“No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
I met him the last semester of college and was instantly attracted to him. I was definitely attracted to him physically, but it was the way he sat in class with such quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know him.
I practically drooled all over my desk whenever he spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.” One night out, I saw him standing by the bar. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. Needless to say, I chose the first option.
I don’t remember what was said when I approached him, and in the grand scheme of things I guess it’s irrelevant. We spent the entire evening together. He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced.
His affinity for Vanilla Ice notwithstanding, I fell in love with him that night.
We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.
Recently, I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for him. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating. Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.
Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.
Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.
Embrace the feelings.
Breaking up with someone can feel like a major loss. It’s crucial to give yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship; however, it’s important to remember that everyone mourns differently. Some people cry, get angry, lash out, become sad, or deny that the relationship is really over. If you’re anything like me, you’re likely to feel all of these emotions at once.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. My therapist calls this a tendency to “double bad.” You experience a negative emotion (sadness) and then make yourself feel even worse for experiencing it (guilt). We often think that we should be handling a break up better than we are. We tell ourselves things like “I should be over her by now,” or “I should be handling this better,” or “I shouldn’t let this get to me.”
But, in actuality there is no “right” way to get over somebody. Despite the numerous manuals and self-help books that have been written on this topic, the only real way to deal with a breakup is…to deal with the breakup.
Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it.
Stay present.
Instead of dealing with the current state of the relationship, we sometimes tend to keep replaying the past, looking for answers that can’t always be found, or mentally create future situations that allow us to (temporarily) escape the pain.
Depending on my mood, I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).
However, focusing on the past and future forces us to stay stuck in an endless loop of pain and confusion, and prolongs the healing process. Stay present in the moment and allow the emotional wounds to heal naturally.
Learn love’s lesson.
Even though it’s difficult to accept that the relationship has ended, I have still gained invaluable information from the experience that I may not have received otherwise. I am better able to recognize what I need in a relationship and to communicate those needs to others. Also, I’ve found the courage to face some of the issues that floated to the surface in the process of opening myself up to another person.
Yes, sometimes the lessons hurt—and like hell. But learning is an important part of the healing process. No relationship, no matter how negative it may seem, can be considered a “failure” if you have grown as a result of the experience.
If you’re open to it, each relationship offers the potential for spiritual growth and evolution. Rest in the knowledge that while you’re learning love’s lessons in preparation for your future mate, he or she is being prepared for you, too.
Photo by CarbonNYC.
About Alana Mbanza
Alana Mbanza is a freelance writer and the author of LoveSick: Learning to Love and Let Go. Even more than a writer, she strives to be an active agent of creation, choosing to see and create life through the lens of love. Visit her website for more information about her freelance writing and coaching services.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great read! I had a hard time getting through my last break up and I often cycled through a plethora of emotions. And you’re right, the only way to get through it is to let yourself feel it and not be critical of yourself. I struggled with this aspect and I thik it only prolonged some of the sad feelings I had. Great advice to take away!
Who is this author, she’s real. That’s exactly how it is with the breakup. But I always remember its the experience of love that is exciting for our own life. And she will always have that experience for the best.
Alana, thanks for the well-writte, informative article, we all go through breakups and it is good to know there isn’t a right way to deal with it. Keep putting out articles, I’m proud of your success! 🙂
I am absolutely floored! I enjoyed each moment of this piece. You writes as if your life depended on it. The words are woven together life a perfect quilt and engulfs the reader with warmth, depth and completeness. Amazing and I am anticipating the next article.
What a great piece. Much of your experience mirrors mine from a recent relationship. Almost a year later, I’m still dealing with some of it – and that’s okay. Everything in its time. Thanks for the words. Peace.
What a great piece. Much of your experience mirrors mine from a recent relationship. Almost a year later, I’m still dealing with some of it – and that’s okay. Everything in its time. Thanks for the words. Peace.
Hi Alana – it’s very ironic that this post was showing in the top window when I came to Tiny Buddha today. I’m in a very difficult time in my relationship at the moment – you know, where it basically sinks or swims. How I would get through a break up has crossed my mind many times recently, and your guidance is extremely relevant and helpful!
Staying present is something I’m focusing on more and more and I can imagine so important when moving through a break-up.
Thanks for the wise words!
” imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).”
I seriously can’t stop thinking this. When my sleepless nights are overpowered by exhaustion, I am usually awakened with tears. And there is no longer anyone there to offer comfort. This is the hardest time I can remember and so empty.
HUH.. I’m trying to get over the one 1 love since 3.5 years n don’t u think I’ve tried all this.. ofcourse i’ve.. but no this click thing is really dangerous.. u r rite no self help books can cure it.. it just goes eventually..
