“No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
I met him the last semester of college and was instantly attracted to him. I was definitely attracted to him physically, but it was the way he sat in class with such quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know him.
I practically drooled all over my desk whenever he spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.” One night out, I saw him standing by the bar. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. Needless to say, I chose the first option.
I don’t remember what was said when I approached him, and in the grand scheme of things I guess it’s irrelevant. We spent the entire evening together. He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced.
His affinity for Vanilla Ice notwithstanding, I fell in love with him that night.
We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.
Recently, I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for him. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating. Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.
Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.
Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.
Embrace the feelings.
Breaking up with someone can feel like a major loss. It’s crucial to give yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship; however, it’s important to remember that everyone mourns differently. Some people cry, get angry, lash out, become sad, or deny that the relationship is really over. If you’re anything like me, you’re likely to feel all of these emotions at once.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. My therapist calls this a tendency to “double bad.” You experience a negative emotion (sadness) and then make yourself feel even worse for experiencing it (guilt). We often think that we should be handling a break up better than we are. We tell ourselves things like “I should be over her by now,” or “I should be handling this better,” or “I shouldn’t let this get to me.”
But, in actuality there is no “right” way to get over somebody. Despite the numerous manuals and self-help books that have been written on this topic, the only real way to deal with a breakup is…to deal with the breakup.
Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it.
Stay present.
Instead of dealing with the current state of the relationship, we sometimes tend to keep replaying the past, looking for answers that can’t always be found, or mentally create future situations that allow us to (temporarily) escape the pain.
Depending on my mood, I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).
However, focusing on the past and future forces us to stay stuck in an endless loop of pain and confusion, and prolongs the healing process. Stay present in the moment and allow the emotional wounds to heal naturally.
Learn love’s lesson.
Even though it’s difficult to accept that the relationship has ended, I have still gained invaluable information from the experience that I may not have received otherwise. I am better able to recognize what I need in a relationship and to communicate those needs to others. Also, I’ve found the courage to face some of the issues that floated to the surface in the process of opening myself up to another person.
Yes, sometimes the lessons hurt—and like hell. But learning is an important part of the healing process. No relationship, no matter how negative it may seem, can be considered a “failure” if you have grown as a result of the experience.
If you’re open to it, each relationship offers the potential for spiritual growth and evolution. Rest in the knowledge that while you’re learning love’s lessons in preparation for your future mate, he or she is being prepared for you, too.
Photo by CarbonNYC.
About Alana Mbanza
Alana Mbanza is a freelance writer and the author of LoveSick: Learning to Love and Let Go. Even more than a writer, she strives to be an active agent of creation, choosing to see and create life through the lens of love. Visit her website for more information about her freelance writing and coaching services.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Great read! I had a hard time getting through my last break up and I often cycled through a plethora of emotions. And you’re right, the only way to get through it is to let yourself feel it and not be critical of yourself. I struggled with this aspect and I thik it only prolonged some of the sad feelings I had. Great advice to take away!
Thank you for your comment!
It’s funny but not only are people brought into your life for reasons to see who you are or what your made of but so are words. People in general go back into relationships that we know are not good for us because we haven’t gained enough information to leave yet. I am 4 months broken up and although this is hard…he ended up sleeping with a friend of mine who he is currently still in a relationship with. The lessons I have learned with not only the loves we bring into our lives but the the company we keep as friends in invaluable…
Rubbish
Who is this author, she’s real. That’s exactly how it is with the breakup. But I always remember its the experience of love that is exciting for our own life. And she will always have that experience for the best.
You’re exactly right. Even though break ups hurt, the experience of love is so rewarding. Thank you for your comment!
Alana, thanks for the well-writte, informative article, we all go through breakups and it is good to know there isn’t a right way to deal with it. Keep putting out articles, I’m proud of your success! 🙂
Thank you!
I am absolutely floored! I enjoyed each moment of this piece. You writes as if your life depended on it. The words are woven together life a perfect quilt and engulfs the reader with warmth, depth and completeness. Amazing and I am anticipating the next article.
What an amazing comment, thank you!
What a great piece. Much of your experience mirrors mine from a recent relationship. Almost a year later, I’m still dealing with some of it – and that’s okay. Everything in its time. Thanks for the words. Peace.
Thank you Carl. I still have my moments of sadness but it gets easier, I promise!
What a great piece. Much of your experience mirrors mine from a recent relationship. Almost a year later, I’m still dealing with some of it – and that’s okay. Everything in its time. Thanks for the words. Peace.
Hi Alana – it’s very ironic that this post was showing in the top window when I came to Tiny Buddha today. I’m in a very difficult time in my relationship at the moment – you know, where it basically sinks or swims. How I would get through a break up has crossed my mind many times recently, and your guidance is extremely relevant and helpful!
Staying present is something I’m focusing on more and more and I can imagine so important when moving through a break-up.
Thanks for the wise words!
Thanks for your comment, Amanda. It’s truly amazing how what we need always manifests exactly when we need it. When I was going through my breakup, I stumbled across a “break up handbook” in a bookstore that was going out of business and had less than 50 books left! Random right? It didn’t really tell me anything new but there was something about the timing that really gave me peace. I’m glad my blog was timely and relevant for you.
Basically, girl, if you’re questioning whether to stay or leave, that means leave.
Dump him, move on, and you create the space for the better man who is coming. Nature abhors a vacuum. Empty the space (dump him) and nature will quickly fill it. Just have your eyes wide open and check the next guy out thoroughly this time. I wish you hugs, light, laughter and love.
Signed,
I Dumped Him Last Night 🙂
” imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).”
I seriously can’t stop thinking this. When my sleepless nights are overpowered by exhaustion, I am usually awakened with tears. And there is no longer anyone there to offer comfort. This is the hardest time I can remember and so empty.
