“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron
As a child, anxious thoughts stopped me from doing a lot of stuff, so I missed out on sleepovers, parties, and scout camps some of the time.
Anxiety whispered in my ear that it was always better to avoid, and so it became easy to convince myself I didn’t really want to do whatever was on offer. I now recognize those thoughts and don’t let them influence my choices.
I remember as a teenager I went to a carvery with my friends, and when I queued up for my food I didn’t see the roasted potatoes. When I sat down I saw all my friends had roasted potatoes, and they were surprised I had none.
The restaurant was full, and I felt too anxious to queue up again because I thought that people would look at me, which sounds crazy to me now, but I remember it very clearly.
In reality, no one would have cared or even noticed had I got up and got some potatoes! My anxious thoughts forced me to go without.
Making decisions has always made me feel anxious, as I constantly worried about what other people would think, and always allowed my anxiety about doing stuff to influence my decisions.
Anxiety for me brings up feelings of helplessness, dread, and resistance. Helpless, as my anxious thoughts lead me to avoid what I want to do. Dread, as anxiety often makes things seem a lot worse than they really are. Anxiety has led me to resist many things I wanted to do and also to do many things I didn’t want to do.
Dealing with Anxiety
When I was eighteen I had the lead role in a play in a local theatre. I had never performed in front of many people before, so this was a huge deal for me. To my surprise, when the first night came I was not anxious but really excited and happy.
This was a major turning point for me, and I realized it was because we had rehearsed and practiced so much that I was totally convinced it was going to be a success.
At university, presentations made me feel highly anxious. People would often comment that as I had done some acting, presentations should be easy for me. That definitely wasn’t true.
Public speaking is a very common fear and is something that I tried to avoid at all costs. After I finished university I did a master’s degree, and it was around this time I started to get interested in personal development. My book collection grew as I discovered the vast number of books that could help you with issues like anxiety.
I began to realize that, even though I often had anxious thoughts, they didn’t have to control my choices and behavior.
Now when I have anxious thoughts they often make me laugh, because I recognize them for what they are: just random thoughts from a part of my brain that never wants to do anything challenging or move out of my comfort zone.
In the past, I was always worried about the future and never really focused on the present moment. Being mindful of what’s going on right now, and recognizing that thoughts are natural occurrences that you can choose to focus on or not, has really helped me to let go of my anxious thoughts and negative predictions about the future.
As I studied personal development, I learned that you can change your mental state through your physiology, your body language, breathing, and speech.
Making sure I stand up straight, control my breathing, speak clearly, and say positive phrases with real intensity changes my state. I do this when I am mindful that I have become worked up by some situation, and the anxiety of it is starting to affect me.
Being aware of my thoughts and feelings, being mindful, and living in the present moment helps me live with my anxious thoughts. Changing my state has enabled me to get back to that feeling I had before going on stage, prior to activities which would have made me feel anxious in the past.
After I finished my Master’s degree, I was astonished when my tutor invited me back to do some lecturing on the course I had just completed. I realized how far I had progressed in terms of dealing with anxious thoughts. And even though I immediately experienced some anxiety, I was able to realize that this was a wonderful opportunity for me, and that I would accept.
During the following months, there were many times when I thought about the lectures and began to feel anxious. Each time I focused on how grateful I was to have the opportunity and what an amazing learning experience it would be. When I accepted that it would be a wonderful experience whether it went according to plan or not, I felt even more enthusiastic about it.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” ~Samuel Beckett
It seems to me that, like many others, much of my anxiety is born out of a fear of failing and being judged by other people.
Since I started studying self-development and reading about people like Honda and Edison who failed over and over again, and attributed those failures to their success, I have become less afraid of failing. Failure is an important step toward being successful and the best way to learn valuable lessons.
Another of the most important outcomes of coping with anxious thoughts has been that the more often I deal with them, the less afraid of them I become and the fewer I experience.
That doesn’t mean I still don’t experience anxious thoughts from time to time, but if anxiety starts to build up, I address the cause of it straight away and do something positive to help the situation rather than avoiding. For example, before my first lecture I joined Toastmasters and made some speeches there, which helped prepare me and gave me confidence in my own ability.
The most important lesson I’ve learned is that it is possible to experience anxiety without letting it play a major role in our lives. We can have anxious thoughts without letting anxiety control us.