Thank you for posting this. Im going threw a hard break up and three months later im still thinking ‘what if’. Staying in the present has helped me but im still going threw all my emotions. Today especially has been hard realizing my other half is gone. Keep writing I really love your articles.
Hi Christina!
I’m glad this post came at a good time for you. I was amazed, when reading this, how much I could relate from break-ups I’ve been through in the past.
I’m not sure if you noticed, but the daily posts are actually all from different people. This is Alana’s first post on Tiny Buddha. Anyone can contribute a post to blog. If you’d like to read more, you can find the submissions guidelines here:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/get-featured/
Have a wonderful day!
Lori
My relationship with my girlfriend just ended recently and I have been dealing with these emotions. It’s been the first really hard test other than anger that I’ve had to deal with after deciding to look down the path that Buddha has shown me. My first response was, “Don’t be sad, stop it.” then anger, then depression, then denial, then anger again, then acceptance, then sadness, then fear. While feeling all of this I realized that it’s ok. It’s ok to feel these things as long as I don’t let them control me. I have been doing much better, while still sad, and constantly tested as she calls and wants to “hang out” around every corner making it harder I have nurtured my feelings and no longer feel as bad. I feel sad, of course, but I feel ok. And that means a lot. I really love what you’ve written here, and thank you for this article. 次回までは、友人
This is precisely my biggest issue in life right now and at the sixth-month point after the break-up of a five-year-long, live-in relationship I’m still missing my ex as if we just broke up yesterday. The bit about “I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching
for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in
which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily
married” is exactly what I’m going through and even though I know all of the intellectual reasons we split up I’m still resolutely sure I’d love to have her back in a full relationship again if she’d be willing to try again. I have been heavily depressed and suicidal and still in as much pain now as on the day she moved out and I have no idea if I can actually pull out of this.
I couldn’t have summed up my emotions any better if I had written this piece myself! I am currently riding the emotional ups and downs of a break up (three months after a five-year relationship). This really was therapeutic! I just want to say thank you!
Thanks for your comment, Amanda. It’s truly amazing how what we need always manifests exactly when we need it. When I was going through my breakup, I stumbled across a “break up handbook” in a bookstore that was going out of business and had less than 50 books left! Random right? It didn’t really tell me anything new but there was something about the timing that really gave me peace. I’m glad my blog was timely and relevant for you.
Thank you Carl. I still have my moments of sadness but it gets easier, I promise!
What an amazing comment, thank you!
Hello Dante,
Thank you for your comment. I love that you said you’ve learned to embrace the feelings without letting them control you. I think that’s an extremely important distinction to make in dealing with a break up but also just in life in general. We are emotional beings so it’s natural to feel but becoming immobile because of those feelings is dangerous. I’m so glad that things are getting better for you and I really appreciate the comment!
Hi Michael,
I often ask myself what I would say or do if my ex ever called and said he loved me and wanted to try the make our relationship. The rational part of me says “heck no!” without any hesitation but there’s another side that’s hopeful? in denial? delusional? Regardless, the fact is that both sides are perfectly natural parts of this experience. It’s OK for you to feel the way you’re feeling. I’m not saying forget the reasons you broke up but obviously there were some good aspects of the relationship that shouldn’t be denied either. Embrace all of the feelings; good or bad they all have equal merit. And, if it seems like you can’t get through it on your own there is absolutely no shame in seeking out additional help. Sometimes you just need an objective ear and a safe space to process things. Thanks for your comment. Peace and blessings!
Chris,
On the nights that I couldn’t sleep, the thing that helped me the most was writing about the break up. Sometimes, it would be as simple as “I hate you” or “I love you.” Sometimes, it was imaginary conversations that I wanted to have with him. The point was to stop the repetitive thoughts and get them out of my head. Seeing them on paper made them less threatening and gave me some sort of peace. This practice might be helpful for you as well. Take care.
Thank you!
You’re exactly right. Even though break ups hurt, the experience of love is so rewarding. Thank you for your comment!
Thank you for your comment!
The pain does fade with time but sometimes we all need some extra tools in our tool belts to deal with these difficult experiences. I hope that things get better for you and thank you so much for your comment!
Thank you, Brandon. I’m glad it was helpful!
I think this reaffirms my decision to be end my relationship. I have been debating going back to him…but I think God shows us paths to take and this sign speaks loudly.
Still, break ups suck.
I want to say thank you for this article. I’m going through a break up right now & ( I don’t want to believe it) I am desperately trying to hold on & scared of the pain . But this has brought me some peace by reading it. So I say thank you.