Chris,
On the nights that I couldn’t sleep, the thing that helped me the most was writing about the break up. Sometimes, it would be as simple as “I hate you” or “I love you.” Sometimes, it was imaginary conversations that I wanted to have with him. The point was to stop the repetitive thoughts and get them out of my head. Seeing them on paper made them less threatening and gave me some sort of peace. This practice might be helpful for you as well. Take care.
i agree with this one. i have imaginary conversations in the car so that i don’t have to call him. i imagine him answering back to it the way i’d see him answer it… it helps me let go of things. i know it sounds crazy to some but really, this helped me a lot. i never called or texted him since the break up and i don’t want to so the imaginary conversations are my substitutes. it’s been 2 months already and i feel 95% healed already. yoga has been helping too.
HUH.. I’m trying to get over the one 1 love since 3.5 years n don’t u think I’ve tried all this.. ofcourse i’ve.. but no this click thing is really dangerous.. u r rite no self help books can cure it.. it just goes eventually..
The pain does fade with time but sometimes we all need some extra tools in our tool belts to deal with these difficult experiences. I hope that things get better for you and thank you so much for your comment!
Thank you for posting this. Im going threw a hard break up and three months later im still thinking ‘what if’. Staying in the present has helped me but im still going threw all my emotions. Today especially has been hard realizing my other half is gone. Keep writing I really love your articles.
Hi Christina!
I’m glad this post came at a good time for you. I was amazed, when reading this, how much I could relate from break-ups I’ve been through in the past.
I’m not sure if you noticed, but the daily posts are actually all from different people. This is Alana’s first post on Tiny Buddha. Anyone can contribute a post to blog. If you’d like to read more, you can find the submissions guidelines here:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/get-featured/
Have a wonderful day!
Lori
My relationship with my girlfriend just ended recently and I have been dealing with these emotions. It’s been the first really hard test other than anger that I’ve had to deal with after deciding to look down the path that Buddha has shown me. My first response was, “Don’t be sad, stop it.” then anger, then depression, then denial, then anger again, then acceptance, then sadness, then fear. While feeling all of this I realized that it’s ok. It’s ok to feel these things as long as I don’t let them control me. I have been doing much better, while still sad, and constantly tested as she calls and wants to “hang out” around every corner making it harder I have nurtured my feelings and no longer feel as bad. I feel sad, of course, but I feel ok. And that means a lot. I really love what you’ve written here, and thank you for this article. 次回までは、友人
Hello Dante,
Thank you for your comment. I love that you said you’ve learned to embrace the feelings without letting them control you. I think that’s an extremely important distinction to make in dealing with a break up but also just in life in general. We are emotional beings so it’s natural to feel but becoming immobile because of those feelings is dangerous. I’m so glad that things are getting better for you and I really appreciate the comment!
This is precisely my biggest issue in life right now and at the sixth-month point after the break-up of a five-year-long, live-in relationship I’m still missing my ex as if we just broke up yesterday. The bit about “I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching
for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in
which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily
married” is exactly what I’m going through and even though I know all of the intellectual reasons we split up I’m still resolutely sure I’d love to have her back in a full relationship again if she’d be willing to try again. I have been heavily depressed and suicidal and still in as much pain now as on the day she moved out and I have no idea if I can actually pull out of this.
Hi Michael,
I often ask myself what I would say or do if my ex ever called and said he loved me and wanted to try the make our relationship. The rational part of me says “heck no!” without any hesitation but there’s another side that’s hopeful? in denial? delusional? Regardless, the fact is that both sides are perfectly natural parts of this experience. It’s OK for you to feel the way you’re feeling. I’m not saying forget the reasons you broke up but obviously there were some good aspects of the relationship that shouldn’t be denied either. Embrace all of the feelings; good or bad they all have equal merit. And, if it seems like you can’t get through it on your own there is absolutely no shame in seeking out additional help. Sometimes you just need an objective ear and a safe space to process things. Thanks for your comment. Peace and blessings!
I couldn’t have summed up my emotions any better if I had written this piece myself! I am currently riding the emotional ups and downs of a break up (three months after a five-year relationship). This really was therapeutic! I just want to say thank you!
Thank you, Brandon. I’m glad it was helpful!
How do you date for 5 years? If you didn’t know after a few months what kind of person you were with then that’s YOUR OWN FAULT.
I think this reaffirms my decision to be end my relationship. I have been debating going back to him…but I think God shows us paths to take and this sign speaks loudly.
Still, break ups suck.
I want to say thank you for this article. I’m going through a break up right now & ( I don’t want to believe it) I am desperately trying to hold on & scared of the pain . But this has brought me some peace by reading it. So I say thank you.
I always get your posts exactly at the right time. Thank you for this. I know I will refer to again and again during this time of loss for me.
I was feeling great until I looked at the comments section and the first comment has the same name as my ex-girlfriend… dangit!!! lol
I really resonated with the tendency to double bad. I
intellectually realize that I don’t need to bring on more suffering by
feeling badly or shameful about my own natural emotions. Thank you for bringing
out so many comforting and peaceful truths. I continue to reread this post to
remind myself of the possibilities of growth, and to remind myself that I am
not the only person that is going through a break up. It can be such an
isolated business, to carry shame, but ultimately isolation and shame are
more illusion than life. Thanks for a great piece.
How true is that. A breakup can be jump start for your own growth. I think after most of the pain subsides, you realize that the universe is giving you the lesson you needed, even if that wasn’t what you originally want it.
My ex bf and I broke up a year ago. He is still with the much younger female he allowed to come between us after 2 years of being together. Although I still deal with it at times, I finally had to accept that God or the Universe had me to go through this to give me the lessons that I needed. Most people that fall in love think the relationship is going to go somewhere NOT be a teaching tool or learning experience. So when it ends, the pain can be so deep felt that its nearly impossible to have a Ghandi like wise perspective about all of the lessons learned. But I have learned by example from many peoples lives this saying come true…..”Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone esle.” I say learn the lessons, your being prepared for the right person!
Thank you for the article, it fits with what I deal with at present. The most painful step for me was when I decided to clean up all the photos, cards, gifts and etc. She broke up with me on her birthday 🙁
I definitely agree with your post, give yourself a “sad period” is necessary. Listening to sad song, share the story with friends, it is legal even if you need to cry. In order to feel happy you have to know about sadness.
