“I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown
I was diagnosed with clinical depression and prescribed anti-depressants when I was twenty-one years old. I refer to this point in my life as the “Dark Ages.”
Leading up to grad school, I’d suddenly become afflicted with incomprehensible despair.
At seventeen, for the first time (at least for the first time I could remember), I considered suicide. I felt as if life should’ve been more than what it was. I had a deep sense that I was supposed to be contributing something spectacular to the world, to the tune of curing cancer or working with AIDS patients in Africa.
As such, I fell short of my ideal self, and this illusion ravaged my soul. So I emptied a parents’ prescription medication into my palm, retreated into my room, and prepared for my tragic exit.
As I was bringing the pills to my mouth, I heard the ring of an incoming instant message. I’d forgotten to sign offline. This friend of mine spent the next hour or so hearing me out. I was literally saved by the bell.
But my despair kept visiting me like a persistent acquaintance that wanted to be more than friends. By the time I was in grad school, he’d showed himself in and made himself comfortable, asking me how long he could stay this time.
I didn’t have an answer for him because I was getting comfortable playing house with the ole chap, until one day I realized I’d locked myself in with him, condemning myself to be a prisoner in what soon evolved into his house. We were cellmates, he and I.
At times, I felt empty. Only a shell of a person. At other times, I felt overwhelming hopelessness and sobbed without end, uncontrollably and inconsolably.
Still, other times I felt rage over my past, which was stained with childhood sexual abuse. And then there were the times I simply felt like being silent and alone.
I was at the bottom of a shadowy well, and the sunlight above seemed impossibly out of reach. Could I ever climb out of this? I wondered. Or was I doomed to forever suffer this terrible fate, plagued with suicidal ideation, loneliness, and raw debilitating emotions for the rest of my life?
As it were, I found a way out.
It wasn’t easy. I wouldn’t lie to you.
And yes, there are still times when I lose my way and unintentionally trip back into that old, dark well.
But I’m stronger these days, and I’m able to catch a protruding ledge on my way down and hold my weight.
I’m strong enough to climb back out. In fact, I’ve never fallen all the way to the bottom again, but even if I did, I’ve developed an interminable tenacity that will always see me climbing toward the sunlight one more time.
So how did I do it?
First, I freed myself from prison.
That is to say, I owned my story. As I hailed from an evangelical Christian background at the time, it was a struggle to come out with regards to depression (as it is with any giant we face). The doctrine of many such religious institutions asserts that if you only believe enough, pray enough, fast enough, give enough…then your trial will pass.
Miracles certainly can and still do occur, but the problem with such doctrines is the failure to realize that some afflictions are meant to remain with us—whether to assist us with our own personal development or to raise the collective consciousness of those around us.
Further, people often find that they have no reason to own a “sob story.” This is perhaps one of the biggest locks on silence’s prison. We believe only people with certain circumstances deserve to be depressed. If, however, you are successful, loved, and seem to have it all, then what reason have you to feel sad?
Unfortunately, people don’t realize that this is precisely what some forms of the attack take—feeling despair even when there are no external reasons why you should feel that way.
Whatever your cause, the first step in taking the reins back where it concerns your life is to simply own your story and admit to yourself what you feel.
Next, share your story.
I never really saw myself as a potential poster child for sexual abuse survivorship or for mental health. All I knew was that every time I shared my story with someone, I felt my heart cast off a dead weight and become lighter.
Know this: Repression only causes further depression. The more you resist your story, the more you push it deeper into the recesses of your soul, the more likely it is that your depression and silence will take physical manifestation (for me: panic attacks, among other things).
The cure? Share your story. Yes, it will be scary at first, but you’ll soon be amazed by the sense of liberation and freedom that you feel shortly afterward. Share it with a friend. A family member. A support group. Share it on an online forum. Share it below in the comments if you’d like. Just share it!
When we do away with silence, we not only free ourselves from its prison but we build community with each other and force loneliness to dissolve.
Lastly, declare war.
I had to make a decision. Was I going to let depression collar me up and take me out for walks whenever it so chose, or was I going to reverse roles and become the master of my own life?
Was I going to fight this?
Was I going to throw ropes down that old familiar well so that on days when I did trip and fall in, I’d have something to hold on to?
Yes, I decided. I was. I owed it to myself. Because I was worthy. Because I deserved love. Because I deserved peace. And so do you.
Our wars, like any war out there, are fraught with countless battles. It’s also entirely a trial-and-error type of warfare you’ll be enacting. Sometimes you’ll be on the offense; sometimes on the defense. Sometimes you’ll feel winded with defeat; other times you’ll feel high with triumph.