I always get your posts exactly at the right time. Thank you for this. I know I will refer to again and again during this time of loss for me.
I was feeling great until I looked at the comments section and the first comment has the same name as my ex-girlfriend… dangit!!! lol
I really resonated with the tendency to double bad. I
intellectually realize that I don’t need to bring on more suffering by
feeling badly or shameful about my own natural emotions. Thank you for bringing
out so many comforting and peaceful truths. I continue to reread this post to
remind myself of the possibilities of growth, and to remind myself that I am
not the only person that is going through a break up. It can be such an
isolated business, to carry shame, but ultimately isolation and shame are
more illusion than life. Thanks for a great piece.
How true is that. A breakup can be jump start for your own growth. I think after most of the pain subsides, you realize that the universe is giving you the lesson you needed, even if that wasn’t what you originally want it.
Thank you for the article, it fits with what I deal with at present. The most painful step for me was when I decided to clean up all the photos, cards, gifts and etc. She broke up with me on her birthday 🙁
I definitely agree with your post, give yourself a “sad period” is necessary. Listening to sad song, share the story with friends, it is legal even if you need to cry. In order to feel happy you have to know about sadness.
Time will heal
Spot on, especially the part about trying to figure out why it ended and the part about replaying past or future scenarious. Currently with a break-up that happened out of nowhere and yes it hurts like hell. This post was like a cold glass of water on a hot day. God bless in life and love.
I love this article! I am going through a break right now, and I’ve been so confused see I also seem to go from one emotion to the next. Nice to see I’m not the only one. Your tips are also really helping me finally let go of him and move on from the relationship. Thank you!
thank you! ive been married for a year and will probly get divorced, im trying to stay together but hes the one hving doubts even tho the reason why we are separated was something he did. im not sure if should still have hope or get ready in case its really over. waiting for his answer is just killing me. i dont know if i should keep fighting for someone that isnt willing to apologize and cooperate on the relationship, feels like im deluding myself…
I was in a similar situation too Eric, with a break that just ended so suddenly it just left me utter shock, but it’s been four months since then and I will tell you that the pain is nowhere as bad as it was initially. I still do have days where my mind wants to just dwell in it but staying in that sad zone is a lot shorter now than in the past. Now I’m slowly getting back to my old self and feel much stronger as a person because of this experience. 🙂
It hurts like hell. At times, it just makes me stay at a place without doing nothing the whole day.
Hi. I’m dealing with a breakup right now and it hurts so very badly. I feel like we were robbed of what should have been. I was robbed of the future I wanted and the love of my life and I miss him so much and that there must be some mistake. I feel like his reasons are wrong and then I feel rejected because it doesn’t matter if I agree with his reasons or not, the bottom line is he doesn’t want me or none of the reasons would matter. I’m not angry with him but I miss him and I love him still and it’s really awful having to accept something I think is wrong. Sometimes my body hurts so bad and I feel like if I were standing I would just fall down. It’s so hard.
Thank you for writing your article and thank you to the other commenters for posting your feelings.
Thank you for this, though am still fighting for the love of my life, am already accepting the possibility of giving up..
I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years today. A few weeks ago, I discovered that he had been posting and replying to craigslist ads on a secret email account. I also caught him in a few little lies related to his internet activity. At the time I caught him, he flipped out on me, saying it was all my fault for snooping and I put the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He told me I’d never trust him again and it was over. I pleaded with him, it was pathetic, I cried and pleaded with him to forgive me for snooping. I promised to never snoop or bring up the subject again. Needless to say this was impossible for me, and I ultimately told him today that it’s a dealbreaker. The hard thing is that he is 99% good and he tried to convince me that I allowed the 1% bad to take over. Yes, I snooped, but I am not OK with what I found. I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself, recognizing and telling the truth, but I keep thinking of the good times we’ve had. I’m in bed, he’s in the other room. I told him I want to work this out, I don’t want our relationship to end, and I asked him to go to counseling with me. He refused. It hurts so much that he won’t give up his internet fetish for me. I believe him when he says he didn’t actually go meet anyone, but even posting/replying to ads is crossing a line for me. And I’ve gotta stick to that no matter how much he tries to flip it onto me. It hurts. I’ve got to move out and tie up lots of loose ends. We’re gonna be living together for a little while longer, and it’s gonna be hard. This is my first break up (my first boyfriend, the love of my life, tragically died after 3.5 years of us being together). I wish it wasn’t happening, but I know I can get through this.
