“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
As a child, I got bombarded with the message that I was too much. Everywhere I turned, people said I was too loud, too smart, too heavy, too talkative, too impulsive, too intense, too happy, too forward, too silly.
My too-eager little self took those opinions as commandments, so I tried to fit the image of what others said I should be.
I made myself smaller. It never worked. Our authentic selves force their way to the surface no matter how much we repress them.
But I kept striving to be less than I was, in both body and spirit. My energy got smaller. I felt “less than.” It took me until my thirties to realize the truth.
I made myself smaller so others were more comfortable with me.
Even though it made me uncomfortable with myself, I kept doing it. It was easier to be small. Even my handwriting got smaller. For months after a painful rejection, a tiny, controlled print replaced my usual messy scribble.
As my energy grew smaller, my physical body grew larger. A year ago my petite frame peaked at nearly 210 pounds.
I see now that my spirit—my energy body—craved balance.
To avoid being “too much,” I bit my tongue, repressed my impulses, tensed my muscles, and held my breath. I dampened my own spirit, and it rebelled. My energy body wanted its due, so it forced my physical life to get bigger.
I gained weight. I acquired possessions. I indulged in excessive behaviors.
Like putting a thumb over the end of a garden hose, my entire being forced its way out, powerfully fighting to occupy the space it wanted, the space I denied it.
A recent health scare illuminated this imbalance for me. I left the hospital feeling vulnerable, raw, and lonely. For the first time in my life, I made myself feel that emptiness. I didn’t have the strength not to.
In the past, I would numb such feelings with food or alcohol, so no one could accuse me of being “too emotional.”
This time, I consciously chose to let the emptiness fill me instead of me trying to fill the emptiness. To my surprise, my energy body loved all that space. It stretched out and relaxed.
Around this same time, I moved to a new apartment and started spending time with a man I liked. Suddenly, both internal and external factors motivated me to rein in my excesses and focus on achieving the full potential of these new possibilities.
I radically changed my actions. I intentionally let go of old thoughts and behaviors. They no longer served me.
The result: I lost 50 pounds over the next three months.
I’m convinced my physical body shrank because I first allowed my energy body the space to grow. The more grounded I became, the less my energy body needed to rebel.
When both the new home and the new romance fell short of my too-high expectations, I almost retreated into old habits. Disappointment triggers my feelings of “less than.”
But this time, I broke the cycle. I accepted reality, and welcomed any emptiness it contained. It’s the most empowering thing I’ve ever done.
I began by asking these questions:
1. What are my excesses?
Compulsive behaviors are the first sign that my energy body feels small and is trying desperately to get attention.
Are you overeating? Overworking? Overspending? Are you overly concerned with appearances? Overly critical of others? Do you sleep too much? Drink too much? Party too much? Where is your life out of control and out of balance?
2. Where is my chaos?
I’ve struggled with clutter my entire life. What part of your life is disorganized and messy? Your home? Office? Car? Purse? Finances? Your relationships? Your thinking?
If something is a mess and the thought of organizing it overwhelms me, it’s a sure sign that my energy body feels too small to accomplish the task. Therefore, I don’t even try. Pretty soon, chaos overtakes my life.
3. What am I feeling?
If I live in one default emotion, it’s usually masking deeper, more unpleasant feelings I don’t want to deal with. Like a giant X marking the spot, I have to identify what’s at the surface before I can dig below it.
Do you live in a constant state of worry? Apathy? Anger? Confusion? Fear? Do you cling to others and crave closeness? Do you hide from others and crave distance? Do you try to analyze or control others but avoid turning that attention on yourself?
This is life in a reactive mode, where we spend our days rushing around, missing deadlines, putting out fires, and bending to the will of others. Instead of proactively creating the life we want, outside energies dictate our behavior. Our energy body feels too small to resist them.
So how do we help ourselves become bigger on the inside?
