“You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
In our personal development-focused, life coach-dependent world, it’s all too easy to think you need to change. Not just the things you do, but who you are.
It’s one thing to invite transformation for the sake of growth, improvement, and new possibilities. It’s another thing to feel so dissatisfied with yourself that no amount of change could possibly convince you that you’re worthy and lovable.
This type of intrinsic self-loathing formed the basis of my adolescence and some of my twenties. It was like I was constantly trying to gut myself so I could replace myself with someone better.
Ironically, I won a karaoke contest in the early nineties for singing The Greatest Love of All—yet I hadn’t learned to love myself. I didn’t know the greatest love of all, or any love, really, being about as closed off as a scab.
On most days, I kept a running mental tally of all the ways I messed up—all the dumb things I said, the stupid ideas I suggested, and the inevitably unsuccessful attempts I made to make people like me. How could they when I wasn’t willing to lead the way?
I tell you this not as an after picture who can’t even remember that girl from before, but as someone who has lived this past decade taking two steps forward and one step back. For my willingness to give you this honesty, I am proud.
People are more apt to share their struggles once they feel like they’re on the other side. It’s a lot less scary so say “This is who I used to be” than “This is what I struggle with sometimes.”
But this is my truth, and I give it to you, wholeheartedly and uncensored. On a primal level, I really want to be loved and accepted, but I learn a little more every day that my own self-respect is the foundation of lasting joy.
I know that I am not so different from most people. Who doesn’t want to feel that people understand them, get them, and at the end of it all love them anyway? I think we all want to believe it’s perfectly okay, and maybe even wonderful, to be exactly who we are.
Of course, that has to start with us. People can only love us if we believe we’re lovable. You may not fully believe it if you:
- Constantly compensate for who you are with apologies, hedging words, or clarifications for your actions, like you always owe other people explanations.
- Beat yourself up when you make even the slightest mistake.
- Think about your flaws and feel overwhelming disgust or anger.
- Cling to people who see the best in you and find it hard to maintain those positive feelings when they walk away.
- Tell yourself that you’re being selfish whenever you consider meeting your own needs.
- Repeatedly do self-destructive things, or make choices that show you don’t respect or value yourself.
- Don’t consider your needs a priority.
- Always find a reason to talk yourself out of your dreams as if perhaps you don’t deserve to have them.
I have done every last one of these things at some point. I suspect we all have. Sometimes it’s challenging to love ourselves, particularly in a world where change generates a substantial amount of revenue.
There are always going to be products and ideas for us to get better; and it’s a beautiful thing to embrace life-long growth. Life is transformation; staying static is a kind of death. But it’s important that we all realize we are beautiful and wonderful just as we are—light and dark, in our complete authentic selves.
1. Know that you are not your worst mistakes.
Our past actions shaped today, but we are not what we’ve been. We don’t need to carry around labels or mistakes from yesterday as if they define us. Whatever you’ve done, it’s over. It doesn’t have to brand you, particularly not if you’re making the conscious choice to do things differently now.
We can judge ourselves by the weakest moments or the strongest—that’s our choice. Choose to focus on the strongest, and then leverage that pride for more of those moments. Every time you feel good about what you do, it’s one more reminder to love who you are.
2. Know that you have nothing to prove.
I don’t care how esteemed or successful someone is; there are things they’re proud of and things they’re ashamed of, and inside they wish people would see more of the former and less of the latter.
We all want validation. It’s an intrinsic human need to feel connected to other people; and oftentimes, when we feel alone, it’s because we believe we haven’t proven how good we are or can be.
You don’t have to show the world you’re good. You don’t have to try to hide the things you’ve done that might not seem flattering. You just need to forgive and accept yourself and trust that other people will, as well.
Being authentic means being vulnerable—letting people see all your different facets, trusting they won’t judge you, and knowing that if they do, that’s completely on them.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be real with people, and know the ones who accept me accept me fully, than pretend and then have to maintain the illusion that I am something I’m not.
3. Know the dark is valuable.
So you’ve made mistakes—who hasn’t? The beauty of having faltered is that you can help the world with your experiences.
Because we err and hurt, we can empathize when other people are hurting. We can reach out of ourselves, forget our own pains, and hold other people up when they need it.
