“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.
I had my first serious relationship in college, when all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.
The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I realized this soon after it ended—that I’d spent three years expecting someone else to love me when I didn’t love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single for almost a decade.
I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.
Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.
If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on.
1. Practice releasing regrets.
When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t. All dwelling does is cause you to suffer.
When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.
It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for ten minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.
2. Work on forgiving yourself.
You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life and if only you didn’t do it, you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there!
Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.
Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself. And that means forgiving yourself.
3. Don’t think about any time as lost.
If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my twenties, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.
If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.
When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.
4. Remember the bad as well as the good.
Brain scientists suggest nearly 20% of us suffer from “complicated grief,” a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence—that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.
As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t. In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.
Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.
5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.
It’s quite possible you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this relationship. And maybe you felt strong, satisfied, and happy, if not with everything in your life, on the whole.
Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.
Your former self attracted your ex, and they’re still there inside you. That person will get you through this loss and will attract someone equally amazing in the future, when the time is right. If you can’t remember who you were, get to know yourself now. What’s important to you? What do you enjoy? What makes you feel alive?
If you never felt satisfied and happy on your own, use this as opportunity to become the kind of person you’d want to be with, because you’re going to be with yourself forever, regardless of your relationship status. And though someone else can complement your life, you are the only one who can fill yourself from the inside out.
6. Create separation.
Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.
It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness, whatever that may look like.
You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.
7. Let yourself feel.
Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.
First, you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next, you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.
Then, you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding. Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost.
Eventually, you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.
You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it, or write about it in a journal.
8. Remember the benefits of moving on.
When you let go, you give yourself peace.
Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.
Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.
When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.
If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.
You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.
9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.
When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.
You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless.
Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.
10. Embrace impermanence.
Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.
The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.
When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.
—
It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am fifteen months into a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet. In fact, last night he flew from California to Boston, where I’ve been visiting for the last two weeks, to spend time with me and my family.
I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.
Update: As you can see from the comment section, I have received many requests for advice, and I have done my best to offer guidance and support. However, I feel a responsibility to express that this post presents my own personal experiences and lessons. I am not an expert on relationships, and I hold no formal training in psychology or counseling. If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationship, I highly recommend you consult a qualified professional.
Update #2: Due to the high volume of requests for advice, on this and other posts, I may not be able to respond to your comment. However, you are more than welcome to share your experiences! Other readers may be able to offer their insights. Alternatively, you may want to join the Tiny Buddha forums to seek guidance and support from the community.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hey, thanks for this. I really needed this time in my life.
[…] How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Peacefully Move … […]
of course what u mentioned is absolutely right,and one thing am having a situation as you mentioned in this post right now!..but while i was reading through this,i remember my past,i felt,”is this love?””how much short is it?”if everyone forgets,everthing he does,then what is love?even the time when i was in a relation i had some intense deep relation with my lover as everyone does,which was done by the belief that ,the lover will be mine…but if all this has to be forgotten!then y did all are loving?
Great post. I just broke up so this really lifted me up.
I've been single for more than a couple of years now but the memories keep coming back. He was a great guy but over time, he changed into someone I barely knew! To be honest, I wanted out of the relationship but I stayed on for my ex considering he'd lost his father and had no social life.Each time I tried to talk about it, he'd make me stay and I did. It was too late by the time I realised that he was using me as his emotional crutch. All I wanted was closure, that would make things so much more easier… I think.
There, I said it. Just letting it out makes me feel a little bit better. Thank you!
Much love. 🙂
Just made a list of things to do to help me feel happier with a goal of not needing the list anymore at some point. It should keep me from wasting time dwelling on the past and keep me in the present where my energies belong. I miss a lot of things about the past that will never return, like my fading youth, but I don't seem to dwell on those things lost as much as I have this one faded relationship. When I think about it that way, it seems even more absurd and irrational to be obsessing over a guy. I am so much more than that! Thank you so much for the inspiration to do more with myself and congratulations on your healthy relationship!
Lori,
Thanks for sharing this post. I know you mentioned that it was really personal to you. I can relate to so much of what you talk about in this post based on the few relationship I've had. I never had a significant other in college, largely because I was so dependent on others for my happiness. It's only when I came to that realization that things took a turn for the better.
I was the one who ended both of the relationships I was in. With the second one, forgiving myself was one of the biggest challenges I ever went through. I had so much guilt about the fact I had kept somebody in a relationship for a year even though I knew I was going to leave the city I was leaving in at the end of that year. My significant other knew that from the beginning, but I still felt a massive amount of guilt about it. It took me a long time to forgive myself. It's really hard to no matter which end of things you are on.
