TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.” ~Anderson Cooper
I know what it’s like to want to die. I know the feeling of hopelessness. I know the sense of loneliness. I know the soul crushing despair and longing to fade into nothingness.
If you are reading this, then you know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure what brought you to the point of wanting to die. But I know you don’t have to make that date with death.
Death is forever. While you live, you have the power to change things, even if it feels impossible. Once you are gone, your choice is over.
History
My date with death started when I was thirteen. Starting when I was four or five until I hit the age of twelve, two separate men molested me on a regular basis.
When the abuse stopped, I blocked it out. What I couldn’t block out was the misery, anger, and hatred. I had no idea what was really wrong, but I was monumentally pissed off. I had constant nightmares about men trying to kill me and about fires consuming me.
I was already dead inside, so what was the point of actually living? Those men took my soul. I was no longer a child. I was just a body trying to survive. I felt nothing but pain and grief. I hated my life. I hated myself and everyone else. I wanted to die. Every day. All day.
But did I really want to die? Do you? I don’t think you really want to die. I am guessing what you really want is for the pain to stop. I know deep down that was what I really wanted.
Destiny
One day, in my early twenties, I got to a point where I couldn’t bear it anymore.
I came to a crossroads. I came to my breaking point. The unrelenting emotional pain had become too much, and I was drowning under its weight. I had to decide.
I literally said to myself, “Carrie, you either kill yourself today or you need to do whatever you need to do to get better, because this is no way to live.” That was the moment I decided to take back control of my life.
Live or die? Which will you choose? I’m hoping that you choose to listen to what I’m saying and that you choose to live. I know your pain. I feel your pain. I have lived in your pain. If I can live through it, so can you. You are not alone no matter how alone you feel.
What Leads Someone to Want to Take Their Life?
I have come to believe there are three common reasons people want to kill themselves. You may identify with one or with all of them. Personally, I have contemplated suicide over all of three.
Severe Pain Caused by Abuse/Trauma (Rape, War, Assault)
This type of pain is acute, but can also be chronic. It can be a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of war, then you know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.
I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned inward, you will do anything to find relief, and the thought of suicide will become your constant companion.
Emotional Reactions to Specific Situations (Divorce, Death, Breakups)
When you go through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on you and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. Feeling unworthy can lead you to contemplate doing something that you normally wouldn’t do.
I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was actually not who he said he was, and had not only another girlfriend, but a wife and a child.
I felt like such an idiot because I thought he really cared. I thought there must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me so easily. I thought there was no point in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside table. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going.
Constant Feelings of Hopelessness (Depression, Apathy)
This type of pain is quite scary because it is a smart and well-thought-out pain. It isn’t rash and isn’t a reaction to something that happened. This pain is insidious. It seeps into your subconscious and gets you slowly thinking that there’s no point to life.
Yes, I’ve felt this type of pain. From my late twenties until just recently there were many days when I would wake up and say to myself, “Maybe today is the day.” I would make plans for when and how I would do it. I would weigh the pros and the cons.
I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, but I wasn’t really in pain. I was apathetic to the world around me and more importantly, to my own heart. I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I didn’t care about anything. I had no passion. Perhaps you understand what I’m talking about.
So, What Do You Do Instead?
For those struggling with the thought of death and dying and for those who see no other way out, here are some things to think about before you swallow that entire bottle of Vicodin.
This Too Shall Pass
Remember this saying, because it really is a universal truth. The only thing constant in life is change. Remember when you broke up with your first love and you thought would never love again? You did.
The way that you are feeling right now will not last. Remind yourself that the awful feelings won’t last forever.
Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren’t True
Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel like no one really knows you, what you’re about, or who you are down to your core?
I have never really had a lot of friends, and the majority of the friends I have are men. I have always wondered what it was about me that caused girls to dislike me. Was I doing something wrong? I don’t think I’m mean. Why didn’t they like me?
I’m an INFJ personality type, which represents about 2% of the population, which is another reason that people just don’t get me. My personality is literally different than the majority of the world.
I never dreamt about getting married, having babies, and living in a house with a white picket fence. So, while most people I know are having grandkids, I’m still living alone and trying to figure out my life. Another reason I think no one understands me: We don’t want the same things or have the same goals.
But, what if I took all those negative, self-effacing thoughts about myself (I don’t fit in, I’m kind of alone, and no one likes me) and turned them into positive thoughts? What if all those thoughts weren’t really true?
What if they were something I had created to keep myself in a safe little cocoon of negativity? What if I started to believe that my differences make me unique?
As I started to work on loving and accepting myself, I came to realize that I’m not for everyone, and that’s okay! So what if everyone doesn’t love you? So what if you don’t have a ton of friends? So what if you need to find a place where you do fit in, and so what if the love of your life might be taking their time finding you?
Remember what Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You.” There is only one you. Even if you don’t believe it right now, you are special and unique, and you have a history and a story and talents that no one else on the earth has.
There Are People Who Will Be Devastated by Your Loss
I used to tell myself that my mom, sister, and friends really wouldn’t care if I was gone. I figured they would get over it in a few weeks. I would tell myself that everyone would say, “Oh, that’s so sad” and just go on with their lives.
But again, this can’t be any further from the truth. If you kill yourself, the pain you are feeling will be gone because you will be gone, but now your friends and family will feel your pain for the rest of their lives. They will wonder every day what they did wrong. How they could have helped. Why they failed.
Is this the legacy you want to leave? Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them? Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?
If you commit suicide, you’ll leave an indelible mark of pain and grief on those you have left behind. If you don’t believe me, go read some stories from mothers, fathers, and sisters who have had a loved one kill themselves.
Is There More to Do?
Is your time on this earth over? Do you believe you have nothing to offer? What will people say after you die? It is more than likely they will say, “How sad, such a waste.” Is your death how you want to be remembered?
Even if you do not see your value, others do. Each one of us is unique and has special talents. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, try thinking about what your talents and your passions are. Maybe you don’t know, and that’s okay. The very act of trying to figure it out will bring some hope for the future.
For the longest time I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going, and I completely lacked passion, energy, and feeling. Then, one day I realized that I have always had something to say (even if no one wanted to listen), and that became the roadmap for my new life.
One of the few things that saved me when I was suicidal was writing in my journal. I realize that I needed to write again, and once I did, everything changed. I had a purpose. I had found my passion. Yours is there you just have to find it.
