“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa
It was the second time I’d gone out to lunch with a new friend I met through this site.
We’d experienced some of the same things in life, and I instantly admired her attitude and perspective.
Sometimes when I meet up with people I’ve met through Tiny Buddha, I feel a sense of inner conflict. One the one hand, I want to live up to everything I imagine they expect of me.
I want to be positive, present, and upbeat—all qualities I aspire to embody in my life and through my work.
But I also want to be free to just be, in whatever state I find myself on that given day, without worrying about how I’m perceived.
That’s been my lifelong journey—learning to show up as I am, without fearing whether or not other people will accept that.
My greatest drive in my life is to be authentic. But if I’m not mindful, I can easily get in my own way.
As we sat chatting, I found myself feeling more and more comfortable, and relieved that after all the years I’d spent isolating myself, I’d finally learned to relax and be myself in the company of new people.
We broached the topic of crowds, something I’m pretty vocal about disliking. I made a sarcastic comment, something along the lines of “People are best in small doses.” I meant that I prefer intimate groups of people, but I immediately questioned how it came across.
That didn’t sound very Tiny Buddha-ish, I thought. Then I reminded myself, “She’ll know what I mean. Clearly I don’t hate people.”
I wasn’t quite so confident when she said, “Are people best from a computer screen, when you’re sitting alone in your living room?”
This hit me like a jolt to the stomach, completely knocking the wind out of me.
This is precisely what I did for most of my time living in New York—sit by myself, desperately wanting connection but fearing what that would entail.
She likely had no intention of being hurtful—after all, she was still the same kind, giving person I admired so much—but her comment felt like a red-hot poker, jabbing at something raw and tender.
In that moment, I asked myself three questions: Why is this so raw? Why do I feel so defensive? What am I really afraid of?
When I dissected my feelings, I realized I’d internalized her comment to mean: I am the same person I was at my weakest, and if I’m not careful, people will see it and reject me. People will think that I’m a fraud and that I haven’t really changed at all.
It was based in the same limiting thinking that kept me isolated years ago—the fear that other people may judge me, and their judgments may be true.
At first, I reminded myself, “You are not the same person you were before. You’ve come such a long way, and that’s something to be proud of.”
But then I stopped myself and questioned my well-intentioned internal monologue. Was this really what I needed to hear—that I was so much better than my shameful former self?
Maybe what I really needed to hear was, “You are the same person—because the person you were before was beautiful and worthy of love, just as you are now. She was just at a different part of the journey.”
That’s the missing piece of this self-acceptance puzzle I’ve been making all these years. It’s not about fully believing I am better than I used to be. It’s about releasing the need to judge that person, because she is, in fact, still me.
I may have made poor choices before and I may have struggled more than I do now, but I was doing the best I could, based on where I was at that time. This was no reason to be ashamed of where I’d been.
It’s only in releasing shame about the past that we’re able to be free in the present.
I knew not to assume my new friend meant to be judgmental, but I realized then that even if she did, it would only have power over me if I judged myself.
So here’s my most recent admission and affirmation:
My name is Lori. I spent a ton of time sitting alone and self-destructing, feeling terrified of all of you. I sometimes still fear being judged, but I work every day to move beyond it. Still, that’s not why I am proud.
I am proud because I choose to validate myself—who I am, who I’ve been, and who I will be.
That, I believe, is the deepest kind of self-love. And we all deserve it
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Beautiful post Lori!
I have to say, i had an eerie feeling when I read the title on the homepage. Whenever I want some peace of mind (usually before bed), I come to Tiny Buddha and read through the first article that resonates me. The Universe has interesting ways of telling us exactly what we need to hear right when we need to hear it.
Right before clicking onto the site, I was writing in my journal and I as I was writing, I came to the realization I was telling myself to be ashamed of how I was before. I’ve been a procrastinator, a habit if have worked on remove from my life, but I still judge myself for it.
