“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer
I’ve always been judgmental. I will judge someone else’s buying habits, looks, grammar, or political beliefs and get some perverse pleasure in it. It’s very painful for me to admit that.
You see, I strive to be kind and compassionate toward myself and toward others. That’s why I have turned much of my personal development focus this year to letting go of judgments.
When I first started seeing a therapist, in college, we spent quite a bit of time talking about a particular family member of mine. After describing this person, my therapist said that it sounded like they may have had a superiority complex, and that all superiority complexes are built on top of inferiority complexes.
Now I look at myself and wonder: Is that what’s going on with me? Do I judge others negatively because I need to feel better about myself? Am I so insecure in my own place in this world that I have to build my own self-esteem on top of other people’s perceived shortcomings?
I don’t want to be that person.
It’s weird, because I’ve always felt I was put on the earth to help people. And I don’t feel judgment toward those that I help. I love them. So why is it so easy for me to judge strangers and friends of friends?
I know I have a long way to go, and I know I have to work on both letting go of my judgments toward others as well as toward myself.
This past week I tried something, and it made my heart feel light and my face feel happy: I made observations instead of judgments.
Let me give you an example.
I was out and about and I saw a woman with a baby. I also have a baby, for the record.
At first I noticed that I was making judgments about her based on her appearance and the way she spoke. It made me feel sad and, well, icky, inside.
But I stopped. I realized this was a perfect time to try doing something different.
So I took a mental step back and looked at her for the absolutely perfect human she was (and is).
I observed the way she looked with no attachment to it as right or wrong, good or bad.
I observed the way she spoke with no disdain or criticisms.
And I felt love. I felt peace. I felt wonderful.
This is how I want to live. This is how I want to feel.
You see, I know rationally that we are all these wonderful, gorgeous creatures of the universe. Sitting here at my desk typing, I am 100% sure of this. Yet, somehow, out in the world, I lose sight of this. I forget.
And it hurts me. Judging others makes my life worse, not better.
I am completely committed to shifting all of my thoughts away from judgment and toward kind, gentle, unattached observation. I know it’s going to take practice, but almost everything worth doing takes time and energy.
If you’d like to make the same shifts in your own life, I have a few suggestions based on my short time entering the No Judgment Zone.
First, you’ll have to admit that you judge others. It may be painful, as it was for me. It’s okay; acknowledging this is the only way to recover from it.
Next, decide that you want to actively give up judging others. You may do it more often than you’re even aware, and without a conscious effort, it will be difficult to avoid.
Now, start paying attention to how judging others feels in your body. If you’re like me, you’ll feel the corners of your mouth pulling down in sadness, and may feel a pit in your stomach. It’s good to know how your body feels so that you can start to identify when you’re judging others without even noticing.
It’s time now to practice the act of observing instead of judging. The next time you notice yourself judging someone else, do what I did: Stop, take a step back, and describe the situation with no inflection of tone that casts a negative light.
Instead of “Wow, now that’s an interesting outfit,” try “that woman is wearing leopard print pants with pink sparkly boots and a bedazzled tank top.”
Take the judgment out of it. Observe it. Find the beauty in the other person or situation.
Now you just have to practice. Over, and over, and over again. I am still very much in the early stages of becoming aware and observing instead of judging; this is not an overnight change!
To really make a permanent shift, stay away from places where others are judgmental for fun—websites that attack others for their beliefs or way of living, TV shows that humiliate, and friends on social media that love to make loud proclamations about others are some good places to start.
Now is a good time to mention that there will certainly be occasions when it is not judgment that I am experiencing, but discernment.
If I see someone being verbally abused by their partner, or someone harming an animal, or someone stealing, it is not the time to step back and just observe and try to find love and beauty. On those occasions, I hope that my good sense allows me to help in any way possible.
Above all, it’s about creating peace, both in my own mind, and for others as well.
I am sorry if I have ever judged you. I am sorry if someone judging you has ever hurt you. Together, let’s create a world where we are kind and compassionate to everyone we encounter.