Your Life Doesn’t Have to Feel Empty Forever
Maybe your life feels empty today. But that doesn’t mean it has to feel empty forever. I spent years (more years than I care to admit to and more years than I should have) feeling empty, lonely, and unfulfilled. This is an awful place to be, and I would never wish this on anyone else.
Just because I felt like I was living a meaningless life for over forty years doesn’t mean the rest of my life had to be that way. The past is the past.
Feeling lonely and unfulfilled doesn’t have to be a forever proposition. It can be a temporary landing if you want it to be.
If you feel empty and lonely, like your life has no meaning, then I say to you, “What can you do to change it?” Try and focus your energy on what you can change, not what you can’t change. I know it sounds corny and cliché’, but every day is a new day to rewrite the story of your life.
Usually we don’t know the answer to this question, which is why we stay stuck and hopeless. Everyone has something they love to do, something that is their passion. You have one too; you just don’t know it yet. Find this passion. Search it out. Give your life some meaning. Take yourself on a journey and find out who you really are.
You Are Not Alone
Remember that although you are in pain, you are not the only one. Get online. Start talking to people. Call a suicide prevention hotline. Go to the forums and find out what others have done to combat their feelings of loneliness and depression.
Do not let your thoughts run your life. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not truth. Remember this. Feeling alone is a belief in your head, and it isn’t necessarily true. I know they feel like they own you, but you have the power to take back your life and own your thoughts.
Find others who have struggled with your issues and ask them what they did and how they found some peace. Read books. Listen to podcasts. Why reinvent the wheel? If others have been able to succeed, learn from them.
Maybe you need a friend to talk to. Maybe you need a support group. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you need a hobby. Maybe you need to find something, anything that gives you the slightest glimmer of hope. Search. If you can’t find any of those things, then give me a shout (carrie@acinglife.com), because my inbox is always open.
There Are No Words
Maybe there are not enough words or not the right words. Maybe nothing I can say will make you change your mind. Maybe I will fail at my task, but I hope not.
I hope you take my words to heart and understand that I have felt your pain, and not just for a few days or weeks or on occasion. I have felt your pain to the core of my being and to the depths of my soul, for years and years. I have plotted my death too many times to count. Yet, I’m still here.
So, every day is another chance for me to try to get others to understand that they are not alone, and that depression and loneliness are fixable conditions. The human condition is a beautiful, complex assortment of struggles. You are not alone in this.
Suicide is not the answer. Death is final. But, you my friend are reading this now, and I believe you have some hope, even if it’s only a tiny little glimmer. I believe you can survive and that you will survive. I believe that, like me, you can also be a voice for change and hope.
Never give up. Every day is a new day to fight, and every day is a new day to recreate yourself.
If you are struggling please reach out for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (1-800-273-8255).
Comments
113 responses to “Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either”
Thank you
Wowww….
As a person who himself felt suicidal thanks to anxiety and stress disorder,your words refreshes the old memories,albiet in a positive way.I have came a long way from that night,when I first thought of taking my life.I still feel stressed and anxious sometimes..but it’s much much better.I recently broke up with someone with whom i was planning to marry and was feeling alone and hopeless.Your post comes at the right time to remind me that as those dreaded night have passed,this too shall pass.Thanks a lot
Mahesh- I’m sorry about your recent break up (I just went through a similar circumstance). I’m glad you are still here. We will both find someone else…..it sounds cliche’ but everyone that it doesn’t work out with is a gift brought to teach you. It means you were meant for someone/something better 🙂
And the best part is that it’s not going to be a cliché only:)
EXACTLY!
You’re quite welcome.
Thanks for writing this, slicing through the shame and helping to build a network of support for humans being human.
Thank you for the kind words. We are all human and we need MORE kindness not more conflict in our world….
What an amazing person you are. To survive the worst treatment by human beings and be willing to share your story and offer hope. I am humbled by you. Best wishes to you.
Thank you Julie…..Honestly, I am humbled by the fact that others find my story moving…
Beautiful piece thank you for sharing xx
Thank you for taking the time to read it Chloe 🙂
That mean’t a lot. Thank you.
You’re welcome. Hang in there….
I’ve been thinking about commit a suicide a few days ago and I read this. Thank you xx
The Universe still has a plan for you. Every day is a new day and a new chance to change your life. Trust me…I know. I get it.
I’ve so been there and understood exactly how you felt. It’s hard to believe at the time, but there is hope and much of what you think while depressed, is often a reflection of your mood more than reality. I still have to remind myself that at times. Wonderful article. I shared it on Twitter – who knows who might need it right at this very moment:-)
It’s a very dark and lonely place to be and I certainly empathize. I hope things start to turn around for you.
Thank you Michelle. I agree 100%!
Doesn’t Buddha and Zen teach that nothing has to go on though? If we are the masters of our reality and create our reality, than is it not our choice in the end?
I’m not sure I understand the question. Buddhist thought and “zen” ideals teach us to find peace within ourselves and to detach from the ego. Depression and anxiety which prompt a lot of suicidal ideation stems from the ego which would mean that suicide and Buddhist ideals are incompatible. No?
yeah, that makes sense… it’s just that.. if Buddha says that we create and attract our world, we make our world and that there is no right or wrong, that there is no “wrong” choice, than how can choosing to leave this world be the wrong idea? How could we be wrong then.. Isn’t suicide basically the act of a ‘smart cookie’?
I think that is a simplistic interpretation. The teachings of the Buddha and all Hindu/Buddhist texts is not one dimensional. I think he DOES say there are wrong choices. In order to act “right” one has to be at peace with the mind…thoughts of suicide, anxiety, etc do not come from a place of peace. For example:
If a man’s thoughts are muddy
If he is reckless and full of deceit
How can he wear the yellow robe
AND
Free yourself from pleasure and pain
For in craving pleasure or in nursing pain
There is only sorrow
The only way one can live in peace is to FIND peace within the self through meditation and avoidance of the pursuits of the flesh and the mind. Rid oneself of the ego. Once you come to this state, then there are no wrong choices…but most of us are working to get there! Make sense?
Beautifully written piece. I have been in those dark places and in fact am struggling with some depression now. Suicide is a very selfish act and your article pointed out the perceptions and probable pain of those left behind. At the same time, you offered hope for moving through to the other side and finding joy and passion in life. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. It’s inspiring.
