“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.” ~Khalil Gibran
I recently travelled to Malaysia for a friend’s wedding where I spent four delicious days communing with wild monkeys and feasting on sticky rice. The people were kind and warm, the culture rich, the trip magical.
On my last day in Kuala Lumpur, I was headed out to buy souvenirs for family and friends when I stumbled across the most beautiful temple—filled with ornate gold and red statues, air thick with sweet-smelling smoke.
I wandered around, overcome with majesty, trying to breathe it all in. I was still under the temple’s spell when someone spoke to me.
“Your dress is ugly.”
I looked to my right where the voice had come from. A woman was sitting on a bench, not looking in my direction.
“Sorry?” I said, thinking I must have misheard. She waved me off.
I stood there for a moment, trying to decide on a course of action. She was American, the first and only other American I’d met during my trip.
Had she really just said my dress was ugly? It was a simple blue affair, uncomplicated and perfect for traveling. Maybe she said my dress was pretty, I thought. I must have misunderstood.
The hurt and confusion was rising to a crescendo in my head. But if I’ve learned anything over the last few years, it’s that we all have a choice of how we choose to respond to what we are given. I chose to engage.
“Did you just say my dress is ugly?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “I did.”
I took a deep breath and replied, calmly, “Why would you say that to me?”
“I’m entitled to my opinion,” she said. “Your dress is ugly; I can tell it’s not well made. Your purse is dirty. I am free to voice my thoughts and those are my thoughts about you.”Â
To say it felt like getting slapped in the face would be an understatement; it was more of a punch to the gut. My blood boiled, my heart raced, and still I kept my voice at an even keel.
“You are entitled to your own opinion,” I said. “But we also live in congress with other human beings. Why would you say something so aggressive and unkind?”
At which point she reiterated her insults. Her words sliced coolly into the way I looked and the clothes I wore. That’s when I said the one thing I regret saying.
“I wish there were fewer Americans like you traveling abroad,” I told her. “You give the rest of us a bad name.”
I turned and walked away, and she yelled one more barb at my back as I walked out of the temple. I didn’t turn around.
My hands were shaking as I walked down the street. I felt a strange knot of emotions in my chest: hurt, anger, fear.
I was irrationally terrified that I would run into her again, that she would be sitting in the seat next to me on my flight home and I would be subjected to seventeen hours of her cruelty, unable to escape.
But most of all I felt baffled. Why did this woman choose to attack me? Why had she said what she said?
I couldn’t call my boyfriend, who was back in our sunny home in California, or my best friend in DC—both of whom were sound asleep halfway across the world. So I was left to process what had happened on my own, in a foreign country, without my normal triumvirate of “healthy coping mechanisms”: yoga, conversation, tea.
And here’s what it all came down to: kindness.
I had just read the wonderful convocation address given by George Saunders to the Syracuse class of 2013. George talks about something he calls a “failure of kindness,” and those three words were very much on my mind.
Yes, you could say I had suffered from a failure of kindness. But what I realized was that I, too, had been unkind.
I wish I hadn’t said what I said to her. That came from a place of being wounded, of feeling the need to fight back. I wish I had said: “I hope the people you meet are kind.”
Because I do hope that for her. I hope that she is bathed in loving-kindness, that she is inundated with so much that she cannot help but share it with the world.
While it’s true that kindness engenders kindness, the lack of it can be a powerful teacher.
For my remaining hours in Kuala Lumpur, I was abundantly kind to everyone I met. I complimented a girl on her joyful spirit, told shop owners how beautiful their merchandise was, smiled widely and genuinely. I made a point to be kind to these warm, generous people who had so kindly shared their country with me.
And every time I was shown kindness, no matter how small, I felt immeasurably grateful.
That woman gave me a great gift. She reminded me that we all have a choice to be kind, and we are presented with that choice many times a day.
Say a kind word to someone you don’t know.