Time will heal
Spot on, especially the part about trying to figure out why it ended and the part about replaying past or future scenarious. Currently with a break-up that happened out of nowhere and yes it hurts like hell. This post was like a cold glass of water on a hot day. God bless in life and love.
I was in a similar situation too Eric, with a break that just ended so suddenly it just left me utter shock, but it’s been four months since then and I will tell you that the pain is nowhere as bad as it was initially. I still do have days where my mind wants to just dwell in it but staying in that sad zone is a lot shorter now than in the past. Now I’m slowly getting back to my old self and feel much stronger as a person because of this experience. 🙂
I really hope I get there! My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now. He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. I feel like im in a black hole and cannot get out. What should i do?
Hey KT,
I just got dumped Nov. 13th from someone I’ve dated for 16 months. Thankfully, a relationship that ended 12 years ago and put me through 18 months of therapy prepared me best for this recent break up. I look at healing like I do meditation practice. It’s practice. You do it every day. I see my ego going places and I call it out – “past” or “fantasy”. At this moment, not much is really happening so I focus on it. Yes, it’s revealing how boring each minute can be, but that’s the practice. So that you can slowly become adept at living more in the present. I am exercising patience. Feeling the pain when it comes and every day is a struggle to accept the reality. However, I know that it’s a long road and my mind/body will heal from this on its time, not mine. Good luck to you!
I love this article! I am going through a break right now, and I’ve been so confused see I also seem to go from one emotion to the next. Nice to see I’m not the only one. Your tips are also really helping me finally let go of him and move on from the relationship. Thank you!
thank you! ive been married for a year and will probly get divorced, im trying to stay together but hes the one hving doubts even tho the reason why we are separated was something he did. im not sure if should still have hope or get ready in case its really over. waiting for his answer is just killing me. i dont know if i should keep fighting for someone that isnt willing to apologize and cooperate on the relationship, feels like im deluding myself…
It hurts like hell. At times, it just makes me stay at a place without doing nothing the whole day.
Hi. I’m dealing with a breakup right now and it hurts so very badly. I feel like we were robbed of what should have been. I was robbed of the future I wanted and the love of my life and I miss him so much and that there must be some mistake. I feel like his reasons are wrong and then I feel rejected because it doesn’t matter if I agree with his reasons or not, the bottom line is he doesn’t want me or none of the reasons would matter. I’m not angry with him but I miss him and I love him still and it’s really awful having to accept something I think is wrong. Sometimes my body hurts so bad and I feel like if I were standing I would just fall down. It’s so hard.
Thank you for writing your article and thank you to the other commenters for posting your feelings.
Thank you for posting this. It’s like you’ve written down my exact thoughts and feelings. I’m somewhat comforted by the fact that you literally feel exactly the same as me.
This is exactly what I am going through right now too. It’s been 2 weeks since we broke up and I don’t feel any better about this at all and I don’t think it is the right decision. I’m trying to work to accept that this was his choice and I need to respect that and do my best to move on but I feel like he gave up on something that could have been wonderful if we had just given it a little bit more time. I love him and he was my best friend I miss him so much sometimes that I don’t know what to do. Heartbreak is one of the worst experiences. Thank you for posting this. I hope that things have gotten easier for you. I just keep trying to remember that nothing is permanent and eventually this hurt will end.
“I’m trying to work to accept that this was his choice and I need to
respect that and do my best to move on but I feel like he gave up on
something that could have been wonderful if we had just given it a
little bit more time.”
Sums up what I’m feeling right now. We were together for over 6 years, my mom passed away, and then I told him I wanted to break for a while. Something in me snapped, I guess. The break ended up being a very long while, but I still loved him and thought about our future all the time, how great things would be when we finally got back. I was just ready to welcome him back into my life when I found out he was with someone else. He briefly broke if off with her when he found out how upset I was, then decided to get back with her for and leave me behind for good. I feel like he made his choice when things were still really sad, and didn’t give us the chance to heal together. I know this one is sort of my fault, but I feel completely devastated. It’s been a month since he made his final choice, and I still feel like it’s the end of the world and I’m without a future.
I got dumped a few hours ago and I feel that way too. I guess it’s something that comes with being the one getting dumped. I knew we were in a rough patch but there was that wistful thinking that we’ll get through it.
It sucks, being the one asking for more time and having the other person reject that second chance. It sucks knowing that she actually left you for another man.
The hardest part was all the good times you’ve spent together. She helped me through a terrible addiction, and she stayed with me when I was struggling through college. I’m trying really hard to push past the resentment and say goodbye without bitterness. It’s not easy.
For everyone else reading this and in the same place that I am, don’t blame your ex. Thank them for the time together. You’ll get through this. And I will too.
Love this. The resentment part is hard. I want to remember it for how great it was at times. Not be cynical and view my ex SO as a bad person.
EF
Wow 3 yrs ago ur pain was deep my sister and here I sit 3 days after the love of my life broke up with me but for some reason just knowing 3 yrs has passed you by and who knows whats happened to u these past 3 yrs I hope you are happy and if you are not yet romantic= happy I hope you’re heart is full of love for yourself your letter touched me I wanted to hold and hug you until u felt a mothers livelong and acceptance now why I feel this way I’m not sure but it took my pain away because I wanted you to be in a happy love filled space.You may never read this but call it the divine call I swear reading you’re heart soul peircing words I felt every stab you wrote funny but Ive never been overly sensitive as I was wow May you’re dreams be heartfelt and all urs xo
OMG!! I read this and felt like this was me talking. I was with the love of my life for 5 years. We had our moments of course, 28 days was the most we were away from each other. I never ever thought it would ever end. And it did. I am in the most pain i have ever felt in my life. I eat soo much food, then i dont eat, i sleep too much, then i dont sleep. I drive around aimlessly after work not knowing what to do with myself. He wants to best friends… how? I cant !!!! i miss him soo much and im having a very hard time dealing w this, and coming to a realization that we r over!!!! That i will never have him in my life. I called drunk, begging for him to come back, i drink too much, and im a mess….. im wondering how ur doing? i see your post is 7 months ago.. would love to know ur progress please respond.
