“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of Shiraz
One week before my twenty-ninth birthday, the love of my life broke up with me. The pain of it was agonizing, heart-stopping. I could not think. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I could not breathe.
I expressed and released pain, anger, denial, guilt, sadness, and on and on, until I exhausted myself. The bottom had dropped out of my life, and my sense of self was left shattered.
If I could be so wrong about something I had felt such certainty about, I thought, then there was nothing that I could possibly be right about. I was tragically flawed and inevitably doomed.
So I did something desperate and extreme. I dropped out of graduate school, gave away all my furniture, threw away most of my belongings, and moved across the country.
My intention was escape: to run from the darkness, as far and as fast as possible, and to somehow exchange my old, broken life for a shiny new one.
It didn’t work the way I expected it to.
Instead of the dynamic new life in a vibrant city I had envisioned, I created instead an involuntary retreat into solitude and self-reflection.
Moving far away changed only my environment; it didn’t change my internal landscape at all. After the excitement of change of scene faded, I was left with the one thing I couldn’t leave behind: me.
Because I didn’t know anyone, I spent a lot of time alone. This was back in the days before social media, before the Internet was what it is now, and way before smartphones.
I put pen to paper and wrote, a lot, just to purge the thoughts from my head. Many days passed for me in silence, simply because there was no one to talk to.
In my search to understand why something so unbearably horrible had happened to me, I embraced with passionate zeal every tradition or tool for healing and self-knowledge I could find.
I meditated, I did yoga, I breathed; I learned about the Saturn Return, the chakras, flower essences, fasting, mantras, shamanism, dream work, the I Ching.
All of this helped, but still, I was left with the dull, leaden weight of my loneliness.
I didn’t know how, but I was determined to find a way out. I clung to that intention for dear life: not the belief that it would get better—I wasn’t quite there yet— just the possibility that it could.
After a few months of existing from moment to moment with my solitude, I began to see myself more clearly, stripped as I was of everything familiar and alienated from everyone I loved. And slowly, surprisingly, and strangely, I began to notice qualities in myself that I didn’t know I possessed.
Because I did everything by myself, I learned self-reliance. If I got lost while driving, I had to navigate my way out of it. If my car broke down (which it did), there was no friend I could call for help.
I learned to take risks. Because everything I did was fraught with uncertainty, I realized that I could go out on a limb and figure out how to deal with it.
But even more than that: I found out that eating one perfectly ripe peach on the way back from the farmers’ market was an exquisite experience when performed solo and in silence. I could enjoy watching a fantastic movie even if I had no one to talk to about it when it was over. I could walk on a beach at sunset and appreciate the beauty without aching for someone to share it with.
My internal landscape had become, to my amazement, rich, complex, and interesting. The gradually dawning knowledge that I could not just survive alone, but feel whole and happy—even in small bursts—was a revelation to me.
Out of the ashes of a devastating personal loss, I found an unlooked-for self-respect and a renewed excitement about living my life. Gradually, a vision of myself emerged, contrasted against the darkness that had enveloped me.
Since then, of course I’ve had other experiences that have pushed me to an edge, but I’ve found my way back to center each time by drawing on the essence of who I am.
It doesn’t mean I’ve lost all my flaws or figured it all out. I am always me in those ways, too. I can still be critical of myself or get distracted by life’s endless dramas or get wrapped up in anxiety and worry. But I know that I have a map that can get me back to where I want to be instead of being stuck someplace awful.
It can take time to find the way back, but you can be sure of the way by keeping just a few things in mind.
When something unthinkable happens, the question isn’t Why? The question is Who?
Who are you? That’s the only thing you can really know. Let what is inexplicable be inexplicable. You can’t change what has happened and you can’t control other people. But you can choose to let adversity teach you something about yourself.
If you lose everything, you are still you.
Nothing that happens, no matter how bad, can erase who you are. You are always you, no matter what happens. Experiences may change you, but deep inside there is always that shining seed of self, the blueprint of who you truly are, guaranteeing the possibility of renewal.