It doesn’t have to be an eloquent oration—a simple compliment can make someone’s day. If you like a man’s tie or a woman’s necklace, tell them so. And if you are struck by someone’s personality or spirit, thank them for it.
Write a note to someone you appreciate.
Tell a co-worker, family member, or friend what you appreciate about them. Don’t hold back. These are the sorts of gifts people treasure, often keeping that little slip of paper (or Facebook post) for many years to come.
Tip someone who doesn’t normally get tips.
This was easy in Malaysia, where tipping is rare—one young woman was so happy she went dancing down the hall. Tipping can be a great way to show people you are grateful for their service. I still remember the night I gave $10 to a tired young man at a Taco Bell drive-thru. His eyes lit up like fireflies.
We’ve all committed failures of kindness when we are hurt, angry, or tired. But each of us holds within us the power to achieve triumphs of kindness every day.
Photo by Robert Vitulano
About Bree Barton
Bree is a freelance writer living in Pasadena with her boyfriend and little black dog. She has ghostwritten a handful of books and penned articles under her own name for USA Today, LA Times, and Huffington Post. She’s also got an exciting young adult novel in the works, so stay tuned.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Life is too small for hatred. Love is God and God is love.To be polite to others and pray for their well being is Spiritualism.
Great post Bree
Thank you for this. I have a terrible predisposition to utterly destroy those who attack me in this way. It threatens me to my core and I am trying to discover why. Spreading kindness off of the back of an insult sounds like a much more fulfilling activity and one that I can choose as opposed to the reactions that usually leap from my lips in anger uncontrollably.
Your post was refreshing and reminded me I am not alone in this world. Growing up in the deep South, I was raised to love and respect others and to above all be kind. Life’s reality, however, is unusually harsh and cold. I find myself surrounded on a day to day basis by unkind bullies. As a 43 year old mother of 3 beautiful, kind children, I find the way others treat me repugnant. My greatest gift to myself in times where I feel so sad and hurt is to say something my grandmother alwasy said to me as a reply: “Jesus loves you.” It alwasy stops them dead in their tracks, confusion littered upon their ignorant faces. And I just smile and go on about my day knowing that I didn’t give them the negative encounter or reponse they were hoping for to justify their dislike of me.
Thank you for this healthy reminder. I had a rough weekend where I felt some unkindness directed towards me. This helps put some things into perspective.
Bree, thank you for your wonderful blog. I’d like to disagree though. I think what you said to her was perfect. If we let cruel people “get away with” their cruelty, we signal to them that what they did was “ok”. She would not have respected your act of kindness (had you said what you thought about later). She would have considered you weak and it would have gone over her head that you were being the bigger person. Truly cruel people only understand a taste of their own medicine. I hope that she meets only kind people also. But I also wish that people like her wouldn’t travel and give people like you a bad reputation.
i do sometimes give compliments to strangers, and you’re right, their faces can light up….because i’m quite shy and introverted i make a point of always chatting to the person manning the till in shops while i’m packing my groceries….i feel it’s a thankless job and i’m sure they get all manner of rude and impatient people in their queue, so it’s nice when they respond as if they are pleased someone is taking the time to ask them about their day for a change……but equally so i do get some people who will act suspiciously when i give a compliment as if i’m wanting something, but the truth is i’m just giving a compliment for compliment sake.
thank you for sharing your story bree!
Thank you so much for sharing Bree. I’m sure your dress was beautiful. Love and light.
I respectfully disagree 🙂
I think that what Bree would go back and say in hindsight would have a better chance of putting the woman’s unkindness into perspective than an aggressive retort. Had Bree responded with that sort of kindness in return, would you consider that this woman would have “gotten away with” anything?
I don’t, not at all. Such a response would, I think, deny this woman whatever emotional reward she sought in being so aggressive. I feel the kind approach would look beyond the act and see that this woman must herself be suffering to wish to inflict unkindness on a stranger in such a beautiful place.