What’s important to remember is that everyone is different. What works for one person may not work for you. What works for you for one season may not work in the next.
You have to commit to continually finding new weapons and keeping the ones that are most effective. My own arsenal has consisted of things like: yoga, meditation, breath work, community, hobbies, exercise, professional help, medication, music, and more.
And my encouragement to you would be to try all of these things and then some, and constantly evaluate and assess their impact on you.
But what I most what you to remember, my sweet kindred soul, is that you are so much more than a diagnosis; and more importantly, you are not alone.
I stand with you—as do millions of others around the world. And I believe hope can be yours. I believe, in fact, that hope already lives inside of you.
It’s the voice deep in your heart that keeps you going, day after day. It’s what compelled you to even read this post. It’s the stirring up inside of you that wonders at a brighter tomorrow.
Together, I believe we can combine the energy of our individual hopes until they come an unstoppable cosmic force that not even the most relentless of giants can contend with until we’ve reached every last one of us with the message our souls yearn to hear: you are not alone, you are loved, and we will stand with you through every storm that comes your way.
About Meredith
Meredith is a writer who loves to explore topics such as mindfulness, peace, and happiness. In her free time, she enjoys practicing yoga, spending time in nature, and volunteering with animals.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for this post!! It really helped to read through it, plus, I wanted to express gratitude for the person who messaged you that day, too. I sometimes randomly message or write to friends of mine, just to tell them how important they are to me and how much I love them. And I mean it. I have lost one friend to suicide actually, and also have had not really what you call a “good childhood” and such (mainly through physical and emotional abuse + bullying), tried to commit suicide at some points, too, and then was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don’t take anti-depressants, but let’s just say, I can understand how people with depression feel. Explaining this would reach down too much into my soul, and I feel kind of scared to share it all, but let’s just leave it to, ever since I was 10 I continually tried to kill myself, and it wasn’t until recently that I had the feeling I must wake up from this nightmare.
Recently, I learned that making and composing music helps me a great deal. I don’t mean to advertise what I do, but it means so much to me … It has been my dream to make music for so long in my life, after all. I think that working towards a goal and standing up even when you fell and dusting yourself off is very effective (for me). 🙂
Hi Lily
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Discussing out dark times is certainly not easy ,but the more people that find the courage to do it, the more others will feel comfortable doing the same and know they aren’t alone. As someone who has battled depression in the past, I resonated with so many things you said.
One of the things that particularly struck me was your point about people thinking they have no reason to be depressed given the good things they may have in their life, and this only serves to worsen it as there is also some sense of guilt and anger with ourselves for feeling this way. Sometimes depression is situational and is triggered by challenging circumstances and sometimes it just shows up, and that is true for people who seem to have ‘no reason’ to be experiencing it.
Interestingly, one of the things that helped me most with overcoming my feelings of depression was the study of the law of attraction. It gave me a strengthened sense of control over my life, and in my efforts to raise my vibration and feel better so I could attract the things I wanted, a lot of my darker thoughts went away. One of the things I realized is our thoughts are manifestations and when I was able to feel better more consistently, those lower energy thoughts were no longer a match for my predominant vibration.
Great post..I know this will help a lot of people
That was a message I needed to hear today. Thank you.
You are very welcome, Jeff! :0)
Hi Rina, wow – you are very brave for sharing your story and I honor you for that, because I know it’s not easy. What a remarkable person you are! Thank you for showing us how you’ve personally overcome through music. I also enjoy music and I can certainly attest to its power! Keep composing! Your soul’s clearly found something that makes it feel alive and that’s certainly worth living for. Thank you for your wonderful post. :0)
Hi Kelli! Yes, absolutely! I also subscribe to the thoughts=vibration ideas and I’ve found that doing things that raise my vibration (whether it’s music, being grateful, or focusing on higher-level thoughts) has made a profound difference for me! I’m so glad to hear this has proven beneficial to you as well. Keep those good thoughts coming! :0) Thanks for commenting
Hi Rina, glad you are doing better. That’s good that you are making music. That is your art. Take care <3
Hi Lily! Thank you for sharing. I am glad you are doing better and have overcome your hardships. I would call the friend that messaged you that day your guardian angel. It’s so true that when we open up and talk about our pain, it heals us. I know from my own experience. It’s good that you are opening up about your past, you may be able to help younger people dealing with the same circumstances. You have wisdom and understanding. From things I went through… when I talked to people about it, unless they could relate they didn’t know what to say. Or they said the wrong things. The ones that did relate helped me heal so much. Keep your head up. Take care <3
Needed to hear this too. Yet another reason to be grateful you are here is that your words are now helping others. Be well.