Having strengths and weaknesses is intrinsically human. If I didn’t have less flattering traits and stories, this site would likely not exist.
When you realize your flaws can help the world and bring us closer together, suddenly they seem less like liabilities and more like assets.
4. Know that you matter.
When I was a child, an authority figure in my life told me, “If I was your age, I wouldn’t be your friend.”
I held onto this for years—that given the choice, most people wouldn’t like me. As I got older, a lot of people appeared to feel uncomfortable around me, and for good reason. I was like a leech on them, desperately hoping they’d un-say that one horribly undermining comment someone else spoke years ago.
I couldn’t believe I mattered until someone said it to me. Well, now I know differently—I know I do matter, and that how my life matters is dependent on what I do from day to day.
Know that you touch countless people’s lives every day, even if someone isn’t blogging or tweeting about it. Just like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, you do kind things that have a ripple effect you can’t possibly measure.
Even if not everyone has recognized it, you make a positive difference in the world. Your positive self regard may feel stronger at some times than others, but even the smallest seed of love is valuable because it can grow.
5. Know that positive feelings and actions breed more.
All these warm fuzzy feelings mean very little if you sit alone, wishing you could experience the world differently. Once we accept that we’re worthy of love and our dreams, the natural next step is to actually create those things—not what we think we should do; what we really want to do.
Get out into the world. Do that thing that scares and excites you. Recognize you’re awesome for doing it, even if in just one small step. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, and instead focus on progress.
Love in action every day. Do something kind for you. Do something kind for others. Do something kind for the world.
Acknowledge your weaknesses, work to improve them, but say loud and proud that they will not define you. If you start worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, remember you deserve to enjoy the present, but only you can make it happen.
I haven’t always done this. I’ve let a lot of moments slip away while I curled up in my head, wishing I was someone better. But those moments have passed, and in this moment, I am happy with me. I may not know you, but I know I want that love for you too. I know you deserve it.
This has been a little uncomfortable for me, to be honest. I’ve yet again split myself open. But this time I’m not trying to change what’s inside. I’m just here telling you that I am flawed, like we all are, and that’s not only okay, but beautiful.
Much love and light to you from someone ever learning what love really means.

About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Great post. Authenticity can be quite a challenge. We often want to change from one way we thought we should be to another way we think we should become. The motivation behind the change is pleasing others. If we are not being authentic to ourselves, being who we are, we are not pleasing ourselves. We need to help ourselves first and then we will be better able to help others. If some people don’t like our true selves, others will.
Thanks for another great post Lori – I have spent most of my life in ‘self-loathing’ – which manifested itself in addiction. In recovering from that those that helped me said “let us love you until you can learn to love yourself” – how powerful is that!! And in that space of love I did learn to love myself. I was also able to recognise that some of my worst experiences were my greatest assets – in terms of experiences that I could use to help others. Today, I know that I matter, that I have something to give. I also know that being authentic and true to myself is the key to this – too many years were spent people-pleasing and being chameleon like, just so you would ‘like’ me. Today I am what I am – and I accept that. Great start to a Monday – thanks 🙂
Thanks for another great post Lori – I have spent most of my life in ‘self-loathing’ – which manifested itself in addiction. In recovering from that those that helped me said “let us love you until you can learn to love yourself” – how powerful is that!! And in that space of love I did learn to love myself. I was also able to recognise that some of my worst experiences were my greatest assets – in terms of experiences that I could use to help others. Today, I know that I matter, that I have something to give. I also know that being authentic and true to myself is the key to this – too many years were spent people-pleasing and being chameleon like, just so you would ‘like’ me. Today I am what I am – and I accept that. Great start to a Monday – thanks 🙂
Lori, this is possibly the best post from you. Evah! It’s certainly the most resonant to me. For what is a seeker of wisdom if not a person driven by a desire to undo his foolishness? What is a student if not a person who feels bereft of knowledge? Who would read a personal development blog but someone who feels discontented with her Self. We feed our essential sense of inadequacy with encouragement, inspiration, lessons from others. We look outside ourselves for models of the kind of human we want to be, but the irony is that we can only perceive that which we already are. So our quest is less about improving than simply revealing. To own what is true about ourselves despite our worst judgment of what we know and to love ourselves unconditionally is grace beyond measure. Thank you for your honesty. Beautiful! And so are you. Happy Holidays.
