“Getting over a past relationship is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis
I recently stumbled into a clothing store where everything was full of life and color, until I saw the sales clerk.
She had obviously been crying. I perused the merchandise and hesitatingly asked her a question about an item. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said, “I’m sorry, I’m so overwhelmed. My boyfriend just broke up with me.”
I wasn’t prepared for that answer, but as I looked at her more closely I saw my former self in her eyes.
I had, in fact, been that same heartbroken girl a few years back. I can still picture my ex-boyfriend standing in his driveway just before the July 4th holiday, me with tears in my eyes. He simply said, “I’m sorry, I can’t be what you want” and got into his car to drive off to the beach.
Talk about devastation. I felt paralyzed, thinking, who will love me now? How can I continue life without being part of a relationship? What is my status?
It took a while, but I did manage to get through that hurt. Here are some of the small steps that I took to learn how to love my life, regardless of being single or in a relationship.
Give yourself a period to grieve, and then set an alarm to get moving again.
Just like the sales clerk, I cried until my eyes were blurry. I refused to see my friends and family, and I sent every phone call straight to voicemail. I even stopped eating because I lost my appetite.
That was okay for the first three days, but then I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that it was time to start functioning again. So, I literally set an alarm clock and chose the date and time that I would pick myself up off of my couch and return to the land of the living.
Obviously, relationships take time to heal and we have every right to mourn their endings, but once the grief consumes us to the point that we lose productivity, there is a danger of it leading into a much darker place, or even a depression.
So when that alarm went off I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and decided that even if I simply made it to the grocery store that day, or took a walk in the park, it was better for me than sitting home to sulk.
Of course, I still had bouts of tears and got down at times, but at least I was out of a place where I would solely focus on my pain. After a while my grief was still there, but it began to lessen.
Find a cause that captures your heart and throw yourself into helping.
I always wanted to adopt a dog, so I sought out a pet rescue organization online and adopted my very own dog. She was a handful, and the first week alone she broke out of her crate, howled all night long, and needed to be walked every fifteen minutes.
I was exhausted, but prioritizing her needs above mine forced me to stop concentrating on my problems. Occasionally, I sent the rescue organization photos to show how well she was progressing, and they asked me to write an article for their newsletter.
Before I knew it, I was volunteering my marketing skills to post Facebook and Twitter updates about adoption events, collecting old bed sheets and towels for other animals in need, and advising other families on pet rescue. To this day, that is the cause that captured my heart and helped me to become a passionate advocate of pet rescue.
Be open to the power of saying “yes.”
As much as I was embarrassed at my newfound single status, I wondered what would happen if I decided to embrace the break-up as if I had chosen it. Then I made a decision to accept social invitations and say “yes” whenever possible.
I had a blast that summer! My days and nights were full of activities ranging from dog park meet-ups to planning an art exhibition, learning to plant flower boxes, and doing country karaoke at a local dive bar. Suddenly, I loved the power and thrill of saying “yes,” because I never knew where it would lead.
A couple of years later, my neighbor invited me and seven of her friends (none of whom I knew) on a girls weekend trip. I said “sure, what the heck?” That same weekend I ended up meeting my current boyfriend, and I eventually relocated from Boston to Miami.
Now we live together with his children and my rescue dog is our family pet. If you have a little faith in the unknown and are open to saying yes, you never know what path it can take you down.
Take your ego out of your hurt to make an “I” statement.
Oftentimes, at the end of relationships we over-analyze them, letting our egos get in the way, and asking ourselves, “What could I have done to make him/her stay?” or “What qualities didn’t I have that he/she wanted?”
Try writing every question down that you still have about the relationship. Then re-phrase it from your point-of-view. For example, my ex-boyfriend said, “I can’t be what you want,” so I wrote down “Can he be what I want in a boyfriend?”
Doing so made it so obvious to me that we fell into a relationship where we were simply going with the flow. I realized that I wanted a partner who was seeking a long-term commitment and wasn’t afraid to verbalize that up-front.
In changing my outlook on my past relationship I eventually got to spend time getting to know and falling in love with my own life. Regardless of if I am single or with a partner, my relationship status no longer defines me, and that is freeing.
Happy woman in the rain image via Shutterstock
About Tomeeka Farrington
Tomeeka is here to help you connect with your inner superhero. She is the principal and founder of Spotlight Communications, a Boston + Miami-based marketing communications agency. When she's not saving the world as a Wonder Woman, you can find her on the yoga mat, writing, coaching and at the park with her sidekick, Roxie, the Boxer. Visit her at WonderWomantales.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“I realized that I wanted a partner who was seeking a long-term commitment and wasn’t afraid to verbalize that up-front.” Sometimes they say they want a long term committed r’ship up front, and then a year into it (or less, or more) they decide they don’t. That’s what happened to me and 4 months after the breakup I’m still struggling. We are both in our 50s, both said we’d “waited our whole lives for each other” (that’s how good we knew it was), and both wanted the same thing–to love and be loved, and stay together. Yet out of nowhere a year later, he ended it. Commitmentphobes come in all guises. Sometimes you can do everything right, i.e. discuss the right things, etc., think you have the same goals and values..and someone will still throw you under the bus. I feel I will never find anyone again, unless I settle, and I will not settle.