I’m in tears after reading your beautiful, compassionate piece. I’ve struggled with depression my entire adult life, never really finding a place of joy, passion, or even energy to continue on. And yet somehow I do continue–badly, it often seems, creating many problems for myself. (Medication hasn’t seemed to help much, but it seems necessary to keep me in a non-suicidal place.) Also being an INFJ (with an extremely strong “I”), it’s been very difficult to reach out or to even want to do so. I will read and reread what you’ve written here, and maybe today I can take another step. Thank you again, Carrie.
It can be hard to dig yourself out….but you can do it. It took me years of therapy, introspection, reading, pain, struggle and finally finding myself again and finding a way to love myself to find a sliver of peace….if I can do it…so can you! You aren’t alone.
Thank you for the kind words Karen. It can be a struggle as you know. I think we all have the power within us to change we just have to dig deep and decide we are worth it. I’m not saying its easy….but it is possible. 🙂
i still feel that suicide doesn’t have to come from the ego, or the self…
If the Buddha says not to pursue the flesh or not to indulge the mind than wouldn’t suicide make perfect sense in the context of the society that we face today?
You are perfectly within your right to believe what you believe and I respect your right to believe this…. 🙂
Im asking…
I understand. Perhaps it would be better if we have a philosophical/religious discussion via email. carrie@acinglife.com
I need to email you.
Thank you!
okay..sounds good.. thx 4 listening to my questions… I’m new to Buddhism… I’m new to trying to separate from the ego..
Welcome!
Many thanks, Carrie. I turn 60 next month, and it’s often very difficult for me to believe that, after so many years of this (literally losing years of my life to poor functioning), anything can change. I will still keep trying.
Everything isn’t always a bed or roses, that’s for sure. I still struggle with feeling alone a lot. But I found a way to get rid of the nagging self doubt and the constant emptiness. Loving yourself and accepting yourself is the only way….at least it was for me. Hang in there..
‘Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them? Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?’
What if the answer is ‘no’ to the first two ?
You don’t care about anyone? You can’t change your family, but you can change your friends. You can change yourself and how you view the world.
My family and friends don’t care about me at all. When I told my mother I had been molested by a cousin as a child (I’m male), she defended him. She said he didn’t have an easy life and that she sees both sides of the issue. My father said nothing.
To my friends, I was always the odd man out. Once a friend invited me to hang out for the weekend. I drove 2 hours to his house and when I got there he told me he had tried to get me a ticket to a basketball game but, couldn’t (when he invited me, he made no mention of a basketball game). He suggested that i just ‘hang out’ until after the game. I drove home and never spoke to him or my other friend who went with him, again.
Maybe there’s just something different about me that makes me less valuable to others, even my own parents. I don’t know what love feels like, any kind of love. I’ve read people describe it as feeling safe, secure, warm, wanted, etc. I’ve never felt those things ever, not with my parents, friends, no one. The only things I’ve ever felt in my chest, where people say they feel love, are tightness, pressure, and pain. To be honest, I don’t feel much of anything. I’ve tried therapy, bodywork, trauma-release exercises and I’m still the same.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I know I’m not going to kill myself. Much like Matthew McConaughey’s character in True Detective, I “lack the constitution for suicide.” But I do want my life to end.
why did you never speak to them again? They tried to get you a ticket, they wanted you to hang out with them (it just didn’t work for the time of the basketball game but presumably there was a whole weekend). It seems like you have very low self worth maybe because of your parents (that was awful of your mum by the way) and maybe you read into things and overreact because it seems to validate your low self worth (“see people don’t actually like me i was right….”)
“My family and friends don’t care about me at all.” This is a false belief you have created in your mind. Yes, it feels true, but the fact that people can’t give us what we need doesn’t mean they don’t care. They care in the only way they know how.
When I told my mom what happened to me she said nothing. When i wrote this post she said, “I never knew”. I wanted to punch her. She didn’t know because she didn’t ask! But…I have to let go of that…..because that is HER issue…NOT mine.
“Maybe there’s just something different about me that makes me less valuable to others, even my own parents.” Again, this is another concept you have created in your mind.
Parents can suck. They don’t always give us what we need…but to keep looking to them to validate us as adults is a losing proposition. You don’t love yourself…..that is why you fell the way you do.
I’m thinking…from what you have said…that you WANT to hold onto the pain. Think seriously about this. Pain can be very comforting if its all we know. For most of my life I feared happiness. To let go of fear is to go into the unknown and to face the possibility of being hurt again. But, this time…you are not a child. You have to find a way to love yourself…..and until then you will not feel a thing.
It won’t be easy…but step by step…pull yourself out and go….you can do it. I did it. So can you.
****For Anyone who emailed me in the past week and I you think Idid not respond…I apologize! I answered you but my email server was having problems so nothing was going through and I’ll get to you as soon as it is up and running again****
I’m not trying to be snarky, this is an honest question: how am I supposed to find a way to love myself? I honestly don’t know how it feels. I don’t know if that’s hard to believe and maybe you think I’m being difficult but, I’m telling you the truth.
Maybe I do have a low sense of worth. I’ve always felt this way so I don’t know anything different. I really do expect the worst from people. Everyone. Always. If I make eye contact with a stranger, I assume they were looking at me because something I did pissed them off. Rationally I can say that’s ridiculous but in the moment, I feel tense, like I did something wrong.
Thank you for a lovely post Carrie. I don’t know if this helps people or not, but I try to remember that we are all going to die some day anyway. There is a lot to do in this life, there are a lot of people, other beings and causes that need our help and we can make the world a better place. In the time we have on Earth, it is worth us to do what we can, with the time we have been given.
Nessie- Sorry I am just getting back as I didn’t see this until now. You are so welcome. You are quite right. Life has ups and downs and peaks and valleys and if we try to focus on the good instead of the bad we will have a much happier experience!
My problems are not temporary. Suicide is a permenant solution to a permenant problem, at least in my case. Everyone tells me how I have so much to live for, but no one can tell me what that is. Everyone says ‘don’t give up’, but no one can tell me why. Pills and empty platitudes constitute mental health in the 21st century.
What am I living for? Life is and always has been nothing but pain and misery and the agonizing hollow pain of lonliness.
