“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” ~Chinese Proverb
I’m not going to put myself out there.
I’m afraid to fail.
I’m afraid to succeed.
What are they going to say about me?
What if I’m not good enough?
What if they laugh at me?
Are people going to think I’m weird?
What are people going to think of me?
The list of worries goes on and on. Our minds like to swim in the ocean of complacency.
We all have fears. Let me repeat that—we all have fears. Guess what? They’re not going away.
It’s time we embrace the fact that we need to be vulnerable.
I had the opportunity to see Brene Brown speak recently at the World Domination Summit in Portland. Brene is a professor, author, and powerful storyteller. She has done some amazing research on embracing vulnerability and basically knocking fear out.
It was an enlightening talk for me. As a guy’s guy (or at least I think of myself as one), I’m the guy that defaults to putting my armor on. Nice and tight.
I’m challenged to put my feelings out there. I tend to put on a happy face, even when sadness hits. I default to the old school way of thinking—the “never let them see you sweat” motto. I’m working on it, however, and I’m making progress.
My Evolution
It’s not that I’ve never put myself out there. I started a blog in 2009 about productivity and personal development. It was hard for me to open up. A number of questions surfaced (like the ones at the beginning of the post).
What were people going to think? Why am I qualified to talk on these topics? I finally said screw it and jumped in.
It was a daily struggle for me. I would start to write a post, only to throw it out as I let this fear creep in. I swear I have about 100 drafts all over the place (and many more in the garbage can).
Although I was putting myself out there with my writing (when I finally posted something), I was never really putting myself out there consistently. It was a case of one step forward, three steps back.
I hear a lot of people talk about how important it is to just hit “send”—to move past the fear of judgment. It’s vulnerability at its essence.
I let fear win for a long time. It was a process; it always is. The first step to conquer this fear was to simply know it was there. Knowing is one thing; however, beating it is another.
Did I make some progress with my writing? Sure. It was weak progress though. My progress entailed small leaks in my armor.
Then, I got lucky. I started to hear from random people that I was making a difference in their lives. I couldn’t believe it. I can’t explain that feeling of knowing what you’re doing is helping someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s one person. This was the transformation for me. The validation.
No longer was my vulnerability holding me back.
My fear hasn’t gone away completely. It never will, but that’s a great thing. When you’re feeling vulnerable or fearful, it means you care.
Think about that the next time you feel that way. You care—simple as that. Once I embraced that and received the positive feedback, it was off to the races.
Fortunately, this is bleeding over to many areas of my life. For example, I’ve been able to conquer my fear of public speaking through practice, as I joined Toastmasters a couple years ago. Once again, letting go was the key to my success there.
It’s still a work in progress, but it’s amazing what happens when you just let go.
Are there areas of my life that I need to work on? Absolutely.
Success breeds success though. It’s a snowball effect. Once you submit to your vulnerability on one thing (and just accept it and push through), it will be that much easier with your next challenge.
How do you embrace vulnerability? These key steps are a start:
Be Aware.
Open yourself up. Be present. Understand what makes you experience this fear. As I stated above, until I realized my fear was based on how much I cared, I was held hostage. This is the first step. If you aren’t in tune with this, there’s no way to embrace or overcome it.
Be Honest.
Don’t try to fool yourself. Just because you’re putting yourself out there in some capacity, that doesn’t mean you’re not letting fear get the best of you the other 95% of the time. Find one thing to focus on. Get your first victory, and then go from there.
Be okay with it.
I know, it’s hard to say you’re scared or vulnerable. It’s really freaking hard. It’s normal. Your ability to be okay with vulnerability will bring exponential results when it comes to experiencing joy. I bet if you asked every person you’re close to whether or not they experience fear, you would get 80% to say yes. The other 20% would be lying.
Jump.
You’ve got to break free at some point. Take the shield off. Go write that letter you’ve been thinking about for the last five years. Tell someone you’re sorry, even if you think it should be them coming to you. Write that novel that’s dying inside of you. Just jump. I promise it won’t be as bad as you think it will be.
There is infinite power in embracing your vulnerability. It means letting go—letting go of failed relationships, failed projects, and anything in your past that felt like a failure—and putting yourself out there in the now. Until you let go and focus on the present, joy is just a myth.
