“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Almost all of my romantic relationships have had some kind of long ending. At some point I’ve gained clarity on the relationship, I’ve acknowledged the truth that it’s not working out, and then I’ve ended it.
I would like to say that was the end of the story, that I moved on each time with peace and ease. But the reality is that I second-guessed myself and ended up excusing all of my partners’ faults to justify giving them another chance.
There have been significant studies that show that our brains literally become addicted to our partners. But our relationships also have an emotional attachment. Oftentimes our partner fulfills some kind of void for us, particularly from childhood.
Maybe we want to know that our partner will put us first or will never leave us, or maybe we want to feel that we are worthy of being loved unconditionally. These wants make it difficult to go through with a breakup — even when it’s for our own good.
To have a healthy separation, we have to understand that breakups are huge obstacles to overcome, and have compassion for ourselves as we navigate the intense emotions.
It’s important to know yourself and what you need to do to move forward. Even then, it can prove difficult to remain steadfast. Breakups can re-open deep wounds that evoke powerful emotion.
Flip-flopping in relationships is a sign that we aren’t clear on what is best for us or how to give ourselves what we need.
We’re dealing with the intensity of feelings and the brain’s addiction, so we have to learn how to gain and maintain clarity for ourselves. The back and forth shows that there is doubt and uncertainty. It shows us that we aren’t abiding by our own truth.
I was once in a relationship for about eight months. It was a deeply powerful and transformative relationship for me. But we broke up because something was fundamentally off.
Two months later (and in a depression), I convinced myself I had made a mistake—that I just needed to accept him as he was and we would be fine—and I asked for him back.
That lasted maybe a month. Then two more months passed, and we got together to exchange belongings. Feelings opened back up, and we spent another month or two together. It ended again.
Four months apart. I was doing great. I was strong. Then it was my birthday, and he popped up. Two more months together. And then reality hit me.
The truth was that the relationship had depleted me completely. I had no energy for myself. I had no ability to be truly happy when we were together because I was giving all of myself to him. He was pulling on me to fill his voids, and I was depleting myself in an attempt to acquire his love.
The back and forth was exhausting and a little embarrassing.
I could never wish those encounters didn’t happen, because I learned tremendously from each one of them. But now I’ve learned the lesson, and moving forward I know how to stand by my own side and cultivate relationships that are balancing and harmonious.
This particular ex recently popped back into my life, and this time I was prepared. I’d done deep work on myself since our last communication. I understood the root of my attachment to him, and I realized that I was punishing myself for “messing up.”
I had wanted his love back, at any expense to my own well-being. I also had a deep realization that I am worthy of a healthy partner, someone who can have an equal exchange of depth and intimacy with me.
Recognizing these truths and putting my happiness before his allowed me to put up firm boundaries so we could have healthy communication.
Having boundaries is an act of respect for yourself. It shows you and the person you’re in communication with that you value yourself first and foremost.
I was very clear within myself (and later with him) that I was not willing to open up any door that would lead down a road that was unhealthy for either of us.
I was no longer willing to put myself out for him, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t willing to give him some of my time. I was able to show him compassion and still be true to myself.
I also know that I am where I need to be—without him as a romantic partner. And I have faith in my own path. I know the only thing I need to do is to connect with the deeper part of myself and allow it to guide me.
We all know what is best for ourselves, even in the times when we feel most confused. Trusting our inner voice, even when it may sound tiny and muffled, is the key to ending the cycle of breaking up and getting back together—and the path to a healthier, happier relationship.
