“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts
After a few years of living through the betrayal and anger of my divorce, my friends decided it was time for me to start dating again.
They took me out to the bars, dressed me up, bought me drinks, and showed all the men how cute I was.
I didn’t feel cute. I felt like a fraud.
The bar scene was not for me. I felt like a piece of meat wrapped in cellophane on the shelf waiting for a man to decide which one he’d like to eat.
I dressed up in my newly skinny body and looked the part of the fun loving girl, but inside all I felt was desperation.
I put on makeup so men would think I was pretty.
I exercised so my body would look good for others to gaze at.
I smiled and giggled so men would think I was fun and funny.
I didn’t feel fun, funny, pretty, or like I wanted to be looked at. I felt scared.
I kept grasping at a portrait of who I wanted everyone to think I was. I so wanted to be this picture perfect representation that I thought men wanted. I wanted a man to like me so I could feel loved and validated.
I finally realized my imaginary self-portrait was who others wanted, not who I wanted to be now. I was not being true to my new self.
So I trashed the portrait, went home, and got my act together.
I wanted to find love again but not like this. Not by picking up someone in a bar who was looking for love in all the wrong places, just like I was doing. I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else could do it for me.
I wanted to find love by knowing who I was. Then I could find someone who complemented me. So I stopped going out and started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I deserved in a man.
What I did learn from speaking to men in bars is that real men want real women. I decided to learn how to be real. Learning how to be real would require some investigative research on my part. I had lost myself in my marriage. It was time to find me.
I decided to step out of my proverbial box. I had to try new things and figure out what activities I liked, and which ones I needed to stay away from.
I traveled to developing countries. I had my palm read and visited a mind reader. I went kayaking, took up road biking, hiked on volcanoes, rode zip lines through the rain forest, joined book clubs, learned to meditate, I found out what tai chi was.
I started to visit international restaurants. I went to museums and hung out in coffee shops. I got my yoga teacher certification and started to teach. I tried things I had always wanted to do but never could while I was married.
I had fun. I learned that I favored Thai food over Italian food. I learned that I can ride thirty-five miles on a bike and love it. I learned things about me I never knew.
I stopped wearing most of the makeup I had worn thinking it made me look good so men would like me. Instead, I decided to look good for myself.
I stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am beautiful, even though I didn’t believe it. The more I told myself I was beautiful, the more I began to feel good about myself.
I wanted my beauty to be defined by my self-confidence, which began to return when I started to truly believe in what I began to represent.
I started to dress the way I wanted to felt, not the way I wanted to be looked at. I wanted free flowing clothes that I could move in. I wanted to be able to feel my body, not the clothes pinching me.
I started to exercise because it made me feel good, not so I would look good. I accomplished both by doing what I wanted for me, not for them. I found exercise that I loved to do. I increased my yoga practice and kept on walking. I took up rowing and increased my biking.
I stopped going to bars to meet men. Instead, I went to the occasional bar to hang out with friends and to be social.
I stopped looking at men as the answer to my problems and started looking at myself to solve them.
I realized I needed to know what my interests were if I wanted to attract a man who shared them.
When I learned what I liked, I became happier than I had ever been before. I learned to be true to myself, not someone else.
I realized that I had been incomplete without the self-knowledge required to define my own boundaries, my likes, and my dislikes. Without knowing what my boundaries were, I could never attract a person into my life that could live within them. I had never known how to define and stand up for my own beliefs.
When I felt confident with my new self, I joined a dating site. I was far more aware of the kind of person I wanted to attract because I knew who I was.
Writing my profile specifically for what I wanted and how I wanted a man to treat me was far better than telling someone to take me on a romantic date, when I couldn’t define what I thought a romantic date was.
So get on with it. What are you waiting for? Get out there and experience life. Find out who and what you are. Live life by yourself. Be happy by yourself. It’s your life; make it what you want. Don’t look for someone else to do it for you, because they can’t. Only you can know who you really are.
About Melissa Terrels
Melissa Terrels is a yoga instructor living in Southern NJ. She spends her time taking care of her daughter and learning about life. Her passions are introducing people to the benefits of yoga, art, friendship and nature.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I like this post!