Anything that coordinates breath with movement unites body and energy. Most people know the popular methods such as yoga, Pilates, dance, martial arts, or athletics. For me, it was something called The Alexander Technique.
Developed by F.M. Alexander in the late 1800s, his technique requires no special equipment or location. He discovered that habitual muscle tension interferes with the body’s ability to move with ease, so he developed a way to release that tension.
Alexander was an actor who kept getting laryngitis. He observed himself in mirrors and saw that he tensed his neck when he spoke, which made him hoarse.
He spent years exploring how to release that tension, and found he could do it just by thinking about doing it. His thoughts could affect his body, interrupting the habitual movement that caused his muscle tension. He could then redirect his muscles into more efficient movement.
The Alexander Technique helps create a feeling of space in the body. It literally makes us more comfortable in our own skin.
The beauty is that, by releasing physical tension, it releases emotional tension. When I let go of the muscle tension generated from years of making myself “less than,” all the emotions gridlocked behind it come rushing out.
I can interrupt and redirect not only my habitual movement, but also my habitual behaviors!
When I figured that out, something wonderful happened. I found the space in my life to make different choices. Everything opened up.
This is the space, the emptiness, that allowed my energy body to grow. I started to reverse all those years of being less than I was.
I now understand Lao Tzu’s quote, “To become full one must first become empty.”
When people say that change starts from within, I think this is what they mean. We need to feel bigger on the inside, bigger than anything we might encounter on the outside.
Any kind of tension restricts our spirit. Space is what it needs.
Give your energy body space. You too deserve it.
Photo by Zach Dischner
About Lisa Gardner
Lisa Gardner teaches acting and voice at CUNY's York College in New York City. She's been on TV, on stage, and on theonion.com. She also plays the ukulele and gives great hugs. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Probably my favorite TB yet – thank you so much!
Whoa, I needed to read this article. Thanks for writing it. You have no idea how powerful it resonated with me. I am guilty of trying to be “less than”, deliberately trying to look awful and things like that. I’m definitely going to try that Alexander technique. (As I started reading about it I realized I tighten my core when I speak, specially when I talk about things that hurt emotionally, and I suffer from “inexplicable” stomach pains — coincidence? I don’t think so)
Thank you so much. It really helped and it’s something I’m going to reflect upon.
Yes, Yes, Yes!! Thank you…Thank you! I am in my own period of intense, and raw vulnerability… and have always felt like too much, and that somehow all that “too much” added up to not enough. I’ve never read something that echoed my own thoughts and feelings so clearly. Beautiful.
Great message Lisa! Thank you
I hope your days are filled with minimal clutter and beautiful breaths !
This was great to read. A book that could be interesting for you called, ” The Key to Self-Liberation ” by Christiane Beerlandt. She has a website.
We are much alike. As a child I was labeled ‘gifted.’ This would have been great if it didn’t also separate me from the majority of the kids around me. I was told I was ruining the bell curve and it was my fault they were not getting better grades. So I pushed aside my ‘gifts’ in order to have friends. In addition, my father married a woman when I was 12 who competes and verbally abuses all other women around her in order to build herself up. Puberty with her around was challenging, to say the very least.
I became small in order to avoid being me.
No more. Finally (I was also in my thirties) I decided enough was enough. I started being me and noticing when I was reverting back to the ‘gifted’ child … And doing something to support my gifts rather than push them aside.
Thanks Lisa. You’re brilliant and beautiful.
Thank you Lisa, this almost brought tears to my eyes it resonated so much. Thanks so much for sharing.
Wow! This article is spot-on and really well-timed! Thank you for helping me see things a bit differently. Very refreshing!
Thanks for sharing your story Lisa, I can relate because growing up I so much energy and enthusiasm for life. Eventually I allowed people and circumstances get the best of me in life!
I ran away from home at 16, dropped out of school and never passed the 9th grade, and got into a ton of trouble.