Don’t wait. Take off your armor. Embrace your vulnerability.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us…Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Photo by Manoj Mohan
About Jon Giganti
Jon is the founder of The Catalyst Project, a blog about work/life performance and contributing to the world. In addition to writing and coaching, Jon is in corporate technology sales and serves on the Board of Trustees for the non-profit, Creative Living. He lives in Columbus, OH with his wife and two children.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Really loved this post! I really needed to hear it today. I have deliberateing on making a move out West to LA and something doesn’t feel right just yet. This made me think about what I really want – perhaps it’s the career change and my move was just me moving away from what I want to do, although i do want to live there at some point and now seems to be the time! Yet, fears come up like, what if it doesn’t work, it’s going to be a ton of work to make money especially if you aren’t super clear on what you want to do, etc. I’m wondering how you make it work, being able to support yourself and write! I love writing and blog myself and am wondering how you started, how many jobs you had, etc.
Thank you for being so vulnerable:)
“my move was just me moving away from what I want to do” – i meant moving away from what I don’t want to do
Keep going Lianda. Listen to your inner voice. You live now (and only once… as the 007 would say). I think experiences will make you rich (not the money).
Stay Great!
It’s a great public ‘commitment’ Jon. I’m sure such a post helps me and also you.
About: ”My fear hasn’t gone away completely. It never will, but that’s a great thing.” I’m sure with your attitude you will be postively surprised… and completely let the fear gone away.
Build fun 😉
When you’re feeling vulnerable or fearful, it means you care. Thanks for the reminder! I found myself nodding a lot while reading your post. So many of us pull back right before the break through because we are afraid of what will happen when we have success. Time to focus and push forward.
Have a wonderful day!
http://eligkee.blogspot.com/
I blogged my story of this year in response to this post. I did exactly what it recommends to do.
Perfect timing for me today…I’ve been very comfortable with putting myself out there via my blog, but I have taken an extra couple of steps recently that scare me…and all those same fear-based statements and questions came pouring out…I’ve decided that I am going to trust the process and each step I take. Thanks for the reinforcement!
I’ve struggled with vulnerability with most of my life, I’ve consciously put out the effort last year to be vulnerable. Extremely nerve racking! I also struggle with anxiety, which made it even harder. Long story short, my teacher told me to be more open before I started college or else I’ll suffer for it. I took the chance and I’ve written a poem on vulnerability last year.
http://tinyurl.com/9oqnhoe
I’m gratefully for the post and hope that everyone’s doing well 🙂
Mat – Thanks so much for the comments. It’s not easy to put yourself out there and we need to constantly remind ourselves to let go. I know I’ll experience fear along the way (as we all will). Let’s start to embrace it : )
Take care.
Jon
Hi Karen – Thanks for the comments! I experience doubt EVERYDAY but I’ve learned how to embrace it. Sounds like you’re doing the same and it makes me happy to hear. Best of luck! – Jon
I’m so with you! Just “push forward” as you said. Thanks for the comments!
Joutai – What a great last line in your poem (Thanks for sharing!) “I’m not invincible, nor am I perfect. Yet, I accept myself as the human being that I am.” Perfectionism is such a crutch and the fact that you realize it is awesome. Congrats on that. Thanks for sharing (and being vulnerable).
Jon
Hi Lianda….Thanks for sharing the comments. I totally understand what you’re going through and I bet most readers feel the same. My situation is interesting in that I also have a full time corporate sales job (which I love) and I write on the side. Sometimes you have to make ends meet and do some of your “passion” work on the side. Although I’d love to write and consult full time, I realize it may not be in the cards right now (kids, family, etc)….I’ve made a pact with myself that I won’t let that stop me from exploring my passion(s) and helping others through other facets. I moved to Chicago when I was 23 with $1,000 to my name. I waited tables for the first year and struggled. If you go to LA, you may struggle, but you need to embrace that. Surround yourself with good people and don’t let your fears hold you back….and, you’ll be okay – I promise. Best of luck. Keep us all posted on what you decide!
Jon
Hi Jon, The only way I know how to get out of being stuck in a rut, is to allow myself to become vulnerable. Yes, the fear of the unknown is scary, but stagnation is even more scary.