I can’t help but feel that the last paragraph would have been different if you were still single.
Best thing to do is to forgive -no matter what -and wish that person well. You once loved each other -let that love carry on but allow yourself to move on. It wasn’t meant to be. If you carry around the hurt and anger it will paralyze you for the rest of your life. I do understand as I’ve been there several times in my life (and did not get married until I was 37). Realizing that there are zillions of people on this earth -not everyone is a match in the end. Best to wish your loved one well and to live your life. I totally understand the pain is horrible -but after you give yourself time to grieve and heal, this is what I found to really help me move on in a healthy way.
Hi Daniela, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I totally agree that time heals all wounds and although it often sounds so cliche and can feel so time consuming when you are going through the pain, time can help you put things into perspective and to grieve, heal and forgive. Thanks for your feedback!
Violeta, appreciate your comment. To answer your question, that last paragraph would still be the same. When we met I was single and planning to spend the rest of my life single (by choice) after a series of failed relationships. Having someone come into my life was a pleasant surprise, but by then I had learned to love myself first and that’s what made me happy. Life will flow for us whether we are single or in a relationship, the key is to enjoy and embrace it to the fullest, regardless. Good luck to you!
Requin, thanks for sharing your story. Yes, I have been in that same situation also, as you read 🙁 Unfortunately sometimes people get into relationships and realize what’s required and just can’t commit to it. Four months isn’t very long and I hope you are giving yourself lots of time to heal, love yourself and using this time to process what you are seeking in the next relationship. You are right to never settle and stay true to what you are seeking. It’s out there. I wish you lots of luck and positivity!!
my Aunty Sienna recently got a new blue BMW M6 Coupe by working part time online… see this page Pay-Review.com
Good read!
Thank you for sharing 🙂
My point is… it’s far easier to say “my relationship status no longer defines me” once you’re in a healthy relationship, than when you see all your friends get engaged/married and you can’t help but wonder what on Earth is wrong with you.
You need to work on your perspectives because your attitudes are unhelpful right now. If you’re believing something’s “wrong with you” then you will show up weak and end up sabotaging your own attempts to create what you want in life.
Inherent in your comment is you thinking you’re “right” about the “fact” that people who haven’t currently made the choices that have led to a healthy relationship “ought” to be less positive about their situation / themselves. This mentality is, in my opinion, a poor excuse to justify an unhelpful frame.
As an example, I am not in a relationship, but I do NOT think I am “worse” than anybody else, NOR do I think that “my relationship status defines me” (to me, I regard that comment as RIDICULOUS and ABSURD, not to mention totally inaccurate).
I have the perspective that my value as a human being is equal to others, and actually I’ve just this morning had a few really exciting insights into something that I reckon will give me more of an edge when it comes to encounters that could lead to deeper relationships. I’ve also had some realizations about frames I had in my mind that weren’t helping me as they were demonizing people who have qualities / skills I wish to possess, etc. So my perspectives allow me greater freedom, clarity and the ability to create what I want.
You can sit about feeling sorry for yourself, but you will NOT create the life you want unless you decide to take action, take charge, change your reality and get moving doing so. And pretending that people who are single are somehow “inherently more likely to be pessimistic about themselves” is *NOT* the way to do that.
If however, you want to create what you want in life, have more fun, find deeper relationships etc., then maybe do some work from the inside out on the way you’re seeing and conceptualizing things, and the way you’re showing up in life. Then notice how easy it is to truly transcend the old, negative patterns and find yourself effortlessly communicating in a way which reveals how much more confident and positive you could become now…
Sure. Because I can “create” someone else falling in love with me.
Thank you for reading, Marilyn!
In life, there are areas in which we have power, and areas in which we don’t.
Some people habitually focus on where they don’t have power…this is essentially a ‘victim’ mindset, which causes them to become washed around by the tides of life. They become extremely ‘subject to’ external forces and the power is ‘out there’. These people will say things like, “if other people find me attractive, then that’s great…if not, then I’m screwed”. Notice that they are giving their power to other people and then allowing that to dictate how THEY show up.
This is weak and these people will feel like they’re victims to reality.
Then there are people who focus on what they want to create and get busy making it happen. Their interest lies in where they have influence, power and the areas where they can shape their reality. I’ll give you an example: instead of saying “people are never interested in me…boo hoo”, they might think, “what can I do now to become a more effective communicator?”, “how can I become more attractive to people without losing my authenticity and integrity?” and so on. Not only that but these people are owners rather than victims. They own their reality. Other people don’t dictate how they show up in life, THEY do.
