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How to Come Home to Yourself

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” ~Zen Proverb

There was once a man who loved to complain and find fault with everyone and everything. Nothing pleased him, so he moved from one town to another, declaring as he left each place:

“I am going to another town, where the people are friendlier.”

A wise man perceived what the problem was, and as the angry man began striding along the dusty road to yet another destination, the wise man compassionately called out:

“Oh brother, moving from place to place does not serve you well. Wherever you go, there you will also find yourself. Your shadow is always with you.”

It took me a long time to understand that, in part, this was my story too. In early 2001, after taking leave of my job and arriving at an ashram in India, I anticipated the months there would be filled with experiences of light, peace, and expansion.

However, within days I was assigned to work with a young woman who could be charming one minute and explosive the next. I was shocked and began pondering:

“How could such an angry person be in this sacred place?”

Finally, after an episode of her screaming, purple with rage in response to the way I had handled a project, I realized it was time to take a deeper look at myself.

Self-reflection took little time to reveal that there was anger, oodles of it, bubbling under the surface of my calm demeanor. Safely kept in check for as long as I could remember, the rarified energy of this meditative environment was revealing my long lost friend, the “shadow.”

For the first time I began to recognize that this woman’s anger belonged to me, and what’s more, what I was seeing was just the tip of the iceberg.

With this acknowledgement, every hidden nuance of anger, in all its glorious forms began revealing itself. Frustration, despair, irritation, disappointment, and depression all came up for air after being hidden underground for so long.

During my time in India, I wrote in my journal, contemplated each experience, and asked the shadow to be revealed in dreams. I was also led to experiment with self-inquiry exercises.

One simple exercise went like this:

  • Write down the names of at least five people (living or dead) who inspire you. Alongside each name, identify one positive quality that they embody. For example: Mother Theresa: Compassion
  • Acknowledge that in order to recognize these qualities, they must be in you. They are already “yours.”
  • Assume the direct opposite of each quality. For example: Mother Theresa – Cold/Uncaring.
  • Take a moment to recognize and acknowledge that each “negative” quality must also be yours. Now ask:
  • “How do you serve me?” and “What must I learn from you?”

When I gently asked questions to the cold/uncaring qualities, the responses were enlightening. I heard:

“I serve you when you are not clear about your boundaries and take on too much. You must learn to honor your needs and know when to say “No!”

In that moment, I realized that the shadow also contains positive qualities, and in order to be authentic, I needed to take ownership of both positive and negative projections.

Though simple, shadow exercises should not be underestimated. They are very, very powerful. They allow us to tap into energy that has formerly been repressed. Once released, a dynamic force is unleashed, initiating immediate changes in our consciousness and in our lives.

What we are actually doing is re-establishing these qualities and the energy inherent in them, to our psyche. Because of the power of the energy, this work is transformational. It can also be unnerving.

At its very core, the shadow is the collective name given to aspects of ourselves we are not taking ownership of because of fear.

On a subconscious level, we are afraid that if people (or the community) “knew the truth,” we would be judged, reviled, rejected, or worse, thrown out.

As a consequence, we try to hide what we believe is unacceptable. This pattern of behavior begins from the moment we are born. A normal aspect of growing up is that we are taught what constitutes appropriate social behavior and what does not.

However, on a subtle or not so subtle level, we might also learn from our parents or caregivers that “being creative” is unacceptable, or that expressing moderate anger or frustration is going against the norms of society.

When we internalize these messages, we form beliefs about what is “wrong” with us and repress them so deeply they become unconscious. What we do not realize is that these aspects of who we are mustfind expression, and so we project them onto other people, organizations, or the world at large.

This is how and why the shadow includes both all that we determine we dislike about ourselves and all the wonderful creative potential we are blind to being gifted with.

In addition, when we begin taking ownership of the shadow, we must also understand that this work is not about “becoming someone else,”like the notion of an “improved” version of who we think we are.

Some people become addicted to becoming spiritual athletes, believing that if they meditate for longer and longer periods each day, endure fasts, and chant non-stop, they will attain enlightenment. While these practices are a beneficial and beautiful support for stilling the mind, entering presence, and becoming aware of resistances, they are not “it.”

