“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Malachy McCourtro
I was completely unprepared for the emotional hailstorm that bombarded me when, back in 2001, I learned that my wife had been having an affair with my best friend of twenty-plus years.
My normal, predictable life (which I absolutely loved, by the way) had been virtually shattered overnight. Not only did it culminate in a very bitter war (see: divorce), it also marked the onset of a toxic poison that had begun to work its way into my veins: resentment.
It began with crippling depression—depression so bad that I no longer had the appetite to eat or a desire to care for myself. I spent untold hours (and days) under the protective shield of a comforter in bed, drifting into a slumber of numbness. Sleeping meant that I didn’t have to feel.
And with an empty house now all to myself, I made a decision to lock the front door and refuse to answer it for anyone.
Having just had a proverbial knife twisted into my spine by the two people I loved and trusted the most, what good could come from anyone knocking on the door with a smile on their face? People hid vicious claws behind their backs, and I refused to be stuck with them again.
Signs Of Life
Then, suddenly but slowly, I began to crawl back to life. I spent less time in bed, began to eat on occasion, and even reached out to talk to family. Calling around to local churches, I learned about a divorce support group that met on Wednesdays, and forced myself to attend.
The people at this group, mostly other men, served to reassure me that I wasn’t the only one facing the frightening task of putting a broken life back together.
And even though I cried my way through the first few meetings, a footprint for recovery began to take shape. But the poison of resentment was an entirely different monster—one that would take me a full decade to exorcize.
Sentenced To Suffer
Despite acquiring a new set of coping skills, I began to suffer through obsessive thoughts about the affair between my ex-wife and ex-best friend. I tortured myself with the painful details of their intimacy, imagining it over and over again throughout the day.
And when I slept at night, my mental participation was no longer even required—those obsessive thoughts became a box of terrifying toys that came out to play on their own.
In my paralyzing condition, I came to believe that having an apology from the both of them was the only way to exhale. But neither of them had any intention of doing so. The affair had already been going on for so long before I discovered it that they could never rightly offer any explanation of value—and therefore, never did.
So much for exhaling.
After a whopping ten years of this sort of self-inflicted torture—long after my divorce had been finalized—I realized it was well overdue that I look inward for the answer. No one was going to offer the apology I wanted or felt entitled to.
I could either choose to forgive regardless, or continue in the pattern of resentment and anger that swallowed my current quality of life.
Making A Decision To Forgive
I chose to forgive. To let go, and to recognize the past as a dead era I’d never be able to change.
Forgiving is a hard thing to do when you feel like the recipient is undeserving—even more so when they have no clear intention of ever apologizing. You’d rather they feel the full weight of your hurt and pain, that they suffer as you suffered, and come to know the same meaning of anguish and sorrow that you have.
But in refusing to forgive, we wrongly assume that we are dealing out due punishment to a deserving party—neglecting to see the poison we’ve sentenced ourselves to continue ingesting.
The Weight Of A Grudge
Refusing to forgive can sometimes become so paramount to our existence that we let it define our life. It reflects in our language, in the stories we tell people, and in our attitudes. And since the pain is familiar, we bask in it, subconsciously teaching ourselves to see the negative in everyone.
We miss the opportunity to form relationships and build healthy bridges with people under the faulty logic that, since one person hurt us, they’re all out to hurt us.
Research shows that psychological stress accumulated over a period of years begins to settle as physical pain in the body—pain we can literally feel taking a toll on our well-being. Mindful meditation has worked wonders in alleviating that burden for me since I chose to forgive.
The final stage of forgiveness, at least for me, was to pray for the people who had wronged me—and I find myself doing so a lot, whenever old feelings start to surface. I pray for their health and happiness in a sort of radical act of kindness—a spiritual adoption, if you will.
Forgiving is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself, since with it came freedom and the permission to move on and enjoy what life has to offer in the present moment. A shackle has been removed from my ankle, and I’m free to move about now.
I was, after all, the only person who could ever remove it to begin with.