Thank you so much for your blog contribution today! I have been reading my Tiny Buddha Blog emails for the past year and really enjoy when I feel one really hit home! Today, yours was like finding a hidden treasure!
I have had a really difficult few years and because of all the insane stress that has been forced on me and my family (a lot of it military related), my attitude has been unbelievably poor; it always seems to hurt those closest to me in the worst ways. However, I felt that in order to really adjust my attitude, I needed to dig deep and find the root causes of my behavior and frustration (most of them are not directly related to recent happenings either at least the way I react is not). You hit one nail on the head today and made a real wake up call for me!
From being bullied and constantly put down in my younger years, I have refused to really put myself out there and be vulnerable because I am so afraid of failure and what others will think of me; especially those I really don’t care for (I always want to look good/successful in front of those people the most :). Even in college, if I didn’t get an A grade, I wanted to quit and back out. When you are a vet student and wont accept anything but an A… college can be quite the challenge! I needed and still do need to get over it and just do the best that I can. There will always be people that don’t agree with me or what I put out there but that is part of life! I have sat in the shadows for so long because I am afraid of others not liking me and why waste my time!? I have been so unhappy and lonely (minus my husband of course), not to mention frustrated with myself for never trying new things or going further in what I am already very experienced at! To be happy… I am going to have to put myself out there! Thank you again for helping a lost person just looking for a better way of life =)
Thank you. It enlightened me.
Jodi – So great to hear that this has helped. You’re not alone. It’s okay to feel fear, as I talk about in the article. I’ve let a lot of past experiences cast shadows over my decisions (in the past), but I thankfully have been able to change my perspective. Surround yourself with the right people, read inspiring stuff (like Tiny Buddha) and keep putting yourself out there. Just remember, sometimes you just have to look fear in the eye and bring her along for the ride : ) Thanks for the comments and best of luck!
Jon
Justin – Totally agree…..love your comment, “stagnation is even more scary.” Why not be remarkable? We only have a limited time to make a difference in our lives (and the lives of others). Take care and thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Jon
Thanks Lanie – glad to help a little bit : )
Hi Elena…just read your post. Love it….especially your words: “What can I do? How do I take action? It was then that I knew: I would fight. I would turn towards Life and never stop walking.” That’s so awesome I’m not sure if there’s a greater fear breeder out there than cancer. Congrats on such a great outcome and thanks for sharing.
Jon
it wasn’t until i put myself out there, and accept my sickness, did my depression get better. i was scared of all those things too but i found, once overcome, good arrives
Noch Noch
Life. Changing.
I love this post. I benn trying to wire a letter to my ex boybriend for the pat 6 years and I haven had the courage to do it . One because it’s propaby too late . But I feel like we never really closed this chapter in our lives and I still have feelings for him. And I want him to know how I feel. Maybe buy putting my feelings out there I can finally turn the page and move on?
Help.
Thank you so much! Let us all be vulnerable 🙂 we dont need these fiilthy armor
let us all stay vulnerable… and stay naked (not in the joking way hahaha)
Loved this as well. However, would you have been able to continue embracing vulnerability had you not found that others were benefitting from your writings? Imho, that is the hard part…. Putting yourself out there without expectations.
facing my fears is the last thing I need in to help me put myself out there as it only brings back those memories of past injustices as well as memories of a post 911 decade of social decay. Vulnerability for me anyway is something to avoid like the plague as it means to me to be vulnerable to the consequences of socioeconomic abuse with technology taking away the human side of social interaction. These changes has very serious consequences on the personalities of people whom I may try to kindle some sort of companionship with. My attitude of not letting myself be vulnerable to what has happened as well as anticipating the natural limitations of the human brain in an environment that has progressed too fast for evolution to catch up seems to be the most rational way of moving forward.
Your article is extremely inspiring and makes me realize what I’ve been missing out on(because of my fear of rejection) 🙂 I’m trying to open up to people because I’ve been alone for a really long time (scared of people taking advantage of me). Thank you & this article means everything to me right now! 🙂
This is the one time Tiny Buddha really hit home, “when putting yourself out there actually works” lol great read!! Finally happened to me today 🙂