I have broken up with the first love of my life. we were in love for 4 years and friends for 5 years… I even don’t know whether we broke up or not. because after a big fight, we haven’t seen or called each other and it has been about 22 days I haven’t heard anything about him.I tried hard to forget him and move on.But day after day i feel worse. Tonight I miss him so much…I miss kisses, hugs, laughs,…. I am begging him in my dreams to text me again.I can’t imagine my future with out him. We planned to get married and now everything is ruined.My whole dreams and 9 years of my life…
i know this was a year ago but i am wondering how you are doing?
Hi, I’m feeling the exact same thing. We broke up a week ago and she is moving tomorrow out of our place. You said it so perfect: I feel robbed, and the pain is so much. The worst thing is that I’m all alone with no family or friends, and despair is setting in. Trying to keep my head above water. Thank you for writing this. At least I don’t feel like Im crazy… C
Charlie I was in the same situation years ago but I was able to keep my head above water. If you don’t have friends, I’ll be one. Add me on yahoo messenger at fsujennyemj and we can talk about our broken hearts if you want to. I have also been robbed of my dream future. My boyfriend and I broke up just 3 days ago. It hurts so bad but I know this feeling is part of everything bigger. Something that we can’t see just yet. We will both feel better eventually. I am offering my friendship because I know how difficult it feels to “feel” alone. Keep breathing.
Hi Terry, I’m not on yahoo but def would be great to keep in touch. Maybe email? Mine is elioccarletti2009@gmail Be good to keep in touch.. Thanks for your words.. C
hi charlie! how have you been? does everything feel better now?:)
I wish the man who hurt me so badly will experience the way I am right now. There is nothing wrong with me. I give him everything. I deeply in love with him but he choose to break my heart!!!!!!!!! omg.
I understand I thought we could beat the odds, Noone wanted us together but they still supported me. I wish I had him in my arms to hear those calls, to hear the words I love you babe, I miss you. Being my man was a bit younger I just figure he would see Im a great women I helped him thru alot he helped me too but for him to say I played is way beyond not true. If I played him I wouldnt have helped him out of some legal matters. I was the only one when noone else was. Now his just ice cold and tears my heart apart. I know he is laughing and I was a fool to believe that he really did love me or would have remorse.
Tnx terry, m also going thru same , it was nice reading your lines,
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re all going through. I’ve just broken up with my partner/fiancee of 6 years nearly 2 months ago and I found out he had a child behind my back. And no one told me and let me carry on. With him I just want it to all get better i’m here for anyone who wants me to be my email is sai_rajah@hotmail.co.uk Xx
Hello I just wanted to know how you are keeping? My partner of 7 years finished with me about a week ago. It’s very painful experience to deal with. I’m guessing his ex girlfriend is back in his life again.
My heart goes out to all of those who have suffered a break up. Time will heal the pain, just be strong.
Pls do email me if you wish at nkauser37@yahoo.com
Hi Nazmeen,
How are you keeping? I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. But this is no cliche as truly you’ll never feel so free. I have honestly found my strength I thought my life was over but honestly I’ve never been happier. I’ve realised my self worth is so much more than someone who will treat me that way. And you’ll realise that too, you’ll realise that you’re stronger and happier without him. Believe me you deserve so much more than that and he’s so much of a loser for losing you. Believe me it will never ever be your loss not the other way around. Please feel free to email me anytime.
Xx
We were together for 4 years always had each other back and we were away from each for just 2 months and everything change he said he’s gonna give me space isn’t space breaking up ? He wanted to be friends but I couldn’t do it it hurts so bad I imagine him kissing another woman I imagine him doing the things he did for me with another woman and that is tearing me apart I wanna know who she is so i can scream at there faces for hurting me I love him and I will always love him I hate him for hurting me
Hi my boy friend broke up with me a week ago and I can’t get over him I am dying slowly feels like slow poison I have no one to talk to no friends could use some company jlewisgy@gmail.com
i have also had break up with the man i thought he is my soulmate and my everything, i loved him from all my heart and the way he broke up with me was sudden and unexpected ,my pain is unbearable and i need a friend man or woman doesnt matter who lives similar circumstances and we can support eachother ,my email mysoulbeauty@gmail
how to hurt back the man who broke my heart so badly??? I want him to suffer also. I want him to be miserable just I am right now??
You really dont have to hurt him. Dont be a dickhead because he was a dickhead. Karma will teach whoever wronged anyone a soar lesson belive me
this is what i am exactly feeling right now. I think i need some help from you guys… 🙁
You are not alone. It’s been two weeks for me, and I think the hardest thing to accept is exactly what you said: “The bottom line is he doesn’t want me or none of the reasons would matter.” I can only imagine that it takes time (who knows how much?) to accept that and let the hurt surrounding that heal.
Its been 7 days since the love of my life told me i never made time for him and its over. I told me he didnt want me anymore and that he was happier without me. We got in a small spat last week when he asked if i loved him and i didnt respondyes, rather i told him how much i had to do. I was working on taxes and other things. He is sensitive and processed it so darkly he won’t see me or respond. I am in dispair. I texted like 15 times telling him im sorry and i love him so much. He doesn’t care. Something switched off. I can’t go back and i want to so badly. I feel physically ill and in a haze. I feel robbed too, of a beautiful life i was planning for us. You are not alone in your grief, i cry next to you…
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I just broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago and it hurts so bad. And there was no closure and reason, all though I think she met someone else. If you need someone to talk too. I would like to help. I know I could use someone to talk too.
Thanks Kyle, certainly it would be nice to have/ provide support. I stopped trying to make contact with my love because of the lack of reciprocation and my attempts made me feel pathetic and demoralized. I’m at coneheadroxy@gmail.com. Hope you are hanging in there. I’m still breathing, still meditating. Right now im angry now, and this is a tough phase for me. Have trouble sleeping…
Did she ever try to contact you to get back with you? How are you feeling about the break up now? Is it the healing process hard?