Loss allows space for something else to take root in you. You can let it be wisdom, not bitterness.
When everything else has been taken away, you have a choice to mend the pieces that are left or to stay in the shadowlands. When you move in the direction of wholeness, the power of your intention can ignite your own personal revolution.
An open mind and an open heart can turn the key.
It is hard work to generate gratitude and serenity when you are suffering. Luckily, just wanting to be that kind of person can be enough. With your intentions set in the right direction, peace and contentment will find you.
In persevering through my own darkness, I found a self—call it my authentic self, my immortal soul, core being, my heart center and sanctuary—who can survive whatever life throws at me.
My experience has taught me that the human capacity to endure—and to do it with grace, courage, and joy—does not really depend on anything outside of ourselves. Even when life seems impossible, the brilliant light inside yourself is enough to see your way through your own darkest nights.
Photo by Angela Marie Henriette
About Amy Dye Gori
A writer and consulting astrologer at Genius Astrology, Amy talks with people every day about possibilities as well as challenges in the lives they want to create. An academic by training, she writes about the cosmos, culture, creativity, and choice.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Beautiful post. The part about the peach really caught my eye because I had a similar experience! A week after my first breakup, I remember, very distinctly, waking up at 8AM and eating a perfectly ripe peach in my kitchen. I was completely alone,and the house was silent. I remember that was the first moment that I started to feel happiness again after the breakup.
This was one of the best posts I’ve read on this site, without a doubt. Life is so strange. We start out perfect and happy as children and then things happen that shake us, as you noted beautifully in the beginning of your post. I was so happy to hear how things turned out for you, how you found happiness and wholeness. Thank you for sharing your story and insights. I am definitely inspired. Awesome!
Finding your blog has really touched my life. As a self-defined seeker, I am going through some serious life changes at this time. Things are not working out with my fiancee and I- we have been together for seven years, and he is about to move out. I am very scared at the thought of being 30 and single again, but your site has reminded me that I have choices. Recently, I have started building a yoga practice, and trying to be in touch with my light. Thanks for being so inspirational, because, as you stated, going through that type of split is like having the air sucked out of the room- the anger, the sadness, the pain, the confusion. Congratulations on making it through, and I hope I can repost soon with news that I am feeling stronger.
Thanks, Jess! There is something about the immersion in your own senses that seems deeply restorative to me, a reminder that you can exist in harmony with the world even when you are alone. I’m glad you felt it too.
Tim, thank you for your kind words! It was one of those things that changed me profoundly and forever — and at the time, I thought it was a change for the worse. It was a total surprise how it ended up fitting into my story in a positive way.
Yes! Daisy, I know what you are talking about, the fear of the big 3-0 and feeling like you will never meet another person you can truly connect with. That was part of the grief I felt at the time in my own life. But there is such truth in the idea that endings and beginnings are wrapped up inside each other. It’s not easy when you’re in the middle of that kind of transition (what an understatement that is), but the trade off in maturity, wisdom, and a fuller appreciation of yourself is worth the effort. Keep breathing, as our yoga teachers always remind us! You will find your sweet spot again.
thank you so much, Amy, for bearing proof that ‘it does get better’. i have been having a hellacious time trying to find myself after ending a very long relationship and marriage. despite being a year later, I still have bad days, but reading your post this morning gives me guidance and hope.
It does, it really, really, does get better. I know there are a lot of people out there reading who have been there too, and they would say the same. You are enough, and you can get through it, and when the sun comes out again in your life, you will be amazed at how brightly it shines.
I don’t know if this the right post to comment. I had been in kind of a toxic relationship, i was tortured mentally, i was never sure about my relationship, i don’t know what i am doing with my life, what i am typing. I get worried thinking about 20 years from now. I am not worried about me i am worried about her. I think so negative. I blame everything on me. I feel something very bad will happen. I am unable to cope up with my anxiety and depression. I have no one to talk about all this to anyone.