Breaking up image via Shutterstock
About Michelle D'Avella
Michelle D’Avella is an author, Breathwork teacher and mentor. Her memoir, The Bright Side of a Broken Heart is available here. Download her FREE guide to heal your heart and follow her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
That was painfully familiar…my history had been one of staying in relationships way beyond their best before date had expired..years beyond…always at the cost of pieces of my being..,there really was nothing you could do to me that would make me give up on you and walk away..when the last one ended in deception and betrayal 4 years ago, there wasn’t enough left of me to have rescued myself…her leaving actually set me free…it’s been a long way back though…overstaying required that I turn my self care radar scope completely off..a soul numbing state of existence. .. I knew I couldn’t do that again… I initially returned to dating way before I was ready…my self care scope was turned all the way up in those days…I walked away at the first signs of hesitancy or unavailability.. I cycled back and forth through several pairings with my lack of confidence in following my intuition…eventually I began to take the time I needed to just become comfortable with myself..it never really had anything to do with anyone else…I came to realize that it had been me that had betrayed me and me that had engaged in the biggest deception..self deception….I’m single these days and learning to love and be comfortable with myself…it feels like the beginning of what might be a healthier long term relationship. The one I have with myself…go figure.
So beautiful, Stephen! You’re so right that it never has anything to do with anyone else. I applaud you for learning to become comfortable with yourself and learning to love yourself before looking for a partner. It really is a prerequisite to healthy partnership.
I know this is right but i have been in an unhealthy relationship for 12 years and have no self confidence or self worth at all. He constantly looks at other women,belittles me and puts down everything I say. The trouble is I don’t think i can afford to go out alone as we are not married and everything is in his name. I work full time but I also have a disabled son from a previous relationship who he does help me with and this is the only thing I value and would struggle without him there to help me. I have tried but unsuccessfully to get outside help for my son but to no avail. I don’t know which way to turn. I’m permanently exhausted from the strain of everything but feel this relationship is destroying me most.
Hi Kassie. I am so sorry to hear this. I think it’s important to come face to face with the truth that there is no good excuse to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly. There are always ways to find support, but most importantly you need to work on finding your own source of self love. If you go to my website there is a free guide to true happiness through self love that should help you get started. Best wishes to you.
Kassie I truly feel your pain because I’m living the same kind of nightmare. But I have 3 small kids with my partner who does everything you mentioned..and it’s been going on for years! My kids have no clue what a healthy relationship looks like because they’ve only seen us fight and argue almost constantly. I’m emotionally and physically drained and feel extremely hopeless. I know I need to shut the door..he will never be the loving, caring partner I yearn for. But being alone as a single mom is scary and oh so overwhelming mainly because the depression I’m feeling is paralyzing. To me, it seems impossible I could ever do it. I know that’s just my low self confidence talking..he’s whittled me down to nothing. I’m a shell of my former self. I’ve even thought of suicide but could never leave my kids..it’s just how miserable I am. I’m praying that something clicks..that somehow I go on and can be happy and healthy again with my kids and finally let him go. It would be 20 years overdue but better late then never right? I’m praying you finally realize that your a beautiful woman with so much to offer and so deserving of real love..not subjected to a vampire type man who sucks the very life out of you. We should both make a pact..to find happiness by letting go of what’s familiar..these men..but who are so destructive to us. In my case I have to do it soon..because he’s all but ruined me. I’m not the person I once was. I’m depressed, angry, resentful..extremely resentful..at all he’s taken from me. But he did give me three beautiful kids who deserve so much better and who don’t deserve to endure our horrible relationship, stay strong Kassie and I’ll try to do the same. The men we loved aren’t there anymore. They will never ever change and unless we want to be doomed to misery, leaving is key to our happiness in the long run. Sending you a big hug across the vast Internet and know your not alone! Jodie
When you go through life with that vulnerability (“I need somebody to manage my life because I can’t do it on my own”)… toxic people detect you as a potential victim -on an unconsciouss level, of course) and get attracted to you, knowing that with you they can allow themselves anything, any behaviour, because you are willing to put up with anything just to be with someone. When we finally accept the painful but inavoidable truth (that we must be in charge of ourselves)… we can choose ours partners with more wisdom, instead of paying any price just not to be alone.
Thank you so much for sharing. Rings very true to me. Love and light for your path.
Thank you, Alexia!
Exactly, Paula! Essential to accept ourself fully, find self love, and raise our vibration to attract better partners.