I think many people tend to lose who they are in the relationship and connecting who they were outside of it is something that really is important. In an ideal world they should never disconnect from who they are outside the relationship in the first place. But, I think temptation to make another person happy really can be a driver of this.
Relationships and dating have been one of my personal greatest challenges in life, but I think that all the life lessons I've learned from them ultimately have set me up to have a much more successful happy relationship in the long term. It sounds like it's been the same for you 🙂
hi lori…this is a timely article for me…i was just feeling a bit down for the past few days thinking of an ex…he left me for over a year now and i know i have let him go but sometimes the pain still haunts me…thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂
Hi Ally~
I'm glad that this was helpful for you. I know what it's like to feel haunted by the pain of a past relationship. Letting go can be so hard, but I think it's easier when we can lean on each other.
I hope you're having a great weekend!
Lori
Hi Srinirao~
Absolutely–relationships have been a huge challenge for me, but the process of being whole and happy in them has made me a better, stronger person.
I think one of the reason relationships are so hard is because they're like mirrors for ourselves. If part of yourself is unhealthy, it's impossible to have a healthy relationship; if part of yourself is unhappy, it's impossible to have a happy relationship.
I've put a lot of time into learning how to be in relationships without manipulating or depending on the other person in an unhealthy way. Just acknowledging that I used to do that was almost too shameful to bare, but it was the only way to stop.
Thanks for sharing your experiences here. It's nice to know other people can relate, and that maybe we can all help each other.
Have an awesome weekend!
Lori
Thanks Naimah! I think it's awesome that you're assessing what makes you happy in life. Sounds like a great way to stay mindful and be proactive about your state of mind. So thank YOU for the inspiration =)
Lori
Hi there~
I know what you mean about the memories coming back. It can be so hard to consciously choose to not indulge a memory when it resurfaces. I'm glad you were able to walk away from that relationship and come out stronger. Even when you know it's right, walking away can be so hard!
Much love back =)
Lori
This was an extremely helpful post, thank you for writing it.
My situation is a little different… I had a very close friend for about 6 years and we started to get very intimate with each other, but she called me up a couple weeks ago and said we should no longer be friends because she couldn't be friends with someone she had been intimate with (and clearly she didn't want to pursue a more intimate relationship, either). It has been devastating for me. I know she was never truly my girlfriend, but the pain of losing someone so close to me feels almost like a mini-death, like you mentioned. She also I feel was responsible for waking me up as a person and helping me build my self-confidence; to have her leave now almost feels like all that work is being undone.
I think I've been trying to make her happy for so long, I've lost sight of myself. In a way, I sometimes feel this is a blessing in disguise and that she is really just setting me free. But I still find myself wanting to speak with her and hold her again if only for one last time, despite all the hardships I've had to go through just to be her friend. I would like to move on but I don't know where to begin; it seems like all I want is her, and I will never find her in anyone again. Therein lies the problem… I was leaning too heavily on her to make me feel happy. The problem is myself.
Anyway please excuse my ranting. Your post is very helpful and I shall be referencing it from time to time to help myself. I believe I need to better myself before I can go out and try to be with someone again.
Thanks Lori. This post came at the perfect time, days after I broke up. Whenever my thoughts wandered, I came back to this again. It really helps, till now. And I particularly remember this quote which you shared from tinybuddha site, that “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”.
This is the second week since we ended the relationship. The pain is still there but I'm feeling so much better. I share tinybuddha with friends and family, they love it to bits. I actually was in the midst of writing to you about me and my ex-boyfriend, but after that I realised I have to embrace impermanence (yes, from one of tinybuddha links too!).
Just so you know, you're a source of inspiration. I'm sure you're humble but we really find comfort here in tinybuddha. 🙂 It reminds that we're all humans again, and there's so much more in life than to manifest all the negative thoughts.
Thanks and regards,
Ellpwhy
Hi Ellpwhy,
Thanks for the kind words. It brings me a lot of peace and joy to run this site, but what makes it all worthwhile is hearing that it makes a difference.
It sounds like you're dealing with this transition quite admirably. I'm glad that you have friends and family to lean on. I know from past experience how that can help when you're moving on from a relationship.
I have a lot of room for growth when it comes to dealing with loss and embracing impermanence; but I think it's easier knowing I'm part of a community of like-minded people. It reminds me that even if I feel alone, I'm not. None of us are. We really are all in this together =)
Lori
Hi Lori.