I broke up too and am broken by it deeply. What I tend to notice about love now, is that it is not about who loves who more or less. It’s about people realising as they grow up, that they’re maturing mentally and physically, and they need the other person. If you loved, then why would that feeling fade I thought?… Maybe because the other half wasn’t ready to understand that the love faded because they didn’t act on it to resolve it and rebuild the bond?
I’m speaking my opinion on this stuff, not trying to hurt anyone, just trying to look at break ups like mine in the purest way possible. I might just be completely wrong about this. I just wanted good for my other half, it was rarely about me, everything I did, I did to make my other half feel loved/better, that in turn made me feel happy too. 🙂
You’ve put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling since we broke up. Thank you! I miss him terribly and I’m disappointed that the person who is my perfect match cannot give me more than his friendship. Despite the fact that we broke up a few months ago, my feelings are not fading away. Such a hard experience.
Feeling your pain.
My breakup came so unexpectedly and so suddenly it was like she had been in an accident and died. She has totally cut off all communication and hes never properly explained what happened. She totally even refused to acknowledge that we had a relationship. I have been through two divorces, and they were nothing like this. I have never felt like this in my life and am in a state of total confusion. Yep, it hurts like hell.
I hope you find some peace. I’m going through something similar and seriously just allow yourself to feel the pain and emotions for me, every day since the break up is a roller coaster , I’m fine then I’m about to burst into tears , and others I’m angry and lashing out. And the worst is when I think about him with his new girlfriend and how he probably with marry her and have kids something he never seemed to want with me even though we dated for 10 years. We never even moved on I don’t know what happened how did time go so fast and he broke my heart in the end more than once
This is literally how i feel right now. My chest hurts so very much. It feels tight and im physically hurting. Its like my body is sad and just wants to shut down so it doesnt have to go through this awful pain.
How are you doing? Is the physical pain gone? I’m also going through that phase right now. It’s worse because I have not many family or friends around since I’m an immigrant. He was my home and I feel homeless.
hii your last words made me cry when u said he was my home ..that’s what i m feeling now homeless helpless girl .waiting for him
I feel your pain mine has only been a couple days smh 3.5 yrs & he said he doesn’t know what he wants. It hurts so bad he was my best friend, the love of my life. We did everything together. I’m just trying 2 move on with my life but the pain & the tears won’t go away.
Thank you for this, though am still fighting for the love of my life, am already accepting the possibility of giving up..
I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years today. A few weeks ago, I discovered that he had been posting and replying to craigslist ads on a secret email account. I also caught him in a few little lies related to his internet activity. At the time I caught him, he flipped out on me, saying it was all my fault for snooping and I put the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He told me I’d never trust him again and it was over. I pleaded with him, it was pathetic, I cried and pleaded with him to forgive me for snooping. I promised to never snoop or bring up the subject again. Needless to say this was impossible for me, and I ultimately told him today that it’s a dealbreaker. The hard thing is that he is 99% good and he tried to convince me that I allowed the 1% bad to take over. Yes, I snooped, but I am not OK with what I found. I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself, recognizing and telling the truth, but I keep thinking of the good times we’ve had. I’m in bed, he’s in the other room. I told him I want to work this out, I don’t want our relationship to end, and I asked him to go to counseling with me. He refused. It hurts so much that he won’t give up his internet fetish for me. I believe him when he says he didn’t actually go meet anyone, but even posting/replying to ads is crossing a line for me. And I’ve gotta stick to that no matter how much he tries to flip it onto me. It hurts. I’ve got to move out and tie up lots of loose ends. We’re gonna be living together for a little while longer, and it’s gonna be hard. This is my first break up (my first boyfriend, the love of my life, tragically died after 3.5 years of us being together). I wish it wasn’t happening, but I know I can get through this.
Just an update, I’ve been doing really well lately. After my last post, my boyfriend went to stay with his friends. Two days later I came home to an empty house. He stole a bunch of my property and took off without even saying goodbye. Actions speak so much louder than words; that was all the clarity I needed to confirm that he was using me and I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. So I’ve been working on moving on. I’ve been dating a little here and there (I even started my own blog http://adventuresofasinglegirldating.wordpress.com) and I’m moving into a new apartment this weekend. It feels empowering to take control of my life. My world is so much bigger and brighter without him at the center of it. It’s a struggle and some days I feel so lonely all I want to do is cry, but overall I know I’m doing the right thing and deep down I am content with that.
come on people….what is the point of crying n feeling so broked up after sumone left u behind…im a guy away from my family n stuck in a phase where im facing a break up crisis…I felt like my hert is crying..i felt this is something happening wrong with me…at the next moment i realised that it is nt my destiny and kife..i do have reasons and causes for surviving…i do hav my dearest n nearest one’s, who are integral part of my life n somewhere they made me happy..why nt be happy for them..why nt rejoice the life as we never fall in love…when u miss her/him plz try to forget it as a dream..its so simple if u will feel u will gett hurt..my emotions n felings r for the one who will have the same for me…other wise i don’t mind keeping my assets with me…the life is long u hav to go a long way….love ur parents not a person who came into u r life n meesed up every thing……im nt very experienced or mature guy..im juz 19 year old boy..n i learnt a lot at this age..the entire war n peace….its my ddep thiniking which creates problem sometime but im all good…its people(parents) around s me who loved me so much..other wise i would ended up my life long back…..all tthe best…..plz forgive me if i have written something wrong….
Dealing with a breakup is never easy, I’m at the day two stage and struggling to see what good can come of it, though logically I know it the long run it’s better for me but right now I just feel so much pain and worse self blame for something that was completely out of my control. I needed this article right now, thanks for writing it. And to all those going through breakups right now, stay strong and remember they may not be in the picture anymore but the world still turns and life goes on.