Friends pointing and laughing image via Shutterstock
About Jen Picicci
Jen Picicci is an artist and writer living in the mountains of Western North Carolina. She creates colorful and uplifting abstract artwork, which is available on her website. She also teaches classes on painting, intuition, and mindfulness. To see her work, follow her on social media, or download her free Intro to Mindful and Intuitive Painting Guide, visit www.JenPicicci.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow, that’s a lovely post and very honest. I can totally relate and I believe a lot of people can. We all judge other people and society teaches us that that’s okay. I think society has some growing up to do.
But please be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself for judging
others because it all begins with grace. Grace for yourself while you
recognize your behavior. We all need grace because how can you do for others what you
don’t do for yourself? That’s an uphill climb and a vicious circle that’s difficult
to get out of.
And you know what? There’s an upside to judging. It makes our brains faster. When we judge, we compartmentalize what we see and our brain then only has to search inside that compartment to find similar situations and options for actions. So it’s a nifty feature that saved our lives countless times back in the days when we were still running around in bearskins.
Even knowing this I don’t think that that’s our excuse to just project our values on other people. We should be adult enough to stop and reconsider before we open our mouths. This is the kind of society I want to be a part of so I should act on my beliefs and be kind to people. Do as you would be done to ;D
Carolyne, you make some wonderful points. Society definitely contributes to our constant judging, that is for certain, and you’re so right about grace for oneself being an important part of the healing process. And I didn’t know the information about the brain compartmentalizing! Interesting!
Very insightful and a good reminder for all of us. Sharing!
Thanks, Elizabeth!
Mindfulness and awareness of our actions is so important. I love this post!
Thank you. I needed to hear this today. Recently I have become more aware of how judgmental I am and yes, it is a bit embarrassing to admit that but that is how we grow spiritually. My “excuse” is always that “they” are judging me. “They” are often family members, but right now “they” are the members of the ***** political party that I feel is trying to destroy the country and my life. I have found myself getting more and more nasty with these people and the worst part is that I enjoy putting them down and feeling superior. I know better than this and I know I can behave better than this!
I realize now that unless I have practiced non-judgment and am firmly centered in that it is best to avoid situations that would trigger this behavior. I often do go onto political websites with the intention of only expressing my point of view without being nasty but good intentions are not enough. I also tend to think that unless I am using outright nasty insults then it is okay to take a superior tone. We humans are very good at rationalizing our behavior and believing that we were just “nice but truthful” while we just decimated that person’s self-esteem.
But I will admit that there are also times when I am so angry that I go to these places to kick a**. After all I am “right” aren’t I? (s/k)
It comes down to the “Golden Rule”. If we can imagine that we would not want to be spoken to that way then we should not speak that way to others! And besides, we don’t have any monopoly on the truth.
But the good point in this article is that becoming non-judgmental doesn’t start with big things and it also doesn’t start with just holding your tongue or avoiding situations that bring out the worst in you. It starts with the little judgments that we think are harmless and okay.
Thanks again for this great article 😉
Loved this post. I am often guilty of being judgmental and I know it doesn’t feel good when I do it. One of the ways that I try to push through this is through compassion. I try to have compassion for that person, because I have no idea what kind of struggle that person is going through. Thank you for sharing this.
Kristi
This is a great post! Over the last several years I’ve noticed how being judgmental makes me cranky, negative and exhausted and have been making a conscious effort to stop. Still, sometimes it just mentally happens: “Why would someone wear that???” Your article gives great tips and highlights the importance of this issue. I think the sad thing is that like you said, I’m passionate about caring for the homeless and animals and I never judge those I care for… only the people dressed for a disco in the middle of the day. 😉 At any rate my never spoken judgments harm myself more than anyone and my thinking needs to be retrained.