“It’s the voice deep in your heart that keeps you going, day after day. It’s what compelled you to even read this post. It’s the stirring up inside of you that wonders at a brighter tomorrow.”
THIS. SO MUCH THIS. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!
Great article. Inspiring. I was hoping I would find something like this. It’s hard to ask for help or share my feeling. I think what will help me is to just believe that there are people who will care about me and will listen. Tough right now.
This is beautiful and inspiring.
Thank you Lily <3
Wow!! Brilliant article, inspiring :)) Clare x
I struggle every day with feeling unworthy,some days are better than others. I almost feel like I have to apologise for being alive….if that makes sense ? It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in how I feel. I will keep on trying to beat my demons and reading these posts give me hope
I would like to share this with my spanish speaking friends, do you have a translation? can I translated it and quote you?
That was fantastic. On such a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment and this sad right to keep some of my positive motives afloat
Thank you Lily, Very well written. I have decided recently to make my story known and in the beginning stages of writing my book. Presently it’s music and my freinds and children that keep me going. Although my children have grown and thriving I speak to them everyday and this gives me something to look forward to.
I am also signing up on taking a creative writing course through University of Toronto.
Reading, meditation, music and keeping busy is the key for me.
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Blessings in Love &Light
Suzanne
Hi Suzanne! How wonderful! I’m a writer too so I can definitely attest to the power of writing – it’s so therapeutic. I’m so happy that you’ve found happiness in other things as well. You’ll enjoy your creative writing course, I’m sure. All the best! :0)
I’m so glad, my friend. :0) Be well
Hi Carla. I understand. Thank you for sharing that. It’s helpful to know that you are loved and that your existence is a beautiful and miraculous thing–without you needing to do anything to deserve that. We don’t have to work toward being accepted or worthy, in other words. We already are. It’s a lesson that has taken me years to learn myself but once you integrate it into your life little by little, it changes things. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you, Clare! :0)
You are most welcome, Matsu.
I’m so glad you thought so. Thank you for reading. :0)
Hi Sean – yes, there are certainly people who care and who will listen. Know that in addition to online forums for people struggling with depression or other things, there may also be free counseling and support groups within your city/community. Being a part of a community of people helps to know you’re not alone and also lets you talk about your feelings and express yourself. When we keep it pent up, it’s to our disadvantage. Thank you for reading and commenting!
You are so very welcome, Frances. :0) Be blessed
Thank you, Andi. I’m certainly grateful for the opportunity to share my story and touch the lives of others. And it means a lot to me that you needed to hear this story. Blessings to you~
Hello, my friend. Thank you so much. And yes – they certainly are a guardian angel in a way, aren’t they? :0) I’m so glad to be able to share my story and help others. The more we share, the more hope and love we spread! What could be better? :0)
My name is “BoB” and i have been depressed for over a decade when i really look back on it. Over the past few years it has increasingly gotten worse due to myself and just lifes obstacles that have been placed on my path. I seperated from my wife and have been going through a custody battle for our daughter whom i have not seen in over a year. Along with that i was put on probation due to a violation of a dvpo for sending her flowers for her birthday. I lost my job…my residence…everything i had worked for. So i started anew… a new location. A new job. Some what of a new chapter in life while still burdended by my haunting past. I met a new person who brought light back into my life. Well as people say history repeats its self. Again i lost the new light in my life. I lost my job. I have no family or friends here. No money to pay next months rent let alone any other needs i have. I am lost and alone in the dark unable to leave and facing the metaphorical long jump off of the cliff that stands before me. No longer does anything make me happy. I pray to God a miracle happens. Cause i can longer endure what is set before me. Any help or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and understanding.
A man in dire need.
Beautiful post, Lily. Thank you so much for sharing. I was diagnosed with major depressive and severe anxiety disorders, and the second half of my 20’s was a dark and ugly time. When I finally started to heal, I found that a new depression/anxiety surfaced – the feeling that I am weak or unworthy because part of my healing has involved medication, and I fear I’m doomed to be this weak and dependent person forever. It’s a struggle, and with yoga and meditation and self-love, I am trying to reach a better place. Today’s my 30th birthday, so I’m hoping to make it a whole new chapter. 🙂
Happy birthday! :0) I know what you mean about feeling weak and dependent because of medication. I felt like that for a long time too. There’s this idea that because you have to take medication, you’re not strong enough to overcome on your own like other people do. But it’s important to remember that everyone’s on their own journey. We all heal in our own ways because our bodies are unique. So I applaud you for your journey no matter what form it’s taken. Your triumph is beautiful regardless and I wish you the best as you continue reaching for your better place :0)
Hi Bob. I’m sorry to hear about the trials that you’ve had to endure. You’re still standing and you’re reaching out for help, which tells me that you’re a strong soul. It sounds like right now, you’re really being tested so I would ask God to show you what lessons it is you’re supposed to be learning in this season of your life. We’re always learning lessons, you see, and the experiences that come and go are there to teach us these lessons. Once you know what it is God might want you to learn, you can start to understand your situation better and rise from it. I know what it’s like to be in a place where nothing makes you happy anymore. It’s dark and discouraging. But I do want you to know that when you’ve reached rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Just like you picked yourself up in the past, you can do it again. I know you can. And this time, I want you to surround yourself with a community of people -whether it’s at a church, a support group at a community center, or a counselor. There’s a website in fact called meetup (dot) com where you can find free support groups. Surrounding yourself with people who are committed to doing life together can put some wind in your sails and help you to overcome your current obstacles. Lastly, keep praying. You are loved, you are worthy, and you deserve the peace of mind that you want. Trust and expect that it will come.