Indulging in long hours of practices as a way of trying to fundamentally change who we are, is often a camouflage for lack of self-worth or even self-hatred.

Instead, what we must do is wake up to what we are repressing, own what we are “putting out there,” and re-claim our inherent gifts, skills, and talents.

In support of this we can also ask:

  • Which gifts have I been neglecting?
  • How can I start to make life choices in support of what I have to offer?

Ultimately, shadow work marks the beginning of the end and is a turning point on the spiritual path.

In essence, we are electing to grow up and stop finding fault with everyone and everything “out there.”

Then, as if by magic, the return to our natural state of unity consciousness begins to break through like the light of a new dawn. And we discover there is no longer a desire to keep running.

We have simply, joyfully, and gratefully come home to who we really are.


Lori’s Note: Julie has generously offered to give away 25 free subscriptions for her 7-week online course, Be Your Own Guru. It explores how to utilize the power of the mind and transform the shadow aspects of the psyche in order to align with your innate gifts, skills, and talents.

To enter to win, leave a comment below! You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, March 2nd.  

Photo by Kara Allyson

About Julie Hoyle

Julie Hoyle is a spiritual teacher, natural intuitive and trans-personal hypnotherapist. Her profound spiritual awakening is detailed in her eBook, An Awakened Life- A Journey of Transformation. She offers online courses, soul purpose readings, and energy retrieval at: www.truealignment.org. 

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Damien Willis

This is a fantastic post, and I’d love the opportunity to win Julie’s course!

erin

me too me too! 

Bobby Cupparo

Awesome post! Love it!

Susan Kirk

Beautiful post! I have been really trying to work with my shadow side recently, it’s super intense, but it’s been really helpful. I’m going to try your journaling exercise. I think it might work for me. Thank you!

Ash

Really inspiring. Thank you 🙂

Listendarling

Thank you for this! I’m looking forward to initiating this exercise this week.

Littleblackdogs

Interesting article. Has given me something to explore about myself.

Kelly

Made me think !!

Roberts503eric

When I read ” indulging in long hours of practices as a way to try to fundamentally change who we are…” my mind was stunned for a few seconds. That section really hit home, it is time I start embracing my positive qualities as well as my negatives ones.

Lindsey Murray

“Instead, what we must do is wake up to what we are repressing, own what we are “putting out there,” and re-claim our inherent gifts, skills, and talents.”

Great advice, all around! 🙂 I really loved this. Thank you.

Katharinefrances

I found this post to be very powerful. I am going to try the shadow exercises. Thank you!

Vanessa Page

wow is all I have to say about this post, it’s rather life changing. Thank you!

Katie

Beautiful!! Thank you : )

Erica

Enjoyed your post, but am curious about something.. “Acknowledge that in order to recognize these qualities, they must be in you. They are already ‘yours.'” –I’ve heard this said before, but am wondering why you feel this is true? I would think you could be observant of a quality someone else has because you know what it means by definition, but that doesn’t mean you necessarily have that quality just because you know what it is…maybe I’m missing something here?

Chel Micheline

This sounds fantastic!!

Azaramicrophylla

Great to read on a Monday morning. Thank you.

Aflores

This was great 🙂

Erica

I was aware of the “hero” qualities being inside of us, but the opposites? That was great to tap into. Thanks for the open sharing. 

Marn

Inspiring. Thank you!

Helen Bawden

I was just looking for some sort of contact for you just to be able to say … thank you so much for sharing of yourself in this way & in so doing bring some comfort, inspiration, insight & joy into my every day. I start my day with ‘you’ as I arrive at work early & just quietly set myself up for the day.

Britton

Inspiring article! Definitely a great way to start the week!

Juedrop40

I am constantly amazed how each tiny buddha email has something for me everyday. this has spoken straight to my life a sit is now. thank you

Nicquiroz

Thank you for your inspiring post! 

Kelsi

 🙂 thank you for sharing this.

Roo

I love the shadow exercises you outlined.  Recently I have been trying to help others change their perspectives and to see the events in their lives from a healthy, positive perspective.  I have also been grumpy, out of sorts and fearful of being inadequate.  I couldn’t figure out why I was responding this way.  Now I see it is the shadow effect and that I am feeling the opposites that are within me.  I will try your exercises to really examine what is going on and to be more accepting of all aspects of myself.  Thank you.