Pam Picard
http://www.reinventing64.com
Love this post Lori! Reminds me of this quote from Virginia Woolf: “No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.”
Love this post Lori! Reminds me of this quote from Virginia Woolf: “No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.”
Amen! Thank you for such a wonderful message. You are such an Inspiration 🙂 Love.
A beautiful post, thank you for sharing! As a teacher of mine would say, ‘I love your spirit!’x
#4 hit home with me…i had something similar said to me when i was a teenager…still effects me to this very moment. i really needed this post today, so im very thankful it showed up on my facebook. thank you so much!
This came at just the right time, after a night of weeping and contemplating what I have done wrong for so many years and missing the last six of my daughters life. Thank you for giving me the opportunity/excuse to reset my brain and continue working towards the positive instead of dwelling on the hardships and negative aspects of my past.
Excellent article! I see so much of my own experiences in what you have shared. Thank you!
Excellent article! I see so much of my own experiences in what you have shared. Thank you!
Lori, I just love the authenticity of this post – I can certainly relate!
To see the beauty that we are is the best gift of this season – perfect in every way.
Love this post. I read recently that the average person spends a minimum of 500 hours per year on negative self-talk, many people spend as much as 2,000 hours. Imagine what kind of impact that has on one’s self esteem. This posting gives easy to implement basic suggestions for countering that, well emphasized with “Knowing Positive Feelings and Actions Breed More.” The first person we need to be compassionate with is ourselves.
sThat picture of you makes me want to jump offa cliff because I don’t look like that. Just sayin.
Once again Lori, you have hit the nail on the head … You are young and have already found the key to happiness in being yourself! I am not old … well, according to the chronological calendar, perhaps 🙂 Once I realized that “being myself” (who else could I be? 🙂 was a big key in being happy, my life took a wonderful turn. Now I am going back into the work force, after many years of working for myself, caring for my father and then my mother as well as friends parents, for 16 years. It is not an easy task. At near retirement age, I find my energy less than when I was 35 … it may be that I need to find a new dream to follow. And I am working towards that end! Thank you for your encouragement to all of us out here struggling to realize our dreams!
I’m with the majority. I loved this post! I think that finding these things out at any age is why we are here. How lucky that you did it so soon! I’m an older person who is only now beginning to realize what an enemy, or at the very least an impediment, I have been to myself. Every day gets better!
discoverysharon.blogspot.com
This is a beautiful post, Lori!! 🙂
This is a beautiful post, Lori!! 🙂
[…] and foremost. She’s living proof that this kindness will radiate to everyone in our sphere. Read How to Love Your Authentic Self Related Posts:Spiritual Response Therapy: Dumbo’s FeatherHappily Every After: One Day at […]
First of all, I love your dress in that photo. Second of all, thank you so much for this post. It was exactly what I wanted to read at exactly the point in time that I wanted to hear it. For me, right now, posting this comment is extremely uncomfortable and scary – and so often I beat myself up for stuff like that because I know it’s not a big deal. But reading your post, I realize that it’s okay for me to be however I am. Again, thank you.
I am 58 and I have loathe myself way too long. Thank you for this particular post.
Thanks Amanda. That’s a beautiful quote!
Hi Pamela,
I love what you wrote about not improving, but revealing. What a fantastic way to look at it. Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate that you’re a part of Tiny Buddha. =)
Lori
You are most welcome. I think a lot of people can relate to this, even if they wouldn’t all admit it. We are not so different, and we are not alone. Happy holidays =)
Thank you! I love that dress, as well. I’m so glad this post could help remind you that it’s OK to be whoever you are. I need those reminders, too, from time to time. I love that this running this site and reading other people’s posts helps tremendously with that. Happy holidays =)
Thank you! I’m so glad you liked it!
That’s beautiful Sharon–about every day getting better! It’s all too easy for us to get down on ourselves in our heads and not realize it. Putting this out there feels liberating, so thank you for reading and being part of the conversation!