Jodie- I hear so much wisdom in your words. I hope you seek support. I also want to point out that it’s dangerous to wait for something to just click. You have the stregnth and power within you in each moment to choose to do what is best for you and your children. Ask yourself, “Why not now?”
Hi Jodie & Cassie,
I’ve been going though similar situation. Having kids complicate things, and marriage isn’t easy even for the most emotionally intelligent couples. For me, leaving my 25 year marriage isn’t to be taken lightly. And I’m not doing myself nor my kids any favors if I’m not reflecting on both our roles in the dysfunction, because if I can’t learn that, I can’t learn how to avoid “the grass is greener” complex & ensure any unhealthy or irrational thinking that got me to this place won’t simply lead me into other unhealthy relationships. We teach others how to treat us.
I was so focused on wishing, fighting, resenting & changing things in him that likely won’t change after years or repeats, when I’ve actually found more inner peace & clarity by accepting his flaws..& then setting/maintaining firm boundaries so I no longer subject myself to the staring, fighting, etc.
My husband has severe ADHD, & I’ve recently learned that a lot of his perceived insensitivity, inability to recognize social cues, indifference, & impulsive behaviors are symptoms. I see that he loves me & is trying, but struggles greatly, but am realizing that my perceived pain is really a by-product and not intentional, & an learning to look past his poorly executed communications for the underlying message. I also explained how the staring hurts & is disrespectful, so we tried defining staring so we’re on the same page & created signals (like clearing my throat or saying “oh she’s beautiful”), and I am also working on my own insecurities so I feel better about myself. If the staring is bad enough, he understands that I may calmly leave.
I also recently realize I’ve been codependent, & losing myself in this marriage. A codependent lives “as if”- as if what others think matters more than what they think, as if they can please or change someone else, as if they have to answer to another person or persons rather than their own inner voice and God. It’s an insidious and pervasive addiction. And there is a simple way out of it – detachment & acceptance. Accept what is. I didn’t cause it, I can’t fix it..
For me, how can I decide to leave if I don’t yet know where I want to go? I continually reflect on if I will find more inner peace & joy by staying or by leaving? Neither being married nor single is easy, but I decided I want no regrets if I divorce… and for me that means trying everything I can to see if this can be salvaged first without forfeiting my sense of self in the process. Not tolerating disrespect doesnt always have to mean leaving. It may help keeping a pros & cons list of what brought you together, what you would enjoy if you stay, vs if you leave. I listed everything from social, family, finances, chores, etc.
The most challenging relationships can be our greatest teachers. And only YOU have walked in your shoes, and thus can determine if you should stay and try alternative therapies or go. The most important thing is stay grounded in reality…misperceptions kill marriages. It often takes two to bring a marriage to dysfunction, not one. Gottman’s books and exercises on relationships helped me be more honest with myself about my role. If you do decide to leave, look up divorce resources on healing and taking it one day at a time.
Regardless of what you decide & when, find the light & lessons through the times of darkness and uncertainty.
Here is some reading that’s been helpful for me:
* John Gottman’s books & exercises, & great tips on when it’s time to leave
* Tiny Buddha’s Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (name your own fair price)
* Excel At Life’s website & apps like CBT Journal & Happy Habits. It focuses on realistic positive thinking & seeing both roles
* Brilliant Quotes app-great inspirational, mindful & motivational quotes, & you can add your own & set it to send you daily quotes on the topic of your choosing. Inspiration & motivation are like baths…we need it daily.
Our quality of life is directly proportional to the amount of uncertainty we can comfortably deal with. I’ve made it a daily intention to focus on what will bring me inner peace & happiness. That includes naming 3 things i have to be grateful for every morning, & planning something that makes me happy everyday (it could be something little, big, or a step toward a goal). And asking myself each morning, “What do you have to look forward to today?” It helps to refocus on those good things and not give myself permission to ruminate when it’s not constructive. It’s okay to not always have the answers right now…we’ll find them when we’re ready.