‘Keep fighting! Don’t give up!’ they say. Fight for what? What do I get if I win? Another day of torture? Yay. And I get to suffer through it alone. Always alone. Even my doctors abandon me when they realize how much of a liability I am.
I’m always alone, and will be for the rest of my life. But I will be dead soon I think.
It’s hard to live in a society of dysfunction. Trying to heal amongst the so many that want only drama is impossible and therefore requires a completely different approach.
What that approach is is up to the individual to figure out but it likely has to do with God or the Tao i.e. the rules we have been living by, in a dysfunctional society, are, well, dysfunctional. The reason why they are dysfunctional is because they are out of alignment with Reality, God, or natural law i.e. they are based in Collectivist ideology.
When one ceases to derive his/her power from the collective s/he realizes her own innate power which is independent of State promoted Collectivism, or social consciousness; accepted notion etc.
A tree cannot function without its roots — likewise a person cannot function properly without the living God or the direct ownership of her tangible spiritual nature. This is not a belief nor is it something to sit and meditate on per se. It is something that has to be cultivated through active engagement. In so doing the need for ‘proof’ disappears quickly as the person discovers his innate fearlessness and independence in the face of the most horrific odds.
As soon as one deviates from this fact they are doomed to repeat mistakes and traumas. Not deviating [by finding the Source] there are no mistakes and no more trauma.
im still thinking about it its still a good option
Just so much bulldust you could fertilize several farms crops.
Seriously, you just lied so much. This too shall pass? Surely it will, but tomorrow it will be back again. There is no amount of “wishful-happy-thinking” that is going to make my chronic depression disappear. Or the compounding affect that my constant failure at even the simplest things has upon my mental state.
I’m not alone? Correct. But what point is a partner that doesn’t understand what I’m feeling? What great pleasure she must feel, sitting alone on the other end of the couch wondering if I’m in a good enough mood to let her hug me. Alone? Yes, I am. Because even just sharing the things that start me on a downward spiral bring her down, imagine how quickly she’d be suicidal if I shared with her my entire burden.
You know my pain? You feel my pain? You’ve lived my pain? No you haven’t. You’ve lived through YOUR pain. Not MINE. Sure the feelings of hopelessness, apathy and despair might be the same, but the cause of these feelings is not the same. You were dealing with what was done TO you, I’m dealing with what I HAVE DONE to myself because of my mental illness.
People devastated by my loss, eh? That’s a good one. So, the friends I’ve alienated and haven’t spoken to in years? Or do you mean the estranged family members I haven’t spoken to in MANY years? The only one affected by my suicide is my partner and in the long run, not dealing with my irrational mood swings and constant anger and hate would be better for her. Don’t even try to argue against this, you don’t know my situation.
In conclusion. Someone might find some comfort in this post filled with optimistic wishful-thinking. I am not one of them. This post has only served to fuel my depression. Also, now I think I hate you, too. Simply because you managed something I will never.
What a crock of shit. What about people suffering from chronic pain and/or fatigue? How many years should a person keep on just to spare those around him a bit of soul searching? All admonitions against suicide seem to be based on the assumption that people consider that course of action because of depression or other problems with thinking. Few if any take into consideration that some people are suffering because of physiological ailments.
People just don’t want to face that life isn’t so great and that some think it’s better to opt out.
I’m sorry you feel this way and hope you find a way to resolve some of your anger, pain and unhappiness.
HI! are you there yet?
I’ve probably re-written and deleted this post at least five times trying to think about how I’m going to say this. I thank you for both your post and the heart it took to write it. I can say I’ve seen that ‘ledge’ and I wonder both on how I got there as much as how I walked away. Probably the hardest thing was telling my wife afterwards.
You are welcome Ron. Although I have thought about it often and did not see much sadness in the concept….I’m deeply saddened by the amount of people who have felt the same way that I have and wish I knew how to stop anyone else from having such pain.
You said; “Everyday is a new day to fight,”… I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to. The pay off isn’t worth it right now. And given my situation my life will only get worse. Sorry, but you didn’t list a single actual reason to stay alive here. Not for the people who are tired enough to actually commit.
Yeah, well, I broke up with my first boyfriend at the age of 42.333 years old which was nearly 7 years ago. That’s right, I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was 39. Since then, I’ve had one date with a guy, and hung out with a couple of male friends, and that’s it. I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship with a guy again. I’m a female incel. Male incels think we don’t exist, but men have hated me for years, and NO I am NOT a lesbian. A real lesbian wouldn’t go into a months-long depression over men she cannot have. I’m continually broke because I hardly make any money and I’m terrible at managing it. I have four jobs and go to grad school and I’m terrified that I won’t get a well-paying position after I graduate this May, if I do manage to graduate. I’m having problems with my thesis, and my thesis director doesn’t seem to give a shit about this project, and to be honest, neither do I. I’m tired of trying, and things never really getting better, but progressively worse. Deeper in debt, I try stuff but I fail, the stuff I’m good at doesn’t get me anywhere, and men being shitty to me no matter what I do. If I were 30, I’d say, “well, there’s time,” but I’ll be 50 in less than two months, and time is running out. There’s going to be a time where it’s going to be too late to keep trying, because if I do succeed, I’ll be too old to get hired anywhere.
Yup. And if people are suffering, and sick of it, why shouldn’t they do something about it, even if it means suicide? It’s not other people’s lives. We are living our own, and if we think it sucks and we’ve done everything we can think of and nothing works, why not end it all?
Plus, my “family” won’t speak to me. They don’t approve of me being fat and poor, and I don’t like it either. They wouldn’t care that I’m in grad school and getting the best grades of my entire life. I go for months without seeing friends because of conflicting schedules. So if I commit suicide, I doubt very much if I’d be missed. So the whole, “you hurt the people you leave behind” line only applies to those with loved ones. I know of at least one friend who would just shrug and go on with her life. We really aren’t as important as we think we are.
Or maybe you are more important than you think. Just becaue you think no one would care, doesn’t make it true. Trust me on this one. A lot of people commit suicide thinking no one would give a shit /excuse me for the language/, but the truth is, people care. Yes, sometimes they are bad at showing that they care. Sometimes they forget to show that they care. But it doesnt mean they dont.
I cannot even say what I’m feeling. I feel small, in this large world. I feel empty, and alone. My “friend” isn’t even one. She just has me so she can boost her reputation. I can’t even be like others. I’m not bullied, my family, actually, I don’t know what’s making me feel like this. I just.. I don’t know.
