“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron
Recently I got into a hypothetical conversation with someone who very quickly turned hostile and accusatory. Let’s call her Jane. My first instinct was to get defensive, but then I realized this subject was quite raw for Jane, and there was likely something going on below the surface.
Usually when people are combative seemingly without cause, there’s some underlying pain fueling it.
As we got to the root of things, I learned that Jane was holding onto anger toward someone she once loved, and she felt a strong, driving need to convince people that this other person was wrong.
Since she acknowledged that she’d been feeling depressed, lonely, and helpless, I felt obligated to at least try to help her see things from a different perspective. But that ultimately proved futile.
She was committed to being angry and hurt, and all she wanted from me was validation that she was justified.
I kept thinking back to how I felt at eighteen years old, reliving scenes of adolescent abuse that I refused to let go of well into my twenties. I spent years stewing in anger because I felt like a victim, and any threat to that comforting sense of righteousness only made me angrier.
Remembering how badly and unnecessarily I hurt myself, it felt imperative that I help her let go. I wanted to help her get out of her own way. I wanted her to do what I had failed to do for far too long.
Seeing that stubborn, bitter commitment to pain reminded me of how angry I was with myself when I realized I’d hurt myself far worse than anyone else—and how ashamed I felt when I realized I enjoyed being a victim, receiving pity, attention, and (what felt like) love.
Suddenly I recognized that I wasn’t just trying to help Jane; I was also judging my former self.
That internal conflict—those confused feelings and mixed motivations—would make it really difficult to offer the type of unbiased, loving support that would allow her to form her own insights if, in fact, she was ready to form them.
Very rarely do people open up to genuine help when they feel like someone is looking down on them or projecting onto them. None of us want to feel judged, misunderstood, or coerced into believing something when we’re not ready.
So what do we want? What is it that helps people create change when they’re struggling and resistant to help?
Since I have been on both sides of the table—and I have felt equally powerless on both—I decided to ask the Tiny Buddha Facebook community, “How do you help someone who won’t help themselves?”
Some of the answers that resonated with me include:
1. First, check yourself. Do they really need help, or are you pushing some agenda subconsciously or otherwise? Second, let them know you’re there. Third, give them an example to follow. ~Carl B Salazar
2. People have to come to where they need to be to get their lessons. You can’t help someone who is not willing. But you can love them through it. Send light and love and hold them in your heart space. I had to hit my own bottom and dead end to turn around and climb back up…when I was ready and willing. ~Karen Blake
3. We can stop judging people, assuming that they are not helping themselves. Perhaps the helplessness is the sign of their being out of their comfort zone. If we want to help, we can do some positive things like: Give some encouragement or discuss the situation with them and let their own intuition discover the best way to help themselves. ~Santosh Nag
4. Examine your attachment to their choices. Their challenges and choices are their life lessons, not yours. Is your wanting to help them saying something about you that you need to learn? ~Susan McCourt
5. You can help them by just being there and being supportive. You can still plant seeds. Most minds are so conditioned it is almost impossible to shed any light on their world. So just smile, nod, suggest, and if it does not help then move on with no regret because you tried. ~Skip Blankley
6. Don’t enable them. Put the tools in their hands to help themselves, show them how to use them, step back, and be there when they trip. Love them when they fall. Repeat repeatedly. ~Crystal Boudreau
7. You can’t make people be what you want them to be and you can’t decide what is best for them. You can only choose for yourself. There is a huge difference between can’t and won’t. Can’t might be open to help. Won’t can’t be your problem. The best thing is won’t might not always be won’t. Hope for that. ~ Melodee Luka Kardash
8. Love them until they learn to love themselves. ~ Amber Weinacht
9. Stop trying to make them live as you think they should…How others live is not for us to control, but to learn from. ~ Crystal Sverdsten
10. Let go. They have to help themselves and accept responsibility. ~Viengxay Jimenez
11. Their path is not yours to blaze, and who’s to say they’re not exactly where they need to be at this very moment? ~Fiona Berger Maione