I think so many people feel overwhelmed by their strong emotions. Don’t hesitate to ask for help from friends and professionals alike — we are all stronger when we help each other, don’t you think? You may be surprised at how much understanding you receive when you begin reaching out.
And yet again, Tiny Buddha (read Amy, in this case) manages to give me exactly what I need right now!
Thanks a tonne Amy – your post is a welcome addition to the ‘discoveries’ I have been collecting in the course of my search for ME.
When something leaves you, something you loved, something that affected you, something that changed you, you inadvertently feel a hole in the center of your being – a hole that gravitates all your energy akin to a black hole, a hole that is here to stay. You either try to cover it, (because no way in hell can you fill it exactly like before) or you come to live with the lightness, the nothingness it brings. And that’s the distinction between living in the past and justifying the future!
That self-doubt, feeling of being lost, of the bottom vanishing, that you mentioned, feel so real to me! I had been living those feelings in and out, up until very recently. And telling myself “it WILL get better” just wasn’t doing it! I just couldn’t get myself to believing that statement! The version “It COULD get better” seems so much more believable, and so much more hope-inducing! Thanks for providing that different perspective 🙂
In my current battle with things out of my control (read everything in my life currently), I am choosing positivity above everything! I am choosing to not let what happened confine me, but to refine me! And I shall not forget, happy girls are the prettiest 🙂
Thanks so much Amy! God Bless You!
I thank you for your transparency and guidance. I am enduring a very long drawn out break up with my live in ex-boyfriend. It’s hard…while we have separate rooms, we can hear each other through the wall. I went on a medical leave due to very serious surgeries.for almost three months now and am not returned to work fully…so, I can’t afford to move out of HIS house at the moment…I’m stuck here with no car and no one to talk to outside of friends who I am sure have been burdened by my pain long enough…and he pulls me back in to “us” then leaves me cold again…he appears to have started dating as he goes out all of the time and even stayed out a whole night this past weekend…coming home at 10 a.m. It hurts to have this so in my face….one thing though…in the solitude…I’ve focused on my spirit, who God has created me to be. I’ve began alot of positive self talk. I’ve decided to say to myself the things my biggest supporters tell me…that I’m strong, that I’m giving, that I love unconditionally, that I’m beautiful and special. I choose to believe that this moment of silence has more to do with my growth than the growing pains I’ve been placed under. I’ve prayed for him…that he develops more into a man of his word and integrity…and I did the most important thing…I have remembered to BREATH. I forgot that along the way…I started having anxiety when he stayed out all night…let my mind wander to dangerous places and for my own survival had to remember to BREATH. So, now…there’s more music, more positive feedback, more reading helpful information, more prayer, more self-love and more BREATHING.
Wow this hit spot on for me. I am going through a lot right now. I just barely accepted that I been living with a fraudulent marriage. My fraudulent husband used me for a green card and to open a business. I made excuses and was in denial even when he told me to my face. The last three years were fraud. He would only come to see me when it was convenient. Or when I stared having suspicions right after I was married. He moved out when he received the marriage certificate. I feel like I am a bad mother since I did not protect my son from any of this who was 4 at the time. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I was not smart enough to catch this scam–even when so many people told me this is his intent. I felt ashamed to see a friend of mine, who knew very well his intent but couldn’t look at them in the eye cuz its embarrassing. I hate people laughing at me and the jokes thrown at me and my son. The only time he acted a husband was in front of pple.
Thank you for a good post. “the shining seed of self”.. I felt it the other night and since then I think about it exactly like that.. like a seed, inside of me, that represents the true me and all its light. thanks for making me recognize myself like that, even though I still have some length too go .. I’m on my way.
I still think you need to get out if you do have friends that will let you stay for some time …take it they are there for you. I understand thinking that you are burdening your friends…that is what I think to. they hear it over and over. and you feel bad they taking it in. but its better if you get away from it. I am taking therapy even if you can afford once a month take it you will feel better.