I’ve been openly discussing in, and my family seems to be at the “we would understand” point. I guess I made a good point. Is emotional pain not worse than physical? What if its been life long, and no hope of getting better? It seems only loving and humane to me go. Only need to pack my exit bag. When your life is shattered its done. FYI not Julie bois. She wasn’t the cause, but she pulled the trigger.
I’m not sure I understand what is going on? Why do you think nothing can get better? Why would they “understand’ or even say such an awful thing?
What DO you want your life to be like Savy? Is there a reason you cannot create a new type of life or obtain new friends?
Gloria-It sounds like you have some serious limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck. Instead of focusing on what you DON’T want or CAN’T have…what DO you want?
I’m sorry you feel that way. Why is you life situation going to get worse? Do you have a deteriorating medical condition?
I want enough money so I don’t have to work for a living.
Well Carrie, here’s the deal: I have a particularly virulent strain of genetic depression that results in severe anhedonia, catatonic emptiness and a profound sense of utter meaninglessness and numbing despair I can only describe as unbridled emotional death. To add insult to injury, I also suffer from a form of agitated anxiety that manifests as attacks me in the form of severe absurdity and ridiculousness of the human condition in general, derealization and depersonalization hell, always with me, results in a potent rheum or distillation of humans as nothing more than “god-worms,” shitting, pissing, bags of flesh who try to make ourselves feel better with religion and existential illusions (like, “hey raising children will be the best thing ever!”). Whenever I meet someone I think of the millions of years genetically infused onto the muscle memory of their cherubic, entitled face. It disgusts me. We have built civilization as a way to repress death-anxiety, and now we don’t even have that form of “heroism” anymore; we are nothing more than ants on a hill, stupid and self-destructive, senseless and inept and brutally empathic in our questioning abandon. Along with the seven medications I’m taking (xanex and adderall for treatment resistant depression), I also drink a fifth of vodka nightly. So tell me Carrie, why I shouldn’t blow my fucking head off right now instead of grow drunk and old in front my one and only constant companion, my TV set.
I really admire that you take the time took the time to write this article and that you reply to everyone who comments here. Reading has given me some needed perspective and hope that I can change myself. The world needs more people like you that genuinely care about the wellbeing of those that are feeling alone with these kind of thoughts. Thank you
thank you for this.
i think my dog would miss me more than anyone
i hate talking about this because, even though its what i am actually thinking/feeling, I’m too aware of how stupid and melodramatic it all sounds, so i just repress it. i know that’s unhealthy but i cant bring myself to open up to anyone about this
from a purely logical standpoint, i would be doing the right thing because my family has a history of heart disease and depression. i would be punishing my children by having any. i know logically that eventually this is going to go away, but it doesn’t ever feel like it will.
as for other people, i would go mostly unnoticed. not too many people are even aware i exist, and if they are, they know me as that awkward uncharismatic quiet kid in the back.
on a small scale, my sister might feel bad for like a month or so but ultimately it wouldn’t affect her. on a larger scale, statistically, i don’t matter in the slightest. i cant cure cancer or write good books or save anyone’s life or even make just a single person happy for any length of time. i hate to put this up and waste anyone’s time with my comparatively small problems but i feel like i need to to get better
I wake every morning feeling angry I didn’t die in my sleep, I can’t look in the mirror I can’t go out , I’m in my late twenties and I have never been loved by anyone no money and I hope I die before nextweek.
Hi I’m just one person outa billions so it doesn’t really matter but I think about suicide everyday and I have attempted it twice. I probably will get to a point were I’m homeless or something and may try again. I moved to a city that has a really tall bridge so I could if things get that bad. Any one have thoughts on this. It’s possible I never suicide but it’s possible I do.
I feel the same. No money but I’m 27 and mom still helps me pay rent pays my health insurance all that I don’t work anymore. Its as much social anxiety as depression and addiction
You should write a book. You’re quite the wordsmith.
My dog was the only thing that stopped me. Animals are better than people. I used to devote my life to animal rights but I fell out of it and don’t believe in anything anymore. And my dogs dead now and I just don’t know anymore. I want to die all the time. People tell me I’m trapped in my thoughts. But I feel like all meaning and purpose is gone. I struggled through shit in my 20s just so I could get to my 30s and see there’s nothing that time gives you but more blank canvas and I don’t have it in me to try to create anything new to look at.
Hello, I’m 17 years old and this is the first time I’m actually coming out and saying that I have a problem, or is it even a problem, it’s probably just me I don’t know anymore, everyday I wake up and feel useless I just sit around and do nothing with myself I feel so empty and alone, even when I do some with friends I just feel like the loniest person ever but I still continue to act happy because I don’t want people asking me I hate discussing my feelings and my emotions I find it very hard because I don’t like to have that sort of attention on me, I sit around and think what if I kill myself, only thing stopping me is not wanting to leave my parents in a horrible way because they don’t deserve it, I know they would want me to come out and talk to them about it but it’s not easy to speak to someone about your problems which is why I’d rather remain anonymous.
Why would
Judging your writing style, I would say – in contrast to your own thoughts – you’d write very good books. What you’re saying, does only sound melodramatic when you have not yet been experiencing such feelings. I believe everyone goes to such thoughs at some point in his or her life, it’s almost inevitable. Your problem is probably the same problem as mine: you over-analyze things, you use words like “statistically” and “comparatively small problems” (can you even measure or compare problems, put them in a certain order? I believe not). I have to remind myself often that irrational, emotional feelings are as realistic and true as things like statistics. Not everything is rational, nor should it be. You can turn from a quiet awkward uncharismatic quiet kid into a social and attractive person within a few months. You are able to see how other people perceive you, you care how they look at you.
I’m a complete failure.
I’m stuck in this job that I hate because I only have experience in food/customer service. I hate having to smile everyday when all I want is to scream until I die. I’m nowhere near where I want to be in life and don’t see myself achieving anything that I ever set out for.
And I feel even more terrible because I read all these people that have it worse than I do and I just feel like a whiney brat talking about this. I really want to die. I’ve had a decent life, but I have nothing to offer anyone. It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no friends to talk to. Everyone I get close to leaves me. I’m exhausted all the time. I can’t take this weight off. I just want to sleep and never wake up.
