“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese
In a previous post about forgiveness, I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years ago.
I eventually realized that forgiving this person was the only way to set myself free. The resentment, bitterness, and sometimes pure rage were slowly killing me. They manifested in emotional and physical illness, constricting my life so that I was little more than the sum of my grievances and pains.
At many points I strongly believed my emotions would consume me, bit by bit, until I was nothing but the memory of my overwhelming, righteous fury.
It’s taken me years to forgive and do my part to transform this relationship because I decided that it was worth saving, but it hasn’t always been easy.
There have been times when I’ve gotten caught up in painful memories instead of being present in the relationship as it is today. Other times I’ve thought I’ve recognized behaviors reminiscent of the past, and struggled to set clear boundaries for myself.
Sometimes the answer is, plainly and simply, that it’s time to walk away, even if it’s a relationship with a family member. But if you choose not to for whatever reason, if you feel that this is worth fighting for, these ideas may help you stay—and stay happy—in this relationship as it is:
1. Realize that you can’t make people change.
Years ago a therapist told me that you can’t make people change—if they aren’t open to that, you can only change how you respond and relate to them. Knowing this, you may decide that you’re not able to maintain this relationship. You need to be honest with yourself here: is it really healthy to stay in this situation?
In my case, I created space to heal and then rebuilt a new, healthier relationship after the dynamics had transformed. Though I knew this relationship could enhance both of our lives, I also knew I needed to be mindful of my expectations, as there are certain things it may never be or provide.
2. Determine what you need.
You may feel that you can only forgive if this person fully acknowledges everything that hurt you and then takes responsibility for all of it. You may need to go to therapy, either alone or with this person. Or it may be sufficient for you to recognize remorse in actions and then work, on your own, to release your feelings.
This will be different for everyone, and that’s okay. You are allowed to need whatever you need—but it’s crucial that you identify it. If you know you can’t move on until you receive a thorough confession and apology, but that just isn’t happening, you will set yourself up for pain and unhappiness.
3. After your needs are met, do the work to forgive.
There’s an insightful quote that reads: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” That’s what it means to really forgive: accept that what happened happened, choose to find at least some iota of understanding for the other person’s actions, and then decide it’s in your best interest to let it go and move on.
As with most emotions and choices, forgiving is something we may need to do repeatedly. It’s not a one-time decision. What’s important is that you want to forgive—that you’re willing to have compassion for that person and see them with fresh eyes, even if it isn’t always easy.
If you don’t feel like you can do that, for whatever reason, you may need to take time and then reassess at a later date. It’s far better to take space and then reconnect when you’re ready to forgive than it is to preserve a relationship that just gets more strained and hostile with each passing day.
4. Assess your boundaries.
It’s a lot easier to forgive someone for a mistake or series of mistakes if you set clear boundaries for the relationship going forward.
You need to ask yourself if something needs to change in order for you to feel safe and happy in the relationship as it is. Do you need to spend less time together? Do you need to be clear that certain topics are not open for discussion? Do you need to assert yourself when the other person starts talking to you in a certain way?
If you suspect that someone may physically harm you, I strongly suggest you consult a professional who is trained to assist with domestic violence cases. This is a far different situation, as one slip-up could cost your life.
5. Practice mindfulness.
This is the most difficult part for me: every so often when I’m interacting with this person, memories from years ago resurface—memories I’ve released many times before. Generally, the present moment looks nothing like the past, but a word or a look can sometimes remind me how angry I felt back then.
I suspect this may be inevitable in situations like this. Over time the memories become far less frequent, but they always have the potential to pop back up because we are only human. Still, we are far more than the sum of our emotions and reactions.
We don’t need to let ourselves get swept away in anger, disappointment, or anything else that hurts. This doesn’t mean we won’t feel these things. In fact, it’s a good thing that we do. If we didn’t feel our pains, we likely wouldn’t feel our joys.
It means we can identify our emotions, sit with them, and then choose to challenge the thoughts that might exacerbate them.
The alternative is to rehash the past in your head—going through everything you wish didn’t happen, how you feel about the fact that it did, what you wish you did or said then, and how much you hope nothing similar ever happens again. It’s a lot easier to be present when you breathe through your feelings than it is when you obsess about them.
