“If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown
Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.
In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.
How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?
How many times have you said a certain word or phrase in order to spark a specific reaction?
How much do you expect from this person? Do they fail you each and every time?
In healthy relationships there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.
We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.
With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.
I call my father a sperm donor. He gave me life but never showed up in my life.
My friends at school never knew I had a father because they never saw him. He missed all of the concerts and sports games. For the majority of my life, we didn’t talk. He didn’t acknowledge me—no birthday calls. I had no idea where my dad lived. Some days I was not sure he was still alive.
In high school, my dad limped back into my life. I could stop by his apartment and visit him when I wanted to. If I called him, he would pick up the phone. Things were changing between us.
Blindingly bright, his true colors revealed themselves the night before my high school graduation when I called to make sure he was coming. He said he couldn’t attend because he had to drive a friend to the airport. Cabs exist. His friend could have used one. I was angry, sad, and most of all, hurt.
Rejection from my father has been the hardest thing for me to accept. It is not easy to grasp the idea that someone who once loved me, adored me, gave life to me could turn his back and walk away so easily.
I could no longer take the feelings of disappointment.
These feelings were a direct result of what I was expecting from him:
- Assuming he would respond to things as I would.
- Assuming he would care like I do.
- Assuming he thinks in a similar way as I do.
I was living in a fantasyland of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.
I was hurting myself most.
For the protection of my emotional body, I changed my perception from what I hoped would happen to being open to experience whatever actually happens.
This shift didn’t occur immediately, but by following the five steps listed below I was able to come to peace with the type of relationship I have with my father.
1. Be aware of reality.
Acknowledge the other person’s behaviors. Look at patterns and how they regularly treat you. Remember the feelings you had in the past. Don’t be fooled into believing things are different from how they are.
2. Stop manipulating situations.
Many times we yearn for specific responses, like validation and approval. When we do not receive what we want, we may speak or behave in certain ways to try to elicit the desired reaction.
This type of behavior leaves us feeling empty when the other person does not react the way we hope they would. Remember, you cannot change anyone; it is up to them to change.
3. Let go.
Throw expectations and assumptions out the door. Release the hopes, wishes, and dreams that things will change by detaching from the ideas.
Get out of the fantasy world by not hooking into the thoughts of what could be. Keep your mind from running into the future. Remain open to all possibilities by staying in the present moment.
4. Focus on those who love you.
It will be easier to follow the third step if you remind yourself of those who are there for you. They continue to be there because they care about you. Focus on people who make you feel loved, connected, cared for, and worthy. Reach out to them and reconnect.
5. Learn to love yourself.
Provide yourself with what you are yearning for (compliments, compassion, or encouragement). Only you know what you truly need.
Realize each moment you are being the best you at that time. Build self-confidence and strive to eliminate any doubts you have about yourself. When you feel shaky or alone, look in your eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Nurture yourself. Feel the love you have inside of yourself.
Let go of your expectations of people and see how your relationships change. And if you don’t feel differently about it or if it’s not benefiting you, you can always walk away. Your emotional state matters most. You cannot control other people, but you can make yourself happy.
Photo by Don
About Khrystle Rea
Khrystle Rea is a certified health + fitness coach who helps women kick anxiety to the curb naturally. She is all about creating a calm lifestyle with food, thoughts, and exercise. Learn more about her and what she does at www.khrystlerea.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Khrystle, thank you for writing this post and sharing your painful story, which is no easy task.
Appreciate learning about your journey from resistance to acceptance.
I think #3 is key to your situation, my situation with my past and to all of us in every aspect of our lives. Letting go and living in the present moment. As Eckhart Tolle says, “the past cannot survive in your presence, it can only survive in your absence.” So the more present we are, the more in the moment we can life our life.
In the present, there is not past pain, hurt, suffering, unmet expectations or rejection. I’m glad you’re making the best of the situation with these life-changing tips and behaviors. Your ability to move on from something like this is inspiring – you remind me that I should be able to do this in all aspects of my life.