I just wanted to share whats going on with me because it is hard to let it out elsewhere. This time last year i was engaged to the love of my life. We had been engaged for 7 months before I made a huge mistake which wound me up in jail for a while. I thought, “My baby will stick by me. Im a good person I just made a bad mistake.” I was right about her sticking by me…for the first week of my incarceration at least. After the first note I wrote her, she decided to sever all contact and delete any history of us. Pictures of us on facebook, gone. Friendships with my family and me, gone. Its like I had my heart ripped from me and the robber ran off faster than she came. I never had a fighting chance.
We havn’t spoke in almost a full year now. Sometimes, I find myself wondering, how can she not still love me, how can she not feel the same things I am feeling? Since being released into freedom there have been some major changes in my faith, my habits, and my general attitude. I feel that now I am a much better person and if things are meant to be in the future, then my higher power will make it happen. Thanks you immensely for this article. When I start to hurt again, pieces like this reminding me to deal with the feelings and not suppress them as well as stay in the present tense, are very helpful.
Thanks!
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I really hope I get to a happy place. My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now. :/ He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. I feel like im in a black hole and cannot get out. I also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder so all this stress makes me feel sick and like i could just collapse at any moment. During our relationship he told me how much he loved me and wants to make things work forever but then in a matter of a night hetold me he thinkgs it would never work out. Then a week later he has a girlfriend. I feel like im in so much mental pain, what should i do?
MOVE ON
Ditto Gkasejg. I thought I could not live without the abusive, gaslighting male demon I was attached to. His withholding, his silences, his punishing. Then one day, I realized I can find a better partner who looks like him or better, who will give the kind of love I deserve and want, and accept my love in return. When I made that realization, and then looked across at this demon, I realized
(a) I was settling by allowing him to stay in my life, and
(b) He was sitting in my future man’s space.
Blocking him. Delaying his arrival in my life. So demon had to go. I broke up with him, blocked him, and am looking for that better man. Guess who’s sad now? Demon is beside himself and torn to pieces. Serves him right. Do the same. It will happen to you. MOVE ON.
Thankyou for your moving words.
I have been feeling lost and angry since my sudden breakup from my boyfriend of 1 year.
I am surrounded by friends and family yet there still seems to be a void in my life and I wake up feeling empty.
Your words have shown me it is ok to feel how I feel and with time this feeling will become part of the past.
For anyone out there who is feeling like me, just remember,
“If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can’t buy.”
There is always something beautiful in your life, but sometimes you spend too long looking at the bad, you miss the good.
Keep strong.
hey,
i broke up with my girlfriend int he most unusual manner.
technically i don’t even know if we are done.
Her parents refused to accept me as i was 8 months younger to her.
Its a typically orthodox indian family.
We;ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years.
her parents found out about us 2. and i havent heard from her since.
However i know for a fact shes been going to her office regularly.
i am worried they must have forced her to create this space.
all means of communicating her are dead.
and i dont think trying to reach out to her and then failing would be good idea.
we really loved each other but we will HAVE to move on because her parents would never budge.
the right decision is to move on and i am pretty sure thats what shes been trying to do as well..
all i wish is for is her to be happy and know that i will always be there for her.
its been almost a month now, but i am still stuck at “how do i move on” and wat do i do if i bump into her somday…
It’s been five months since I broke up with my boyfriend. I was devastated but I have learned to accept it. I meditate almost every day and I’ve been learning to love myself more. Until today, I can’t say that I totally free from the bitterness, I sometimes still think about him and the other girl. I realized that healing process takes time and we have to be very patient with ourselves. Be strong and believe that everything will be just fine. Thank you for nice post.
[…] my ex-girlfriend and I broke up several years ago, I never felt more alone in my life. I hung up the phone with tears streaming […]
Insecurity led me to be in a relationship that I knew wasn’t right for me and when it ended I still acted like someone who had lost a great love, even though it never was. I liked the security of having someone that cared about me, someone to dedicate my time to, time that was never consumed through an interest or passion for anything else. I became the nice girl, running around, cooking, not making plans with friends, waiting for calls that never came and generally putting up with situations that warranted walking away from the relationship. When it then turned into a long distance thing I knew from the start that I didn’t, at the time, have it in me to feel secure about the situation or know how to create a good balance between the two of us. I pushed, and nagged and was never generally happy and I became weak in a game that I didn’t want to play but felt trapped in due to lack of self assurance. I didn’t value myself enough to walk away and be ok with my decision, not to care what he was doing, why he wasn’t calling, who he was with. Those things consumed me because I guess I felt that I had let me self fall for someone who wasn’t really worthy of me and I didn’t understand why they weren’t treating me very well. I allowed it though and have ended up being emotional and needy, two things I never set out to be.
After a seemingly mutual break up where I couldn’t handle the constant selfishness and lack of consideration and he couldn’t bear my pressure to commit or nagging about the aforementioned selfishness, I have found it increasingly difficult to move on. I know deep down that the relationship isn’t right, that I can’t find a level of happiness with that person that I need/deserve but I can’t work out what it is about the situation/person that is consuming me. Your article has been a stepping stone for me to begin to figure this out. Thank you.
This is exactly how I feel about my breakup.. I’ve been trying to figure out how I ever let myself get this way..
Hi Sophie, very well put. How is it going a month later? Very much in a similar situation, I would love more insight.
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I’m really glad I found this page. Feel as if I’m in the same situation as you have described. I have never ever wanted to end up this weak – “emotional”, “needy”, “too much pressure”‘ etc. Been in a three yr relationship on and off because of these issues… Can’t figure out what it is that I can’t let go off when it’s so clear in my head that we wouldn’t possible last…
You have written about my relationship nearly verbatim, with the exception of the long distance aspect. When I met him I was strong, healthy, active, HAPPY. Very quickly I allowed myself to turn into someone I’m not and who I do not want to be. I, like you, can not put my finger on why I continue to grieve this relationship and beg for his attention. He didn’t give it to me when we were IN the relationship, so what makes me think he will give it to me OUT of the relationship? It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t find the disconnect….or maybe I just don’t want to acknowledge the disconnect because I am secure in living in my own misery right now. No more. This is my one life. My only life. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to live that happiness with someone who supports and nurtures it… And you all do, too.