Photo by Will Foster
About Shawn W. Larson
Shawn W. Larson was once a hip-hop producer and recording engineer who worked with some of the most notable names in the business. Today, he is married with three children, and enjoys writing, photography, and meditation.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks for this. I feel like I’m owed an apology by my ex-boyfriend, and I know it’s not forthcoming. It’s made me realize how important a sincere apology is though, and I myself have apologized to a few people I hurt. But sometimes you just don’t get it and have to get over it. So thanks.
hi Shawn, thanks for this. Can I ask, do you have any mantras, books or sayings etc that helped with this? I have an unforgiveable act (physical violence and the effect thereof) I am also trying to forgive – with many parallels to your situation: the perpetrator is completely unremorseful, and I also have to continue to have a level of interaction with him through our children. I have been eaten up with resentment for 4 and a half years now and I find it so debilitating. I want to be free of it again. I want to feel whole, not broken. Clean not dirty. And separate from this person and the hatred and hurt involved. I want to be able to wish him well. I will reread your post. Would appreciate any help you have to give. Thanks.
You’re very welcome, friend. I definitely know the feeling. Best of luck to you!
Hi Anna,
There were no books that really pointed me in the direction of my decision. It was more of a self-discovery, realizing that I just simply couldn’t continue to torture myself with the past. When we do, we miss out on the great things happening all around us.
I wish you the absolute best Anna, and hope you can find the strength to let go and forgive, too.
Well thanks Shawn. I appreciate your reply very much. I’ll definitely comb back through your post to learn what I can from it. I do believe forgiveness is both possible and preferable, and if others can than I must be able to. I think a part of the pain in fact is having come from such a good place if that makes sense? anyway, thanks again, and I hope this will be the beginning of much better things. All the best.
I enjoyed your post. I can definitely relate to the part about torturing yourself with obsessive thoughts. I’ve done it and seen others do it too. It’s hard when someone you trust and love betrays you. Some people can get over things like this without a hitch, but others, like you, like me, suffer. I’m glad that you are happy. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Shawn, thanks for sharing what obviously has to have been a terribly traumatic situation to deal with. Interestingly, in your bio as producer, recording engineer is where this really hit home for me.
We share a very similar background there. This reminded me of a situation I had to deal with some years ago concerning an artist I developed over a period of a few years. We were inseparable for those three years, working constantly on these songs. After helping to secure their first major label record deal I was totally eliminated from the picture when it came time to do the record. I couldn’t believe their total about face. I felt that knife go in and twist. It was pretty devastating. It’s really hard when trust is broken like that.
Then, after almost a year of being signed without any recording happening yet, I received a call from the president of the label, who finally learned I was the person who produced the demo that convinced him to sign this artist. Evidently, the artist was sending him his own self produced demos and they wondered why they were so bad.
Long story short, I co-produced the debut album and the label folded two months after it came out so oh well. The artist eventually went on to have a few big hit songs on his next record. It was really hard for a while to hear his voice on the radio (constantly). But eventually, through my own work with meditation, I was able to forgive him and be at peace with the knowledge that I helped someone fulfill their destiny. However they may tell the story, deep down they know the truth.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
Peace,
Thanks for this. I’m getting out of an abusive relationship with someone I love deeply, and I find myself repeating over and over again moments of violence, or words that were said, or wondering where he is or what he is doing…and i’ve found a lovely respite of late in mindfulness meditation. I encourage anyone dealing with extreme emotional pain to try it. I still have bad days, but I treasure the relaxation meditation brings to me.
The timing of your post could not have been better. I spent last night awake and restless imagining all the twisted things my ex and his girlfriend were up to. I was provoked by an old friend who stirred the pot and sent me some pictures of them together. Not very cool. I know I need to forgive him and let go…I am combing over your post and feeling this is my only way out of the dark. I got shafted pretty badly and every time I think I have moved on…the resentment sucks me right back down. It is a habit almost, one I am growing tired of. I know if I cannot let go I cannot get to that wonderful place in life I deserve. Do you practice any specific meditation to help forgive? I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I can see your life is much better now and I am happy for you.