Photo by lian xiaoxiao
About Rhydian Fairfax
Rhydian Fairfax is a young Life Coach and founder of the personal development company Thought Support. He lives and works in Cardiff, UK, and is passionate about helping others to lead a meaningful life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Rhydian
just loved the way you shared your own experience. Its the post like these which connect with us on deep level.
Thanks Vishal, I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Hi Rhydian, this mirrors what’s happening to me right now. Long story short, next month I have to do a public speech at university instead of my boss. This would be an introductory speech to a case study I wrote, in english, which is not my first language. At first I thought it was a chore and I was anxious then I started seeing this as the opportunity I’ve been waiting for a long time. I have a degree in foreign languages and literatures and whenever I speak english everybody tells me I’m really good at it, but you know what? I often feel self conscious, like I am not good enough, and I get anxious. Things got better with time, especially when I began focus on the fact that being understood is what matters the most, because nobody is checking my spelling or grammar while I talk. This is a period of deep renovation within myself, for a lot of reasons, and I want to take this opportunity as a gift, as a way to learn even more about myself and the way I can stop anxiety to stop me achieving what is important to me. Thank you, I’ll print your post and pin it on the fridge as a reminder 🙂
Great post, I love this:
“Now when I have anxious thoughts they often make me laugh, because I recognize them for what they are, just random thoughts of a part of my brain that never wants to do anything challenging or move out of my comfort zone.”
Me too. My first step was to start exercising, start meditating, and change my inner dialogue. I no longer “have anxiety”, but rather I simply “worry too much”. For me, the latter sounds less ‘clinical’ and helps me to feel more ‘normal’, and in the end just LAUGH at my unrealistic worries as you say. For some reason, it’s easier for me to deal with ‘worrying’, than with ‘anxiety’. It’s all about that inner dialogue.
I am reading a good book called “Buddha’s Book of Stress Reduction” by Joseph Emet and he recommends setting up waste bins, for stuff “out of my control” and stuff “in my control”. I do that in my mind, and a lot of things get thrown into the out basket. The rest, I can handle when I am not worrying about the stuff that is out of my control.
Peace!
First of all you’re English sounds like it’s very good indeed! Seeing it as an opportunity instead of a chore is a great way to think about it and that will definitely reduce your anxiety. If you’re grateful then it’s easier to look at stuff in a positive manner. Good luck with your presentation and let me know how it goes!
Awesome!! came to me in the perfect moment!! Lovely!!
thank you very much for sharing this I really needed this…I enjoyed it very much and I would like to know more 🙂 please let us know if there is a book or further readings would much appreciate it 🙂
Rhydian- Nice post, we all experiences different issues in life and we could not avoid them, but we have choices how will we react.
Love your post Rhydian! Very inspirational and real. Best wishes on your journey to self-improvement.
fantastic post! i can relate to many of your experiences, especially the potatoes! i used to dread ordering food at places where you stand in line and tell them all the ingredients you want on your sandwich/burrito/etc. i would get flustered making decisions so quickly when surrounded by other people, and yes, even worry the judged my choices in food! this anxiety pervaded when making more important decisions as well. one of the ways i have overcome anxiety in decision-making is related to your idea of allowing failure be part of the process. i would make decisions without letting myself overthink them, and then accept them for what they were, even if the outcome wasn’t ideal. obviously important decisions require more thought than trivial ones, but still, allowing myself to make decisions without fear of judgment or making the wrong choice was the best way to boost my confidence. thanks for sharing again!
Hey Sean, those are excellent steps to take. Does the meditation help you a lot? I agree the way you talk to yourself can make a big difference, especially not over exaggerating things. The waste bin sounds like an interesting technique and i’ll definitely check out that book, thanks. Out of everything I’ve tried, the best thing has definitely been focusing on what I can control and accepting the thing’s I can’t control. Cheers.
Thanks Veronica 🙂
I agree, you always have a choice of how to react to any situation and the more you can control your reactions the happier you can be!
Yes, meditation + exercise helps me! I love yoga because it’s a combination of both at once 🙂
Peace!
Hey Kelly! It’s amazing when you find something that fits into what you’re currently going through, I’m so happy that this has helped you.