Thank you for this post…interestingly enough I had a near identical experience to you. The person I truly *believed* was the one for me, ended our relationship out of the blue and I moved 3,000 miles away. Although I would say that the external change of environment did help, it would not have if I hadn’t set intentions of moving forward and choosing to let go. It’s only been three months since it happened, but already I have moments where I find inner peace and resilience inside of me. However fleeting, it’s comforting to know that it is out there. Like you, I want to choose to allow something new and beautiful to build in my life instead of bitterness. We have no control over others or how they treat us, but only how we treat ourselves and how we go forward from here. Thanks for sharing xx
Wonderful post — thank you. I’m going to write this sentence down for safekeeping: “You are always you, no matter what happens. Experiences may change you, but deep inside there is always that shining seed of self, the blueprint of who you truly are, guaranteeing the possibility of renewal.” Thanks again!
Yes to all those things you are relying upon to get you through this tough spot you are in. It sounds like you know it isn’t going to last forever, but I’m sure it feels like it. I agree that those who love you don’t see your need for support as a burden. It’s something you will return when they are in need, too.
I’ve asked my sister if my son and I could rent from her for the next four months. I’m praying she will say yes. It will be better and my healing will flow faster. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my posting. I appreciate the kindness
Out of all of this…you count your blessings…and my friends are amazing. It’s me who has to learn to accept help. Thank you for your wonderful post and support.
That sounds so rough; I’m sorry you have had to go through that. One good friend and teacher of mine reminds me that sometimes self-compassion is enough –finding the same kindness and gentleness towards yourself that we use with our children.
Amy – Words cannot express my gratitude to you in this very moment. Over the last few days, so much has happened in my life that has caused me to close down. I’m not sure what to think or believe anymore.
Then this post showed up on my Facebook wall and I can’t thank you enough.
I’m far from healed but, at least, I have a better understanding how how I may begin the process. Thank you.
Thank you! I do feel like that little opening provided by believing in the possibility of change makes all the difference. I like your black hole metaphor, something all consuming like that is so apt; and I would add that even the black hole has its purpose, hard as it is to contemplate at the moment you feel trapped inside it.
Shannon, that is so wonderful to hear. Thank you for commenting! At the time in my life I wrote about, it was all I could do to get from one moment to the next some days. Luckily that was enough. Life can be harsh and heartbreaking, but it isn’t ever *only* that. I trust you will find your way through, too.
Many thanks — yes, I do think of it as a seed, that magical thing in nature that is somehow the source of all life and growth. Whenever I watch seedlings sprout in the spring I am always amazed, and somehow I find it comforting.
Lea, thank you for saying so! That shining seed is easy to see in kids, with their open hearts and joyful embrace of life, but it’s still there when they grow up. I wish we could all arrange our lives so that nurturing that inside of ourselves could be a high priority every day.
You are so right to point out the necessity of choice and the power of intention. And it’s not like it’s a one-time choice. You choose, every moment, every day, in good times and in bad times. The beauty of that idea for me is that it is never too late to choose something different.
This is so articulate and beautifully written. Thanks so much, Amy. I really needed to read this today.
excellent article very well written and completely made my day
Love this article. Just made my “problems” dissapear 🙂 the only way they can.
Hi Amy, let me say thank you for sharing such a wonderful post which I believe not only enlightens and inspire readers, but also open a tiny window of hope for someone like me. As I am reading your post, through some parts of it, it’s as if I am hearing and seeing myself. I could picture my very self alone and so small in a very big corner of life’s uncertainties- manifested in me in so many faces. There are days they were my fear, at times they are my worries, my insecurities, my pain. I feel like I am trap in a great big web of uncertainty which I think points all down to the pain that I went through in life. The idea of denial and escaping away from my pain did not help. It only tells me that no matter how I change the view of my environment, I still carry the same exact baggage. I am so burnt out at times and I just held myself by breathing in possitivity to help me get through my awful days. Deep inside was that yearning of how I get out from my own tunnel. I know I can be free, I just need that tiny light to find my way out. Your story was sort of that light. It hit spot on to me and kicks in to my self awareness again. It can be a long process for me to achieve healing and freedom, but your words is one of those that I will take as I get there.