It wasn’t until the age of 21 when my life radically changed! Now going on 38 my life has dramatically changed!
I am Inspired by your story and you losing 50 pounds! I always love hearing how people conquered their lives and have found their purpose!
You my friend are an inspiration!
One Life / One Legacy
Thomas Joe
Wow I’m definitely bookmarking this article Lisa! Thank you for sharing your story, it really resonated with me. I, too, am starting to get bigger (at 45!!!) so much so that I often fancy that I can feel my very cells expanding! It’s quite a journey (-:
Thanks for sharing this.
I carry an immense amount of tension around in my body at all times and have felt “less than” my whole life. I was brought up being told I was a pest and was taught to keep my feelings to myself instead of expressing them to other people. Even these days if I ever want to cry (which is very rare), I’ll shut and lock the door and bury my face in a pillow and try to stay as quiet as I can even when I’m completely alone and there’s no possibility that anyone could hear or see me. If I make what I consider to be too much noise, I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself to the point of not being able to cry anymore, and then just going on with my day.
I heard of the Alexander Technique years ago but never really understood how it worked. Maybe I should look into it more seriously. I feel like I’m in desperate need of feeling like I have space inside — and to feel bigger than the things on the outside.
It brings a Zen koan called “Great Waves” to mind:
‘In the early days of the Meiji era there lived a well-known wrestler called O-nami, Great Waves.
O-nami was immensely strong and knew the art of wrestling. In his private bouts he defeated even his teacher, but in public he was so bashful that his own pupils threw him.
O-nami felt he should go to a Zen master for help. Hakuju, a wandering teacher, was stopping in a little temple nearby, so O-nami went to see him and told him of his trouble.
“Great Waves is your name,” the teacher advised, “so stay in this temple tonight. Imagine that you are those billows. You are no longer a wrestler who is afraid. You are those huge waves sweeping everything before them, swallowing all in their path. Do this and you will be the greatest wrestler in the land.”
The teacher retired. O-nami sat in meditation trying to imagine himself as waves. He thought of many different things. Then gradually he turned more and more to the feeling of the waves. As the night advanced the waves became larger and larger. They swept away the flowers in their vases. Even the Buddha in the shrine was inundated. Before dawn the temple was nothing but the ebb and flow of an immense sea.
In the morning the teacher found O-nami meditating, a faint smile on his face. He patted the wrestler’s shoulder. “Now nothing can disturb you,” he said. “You are those waves. You will sweep everything before you.”
The same day O-nami entered the wrestling contests and won. After that, no one in Japan was able to defeat him.’
Thank you so much! 😀
Thank YOU. And yes, that’s no coincidence! 😀 The Alexander Technique changed my life. Look for free Alexander demos in your area — most AT schools offer them. Let me know how it goes!
What a great way to put it, that “too much” adds up to “not enough”! Embrace your vulnerability! It’s the real strength. 😀
Thank you! Yours, too! Breath is life!
Oooh, thanks for the recommendation. I haven’t heard of that author. I will check her out!
Thank you! You’re brilliant and beautiful, too! Why does it take us so long to realize that?!? Well, at least we finally have! 😀
Thank you so much for reading. Life’s all about those little moments of resonance and connection, and your comment means so much to me. 😀
I know you! 😀
Thank you so much!! You are an inspiration, as well! I love hearing how people come back to education and turn troubled lives around!!
What a great way to put it! When I teach my students about Alexander concepts, I always say, “Imagine that all the cells in your body are now twice as far away from each other!” Keep expanding! 😀
Thank you for this! I was unfamiliar with this koan, but I LOVE water imagery. Definitely look into The Alexander Technique. The word “flow” is quite significant in its practice. Embarrassment and shame block us from so much of what the universe wants to give us! Alexander teaches that one is allowed to think and feel anything, and it’s OK. I hope you one day throw a tantrum in a public place and feel empowered by it!! 😀
That is a fascinating technique, I really like that! Thank you for sharing such wonderful insight, an important message, and being vulnerable with your story! 🙂
Thank you so much for this! The connection between our mind/spirit and body is so important and overlooked at the same time. I struggle as a parent of children with BIG personality to allow them space to be who they are. I’m linking to this article on my website tomorrow.