Hi Sarah,
How exciting that you’re in a place to find a new dream, and armed with such empowering awareness. You’re most welcome for the encouragement–thank you for being here and for being part of this conversation. I appreciate you. =)
Lori
Hi Jessica,
I’m sorry to hear that my picture elicited that type of response. I hope the words themselves were more comforting. I don’t know you, but I know I want to help, not cause you more pain.
If I can help in any way, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I’d like to be a friend.
Lori
Hi Allen,
Those numbers sound about right to me. I recently read that the average person thinks 80% negative thoughts but pretends it’s more like 5% because we want to appear mostly together, and yet still human.
I think we need to acknowledge what goes on in our own heads because only then we can challenge it. You’re absolutely right–we need to be compassionate with ourselves.
Thank you for commenting. =)
Lori
Thanks Karen. It always feels really liberating to put it out there, uncensored. Thank you for being part of Tiny Buddha =)
Lori
You are most welcome! I’m so glad that this was helpful to you.
thank you.
Knowing that my post helped in that way is the best gift I could ask for this holiday season. I need reminders to word toward the positive sometimes, and I think it’s helpful to remember we’re not all that different, and we’re all in this together.
You are most welcome! I think of those words often, too; but then I remember that just because someone else was hurtful, that doesn’t mean I need to be a victim.
You are most welcome! I think of those words often, too; but then I remember that just because someone else was hurtful, that doesn’t mean I need to be a victim.
You’re most welcome–thank you for reading!
You’re most welcome–thank you for reading!
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. This whole experience is all the more satisfying when I get to engage with people. =)
Hi Steve,
I know addiction well. What beautiful words your loved ones said to you. Your whole comment was so inspiring–thank you for sharing your insights!
When I was hurting the most, someone once said to me, “You amaze me, even at your weakest. I can’t wait to see what happens when you get strong.” Later when I was struggling, I used that as my mantra, “Get strong. Get strong.”
To this day it helps me. I don’t have to cower in fear. I can stand strong whenever I choose to.
Happy Monday =)
Lori
Well said, David! There’s little more empowering than realizing we don’t have to be liked by everyone. When I remember that, I am far happier. Thank you for reading and being part of the conversation!
Just what I needed to hear! I loved this Lori! Thank you for posting. You have no idea how much this post meant to me 🙂 Great work & thanks again!
Thank you so much for this post. I really needed to hear these things. I’m going through a rough time in my life and keep making excuses for loving myself. I keep saying that when I do certain things then I can love myself again but these things may not happen. The best time to love ourselves is now.
My pleasure. I am so inspired by you and Tiny Buddha. I riffed on your post on my blog. Have a look.
http://www.reinventing64.com/2010/12/how-to-love-your-authentic-self-lori-deschene/
Lori,
I think you are so brave for being able to write about yourself, your thoughts, your experiences so openly and honestly. I really admire that and I hope one day I can feel just as comfortable with myself to do the same. This post really hit home and I’m going to keep re-reading it and practicing what it says until I can get to the point of unconditional love for myself.
Thank you,
– T.
I really, really, REALLY needed to read this. Thank you, deeply, from a random person in the Universe.
A beautiful post, and a beautiful photo Lori.
Had a holistic massage this evening and spent the time talking about this very topic with my masseuse. So to come home and read this was amazing timing. This article is very apt for me right now. Having spent many years struggling to change things about myself with limited success I am now realising that I need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself some love. I hope I can do it and hope to get ongoing motivation from tinybuddha. Keep up the good work and many thanks for your wise words here.
Just today I found out that something I did really hurt my closest friend, and I felt terrible. Of course we discussed it and came to a resolution, but I have felt so horrible about it all day. I kept telling myself to move on, start over and know that I won’t make the same mistake in the future, but then this post came along. I can definitely take it to heart and apply it to how I’m feeling now (in addition to things I’ve done/been through in the past). It’s so tough to remember to be gentle with yourself, especially when you feel like you really deserve some kind of punishment.
I have take to printing out the posts from this site that resonate the most with me, and this is one that I will definitely print out and refer back to. Thanks once again for the very timely, thoughtful and sincere piece.