6. Open up to joy!
If you’ve chosen to maintain this relationship, you must feel that there’s something in it for (both of) you, or else you wouldn’t do it. Take the time to enjoy each other, living mindfully in the present, within the new boundaries you’ve set.
If you spend the majority of your time rehashing old stories or making this person repeatedly earn your forgiveness, this relationship won’t have a life in the present—it will just be a shadow of the past. And what’s the point of holding onto that? It would be far kinder to just set this person free than to stay connected by a pain you refuse to release.
Relationships aren’t easy. People make mistakes, but even the deepest wounds can heal and the most strained relationships can transform. We just need to learn to recognize when it’s healthy to hold on and when it’s wiser to let go.
Only you know what’s right for you in this moment, and only you can find the courage to honor it.
Photo by h.koppdelaney
**So sorry if you left a comment seeking advice and I wasn’t able to respond. I receive a lot of requests for advice on posts from the last ten years, and it’s sometimes tough for me to keep up. If you’re in need of advice or support, you may want to post in the Tiny Buddha forums to get insight from the whole community. You can register for the forums here and start a new post here. I hope you find the help you need!
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I am amazed, and in awe, that you have the strength to continue in a relationship with someone who hurt you. I have never been able to embrace the idea of forgiving someone who hurt me, even though I know my anger hurts me more than it ever did them–the person in question is actually dead now. But I still can’t do it–I’ve said the words, “I forgive you” about this person, but it made no difference in how I feel about them. And I can’t help feeling that “I forgive you” equals “What you did was okay” –what else can it mean? I remain a very unenlightened person, I’m afraid.
Hi Barbara,
It took me a very long time to start rebuilding this relationship, and it wasn’t easy. There were times when I thought I didn’t want it, but over the years, I realized I did–what I didn’t want was the pain I was holding onto. What helped me was compassion. I don’t believe this person had cruel intentions. I believe they made some serious mistakes. It also helps that the relationship has been different for many years now–it really feels completely different from what it once was. There is new respect, trust, and love.
If you’re struggling to forgive, I don’t think it’s because you’re unenlightened. Perhaps you’re just not ready.
As for what you wrote about “I forgive you” meaning “What you did was okay,” there’s another way to look at it. It could also mean “I know you know it wasn’t okay.” If you don’t know that, I can see why it would be difficult to forgive. Remorse from the offender helps a great deal.
Much love,
Lori
Hey Lori, I admire your perseverance in the wake of obvious pain in your relationship. Choosing to make right what wasn’t working takes great courage, and like you say, remaining in a relationship with someone who hurt you requires forgiveness.
Yet when we say “I forgive you” doesn’t it simply mean whatever the other person perceives it to mean? Our intent and its acceptance could be two entirely different things.
Perhaps saying “I forgive you” means saying “I accept you for who you are, and whether you hurt me or not is entirely up to me”.
Much easier said than done, and when done right must be truly liberating.
What about when the couple have young children?
Although this post doesn’t speak to a hurt I’m currently experiencing, it definitely references a time in my not-so-distant past. I was in a relationship for five years that was a prison for both of us. When I finally made the decision to leave (after thinking about it for almost two years!), it too me quite a long time to forgive the both of us: myself for wasting both of our time, and him for not living up to my expectations, for not being the man I had hoped he would be.
But once I let that go – once I looked on each of us with a mind of compassion towards our respective flaws, I realized we did do the best we could do and, for that, we should be applauded, not condemned.
Hi there,
I actually wasn’t speaking about romantic relationships specifically (mine was not). Depending on the type of situation, there may be many different factors to consider. If there is the potential for children to be hurt, my personal opinion would be very cut and dry–that would be the end of it. I would also draw a line if I thought I may be physically hurt at some point in the future.
Are you referring to your own situation?
Much love,
Lori
Hi Lori, thanks so much for the quote: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” I hadn’t seen that yet and I love that it’s easy to remember and clear as a bell. I’ll remember this as I sometimes struggle with a difficult relationship with someone in my family (described at http://bit.ly/oSCAkG).
This is exactly what I needed today.
I have let go of several relationships that were no longer healthy this year, including many family members. While it was a very difficult thing to do, it was the best thing to do. This post truly validated my reasoning, and reaffirmed that I do have permission to let go of that which isn’t serving me, or anyone else. Thank you.
