think that he will contact him if he really wants to give me an explanation, on the contrary, if I ask him for an answer, this will not be a true answer.
I can say that the belief of buddhism helped me overcome this tragic experience, I was even surprised to my peacefulness during that time, as the amount of money was really great, which was 10 years of monthly salary, however, only 2 months, i found myself totally relieved from that experience.
On the other side, I did cherish the chatting time I had with that guy, through our daily conversation, I learned from him : No good thing comes easy, Patience and Determination are the keys to success, I mix this concepts into my daily life, which are very helpful especially carrying out tough duties.
Well, since the money can never be able to retrieved, I would see it as a kind of tuition fee for the concepts learned.
I was in an 8 year relationship. I never once though he would turn on me and out of the blue in a matter of months have an affair w/ co workers (and many of them at one time) and become the Don Juan of my town. It’s been over 6 months now and though I am still struggling, I am having a hard time to pin point what emotions to feel first and how to cope. I do however find myself not missing him but missing the life I had. IE, the apartment, traveling, independence. Now I am 28, living at home w/ my parents and my freedom ceased, my life feeling ceased. I can relate to what you have gone through. I do feel betrayal, anger, sadness ect but I am still struggling to “move forward”. Your statement of, “…let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.”, was very profound to me.
I thought i was past what happened to me last sprint, but when I read this I burst into tears. I was dating a guy that was perfect, everything i had ever wanted and had put on my vision board. But there was something unsettling about him which I was always wondering.. Then all of a sudden as soon as I started to get attached to him he disappeared. I don’t know why this one ( I have had way more serious and longer relationships in the past) but this one basically crashed my whole world down. I basically lost my confidence and self worth. I realized after a while the crushing feeling was the fact that the man of my dreams didn’t think I was worthy, I am not good enough for a person like that. Not just him but a man like that. And the fact that he disappeared with no explanation, I didn’t even deserve a good bye. I know in my brain all the good reasons not to want him still, but I still after almost 9 month, when I meet someone I compare them to him. The fact that I still want him and I still feel like I lost something … Remember; I KNOW all the reasons that I should know. But I have realized its all has to come from the heart, the brain wont do it. All the reasons in the world wont help you let go. The heart has to want it and surrender. I have surrendered my heart, because basically accepting that this is what it is and it could not have been any different. And I a just sad about that. Sad.. And since I am a very capricorn earth bound practical person I know that until I meet someone that I like more and i feel is better for me, I can’t get over what was there and was never mine.. I wish this was not the case. I have prayed every time i remembered him ( which is not all the time, just once a while) but I have prayed to let me not want him and get over it. I think I am over HIM but I want a guy like that. I still see someone look like him and my heart drops.. I know it has always been hard for me to get over guys, but this one just chopped me in pieces. I know my right guy is waiting for me to be ready and I want to be ready for him. Awayys sorry for long rambling. I had not thought about him for a while… Everytime i remember him and part of me wants him, I start hating myself, telling myself; what the hell is wrong with you, you don’t even like him anymore, and you think his behaviour was pathetic, and you know you want a guy with better connection, and someone that really loves you, etc. I really feel like I am on a drug or something. cause I solve it, i feel like I forget about it, and then I see someone look like him and it comes back; It’s just a point that is more annoying than upsetting 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Hi laleh,
I understand you completely, especially THIS:
“Remember; I KNOW all the reasons that I should know. But I have realized its all has to come from the heart, the brain wont do it. All the reasons in the world wont help you let go. The heart has to want it and surrender.”
This x100.
This is something I read online recently (google the words to find the full article):
“romance isn’t the only thing that stimulates increases in dopamine and its rocketlike path through your reward system. Nicotine and cocaine follow exactly the same pattern: Try it, dopamine is released, it feels good, and you want more—you are in a “goal-oriented motivational state.” Take this to its logical conclusion and, as far as brain wiring is concerned, when you’re in love, it’s not as if you’re an addict. You are an addict.”
This is truly how I feel. No amount of telling myself something different is going to change this.
