“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” ~Flora Whittemore
I have been running this website for almost two years. A few months back, I met a goal I set for myself: I eliminated most of my other freelance work and focused my energy on Tiny Buddha.
Since I don’t require much money to live—and since my eBook has been selling regularly—I was able to transition in the spring. As a consequence, I decreased my workload dramatically.
Now that I have more time, I realize that I need to discover a sense of purpose beyond writing and editing, and not just through hobbies and fun. Essentially, I need to find new ways to contribute to the world, regardless of the income it generates, because I crave a greater sense of connection and engagement, outside the world of the web.
Last week, I received an offer to run a ‘tween website, working part-time hours. My first paid writing gig was for a ‘tween magazine, back in 2006. This felt meaningful to me, not just because I fulfilled the dream of seeing my byline in print, but because I understand how difficult it is to be that age.
Many of my problems began in junior high, when I was chubby, overdeveloped, harassed, and even abused by other kids. Because that time was so traumatic for me, I revel in the opportunity to speak to girls who may be struggling to love themselves.
This leaves me with a tough decision to make: Do I listen to the instinct that tells me to try to help young girls? Or do I listen to the instinct that tells me to stay unplugged when I’m not working on Tiny Buddha?
Do I do what comes naturally to me—what I’ve done through various sites these last five years—and keep analyzing, advising, and helping online? Or do I step outside the world of the written word, onto a path I’ve yet to define, and see where it may lead?
One seems to involve a lot more certainty. I’ll definitely feel fulfilled writing for girls (and the extra money couldn’t hurt). But I’ll likely also feel frustrated that I’m continuing to spend so much time alone, at my computer.
The other revolves around a million unknowns. What’s next if it isn’t online? How do I pick one of the many ideas I have, and how can I bring it to fruition? How do I know that what I choose will work out, and if it doesn’t, that I won’t regret not going the other way?
The answer is I don’t, can’t, and won’t. We can never know for sure when we make a decision that it’s going to pan out as we hope. All we can do is follow our strongest calling, and then trust that whatever the future holds, it will enrich our lives, one way or another.
Since I’ve been struggling with career-related decisions recently, I turned to the Tiny Buddha Facebook page and asked the community, “How do you make a difficult decision?” I collected some of the responses that resonated with me most strongly:
(Note: I changed “I” to “you” in these contributions and attributed these to the readers’ Facebook names.)
1. Consider whether or not you will be able to look proudly into the mirror the next day. ~Marcia Jones
2. Reflect on past difficult decisions and how you made them. The problems don’t have to be similar for the method to work the same. ~Gentry Harvey
3. Meditate and listen to your instincts. ~Stacey Chandler
4. Meditate on how it affects balance within your life. Then have the faith and will to carry out by action. ~Isaac Guest
5. Set aside time to give careful thought to the decision. The worst thing you can do is act in haste. ~Dana David
6. Ask yourself, “Who will it affect and what does my heart tell me?” ~Phyllis McBride Molhusen
7. Imagine having made the decision. If you get a feeling of relief, that’s the way to go, even if it’s coupled with sadness. ~Emma Gilding
8. Ask yourself, “What is the most pleasurable choice, and where is the most fun?” ~David Heisler
9. Check with your internal compass. How will you feel if you make one decision? How will you feel if you make the other? ~Kyczy Hawk
10. Make mistakes and learn from them. ~Sandra Leigh
11. Talk it through with friends. Then after you have gathered as much info as possible, decide and act! ~Charlene Wood
12. Make a patient effort and have confidence in yourself as decision maker. Whatever choice you make is valid, as you can gain experience and wisdom through any experience, preferred or not. ~Meagan Le Dagger~
13. Let go of fear. Know there is no “right” or “wrong” decision. Any decision is better than indecision. ~Deidre Americo
14. Ask yourself three questions before diving into something new or daunting: What’s the worst that can happen? How likely is that to happen? Can you deal with it? ~Long Ho
15. Go with your first instinct. The minute you second guess yourself or doubt your choice, then it goes all downhill from there. ~Kelsey Walsh
16. Take a moment to think about the consequences of every course of action, and decide which course will be best for everyone. ~Daniel Roy
17. Try to see the situation from all angles. Also ask your elders for advice. They are always great sources! Sometimes you need to walk away from the issue for a bit, and then come back for a fresh look. ~Lisa Marie Josey