Her behavior is a sure sign of self-loathing and unhappiness. Once we notice that other people’s behavior toward the world is a reflection of themselves, we can then know how to respond. She’s hateful, angry, and was looking for a fight and you gave her what she wanted. Maybe next time you can kill her with kindness. That will shut her up.
What that woman said to you about your dress says more about her than the state of your dress and purse. Hurt people hurt people…therefore she needs returned kindness more than most of us.
I enjoyed reading your blog. I often wonder why people can be so mean and always come back to the conclusion that what they say is actually a reflection of how bad they are feeling about themselves. They can not bear to admit it to themselves, in fact they probably don’t even know, as they live a shallow life never looking too deeply at themselves. They have to knock someone down in order to build themselves up. I am glad you rejected this sad ladies comment and that it actually enriched your trip. Well done for sorting all this out with out your normal support. Anna x
Maybe you looked really good and she was bitter .. I feel pity for such people because it is really not about what people look like on the outside and she just made herself that much more unattractive no matter how she looked. We do not know what story she has – maybe you resemble someone who really hurt her. Love her, forgive her – she does not deserve it, but you do.
My current awareness is to try to remember we’re all mostly, reacting to our own feelings. This woman’s comment, to my mind, wasn’t about you or your dress, it was a reaction to how she was feeling. At the level of personality this is what we do and at the level of soul, we all agreed to this dance. Spiritual elitism would have us believe we are more spiritual or better people when we’re kind – in fact she seems to have been a great soul as are you. You both kept your sacred agreement to cross paths at that time; trigger one another and give one another an opportunity to respond. We experience ourselves as kind and unkind in the presence of those who are kind or unkind….can we accept ourselves unconditionally in every moment. Can we simply say, next time I’d like to experience myself differently and I’ve made peace with who I was in that moment.
Your journey through that experience ended in a good place. Wise of you to reflect instead of just deflect. Perhaps she was put there to say that to you so you would write this article? Your very own (not-so-kind) tiny buddha!
Being able to respond to unkindness with kindness is a skill I still aspire to, but one I know would benefit both myself and the world. Anger will never resolve anger. Hate will never be healed with more hate. Compassion and love are the only hope in all of these circumstances. Progress is the key. A little less angry, a little more loving. A lot more compassionate with myself and others.
I’m struggling with the same thing right now. I’m trying to be more assertive and aggressive, because I’ve noticed that people trample over me when I exhibit kindness. Just the other day, in the mall, a woman cut right in front of me, in order to enter a shop. I had just glanced into the shop while passing, meaning that I didn’t notice her, almost walking right into her. I stopped short and said “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” but she just glared at me like ‘how dare you be in my way’, even though she was so impatient that she couldn’t just cross behind me. Later, I thought “Why did I do that? Why did I apologize when it clearly wasn’t my fault? It clearly made me look like the weak one.” It isn’t just situations like that. I often feel badly for being honest, because I see so many people getting away with, and benefiting from, being liars, cheats, and thieves. It really shouldn’t be that way.
Loved your note Bree! and came in the right moment cause last month and this experienced two different situations from unkindly people, and now I see these issues more clearly thanks to your story…. I think one has to say what one thinks to an unkind and openly aggressive person but not get caught in anger and feel dismissed. This is the difficult part! But these moments are lessons, no doubt about it, and it depends on us to convert something bad in something positive for the rest of our lives. That is the important matter! thanks!
Bree, this was an absolutely wonderful post. I empathize with you in this situation as I have experienced similar situations myself. Turning your negative experience into an extremely enlightening, uplifting reflection on personal conduct is beautiful.
Wonderful post! In 2005 I realized that of all the things that might seem important to me to be, or appear to be, like smart, efficient, productive, correct, funny, generous, creative, courageous, the MOST important thing was to be kind. Many situations, especially at work, provide opportunities to let these others things dominate one’s actions, which leaves us open to being unkind, usually accidentally, and often without us even realizing it. But in truth, in all situations, nothing ever trumps the importance of being kind, and when we realize that, we can decide to put kindness first.