Very cool post. It sounds like you really enjoyed yourself. I’m curious about the boundaries part. How do you set up and mantain boundaries? What were the boundaries that you needed to help you find happiness?
I love this post! It is such good advice and helps me remember what I set out to do after the end of my relationship and how I’ve sort of gotten away from that. Look at all of these nourishing activities you have found for yourself! I hope you have learned that you can live a rich life with or without a partner. I’m still working on developing that mindset… It’s nice to see someone else on that path.
Beautiful post:-)!!!!!!I am following that path right now…Reading your post has really inspired and motivated me!
Yes, please, I agree with Tim. Can you please define that? Any book you read?
This is exactly what I’m in the process of doing right now. I just got out of a difficult relationship and am wondering who I really am outside that context. Great read, thank you!
Good post-until the ‘I joined a dating site’ bit..
Yes, great up to the ‘I joined a dating site ” bit… just because you know/respect/like yourself better doesn’t mean you know the kind of person you want to attract. You might be completely surprised that they don’t tick your boxes or you might prefer to stay independently single.
Hi Tim,
Boundaries are tricky, at least they were for me. I wasn’t aware of what I wanted so I did whatever people asked me to do. I would just go along with whatever they suggested. For instance, my ex and children like to ride any motorized vehicles they could find. My ex would ask me to go, so I would. I didn’t want to go but I thought it would be enjoyable for him if I went, so I did. We would travel out into the cold at an alarming speed, I would stand around and watch him have fun, then we would get back on the machines and go home. I didn’t have fun. I would have had more fun sitting by the fire reading a book. Had I had boundaries I would have said “no, you go have fun in the snow and I will read my book by the fire.” My boundaries were crossed because I didn’t feel safe going really fast, I told him that and he went fast anyway. I didn’t have to go fast but I might have gotten lost in the woods if I didn’t and I wanted to prove I could hang with the men. Ego, I know. It’s complicated, but by finding out where my boundaries are in regard to safety and what I like to do I now know I can have a conversation with someone and let them know what I am willing to do and stand up for myself if I don’t want to to something. Sounds like a blog post!
Wow this is so inspiring! I haven’t been through a divorce but I’ve experienced a few relationships which have traumatised me into starting again because I didn’t know how to. But, like you, I started searching for things and trying things out and doing the things I didn’t know how to do when I was in a relationship. I discovered Yoga and meditation and I love it so much and it helps me learn how to define myself. This is a great article, I can’t thank you enough for sharing this story. I wish you the best in your life and I also hope you do find someone who you are happy with and who is happy with you too. Namaste.
Thank you for this, it made me see something about myself that I can be proud of – and provided an opportunity to finally see a similarity in the emotion, rather than the differences in fact.
Unlike you, and many I read about, I knew at a very early age that I would never find comfort in the expectations of others – regardless of exceeding them or just “breaking even.”
Or at least the only one I wanted it from.
And though choosing to be “nobody” has clearly been the wrong path (for me) to take, I can at least be proud that I never once submitted to being “defined.” I allowed the “moment” to dictate my responses; I allowed my need to be liked by everyone to shape how I responded; I made many choices that were – perhaps – not “ideal.” (yeah, yeah, yeah – they were perfect for me; brought me to this realization, yada, yada…. I’m getting there, don’t rush me, lol)
The one thing (that I can recognize so far) that a child knows that adults forget that I managed to never loose sight of:
Don’t ever let yourself be “locked-in” to anything.
Though I forgot the “even yourself” part.
Thank you for this post. This is exactly how I feel. My friends keep hassling me to go out and meet someone or get into a relationship with any guy that’s interested in me. But I don’t want to yet. I’m still on this journey of discovering all the different elements to me. All my likes and dislikes and interests and passions. I am happy and grateful to be on my own right now. I want to full 100% unconditionally in love with myself and I’ll know I will attract the right guy when the time is right.