This is such a wisely-written post, Lori. There is a lot here to digest and take to heart. I know from experience how much space it takes to be able to forgive someone or not let what happened in the past keep affecting your present. Like Catrien, the quote “forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past” really resonates with me.
Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt and honest post! Best wishes to you.
Hi Lori
Yes. I agonize over it. Very anger management problem controlling dependent partner, bad incident, I said “well, now, the whole paradigm must change”. It didn’t, she won’t do therapy but becomes ill if I try to assert boundaries. The children pity her, but notably never go to her for hugs, but always to me. I want to see some way through other than saying apologize apologize, something that looks at the now, and what there is. But I don’t want to teach my children subconsciously to seek out grim unhappy marriages. At the same time, I know they currently have perhaps the best experience of their mother they will have, and you only get one mother.
There are small little positives, small little changes, though
What if the person who hurt you is an “acting out” teenager? What then?
Hi Lori,
“forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past”.
That describes forgiveness succinctly. It will now be easier for me to forgive. I actually welcome it now, rather than resisting.
Practicing mindfulness.
Sometime last week you wrote about how, after writing 600+ articles for tiny buddha, sometimes thoughts arose that did not align with your writing. (this is from memory, and my own interpretation of what you were communicating). I believe there was some frustration expressed (or I read between the lines), frustration with thoughts arising in spite of years of practice.
I had wanted to write a comment, but you actually have written it for me, in the section about mindfulness: “I suspect this may be inevitable in situations like this. Over time, the memories become far less frequent, but they always have the potential to pop back up because we are only human.”
Actually it may be inevitable in all situations (that evoke our emotions), Not only memories, but thoughts we may not be proud of have the potential to pop up.
Pema Chodren, a Tibetan Buddhist nun, has shared with people at a public talk that even after decades of meditation, thoughts and distractions still pop up while she is meditating. She is not in the least embarrassed by it. It is real.
His Holiness the Dalai lama councils new students of Buddhism not to judge themselves when they see that their mind still thinks, thinks, thinks, after one or two retreats, or after a few months of practice. He says (from my memory, not exact words): Continue meditating, continue practicing. Five years from now, ten years, look back, and you will see a difference. The immediate change is so small, it isn’t perceptible. But over time it is evident. You will be happier.
enjoy,
linnaea
Thank you for this post and all the others that have been made with the higher purpose of helping us to stick to the present moment and find inner peace withing ourselves and compassion for others. I struggle everyday to just be present! It seems unbelievable how simple it sounds to do it and how hard it is to actually put it in practice. TinyBuddha you make everyday so meaningful! Everyday I read a shared story that reminds me to love myself more, to be happy , to forgive…today’s post was so directed to a particular crisis I am going through in a relationship right now , that it seemed unbelievable! Finally, I am calmly dealing with my ego, assessing by far and judging whether this relationship can be healed, without putting me in such a strained relationship all the time. I’m also more open to admit change and to embrace it. It was refreshing to see others also have the same doubts regarding certain things in life…I specially find amazing the sharing you all collectively do, it really helps others…it really improves their life…and I must say an endless thank you for being so kind to all of us out here in the cyberspace and around the world 😉
Nice post Lori, I liked it much. Is what I guess I was wanting to find, not like a guide to forgive, but some steps and important sentences to support my theories. Cause yeah, I stil feel something for the one who hurt me. Sometimes is important to let go, cause could be the only way that could come back to you, or is what sometimes i think, anyway I dont want that what happened between her and me, stay as a dark shadow of the past by holding this pains, that maybe one of us get wrong by doing pain, and now I feel im the most damaged, but sometimes helps to me to rememeber why I think im not guilty, and not such thing like give guilt or blame to someone. But past is past and I guess i must thank to everything for it (I did it jeje) and even if im stil having a sense of love for what we had, would be grea to have it again, but now we go for different ways, so would be great to cross paths. Anyway we stil alive and the life rolls with us.
Greetings and nice blog ;D
This was a great post. I’ve gone through exactly these challenges in the last few months and although not an easy path to follow, one cannot deny the wisdom behind it. Thanks for the inspiring reminder.