12. Focus on your own well being (boundaries) so that you can provide stable support when they ask for help. Allow them their process no matter how difficult it is to watch. It is neither our right or responsibility to manipulate their journey. ~Robyn Williams
13. People who won’t help themselves usually don’t trust others or themselves. Until they do, help them along by being a friend, but don’t engage in crazy behavior with them. ~Jerelyn Allen
14. How do we know, when we’re in our own little egos, that that person isn’t already doing their work? Sometimes, “helping” someone, means leaving them alone…sometimes, you help just by being yourself and healing your stuff so that others can see the change and know that it’s possible. The best way I’ve found to help others is to try and be as authentic as I possibly can. The rest, well, is just none of my business. ~Amy Scott
15. Don’t turn your back on them. Just accept them for who they are, flaws and all, then decide for yourself if it is worth it to you. If it is, patience is a virtue. If not, then keep a hand out but watch out for yourself as well. No need for two people who won’t help themselves. ~April Spears
16. Support is important. Talk to your friends don’t leave them when they go through hard times, you’ll need them when you’re going through a hard time. ~Rosemin Bhanji
17. Help them see how their actions impact others (children, spouse or parents). ~Eloise Cabral
18. Open the door. They’ll walk through it when they’re ready. ~Devon Palmer
19. Be a role model. Show them what life is like when you cultivate and cherish the self. ~Steven Lu
20. Stay strong! Use your strength to combat their weakness. It takes time. ~Laurie Stahl Sturgeon
I ended up telling Jane exactly what was going on in my mind—how I’d clung to unfairness for years and missed out on a lot of life in the process. I acknowledged that she is a different person. I then told her that I make no assumptions or judgments about what’s going on with her and what’s right for her, but I’m here if she wants to talk.
I’d like to think that in owning my own stuff I may have inspired her to do the same. Sometimes all we can do to help other people is continue to help ourselves.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I love what you say about pain here. When I was depressed, I do remember saying in my head, “I’m really upset, so this is how I’m going to act,” which just pushes you down further. It feels like you’re sitting back and doing nothing about some injustice though, as if you have to show the world you’re in pain so that everyone knows what’s been done to you.
It’s so hard to get out of your own way but I don’t think any of us can really help those who aren’t ready for it or just don’t want it. All the things I’ve learned in my life I had to learn in my own time and in my own way. It’s too bad because being stubborn like that will ruin relationships.
This is so timely, thank you so much for posting!
I needed to read something like that. Thank you!
Yes that’s exactly how I felt! I found every possible excuse to resist letting go. It wasn’t until I decided that I didn’t want to hurt that I stop hurting. It sounds so simple, but I think a lot of us get attached to our pain and drama.
I think you’re right there. We all need to form our own insights. One thing that’s been hard for me to accept, but ultimately liberating, is that some people may never form certain insights, but I don’t need to carry that around, as if I could have done more than I did. Once we’ve done all we can do, that’s all we can do.
You’re most welcome!
I’m glad you found it helpful!
What @google-4e45e44c1658589352e75ce8ac917c5f:disqus said.
This is brilliant – what a wonderful community you have, and insightful too!
I always feel like I need to tell my brother not to ass around and be a bum like I did, but I know at the same time I can’t make him change, he has to want to change himself. I realized a while back that it was just me projecting my fears onto him. He’s so obstinate anyway, it would be like trying to reason with a brick wall ^_^ Best to let him find his own way, and just be there if he needs me!
I did a happy dance once I saw my advice up on the list…#19!! Thank you Lori for putting up my answer on your list. I’m glad it resonated with you and I hope it resonates with the readers. Once you cultivate yourself, you experience a form of happiness and know what it takes to get to that feeling. Experience is the voice in tough times =)
“There is a voice we should more often listen to—a voice we know in our hearts offers sage advice that can help us through dark times. It is the voice of experience.” -Tim Carpenter-
All the comments were excellent. It’s time we stop faulting others and ourselves and start tuning in with compassion. Blessings to all.