I've not known about tinybuddah.com for very long, but there are so many amazing things on here.
I split up with my partner a couple of weeks ago now. It wasn't a long relationship, but very intense and cut off in its prime with no prior warning. I feel lost and as try as I might, I simply cannot understand what happened, why it all imploded. I can't remember the last time I felt so low.
I'm trying to get over things and get on with my life, but its hard. It may take a while, but your articles, especially the one above, are helping me through this dreadful time.
Sorry I've rambled a bit. I just wanted to say thank you really.
Laura x
Hi Laura,
You're most welcome. I know that feeling of being lost and trying to understand where it all went wrong. I remember when my ex and I broke up, for a long time I felt like I lost a limb, like he had been a part of me. I just kept going over and over everything I did, didn't do or maybe should have done (or not done). It was difficult to move on because I felt powerless to my obsessing. Almost like I didn't have a choice.
In retrospect, I could have done a lot more to work through my feelings about that relationship, but sometimes we just have to learn in our own time.
I hope you have friends keeping your busy and that you're getting out and having fun. Although it's a cliche, time really does heal all wounds. I think we can influence the length of time, though, by surrounding ourselves with good friends and finding joy where we can.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend~
Lori
Hi Reecharrd,
My apologies for the slow response. I can relate to everything you wrote about leaning too heavily on someone else for happiness. I'm glad you found this post helpful, and I hope you are feeling at ease with your new circumstances. With your self awareness and positive mindset, I am sure in the right time you will be in a wonderful relationship =)
Lori
[…] Let Go of an Old Relationship […]
[…] turned you into a version of yourself that you’re no longer comfortable with. In a post about letting go of past relationships, Lori at Tiny Buddha talked about this idea of re-connecting with you were outside of the […]
[…] How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Tips to Move on Peacefully […]
Hi Lori,
This post has been extremely helpful mentally and I plan to focus on getting over what happend with my ex with the advice you have given.
This prior relationship I had been in was completely perfect in my eyes. I was a modern Prince Charming. My imperfections were perfect (if you can understand that). We spent all summer together; every hour of every day. Summer love deal thinking about it now. I was so confident in her and myself and where we were going that I never in a moment would even consider the possibility of breaking up. Then school started and everything was well. One day about two weeks into school she completely transformed and was dull the entire day from staying up all night (very suspicious). Very weird but I just gave her space. She came over later that day and explained to me that she felt like she couldn’t give me her entire heart because somebody else has it (her ex). Also I might add the day prior to that we had laid in my bed for 6 hours loving each other and completely loving and living in the moment. She could hardly leave my arms when she had to go home. Which makes the next day very weird and completely suspicious. Although hurt I comforted her and she cried on my shoulder while I told her she is still one of my best friends and to never hesitate to come to me with anything. As days went by I became completely depressed and whether then crying over what I should of or could of I felt betrayed. “How can I trust someone after what happened” I kept asking myself. Complete shock.
I am trying to get over things and move on but the urge to date isnt high. The urge to do anything actually is pretty low.
I have friends and family to lean on and I completely believe and understand time heals pain.
Thank you for providing this post and thank you for reading if you have. Feels better to write all of this of my chest.
Thank you again I deeply appreciate it.
Really inspiring and i’m going to try and do what you say!
“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh There’s only one woman that has ever come close to making me feel free at heart all while wishing she would be the one to guide my heart as her own. She’s recently put up a fence and I miss her like crazy. I know it’s hard to understand, I don’t understand it myself…but I sure would like to spend the rest of my life just enjoying her…her laugh, her smile, her touch, her love. I may not know what love really is, but I sure would like to spend some time with her….my only fear is that once I was able to spend time with her that it would pass too quickly and I would be an old man, all wrinkled and smiling at the precious time I was fortunate enough to spend with this amazing woman. If only…
Hi RT~ I can understand how it must feel to stand in your shoes. When I lost my first love, I felt certain my heart would never feel so open. I don’t know if this is universally true for everyone, but for me, it turned out what I missed wasn’t specifically him but the way I opened my heart around him. It took me almost a decade to fully do it again because I didn’t feel trusting or ready. But in hindsight, I can say miraculous things can happen when you believe they are possible. I hope you that you open yourself up to another relationship that makes you feel equally free. ~Lori
I love you and thank you….