So when I read your words, like “I can’t get over what was there and was never mine” I totally agree with you. I literally feel ill about it. I don’t know what to do.
From the same article:
“one scientist I interviewed describes what happens in our breakup brains in a slightly different way. “In the case of a lost love,” he told me, “if the relationship went on for a long time, the grieving person has thousands of neural circuits devoted to the lost person, and each of these has to be brought up and reconstructed to take into account the person’s absence.””
🙁
Laleh,
I experienced a very similar situation last year. I felt depressed and wanted him to come back and talk to me at least about what happened and listen to why I wanted to be with. I did push him instead of waiting for him to decide on a time to meet. I spiraled into feeling that I was worrhless compared to women he would have been more likely to choose as his girlfriend/lady.
I never told him about the darkest point of my life and I am always trying to get over him. I alaays get attached to men who are ultimately selfish jerks; I like to believe that there are decent men. Most of the men are from different countries and are very family-oriented. Most have cut me out of their lives which left temporary stings. The guy who left never said goodbye. Ge just assumed I was going to get over him right away because he is a bit older. I go to counseling when I can and when I don’t think about him I am happier. It doesn’t stop me from occassionaly wondering if he comes back, will I even care about him the way I did.
Great article and unfortunately perfect timing, for she cheated on me 9 months ago. I started with tiny budhdha and started to heal myself, however, somewhere in the middle i ended up pretending to be fine (the constant ” be a man , move on” reminders) but of lately with her bday and Valentines day coming up, the emotions are swirling up again, i meditate, but the hate, just this hate consumes me. I never thought I could hate someone so much, let alone her, and this after i try to tell myself i have the choice to let go and not feel it. I wish to email her with this, really tell her what i think of her cheating and lying ( the truth she never fess’ed up to), but I stopped, now I m waiting to tell her this if she contacts me (my ” i ll get closure if.. moment) I just hope this gets better, 9 months for a 3 yr relationship seems too long. Thanks for your writings, prevented me from something stupid 🙂
Yeah, the hate/rage for someone who betrayed you can be really overpowering, I know how it is. I suspect betrayals like that are much harder to get over than just ‘regular’ breakups. I hope you can work through it to focus on the good things in your life, because intense anger does more to hurt you than it ever will to hurt her. But I do understand the “need” to act out and tell the other person how much you’re hurting. I’ve written a LOT of e-mails to various exes in my life, a lot of them I didn’t send. You might try that. Or even a therapist or counselor might be able to help. I’m a huge fan of therapy for that kind of situation. I have someone “on call” that I make an appointment with when things get really dark for me. Good luck and quick healing!
Thanks for this great article. I was having a bad day earlier because of money issues, and it involves my good friend. Before this, I had troubles trying to move on because of a short travel rendezvous which I’ve been keeping for too long (2 years). After reading this article, it was like the final closure for me. At the end of the day you have to tell yourself that you created the situation, and you need to put a closure to it. The question is, how? By acknowledging the emotions you’ve had, I learn that it’s best to just move on. And you’re right, “Whether you use the tips above, or another recipe that works for you, let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.”
Thanks again for this wonderful article. I feel great after reading this!
So glad it spoke to you, best wishes!
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this right now. Thank you.
I lost touch with a really close friend last year. After asking if we could talk about something, without explanation she completely ignored me. At first I tried to act like it wasn’t affecting me when in fact it hurt like hell. My emotions over flowed and I sent her a rather erratic email. It was my frustration coming out and therefore not very grounded. She replied saying she would get back to me and that was the last I heard from her which was more than two months ago. I feel weak and less of a man because I’ve let this affect me so much. I’ve been seeking closure but there is no reason to believe it’s going to happen. I’m feeling better about moving on now but there is still that pang of frustration every now and again especially as I think it was just mis-communication and something that could have probably been avoided.
