“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown
Relationships end, everyone knows that. The tough part is actually dealing with suffering, accepting, letting go, moving on, and processing a whole lot of other feelings at the same time.
Six months ago my ex-boyfriend decided to end our relationship because he couldn’t forgive me for a mistake I’d made.
During the first weeks of our breakup I decided that it would be best if I just gave him some time to think things out. I accepted the consequences of my error and decided not to pressure him.
I knew it was my fault we were in this mess, and he was suffering from my wrongdoing (which didn’t involve infidelity).
After a month we saw each other again, and he told me that he could not forgive me for what I did—that my mistake meant that I didn’t love him and had never loved him throughout our three years together.
I asked for forgiveness. I asked for a second chance. He told me he couldn’t trust me anymore and couldn’t risk getting hurt again. I accepted his decision and started moving on with my life.
Two months passed, and one night he called me. He told me that he missed me terribly and wanted to see me. The next day we went to Starbucks.
He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me, that he compared every woman with me, and that he wanted to give us a second chance. But then he told me he was too scared to fully commit to me and that he wasn’t sure what he wanted.
I was surprised. I thought he came to me because he knew that he wanted to be with me, but he didn’t. He was confused. I told him he should figure out what he wanted before hurting someone.
Three weeks went by, and one day a friend of mine told me he had a girlfriend.
He had made the decision to move on. Now I had to do the same.
I was devastated. I loved him so much. I was still waiting for him because I had hope. I was still waiting for that second chance. I was left with a big hole in my heart and a turbulent, uncontrollable mind.
If you’ve also had to accept that someone you once loved doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you probably understand the rush of feelings and thoughts that come to you every day, every hour, every minute.
It feels like even though you try to move on, to stop remembering, to stop speculating and thinking about this person, you make no progress.
Even though I never felt guilty about the end of the relationship (I am certain I did everything I could to save it and I was not going to torture myself), I did feel sad that he was with someone else, and I was still thinking about him and how great we once were.
Talking about it to my friends only helped momentarily. Hours later I always found myself thinking all those things I shouldn’t be thinking again.
My mind was a hurricane of all the wrong thoughts.
Suddenly I found myself not worrying about the fact that the relationship had ended. Instead, I was worrying about the way I was living each day, the way I was thinking with a “victim” mentality.
I was torturing myself with my own thoughts! And the only person who could help me was me. The answer was inside—and only inside—me.
I read books, articles, essays. I was trying to find the key wisdom that could allow me to finally feel peace of mind.
Through this process, I discovered the power of positive thinking and acceptance.
Everybody is different and therefore handles situations in different ways. For instance, I am a very sensitive and vulnerable person. When someone hurts me, I cry a lot, I forgive immediately, I don’t hate, and I don’t seek revenge.
However, the feelings of disappointment and sadness stick with me for a long time, and I strive a lot to finally let go of those feelings.
Dealing with a breakup requires immense strength from us. We need to be strong to control our thoughts, to stop the crying, to find happiness in the present moment, and to let go of that person we love so much.
So, how do we get this strength? How do we start moving on? How do we begin to let go?
I’ve come to learn that there is no one single effective method to deal with a break up.
Some people might tell you it’s better to get involved with someone else as soon as possible; others might tell you to be alone a couple of months; and some others might argue that love is not worth it, and that you will always get hurt.
I want to share what I have learned from my experience. I’d like to tell you it’s easy, but it’s not. It requires a lot of strength, patience, determination, hope, and self-esteem.
If you are currently dealing with a traumatic break up or you still have the memory of the loved one so close to your heart you think you might never forget them, these tips may help:
1. Stop any contact with that person.
Stop calling, and stop sending texts or emails. Respect his/her decision. It won’t be easy, but every time you want to text or call them, remind yourself, “This will only hurt me and make it harder to let go and move forward with my life.”
2. Stop looking for reasons why it ended and have what you could have done better.
It’s tempting to rehash what happened and blame yourself for your shortcomings, but you can’t change the past, so why torture yourself reliving it? The only thing that matters is the fact that the relationship came to its end and it’s time to move on.
3. Stop thinking about what that other person thinks, does, wishes, plans, and feels.
The only person that matters now is you. It matters what you think, do, wish, plan and feel.