You are most welcome, Catrien. This quote has been very helpful to me in forgiving and being present!
You are most welcome, Catrien. This quote has been very helpful to me in forgiving and being present!
You’re welcome, Cathi. I know how hard it can be to let go of an unhealthy relationship, and I really admire that you were able to do that.
Absolutely, Joy. It’s so tempting to look back at the past as wasted time–I have been there! But in any moment, we do the best we can. How wonderful that you’re able to realize that now in retrospect. I think oftentimes we are far harder on ourselves than we are on others.
That sounds like a tough situation. Is she addressing her anger
management problems now? I think it’s great that you want to help your
children preserve your relationship with their mother. They’re lucky to
have you as a parent!
You are most welcome, Malcolm. =)
Hi Cary,
This is so insightful: Perhaps saying “I forgive you” means saying “I accept you for who you
are, and whether you hurt me or not is entirely up to me”.
It’s like that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can hurt me without my consent.” We definitely have a say in how we interpret things. (Though I think this differs somewhat when people are abusive).
Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Lori
Since I am not a parent, this is slightly difficult for me to address. In what way did your teenager hurt you? Physically or emotionally?
I believe that self forgiveness is also a huge part of the healing process and ability to move forward. Sometimes, it is easier said than done, but once we find a way to do that, the locks and chains fly off of our heart and we find a way to be compassionate with ourselves.
Great post, thank you!
Thank you 🙂
No, she’s getting CBT for anxiety because she shut down and started playing online games – not gambling – during waking hours, and not sleeping. I have great compassion for that. She also has cognitive difficulties and misses social cues, increasingly, and feels very hurt when others (not just me) assert their boundaries, or she is just entirely in her own world. But she doesn’t see, and thus won’t report, to her therapist, her anger problem.
It is fascinating, though, and here your article really helped me, just to be in the present. To respond with boundaries, to counter balance, to be patient but not a doormat. I’d greatly prefer, brought into marriage the expectation of, total honesty with the children: this is what’s happening, kids, etc. I feel confident, though, that the children will look back and say “we got to see the best of mum for years” and “dad adores us”. I feel they will make some unconscious choices of bad partners initially, but will get it out of their system. It’s odd to adjust expectation, to make the best. I need some way to be in joy, as I do, as you see, have some peace. But maybe joy is an unpresent expectation/desire
You’ve helped me today
I have to say thank you for your post
I too have such a relationship, I was hurt from it emotionaly but I gave me a lot of joy and openned my eyes to new things in life, so I was struggling for some time now wheather I should keep the relationship or not. I took some time off and put some space between us, I decided that I’m gonna keep it with the option of taking time off when it’s necessery,
as you said relationships are hard and they are not straight forward, especially when you don’t the difficulties and the hard times that the other person is having
I believe that forgiveness is a way of life not a simple act and I believes that what goes around comes around so maybe a dear one will forgive me when I do mistakes too
Hi Lori, I was in the middle of a breakdown today because of how my mother was abusive to me as a child. I’m wavering on maintaining a relationship with her, more so I don’t have these pain relapses/memories… Although sometimes my mind just dredges them up. A friend of mine asked me if forgiving her might held me let go of the mountain I’ve been carrying my whole life, and I said yes, but I can’t. I thought it meant saying it was ok that she did the things she did. I was reading the comments and see others have the same issue. I will try, but it’s so hard to feel any understanding for what happened. While there is remorse, it seems she wants people to feel sorry for her that I’m angry, which makes me feel it’s for show and not sincere (also, she doesn’t agrees what happened to me). I’d love to hear more on the letting go part, I feel like cutting my mother out of my life would hurt other family and it’s just not fair for anyone. Also, it upsets me and doesn’t resolve anything. I’m in so much pain I need to do something… Funny you wrote this today.
Thanks Alannah. These ideas were probably the most powerful for me (out of all the suggestions in the posts I’ve written), in terms of healing, peace, and happiness. Forgiveness can be so hard, particularly when the wounds were deep. Thank you for the well wishes, and right back at you. =)
I’m glad I helped. Sending lots of love your way. =)
Thanks, Lori. This is a tough one for me. I spent a good 10 years without a relationship with my father because I wasn’t done being angry and hurt. Sometimes it’s still hard, but I let him know exactly where my boundaries are and told him I expect him to respect them.