I have often wondered if that feature of our brains that can be so useful in many ways also contributes to warfare and racism. When tribes of early man went about and encountered other tribes that they didn’t know it would have been foolish for them to simply trust them right off the bat. Perhaps we have a heightened sensitivity towards differences among people that helped keep us safe at one time. Unfortunately it is causing a lot of havoc now that the world has gotten so much smaller. Seven billion (and counting) people bumping egos with each other does not make for a peaceful world! Unless of course we change our ways.
Ha, yes, I totally understand what you’re saying. It really is a work in progress, but I guess that’s what life is for, right?
Yes, compassion, exactly. It’s hard to remember that we have no idea what else is going on in someone else’s world.
So glad!
Some great points here, Pixie5! I can completely relate to so much of what you said. Good luck in your journey!
I can only imagine the compartmentalizing does contribute to racism and warfare because where there’s an “us” there’s a “them”. And yes, it probably did keep us safe, even now only think about not opening your door to strangers (in certain situations of course). But I do believe if we are convinced of our ability to cope in any given situation, we can open any door. Only when we lose our confidence we’ll be prone to place a (negative but also positive) value on the differences we see in other people.
Great article Jen, thank you for your honest sharing. I too am judgmental. Some situations seem to trigger it off more than others. Politics… it’s like poison in my life. Because of my disability I cannot leave the house much, and don’t interact with many people. However, I found a very unexpected way to practice being less judgmental in a situation which basically incites our judgment. One day I was watching a ‘Real Housewives’ show, and all of a sudden instead of feeling judgment about the ‘histrionics’ of one of the women on the show, I found myself thinking ‘actually, this woman is going through something that would worry most mothers’ (it had to do with her child leaving home). I felt empathy for her. Now if I watch the show, I do not incredulously judge the women on it. I have in mind that these are real people with real feelings, who go through stuff just like the rest of us. So this is the unusual way I’ve found to practice being less judgmental – via watching reality tv.
We live in a judgmental world/society. Look at social media, and the latest trends, we are judged by how much money we have, how we look, where we are from, who we are dating, our lifestyle. It is insane. The only person we should be judging is ourselves. But that takes deep inner focus on the Self. And it is easy to get distracted with other things in life and in the world.
Thank you for such an insightful article.
Great article. Been thinking about this myself lately. I have a LOOOOOOONG way to go. As I was reading ““that woman is wearing leopard print pants with pink sparkly boots and a bedazzled tank top.”” I instantly thought: “What the heck was she thinking!? I would never…” and then it got me thinking about someone I saw the other day in a similar fashion. How embarrassing. Never realized I was THAT bad. Did not make me feel good at all. Still trying to figure out how to observe without my little rude inside voice.
Thanks Jen! I too judge constantly as a way to find shortcomings in others that i feel people are constantly judging me on. It doesn’t make it right it just makes you more paranoid of judgment from others when you judge others. I am saving your article so that I can learn to be an observer instead of a Judge Judy. Thanks again for your insight! Much apperciated!
Yes! Great thought about empathy. That really does help with a judgmental mindset, doesn’t it?
My pleasure, and good luck on your journey!
I know that for me it’s a constant work in progress. It’s so, so easy to fall back into the way I’ve always been.
It’s so true! The internet has made judging much, much worse, I think. But then, of course, there are places to grow as well (like this website!). It’s so easy to get pulled into all the negativity sometimes, though. Thanks for your comment!
Nice realisations – remember to be kind to yourself. Your thoughts are not YOU. They just appear. You don’t control your thinking because you don’t know what your next thought will be. And try really, really hard NOT to think of a pink elephant now. What happens?
So what needs to happen isn’t for you to restrain or try to ‘stop your thinking’, just notice the thoughts and realise they’re not you and don’t matter. Sometimes you will laugh at them like you might do at a child who is misbehaving slightly.
Your mind is a thinking machine and a judging machine. It’s designed to generate stories about your reality. So don’t be disheartened when you think, judge and generate stories. However, instead of buying into the stories the mind comes up with 100% of the time, you could buy into very little of them instead. That’s where you have the ‘control’, so to speak.