Bravo Shawn for a poignant description of your experience. Your story resonated with me and I felt your pain, anger and resentment until forgiveness entered my life. I was married for 30 years and found out my husband who is working in China, decided his “life needed a new direction”. He found a new love and now wants to get married to her. What impressed me about your story was it happened to a man. This just shows how going through a divorce is as difficult for a man as well as a woman. I have learned to forgive him and gave up on my husband offering any signs of remorse or apologies for stabbing me in my back.
Hi, Shawn. Thank you for posting this. It really gives me inspiration. I’ve been holding grudges at my ex. I haven’t moved on since we broke up last year. I still refused to forgive my ex. But then I read your post, it gave me a new whole view of how important forgiveness is. I want to forgive my ex, for the sake of myself. So that I will be free from the “poison” thank you so much.
Thanks for this. I’ve been dealing with a similar situation for a few years now.
Forgiveness doesn’t seem like a step I can take and have it feel authentic. But, I hope eventually I’ll get there.
Thanks for sharing your story. It was beautifully written. I have been struggling with anger and resentment for a few years now in relation to a some family members. They shared something about their lives with me and it was expected to be kept a secret from the rest of the family. This bothers me and makes me very uncomfortable. They don’t think it’s a big deal to have put me in that position. It angers me so much. I feel I shouldn’t have been told this information about their lives, but I have and there is nothing I can do to change that. I am working on forgiving them for not considering how this information would make me feel or effect me. The anger and resentment was destroying me and causing problems in other areas of my life. But I’m sick of feeling this way and need to move on. Forgiving them doesn’t make it ok that they put me in this position, but gives me the ability to reclaim my happiness and joy in life. It’s a work in progress.
Such a painful experience, a challenge to get to where you are today…Kudos to all your work and success if freeing yourself! Thank you for sharing your experience, it was very will written, and many eye opening messages!! 🙂
Very good article. I was very moved and effected by what you went through. I will learn from your struggle and start the process to mindfully forgive and let go. Kudos to you for succeeding!
Wow, what a wonderful article and courageous story to have shared. I’m so happy to see that your heartache has ultimately led you to a much better place and the life that you deserve.
Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing. I’m dealing with a similar situation, and as much as I tell myself I want to fully forgive, I can’t get this person out of my head and keep having thoughts of how I hope she’s hurting, alone, and full of guilt. I do pray for her – not every day, but sometimes, and there are times when I want to punch her or tell everyone what a nasty person she is (which I’d honestly never do). True forgiveness isn’t easy, but I know it’s the only way to free myself from the agony I continue to place upon myself. She probably isn’t even thinking about me anyway….
Thanks, Tim. Writing this article has really opened my eyes to how similar we all are. Seeing comments such as yours reaffirm the fact for me that we suffer similar struggles. And it’s a great feeling to find out we aren’t the only ones facing a dark period. Best to you, Tim.
Hey Mark,
The music business is cutthroat stuff. I was jerked around more times than I can count by people who took advantage of me, too.Sorry you didn’t get the credit you deserved on your project. I’ve been there before, too. Try to surround yourself with a small team of people who can be trusted, who will help you look out for your best interests. Thanks for sharing, bro. God bless!
It helps me to remember that, usually when someone hurts you, it’s more about them than it is you. That means that the person who hurt you probably had selfish motives, but didn’t actually set out to sabotage you – they just ended up doing it in the process of chasing selfish motives. Hope that helps.
Hi sweetheart,
A lot of guys are afraid to admit that a divorce can tear them apart as quickly as it can a woman. But when you love someone, divorce is pain. Some handle it better than others, but I really beat myself up pretty bad for a long time.
Just think of the good things you can do now that he’s not around anymore. You can wear make-up, the clothes you like, eat crackers in bed if you feel like it, and most importantly, you can focus on YOU for a change – which, from the sounds of it, is long overdue. Be good to yourself.
Very glad you took something meaningful from it, Laura. And I’m glad you were able to see that you weren’t the only one going through it.
It can take time, as evidenced by my story. Just make a conscious effort to not let bad memories live in your mind rent-free anymore.
Agreed, AB. I wanna thank you, and everyone like you, who came forward to voice that I wasn’t the only one experiencing the struggle of forgiveness.