My last job was the one that just did it. Before then I had taken a year out to do some soul seeking and cleansing. I felt great and balanced. I unfortunately needed to go back to my old career/sector. The woman who called herself my boss and the most important person in my life at work, was a real psychopath. For the first two weeks, I was okay, I sensed that she was not quite right but I had no idea. By the second month, I stopped all external activities I was working 80+ hours and being threatened and shouted at. By the six month I had put on 5kg and wasn’t sleeping and still working many hours with continual threats. My parents (mom) was telling me surely she’s shouting at me because I’m doing something wrong. Nothing I ever did was okay for my boss. She got rid of four people in the first week of January simply because they left Christmas Eve (The Friday) at 4:15 rather than 5pm. Her words were ‘I will never ever be humiliated again.’ The she got rid of them. It’s distressing just recalling it. I was probably the most experienced person in her team and most qualified yet for whatever reason anything and everything I did she would shout at me and tell me I’m wrong and/or on a different planet to her. After practically pleading with my parents that I really wanted to leave the shit hole, my mom kept telling me ‘you’re weak’. I was supposed to stand up to her and not leave and not get fired. By mid-March all of my personal development had gone out the window. Although I delivered a project in record time she kept telling I was underperforming and not committed (I was working 7 days a week). Nothing was enough. Her little hints of getting rid of me on a daily basis and being excluded from meetings and then being told why didn’t i complete the work that had been discussed in meetings I had been excluded from. She marked me as a poor performer. I told my mom that she would get rid of me and I wanted to leave before she did that and my mom said you keep working until she sacks you. So end of march she sacked me. I had a prepared resignation letter and HR allowed me to hand in my resignation. It was shattering. My dad kept telling me what did i do wrong and my mom then told me I should’ve left. I have been in this up and down state since then. Anger, frustration, hurt and feeling like I have no emotional support. I am so scared that no one will hire me ever again. In that company’s books they’ve got on the record I underperformed. I know I didn’t but what difference does that make. This bitch turns over staff every 8months – she just sacks people so she can keep her position. I honestly cannot believe she gets away with it. But how do i pick myself up? I can’t. I feel like such a failure and there’s no one to turn to. no one. it eats me up every day. The most I can muster is going to the park and seeing beauty there. When I come home and at night all the thoughts rush in and I’m left thinking: i’m finished. No one will ever hire me again. it hurts.
I think the issue is not that I don’t feel loved…. I KNOW I am loved by my many people. It’s that my life can no longer be what I always wanted it to be, so I no longer want to continue it. Yes, I understand that people can have potential to do many things, even things they never originally planned, and those things can be amazing. But I know what I wanted in life, and it’s no longer something I can have… all those other things were just extra. So then should I go through life with this unbearable pain and sadness just so that my loved ones don’t have to feel pain for a while? Whose pain is worth more, and whose life is worth more? By sticking around, I’m basically condemning myself to a miserable existence that I don’t want, just to save other people from pain that will eventually go away. Of course I know that leaving will hurt them, but in time, they will be ok. Whereas I will never be…. so why stick around?
Thanks for writing this. Its helped me this evening. I especially found the personality stuff interesting. I am INTJ, which is apparently pretty rare also. I had no idea. I’ve know for a long time that I think differently than most people. I’ve at times liked that feeling and at others felt very depressed about it as I often feel outside of everything around me. I’d already been feeling vulnerable this week, when something happened this evening to just make me feel like garbage. Glad I found this. Planning now to just get some sleep and face another day tomorrow. I also need to focus on gratitude, which I can’t do when I’m in that dark place.
I am happy that I stumbled upon this post. This post made me realize that things will be okay and that everything doesn’t have to be perfectly in place. As I read this I saw the personality type INFJ. This made me wonder what personality type I am. I went to a valid website took time to do the test and found that I too am a INFJ or as the website called it Advocate. I am happy that I finally found something that I agree with and understand on a different level. As I read this post 2 racoons stood on two legs standing like a human, looking at me from about a meter away, they weren’t scared more curious. I don’t know if that means something but it meant something to me. Thank you so much for these words. They meant a world to me and changed my direction.
I’m an INFJ too. This article really resonated with me. I want to reply to April. I have friends who care, home, interests, and I still feel unable to carry on. I gave up a stressful career 10+ yesrs ago. I think it was the ‘f’ that made menot fit. I thought I wanted ‘me time’ but it was the wrong thing. So although you hate your job, people really do appreciate your smile, and you are being usefil to others. I kmow that because I haven’t worked and been self-indulgent, and I would have been better working.
My husband who I loved left 2 years ago. We’d been married20+ years. I knew he’d been beaten as a child but I only found out he had been sexually abusedwhen he left. It’s such a relief to write that down as I’d been living with his anger so long. I blamed that but the person who checked out of life by being a trophy wife with no children was me.
My husband is with a mentally ill girl nearly 30yearsyounger because she is working in my old job and I csn see I becsme dull – i’ve gone back to a loe-level job and I can see how ill it made me. Ihave no children, no husband and no-one’s said ‘thank you’for a piece of work for 10+ years. So, April, you are valuable, and I have less excuse thsn you.
Well if do you get to the point where you want to kill something ,don’t kill yourself seek revenge on the abusers. no matter how old they are if they’re not dead already kill him .that will give you some solace. also why the hell would you stick around no matter what age .get the f*** out of the house .leave .run away go tell a cop do something .you don’t just stick around and get raped every day. no matter how scared you are ,you get the f*** out of the house. And your old enough to handle a knife, stab that bastard.
“Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren’t True ~ ”
This is quite helpful.
I find that I tell myself things that reinforce negative aspects about myself.
Thank you for taking the time to write this for people you will probably never meet. I’ve been becoming increasingly depressed and looking for these types of lists to help me realize how devastated my family and friends would be if I followed through with this whole suicide thing. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it is at least a deterrent for now. Thank you.
You are an amazing human being and you don’t deserve anything bad your way. You saved my life for another day and I thank you for that
What an empowering message by Carrie (: Indeed, committing suicide should not be the way out in times of darkness – it should be hope pulling us out from within. Quoting from your post, Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You.” When you feel like giving up, remind yourself why you started in the first place. Even if your original ambition is gone, your will for persevering should not be razed.