The fact you are noticing so much about your thinking means you are on the right track by far. What I’m suggesting here is, instead of focusing on stopping thought, focus on not taking thought seriously. Notice the thought, notice it’s not you, notice it’s just a judgement. No need to try to stop it from happening again. (The irony is that will actually happen automatically.) Can you see the difference? Is that a distinction that could be useful to you?
Also if you could 100% stop judging things you would lose your humanity. The key is to realize you are judging and imposing stuff onto reality, rather than actually perceiving reality “as-is”.
Amazing article! :D. I live in a place full of judgemental people, and it really frustrates me. And when I was judged, I realized how painful it is, and it made me more sensitive towards it. I see people making fun of others for reasons beyond their control, I don’t enjoy such humor, but people just don’t get it, they think I’m serious all the time! I don’t know how to tell people in a friendly way that making fun of the way a person walks or talks is not cool!
You had me at “I’ve always been judgmental”. Your acknowledgment of that trait and willingness to share it has allowed me to see that trait in myself and encouraged me to begin my own path to recovery. All without judging myself for being judgmental. Thank you!
This article helps me to see how a judgmental person feels from within and thereby illustrates a clearer reason to practice compassion towards them and not dislike their judgmental nature.
Jen dear,
Wonderful article and certainly one that everyone should read and take to heart. If I might add one thing to your already perfect outlook regarding judgementation (and I’;m not being judgemental here) and that I have found in my travels, that when I am working on a particular “part of myself,” I like to write things down, if at all possible, however, I have found that in today’s modern technology, it is almost impossible to go pen less, as cells are great ways to jot things down in memo sections, or anywhere) and I reflect back, in much more detail at a later time, like at home. I am a constant writer, in a journal, and I find that from time too time when I go back and re-read my thoughts, actions, emotions and feelings for any particular situation, it is greatly beneficial for me to compare notes , if you will, and then to see the progress, but, most importantly, is something that I FEEL is key to this change and turn-around with in ourselves, and that is to recognize, to own up to, to acknowledge that WE are, and exactly WHEN we are being judgemental is! Catch it inthe midst of it happening, become aware of what you are thinking, what caused it, ie. could it be something that we see in that other person that we see within ourselves that we don’t like, and so on. I believe that in order to solve ANY situation, we must FIRST be able to identify the problem before we can remedy any solution. My motto is: stop, take a step back, take a breath, or two(fresh oxygen to the brain can do wonders for a soul), think about the problem, consider and weigh any and all options, derive a solution, then follow through making the best and most intelligent decision available! That’s my story, and i’m stickin’ to it! Thanx for your time.
You, again, are absolutely correct a mundo! Sympathy and particularly Apathy can, and are most times, deadly!! Both of which seemingly, run amuck in our society. We seem to be so caught up in ourselves that we seldom consider others feelings and just what THEY might be going through, hence, for me at least, this is where my judgementality and expectations come into play. Even a buddha will admit that they also are judgemental and set expectations upon others! The difference with them, and something that I am trying to become better at, is catching myself in the act, so to speak, and addressing it THEN, not later, not just making a mental note and continuing on doing it. And I find that over a course of time, I get better and better at recognizing it almost BEFORE it happens. Practice does make (well almost) perfect!
Well, you certainly hammered that perverbial nail right on its nasty head now, didn’t ya???Great analogy!
For me, life is a progression of hits and near misses. I strive (literally) each day to become just a bit better and stronger then the day before. A better man, husband, father, friend, co-worker, family member, spouse, in nutshell, a better human being!!! Gandhi once said, “be the change you wish to see in the world!” Couldn’t have said it ANY better, as I am going to be that change that I wish to see in this world!! Thanx
I have a theory regarding “your thoughts aren’t you,” and it goes something like this! I always say that the statement of “you are what you eat” is, if one believes that to be true, then by the same token, we are by what we put into our minds as well! If i continually read crap, grocery store tabloids, fictional books, and general jibberish, well, what can I expect my clarity for life to be? I believe that if I want something different, then, I need to do something different. That being said,by infusing my mind with relevant material, I will in fact, over a course of time and material consumed, then begin to change my thought pattern, and through the law of repetition, I then begin to form more positive results! I can’t control my thoughts on any given situation, however, I can control my actions and re-actions to those situations.