This article gives me some hope and much needed insight. I can’t fully live in my present and enjoy it if I am judging my past. I need to free myself and heal myself from those harsh judgements so I can be the most authentic, happy, loving version of my self.
And don’t worry about disliking crowds and people, I’ve been through both ends of the spectrum. Sometimes I’ve wanted to completely isolate myself, and at other times I’ve thrown myself into groups just to feel accepted. As much as I crave loving relationships and being with people, I’m afraid of putting myself out there.
You are doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and we love and accept you as you are 🙂
Best wishes,
Jas
Awesome.. am very proud of you that you shared this thought.. I feel exactly the same sometime and started working on realization.. this post is going to help me great.. specifically your friend’s words – “are people best from a computer screen… ?”
This is a wonderful site, a lot of down to earth stories about life lessons. This was a wonderful post, can I give you a tip on the affirmation, you could considered re-wording it so that you would not be reminding yourself of what you were, because what we think about, we bring to our awareness, and it attracts like. I mean it’s a wonderful statements, and as I realist I know exactly why you worded it this way, but affirmations are like new programs, we have to start thinking about what we want to change and then word it accordingly. Sorry if this sounds presumptuous.
Thanks so much Shoua! I reworded it to read “admission and affirmation.” The affirmation is the part about validating myself. I appreciate that you pointed that out!
Thanks so much Vijay. I’m glad this was helpful to you!
Thank you so much Jas! That’s wonderful that you stumbled on this precisely when it was relevant to you. I’m glad you’re letting go of those judgments, regarding procrastinating. I know it’s not always easy to do that, especially if you get caught up in “should haves” and “what ifs.” Sounds like we both had big epiphanies tonight =)
Dear Lori,
I love when you write stuff like this! Because I love discussing philosophy and psychology and you offer the platform to do that.
I too asked the questions you’re probing here, and I came up with a different conclusion that works for me. Maybe you can use the formula.
FIRST: Realize you can’t run from judgments about you.
You can’t even run from your OWN judgements about others!
You will always have an opinion about people based on your values and morals. Sure, you can rationalize that we all have different drummers to march to. But you will not be able to neutralize all your opinions about your friend’s decisions and behavior. It’s how our brains work, meaning…
YOU CANNOT STOP EVALUATING ANYTHING! NOBODY CAN.
Now, you can beat yourself up about how “judgmental” you are, or you can ask yourself, “How much damage am I creating based on my opinion of others?”
Can’t you think a man’s messed up and still be kind to him? Sure you can. I bet that’s how you are: subjective but kind.
So accept the judgmental YOU. Love the judgmental YOU. Respect that YOU!
Really! It’s okay to make evaluations!
NEXT, insert the Golden Rule and admit: Everybody is evaluating everything!
If you can’t eliminate your judgment of others, and you realize it’s not necessarily harmful, then accepting your opinionated self should apply to accepting people’s opinions of you. Judgments are natural, needed and everywhere. And they all change from moment to moment.
Irv
Can I take your sentence a little further.. I am the same person I was at my weakest, and I am the same person at my strongest. I think that’s my affirmation right there. Thank you Lori for sharing this.
Oh my goodness. This is what I needed to read today. Ive been living in the past lately. Shaming myself for not helping enouph. Not being able to help my cat enouph…then he died. Not being able to help my ex boyfriend enouph with his ptsd. Not being able to help his daughter eat solid foods at five. Not being able to help my sister with aspergers who has isolated herself in Alaska from family for the past 7 months. No contact with family. Im learning to forgive myself for not being able to help enouph. Although I wanted to help because in my heart thats all I wanted to do for the people I love….I could not help everyone. I shouldnt shame myself for not being able to help.
My Name is Shannon. I feel responsible for my family falling apart. but I am not responsible. Ive tried my best. I have felt helpless and hopeless for so long yet I am compassionate, loving and kind somewhere inside my hurt heart. I work hard everyday at forgiving myself. Still that is not why I am proud.
I am proud because I have loved deeply. Given freely. I validate myself for who I am, who ive been and who I will be.