4. Practice acceptance.
Commit each morning to fully accepting what is happening in the now. Believe there is a reason why this is all happening and trust that it’s for the best. That this breakup will somehow support your growth or lead to something good, even if you can’t see it now.
5. Do not hate or wish anything negative to that person.
You won’t hurt them by thinking negative thoughts about them. You’ll only hurt yourself by staying stuck in this kind of anger and bitterness.
6. Allow yourself to feel and to grieve.
This was the most important one for me. Don’t feel guilty for being sad or wishing things were different. Allow yourself to feel the pain of losing the person you love.
Don’t hide your emotions, and don’t be embarrassed because you’re hurting. It only makes it worse to respond to a difficult feeling (i.e. sadness) with another difficult feeling (i.e. guilt). Just let yourself feel whatever you feel, with no time limit imposed.
7. Enjoy the sensation of knowing you did everything you could.
Maybe you fought for that person or asked for forgiveness. Be confident that in the future you will never regret making the wrong decision and will never think about “what could have happened,” because you know you made an effort.
8. Practice gratitude.
Make a list of everything good going on in your life that you’re grateful for. Include attributes that make you a special and desirable person. Keep adding elements to this list, including all the things we take for granted, such as our health, our education, our families, our friends, and our skills. Refer to this list whenever you think you lost the best thing in your life. You didn’t. There’s a lot still left to appreciate, and a lot more coming down the road.
9. Embrace positive thinking.
Start each day thinking about something that inspires or uplifts you. Think about people you admire, dreams yet to be fulfilled, things you’re looking forward to in your day. Fill your mind with positive thoughts to counteract the negative ones.
10. Read.
Read self-help books or articles related with this topic. (Don’t be embarrassed—no one needs to know!) Stop watching romantic movies and listening to love songs. Instead, read, read, read! Books can transform your life.
—
Even though four months have passed since my breakup, I still practice what I have shared with you. It’s not easy and it’s definitely not an automatic change. But the key is to start.
Only you can change how you are feeling. No one else can.
Remind yourself every day that life is good and that eventually the pain will pass. Life is happening right now, and there’s no reason to waste more days feeling sad about the past.
Change your perspective about life, loss, and pain; learn to view everything that happens to you as a positive thing.
You can’t control someone else’s decision, so focus on what you can control: your thoughts, your attitude, and your reaction.
We’ve all dealt with breakups before. You are not alone on this. Don’t give up hope; give it time!
And remember:
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Confucius.
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Hello. I found Tiny Buddha 4 mo ago. I had been trying to find anything that would help me deal with my life & the fact that my 12 yr relationship was falling apart./ending. I struggle everyday to learn & keep embracing all the life lessons shared on this site. I can relate to every article I have read lol. Tonight we got into a bad fight & I logged on to tiny Buddha to look for solace & this article had just been posted! Unbelievable timing lol.
This article was a fantastic read for me. For the past few weeks, I have turned to this site for help processing a similar situation. I couldn’t believe how well Ana articulates the experience, and the list of tips is tremendous and a great reminder of what I need to continue to do.
Ana, great post. Once again I am struggling with a sleepless mind dealing with a seperation. I can relate to your story except I don’t have a resolution yet. My wife has not come to a decision about the future of our marriage. I have acknowledged where I have gone wrong and make a daily concious effort to not repeat those behaviors. I have grown tremendously but my mind keeps focusing on the worst case scenario which negatively impacts my actions and words. It is a struggle at times to keep positive but I know if I dont things will not go well, that has been what has landed me in this situation. I live in the now and make every attempt to block out the future, because yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and all we have is the present which is a gift. I am trying to find acceptance and to strive for a better way of life and have faith that no matter how our seperation ends, I will be a better person because of it. That is the only control I have. I am being patient and doing everything I can to repair the damage I have done, that is all I can do. After almost 9 years together my words have no meaning, and it is my actions that will say I am not that person anymore. Thank you for your thoughts and I wish you the best.
Great article! Keep writing!