Sometimes all we need is some rest and some honesty with ourselves. Our hearts know exactly what we want, but we shroud it with a word, “uncertainty”. There was a time I felt that I had no idea what I was living for. My circumstances were not of anything close to disastrous – but I just had this feeling of emptiness and everyday I would wake up to me calling myself a failure.
I was setting myself up to suicidal thoughts. As you mentioned, Carrie, my reason for wanting to end my life would be this. Constant feelings of hopelessness. However, today I’ve grown out from that phase and am trying to become a better person than before. I’m doing my best to see things in a more positive light, as I try to appreciate whatever I have and do not lack. I try to see what’s good about myself, I allow myself to make mistakes, and with a completely new mentality also emerged a completely new me.
Everyone in life would have to go through many difficulties in some point. How we manage these problems determine our future. If you want to conquer, if you refuse to give up although meeting a dead end, then nothing is impossible. Chin up, and continue living the life you envision yours to be.
Cheers!
xoxo
..
I have no friends. I am intj. I am in some of the darkest woods I’ve ever been through right now and am having trouble seeing any light.
Hey if you want text me labasemile@gmail.com 🙂 very randomly but probably i can say something for you
Thank you for this. I find it incredible what you’ve been through and I’m so glad you’ve found happiness, and I want you to know that this article stopped me from doing something I probably would have come to regret.
Thank you again, god bless.
Some people do not believe in violence, no matter what the cause. Some see the good, even in the bad. Plus prison is cold in the winter.
If I want to die then I’ll do it. No one should make someone live if they don’t want to. I will not be guilted into staying alive. I already feel like I live for everyone else. I want to live for me and it’s proving more and more useless everyday.
This is exactly how I feel.
no the person is saying that poor life choices that take to much time, energy and lack of knowledge how to correct..make you want to end it…. only those with good mentors are able to secure their path.. SO add ..”too much hassle” to the list of wanting to stick around to create a livable life.
Hey I just wanted to say thanks for writing this didn’t really help but was more meaningful to me than most others I read thank you
My life has been a steady downward spiral for the last 18 years, and there is no realistic reason to expect it to improve. I’m an alcoholic (recovering, but that just makes me a pariah), I’m unemployable despite having a legal education that has left me in considerable debt, I’m too unattractive and too poor to date, I am a financial drain on my family and a social burden, and every new day simply brings new disappointments. I run, I exercise, I see a therapist, I take meds, I attend AA, I meditate, and I eat healthy. I apply for jobs and try to learn new skills to improve my chances at employment, but it has proven to be fruitless. The reality is that there is simply not a strong argument for my continued existence. I am not depressed, I simply don’t have a reason to exist. People’s primary retort is that things will get better, but this is not necessarily true. The world is full of people for whom things never get better, so to claim they will improve without any evidence of improvement is just stupidity on par with flat-earthers and climate change deniers.
The only thing keeping me alive is my family’s delusion that life, even life without purpose or hope of improvement, has value. How do I convince them that my eventual death is not a tragedy, but freedom from the economic and emotional burden I’ve placed on them?
I can guarantee with 100% certainty that beyond my family, my passing will do little more than ruffle a few feathers. One of the benefits of being a valueless social leach is that nobody outside of your family has the biologic imperative to see members of their gene pool survive, so no one else will miss me. Maybe my creditors.
So, how do I ease my family’s illogical and damaging attachment to me so that I can finally stop suffering?
My thoughts about myself are 100% accurate. I am the only one viewing myself with anything even remotely close to objectivity. The problem is that optimists all argue from a position of emotion. The idea that “things will get better because they have to get better” is fundamentally illogical. When you apply a logical, utilitarian lens to suicide, particularly in cases where hopelessness is a state of being rather than an emotion, then suicide becomes entirely defensible. It is hard to make an emotional argument against suicide against the bulwark of logical reasoning, which I suppose is why all of these lists of reasons not to kill myself failed. All their reasons appeal to emotion, like suicide is an emotional decision. It’s an entirely rational one in my case.
Eventually go away? Oh no honey, it doesn’t. Not ever. My father died from illness seven years ago and it still hurts. Go ask your Mama and you’ll find out how much she loves you. So you didn’t get what you wanted? You think that makes life not worth living? No honey you change your plans. You pull yourself up and you find something else. It takes work! Life is not for the lazy and unwilling. Whoever told you life would be sweet, take no work, and you’ll have whatever you want lied to you. I’m forty years old, married to a bum who won’t get off his sorry ass and get a job, I have four sons who drive me batshit crazy on a nearly daily basis, and I’m stuck living with my mother in law and her bitch of a daughter who thinks my children are hers. I write. That’s been my whole life. I’m a storyteller. It’s not easy, but I keep at it, rejection after rejection. Do you honestly think that’s what I wanted in life!? Hell no!! I was going to be a doctor. I’ve struggled with depression since I was…gods I’m not even sure anymore. I was diagnosed at 14 but I’ve suffered through it longer. At some point anxiety joined the party. I’ve attempted suicide. Attempted it more than once. Every time the depression gets bad I have those thoughts again. I don’t do it because I know it will destroy the people I love. I’ve seen children whose parent killed themselves and they were devastated. I’ve seen parents whose adult children killed themselves and I’ve never witnessed such grief from anyone else. Loving someone else is an unselfish act and does mean putting them above you. It really and truly is temporary and you can get past it, but it takes work. It’s a battle. I fight every single day. I go to bed, where I don’t often sleep, exhausted to my core, just to wake up and fight those demons every single day. But I won’t give up. I give up and they win. Nope sorry, not gonna happen because I’m a warrior and I will win. Someday.
Awesome! Your words brings tears to my eyes. I cannot express what I am, but I do recognize another warrior. I know there are many of us.
This too shall pass. No it never has and the whole point of suicide is that it’s what happens when the future isn’t worth waiting for anymore. I don’t care if it hurts my family. I hate them. These kinds of posts are usually so naive. We are not all the same.
Wow, you’re an asshole. I guess we know why you’re here.
A lot focus on DYING here?
Did anyone even consider the positives of LIVING?
If not, WHY NOT?
From my birth till today’s age I have heard loads of comments of how HARD LIFE IS.
Problem is, most people living in developed countries DO NOT know what a hard life is.
They just compare their life vs (pick your poison) neighbour, society, self guilt, success, fitness, partners, comercials, soap operas and so on….money influented guilt or self claimed guilt.