Thanks!
Appreciated, Meeka. Thanks for sharing my pain for a brief moment in time.
Thank you, too, Danielle. Your encouragement is inspiring.
Meditation has helped me a ton, too. When those old feelings come up, just keep reminding yourself that they are not real – they are a ghost from the past, and you are safe and sound in the present moment.
It’s hard, Patti. Especially when there’s still feelings of love, mixed with moments of anger or resentment. I’ve learned that love is something you give, whether or not you get it back in return all the time. And if you love someone, you can’t help but wish the best for them – even when it doesn’t involve you sharing the moment with them. Hope that makes sense.
Oh no; I have never loved this person. I never knew of her until my husband & I were separated for a period and this “old friend from high school” (which was over 20 years ago) suddenly was a good friend to him. Obviously, things went too far between them. I have since worked things out with my husband, and I believe our marriage is stronger now, but I cannot stop thinking about that girl. I’ve never met her – only seen her on facebook, where she’s currently blocked from my husband’s & my profile.
My spiritual path tells me that she is part of me, a projection of my own mind. I know it’s true, as I’ve not had the most innocent past, though have never strayed from my marriage. I also know I need to forgive myself for my past just as much as I need to forgive this girl. I do not like thinking about her every day. I forgave my husband almost a year ago, and though I’ve meditated and done tons of forgiveness worksheets on her, I just can’t seem to let it go. I want to, but my ego keeps me hanging on. This is one of the toughest lessons in my life!
Thank you for this well written and heartfelt article. A spouses affair is so painful.
I too, had this experience. My first husband and his friends wife did the same thing. It was such a painful event in my life, including tears, depression and weight loss They got married and became born again Christians ~complete with a rewritten history (with no affair ) and gave out “how-others-should-live” advise. A few years later I find out from his sister, that during our marriage, my ex also had an affair with his brothers wife and… a child was born looking totally like him, not his brother. (Yes, his own brothers wife). He had actually admitted to it, in a family apology. Actually that made me feel better. I was relieved because I somehow blamed myself for the cheating. I was not good enough etc. Then, I realize He was the CREEP. It was healing. I took a long time to really forgive them both. I do realize that historically sex makes some people do crazy destructive things that hurt many people. You are not alone in this experience. Glad you are doing well. Thanks for sharing a mans perspective.
I think if people (who have gone through this) are truly honest we have some terrible thoughts about the spouse and other-woman/man. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Only a person who was not in love would be without anger.
Thank you for sharing your painful story so eloquently Shawn, so many of us have been through this kind of betrayal. I realised quite quickly that my cheating ex-partner found self-worth though the adoration of other women, and that helped me to feel compassion for him, knowing as I did that his low self-worth stemmed from a long history of childhood neglect. Whenever I need to forgive someone, my route to it is to try to put myself in their shoes in some way. Most people act badly out of their own pain and internal disharmony, and I can always identify with another’s pain having suffered so much of it myself.
However, I have one person in my life that I continue to struggle to forgive, a neighbour who causes me continual stress and anxiety (for over 10 years). Try as I might (and I’ve worked very hard to forgive this person), I usually end up back with feelings of anger and frustration (sometimes even hatred) at how much this person affects my life on an ongoing basis. She is a thorn in my side. I often feel very badly about myself that I cannot forgive this woman.
Hi Shawn,
You are indeed a gentleman. Thank you for your kind reply. I have neglected myself for a long time and became invisible. I have discovered a new, empowered woman thanks to posts like yours. I also listen and read Tony Robbins who teaches you to not live in the past but find solutions.
Look foward to reading more of your posts.
Have a great day.
Dear Shawn, I find the biggest challenge is learning to forgive myself. I allowed myself to tolerate emotional abuse for so many years, only to have him cheat and then leave to go and live with another woman. I have no one else to blame (not even him). No one put a gun to my head to force me to tolerate it. Love is crazy, and seems to entice us to accept any old bad treatment. So as much as I resent all he did, I am mad at myself for putting up with it. I think self-forgiveness is the most difficult.
There is, I think, something of a difference between forgiving and forgetting.