I hope you can practice being empowered, and finding daily peace as you take your unique authentic journey of mutual love, acceptance and discovery. Be kind, courageous, & brave.
Good luck & Namaste!
Beautiful post, Michelle! Relationships become so much clearer when, as you said, you realize, “Having boundaries is an act of respect for yourself.”
The key is then in forming and sticking to those boundaries, reforming them as you go.
Thank you for this!
Exactly! Thank you so much!
W. A. L. K.
Thanks for the advice.
You need to go. It will only keep destroying you.
Its going to HURT LIKE HELL in the beginning but with time, u look back and wonder why the hell you stayed so long. RUN NOT WALK.
This type of man knows he got you under his control, he will never change because you are dependent on him. This types of people get off on power and control, it feeds their small pathetic ego.
I realize you have three kids, and i feel very sorry for them. Its not an example of healthy relationship they should be witnessing.
Sure – try, but it should be two people trying equally. If one is trying and the other one is not – eventually you will blow up.
Michelle. You sharing your story hits home. I went through a similar situation like yours. Sometimes, it’s best NOT to stay in a relationship with someone that went beyond the expiration date.
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. There was no communication between the two of us for a whole month, and he couldn’t make the time to spend with me. His actions left a terrible taste in my mouth, since I was considered to be his “secondary option.” It doesn’t feel good. A mutual friend of his told me that his cell phone was shut off, and he wanted to work two jobs. He knew where I lived, he knew I where worked, so he could have stopped by to check in with me. Worse of all, he couldn’t make himself available in case if I needed anything. Even if he did care about me, he had a funny way of showing it.
My current boyfriend and I were friends. He’s ALWAYS supportive. If I wanted to talk to him, he’s a phone call away. I realized that I was dating the wrong men, and truth hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in relationships with those who didn’t have anything to offer, constantly made excuses, and didn’t bother making me a priority. The realization hurts, but at least I know where I went wrong. I’m thankful for my boyfriend. He means everything to me.
Oof, this is really where I am right now… my boyfriend of five years tried to kill himself this summer, and I literally had to drop everything to go help him put his life back together… he was unemployed and depressed for months and I stuck by him and supported him… I think he was expecting that once he got a job everything would be fun, but since he has gotten it I think he is confused… he told me he wanted to break up with me and then talked to his therapist and “realized” he had been pinning his problems on me. And then a month later after this wonderful anniversary weekend, he broke up with me over facebook chat…
I am just feeling so devastated. Especially after this summer he has been telling everyone how wonderful I was to him and how much he wanted to marry me… I am just so shell-shocked and devastated. Our relationship has sometimes been rocky, but I think a lot of it had to do with his depression…
Part of me realizes this is just not healthy for me and he doesn’t treat me well, but the other part of me wants him to come back SO MUCH!!! Ugh. It’s horrible…
Hello my name is Alex I have the same problem I guess but this time my ex girlfriend break up with me. We have been in a unhealthy relationship for four years and I really love her, all I want is to be in a healthy relationship with her. She says she need time and she want to be alone, and suggesting me to be with someone else, I don’t want that at all. I feel like everytime I tried to get close of her and try to fix our relationship she push me away. She says, ” I don’t t feel good with myself and I need time, I need to be ok with myself,
I just want you (me) to be happy with someone else I need time to be along.” I don’t know what to do I really want to put ending the cycle of breaking up and getting back for once. What should I do? Should I give up or should I stay way from her utill she feel better, while I get myself together. Also she is in another state 🙁
Hi Alex. It sounds like she is telling you that she needs space so the only thing to do is to respect that. Focus on yourself. Focus on giving yourself what you need. Love yourself. Find peace. I know it’s difficult, but listening to what your partner is saying is so important.
So sorry to hear this! What a difficult thing to go through. I have been through a similar experience. Sending you lots of love and healing.