18. Remember this quote: “Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.” ~Paulina Angelique
19. If you find that you have to talk yourself into something, it is usually a bad decision. Good decisions usually feel right without much second-guessing. -Triana Avis
20. One method is to contemplate options and select the one that you feel a sense of excitement for. ~Katherine Melo Sipe
21. “Stay in the tension” as long as possible. If neither choice feels right, try to delay making the decision. Sometimes a third option you hadn’t thought of before becomes open. ~Jody Bower
22. Listen to your emotional instinct. If it feels good, authentically good, then go for it. If it does not use caution and back away. ~Dedric Carroll
23. Ask yourself two questions: Is this choice good for me? Is this choice good for my family? Then listen to what your heart says. ~Andrew J. Kelley
24. Make the small decisions with your head and the big ones with your heart. ~Emily Keith
25. Take a step back and try to stop thinking so much. -Liz Morton
26. Take two pieces of paper and write down your options on each. Put them in a hat, close your eyes, and pick one. If you feel disappointed with the outcome, then you know that is the wrong decision to make! ~Dina Agnessi-Lorenzetti
27. Reflect on my past decisions. Good or bad, each teaches a lesson. To learn by your mistakes is key, but don’t forget your triumphs. They are just as important. ~Mick Roman
28. Think about how you will feel when you’re seventy. First, it will put the difficult decision into perspective (maybe it’s not as big a deal as you think it is) and secondly, it will help you make a good decision for the long term, rather than just for instant gratification. ~Andrew Gills
29. Have a good, deep, non-judgmental look at what’s inside you, and journaling also helps. ~Indigo Perry
30. Align your actions with your life purpose and personal values, and then it’s much easier to know the direction that is right for you. The prerequisite to this is actually knowing and defining yourself. Gain awareness. Be true to who you really are. Follow the path of least resistance. ~Self Improvement Saga
What helps you make difficult decisions?
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Lori, the world needs more people with career-related decisions like yours. Do you help girls who may be struggling, or do you help readers like me who may be struggling? With such compassion in your heart, it’s not surprising that the answers are seeking you, perhaps more than you seek them. You speak of feeling frustrated spending so much time alone at your computer. Someone like me, still trying to understand what a blog actually is, spends a lot of alone time at the computer. 209,000 and counting followers say that when you’re at your computer you’re never alone. I would bet that anything you do you’ll do well and people will benefit. So how would I make a difficult decision? I don’t know. Shake the 8-ball, toss a coin, read the tea leaves? I can’t decide. Seriously, my simple mind would follow your words like “purpose, connection, engagement, meaningful, revel, opportunity, fruition and trust that whatever the future holds, it will enrich our lives, one way or the other”.
Hi Cary,
Thanks so much for the kind words. I thought about this as I was writing this yesterday–this is a really good problem to have! I feel grateful that I have these opportunities now, and that the options in front of me are exciting and meaningful. I know for my personal well-being and sense of balance, finding some work that takes me away from my computer would be a good thing, but I do so enjoy writing and engaging online.
I visited your blog. I like your tagline. =) It looks like you have a great start to this whole blogging thing!
Lori
Thank you Lori. I’m struggling with a decision and honestly can’t figure out how I can ever make it and feel 100 percent Ok right now…but I know that I will.
I really enjoy your blog and it speaks to me on many different levels daily
Wow. Thanks for this article. I have beem struggling for months now to make a decision on whether I should move overseas or not and going through those ideas really helped me clarify what I really want in a matter of minutes. I love this site. Thanks for sharing this with the world.
Hi Lori,
did you make a decision? – with your comment about the yoga retreats sounds like a decision. How do you have time to do all you do?
One idea for you. What if you limit your involvement to the tween website so that you do the parts that really matter to you and limit your alone computer time? I often find that if you can create really great professional relationships by being really up front with prospective clients. Why not ask for exactly what would work perfectly for you?
dirk
Hi Lori,
“Do I listen to the instinct that tells me to try to help young girls? Or do I listen to the instinct that tells me to stay unplugged when I’m not working on Tiny Buddha?”
Does this have to be an either/or decision – I mean, is it possible to do both with some outside help?
I have been reading your blog for 9 months now and it continues to inspire me and my 16 year old daughter every day!