This article comes to me at exactly the right time. I broke up with my ex last year and have spent the time rethinking what I really want in a man. Recently I thought I’d met the right one, but he does not love me back, so I was back in a rut thinking how everything was going wrong. But your article spoke right to my heart. Now I know it’s not about the man- it’s about me. Thank you. 🙂
I suppose this is great advice for someone who gets divorced and has the opportunity to really focus on themselves before seeking out love. But some of us married young and overall the marriage is good, but we realize later on that we didn’t fully know our own boundaries/needs when we got involved. In addition, boundaries and needs aren’t static–they change all the time. Part of being in a relationship is learning to navigate our own and our partner’s changes. You *won’t* know yourself completely before getting into a relationship–it’s not possible because who you are will change. A good relationship will accommodate those changes (not always easily, but it will). It is possible to figure out who you are and what you want without throwing away the relationship you had prior to figuring that out. No, not all relationships can survive it, but some can. And if you’re out there looking for love, it’s probably better to find someone who respects you as a person and is willing to learn and change as time goes on than someone who meets every one of the needs you have at this moment.
I had to write in. You just wrote about me, my life, what I am doing right now and trying and discovering without knowing or naming it. Living true to myself and finding the love and validation within, after it seems centuries of looking in the wrong places. And I seem to have taken exactly the same actions that you seem to have done. I still wont say I am in a happy place but I am definitely in a peaceful one! And I know I am on the right path. . . expressed so well.
Hi Guest,
Thanks for your response and while I don’t agree, I respect your right to say it. Fortunately, we are all individuals and get to decide for ourselves how we live. My choice is that I want to be in a loving relationship and not live alone. If you want to live independently single, that is your choice and I respect that.
Hi Guest,
Thank you for you comment. I’m sorry you didn’t like the dating site comment but I choose to write honestly. For me, the dating site worked. I hope your choices work for you.
Thank you Naira,
Good luck with your pursuits!
Hi Martine,
Thank you for your comment. I have been out of my relationship for over 5 years and have learned a lot about myself. While I loved my time getting to know myself and living singly, I am the kind of person that enjoys spending time with another person. I still live independently with someone who is also independent. It’s a great path for me to follow.
Thanks Kurogane!
Hi Meelie,
Have fun on your journey!
Hi Naira,
Thanks for your comment. The book question is a great question. I haven’t read any specific boundary books but I looked it up on Amazon and there are quite a few to choose from. For me, I was aware where I had let my boundaries slip, it was more of a feeling then a thought process. I have the Tiny Buddha book that I always refer to, it has great insights. I also read Eckhert Tolle and Michael Singer and lots of others I keep for reference. If you find a good one, let me know.
Hi Coraline,
It’s kind of fun, isn’t it? I am still on my journey and find myself falling back into old bad habits. It’s when I lose my awareness this happens. If it feels right, stay on your path. Good luck!
Hi Diane,
Your comment is actually my story. I married young and we both changed. The divorce was not my choice. Unfortunately, both people need to want to stay and grow together. I would have liked to have had that opportunity. My story is a bit more complicated then can be written about here and what I have learned is that we all have our own stories with twists and turns that have made our lives what they are. And you are right, “a good relationship will accommodate those changes”. I am sorry to say I did not have a good relationship with room for accommodation. Thank you for your comment, it has a lot of truth to it that more people need to hear.
Hi Sophia,
Thanks for your comment. I have learned that sometimes two people just aren’t meant for each other. It’s not about a rut, or you, or him. Sometimes things going wrong are also signals that things need to change or are actually going right, if that makes sense! Good luck on your journey!
Hi Cat,
My friends pestered me too. I finally relented just to get them off my back (boundary issues again). Have fun learning who you are!
Hey Melissa! Thanks for writing back, and yes- you’re right! I really like the positive way you look at it. I was very much in a comfort zone and it’s the universe sending all these signs for me to butt out! feel so much better now, thank you. 🙂
🙂
I love this post!! I can totally relate to this because I also had came to this realization towards the end of the year last year. I allowed one man to consume my life and thoughts that I lost focus of myself and who I was, what I wanted. He lived his life but I wasn’t living mine. In the end, it didn’t end up working out, and I too didn’t know who I was or what I liked or wanted. This past year I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been, trying new things and experiences, whether it’s with friends or on my own. I realized I was missing out on life. I didn’t know who I was and part of me didn’t like who I was at that time either. At the end of the day, we all have to do what’s best for ourselves. I’m glad that things have turned out really well for you, best of luck with your journey. Thanks so much for sharing. 🙂
Graham,
Thank you for the really thought provoking reply. I pranced through life into my 40’s with no awareness of anyone other than me and my immediate family. It’s amazing you had that ability at such a young age.