Craig, I’min exactly the same position, and I know how it feels. I’ve spent a lot of mental energy trying to figure out why my friend suddenly disappeared, and get no response. I ALSO sent an erratic e-mail, as well as a compassionate one asking for understanding (I sent that one first) and have received nothing. What I came to is this: as much as I love this person, and know the beauty in them, they have made a decision that has to do with what lifestyle they want, and excluded me from it. I know I was a good friend — even with my faults. I can’t change what they chose. I also can’t change that it’s heartbreaking to be abandoned by a friend, but that becomes less with time. I think the best thing to do is invest more in OTHER friendships, with people who want to walk through this life with you.
Hope that helps.
I think you’re right. We can’t control what other people decide to do and we have to respect that even though it’s not what we would have chosen and even though it still hurts. Seeing the beauty in the other person despite the situation takes true strength and I commend you for that.
Thanks for your response. It helps a lot.
What a wonderful post! I think a lot of us are guilty of waiting for that apology. I know I am! I found to use what I know best to release that energy…write, write, write. I think what happens, too, is we take it so personal. As if we personally had the power to ward off such hurtful tendencies. Or we did something to encourage such things to happen to us. We’re not bullet proof. We can’t be accountable for anyone except ourself. No one is going to love us more then ourself. Not worth expending that energy on someone who clearly didn’t care enough in the first place. All we can do is send good vibes, and forgive- not for their benefit but for our own health.
This is so hard for me to let go of… 5 years is a long time n I feel like I’ll never meet anyone n be comfortable as much as I am with my ex… It’s so hard.. It hurts I thought I was strong.
I’ve been with this guy and he was my first love. We were 9 months together and we were so happy and he haven’t had any big arguments. But then one day he just wanted to call it off and said that his father does not agree with our relationship. I said no let’s fix this together but he refuses. He insisted on breaking up and so he did. After that he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Doesn’t send text messages, doesn’t call, doesn’t even chat with me on facebook. It really hurts when it was so sudden. Yesterday we were so happy and contended then the other day it was like, gone! I cry everyday, every hour, hoping that he’d come back to me and the guilt of having no acceptable reason for breaking me up is killing me. I miss his eyes, his voice, his hugs and kisses. Everything about him. I just don’t know what to do. Every place I go, everything I do, there’s always something that reminds me of him. Most of the times I think of him and sometimes I tend to pull myself out of the memories of him, but then there’s this particular painful feeling in my heart that just won’t listen. Someone please tell me what to do. :'( :'(
I can’t tell you what to do, but what I can tell you is, you’re not the only one who feels this way.
My advice to you would be to just learn to accept what happened. Of course, no one expects it right away. Honestly, its great to have a grieving period, but just make sure you don’t beat yourself up because no one is perfect. Don’t blame yourself for what happened either; if you really feel as if its your fault, asses your relationship again realistically, and any mistakes you feel you made just remember to try something different next time. If it still really bugs you, it ending so fast, I would just try and talk to they guy even if he doesn’t answer or listen, at least you know you tried. Don’t come off as angry though, that’ll just push him away, try to come off as a friend and I wouldnt suggest trying anything flirty.,
Please remember this: you are an intelligent and beautiful woman. You don’t need a guy to be happy. You should first learn to love yourself and embrace yourself for who you are before you expect anyones love in return. This all might sound like complete bull, but one day youll believe me.
You have to be an optomist. A cup half full kind of person. Only you control how you truly feel inside and how you react to situations. Yes, life has many ups and downs with downs that are usually worse then the ups, but you always have to remember that everything is temporary. Life is fast. Real fast. Its just a pit stop onto something bigger and greater.
I suggest you just look back on your relationship and learn to smile at all the good times and learn from the bad. There are plenty of fish in the sea, many different fish! That doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him, you just dont need to be in his life if its not your place.
If you’re still feeling bad go out at get some new clothes, get a haircut, hang out with friends, eat some chocolate (scientifically proven to make you feel better) just steer clear of guys for a bit until youre happy and don’t jump into anything too quickly. Just enjoy you time, and soon you won’t feel the need for someone in your life. This is the perfect time to find someone for you.
Remember to love yourself, stay confident, and always been kind. Dont forget to have a lot of fun, and stay happy!