While you can’t make somebody fall in love with you, you CAN do a LOT to influence the creation and unfolding of relationships. Some people are really really good at creating meaningful relationships. This isn’t an accident – they likely have a set of perspectives and behaviours that, if you learned from and incorporated into your own life in a way that suited you, would really make a big difference to how you showed up in life.
Not only that, but if you show up going in your mind, “oh im so unattractive oh no nobody loves me i cant bear it” then you will COMMUNICATE that on some level, whether it’s blatant or simply just affects small parts of your communication it will be there and get in your way.
Toss out that nonsense self-talk, because if you show up with more powerful perspectives, such as “I’ll see what I can create in this moment, I’d like to create feelings of rapport and wellbeing, and a relaxed environment” and “people liking / disliking me or finding me attractive or not is totally irrelevant to who I am and what I am interested in creating now”, then your communication will be transformed. You’ll be sub-communicating power and a sense of being comfortable that will change the vibe and how you show up.
You can sit about blaming everybody else and ‘the world at large’, but it’s much better imo to focus on what YOU can do to maximize your ability in creating the relationships you want. Then you’re focusing on where you have power, where you can shape reality, where you have influence, and so on. I’ll give you an example of where you have a lot of power: in your own mind, in your own communication, your own perspectives, frames, behaviours, habits, etc. You have some influence to shape how other people think but not much at all, so this is not a useful thing to focus on. It’s especially useful to stop judging yourself based on whether or not people think you’re this or that. It’ll just wreck your attempts to communicate well.
So, your choice. Be a victim and complain about how unfair life is, or get active and start choosing and focusing on what it is you want to create in your life. I know what I choose.
what will you advise to someone like me who is married but the guy kept on calling and still saying i love you but then i knew deep inside me that it no longer genuine?how can i move on?
Hey Violeta,
I know that feeling! The ‘wedding summers’ have just started for me and I find it so overwhelming because I know I am just so not ready for that!
I think I find relief in just recognizing that we are not all on the same path. There is no perfect timeline. Growing up I always felt like I should get married around 26 because that’s what my mother did. It took a lot of time for me to accept that maybe I’ll be ready at 26 and maybe I won’t. And either way, there’s nothing wrong with it. There is no perfect timeline of life where if you get all your ducks in a row at the right time, you win. Every single person, whether or not they are married, single or not, is doing the best they can. They are fighting their own hard battle. Some of those people who are engaged may be fighting incredibly hard battles and would even be envious of your situation. We can’t judge one another and compare ourselves to others that way. All we fuel is resentment.
By changing your number, or paying $4.95 to start Trapcall, blacklist his Godforsaken phone number, and live the rest of your life free from his emotional blackmail and tyranny. Come on, girl. He knows what he’s doing. You’re spare kitty. You’re better than being his spare kitty. Leave him. Cut it off. Technology is your friend. Google Trapcall and join it. Task completed.
THAT is how you move on.
That is, if you really want to, and are not just wanking us all and yourself by pretending you want to. Your next steps will define which it is.
I need an advice..should I breakup with my BF who gives exam references to a girl he knows I’m jelous of? 🙁 He said he doesn’t want karma to hit him back that’s why he Gives.
I didn’t give myself time to cry or grieve , because I been in shock…
He was this kind of person who like to be harsh on me sometimes to be strong, who can disappear to makes me depend on myself..
He used to tell me he stopped holding my hands but he was always on my back ,,,
and He officially broke up with me.. with a final email .. And I lived 2 months couldn’t believe it.. and couldn’t cry.. like cutting into pieces inside me.. part of me deny it was the truth, part of me want to break free of this pain..
after four months .. Now I realized he is gone and never coming back.. But I can’t cry still.. just a painful headache hits me when I think about him ..
so giving myself time to be sad,, I couldn’t, but I’m working on moving on.. focusing on my work and my Master degree.. being healthy .. trying to hold into positive things even there is much pain inside me..
is this pain will go away ? even if I couldn’t cry ..
I’m trying to forgive him too.. it just couldn’t believe his actions in the whole year we been in relationship with his final email ..
all I care about now.. is myself.. how could i be whole again? how can I get rid of this pain and little tears in my eyes when I remember him..?
am I moving on the right way ? or I started wrong by not forcing myself to go down and cry ?
I just refuse to see negative, refuse to live in pain and make myself feel pity
now I’m not sure if I been right to fight this pain or mistaken …
Any advice please?
Thank you
I want &to show this great internet job opportunity… 3 to 5 hrs of work /a day… Once a week payment… Bonus opportunities…Payscale of 6-9 thousand dollars /a month… Merely several h of your free time, desktop or laptop, elementary knowledge of www and reliable internet-connection is what is needed…Have a visit to my disqus_profile for more info