Your story is exactly like mine. When I met him I was my own person. As soon as we got involved I became insecure, needy, clingy and weak. The relationship was so very unhealthy with him not wanting to really commit to a relationship, wanting his freedom, going out all the time, allowing girls to come between us on 2 different occasions and on and on and on. I broke it off with him 2 months ago because I couldn’t take being with someone who “loved me but wasn’t IN love with me”. But now I’m in so much pain and regretting my decision. I I just want him back. I miss so many things and they seem to make me forget the insecurity, pain, embarrassment and anger he caused me. I’m trying. I’ve scheduled time with a counselor. I’m trying to take care of me but all I do is drink away they hurt. I hope one day to move past this and learn to love myself without him again.
I know what u are going tru I am going tru this only thing he thought I was pregnant and I did an abortion but I never did we always fight over another woman he always put other women above me so now he said lets go our separate ways and I am trying hard to cope and move on I know we had ruff days but the good days man nothing could come between us I could be my self around him
You have absolutely nailed it for me. This is exactly how I feel in my relationship. How to snap out of and be able to distinguish a difference between hope and delusion.. We cannot blame people for who they are, we cannot change them but we can define what we want and who we are. Believing in an unhealthy relationship is only making us doubt in ourselves, making us be what we are not to please them and hoping they will reward us by being “different”. And that never comes..
My situation exactly. I guess in the need of stability we try to put up with a lot of inconveniences. And we feel like he might be grateful for it and return the favor. My ex realized that he is treating me poorly. So he wants me to move on. In other words he wants me gone. He is under a lot of pressure and I trust him that he will fix it soon. No such luck. It’s been 2 years with intermittent month long breaks so he can get his stuff together. But our relationship has suffered and died but his stuff is not together yet. I should be happy because I don’t need to think about how poorly he treats me everyday. Turning down all invitations, complaining all the time, showing no interest in my life. But I find it hard to have no hope . I’m hurting because I lost my friend that I thought I could heal. Or at least be there for him through the bad times into the perfect happy future ..
I am mourning the loss of a relationship that never was. I have been in love with a male coworker of mine for months now. When I got the courage to tell him how I feel he rebuffed me. It is extremely difficult for me to get over him when I see him every day. It may sound silly to some, but it feels just as agonizing as going through a breakup. The feelings of loss and depression, holding on to the good times and to what might have been.
Good article. May I add that in my own experiences w/c taught me a lot and most of the time were painful, breaking up a relationship is really hard because we were created to relate. Breaking up a love relationship is even more difficult since a lot has been invested by both parties to that relationship. The worst mistake is to think that you have the right to change the other person into your ideal partner. Our gift is our individuality. We all have our own unique contribution to life. We may have our own baggage we bring into the relationship, but that would all heal in time and in the process of interrelationship. WE major most of the time in the negatives, that we forget the great gifts each of us have. The best thing I learned in creating relationships be it to a friend or spouse is to make sure what my motivations are. Majority go into a relationship because the other person completes them or they get something from it. When the time comes that we do not get anything anymore, it starts to crumple and fall apart. Our real motive should be to GIVE. Each one giving and sharing his or her life to the other and vice-versa. That way we don’t bankrupt each other from our withdrawals. Instead, we continue to deposit value and love into that person until he or she is full to overflowing.
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There is nothing worse than breaking up with someone that you are still in love with. I am on week three of my breakup. I walked away from my man simply because he made poor choices in our relationship due to his weaknesses. He loved me; but punished me for it. He could not deal with his feelings. I could not take his abuse any longer. I miss him and I will always love him. Sometimes you have to love yourself a little bit more and walk away. They always come back when they know what they have lost. I miss you sweet.
i am on the same situation. 🙁
i can relate much. 🙁
Right now, I am unfortunate enough to be the man you are describing. Though I never punished my love for anything, certainly not loving her, I did betray her trust which was difficult to build in the first place. But she trusted me completely, we had long term plans of marriage and family and travel. We were just short of a year anniversary and had just moved in together. Then her love and light revealed that one spot of darkness on my soul which I had not disclosed due to deep shame and guilt – I was suffering from an addiction. Due to her past, she has not been able to see beyond the problem I was suffering from to see me as the person she loved and cared for so deeply. She now believes our entire relationship was a lie, a fabrication. Despite my immediate admission of having a problem, and seeking help through counseling and church right away, she could not see me for who I truly am – she could only see that one spot of darkness. I am now without a place to live, but am staying strong to make positive changes in my life and reclaim the light in my soul that she knew so well. It hasn’t even been a week yet, but I hope that my strength and new attitude about my addiction will help me be the man she fell in love with. Here’s hoping that with some time, she will see that too, and the deep bond of love and caring that our souls shared, can be reestablished.
Good stuff. If you face the truth and accept the hurt it is the beginning to the better days ahead.
While reading this I found myself openly weeping. I recently split with a man i thought to be the love of my life. It is odd because although it was a relationship that bordered on abusive, one which frequently left me feeling worthless and without hope, i still feel as if I am in a constant state of mourning. We were together during five years that I can only describe as dark, a constant state of misery punctuated by a tiny life raft of good will, or a grandiose gesture of romance which i clung to in desperation in order to validate myself or justify staying….I am so sorry for writing all of this, i don’t know if there is any point to it, but I right now I feel I have nowhere to turn, as my family and friends (who are numerous and normally so loving and supportive) can’t bear to hear me talk about it, as they have all informed me that they were forced to bear witness to his abusive and cruel behavior for sooo long and i am not entitled to my feelings of grief and longing…feel more alone now than ever…..so ashamed as i have called him today several times and he has not picked up…I know he has moved on and I am trying be happy for him, i really am, but am so broken right now….anyways, going to make a list of all of the reasons being left by him was the bes thing that could have happend to me, which sounds childish but maybe can stop me from crying for a few minutes….