Much suffering that comes from the actions of other people can be digested when you come to understand in a more objective sense why people do things. People who attempt to intentionally hurt you personally are a good example. Their actions are often due to their own problems, their own suffering, and circumstances which have twisted their sense of self. You’re a target, something which happened to be conveniently placed to trigger their dysfunction.
A surprising among of anger and resentment can be released by coming to see people in this light. But sometimes, a person who commits a harmful act remains a person you may not want to share the warm fuzzies with. Very often they continue to be a negative and harmful person still actively inflicting suffering on yet other targets.
i think the worst part when we are hurt is thinking,”what did i do to deserve this?”… the more clueless we are, the more silence we hear from our inside, our inability to answer this simple question amplifies the feeling of pain. but most of the times we do find some answer, some disagreeable behaviour on our part, some subtle signs that were there but whom we ignored before the truth hits us(afterall, one cannot be perfect and too careful or vigilant all the time)… rediscovering what we did not acknowledge these things previously(when we thougt everything is fine) also adds upto the guilt that we feel when someone hurts us…. for me, forgiving myself would be thinking that i did what i believed to be the best thing to do, and taking the responsibility of the consequences…but the problem is that this could go on like a circle – i feel guilty, take responsibility for that,i again remember that they hurt me, i feel guilty, take responsibility……. until another event happens….. this is where i stand in life now, and m feeling stuck…. how do i have the same thoughts about others?
Wow. Thank you for sharing such a powerful story, so personal. I wish you peace and happiness!
really help a lot, but how to handle that kind of situation especially when there are children to consider is really hard to overcome. need advice!!!
It must be such a healing process for you to share this story. I recently read a quote that said: “The recognition that a person can choose emotional well being – even
when things don’t turn out the way we want it – is the cornerstone of mental
heath.”
I wish you all the best.
I liked this post a lot. Thank you for sharing
You know, you’re right. I feel the same way for having not been more alert to what was going on. And that’s a bad road to travel down for too long, because you always seem to conclude the mistake was yours for trusting people.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Charlie!
Great quote, Tina. Thanks for sharing it with me.
Thank you for your honest article. As soon as I found out my husband was cheating, I immediately began practicing yoga and meditation. I had never done either, but instinctually knew this was waht I needed. The answers came right away. I moved to another state, focused on healing and have never been happier. Not only did I forgive him, I forgave myself and I even thank him for this because my life is now more full of peace and love. I am a better person because of it! So happy to hear your life is now beautiful, too! Namaste
Shawn, your words resonated with me very deeply as I too discovered my wife not only cheating physically, but carrying full-on with an emotional relationship with a co-worker. My feeling of discomfort, pain, and anger fueled my life for years after, as her actions and choices put me into a despondent state. Only after a lot of self-work, more importantly, self-forgiveness, was I able to forgive MYSELF first, and later her and the “other man”. I have now found the experience has opened my eyes to a more fulfilling life through much more balanced relationships, non-judgmental reactions, and acceptance. I have come to thank her for the life lessons and can move on and let-go.
Whether it be infidelity, death, or betrayal, we all will face something in our lives that causes a visceral emotional reaction. I think the words and coping you described will help anyone in the space to see the beauty in the path forged.
Thanks for your feedback, Jeff. I’m very glad you could draw something useful from the article. Best of luck to you in the future. Sounds like you’ve learned a lot.
I thank you for your article but what do you do when young children are involved? I want to work it out for their sake but I find it so hard to forgive (his infidelity) when I have to see him day after day and he shows no remorse and no empathy for the pain I’m going through. I think it would be easier to forgive if we weren’t together anymore and I wouldn’t have to deal with his indifference every day.
This post is a few months old but I’m just reading it now and boy, has it struck a chord! I’m 6 weeks in to separating from my husband and the obsessive thoughts (which turned in to hurtful obsessive words and actions) have made things so much worse. Realizing that forgiving myself for my actions is key to allowing me to forgive him is the intention for the day – and likely the foreseeable future! Thanks for your post!
You’re a better man than I am. There is someone I need to forgive that hurt me deeply, but I just can’t find it in myself.