You are most welcome! That’s great that you’ve been able to rebuild a relationship with your father.
I’m sure it feels liberating to let go of the pain and anger, even if
it’s not always easy. My motto for everything is one day at a time.
Hi Sara,
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. I really do understand what you’re going through here. It’s possible your mother wants people to feel sorry for her (and she won’t fully own up to what happened) because she is dealing with shame, which manifests as denial. I know this doesn’t make things any easier on you, because you absolutely deserve a heartfelt apology, not tainted by unnecessary drama. But it may explain her behavior.
Have you seen a therapist to work through your feelings? That helped me tremendously. Letting go can be so difficult, and unfortunately there isn’t an easy answer.
If you’d like to email me, I am here. My email address is email(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com.
Much love,
Lori
I love what you wrote about forgiveness being a way of life. What a beautiful idea =)
You are most welcome!
Thank you Guly. I’m glad this was helpful to you!
You are most welcome. I know how difficult it can be to be mindful. I work at it every day! The ideas may be simple, but the application is often complicated (that’s why I chose the tag line “simple wisdom for complex lives”!)
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really love knowing this site helps people. =)
Thanks so much, linnaea. I think you hit the nail on the head that there is peace in accepting our humanity. That’s why I write about it–because I choose not to be ashamed of being real (not anymore, that is!)
This article made me think twice about deciding to keep my relationship with the man who wronged me. That is exactly what I needed. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Kam!
Lori, I just came across this post retweeted on Twitter and am so grateful that you wrote it. “Forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past” – I think that’s going to become my new mantra! My partner is currently not talking to me because of a fight we had last night which was essentially me bringing up a buried issue from our past. He was wrong back then, but I was wrong for how I handled my anger and jealousy yesterday. I hate feeling like this, nothing hurts more than to be at odds with your love. Maybe we won’t recover from this one (often feels like that, doesn’t it?) or maybe we will. All I know is this post wad perfectly timed and for that, I thank you. (And I don’t normally pour my heart out like this in blog posts!) Next time you’re on the east coast, feel free to look me up – I have a feeling we might benefit from sharing notes! Thanks again for posting.
Nikki xo
Hi Nikki,
You are most welcome. I know those arguments well. It can be so hard to let go of hurtful past memories. It truly is a process.
Where on the east coast are you? I am actually in Massachusetts now visiting my family, though I am leaving in a couple days to head back home.
xo,
Lori
Well we resolved things. The interim is never easy though, is it? But all you can do is pick yourself up and keep trying, keep pushing forward. At some juncture, you may have to acknowledge a relationship is too detrimental to your well being, but in the meantime – all you can do is keep trying for as long as you have energy to do so.
I live in Rhode Island. I moved here from the UK 3 and a 1/2 years ago. I’m on Twitter @NikkiGroom:disqus
Anyway, just an awesome post – thank you again 🙂
[…] many years I maintained a relationship that I was not happy with. I’m sure a lot of people have been there, or are there right now. I […]
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[…] How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who Has Hurt You (me) […]
Thank you for this! It’s so meaningful to me.
You are most welcome!
I can imagine what you must be going through Sara.
It has taken me many steps through years to acknowledge my pain, to grieve the lack of love in significant parts of my life because of the physical, verbal, emotional abuse I went through as my mother’s child. I’ve been through multiple journeys of self-healing and the first tangible step each time has been giving myself long periods of time away from mother and others who were influential in my thinking/beliefs. This helped dilute their voices in my head and made it easier for me to find my own inner voice, discover myself, gain a clearer understanding of who I am, what my essence is like, what my truth is, what my inherent values are. Now, as I gain more clarity in my awareness of my identity, I’ve started setting boundaries. It was easier to first start practicing setting boundaries with strangers, acquaintances. Slowly, I’ve been able to start holding my ground with distant family members, friends. Last month, I had a conversation with my mother via telephone and another with a friend I’ve known for 9 years via email. Mother tried to explain her stance, I stood my ground firmly and without antagonism. The conversation went fairly well in comparison to previous ones. The friend verbally threw up and said she was done with me.
Speaking my truth with no antagonism is showing me that blessings can come in different ways 🙂