Thank you for the inspiration!
This is a great article Amy, i wish I could fill the void I was feeling in the same way. Although I was only with my ex for less than a year, I still have many feelings of regret and loss, predominantly because of my cultural background. I never intended to enter a relationship if it would not lead to marriage, and although this can be seen as pushing it and trying to force it, I don’t know how else to approach it. I worry that I am not assertive from the start in what I want, I will end up pursuing meaningless relationships with nothing to gain from them. Now, not only do I feel as if I have let myself down, but I also feel as if I have no way of justifying what I did to God.
I find myself constantly obsessing and trying to find ways to fix the situation, just so that I don’t feel as if it has been a waste, when the other party has made their intentions clear. I have no idea how to move away from this, he was a really decent guy- or so I thought- we went to the same university together and he has a great job at a top accounting firm, so I don’t quite understand why he is acting in such a way as to want to destroy me. I have a lot riding on this year too, I have postgrad exams coming up, and my job at a firm is also dependent on these, I can’t afford to mess them up. Yet, I don’t know how to banish the cause of them? Iv’e tried deleting him and cutting contact, I seem to have no will power when it comes to this as I end up talking to him again and just when I think its all going back to normal he says the worst things. Any sane person would walk away in disgust at the thought of someone belittling them like this, yet I seem to keep wanting to go back for more. I just need to find a way to get myself out of this mess.
I don’t know if this is the right place to post about this, but any help would be appreciated. Thankyou.
Thank you Shreya! I’m so glad it landed at the right time.
Thanks for this, I have done a lot of self reflection in the past 2 years or so where I can deal with things better but there are still moments where I grow frustrated and depressed and fall back into the habit of negative thinking. This article , as well as this site really helps in those moments =)
What a beautiful recollection of a Light story. Thank you for sharing this deep and absolutely beautiful tale. It helps one get closer to the root and to listen deeper within.
With Gratitude. InLight
I suffer from depression so my whole life is darkness. Because of this darkness, I’ve made poor decisions that have me in financial distress. I’m 56 years old with no past to comfort me, and no future to look forward to. Your thoughts please.
amy, i really like the part about, when something bad happens to you, the question isn’t why, but who–who are you? this is beautiful, and it is really at the crux of us reaching for our highest and enduring through the tough times. thank you for reminding me of the value in developing my inner landscape. i am in a lonely time right now. i don’t want it to be all about that–loneliness. and it won’t be.
Amy, hi my name is Isabel and I always have everyday problems with myself and seeing things for how it truly is. My mind feels so dark and I sometimes feel like breaking my head open to let then darkness out. I just don’t know..
Okay so I too have found a way back to the true me multiple times but then lost it again due to more unforseen misfortunes. How do I learn to accept help and to interact with others after I have become so self dependant on my own? It’s hard to let people in once you’ve moved on to a life of enjoyed loneliness.
I too, would like to thank you for these powerful words. Especially in such a time of need and looking for peace, I have to admit you have shed light on life as oppose to darkness. Everyone’s path is much different but there is no song that hasn’t been sung before. I would just like to thank you again for they truly beautiful words of enlightenment.
Such a delightful and inspiring read. Just the tonic I needed to positively embrace a new self and new beginnings in 2017. Happy New Year! 🙂
I lost my girl around 2 years ago, and was very much into pieces. I then fought with my parents and left my graduation in final year (everyone opposed obviously but it was suffocating me – a thought at that moment) and moved to a much faster growing city (TBH – escaping the reality because it felt like I have lost everything). This was 3 months ago when I moved and since then there was a doubt sparking within me ( was this escaping a wrong decision? ). I found a job for survival and could not stop thinking about how my life is constantly falling apart. Its just that I had promised myself that I will never loose hope. After reading this blog – I really feel motivated and I am much clear about how to fix things up and make my way swiftly towards my goals/destiny/aim. Thank you – Stay blessed!