Thanks for commenting, Deb. Since I would be running the ‘tween website, it would require at least 15 hours/week. I’m already on my computer 20-25 hours/week for Tiny Buddha, and what I’ve been grappling with is whether or not I’d like to fill the rest of my schedule with work outside, with people. It’s possible I could do both…I have been considering that option!
I’m so glad to hear that Tiny Buddha has inspired you and your daughter. =)
Hi Dirk,
I haven’t actually made my decision yet. I’m exploring the possibilities to see what else I might want to do going forward, and I may find a way to do both the other site and other work. I did actually ask for what would work for me (which reduced the hours from 20 to 12-15). I’m just weighing whether or not I really want that much more time working online.
Thank you for your help and support!
Lori
You are most welcome, Zalfa! I thought there were tons of great ideas here (from the Facebook page). Tiny Buddha readers never cease to amaze me.
I’m glad the site helps you, Kim!
This is a wonderful, honest, inspirational post. Thank you.
Hi Lori,
Tiny Buddha is in my top three resources that have improved my life for over 12 months.
I’m sensing that rather than running a ‘tween website, perhaps that time spent at the computer alone, could be used to help young girls in person.
Our pain is usually a potent source of help for others and although I don’t know you, I’m pretty sure the “in-person” Lori would be a very powerful, living example for young girls and the issues you experienced at their age.
Light and love to you wherever your path takes you!
I LOVE all of these little advices! I agree with most of them and try to use them too, but it’s always great to be reminded, especially when you are supposed to make an important decision! Thanks!
Thank you for this collection of wisdom regarding decision making. I always like these types of posts that you put out there.
Seeing as both choices result in helping people, which of these (right now in the present moment), do you hold closer to your heart?
Whichever one you choose you should not feel any abandonment to the other. When the time comes that you wish focus your energy on something else I believe that you should go for it, because that energy will be spent working toward something as opposed to deciding what to work on.
Wow, Lori, this post is very full of potential changes and decisions for you! Please post and tell us your decision about the ‘tween website when you make it. I’m very interested.
I guess I missed your FB question, so I’ll post my 2 bits here.
When I’m trying to decide between 2 or more things/paths/whatever, having to compare what each would look like if I chose it, I have this really great “decision matrix” process my brother taught me about 30 years ago. It’s a defined, step-by-step process, long but simple to go through. First, it makes me think about ALL the factors involved in the decision. Then it helps me weight each factor mathematically. That sounds rather mechanical, but it isn’t. The process forces me to go deep to find every single influence on the decision, and usually a lot comes up that I hadn’t yet considered. What’s magical about the matrix process is that it can work with two people as well…. as in when my partner and I are trying to decide something together. The process lets us each contribute all our personal factors, then the numerical weighting ends up combining to see what the “group” decision looks like. The other magical thing is that every decision I’ve made this way has turned out to be absolutely correct, looking back. (Maybe I should write up this matrix process some day and post it online!)
When I’m deciding about just one thing/direction/etc, quite often I pull out my I Ching workbook. I always get feedback that’s insightfully helpful and spot on for the situation. It, too, helps me clarify my thoughts and often points out things I hadn’t yet addressed in my decision-making.
And finally, the thing that helps me most with decisions is that I always have a kind of overriding life affirmation, one that I refer back to for all decisions. It’s kind of my main rule of life. This “rule” has changed from time to time over the years, but I always have one on the go because it helps me run my life so well. Currently (since I retired 3 years ago) it’s “Simplicity” (a.k.a. KISS: “keep it simple, stupid!” :). So when I’m making a decision, the first question I ask myself is, “Will this help simplify my life, or will it do the opposite?” The decision, then, often becomes quite clear, or at least simplified (LOL). Recently I made a huge decision to buy a boat with my partner, and that did not simplify my life (financially, at least). In a way, I went against my ruling affirmation….. but on the other hand, having the boat has simplified ALL decisions about what to do for holidays, for relaxation time, and for peacefulness. (When I’m on the water, I feel more at peace than anyplace else.)
Good luck with your decision making! Hope you find a yoga partner and a retreat co-presenter. Wish I could help out, but we just live too far apart, you and I.
I’m with number 26 but I flip a coin. If I don’t like the outcome then it’s the wrong one. But I think your decision is more complex than a straight either/or.