They say it takes two weeks to get over loss, that might be a relationship that lasted 15 years or 15 weeks, the death of a loved one (although you never get over that, the pain just lessons), or a traumatic incident. I’ve found this to be very true in all three cases. So its best to keep breathing, be kind to yourself and don’t expect things to be better too quickly. Each day will get better, but don’t be hard on yourself if it takes awhile. Also thought I’d share one of my fav sayings, it’s from Anais Nin “forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it”. Bestest!
So happy I found this blog. I love it. This article helped me tremoudously. Thank thank you
I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation and am glad to know that what I am feeling is normal. Thanks for sharing.
This is so timely. I love reading these day to day and they either apply to my life or someone I care for. Thank you.
I am in the middle of a breakup and this article has definitely come at the right time. What’s confusing for me is that we both stil love each other and want to be together. But know from previous experience that for some reason we can’t work as a couple.
For some reason even though we love each other so much we both agreed to split up because we agreed we didn’t bring out the best in each other. Since we broke up we have both become a lot more active and productive than we were.
I just don’t understand how I can love someone so much but am also not meant to be with that person.
Any advice? We are still e-mailng occasionally and it’s been 2 months since we broke up. I know the article says avoid all contact but I would still like him in my life even if only as friends, although that probably will make it harder to move on…
This was a timely article for me to read.
At the very end of July I left Italy and the relationship with the man I lived with for over 6 years. Everything fell apart. I didn’t know what was happening. He was having health problems. In fact, as I found out later he was terminally ill and kept it from me. After I left he never communicated with me except to write and tell me that my beloved dog had died. She had cancer, too. But he didn’t tell me although I knew she was ill. I thought it was just arthritis. She died a month after I left. He died on Jan.31.
Talk about letting go. I know all to well the mental hurricanes that rip through the mind. I have good days and bad days. But what scares me the most is the feeling that I’ll never trust anybody again.
I am trying to cope up with a breakup from my
“BFF”. I helped her through some very difficult times sacrificing a lot of my
time and energy to support her. When it came time to support me she didn’t give
a damn. She was getting judgmental and started criticizing me for small things.
I finally broke up with her. I am learning to cope up with how to deal with
this break up as I still feel heavy resentment towards her for taking advantage
of me. I hate this negative feelings as it is all consuming. It is getting complicated
as we are connected thru common friends and it is hard for me to put on a
“being nice” show. I am also going thru some rough patch in my life. I
also desperately want to have some good friend and just have some good times.
No drama queen and someone who wouldn’t be “me me me” all the time. Just some good
laughs. Any good advice would be appreciated!
Great article!
This is exactly where I am right now! My Ex broke up with me last November. The key thing that Ana said that I want to reiterate is that THERE IS NO ONE ANSWER. So I’m journaling, talking to friends, breathing, meditating, crying, yelling, drawing, starting new projects and practicing self-inflicted compassion. 🙂
One thing that has also helped is that I taped a picture of a 6 year old me on my laptop. I’m in front of it 12+ hours a day. I’ll look down at that little guy and tell him I’m here for him and that I’m cheering for him now.
Kind of weird, I know. But strangely enough, it helps. That younger version of me is getting unconditional love now.
this made me cry so hard!!!! but is soo true
thanks for sharing!!! the steps will b hard to do
I’m in a committed relationship right now and I don’t foresee having to use any of these tips again, but I really enjoyed reading this and thinking about how I handled past relationships. Thanks for taking the time to write this.
I needed this… thank you! but I don’t know if I could enjoy the sensation of knowing I did everything I could, I do most of the things you listed there but I don’t think I did my best, because he just left without saying anything… but I am getting by and I try to stop asking why.
We should focus on what we gain than the loss…
Very very well written. Thanks so much for sharing.
I have been recently faced with a similar pain. It seems there care many of us dealing with this pain. For me I believed so strongly that we should be together, that I did nothing wrong, and that we worked well together. She was in many ways everything to me and I loved her fully, openly, and without fear. She was tired, overwhelmed, and scared with things in her own life and so when things got rough and we lacked the communication and selflessness needed to make our relationship strive she ran. I could not let this happen I smothered our love instead of nurturing it and now all she can see is the negative things about me. It’s hard to deal with. It hurts really bad. I feel like I have reached most of these steps and it’s incredible to hear someone else feeling the same thing, especially when I couldn’t feel more alone. The unfortunate part is even after the attempting to move on, the acceptance, and the all of it it doesn’t make it hurt less. It doesn’t make me not wake up and think about her only to remind myself not to. It’s rough and I feel for anyone going through this right now. Thank you for you’re contribution.