Mar, it’s ok, it’s going to be ok. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, they are your feelings after all. Life has many challenges and this is one of them. One of the many, lol. No matter what, try to be kind to yourself and do kind things like smile at a stranger, they might need it more than we could know. It’s what I’m going to try to do. And by be kind to yourself what I was thinking was make sure you get out everyday and go for a walk (not into traffic! lol), try to make sure you eat some fresh fruit and add some fresh veggies to a salad or a pita. I woke up at two a.m. feeling so overwhelmed and so anxious about not making bills this month. I feel worthless all the time and sometimes I want to end it all but I think that would be an unforgivable thing to do to my children and to my mother and my sister. I don’t feel like a very good mother anymore, I certainly don’t feel valued or respected. I know I’m not a good daughter anymore because I constantly lash out at my mother, I can’t bear to hear her constant advice that I can’t make fit. And my sister’s ideas on what I must do to succeed feel out of reach. Still, I know they love me and they mean well and things won’t always be this hard because nothing stays the same. Just as the good comes and goes, so will the bad and we’re all in this together. I wish you much luck and much love and don’t forget, if you can rise above your sorrow, little by little and find your way back to glowing, ‘living well is the best revenge’ as they say. 🙂
You have to let go and move on in order to save yourself. It’s time for you to look within. No one deserves to be abused. That’s not what love is. Cut him off. Block his number. Move on and save yourself. Go back to the people who love you. Rekindle your support system in your life. Seek therapy for YOU. This man is toxic and you will only find yourself alone if you keep him in your life. Good luck.
“Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship,
but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.”
This is something more people need to understand: “It takes one second to say Hello, but it takes forever to say goodbye.” Some breakups leave impressions on us forever, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Find the positive in it rather than focusing on the negative and “i miss it” feelings.
its been nearly 3 months now since the break up things aint getting better. we were together 7 years. i broke it off. still love him with all my heart. feels like i have lost a whole other half of me and no one will ever fill the missing half. my head keeps telling me to forget him and just get on with things but my heart wants him back do much he’s my soulmate. but things in our life just wheren’t goin the same way. the 2 of us were going in diffenrent directions. still dont know wat to do!! we were at the best we had ever been in some ways but in others not so good.
Hello everyone Doctor Messiah is indeed powerful! He was my last hope and after all the spellcasters I tried before, y were my last chance, and you kept your promise! My wife wrote me such a touching letter last week! She wants to live with me and the kids again! I really feel I m living again! Thank you for making all this possible This messiah contact freemercytemple@yahoo.com can help anyone!
After much contemplation and ruminating about the good parts of the relationship, I have finally admitted to myself (I really always knew) that I began an emotional affair which led to a sexual affair while I was married. Even though my marriage was in shambles and divorce was inevitable, I still went down that road. The girlfriend in this for 7 years was just as guilty. We were both in vulnerable positions, since she was in a divorce proceeding. I guess the lesson here is that neither won of us healed from our marriages and just brought in the same baggage. Had we held the line and met a few more years later it migh have been different, but we were afraid to let each other go. Now the pain of the breakup is full blown for me since she broke it off. Oh, she made a decision to date. History repeating for her. I am choosing to make myself healthy here and dating is currently the last thing on my mind. I wouldn’t be fair to me or any knew women who came into my life at this time.
Wow. I love what you wrote about staying in the present. I frequently find myself analyzing the past or imagining the future, if things had worked out. It’s been 4 months and I don’t know why this breakup has been so hard on me. My previous relationship lasted over 7 years (this most recent one 2 1/2) and it was hard but I was ready to move on. I think maybe because I feel I’m still in love with the guy where before I had definitely fallen out of love. But am I in love with him still? Or am I in love with idea of getting married and starting a family? I ignored red flags that he wasn’t the ideal partner, yet when you love a person and know their true potential, one tends to be in denial. Ugh. I just need to realize I can’t change someone, can’t make them do things they don’t want to do, even though they’re fully capable. Even though the breakup was quite mutual…I still feel complete rejection. 🙁
I am currently going through a very tough heart break. We had gone through so much together, but as time went on and as our lives went different directions we parted ways. It was me that felt it should end. I was fine at first. Having fun, dating, everything. It wasn’t until I decided to open up to a friend that all of these emotions came to light. I had been bottling them in for so long and masking them with alcohol to feel better. All of my past relationships ended and quickly I was in another one. This time, I have decided to dig deep inside me and feel this pain for what it is. It hurts bad, but every day I embrace it and run toward the feelings opposed to running away I feel a little stronger. It’s nice to see others posting their experiences because it makes you realize what I feel is perfectly normal and that I haven’t had a love curse placed on me. ..(jk) Thank you for your article. I hope we both heal soon.
We broke up about 2 months ago (for the second or third time) after seven years together. I initiated the breakup because I wasn’t getting the love or respect I deserved. He isn’t ready to commit, he wants his space and he wants to be happy. I’ve given him his space to be all that. I know I did the right thing, but it hurts. I thought I was over it by now, but today I saw him in the street and I wept for what I wanted and what I thought I had.
I am sad and lonely but I believe it will pass. I also believe that I have freed myself to be able to be loved by someone who will love me and respect me and value me. But first I have to love, respect and value myself. I know I would get over the hurt, neglect, disappointment and other negative feelings. I’ve read some of the other posts and realised I’m not alone in this and I draw strength and hope from it. I know I’ve already done something very brave by letting go; by no longer accepting someone’s bad behaviour under the guise of love. He looks great. Guess what, I owe it to myself to look great too, to maintain myself, to never let him see me looking the worse for wear. I am stronger than I think. This phase, long or short, will pass.
You have done something brave. You’ve also helped me put into words what I’ve been trying to for the last 2 months. I finally got the courage to leave her and ever since then I’ve been so angry with her and myself. Her for how she made me feel and me for letting it happen. I still have a long way to go but I’m letting go little by little and I think I’m nearly at the point where I’ll be able to forgive her. So be strong and believe in yourself, you aren’t alone.