This entry made me cry. There are so many truths in it.
What a whole, loveable, sensible person I would have become if I had read that article 60 years ago when I was 20! Oh dear friends, read and take note….and live well x
Absolutely needed this today! Such a lovely piece of writing to assist in my meditation for the new year.
I’m going through this right now with my Mom; though it has been only a few months since it has surfaced. I have some of the same feelings you describe. I feel peace when I walk away, but a part of my spirit can’t shut her out. I am taking it as it comes and focusing my energy on my dreams and my children for now. There is a shadow over my life as I sort it all out.
I was great at accepting my Dad and all his flaws when he was still alive, because he accepted ME! It makes all the difference. I have grown as a person since losing him, and I feel better able to remain peaceful inside despite the disapproval my Mom continues to show.
Best to you and remember that you are enough just as you are.
Thanks…Great article. I just experienced a relationship recently, where my eyes were wide open to the reality of what was going on. As I remained grounded, realistic, and honest….the other person approached it with expectations of what they wanted. Ultimately, they weren’t happy because things weren’t going how they believed it should in their mind and they weren’t hearing what they wanted to hear. Sadly, instead of letting things flow as they might, they wanted to force things into the plan they had in their mind. My awareness let me know that I was simply someone they were plugging in to a preconceived idea of how things should be. I felt unknown. When I did share of myself, my feelings, my hopes and dreams…they didn’t want to hear it (it didn’t fit theirs).
I’m very grateful for the awareness of this and the clarity it has given me and a little sad, this relationship didn’t even have a chance to get off the ground (just 4 wks)
Thanks again….blessings,
Thanks for sharing. As many others, this story resonated with me and personified my own relationship with those I’ve loved.
This is wonderful. So much of this resonates with where I’m at in life right now. Thanks!.
Beautiful article! I just recently ended a romantic relationship with a best friend because I wanted to be treated better but nothing changed. Soon I realized that it is just how he is, and I could either accept it and continue feeling abandoned, or walk away. Acceptance of who the person is and not trying to change them is so important, then and only then do you realize if you really want this particular person so closly tied in your life. We are going to continue being friends. but he just wasn’t relationship material. That is a hard fact to accept!!
Again, loved the article Khrystle, thank you : – )
Thanks so much for sharing your story, your journey through your experience and the lessons you’ve gained from it.
So good to see the teacher and guide you’ve become.
Thank-you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I now have “change your expectations” on a sticky note on my desk.
Thank you so much for this article… The timing is impeccable. After breaking up with my college boyfriend five years ago, we’ve slowly been rebuilding a friendship from across the country. I’m moving home in a few months and I want to get back together, but he says he just wants to be friends. Everything about the way he’s treated me over the last few years of correspondence says “casual friendship” but I’ve been stubbornly delusional and unable to grasp the truth. Only after he made no effort to see me while I was home over the holidays did I finally realize that I’ve been living in fantasyland about the possibility of getting back together anytime soon. Your advice is very much appreciated.
Next dont share to soon. Keep them guessing! I learnt the hard way
“I felt unknown.” Wow. That’s an amazing insight, and a helpful concept when looking at relationships. Thank you for that!
Thank you, it’s very poignant. I’ve been working through some of my own rejection issues, and this is a beautifully written piece of advice. Rather than analyzing the ego, and the head games we all play, you gave us a great perspective!
Thank you for this. Really hurting right now by treatment by friends and family over a crowdfunding project. I accept if they don’t want to donate, but what I experienced was down right meanness and cruelty. Very shaken by their words. But I am letting it go–and praying that they don’t take out their pain on other people.