good post really enjoyed soooooo much …….i like u ann really really great post
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Last week my fiance broke up with me. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and we live together. He has struggled with untreated mental disorders that have changed him and I often struggled with the decision of whether staying him was good for me or not in the long run. His thought process became distorted at some point and he decided that the only thing he wants to focus on in this life is enhancing his spirituality and personal spiritual growth. And for him, that now means there’s no room for me in his life. It’s pretty clear that he has no idea what he wants and is just as conflicted as me. He still lives with me and is trying to find somewhere to live but he quit his job, owns no furniture, and somehow expects to find somewhere to live. I’ve given him a few weeks to find a place. I don’t know what to do. He acts like nothing has happened: still smiles at me and he’s told me he still loves me and it hurts him to end it. I still have to see him everyday and I don’t know how to cope. I’m finishing up a medical degree and already under so much stress. I moved away from my family for school and only have a few friends here. I have no idea what to think … part of me really wants to be with him and live my dream of getting married and having kids. And the other part of me is mad at him for doing this to me and for “wasting” so many years of my life. At the same time, I wonder if it’s best to just let him go and try to move on. He has been my best friend for a long time and I just feel lonely and isolated. This was helpful to read. I’m going to try my best to take this advice to heart.
Ahhh break ups are so sad and yet. More times then not the most necessary. This post has been well written and one I would have loved to read several years back when I went through yet another breakup.
Now looking back at those tears I can easily see why they needed to happen as they were so unhealthy. Now I can say thank you for dumping me .
Now my life is full to the brim with love, honesty, and same mindedness…what a joy..
Hi JP, I actually also started reading Tiny Buddha because I was trying to deal with my break up in the best way possible. I am very glad my post was helpful. I was wishing that some of the things I’ve learned helped others. I want to advise you that if you read something helpful, memorize it, write it down, read it or repeat it constantly, every day, every second. Everything will get better soon. Never give up hope, give it time =)
Hi! I am glad you liked the post and that it helped you with what you are going through. What I can see from your post is that you also made a mistake and that special person is having a hard time forgiving you. You have already taken the first step for making things better, you have acknowledged your error and are willing to make it up to her. You are going in the right direction. If you hurt this person, try to understand her. Practice patience and empathy. Please keep your mind flowing with positive thoughts. This happened to determine how strong or fragile your relationship is. Any outcome will be for the best. You might not see this soon, but eventually you will see why everything happened for a reason. I hope everything turns out ok, but in the meantime don’t let the negative thoughts consume you. Focus on all the good things going on in your life and keep it positive! =)
Hi Colleen, I adored your quote about forgiveness. Thanks for sharing that =)
Hi Margie, I am glad this article helped you. Keep practicing patience and acceptance. And always keep the positive thoughts flowing. =)
Hi Victoria. It is definitely normal. Please allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now. Do not pressure yourself to feel something different, if you do this you will only end up more confused and overwhelmend, trust me. Everybody goes through hard times in their relationships, you are not alone. Be strong =)
Go back to him. Make it work. Life is short and full of sorrow. Don’t let anything stand in the way of your love.
Thank you for this essay. The advice is excellent. I recently went through a very painful breakup, one that was not my choice. It has been perhaps the most wrenchingly painful experience of my entire life (and I’ve been around for a while!).
As difficult as the parting has been, it’s helped me discover quite a few things about myself. I’m seeing how I compromised in the relationship, in areas where I should not have compromised. And I’m seeing that even breakups, when handled in a spirit of gentleness and compassion for all parties, can bring powerful clarity.
Thank you, Ana.