This is a subject close to my heart, because while I have been in the position of trying to help others, I have also had some close to me try to “help” me when I was in a really stuck place. It wasn’t at all that I wasn’t willing to help myself… the people trying to help were very judgemental and forceful and not giving me the kind of support I needed. One friend in particular was really upset with my “negative attitude”, and the fact that I usually didn’t want to talk about what I was going through (A) I wasn’t ready to talk about it, because it was so raw and B) she was so judgemental that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her). Her “help” was pretty damaging to me because I was so sensitive at the time and already in so much pain. She ended up sending me a really nasty email about how I was ruining my life and friendships by not letting people help me, and she still to this day mentions how “understanding” she was when I didn’t want to talk, which just shows you how different her perception of the whole situation is! Anyway, I didn’t let it ruin our friendship but it could’ve… the lesson I came out of it with is that A) I should never assume I know how to “help” someone, and the best I can do is be there for them and offer my support, and ask if there’s anything I can do and leave it at that.
I think we each bring so much of our own baggage into these situations that it’s just best to try and take the most low-key option possible and let the person find their own way with our quiet support. At least that’s my take on it after my recent experience. I think we all want so badly to “solve” other people’s problems and help them avoid pain and that’s just not possible in most cases. “The only way out is to go through”, and I truly believe that.
Thanks for another great piece! I wish everyone had to read these–the world would be a much more compassionate place. 🙂
Thank you. I have a friend of 40 years who is currently unable to help himself. He clings to his anger and thoughts. I have been unable to help him, and have been somewhat aware that not only was I unable to do so, but that my own dualistic sidetrips have been blocking me from just being present. Guess I’m the one being taught.
I HAVE MS AND AM IN A W/C MOST OF THE TIME. I CAN’T DO A LOT OF HOUSEHOLD TASKS I USED TO DO. MY HUSBAND IS MY CARETAKER AND HAS TAKEN ON EXTRA DUTIES . HE WON’T ACCE4PT CAREGIVER5 SUPPOR HELP THAT I SUGGEST. WHAT DO I DO? ANSWER ME IN A MESSAGE
In my own experiences I have learned to set boundaries when dealing with an angry or very negative person for my self first. Often times it is best to love from afar, yet definitely still…LOVE. I cannot help a drowning man in heavy seas and high waves when I too am at the risk of drowning if I try to engage him at his particular “location.”
Love, love, love this post.
This is a difficult lesson to learn and apply through life.
The reality of life is that while we are so
similar we live in our own world in time.
Delivery of the right message at the right time is truly an art that
must be founded in compassion.
This type
of conversation is so great to see and reminds me of how I need to
practice.
One standard of Buddhist practice that I think can help us
in this situation being constructive to people who are in a tough spot is the right
speech. Before you speak take the time
to reflect: Is it true? Is it kind?
Is it useful? Is it timely? Does this bring people together? (Concord)
There is a great audio talk on this by Gil Fronsdal:
http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/2291.html
Having the patience to wait for a person to come to the
point where the message is received is another talent all together.
Thank you to everyone who has posted!
Lance
Love, love, love this post. This is a difficult lesson to learn and
apply through life. The reality of life is that while we are so similar
yet we live in our own world in time. Delivery of the right message
at the right time is truly an art that must be founded in compassion.
This type of conversation is so great to see and reminds me of how I
need to practice.
One standard of Buddhist practice that I think can help us in this
situation being constructive to people who are in a tough spot is
right speech. Before you speak take the time to reflect:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it useful?
Is it timely?
Does this bring people together? (Concord)
There is a great audio talk on this by Gil Fronsdal:
http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/2291.html
Having the patience to wait for a person to come to the point
where the message is received is another talent all together.
Thank you to everyone who has posted!
Lance
I could relate to what you wrote in a big way. I think we’ve been programmed to some extent to rush past uncomfortable feelings in favor of being positive. Sometimes people on the outside can’t see that someone is actually in their process, even if it’s a messy, negative stage, and they’ll move past it when they’re ready.