Thanks Ekanost, I know exactly how you feel, my orders in fast food places used to often be wrong because I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible! It sounds like you’ve made real progress with you’re decision making, congratulations.
Thank you!..
Great post Rhydian. Your courage to face your anxiety and work through letting it go, is very inspiring. I can relate to a lot of what you have shared and remember those feelings well. Your words will encourage and give others great hope to let go of their fears.
Karen
We all have been facing this kind of situation before, it has so much similarities.
Rhydian, thanks.. its somehow very inspiring.
Thank you for this Rhydian. I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and reading this really helps to put things in perspective. Despite knowing that my thoughts are simply thoughts, etc. etc., I’ve still been letting them control me. I’m typically stubbornly independent and don’t like to be given orders, yet I still allow my anxious thoughts to bully me around. But something about the way you’ve phrased things here drives the message home more than other things I’ve read. Maybe I just needed to hear it 1,001 times before it sunk in, but whatever the case, your encouragement to “stand up straight, control my breathing, speak clearly, and say positive phrases with real intensity” really hit home. I’m eager to try this out the next time anxiety stops by for a visit. Something tells me I won’t be as much of a pushover 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it Roelof!
Hey Karen, that’s really nice, thank you!
Thank you Tsuki, if this article can inspire others then that is great!
Sometimes you thoughts get the better of you and it’s important to not let it get you down and to make sure you carry on. It sounds like you’re prepared for the future! Good luck.
Hey Anet, there are two free e-books on my blog and there are some more articles about dealing with your own thoughts.
Great post Rhydian. In my opinion we all have sensed that anxiety. And by the way, number one fear in the world is the fear of public speaking. Number two is death 🙂 It means you’ve overcome the worst fear in life!
When anxiety is triggered, it’s a part of us that is afraid something bad is going to happen or a young part of us that was hurt might get triggered (like the day the kids made fun of us the first time we had to do public speaking in grade school).
To lessen the anxiety it might help to access that young part that was originally hurt and talk to it and update it on all that you have accomplished. Let it know that there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. You are a grown adult now. This can calm anxiety part down.
Thank you for that. It was very helpful.
Currently anxious .don know when will overcome But love to join this forum which i beleive the team can assisy
I was doing this too, Come to think of it I was acting a lot like George McFly did in BTTF; “What if they say No? I don’t think I can take that kind of a rejection.” I was avoiding drawing because of it, Until I learned it is OK to make mistakes and I started drawing more.
How about unconscious anxiety? or anxiety where its cause is unidentified?
I made it, and it went very well indeed! Actually the presentation turned out to be the easier part as I had to do much more during the whole week, like helping students with their project, attending to their presentations and asking questions about the work done. I felt really appreciated for what I did, and I really appreciate all my efforts now: I’ll keep this experience in mind because anxiety was still there at times, but it didn’t prevent me to express my abilities. A big thank to you Rhydian, your words really helped me!
Luigi
nice to encounter your article esp. right now im experiencing anxiety coz i be competing for district contest in toastmasters… im inspired again..
I needed this article immensely. Anxiety ruled my life and I’m weary of it. I just want to live and be happy without all the insecurity and worry!
I’m so happy for you Luigi! Well done. Being really busy in the lead up to something you’re worried about can help sometimes as it takes away some of the focus you put on it. Good luck in the future.
Thanks Nikola, I feel more proud of myself now!
I’m glad you found it helpful David
That’s good to hear Austin, good luck with your drawing and don’t worry about other people’s opinions.
If the cause of your anxiety can’t be identified then it is best to seek professional help.
Congratulations Ramces on the competition, I hope this article can help you do your best! I’ve also competed in a district contest and even though I was nervous it was a great experience, let me know how you get on.
My best tip would be to focus on the present moment and the things that you are grateful for in your life. I’m glad the article helped you.
That’s an interesting idea Emily and I will try it out next time I feel anxious about something!
I am very happy I found this post. I’ve been struggling with anxiety since my childhood. Last year I had a setback in my university studies because of anxiety problems. Now I really want to work on these problems to overcome them. Your post has been really precious and helpful to me. Thank you so much!
I’m so glad this post helped you! Good luck with working on your problems!
Thank You for this article, it helps change my perspective, apreciate it.