Hi! I don’t have a translation unfortunately but I believe there are some browser plug-in’s that would translate it for your friends at the click of a button. Type ‘translator browser buttons’ into Google.
Hi Lily. Can you point me in the direction of the resources you used to learn about the law of attraction?
Thank you.
Woops. Question for Kelli.
The Law of Attraction-how do I find out more about this? Your story impressed me.
I listened to a message by Duane Sheriff regarding God’s Grace. Humility is a friend of grace but there is Negative Humility which is negative self-talk. As a teenager, I was my own worst enemy. I always talked bad about myself and felt unworthy to be alive. God’s Grace cannot work with us when we are like that. Grace breaks the power of sin in our lives. Grace is God’s power over human power. When that negative self-talk starts picture a huge stop sign and say NO! You are worthy to be alive and your creator loves you very much! Let God love you and you will feel joy once again!
I really like your message! I have struggled with depression too. I have survived an emotional abuser and he is now my ex and I moved far away from him. I have flashbacks in my dreams and wake up to remind myself I am in a better place. God’s grace has blessed me so much! Thanks for sharing!
Hey M..the best source in my opinion is the blog Deliberate Receiving by Melody Fletcher…
and not to toot my own horn, but I’ve written a lot about it as well on my own blog if you are interested..I have gotten lots of good feedback from people who are new to the concept.you can see my site if you click on my disqus username.
Hi Belinda
I would recommend reading Melody Fletcher’s blog Deliberate Receiving–the best source in my opinion.
I have also written a lot about my own experience using LOA on my blog so if you wanted to learn more about my experience, you can find lots of posts there..my link is in my disqus profile.
Studying it changed my life!
Thank YOU!! my heart resonates…..be the beauty you are and be blessed!
I’ve faught suicide since 13… Many attempts.. At 19.. I had my first of three sons… They turned everything around.. Then abusive relationship began.. And boyfriend took my two youngest.. At 41 I haven’t seen my baby since November 2011.. He also took my dog.. I feel like magnet for bad.. As I sit as an adult still fighting depression.. I live in faith daily.. My abuse started at birth.. I proceed with caution.. I’m learning to love me..everyday.. Love yourself.. I’m not of importance to anyone but myself.. With so much bad.. Its Scarry to share traumatic events with innocent bystanders.. I feel like they would be damaged.. I keep ton’s to myself.. Hmmmm ..but I might try cuz I try all things to help myself.. I enjoyed this article.. Thanks
Many thanks! I will check both out.
Lily – Thank you for this post.
I feel like stumbling across this post today was a sign. Truly inspirational, exactly what i needed to hear when i needed to hear it, I can’t thank you enough
Thank you from Cleveland, Ohio. “In the depths of winter, I finally realized there lay within me an invincible summer.” -Camus
Thank you for sharing. To those going thru the darkness, trust me. It DOES get better. I was diagnosed 6 months ago after struggling for years with it silently.
Long story short, with help you learn to FIGHT. You are not depression. It is in you. When u let something like that dwell in u for so long you mistake your true self for it. Please don’t be fooled. It’s depression’s biggest trick.
You are not your enemy. Depression is. Don’t make it personal. You did nothing to deserve it. Its not your fault. It’s a stranger in your body and once u see it as such, the battle gets a little easier.
I went from writing weekly suicide notes , falling asleep with bags over my head, constantly scouting out bridges to drive off of to peace. And once you learn to guard that inner peace with your life, depression will still try, but it wouldn’t stand a chance.
It does get better. In the midst of it nothing, not even this post, can convince you that that’s true. But it does. I promise.
Beautiful quote, Mike! I love it :0)
You are most welcome, Caitlin. I’m so glad.
You’re welcome, Jane.