So glad to hear you found the right partner and made the best choice for you!
great article
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This is very painful to read. My relationship with my partner has been so up and down, so full of uncertainty and lacking security these past four years, it feels like its so strong and yet so fragile that a simple thing could set the whole thing off and then…well then we’re back to this time last year….. This time last year was quite possibly the worst year of my life. I was in a hazy suicidal stupor, planning to end it all, worried about everything and my ex wasn’t here. He left me and I had no one in the world. I was terrified. It was the WORST time of my entire life and I’m so scared to go back to that dark place because I know I cannot cope. How awful it is, to not even be able to free yourself! And so here we are- and I love him, but I feel the dependency, I feel the fear everyday, I feel the insecurity, the doubt in myself! It is truly shameful but I see no other way. Everyone sees me and says I’m the strongest person they know, but I’m not. I’m just a scared little girl inside.
This is the 5th time he broke up with me.. he always complain about us fighting. I don’t know what to do now.. I want him to want me back i don’t want to force him. That’s why after begging, i stopped. He said he already made up his mind.. I want him back..
am having this breakup stuff on and off. today we just made up when a few days ago I wanted her to go jump from a mountain top without a parachute.
so I attribute this to 1. we are both not experienced with relationships 2. her good qualities are very many. most beautiful I ever had. great cook. properly satisfied sexwise for the first time in my sorry life. humour etc.
its when she argues out of nothing she gets weird. circular arguments and insults like iam her worst enemy.
what can I really do?
When You break up once Think hard and think deep. That’s as big of a sign that there is something not right between You, as You can receive . Clear your mind, take Your time to think about, take your time to not think about it, go out have fun, get away and calm down. There is absolutely no point in going back and forth if You haven’t taken time to think it through properly. The way i see it is that the temporary pleasure of getting back is not worth the pain You cause yourself and Your partner when You “end” the relationship again and again. Pain from the break up can be overwhelming but it strenghtens You if You are willing to learn from it, dont fight it, embrace it, give your thanks and let go.
It also sounds like she doesn’t want/need the pressure of trying to make you happy while she is trying to figure things out for herself. I would if I were you take that as a token of her respect for you, and try to move forward on your own now.
My ex and I broke up almost 3 year ago. During the past 3 years, we reconnected with each other every a half year after a no contact period and we would start to hang out again.
At some point after we had been intimacy and acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, he would pull away.
We still like each other and attractive to each other, but he doesn’t want to give it a try to get back together because he is afraid it will end with nothing.
I am so sad about his behavior and I am really tired of this cycle. I let him keep hurting me is because I don’t love myself enough? I think I love myself a lot though. People say if you love that person, you should set them free. I am willing to give him freedom, but I can’t stop him coming back. Don’t really know what to do.
Sorry dont agree.. The thing is my oartner doesnt fill anything no voids nothing.. He doesnt fall into my pit of emotional baggage. . when i start doubting and getting crazy he doesnt feed it. He steps back while i look inside myself. I ser where i need work and what may be his issues.. Then we work theough it.. Tho neither of us fill any voids or needs for the other it the oposite
I finally ended the breakup cycle with my ex boyfriend today. I gotta say, it’s hard to cut off all contact with him because he constantly calls me at work and home. I have changed my home number but I know he will call me at work. I really don’t want my boss to find out. What should I do? He will continue to call even if I avoid him.
This is true I never suffered heart break from someone until I was 19. I was deeply in love and he was so on and off and hot and cold… I thought we were back together for months when all of a sudden he was getting married… I had no idea… This was after three years of a Constant make up and break up cycle…… He even popped up on me in my relationship after him and then when I got married… And after both of those ended after their affairs… He tried to contact me a year ago after I realized he was why I picked terrible men for me… Him and my father… I finally was able to end it with him and had no feelings of longing and now have a great bf who is nothing like my exes… It can be hard to break away from someone who you think you can’t kick but when you do it it’s painful but so worth it
Yes…
It's kinda wild responding to a comment that was written 10 years ago. Everything you did was correct and I really hope you are happy and healthy today Stephen. When you’re always breaking up and getting back together, it’s hard to ever really move forward. Letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up, it means you’re choosing to put yourself first and make room for something better.