Awesome post Bree. I can totally identify with your situation and am feeling better after hearing your story and the subsequent lesson you so expertly elucidated. I would have also reacted like you and what you did to that woman at the first instance was a natural reaction, but what you realized later is the victory of your character. A worthy lesson for me and many others. Perhaps, each uncomfortable situation teaches us to admire our good fortune and make us sympathetic towards those who aren’t so lucky.
I love the lesson and your kind attitude to others after the incident. I have found myself in similar situations and reacted the same way to other people afterwards. However, when it came to the rude person I told them to fuck off and consider it an act of karma. You reap what you sow.
Hi Cassia,
I know the feeling! Believe me: the demon of destruction was seething in me, too, and it took will and patience to move through it that day. But you’re right: spreading more kindness ended up being so much more satisfying. Thanks for your kind and honest note!
Hi Learning Yoga,
I’m so sorry to hear about your rough weekend. I can’t see you, so I can’t compliment your hair or your (gorgeous!) spirit, but your note gives me insight into the person you are: and you are kind, and you are beautiful. Thanks for posting, and I hope you’re headed into a brighter week.
Hi Bluebell,
You sound like a gem! I wonder how many people’s days have improved exponentially because of the kindnesses you’ve shown and the compliments you’ve given. You’re right, it can be a thankless job, but from me to you: thank you!
I respectfully disagree. The point is not to “teach someone a lesson” or “give them a taste of her own medicine”. That is simply fighting fire with fire–and that is what gets so many of us in trouble every single day. We aren’t out to change the world or the people in it, but rather to accept it and choose to let in those who make us better. It is not up to us to improve anyone–we must let go of the need to control.
And the truth is, this person likely did not take what she said in a way that taught her a lesson. Instead it probably reinforced her bitterness and pushed her to hate even more. She likely thought, “see–the world is full of mean people, she clearly deserved what I gave her”.
A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine was walking down the street on a sunny day, feeling wonderful after just taking an exam that she felt she aced, when a complete stranger stopped and said to her, “your fatness is disgusting”.
My friend was absolutely shocked. She was numb for a moment but them immediately said, with no anger, but with compassion, “I’m so sorry you aren’t having a good day”, and then she walked off.
She didn’t care how that person responded to her– she just knew in her heart that she returned unkindness with kindness– and that left her feeling wonderful. It also helped her understand that hatefulness likely stems from unhappiness, and it made her grateful that she wasn’t in a place where she felt it was okay to bring another person down.
As it were, the person was absolutely silent in response.
Thank you, Ingrid! It’s been hard to wear that dress, honestly, since it happened, but thanks to your message I’m going to pull it out today, and I’m going to wear the heck out of it. Love and light to you as well—thanks for sharing yours with me.
Why does it make you appear weak? You were courteous while this other person, who likely is unhappy in her life to be so impatient, wasn’t able to extend the same kindness to you. Choose to see it not that you’re weak, but that you extended a kindness to someone who clearlyl doesn’t have enough to give to another.
Ah, altsouli, how different the world would be if we all “killed with kindness.” From now on I may strive to “kiss with kindness” instead. I think this poor woman wanted much more fight than I was willing to give her, but I’m happy I walked away when I did. Thanks for reading!
You hit the nail on the head, WendyMaria! I remember a wise woman telling me exactly that after a bad breakup years ago: “Hurting people hurt people.” And it’s so true. I hope that woman bumps into kindness everywhere she turns today—and I hope you do as well!
Thanks for the kind words, Anna! And for understanding how something sad and hurtful could end up enriching my trip and my experience on this earth. I will absolutely check out your website—thank you for sending. I’m part of a wonderful group called SoulCollage, which could be called “collaging for your soul.” I have truly loved it, and I am so happy there are people like you in the world sharing these creative paths to healing and fulfillment!