Thank you Lori.
you’re not alone in that!…I relate…work in progress:)
Great post. I think it’s difficult to be authentic as your environment drives how you see the world and yourself in it. It’s a big challenge to break free but break free we must, so we can really be who we really are. Some will like us and some won’t but that’s the nature of life. To me one authentic and genuine friendship is worth a thousand aquaintances. But then again we have many friends we’ve yet to meet.
This article hit the nail on the head. I find myself being my biggest critic-often reffering to the person I use to be as if she were a stranger that I no longer associate with. More importantly, I realize that too often, I tend to shut out those in my life that only know me for “who I use to be”, as if to avoid being confronted with that self. It makes self-acceptance relative, if not impossible. I really appreciate this article-it sheds light on where I have plateued in my own growth.
Wow… I’m reading this at work and trying hard not to cry. This has hit the nail on the head for me in a big way. I’ve been really struggling recently and I wasn’t sure why – but you’ve just answered my question! I’m moving in with my boyfriend soon, and instead of being excited and happy I’ve been scared and weepy and catastrophising. But I’ve been thinking exactly this same thought, and this is why I’ve been so scared:
“I am the same person I was at my weakest, and if I’m not careful, people
will see it and reject me. People will think that I’m a fraud, and that
I haven’t really changed at all.”
I met my boyfriend after I’d faced, confronted and overcome a lot of my past challenges and I’ve been terrified that if we move in together, he’ll see a lot more of the ‘old’ me and he’ll decide he doesn’t love ‘that’ me. BUT! As your wonderful article rightly points out – I’m still the same person I was before I met him. I was still the same kind, lovely person back then. I was just a bit lost. And maybe I’ll get lost again. But at the core of my being is this wonderful person, and that’s who my boyfriend fell in love with. And she isn’t going anywhere!
Thank you, Lori. Suddenly things seem a lot brighter.
Lori, there’s nothing more I can say about this post than thanks. This has been very healing.
As I’m still in the beginning of an intense healing journey I am still amazed at the commonality of feelings and issues that have made me feel so isolated and ostracized most of my life. Thanks for this article. I am currently dealing with a profound change in perspective about my past and the shame and guilt it has constantly conjured up effectively made me sabotage or destroy some of the most important, meaningful relationships and opportunities in my life. I also keep telling myself that I was doing the best with the tools I had and the person I was. It is still me but less authentic, less real, and more reactionary. I’ve been trying for years to become authentic. It’s a difficult journey but overall worth it. So first thing is self-kindness which is new to me. From there I can begin to stop judging my entire past and leave regret behind.
This is the simplest and most resonating of all the posts I have ever read on my many visits to this site! Thankyou!
This hit me like a ton of bricks:
Maybe what I really needed to hear was, “You are the same person—because the person you were before was beautiful and worthy of love, just as you are now. She was just at a different part of the journey.”
I’ve been telling myself that I’m not the same person I was and that’s why I should accept who I used to be, but this is so much more powerful. Thank you.
My first reaction when starting to read was to laugh as this was more or less the exact same thing I was pondering over 30 min ago with a friend over the FB-chat.. Amazing how spot on my feelings you were, thank you for sharing and making me feel really great this evening!
We all have our battles in life, your blog is helping many of us. Thank you!
Upon seeing this article in my news feed, I too had the sensation that it would be just what I needed to read. And it was. I still chastise myself for promises unkept, opportunities wasted, goals left unmet. As I inch towards becoming the person I want to be, it’s too easy to look back at what I’ve done and left behind, and feel shame and embarrassment alongside the pride and joy for what I *have* accomplished. Thank you!
“It’s only in releasing shame about the past that we’re able to be free in the present.” Amen! Wonderful article, Lori. Everything you have said speaks to me because I have gone through the very same thing. Thank you for sharing this story.
Wow…You and I are so on the same page this week kiddo!
Thank you for writing this. Have you seen the Brene Brown TedTalk about shame?