Ufff it´s so hard for me to let go… i waqnt so bad to stop regreating and just accept he doesn´t want to know about me. it was a great and yet hard relationship… we loved each other but we couldnt be together. We couldng see often, but talked every day and shared every momento. i was getting really hard on him the lasts months, every time finding a reason to fight and argue… and he just said “don´t write to me anymore, you tired me” and never talked to me again. i phoned him and he said we werent a real couple, that he decided to stay like he was and not choosing me. that he loved and maybe, some time, will met again.. i am still trying to understand what trigger his decission and why after 3 years he wouldnt give us a reall break up… he just waited for me to call him to say reasons i still cant accept. they are not enough. we deserved at least a reall end, not this…. he said he loves me but if he does, how can he just vanished without explaining his decission? im a mess, i know. he hadn´t written since january and i still cry for him and think it just imposibble for me to stop loving even after what he did. thanks for the post, ill try to put this in action. i was doing well till a week ago that i just went a few steps back again….
Hi Linda, thanks for your comment. I am glad this article will help you or someone you love. =)
i read the article and all the comments and it made me cry so hard. when i met my bf i was the brightest, happiest person. i was sure it was meant to be and after 3 years of being single and rejecting any possible commitment, i met this man, fell in love and devoted myself to him in a fearless way. the past months have been torture though. now i am standing in front of him, looking at him as if he was a stranger who humiliated and insulted me in every way possible. still i love him so much and the fact that after every crazy fight he crawls back telling me how much he loves me, drives me completely insane. this relationship turns me into a person i don’t want to be and i need to find a way to let it go. i have lost my energy, my light, my happiness and feel completely worn out and empty. i will try to apply everything i read but it’s gonna be so hard to do, as i feel weak and vulnerable.
I love this idea! It helps to have an outward representation of the inner you that needs to be loved and cherished.
Hi. I am so glad you are writing what you feel and are asking for advice. I understand how frustrating can be havin the dilemma of being with someone or just let them go. I totally understand the feeling of loving someone but also knowing deep inside it’s not the best option to be together. I know it’s confusing and overwhelming. I am going to try to summarize everything I have learned from my relationships and also my friend’s. Sometimes its hard to end a relationship because you still love him and you are used to sharing everything with him, and its hard to let go because the first few months you will obviously miss him terribly. But here’s the thing, nothing nothing in this life is permanent. Everything changes. If you break up, you can someday get back together, or you can meet someone else who you will love even more. If you already know the reasons why you shouldn’t be together you need to be brave and be without him for a couple of months. In the article I wrote that you need to end any communication, this is because I believe it’s the only way you can actually think, live, grow and find a solution to your problems. When you stop seeing or talking to this person both can grow and change. Let time pass, and then maybe you will get together again, but you will be stronger and wiser. And this time it might work! But I strongly believe you need time apart for this to happen. And time means 6 months or one year, not a few weeks. It might be hard at first, but remember, we humans get used to everything, eventually you won’t be missing him so much, you will get used not to talk to him. Also, remember not talking with him doesn’t mean you have erased him from your life. You can always start a friendship or relationship with him after time has passed. Just make sure everything ends in good terms. Let me put it this way, you can either have something beautiful and permanent in the future, or you can have something brief and fragile right now. Trust yourself, trust life, trust the universe. Nothing is permanent, so don’t worry to much. If you need further advice we can talk any time! I =)
oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you, Sera.
Hello! Thanks for sharing your story. I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. I haven’t gone through the same situation, but hopefully thethings I shared on this article have helped you let go. My only suggestion is for you to start trusting again. Life is fill with different persons and opportunities. And I know for sure love is the best medicine for a broken heart. Time helps too, but love really makes everything better. Love of yourself, love of your friends, love of a new girlfriend or boyfriend. =)
Last year I went through a really intense breakup…we were together for 10 years but had just grown apart, and it went from bad to ugly. I can definitely say that all you’ve said here is incredibly helpful and accurate. I actually just sent it to a good friend of mine going through the same thing right now.