Thank you for posting this. It’s like you’ve written down my exact thoughts and feelings. I’m somewhat comforted by the fact that you literally feel exactly the same as me.
come on people….what is the point of crying n feeling so broked up after sumone left u behind…im a guy away from my family n stuck in a phase where im facing a break up crisis…I felt like my hert is crying..i felt this is something happening wrong with me…at the next moment i realised that it is nt my destiny and kife..i do have reasons and causes for surviving…i do hav my dearest n nearest one’s, who are integral part of my life n somewhere they made me happy..why nt be happy for them..why nt rejoice the life as we never fall in love…when u miss her/him plz try to forget it as a dream..its so simple if u will feel u will gett hurt..my emotions n felings r for the one who will have the same for me…other wise i don’t mind keeping my assets with me…the life is long u hav to go a long way….love ur parents not a person who came into u r life n meesed up every thing……im nt very experienced or mature guy..im juz 19 year old boy..n i learnt a lot at this age..the entire war n peace….its my ddep thiniking which creates problem sometime but im all good…its people(parents) around s me who loved me so much..other wise i would ended up my life long back…..all tthe best…..plz forgive me if i have written something wrong….
Dealing with a breakup is never easy, I’m at the day two stage and struggling to see what good can come of it, though logically I know it the long run it’s better for me but right now I just feel so much pain and worse self blame for something that was completely out of my control. I needed this article right now, thanks for writing it. And to all those going through breakups right now, stay strong and remember they may not be in the picture anymore but the world still turns and life goes on.
I just wanted to share whats going on with me because it is hard to let it out elsewhere. This time last year i was engaged to the love of my life. We had been engaged for 7 months before I made a huge mistake which wound me up in jail for a while. I thought, “My baby will stick by me. Im a good person I just made a bad mistake.” I was right about her sticking by me…for the first week of my incarceration at least. After the first note I wrote her, she decided to sever all contact and delete any history of us. Pictures of us on facebook, gone. Friendships with my family and me, gone. Its like I had my heart ripped from me and the robber ran off faster than she came. I never had a fighting chance.
We havn’t spoke in almost a full year now. Sometimes, I find myself wondering, how can she not still love me, how can she not feel the same things I am feeling? Since being released into freedom there have been some major changes in my faith, my habits, and my general attitude. I feel that now I am a much better person and if things are meant to be in the future, then my higher power will make it happen. Thanks you immensely for this article. When I start to hurt again, pieces like this reminding me to deal with the feelings and not suppress them as well as stay in the present tense, are very helpful.
Thanks!
[…] it, and keep trying and you will have a happy ending before you know it. Want answers-Click Here!Deal With a break up [caption id="attachment_402" align="alignleft" width="199" caption="deal with b…6_thb-199×300.jpg" alt="deal with a break up"width="199" height="300" />[/caption] Get your ex back […]
[…] with your head held high. Being able to leave with dignity will help you deal with a breakup.How to deal with a break up, before and after it occurs, is a skill almost everyone is going to need…" alt="deal with a break up" width="150" height="150" />How to deal with a break up, before and […]
This is exactly what I am going through right now too. It’s been 2 weeks since we broke up and I don’t feel any better about this at all and I don’t think it is the right decision. I’m trying to work to accept that this was his choice and I need to respect that and do my best to move on but I feel like he gave up on something that could have been wonderful if we had just given it a little bit more time. I love him and he was my best friend I miss him so much sometimes that I don’t know what to do. Heartbreak is one of the worst experiences. Thank you for posting this. I hope that things have gotten easier for you. I just keep trying to remember that nothing is permanent and eventually this hurt will end.
Just an update, I’ve been doing really well lately. After my last post, my boyfriend went to stay with his friends. Two days later I came home to an empty house. He stole a bunch of my property and took off without even saying goodbye. Actions speak so much louder than words; that was all the clarity I needed to confirm that he was using me and I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. So I’ve been working on moving on. I’ve been dating a little here and there (I even started my own blog http://adventuresofasinglegirldating.wordpress.com) and I’m moving into a new apartment this weekend. It feels empowering to take control of my life. My world is so much bigger and brighter without him at the center of it. It’s a struggle and some days I feel so lonely all I want to do is cry, but overall I know I’m doing the right thing and deep down I am content with that.
I really hope I get there! My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now. He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. I feel like im in a black hole and cannot get out. What should i do?
I really hope I get to a happy place. My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now. :/ He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. I feel like im in a black hole and cannot get out. I also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder so all this stress makes me feel sick and like i could just collapse at any moment. During our relationship he told me how much he loved me and wants to make things work forever but then in a matter of a night hetold me he thinkgs it would never work out. Then a week later he has a girlfriend. I feel like im in so much mental pain, what should i do?