I needed to see this today. I’m in the middle of the same struggle: sitting alone and self-destructing, deathly afraid of being judged, and so quick to judge everyone else, so they don’t hurt me first. Lori gives me hope to try to muster up the courage to take that scary first step because it’s worth it.
Thank you Lori,
Your article was like finding a rose growing up through the sand in the middle of the desert. I’ll try my best to take it to heart.
Lori, You’ve just verbalize my feelings, So many times when I hear from people, from self help authors, compete with yourself, be better than you used to be, it just doesn’t feel right,I mean if I want to just achieve something, why do I have to compete at all,Why do I have to be better than my former self,why cant I just make my goal and just go for it rather than saying I am better than my previous self, OK,I may have gained few things by achieving something which I haven’t achieved in past,but that doesn’t make me better than my former self,just different,just a person who is living different experience from the person in the past who has lived just a bit different experience.Unconditional self validation is a word,I deserve to be loved just because I exist at this point in my life,I am a process who is validated , may be some actions are bad or hurtful,but that doesn’t make them unvalidated,they are bad actions and better if I don’t do them,but they are validated because they are part of my experience and My experience is not to be rejected.
Lori.. I have never once commented on any such site as this… and I am very sceptical about ‘life skills’ advisors per se having met my fair share! However I have regularly shared your posts… And this one pleases me most.. Cos reading this I just got to meet you… And personally I think it’s an absolute pleasure to meet someone as courageous and beautiful a soul as you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing yourself and bringing a warm smile to my heart…
Thank you for sharing your journey, and your wisdom! Truly inspiring 🙂
I just reread my comment and noticed I didn’t add the third ingredient: SELF JUDGMENT, which is what you’re talking about.
I don’t think any empathetic person can escape self evaluation either. So the same question remains: Is self evaluation harmful, even when you consider yourself falling behind your personal best?
Yes, if self judgment leads to self loathing and depression. No if your score keeping leads to self improvement and pushing past the envelope.
I beat myself up as well, until I talk to other achievers and realize we’re all doing it, except for those few mean and arrogant, conceited, self-denial control freaks.
Oh…was that a judgment call? How did that happen?
Irv
This clicked with me the moment the paradox in the headline registered. I’ve Evernoted, tweeted and emailed this one. It’s so true of me, down to my bones: an ex-Catholic awash in guilt, regret and not a little unmanifest grief who’s just discovering mindfulness and running…together—and loving the serenity. This one’s a huge insight. Lots to practice here. Thank you, Lori
I love your writing, thank you for this! It resonates sooo true right now,xx
This is so beautifully true and, wow, do I ever relate!
The title of this caught my attention as soon as I saw it. I think about how I used to be *a lot.* And I realize I’m still ashamed of who I used to be — I take pride in no longer being the way I used to be.
But the ironic part is I’m still who I used to be. I just stuffed the vulnerable, ‘shameful’ parts of me into a box and put it on a shelf. I have moments of really horrible conflict where I see that those vulnerabilities are still there. And I’m not willing to talk about those vulnerabilities with anyone — what my feelings really are. I seem a lot stronger, and in a lot of ways I am, but those parts of me that I’ve pushed away are eating me alive.
If I knew any of you in person I’d probably never open up about the things I just did. I do find that keeping a private journal helps. You can at least be aware of what’s going on that way, and you can do it in a completely safe and non-judgmental space — no one will see it but you.
But yeah, Lori. Here’s one thing I’ve realized that I can share with you to relate to your post here: I’ve been feeling really helpless and desperate lately, and I’m trying to accept that. I’m so used to trying to be strong, to be independent — I just lock all my emotions up even if they’re eating me alive, because I’m so afraid of appearing weak to other people. I don’t want them to judge me or criticize me or reject me.