And basically NO ONE pauses and thinks for even 10seconds about:
– Is there ZERO people in the world that like my PHYSICS (If You do think so – Your are 100% WRONG on that one based on all the criteria on men and women, fantasies and so on)
– Is there ZERO people in the world that like my PSYCHICS (If You do think so – Your are 100% WRONG as well as people are different, your next door nieghbour might not, but did You look 4 doors away?)
– Is my life THAT horrible, compared to refugees that abandon everything but still fight to live for…themselves?
– Dont I have a job? (Will i not be able to get one if I stop being lazy and self contemplating?)
– I was raped, so now everyone will be a rapist? (I think You see where I am going….Its like You Yourself has made ONE bad thing in life = You AND Your friends are guaranteed to do the same bad thing. Of course NOT TRUE!
Try to seek yourself AWAY from bad people and toward good people.
How, dont act as avictim and focus on the GOOD people that YOU DESERVE! )
An so on—-I think You get my drift
What I am saying is, that some people are born with a golden spoon up their but….some are not. Some have horrible experiences in life, some dont.
But the people that had the SHITTIEST moments allready, are likely the ones to succumb the shitties challanges in the future as well…..AS LONG AS they look FORWARD and not backward (go on online dating, play a VR game, chat on discoord, comment on YouTube, talk with real friend if You have them, chat with parents or sibilings).
People with a problem-free life and a silve/gold-spoon up Yours truly, will likely feel a similar problem in life but for other reasons.
This doesnt mean You or They are weak – and even less – needs to end Your or Their lifes.
It just means – You need to LOOK FORWARD and act according to Your DREAMS and/or GOALS.
Moral of story – GET UP and do stuff and Your life WILL CHANGE. You will have negatives and positives – thats the way of homo sapien – NOT only YOU will experience negatives.
Its how YOU handle the negatives and adapt and how YOU take in the positives in Your life. Hard or easye – You have to do it 🙂
* Some people are not capable of this on their own and wont talk to friends/relatives/siblings – advice – seek medical attention – You NEED to talk with people that are normal.
* Some people pity themselves far too much even when life is good – advice – get Your ass up and live the life, stop drinking, abusing and start working out, love, make love, travel (even in the next door neighbourhood). Sun or Day light makes a TON of difference on depresson. Night sleep make the remaining 50% difference on depression. Sleep between 22-10 at least 6 hours a night on average if in the 40+es – general rule if not: 8 hours+ if You are sub 30 y.o.a., 10 hours+ if You are sub 20). Doesnt matter if You need a teddy or a friend to do it, just make sure You DO SLEEP! During sleep Your brain creates alll the “lucky hormones” and thus – if You do not sleep – It doesnt matter how lucky You are, You will still feel miserable and get “bad thoughts” (trust me – been there, done that)
Dont just sit there and self pity 🙂
Really tired of all the pep talks and personal testimonies of how people lost everything or experienced severe trauma, and decided to bounce back. Well done, good for you. Honest, I am happy for you, that’s good you are still here. There should however be an option for checking out in a peaceful manner instead of suffering every day in absolute mental hell – after therapy and meds have failed. What about some respect and compassion for making that decision? It’s so demeaning having to deal with therapists/doctors whose well intentioned paternalism only exacerbates one’s suffering. Don’t get me wrong, every effort should be made to help people, but there’s a point when some people are absolutely fed up with the bullshit of trying to stay alive, and continue to live in misery. It’s a complete lack or respect to simply dismiss this type of suffering with platitudes of better days ahead, or testimonies of how glad those who attempted didn’t succeed. Good for you too – honestly. Believe it or not, there are far too many people who end up taking the most unimaginably brutal of exits, and traumatize everyone from first responders to family members in the process. Denying this type of suffering exists for prolonged periods of time, with no breaks, is cruel beyond words; and believing everyone can be “saved” is naïve – surely people do not believe this? What evidence is there to support that belief? The hope and encouragement of those who are trying to help should not result in the prolonged suffering of those who know they want to check out. Like I said, continue to make the efforts to help people, but please try to show some compassion and respect to those who have been experiencing intolerable mental suffering for and extended period of time, and have simply had enough. They deserve to have the right of self determination, and, in a compassionate manner.
Your testimony is inspiring Carrie. Thanks for sharing it.
Some of us aren’t as strong as you, and live in constant intolerable mental suffering, despite all the best treatment. I just want the right for a peaceful and compassionate exit. The right of self determination, after much reflection. That’s all I ask. No criticism or pep talks. Just the respect to support me in a decision that others don’t agree with. A decision that’s my own. Thanks for listening.
I know you won’t post this Carrie, and that’s good. I just feel the need to say it. Thanks for listening. My circumstances are so awful (from my perspective) that I try to commit suicide, every day. I won’t go into details. Bad childhood, bad genetics, a good adult life, then everything fell apart. Meds, therapy, etc… I’ve just lost my will to live. I pray every day to die naturally, so I can spare my loved ones. It’s so tragic, it’s beyond words. I’m at the end of my career, (not working for 2 years now), and kids who are having serious issues of their own. I’ve always been a loner (but married and had a family). No hobbies, no desire to live. For those who can’t or don’t want to live, there should be a peaceful way out. Everyone should try to live, but when you don’t want to for years on end, a respectful/peaceful end should be provided. Super tragic, I know. I must go have a soul wrenching cry now. Please email me if you have any ideas – not the typical ones though (e.g. find a hobby/passion, don’t leave the family in pain, etc). Thanks.
Be at peace with your misery. The sun is beautiful, and so are you.
Carrie,
Thank you for your post and attempting to encourage anyone you can! I sure as HELL needed it!!!
Thank you Carrie, I really needed this.
You are an inspiration Carrie. I commend you for managing your trauma. I would just like to post an appeal for everyone to support medical assistance in dying. I am done with living. Long story. Every day is hell. Been like this for 2+ years. My environment/surroundings are very good, but my internal hell is intolerable. I am so tired of trying to explain it to others. They just don’t understand it. Meds, therapy, etc…. all a waste of time. I tried, but “they” would say, “not hard enough”. I wouldn’t understand “me” either if I was them. That doesn’t change the fact that I suffer intolerably every day. Please be at peace, and consider a graceful exit for adults such as myself as infinitely preferable to a brutal, lonely, traumatizing exit.