I’m not sure what you mean by the “nobody” comment. Everyone is somebody, which is defined by ourselves, not society. A hard concept for me to understand at times…
Living in the moment is a work in progress for me, it’s really hard at times. But the practice allows me to not be “locked-in” to anything, I hope…
Thanks Navy, good for you! Sounds like you’re on the right life path too!
Thanks Sara,
It’s a work in progress!
You’re welcome, and yes, it is, but behind it lays so much opportunity!
And reading this has actually been a boost, so thanks again! 😀
Hey Cat, I’ve experienced this too! It can be annoying and sometimes you can feel guilty for saying no because you know that their intention is to help you, but it’s the way that they do it that makes it worse for you. I too am alone but in all honesty it’s actually a good time to think of yourself and build trust, love, respect and compassion within you before sharing it with someone else. You can’t build a bridge without the foundation, same goes to your relationship with yourself. And indeed, you will attract the right guy when the Universe feels it’s right for you, because you are the Universe, and when you’re ready, the Universe is ready for you. Namaste to you 😀
Hi Melissa, No I haven’t choosen the single option 🙂 but ended a 25 yr marriage, had 5 yrs happily single exploring great places which is why I connected with your post.. and the dating site worked for me, but the man I found is definitely not what I thought I’d be looking for and I was really surprised by that and a lot of our interests are different and yet it’s a fantastic relationship. I just wanted to point out that my experience has been you can have a great loving relationship and have some different interests and you might think you know what you are looking for on that dating site, but you might have it all wrong. If I hadn’t looked outside of what I thought I needed in a relationship I wouldn’t have found him.
Thank you for this lovely post. I have just recently gone through a divorce and learned that it didn’t work because I didn’t know who I was and didn’t have boundaries. Because of that, I attracted a guy who stepped all over my heart. I am now enjoying life and have decided that I will set boundaries and focus on the things that I enjoy–my job, friends, animals and realize that my own fulfillment will make me a better partner in the future.
BEAUTIFUL and powerful message! Thank you for sharing your experience, and one that I believe is truly vital and the gateway to people’s happiness and complimenting each other instead of completing each other (which only leads to disappointment the majority of the time!) Well stated words of wisdom!!! 🙂
Hi Guest, I agree with that. The dating site I used was not one where I looked. It matched me with common interests, there was no “shopping.” The “shopping” sites scared me! I have even found, now that I am in a relationship, that it is still constant work. I also try to re-define “need” in a relationship. That’s why I did all the work on myself. I wanted to be whole so the only need I would have is the need to really want to spend time with the man I am with. Does that make sense?
Amen!! ‘Finding Yourself Before Finding Love’; I can’t stress the importance of this! There are tons of people that get into relationships/ marriage, and they never learned how to be one with themselves before trying to be one with another. Self discovery gives us the opportunity to find and fill our own voids, so we are able to be whole as individuals. When you show up as self-fulfilled person in a relationship there will be no need to yearn for a partner to complete you. If you’re just coming out of a relationship/ marriage, I definitely believe there needs to be a break to rest, reflect, and rejuvenate. Once you rediscover who you are, build up confidence, and are crystal-clear on what you want, then you can jump back in the dating world. Great post & advice!
Having been divorced for 2 years now, I have yet to discover myself. Your blog has made me realize that I haven’t been living a life that I need to live. Thank you for liberating me! One of the things I want to do is travel and I know it will take much of my energy and finances to do that but I’ll find a way to do it, somehow, one day, soon. 🙂
Shawna,
Thanks for your remarks, right on target!
Thanks!
Good luck Sally! It’s a fun ride and well worth it.
Hi Dottie,
It took me years to do the work. Good luck and have fun!
I can’t tell you how much I can relate to this post. Thank you for sharing!
This is beautiful!! I’m having a very similar experience with dating. Reading this has made me realize that I too have to step back from dating, and focus on myself, that’s the healthiest thing I can do for me and others. Thank you for writing this!
Thanks Rainbow!
Thanks Gina!
This is a fantastic post! Love!!