Needed this today! How did you know?! 🙂
Thank you thank you, Khrystle! Whole article is really pertinent to my world and mindset right now. Especially number 2. This is a very ingrained destructive pattern with me: “make” people show/demonstrate/prove their feelings in ways that I want them to, or refuse to acknowledge their feelings mean anything at all (side note, I have borderline personality disorder, and this behaviour is sorta the hallmark of it. Not that a diagnosis = a whole person, obviously, but worth noting). Anyway, it is a deeply flawed system because, as you say, when you expect others to behave how you want them to (in other words, when you essentially manipulate them to react a certain way), you will feel empty when they don’t act that way. But that’s nothing compared to how empty you will feel when, after all your cajoling, they do finally act that way. All love, validation, support, etc. from others will start to seem untrustworthy because you’re so used to manipulating reactions, how do you know what is “real” and what is your false creation? Vicious, sad cycle I need to step out of by taking my own hand, not someone else’s…
What if that person you can’t change is your spouse, the parent of your children and the provider of the family? How do you just walk away when they keep on hurting you and they won’t change? As much as I like your way of thinking it’s really not that easy.
This question is most inspiring to me. It is so easy for people to say walk away or take them out of your life. That to me is giving up on them. I am not at all talking about an abusive situation. I am talking about unconditional love and faith in that person you truly want in your life. This world isn’t easy and it is true we get so disappointed from how we think it should be in our own minds. I guess I choose to have hope and trust in the person even if it breaks my heart I still keep faith.
This is a wonderful post Khrystle. I think many of us can relate to feeling let down by someone. I know I’ve had to work on focusing on the people who do care and letting go of the expectations I have of people, although this has got easier over the past few years. Thanks again for sharing your story in this great post.
Oh my
God! I read this article and I had to
step away from it before I was able to write down my thoughts of response to
it. Khrystle Rea, I feel your past pain
and rejoice in your ability to share it in such an enlightening way. Khrystle, your age maybe young; although, the
wisdom that you so openly shared is the knowledge obtained generally by an
elderly person. To be able to step out
of your own discomfort and confront your emotions through a brilliant light is
a pure gift. I read the responses of all
others and your gift of wisdom obtained as well as your gift with the ability
to share has touched, comforted, and redirecting many paths in their
journey. This article is enlightening,
encouraging and inspiring. I acknowledge
you for the courage to share it. That is
how and when and how the child within is healed. You have discovered that you
are a pillar of strength and that you must matter to you first. Thank you for sharing an incredible “real”
story. Blessings…
Thanks so much for this post! This is something I continue to grapple with when it’s concerning someone who is special to me, but I always need to keep in my mind that whatever they do is about them — not me.
Thanks again.
Thank you!
After reading this there is so much I have learned. We all have ways of dealing with trauma and abuse, and looking outside of ourselves, in helping others is great but its not a way to get back to where we came from or get back what we lost. I need to learn to get comfortable in my new skin, that the old me is gone and this one is just as good. Sad to think but by the time I am able to reconnect with myself and stop seeing my life as if it were a bad movie playing over again, my journey here will have ended. A waste? Maybe for me but not for those who I have helped and the lives I have saved. Would love to read more….
Thank you for taking the time to read the article! 🙂
I agree with you on Eckhart Tolle’s saying, being present is crucial. The best thing about being present is that it is something we can learn to do and the more we practice it the better we become at living in the present moment.
Best of luck with all that is going on in your life. You have the ability to create whatever life you want 🙂 just got to make it happen!
So glad this advice resonated with you. His lack of effort must not have felt good; I’m sorry he is missing out on you! It is great that you are so aware of the situation 🙂 awareness is key because it allows you to change.
Thank you for reading!
It sounds like that person didn’t deserve your time, especially because it seems like they were closed to really learning you.
Luckily there are plenty of fish in the sea!
You just never know when you will meet the perfect person, but at least you didn’t spend too much time with someone who may not deserve you.
You deserve the best!
Thank you for taking the times to read!
I can’t help but grin about your sticky note – I do the same thing at my desk.
You are enough just as you are as well :)! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and the struggles with your mother. Best of luck to you as you sort it out.