Share this with your friends! (:
Hello i am Jacqueline Ashley ,from USA, I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex lover back.I was going crazy when my lover left me for another girl last month,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Dr Agumagu the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Dr Agumagu about how my ex lover left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My lover called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my lover called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr Agumagu at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com or agumaguspelltemple@outlook.com and get your problems solve like me..here is my email address in case you need any question from me jacquelineshley@outlook.com
I get my feelings hurt so easily if people seem to ignore me. Recently a good friend posted a nice comment on my original post but to someone else’s photo there. She hadn’t made a comment about the photo I’d posted. Sounds so stupid I know. But it feels like a stab in the heart. I know this is over reaction but how can I change this? So far it remains the same awful unbearable pain. I try to rationalize it, sleep on it. Nothing takes the pain away.
2 years ago,,,,lol,,, Im learning,,,,as we all are,,,,I am sensitive too…I was ready to do some damage….someone was going to Pay for what i witnessed,,,, Cause Im special,,,and you cant hurt me,,, its taken me 2 years to swallow my pride….I just read the line,,,I have enough self worth that i dont need an apology to be happy,,,,Wow,,,,there is Freedom . finally found it,,,,yes write,,,write,,,,write,,,,the answers will come…I promise.
NATASHA
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My husband has been a alcoholic for the past 5 years. He has recently quit drinking and i’m been waiting for months for the I’m sorry for all the hobible things I put u through and did to u. I found my self tonight crying upset because of it, I even told him I needed a apology to be able to move on and still nothing, as he’s yelling at me why can’t u just let it go. Just so same hard going through all I went through and and the lies he told to his family so they hate me now to. Thank u for sharing your story and your advice because your right I’m only hurting my self by holding on to the hurt and anger,I have to move on and have self worth knowing that I don’t need a apology to be happy, knowing that they can’t keep me here in this place they created I can walk away and let it go for me is something I have to do. I may take a while, and to be quite honest not 100% knowing how to do it. I know that I can for my self.
I enjoyed this article… I am going through some very deep and bad emotions right now and have been for months. I found an adult video with the mother of my child in it… She constantly denies it and it really upsets me that she can lie about it… I know that she probably feels like it’s the only thing keeping us together because for a while i believed her out of love and trust but in my heart I knew it was a lie… She’s obsessed with me I know this and i want to forgive her but everytime she denies it i get angry. I felt like she just leaves me to deal with this storm on my own and acts like nothing happened… This article helped me out a lot thanks the self acknowledge part… But when i find that guy tho i will gladly give my life to attain my revenge… It really destroyed a piece of me that will be with me for the rest of my life… Anyway appreciate it you are encouraging
Ok. So a guy told me he had been pursuing me for months and then took it all back two weeks later. Then he avoided me for 3 months. After I initiated conversation when we ran into each other after months, he began to come back to church, talk to my friends and acknowledge me in social situations. Now he goes back and forth. Sometimes he sits and initiates conversations that last hours, but other times, he clearly ignores me. He is a part of my life. He goes to my church and his brother is my best friend. Not to mention he lives down the street from me. I did not get closure, and now I am not even sure if we are friends or not. How do I handle this situation? I can’t even figure out how we should interact in public. Would it make things worse to initiate a conversation to talk about this?
I would say,,,from the outside looking in,,,not to give this too much energy….relax,,,everything is unfolding as it will…I believe its all out of our hands anyways,,,,God has the whole world in His hands,,,,just live in the moment,,,sometimes you might come together,,,,and sometimes you will go apart,,,,Now Im answering my own dillemma,,,, we have to NOT hang on so tightly…. wear the world like loose clothing,,,,I havent seen my dear daughter in 3 years,,,and 2 grandkids,,,i have my moments,,,,OH DO I HAVE my moments,,,,lol,,,,,the more i pursue her,,,the more she runs in the other direction,,,, (This has been good for me.)…..nice and easy does it,,,,(The more people in my life tell me of their desperations, and frustrations,,,puts more of that into my day it seems,,,,) I need some flowers,,, 🙂
He did me wrong at the wrong time so I’m planning on turning him into his job for drinking on the job and or reporting him to the state for the same. He works in health care so he would lose his privileges and become Un hirable. Too much?
no,,,,please don’t do that. be strong,,,we do not retaliate…. think think think,,,don’t destroy another persons life because he screwed up….Turn the page,,,,change the focus…
I have found it easier to believe that my exes have died because in reality the person that I fell in love with truly has died. The benefit to this is that if you believe they have died the desire to contact them is a mute point. You simply mourn their loss and move on knowing that one day when you die you will be together again.