To anybody go through this right now… you need to make it your top priority to get over this person. Trust me, I know it's a brutal feeling but I promise you will look back and be happy you made the decision. If you need help getting over them, there's an incredible guide called Beat The Breakup. You can find it at: BeatBreakup. info
Great post! I just ended a 5 year relationship and didn’t realize I am an addict to my dysfunctional relationship. Your article made me realize that I need to respect myself and need to stop allowing my boyfriend to come back and suck the living life out of me. Thank you for opening my eyes and look forward to opening my heart to a healthy relationship.
I am going through this phase, we’ve been dating for 5 years & about to get married (according to plan), but this last year we kinda fight about anything everything & nothing actually, we say hash words, we hang up on each other, break up & then make up from it the next morning.
I am confused, I dont know if i should breakup because this is an “unhealthy relationship”, or fight for us and accept him as he is , he gets upset easily & has no limits (verbally ofc)
We ve been in an amazing relationship thou we love each other so much but we’re bad for each other, the relationship has become poisonous, we have crazy negative moments more than happy ones, we are more distant, not afraid at all to hurt each others feelings & too lazy to make a real change.
I m afraid to break up & look for something that may or may not even exist
I m still with him for the sole reason of fear of regret “i better stay with the guy i know, rather than go through the whole dating thing & readapt again to an other person & god knows what his flaws would be like”
Please any help
I only read a story in this article. Where’s the method?
I’d say harden up and work hard. You’ve got food in your belly and a roof over your head. Maybe you need to lose that to appreciate life more.
I was like that. I had my girlfriend as an enemy. But it really was me. I was so afraid to get close. I worked with a therapist and resolved it. Now its her who wants to break up all the time… Maybe its the same reason. I dont see her as the enemy, but still wants her to fill the void. And maybe it doesnt matter if I fight my way into it or ask her nicely. Maybe I am still too pushy even without the aggression. Its such a mess.
Did he come back?
This is incredibly wise, thank you. It really is like a never ending cycle until one decides to cut it off by going no contact. This article was extremely powerful and helpful, thank you!!
Hi Stephen!
This was very moving for me. Thank you for sharing that, it really put things into perspective for me. I am happy you found your peace, it’s very motivating for us who are trying to do the same. Thanks again, stay well. Peace and Love.
Boy that’s a good question but the fact is this if it was meant to be if that person was as much in love with you as you are with her or him you wouldn’t be asking this question right? I wish I could tell myself that for the first time in 60 years I’ve ended up in a mental and physical abuse relationship with a narcissist. He’s doing his ghosting again and I keep trying to leave him I’ve done it over and over again. But I always come back because he comes back. How am I ever going to get myself back I need something to say to him to make him understand that he’s got to decide is it me or is it him. Kelly
My ex and I broke up a lot within the last 6 months of our relationship. It got to a point where it drained me, and every time he broke it off, I would be the one to initiate to work things out again. Each time I would initiate the reconciliation he would thank me for not giving up. But we had a heart to hear talk and discussed that we wouldn’t loosely just say “its over” or “we’re done.” Until recently, we got into a big fight and he broke it off with me. At this point, I’m convinced that he does not love me and respect me, and most definitely cannot commit to me. At the same time, he’s a great person. Everyone who meets him says how much of a good guy he is. And a part of me is afraid I won’t find someone as nice as he is. But at the same time, I just feel like I can’t keep going on with this relationship knowing he can easily break up when the going gets tough. I’m missing him but I’m fighting to hold on and be strong and not call and initiate anything this time around. So far, he has not tried to call me to work things out either…
Thay say the grass is not greener on the other side
It’s hard when you love the person. If you do love each other, put the work in. Go to therapy. I try too hard maybe. My relationship is a roller coaster but I have hope. I’m working on myself. She gets mad so easy and stays mad for days. I am trying to be patient but it hurts during the silent treatment
This is pretty close to my situation. I love her but we break up every week it seems. How’s it going?