Amanda M Hovey

What a great thing to start the week of with!

Alexxis_torres2003

Great article! I would like to try the simple exercise. I’ve done that before at Aa workshop but never did the opposite qualities. Accepting my negatives is something I’ve been learning to do this year…it feels great to know its okay to have them and allow others to have them as well. 🙂

Emo Gojo

Silly but I am reminded of Peter Pan’s shadow-it might be troublesome at times, but he wants and needs it!

Lori Deschene

Hi Helen!

My name is Lori and I run this site. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I publish a post from someone different every day. (And I write the Tiny Wisdom posts). I’m so glad you enjoy the site! Thank you for being part of the Tiny Buddha community. =)

Lori

frostyski3

This is the first time I’ve written a list like this.  I’m shocked at some of the traits I’ve written respectively for each person.  This exercise has sparked curiosity in me of what really is in my head that I respect, believe and aim to follow (or not follow).
Thank you.

Sara Allen

I really, really needed to hear this: “At its very core, the shadow is the collective name given to
aspects of ourselves we are not taking ownership of because of fear.”  I’ve been struggling a lot lately after a long relationship ended and I know I need to own what I brought to that relationship in order to move on and be a healthier, more authentic person.  Thank you for this article!

dominique levenberg

Thank you so much for your post!!! I have been in a very dark place lately and have been struggling to own what is mine and walk through the despair that comes with 3 deaths within a 5 week period of time. I have spent a lot of time focused on looking outward rather than inward and you have opened that door for me, thank you. I’ve known for a long time that “when one finger points out, there are three pointing back at you” but I’ve never thought to ask your questions: 
“How do you serve me?” and “What must I learn from you?”  I sense that the next few months will open some doors for me – thank you again.

Jignesh Bhakta

Very true..Awesome article 

Southaustinzen

powerful words–thanks for sharing!

ShaeC

I have been dealing with this just now quite a lot in my life…it was nice to read it on a Monday that had been a little challenging to face!  🙂

Julimonster

Great post, thank you – I wanted to add something helpfulthat was once passed on to me – the dark things that brew just beneath your surface? They thrive in dark hidden places, but shrivel and die when we bring them out to the light

Helen Bawden

Thanks Lori! I realise it’s been your comments I’ve been reading every day & I missed what I now see the above is which is the different person every day!  Now I have MORE inspiration to take into my day! Great! Thank you! x

Melodyangel

This sounds like an excellent learning and growing resource!
Mahalo namaste’
Peace love and beautiful bountiful blessings
From Debra

Brittany

Thank you for all of the posts!  I love reading them.

Rhonda Maxwell

I enjoyed reading this post.  Definitely gave me new things to look into.

vicki

Loved this post…the exercise is a great way to look within and explore yourself.  Great message.

Lori Deschene

You’re most welcome! =)

Truealignment

 Yay!! This is great. When we make what was unconscious conscious, then our lives are transformed. We begin to see ourselves clearly and what is equally as beautiful is that we allow others to do the same. Our work is a gift to the world.

Om to that!

With love,

julie.

Jenna NJ

Loved this post! It is important to be OK with yourself. to love and accept yourself 🙂

Thank you for sharing!

Sarah Nean Bruce

I had never thought of «The Shadow» in this regard before. I want to know more about it and will followup by visiting your website. I use to think the shadow was the yin, but after reading about your shadow work, i have a new perspective on it, because ~ yes ~ our shadow is always there, and it seems more a matter of choosing the negative or positive action or thought or response. While reading this article, it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes: 
   “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ {from “Man’s Search for Meaning” by DR. VIKTOR FRANKL, Holocaust survivor}
Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to reading & studying more from you @sarahneanbruce 

Rebecca

Great article!

urooj shahid

Please take me in this online course. I really need to work towards positivity, going through tough times. and amazing post, loved it! 🙂

MarianneS70

Shadow work is intense and very well worth it! Thank you tiny buddha!  You always elegantly express these lessons!

Emily33girl

It is through others that we are able to see a true reflection of ourselves…
Thank you,
Emily

This is exactly what I have been doing – the spiritual athlete – this has really spoken to me.

Thank you x