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I want closure….because I have learned that when you dont get closure the same lesson rears its ugly head again,,,Till it is dealt with. 30 years ago,,,,I was in a a office with my boss,,,and he flipped out on me,,,slamming his fist into a chair, and re arranging the furniture against the walls…..I ran out of there, never returning,,,,till many years later,,, The feelings all returned when I returned,,,and the FEAR returned as well….I went to the hospital, and stayed 3 days there,,,to calm down….now I am the woman who will NEVER EVER be alone with any man in any office. EVER. and then along comes another situation,,,and Im asked into an office with a man of the cloth….NO THANK YOU,,,… I DO NOT TRUST. THANK YOU. but no. so that situation never got closure either. LORD HELP US ALL…..I HATE VIOLENCE….I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DONT HAVE BOUNDARIES,,,I hate it when i have to deal with sick people…sick in the head….I have worked on my issues for many years….I am a righteous woman….I dont drink, smoke, over eat, have sex, gamble,,,what have you… I basically read my Bible and go to Church….I like the TRUTH, but in this world the TRUTH IS HATED SO MUCH……It holds everyone accountable for their behavior….5 sisters,,,,they all run when they see me,,,,Everyone runs when they see me,,,,lol…Im Glad we are living in end days,,,,soon this will be all over,,,and I will beable to speak the TRUTH and Not be shunned.
I know this article is from 3 years ago but anyway…
Ive been struggling with this for a year. The breakup happened so suddenly (to me) and the worst part was she blamed me for all these things I had worked so hard in the relationship to prevent from happening.
I don’t know what I did wrong, what I thought was really hard work was worth nothing, and I so still don’t know exactly why she left. I dont trust myself to get into another relationship incase this happens again. I don’t think I even know how to get into a new relationship anymore…
Reading through some of the comments and replies was a little disturbing…the notion that “everything happens for a reason” or “we play a part in creating a situation to teach us what we need to learn” is actually a form of emotional abuse toward ourselves. Life is filled with events both positive and negative that are mostly random…bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people…most of it has nothing to do with you. Obviously if you realized you played a part in an unpleasant event..your wisest decision would be to own it…but in the situation you describe in which your partner stole from you…the only person acting criminally was him…your trust of him is completely normal in a loving relationship..his violation of this trust is the abnormal event….this really isn’t a situation about not letting go..it’s more a situation of not accepting the truth that he was a thief and a jerk and you are better off without him.
Stephen, This comment (and some others you’ve written) is just what I needed to hear today. Thank you for writing it. Do you have a blog or somewhere to connect with you?
Nope…I’m just an old retired therapist who pops up from time to time on here. You can connect with me on Facebook.
Thank you.
Thank you
Thank you for this article. It made me realize I’ve been holding on for closure and accountability. It’s time to let go of this final piece of this miserable puzzle. Thank you for your wisdom 💕
I’ll be honest, I have depression and I wasn’t always the nicest person to my ex-fiancee because of that, but because of my depression she left me in the worst possible way. She left me over the phone in July last year. She contacted me a month later crying about how her new boyfriend (now ex) had left her. She made me believe we might be able to make it work but she started being awful to me, ignoring me, things like that. She destroyed me. I’ve seen her once since the breakup. We don’t talk either.
I’ve tried talking to other women but I just can’t move on. Despite everything I still love her and I’m scared that someone else is gonna break my heart again and I can’t put myself through that. I’m 27, we met in November 2015 and she was my first girlfriend. I fell for her instantly, I proposed on New Years Eve 2015.