I’d love to be the one who has the perfect answer for you. Your website never fails to inspire me to be a better person. Tweens would be so much better off, whether in person or online for having you connect with them. But perhaps in person is the way to go? Speaking to large groups?
Best wishes for your decision making.
Hi Lori
Thank to your article. Am a very indecisive person everytime I make my decision it’s always been very tough for me. It takes a while before I made one. And when I do I always failed ended up hurting myself just to please others. I always put others first before myself. I thought that way I could not hurt anybody’s feelings.
And I just learned the way I do my decision that falls me under 28 item. Think about how will I feel when I’m 70.
Long way to go….
Thanks so much, Laura. I think this would be a wonderful direction to take. A huge part of me feels like the ‘tween website is not the right next step. Writing this blog post, reading the community’s suggestions, and reading advice in the comments, yours included, have been very helpful to me–so thank you!
I really liked that suggestion, too. Flashing forward to the end of our lives makes it a lot easier to see what matters most. I’m glad this article helped you. =)
Thanks so much, Kate. It was so nice to read your wonderful compliment this morning. I think speaking to large groups sounds like a fantastic idea. It’s funny–I’ve actually been somewhat terrified of public speaking. But recently, I spoke at the Wanderlust Yoga & Music Festival, and once I got in front of the group, all the fears melted into pure bliss. It was such a wonderful feeling to speak from my heart and see that it actually made a difference. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. It helped!
I’m fascinated by this matrix process! (And I would love to read about it…) It sounds like you have some pretty solid approaches for making major decisions. I love what you wrote about having an overriding life affirmation. That seems like a pretty meaningful and simple way to ascertain what’s best for you. When I really think about it, I know I want to do something offline..I think I vacillate mostly because of fear. However, shining a spotlight on that makes it a lot easier to push through it!
You’re most welcome, Dave! I always enjoy getting varied perspectives from the community. It never ceases to amaze me how insightful the responses are. I feel like my heart wants to balance my web writing with real-life engagement. This whole process has really helped me clarify that. Thanks so much for your help!
That’s great, Julia! I’m glad you found this post useful. =)
You are most welcome. Thank you for being here. =)
Hi Lori,
I’m glad you liked my way of making decisions (feeling a sense of relief). I’ve had to make a few hard decisions over the past 12 months that have included a great deal of loss but that feeling of relief was the thing that always told me which way to go.
However you make it and whatever decision you take, it will always be the right one. You will ultimately get to where you need to be, then wonder how it took you so long to find it!
Good luck and thanks for continuing to share so much of yourself with us.
Emma
Hi Lori,
In making a career decision that involved moving from the US to Asia, alone, two considerations arose. First, my heart was singing. I didn’t even have to weigh the pros and cons (for a research oriented MBA that was a really out of character!)
The second was a fear. I couldn’t even name or identify the fear. It was around, can I really do this job? It is a 3 jump promotion, Am I ready? So I thought: what is the worst that could happen? The answer: I wouldn’t do well, and I would lose my job, in Asia. Shame. Can’t return to the home base. Then I felt: That’s ok. I could travel to China where there may be opportunities. I don’t need to stay with this company Maybe this is even a jumping off point to work in China! That would be really interesting (in 1981 before China took off as an economic powerhouse.)
From then on, whenever major career decisions arose, it was easy: Was my heart singing, and what is the worst that could happen?
My heart was accurate: when a another job came up, it felt queasy. About a year later I learned that the product never got off the ground. Over a different job offer, it felt uneasy, I learned that the person in charge was underhanded.
As for the second question … the worst that could happen never did.
Each of us has a personal way to know what is right for us.
You know yours, Lori.
Trust yourself.
all my love,
linnaea
One thing you didn’t mention in your considerations is the physical aspect of your decision. At one point a few years ago, I had to make the difficult decision to cut back on my 5-6 hours/day online work simply because my body had begun to suffer from it (back, wrists, etc.; you know the drill). Something to think about?
Lori, on your prompt, I’ve just shared my matrix decision-maker process here: http://ponder-the-pre.posterous.com/how-to-make-a-difficult-decision-decision-mat. Hope it benefits you and others who are reading here.
[…] TinyBuddha […]
Thanks Emma. When I looked quickly, I didn’t realize that was your response since you’re not listed as Emma Brooke! Thank you for sharing your perspective. I love being able to gather community wisdom in this way.