Of course there have been times in my life when pushes from other people have helped, but it’s never been from people who have badgered and judged me. Ultimately, we all need space to form conclusions on our own–I know it’s been true for me!
That’s such a wonderful analogy. I have learned the same thing about boundaries–that I can’t always help someone who is committed to drowning in pain and negativity, but I can minimize occasions where I enable that.
Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s going on. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to know you need extra help and feel that your husband won’t hear and honor that. I’m not sure what type of advice I can offer given that there’s so much I don’t know about your situation. Is there a neutral third party who may be able to moderate a conversation between you and your husband (a friend or family member)? It might help to have someone help you fully hear each others’ concerns and form a conclusion together.
I hope this helps somewhat. You are in my thoughts!
Lori
I suspect we are always the ones being taught. Every time I think I am saving someone else, I realize there’s somewhere within myself that needs to be healed.
Thank you for responding and being part of this post! I love your suggestion about cultivating and cherishing the self. Beautiful. =)
Thanks William! I am always inspired by the many wise, heartfelt suggestions people share on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page. It sounds like you’ve reached a smart conclusion about your brother. I’ve tread a similar path with someone in my family. And I’ve realized lately that she has been making tons of progress in her own way. It may not look like what I expected it should based on my own experiences, but it’s definitely more than I’ve often given her credit for.
You’re most welcome (and same to you @twitter-16206743:disqus ) =)
Fantastic post! I especially like #9-Don’t make them live as you think they should. I think a lot of us try so hard to fit in, sometimes we don’t even know what is best for our authentic self. I have been trying to personally explore that concept of how I should live a life that is best for me and no one else. I find it to be challenging to find out what my own expectations are. Worrying about other people just makes the journey more complicated.
I know what you mean! Sometimes it seems so tempting to compare myself to other people, even if I don’t actually want what they have. I’ve also been focusing solely on what is right for me, and trying to extend that same respect to other people. I think the world would be a happier, more peaceful place if we all did this.
Loved this post, as I was in this situation recently and initially I tried to force my feelings and ways on my friend. She refused the help every step of the way, so I finally got the hint and left her alone, thinking she’d reach out to me when she needed my help or support. It turns out, she ended up leaving our friendship completely, which also said a lot about our relationship. I tried to keep the lines of communication open and still keep in contact, but our relationship became strained and very “acquaintance” like, so in the end I just had to let go, and wish her the best.
I’ve been in that situation myself, as well. I think if someone was willing to walk away, it’s generally for the best that they did. It sounds like you were a wonderful friend to her. =)
Helpful post Lori! thanks for the share.
A great list…I think #5 is an important one…. ‘
You can help them by just being there and being supportive’ Oftentimes just listening when someone tells what is troubling them is very comforting. For some just being able to say out loud what they are feeling – without being interrupted or having their feelings commented on or judged – is a revelation for them. They are not only able to externalise what might have been swirling around in their heads for ages but very often it is the first time they actually hear their feeling put into words. By just listening and supporting them as they speak they ‘hear’ their own story and can move forward
I absolutely love this post and the comments, too. I was recently in a fantastic relationship with someone who entered a dark place because of her anger towards her father and her ex husband. I did everything I could to support her and be there for her, but she pushed me away. I was confused and hurt and couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. #13 screamed at me, and #10 and #11 resonate, too. I pray for her every day, and that’s all I can do, isn’t it? Thank you.
Thanks for adding this Buddhist practice, Lance. It’s wonderful advice!
@c4cf72a2547d81e8ca2abd0b6694364c:disqus such a perfect analogy! I have had friendships in the past where the individual has been so unwilling to change themselves, but instead wanted everyone else to drown with them. It was the portrayal of “misery loves company” in its truest form. Unfortunately, these relationships can become more harmful than loving, and I have learned to generally stick to #10 and #18 above.
much love and apreciation for you!