It’s a really horrible and really lonely feeling. But at the same time, this is how I grew up. Spent all my time alone. I do think there’s value in allowing yourself to feel those painful emotions and simply not judge yourself for them. I can only speak for myself, but maybe other people can relate: what I’m most afraid of is feeling despair, reaching out for help, and having no one there. So what I do is feel the despair and suffer in silence, because it feels more bearable than opening up to someone and being rejected.
It’s a simple matter of wanting something really badly — to just be who you are and honestly express your emotions to someone — and suppressing your desires to do that because you’re ashamed of yourself or afraid of being rejected, and most likely a combination of both.
Even with all this self-help stuff there can be an overdose of self-help. Sometimes the main problem a person has is that they never learned how to accept help from other people. I know you’ve mentioned this before in some posts too, and it seems like it’s very hard for you. I have the same thing.
I once heard “Intimacy” described as “Into-me-see.” That really hit me when I read that.
It’s so hard for me to understand that we’re perfect just as we are. It’s hard when your whole life you’ve believed that the worth of a person’s life is based on their accomplishments and how other people perceive them. But again, it’s good to be aware of these things — that’s like a seed in the ground.
Well, I have to get going. But thanks for sharing. Really thought provoking post.
Good for you! Fabulous post! Could have written it myself! We got to honour where we come from as well as where we are now. It’s all “us” right? Otherwise we will be at war with ourselves. Love
<3
Thanks so much! Exactly–it’s all “us,” just at different stages. Love back to you. =)
You’re most welcome. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote, about suffering in silence feeling better than rejection. I also spent a lot of my adolescence alone, feeling ashamed and scared–and then parts of my adulthood in similar situations.
I think that’s what makes these kind of conversations so powerful. If so many of us have those same fears, we can take power away from them by acknowledging them and being there, non-judgmentally, for each other.
I know what you mean, about an overdose of self-help. One thing I noticed after reading many self-help books is it always seemed like I needed to become someone else–reach this certain “after” picture place and become so much better–when what I really wanted was the courage to reach out to others, just as I was. I mean, yes, we need to empower ourselves to improve. But we also need to accept and love ourselves just as we are, and know that we don’t need to fundamentally change to be worthy of connection.
That’s a wonderful definition for intimacy. It hit me hard too!
Thanks so much!
Thanks so much Fiona. I’m glad this resonated with you!
From one ex-Catholic to another, you’re most welcome Brendan. =)
You’re most welcome. Thanks so much!
Thanks so much Darius. It’s a pleasure to meet you as well. =)
My experience is not to be rejected–that’s so powerful! I love this idea of unconditional self-validation. If we always think about being better than we were the day before, and phrase that with judgment for our former selves, than that means one day we’ll be looking back judging who we are right now. We not embrace each step as a crucial and respectable part of the journey? So it’s not about competing with who we were the day before, but rather building on it.
You’re most welcome Dave. =)
I’m glad you found this helpful Stacy! I’ve definitely done that before–judge others before they could j hurt me. I remember working at a camp in my early 20s and ostracizing myself from all the other counselors. I didn’t think they’d accept me as part of their group, so I immediately positioned myself as the counselor who cared about the kids (unlike them, who stayed out late drinking). At the time, I convinced myself I wasn’t part of their group because they were irresponsible, but really I wasn’t part of their group because I feared they wouldn’t accept me. In retrospect, I cringe at how frequently I did this, but I was just so scared. That first step (and each one after)–definitely worth it.
You’re most welcome! I have seen that talk. Brene Brown is so inspiring!
Thanks Deanna. You’re most welcome!
You’re welcome Stephanie! Shame is a big one for me too. I continually work to let that go, because I know it taints the joy. I find that talking about it really helps!
You’re most welcome Chia! I’m so thrilled to know this blog helps others. =)
You’re most welcome. It’s amazing to me to realize how many people have felt this same way.
You’re most welcome!
You’re most welcome! Isn’t it amazing to realize that those feelings that made us feel alone are actually not so uncommon? That’s one of the biggest things that made me feel ashamed–thinking no one could possibly relate or understand, and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Here’s to being kind to ourselves and embracing each step of the journey!