Many thanks. 🙂
Hello! I am glad you are sharing your story and you are channeling your frustration by writing. This is the first advice I can give you, never lose control in front of her or your friends. Try to keep it together and then find another place or person that will be there for you when you release your anger and resentment. It’s hard when you have people in common with your ex, I know how that feels, but it’s impossible to change things. What you can change is your attitude. The first days or weeks will be rough, but eventually you will not even notice that you have friends in common any more. Trust me. I also wanted to recommend you to try to eliminate all negative feelings towards this person. Those feelings and thoughts will be of no use. You are not making things easier for yourself. Holding to anger towards someone is like “holding a hot piece of coal on your hand expecting to throw it at someone”.. “only you get burned before you even throw it”. Beleve me, you are doing more harm to yourself by remembering all those bad things she did to you and not letting them go. I am not telling you it’s easy, I am telling you it’s possible and it’s your best option. Forget about what she did, that’s her issue, not yours. If you did everything right then be proud of yourself. Feel good about yourself because you did everything you could to make this work, it didn’t end because of you. Also, if you say you do not derved to be treated this way, then this separation is a good thing for you. You will find someone else who will treat you like you deserve. Keep looking, keep living, have patience and never give up hope, give it time =)
Hi Kyria, thanks for your comment. It really made my day =)
Hello! Thanks for your comment and for reading the article. =)
Hi Joyce, don’t worry if one of those tips does not fall in your list of thing you did or didn’t do. Every situation is different. Be proud of yourself because you are doing the rest of the things on the list. Besides if you are telling me he left without saying anything, it means you couldn’t really do more, since he left, it was his choice. I am glad you know that you need to focus on how much you have gained from the experience , because it’s always the biggest reward. We grow, we learn from these situations. Be sure that you have gained more than what you have lost. It’s all a matter of perspective =)
Thanka a lot for your comment, it means a lot.
Thanks for the advice it’s really usefull and true as well
Hi ! Thanks a lot for your words, they mean a lot to me. I am glad you liked it =)
Hi Dante, I am glad you responded to this post. I know how you feel. I know for sure that this pain will soon be over. Trust me. Right now it might seem it won’t, but it will. Even if you don’t end up with this person, you will eventually be happy and be ready to move on with your life. Please feel free to feel whatever you want to feel. Don’t feel bad for feeling this way, it will only overwhelm you. Give it time. Write down everything you feel, and then write down everything you SHOULD think, and repeat it every day. This will give you a boost of energy you will see. If you want to talk deeper about this topic I will be pleased =)
Hi Nelsi, thanks a lot!
I am moved by your testimony Dante, and that pain can be immense. The only way is through it, every step however small moves you onwards. Remeber you are a good person and deserve to be safe and happy, treat yourself with kindness.
Hi! Thanks for writing and sharing your story. I think there are a lot of key points on what you wrote and I am going to try to give you an advice for each of them. First of all I don’t think those years with him were “wasted”. You learned from him, you grew, you shared happiness, that’s not a waste. Even if the relationship in the end did not work out, you need to see those years as good memories and experiences. The fact that he is still living with you and you are helping him move out shows you have a really big heart and what you are doing shows you are a great person. I think in this case if he has made the decision you need to let him go, because that’s what he decided and that’s what he wants. If he needs his time and space it’s a good thing he told you before you got married. So please look at this as a positive thing! You will also have time to think things over, since it appears you are confused about certain things. I think this separation has come in a very good time, try to see it this way. Eventually when time has passed you will look at things differently. Trust me. Besides, nothing is permanent! You can always get back together =)
I was with my ex for 20 yrs when he ended our marriage, and we lived together for a few months whilst he tried to find somewhere, looking back it was the worst thing we did because the conflict is always there…maybe we will work it out, is thus really over, how will I cope. When he did move out it hurt like hell, and it was extremely difficult. But then the grieving process begins and eventually the acceptance. It will and does get better and at times you wonder if you will get through it, but you do and although you will miss everything initially, you will learn to manage to deal with things differently and with different people.
Isn’t it odd how you stumble upon items at significant times. This was just what I needed to read at this moment in time. I was feeling extremely hurt and vulnerable tonight as I have done randomly on and off for the past few months. I had a long and drawn out parting from my ex whom told extreme lies to both myself others and the woman he left me for and then returned to once I had asked him to leave my home last May. I have found moving on very hard, not because I miss or want him but of the fact I probably never really knew him in the first place.
(he told me he was single or as good as and moved into my home living with myself and my child for almost a year, yet his ex at the time knew nothing of me and thought they were on a break)
Lots of what is written makes sense and helps.
Thanks to all for sharing and thank you Ana for your article.
“Enjoy the sensation of knowing you did everything you could.”
This is the most important for me. Once I realized this, the pain and hurt of the breakup practically vanished.