Remember to take nothing personally (one of the 4 agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book – “The Four Agreements”).
I hope you can figure out the perfect balance of how much your mother is included in your life. Listen to your gut. It will guide you.
Thank you for reading!
I agree!! Accepting someone for who they are is crucial in relationships. I really learned a lot about relationships in a book called “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I’m glad to hear you are going to be friends with him still. You deserve the best – never settle!
Happy New Year! All the best with your meditation.
I am honored that you were so touched by this piece! Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post! Focusing on those that care really does make a difference! So awesome you have experienced that while also letting go of expectations. 🙂
Walking away is not always the answer, but changing yourself is possible. You can change how you perceive that person. You can learn to provide yourself with the love you crave. You can really look into what is hurting you and why is it hurting you. Explore yourself and what buttons are being pushed. You are reacting and feeling a particular way because of something in you. The other person is there helping you learn your lesson. I think if you can really figure out what is going on and change your point of view, then maybe the hurt won’t sting so much. In the end it is up to you to decide if you want to feel hurt and how long you decide to feel hurt. You can always change your emotions and your feelings by being with them, letting them flow until you get to the other side and are able to release them. It is up to you.
Thank you for reading!
One of the most simple ideas that I learned in therapy is once you do one thing differently, the entire cycle stops. The best part is you can decide when in the cycle you want to be different. By first being aware of entering the cycle you can choose do you want to go to step 2 of the cycle or do you want to do something different. It may take some time to practice being aware of the cycle and deciding when to do something different. I don’t always notice that I am repeating a cycle until I am half way in it and then I have to decide do I want to make it different or do what I always do.
It’s all about learning you. :)!
A little birdie told me :)!
Thanks for reading!
Oh no! I am so sorry to hear they were just mean and cruel. 🙁
You are a big person by letting it go and not holding their words against them. Fingers crossed they don’t take their pain out on others! Wishing you the best with your crowdfunding project!
Thank you for reading!
Eckhart Tolle has a wonderful book about the ego called “A New Earth.”
The mind is an amazing thing – talks me in and out of the same argument/issue. I can’t always trust the conclusion! Thank goodness for my gut.
Thank you for reading!! 🙂
Wishing you all the best with what’s going on in your life! It will all work out in the most perfect way.
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! It’s wonderful knowing you also have experienced something similar to me – it’s always comforting realizing I’m not alone with all of this and neither are you!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!!
So glad you have learned something from the post.
On my blog keepingitequal.com I will be writing about other emotional topics and lessons I struggle with. Tiny Buddha always has inspiring articles as well!
I hope you will start playing a better movie over and over again. Each moment is a new moment especially when living in the present.
Amazing you have saved lives and helped others – some people cannot say they have done that in their life time. That to me is incredible work.
Thank you for reading!!
Agreed!! Take nothing personally. Good luck with continuing learning your lessons.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Thank you for reading this post and responding!
Your responses are beautiful – I really appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion.
Wishing you all the best in this new year!
This article is very true to me and I came to this at the right time. I’d say it’d be one of the changes I’m making for New Year’s. I’ve been hurt too many times expecting some people I’ve held very dear to me to respond back to me in the way I would respond… obviously it’s never going to happen. They are never going to care as much. In order to keep my emotional well being happy I’m afraid I’m going to have to walk away or let them go. Either that, or put a good distance between them. I’ve stuck around many times already but just ended up being disappointed. Sometimes you just figure out people’s true colors even though it takes a while to see it. Kind of sad.
What if the other person does things which hurt you ? When everything has been wrong ? When you feel if you get even a little bit closer to the person and if you are hurt again you won’t be able to take it ? Should we stick to a relation and try to make ot perfect ? I am unable to let go becuse i feel like i should make her life better do every thing for her but i don’t see care from her side. I already suffer from anxiety and ocd.
Congrats, Khrystle! What a beautiful post!! 🙂