I couldn’t agree more, Stephen. Anger is not the answer to anger, hate is not the answer to hate. It’s hard when a human being shows us one of these emotions, because it is our intrinsic desire as empathetic human beings to mirror it back to them. And it is damn HARD to do it differently—but I love that you’re aspiring to do exactly that. Thanks so much for sharing!
What a wonderful post, thank you so much for sharing your story and lesson. It is hard not to want to retaliate when someone insults you–especially if you’re an emotional person such as myself (not only am I quick to get upset, but I’m also quick to get unbelievably happy).
One thing I’ve learned in therapy however is there is something beautiful about waiting to response (to allow emotions to cool) and understanding that communication rarely is effective when barbs are thrown. As you shared, the woman likely took your insult and filed it away in her mental folder as evidence that her unsolicited, cruel opinion is warranted because people are unkind.
Instead, and I admit this is where I would struggle, calmly telling her, “i’m so sorry you’re having a bad day” and then walking away, says so much more. It communicates so much more, and it also allows her to reflect a bit on what she said.
Thank you so much, Laura! I’m happy and grateful my story came at the right time. It’s so hard, isn’t it, seeing things clearly when someone is unkind? I know I walked around Malaysia in a haze, trying so hard to sort out all the feelings buzzing in my head. It’s clear from your message you are someone who can perform that compassionate alchemy of turning something bad into something positive. I’m grateful you’re in the world!
Thank you, scoobycat, for your incredibly generous words. I am so honored you appreciated my post. It’s been hugely enlightening and uplifting for me, too, getting feedback like yours, and feeling like I was able to turn this negative experience into something beautiful. See, you’ve already performed one act of kindness today: you’ve made MY day!
You said it, Anu! Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how the uncomfortable situations in my life have taught me so much more than the comfortable ones. From our pain and hurt come our biggest lessons. I felt a tide of love and gratitude after my conversation with that woman—something I don’t think I would have felt otherwise. And I’m still riding it now, hearing from people like you. Thanks for your thoughtful insight!
Ha! You’re feisty one, Nymeria, and believe you me: plenty of my friends told me they would have responded EXACTLY like you did . . . and that I would have been justified in doing so! I think about that woman sometimes and wonder if she hears “F U” a lot in her daily life. I really do hope she encounters kindness. Thanks for relating to my post and for commenting!
Thanks so much, Rocky. You said it all, really and truly. Love is God, God is love, no matter what you believe or who you are. Thanks for loving my post and sharing your wisdom. I intend to keep on sharing yours.
Ah, do I recognize a Texas “tirmite” in our midst? Thanks for reading, unc. You’re always quick with the comebacks, but you ARE kind, and don’t think you can convince me otherwise! I will continue to reflect instead of deflect, and to write about it all, as a way to process this wild and wacky world!
Amen, seemjay! It sounds like we’re on such a similar path. One by one those other adjectives have taken a back-seat for me in recent years, with kindness taking the wheel. I wouldn’t have privileged kindness above all else in my teens or early twenties, but today I’ve come to appreciate exactly what you said: nothing ever trumps the importance of being kind. Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom!
That’s such great advice, Lee. Thanks for sharing. I’ve thought a lot about that, too: Did I stir up bad memories for her? Did something about the way I looked or the clothes I was wearing remind her of some prior trauma? Forgiveness is an action verb, an ongoing process, and you’re exactly right: it ultimately ends up being a gift for the forgiver. Thanks for being so kind and thoughtful.
Don’t stop being a good person just because someone else wants to be a jerk. There is so much good in taking the high road even when you don’t want to. You really do reap what you sow. Maybe that woman was in the middle of her own harvest…
That was just what I needed to read, thank you. Got a dose of unkindness myself today, and it just freakin’ undid me! Amazing how that can occur. I think that some folks equate being kind to being a doormat, which is not true. One can stand up for oneself and still be kind, and teach by example. Someone who is being unkind is already unhappy and defensive; more words of the same to them will not reach them at all.