Hey. This article is really wonderful and helpful. Thank you. I am 22 and just went through a break up with my first love of 3 years. I really connect with your story of your first relationship, except that I was the boyfriend holding up my girlfriend. I definitely played all of those roles that you listed and really just gave my all to encourage and support her in her struggles and insecurities. The sad thing is that she broke up with me out of no where. I know now that the relationship was unhealthy, especially in regard to my needs, but I feel so shocked and confused that the person I loved with all my heart and to the best of my ability could just change and proceed to leave me without any substantial explanation or care for my feelings, especially with how much I gave. I am trying to let go and this article really helps. I love her and care for her greatly, but I know that she needs to move on and grow up in her own life more and really learn to love herself. I really love #8 above. Holding on is definitely torturous and I realize that my spinning thoughts that pretend to be solving the mysteries of my heart are really just me holding onto to her, the pain, and the loss in the hope that I could fix what was wrong and have a wonderful and healthy relationship with her. I am where I am though now and I would love to be at peace and I am sure that this article will continue to help me find that. Letting go is love. Letting go is for her and for me. Thank you so much for this very encouraging and thoughtful article. I appreciate it very much. Take care.
Hey. This article is really wonderful and helpful. Thank you. I am 22 and just went through a break up with my first love of 3 years. I really connect with your story of your first relationship, except that I was the boyfriend holding up my girlfriend. I definitely played all of those roles that you listed and really just gave my all to encourage and support her in her struggles and insecurities. The sad thing is that she broke up with me out of no where. I know now that the relationship was unhealthy, especially in regard to my needs, but I feel so shocked and confused that the person I loved with all my heart and to the best of my ability could just change and proceed to leave me without any substantial explanation or care for my feelings, especially with how much I gave. I am trying to let go and this article really helps. I love her and care for her greatly, but I know that she needs to move on and grow up in her own life more and really learn to love herself. I really love #8 above. Holding on is definitely torturous and I realize that my spinning thoughts that pretend to be solving the mysteries of my heart are really just me holding onto to her, the pain, and the loss in the hope that I could fix what was wrong and have a wonderful and healthy relationship with her. I am where I am though now and I would love to be at peace and I am sure that this article will continue to help me find that. Letting go is love. Letting go is for her and for me. Thank you so much for this very encouraging and thoughtful article. I appreciate it very much. Take care.
Hi Levy,
I’m so glad to hear this article helped you with letting go. It’s something I work at all the time, in every area of my life, because instinctively, it feels safer to hold on. I do think, however, it gets easier with time and practice, as everything does.
Wishing you well,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I had a friend exactly like that. We shared the same disease. I had to walk away. I felt she was dragging me backwards and soaking me in all possible despair and negativity. For some time I felt sorry for not being able to help her. I was healing and she wasn’t. I sincerely wanted her to be well.
I know now that her attitude towards life was probably the cause of the disease, and that negative behavior was part of that what kept her ill. I never stood a chance to help. But I learned how to recognize my boundaries and keep myself safe. Thanks for this post.
Thanks Fabisfabiana. I think that’s the most important thing–setting boundaries and staying safe. I work on that all the time, and I’m learning it gets easier as I go.
Beautiful!
Beautiful post!
Hi Lori-
I know this is a truly old article, but it seems very pertinent to me. I just broke up with a boy who wasn’t treating me as I wanted to be treated. We both had spoken of getting married, despite being still in college. We’ve known each other for over a decade, but only dated for the past two years, so we have a massive history of friendship behind our love. We recently began talking again, and I feel as if I have forgiven him… but I am still in love with him. Do you think that giving a relationship a second chance is ever a good idea?
Hi Ali,
I think it’s different for different people. I’ve known some people who came back to each other only to separate for the same reasons they did initially, and other people who started over with a completely new relationship. If you’ve talked about what didn’t work the first time and are both on the same page, then there’s no reason you couldn’t give it another shot.
Or course, I’d be curious to know if perhaps it’s challenging to consider moving on because of your history. I’d say that’s the big question here: Do you really want to be back with him? Or is it just the familiarity/comfort aspect? (I’m not looking for an answer–just putting that out there for you to consider.)
I hope this helps a little!
Lori
[…] me, I Stumbled upon a great article pertaining to this same issue. It is entitled, How to Let Go of a Past Relationship. It quotes Thich Nhat Hanh that, “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount […]
This is exactly what I needed to read. My problem is letting go of a 12 year friendship that became more and didn’t work with a man that I truly love to my core. My insecurities and fear were not letting me let go so that we could both truly be happy. It’s what I want not only for him but for myself also. I may not find a love that was like what we had… but I will find a love one day that is what I deserve.