Thanks so much, linnaea. You’ve had such amazing experiences! I think the “what’s the worst that could happen” question is phenomenal. It really helps in pushing through the fear. This post and the comments have helped me tremendously in deciding what’s right for me.
Wow thanks so much, Kate! How wonderful that you wrote that all out. I like that the first step is a cup of tea or coffee. Everything seems less intimidating with a nice warm beverage. =)
Unfortunately, I have yet to master the art of decision-making. I’m always so indecisive and now it seems to have reached its peak. I’ve been out of college over a year now and yet I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have two part time jobs and do freelance work, and I still have no clue what to do next. It’s been a major stress in my day-to-day life. I know I can “do whatever I want”, but it’s that fact that almost makes it even more difficult. There are TOO many choices…..it’s so overwhelming and I just feel so lost.
Anyway, enough about my struggles. When I do have a rare moment of efficient decision-making, it actually involves the least amount of thought. It sounds silly and counter-intuitive, but as a person who is constantly “in their head” and worrying, intense thinking just makes it worse. The only thing that seems to work for me is to distract myself…completely remove myself from the decision and focus on something else. Then return a little later and try to “connect” with my gut.
I wish I had more advice for you, but I wish you the best of luck. I’m sure whatever you decide, it will be the right decision 🙂 And thank you for creating such a great resource and community here. It’s been a rough year but Tiny Buddha always gives me a moment of calm and happiness.
[…] week, I wrote a post about making difficult decisions, which incorporated 30 ideas from the Tiny Buddha Facebook community. The experience of writing it […]
Lori- Go get Bikram training there in LA. I have been doing it for six months here in Florida and it absolutely revolutionized my 57 year old life. I am feeling like a teenager physically and truly am on a new kind of spirtual path from it.
That’s definitely something I might consider. I used to take Bikram Yoga, before I moved to LA, and I absolutely loved it. I have been doing more Vinyasa lately, but I miss the heated environment. I always felt so rejuvenated after a class. Thanks for the suggestion!
I know what you mean Jenna. I think having more options can make it much more difficult to choose. I felt somewhat paralyzed after I graduated from college. I had no clear path and no idea where to begin. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I felt even a slight pull.
Thanks for the luck. I am a lot like you–frequently in my head. Tuning into my instincts has helped immensely. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m going to do next, but I know it won’t be another website.
I’m glad to hear Tiny Buddha has been helpful to you. =)
These are GREAT tips!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for an awesome resourse that will be helpful in all aspects of life!!!!!!
I’m glad you found the post helpful! =)
hello,
there is always a point in a person’s life that he will have to make a major decision that will create a big impact in his life. Thank you for sharing these advices that are certainly a valuable help to anyone who is in a dilemma on what to choose because they are afraid of the consequences.
[…] I drive my wife nuts. She has absolutely no trouble deciding how she feels or what she likes and dislikes. For me, those decisions don’t come easily. […]
[…] How To Make A Difficult Decision: 30 Ideas to Help You Choose […]
[…] I drive my wife nuts. She has absolutely no trouble deciding how she feels or what she likes and dislikes. For me, those decisions don’t come easily. […]
[…] instinctive to wonder how we’ll feel down the line–to some extent, it guides our decision-making process. But the reality is, no matter what choice we make, there will be pros and cons. And on some level, […]
It is very meaningful to me that you would include my quote in your blog. Thank you for considering what I had to say. I have been searching for answers myself and seeing this has opened up a world of possibilities that I had not yet considered as closely as I see now that I should. Keep up the excellent work on this blog. It’s a constant source of inspiration and guidance for me!
Thank you Gentry–for sharing your wisdom with the community and for your kind words!
These ideas have proved to be very helpful for me and helped me a lot to solve my problem. Thank you for these tips.
These ideas have proved to be very helpful for me and helped me a lot to solve my problem. Thank you for these tips.
These ideas have proved to be very helpful for me and helped me a lot to solve my problem. Thank you for these tips.
You’re most welcome. =)
Hi Lori,
I love Tiny Buddha, thanks for sharing this amazing website with the community.
Right now I’m having a hard time putting my decision into action. I fear for what it is to come, yet I’m also excited for what it is to come… It’s hard to explain. I want to go back to my comfort zone so bad… that I don’t know if I should fight it anymore.