Right back at ya =)
When talking to others who ask for help or guidance, I always try to share ONLY my experience strength and hope. Similar situations that I have been in, what I tried to do and the outcome of it. This way they can make a decision for themselves on how they want to handle it. I also tryto remember the acronym THINK… Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Nice and Kind…. if its not those things, then I don’t say them.
I love that acronym! I hadn’t heard it before. Thank you for sharing it here. =)
[…] You don’t want to give up on someone you love if you can make a positive difference in their life; but sometimes you need to let go and let them learn their own lessons. […]
Yes, That SEEMS like the case for some people. If there is no drama or something going terribly bad, they feel nothing at all. At least misery is a feeling.
I don’t understand how to turn someone around, to make them realize it’s THEM making themselves unhappy. We can’t control everything in our lives, but the things we can we should take responsibility for. We are responsible for our own happiness.
I don’t know if we can turn someone around. More of than not, they just need to learn the lessons in their own time.
[…] Masters degree to know myself more and understand the makings of my own psychology. I was able to help others and learn more about […]
Wow! Well said, well formed, and well written. These were exactly the words I needed not only for my situation today but I am slowly realizing in a lot of other areas in my life. I got in a fight w/ my Mom (who was non-existent most my life) over her hoarding obsession. I original came to help her clean because of the trouble she has breathing when she moves things or gets too excited. (She has Emphysema and chronic lung disorder). We ended up going at eachother’s throats and she went off on a tangent about the past and family. She just wigged out and everytime I was trying to clean she was my shadow right behind me checking. The argument got so escalated it was sad because if she continues she won’t have much of a home or a lifestyle for her sicknesses. I just wanted her to be around to see me get married and to be the Grandmother to my children.
Our argument got so bad I couldn’t help her, she had to learn to help herself. Amongst many other of your statements.
I’m thinking about sharing your words on my blog and sharing your blog w/ my readers, would that be alright?
Thank you and enjoy your day,
Love Katie
I’m so glad this was helpful to you, and absolutely, feel free to share this on your blog!
It’s very hard to help someone who either doesn’t want help or doesn’t realize they really need help. The key is perseverance and to never say never. Don’t give up on someone who seems hopeless. With faith all things are possible.
What does one does one do with someone who truly won’t help themselves–who squanders every bit of assistance they receive, and then resents the people who offered help? I knew someone like this a long time ago, That person was also friend. I just got tired of listening to the blaming and the deflecting. It was always someone else’s fault she couldn’t get it together. My friend was super bright and very well educated. Able bodied and attractive. What is a good person’s obligation to someone like that? I tried to be a good listener. I tried to be nonjudgmental and encouraging. I finally just got fed up and tired of this individual’s depressing, lazy outlook. I finally cut the line and let the friendship float away. I really believe I was the last friend this person had in the world. I have always felt badly about my decision to cut loose from what I finally decided was a toxic, one-way relationship. I never really addressed my dissatisfactions in a candid conversation with this person. By the time I ended the relationship, I guess I really just didn’t care any more.
It sounds like you did all you could, and then ultimately did what you needed to do to take care of yourself. I think really that’s the best we can do. I also think that sometimes when we lose a friend and support, it serves as a wake up call. That happened for me years back, and it was one the best things that could have happened.
I didn’t read the post but had more of a question do u know anything about shadows and demon faces i kinda feel like this demon face when i close my eyes i see is a mask. I see it after my depression or crying but at the same time it kinda resembles someones face. If you look at the disturbed band the demon face it looks similar to that. the first time i saw it come to me it came as a darker energy but as i progressed and got thrown off my spiritual path it just staid but the energy faded.
Unfortunately, I don’t have much experience with this. Is this something you visualize because you’re feeling down? I know I visualize all kinds of things that coincide with my moods…
It seems particularly relevant to me that the blog was first written when I started seeing someone and now end up needing to find guidance from it now. So many comments resonate and I’m now feeling much more positive as a result of reading them. I hope I can be of more help to this person now in which ever way they need. Thanks everyone.