Thank you so much for this post ….. it has saved me.
Hi Lynn,
You are most welcome. I know how difficult it can be to let go, and I’m so glad this post helped you in this process.
Your are in my thoughts!
Lori
Ooooohhhh….you are speaking to me, about me. I have really been struggling with letting go of a relationship. I could relate to the distinction you make between letting go of the man and letting go of the relationship. It is a struggle. I am saving your post so that I can revisit it when I feel myself losing track again. Thanks for sharing your journey, and your lessons.
You are most welcome. I’m glad you found this post helpful!
Lori
Wow, I have to admit Lori, the situation you described (at the time) and mine (currently) describe is almost identical to what has been going on with me the last 7-8 years.
I had a serious girlfriend throughout college (and biggest supporter…funny how you take those things for granted at 22) . I let her go in the most immature and dumbest decisions in my life. From 23-27, I’ve been dealing with a lot of regrets, with a lot of casual dating that mostly go nowhere or create relationships that never stay in the air too long.
I’m pretty sure alot of it is because of all the regret and shame I harbor, and the fact that I haven’t forgiven myself (or know how to…I wish it was as easy as just saying “I forgive me”) has dragged me down and brought all types of insecurities to the forefront of my conscious and subconscious.
I’m really going to try to follow your 10 suggested steps, and I really hope these ideas can finally stick and I can finally move on and stop revisiting the past every day that passes. Thanks
Blake,
I know all about taking someone for granted, and also about harboring shame. I think it’s fantastic that you’re working toward forgiving yourself. I’ve learned that it isn’t a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. It’s something that manifests in ongoing choices, and it’s something I still work at.
I think all of us have things that we need to forgive ourselves for. It helps me to remember that at any time, I was doing the best that I could given my challenges and where I was at. It doesn’t condone bad decisions I made, but it reminds that I’m only human, and I deserve love, not self judgment.
I’m so glad this post was helpful to you!
Lori
Touched my heart! After 11 years together and 10 months apart! Life is surreal! I am lost!
I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up. How long has it been? Have you been surrounding yourself with friends? I hope that you have people around to support you. I’m sure this is a challenging time.
Thank you for posting this! I have printed this out and place this in a place where I can read it every night before I go to sleep. My heart was broken 7 months ago by a girl I truly fell in love with. The past few months have been a huge roller coaster ride for me. It is extremely difficult for me because this girl was THE FIRST girl I ever fell in love with. She found someone else soon after leaving me. They are not together anymore, but the pain and the memories are still with me. Thank you Lori for posting this. This has helped me relax when it is time to sleep. Thank you.
You are most welcome. I know that feeling of not being able to sleep at night, and I am so glad that this post provided you with a little peace!
[…] have been heart-broken far longer than I think anyone should ever be. When my relationship ended, like a rock star, I blazed through the “mourning period” and bypassed the “become a new […]
Hi tis ia ANU. actually my ex and i broke up a week before after a 3 years love.
i dunno how am going to live.we had a healthy relationship and now itz all gone. my dad found dat am in love with him and made it a big issue he went to police station and gave a complaint about my Ex.
i know how bad my ex felt.my dad took a promise dat i shudnt speak with him any more. am completely heart broken.i have ma semester examz goin on i cudnt concentrate on anything.
i love him so much than anything. but now hez no more in my life. am crying each and every second but ma parents are very happy now.evn he is thinkn reason that am the reason for all this issue,wat can i do he hates me now .but i have little confidence dat i can live after reading this post. thank you so much.
Hi Anu,
I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up. I know how difficult they can be. It sounds like there’s a lot more to this than what you’ve written, so it’s hard to really comment on the situation. Please just know that you are not alone, and the pain will go away. It always goes away with time. If you are struggling, I hope you will reach out to someone for help. Your family cares about you, and even if it doesn’t seem that way, they have your best interests at heart.
Much love,
Lori
Lori, any advice on how to stop suffering? My husband broke up with me after 17 years of marriage about a week ago. A couple of days ago I found him on a dating website, which he registered for a long time back, saying “I want to meet a girl 25-30 years old”. I am 33. I am so angry with him but at the same time want him more than anything. Can’t work, can’t eat, can’t sleep, cry all the time. Thank God for the private office or I would lose my job too 🙂 He told me he wants to break off while he is still young and has time to find a young woman who would give him 2 kids. Not to mention we have a child and we thinking about having another soon. My life is broken.