Beautiful article! Just this morning I had a conversation with my brother about this. He’s very agressive when he comunicates, often hurt my feelings that I decided not to share important things with him anymore. But today he was open so I took the chance to expose this problem. He told me he didn’t realized he hurt me so much, that he spoke his mind without thinking first. He told me he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. We talked and he promised to change, so we can have a good relationship. It’s so important to be kind, even a smile or a cheerful hello can make someone’s day…
Something similar happened to me a few years ago. My wife and I were visiting our daughter in her new city of Minneapolis. I’d never been there, and we were enjoying being tourists-just walking down the street-when this guy looked me in the eye, and smiling, said “Look at this f’ing cracker walking down the street.” I’m from a small town, and didn’t even know what a cracker was, but I knew it was an insult. I didn’t say anything, and kept walking, but it ruined my whole visit. It still bothers me years later, but I managed to make a joke of it when I told my coworkers back home. I’m not sure if I could have handled it in any other way.
Hi Bree,
Thank you so much for sharing this awkward situation. Been there too! To sit back and say, ok, I send you love and peace is easier said than done, and not say anything. I think sometimes it is important to say something, really important in fact, especially when your inner voice tells you to do so. This voice is not to be confused with the reactionary ego voice, but a guiding voice of sorts.
To her comment: “Your dress is ugly; I can tell it’s not well made. Your purse is dirty. I am free to voice my thoughts and those are my thoughts about YOU.”
I would have liked to have said, “Thank you for your opinion, yes, you are free to voice your opinion, as am I. Thank you for opening up this conversation. Your opinions are about MY CLOTHES, not about ME or WHO I AM. In fact, you know NOTHING about ME, or why I wear these clothes. What is very interesting here, though, is that I now know something about YOU, and WHO YOU ARE. How you judge people that you don’t even know – do you think that is a pretty? I am so sorry for you, I wish you a better perspective, and I am thankful I do not judge like you.”
Thank you for sharing this Bree!
Hugs to you!
What wise words, Karen. You’re right: we kept our sacred agreement, she and I. And while I can’t speak to her experience of our exchange, I know I value the opportunity she gave me to reflect, respond, and recognize. Thanks for reminding me to accept myself (and others) unconditionally in every moment. And thanks for reading Tiny Buddha!
I was raised in the deep South too, Kind Mother! I learned so much about kindness from my Tennessean Mimi and my sweet Texan mom. Today, when I sent my mother this story, I thanked her for teaching me how to show kindness, in ways both big and small. Your children are going to be thanking *you* some day—and I thank you now, for teaching love by example.
Hi Savannah,
Thanks for such a great and thoughtful response! I’m like you: an extremely emotional, empathetic person (HSP!), who absorbs emotions like a sponge and is quick to feel both sad AND happy. And it’s true: it is so hard navigating that fine line between “speaking your truth” and “waiting to respond” (lord knows I’ve debated that one on many a therapist’s couch, ha). I’ll definitely keep your words in mind next time the opportunity presents itself. Thank you!
Ha! Thank you, Tee Teehee—I love that you are going to bat for me. It’s so hard, knowing what truly signifies weakness. Is it dishing up an honest-to-goodness dose of kindness? Or is it serving up a saucy and possibly snarky retort? I don’t think I’m wise enough to know the answer to that question; I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out. Thanks for your cogent and clear-eyed insight!
You’re wise, ToonForever—surely this woman was herself suffering, in ways I can’t even begin to understand. It’s hard to see the human past the act sometimes, especially when the act is so LOUD, and so hurtful. I wish I’d been better able to do that in Malaysia. I love what you’re saying, and I’m grateful you said it!