I love her to pieces and I’m still devastated over the breakup. I helped her get out of debt a week after we met, I helped her out all of the time and it just feels like none of the good stuff I did for her matters. Apparently the man she fell for was a lie all because of my depression.
I want closure so much but I have no idea how to get it.
maria. If only it was easier. Last month I went to seek out for a family we did wrong. I went alone. It was a good family they supported our family in a crises some decades ago. But we repaid them with evil. My brotger stole and married a girlfriend of his best friend from tgat family.
Guess this is is why i no longer talk to this brother if mine.
Anyway I located that family and delivered family apology. Actually I broke down and cried. Its like two weeks ago. I thought I will have NEW great friendship again with that man.
Today I am shocked! I never want to see that family again. ????why.
you see I have gained closure!!
I thought I was looking for forgiveness and a new start. Instead what I have gained is a shut door. Now I know this poor family would really get surprised. After so much agonising tears… today. and henceforth. I will never want to talk to them. Or have anything to do with them.
The closure has caught up with me.
It was unexpected and convoluted.
So. I just wish.
Closure was more lenient and forgiving.
Apparently its not.
i’m not sure if ill ever get that there are so many wrong things that has happen to me over the years so many things that people have done to me … why is it that all the good people or the ones that do right by people or the ones that have good intentions always the ones that get hurt ? why don’t people what to explain on why they treat you like shit or do the things they do too you my mother has done so many wrong things to me usually i look over them because shes my mother and i love her … but when its time for me to get closure on this one thing that hurts me she brushes me off …. get upset making it my fault… some times you don’t want to go just talk to anyone you want the person who has hurt you too explain there self 🙁 am i not that important to her as her being my mother that shes see’s something is bothering me and wont try to better the situation ? shit hurts i have to pretend like everything is okay all the time try to keep myself busy … i often find myself being to nice all the time .. i was told stop being nice that’s like telling me stop being me ?… well then again it something to consider then i wont open an door for people to hurt me …..
2 years ago i was assaulted and humiliated by a male family member. Prior to that my children and I were cut off from my sisters family when we had always been very close sisters and our teenage children all treasured their close family ties. It was so upsetting. It felt like my 2 sisters were on a witch-hunt direction at me and to this day i honestly do not know why. One of them has been extremely unwell and i have always been very caring and supportive of her. After 6 months of complete cutting off i decided to go and ask her quietly what i had done so I could make amends if possible. To my shock and horror her husband assaulted me bashing me in the chest and humiliating me by holding my face with his fingers in my mouth. It was devastating! I went to the police who did absolutely nothing. They said it was a he said she said story and that was it. I was covered in bruising and had a scratched iris and black eye. This did not seem to matter. It made me realise why domestic violence is so prevalent. It pulled my wider family apart and nobody will talk it through. Not with us anyway. My doctor said i was assaulted and traumatised. I have tried counseling and i just cant seem to move on. The assaulter has a high power position with some degree of public profile. It makes me think police thought he would be more important than me. He is known in the family for being a hot shot who thinks he is very important. It has absolutely destroyed me and any trust in my wider family. I feel worthless and a burden to my husband and adult children. I have stuffed up so many work opportunities since with my depression and lack of confidence. I had a great position and good earnings before. I battle everyday with a need for this man to be held accountable for his actions and for my extended family to know he completely lied to police. For them to know these lies were at my expense. It is not for anything other than being held accountable and to say to my male children to do this is never ok. I cannot afford a lawyer to pursue this. I desperately want to know How do i move on when it is so completely wrong?
Ugh – I was in a very similar situation, with an alcoholic sociopath (who went by the made-up name of Rex Hazard – ha!) who admitted the entire relationship was him, “pretending to be interested in me so he could use me for pragmatic reasons.” I felt sick to my stomach that I could let myself be duped by such a sick schmuck. But, I was finally so ready for romantic love. For partnership – having never experienced that previously. I was so open to possibility.
I spent about a year feeling like i needed him to apologize for deceiving/abusing me to be able to move on. Then, one day, I decided…Fuck him – I’m over it! Committed to a few years of absolute celibacy, and as soon as i emerged, met the Love of My Life.