This post reminds me of the Marianne Williamson quote ‘Our Deepest Fear’, if you haven’t read it I would highly recommend it and if you read it a long time ago I would suggest re-reading it 🙂
Thank you for saying that. Being vulnerable is the greatest strength! 🙂
Thank you for the link!
Thank you! I’m a fan of Marianne Williamson but haven’t read Our Deepest Fear. I’ll look it up. 🙂
thanks for this Lisa – I’ve had a great life, lived in beautiful and wild places, done great things – for myself and others – then through vertigo got severely mentally ill and lost everything – sounds dramatic, but i’m not a winge-er – so am now in ‘sheltered accommodation for the over 55’s’ – Shelter by its name implies nurturing, protecting overhead branches – But comes a time when despite everything – and though 68 – which is after all not THat old – the shelter is suffocating – my Paiste gong can not be played, nor my bowls or chants… so am looking to spread wings – The spirit must soar, the voice must be heard. Thanks for being inspiring – and true to yourself. So I’m looking for somewhere new to live as a start
Thank you for sharing that, Jane! I think sometimes we need to cocoon ourselves into a small, safe environment. But then, like any cocoon, the time comes where we must break out of it and spread our wings!! Happiness and Freedom have no age limit or expiration date! Good luck in your next chapter! 😀
Lisa,
What an amazing article! So much of it resonates with me. I remember the
first time I heard that I was too much to handle, I was shocked. My
adolescent mind could simply not figure out what I was doing wrong. I did all
the things you did, stifled my conversation, spoke less, trying to more
demure just to fit into my family. But that didn’t last for long. In my 20s I
figured out that I was not willing to settle down for whatever was coming my
way. I am now too talkative, too excited, and even too silly when I feel like
it.
Good for you! It’s amazing how, as kids, we think we’re doing something “wrong”. How can being ourselves ever be “wrong”?? Thank you so much for your comment. I’m happy we can lead by example and show today’s kids that their whole self is just fine the way it is.
I absolutely loved this article and it resonated so deep within me. I too spent much of my life ‘playing small’ and didn’t awaken to this fact until I was well into my fourties! I love what you say about letting the emptiness fill you rather than trying to fill the emptiness. As scientists are telling us that all the atoms that compose our body are over 90% space then it makes sense to connect with this space in some way rather than ignore it.
Having battled most of my life with trying to lose weight I like what you say about giving our spirit or energy body the space it requires rather than concentrating only on expanding and filling our physical body. Recently I have began to pay more attention to the quality of my spirit and soul and to feed these instead of reaching for food all the time – something that never quite manages to hit the spot! Thanks for a great post.
Awesome!!!!
Thanks so much, Jannietta! The space between our atomic particles is EXACTLY what I think of every time I try to let go of tension and allow space into my body, mind, and life!! For me, the space between the particles is where the higher power of the universe resides and sits waiting for us to tap into it! For me, food was my energy body’s way of trying to ground itself. When I let the emptiness, the power, the universe fill me, I no longer needed outside things (food, alcohol, approval) to ground me. Keep that attention going!! Good luck!
Thanks!
EVERYTHING here is ringing bells with me!
I had never heard of an “Energy Body,” but I’ve got it looked up on another tab in Google and am gonna “Read All About It!” when I get done here.
Petite I will never be; I am 5′ 10″ and was fat from the time I was eight until now, when I am fifty-six. However, your understanding that your size was a way — the ONLY way — for you to express what you needed to express, resonated through me from head to toe.
Thank you for telling us your story. It is helping me now and will keep helping me on my own quest for Self Expression!
Great article.