Why am I always (seemingly) two or three days late in these relevant conversations?? Am I missing something here? I am relatively new to Disqus and if anyone out there can give me some insight to a more timely involvement, I would greatly appreciate their thoughts! Thanx
Thank you Jen. Knowing I am not the only one working on this is a good feeling. And even better to have support.
Yes, I agree with you on wondering ‘what a person would have undergone in the past/going through now to act like that’. Certainly that stops us jumping to judgements. Thank you!
Hi jen please tell me how to see the good in the human race.
I am tired of being a witnnes to females being drivens by hormones to reproduce and men showing of how much bananas they have gathered by feeding of others.
i dont like a lion eating a gazelle but accept it is nature, but a race that is voyeuristic and has sadisme in its genes as a possible reward system….
there was this young asian guy at a videostore and openly said he thought it was funny when on the tvscreen there was babyelephant slowly being torn to pieces by a group of wilddogs.
i should have ended him on the spot.
now please tell me how to come to peace with this species…. please… humans scare me
the ying cannot exist without the yang is not gonna do it for me…
It sucks that we’re living in a society where everyone is the subject of ridicule. To me, it’s not fair, and it’s NOT right. No one should have to feel uncomfortable for being different. Based on my personal experience, as my observations, it doesn’t feel good to be judged.
Three months ago, a Black woman accused me of being rude towards her sister, since she’s dark skinned. I couldn’t help but find her behavior extremely comical. I know I’m not racist towards my own skin color, and this evil witch doesn’t know anything about me. She demanded to know my name, and I refused to give it her. I explained that pulling the race card stunt wasn’t necessary, and threatened to contact metro police if she continued to keep running her mouth. I couldn’t stand her hostile attitude. She’s not the kind of person I would associate myself with, due to her so-called sanctimonious ways. Who wants to be around someone who has a negative attitude, and pulls out the race card stunt when life doesn’t go their way? I was being judged based on discriminating the same ethnic background. All I could is roll my eyes, and laugh. Hopefully, we’ll NEVER cross paths again.
Thank you, Jen, for sharing your story.
I am constantly judging people, and I don’t like it. I can’t tell you how many times in the middle of a judging statement in my head I stop and say “Swayze…what are you doing? why is this bothering you.”
My example is a co-worker. He works in a different department, but its a small company so we still see each other every day. At lunch he walks right past my desk and doesn’t say a work, but instead proceeds to the next section of the office and invites all of them to come join him for lunch. I then judge him for being rude and not including everyone. I let my ego kick in and enjoy feeling sad for being left out and ignored. That’s when I stop myself. I don’t WANT to feel sad. But in order to make myself not feel sad there are several things I have to do:
1. realize I’m making myself feel sad. I do not know that this guy is ignoring me on purpose or trying to be rude.
2. know that I am judging him on something that I find offensive. ME. this is my judgment of his action. This may not be offensive to anyone else. But it is something that I don’t like so therefore I am putting it as a negative on him. When really its on ME.
3. Stop assuming – realize that I don’t know all of the circumstances. maybe hes only going to invite one person down the hall, a good friend of his. but b/c there are a lot of people down there, where as I sit alone, than it sounds like he is inviting them all. I do not know what is going on in his head when I do this, I should not assume anything.
All of this is easier said than done. and even if I stop making myself sad, stop judging, and stop assuming, I am still observing these things happen. Watching these things happen you automatically start to judge what they mean. even if not in a negative way.
But this article above creates a good suggestion – observe it for the beauty of it. instead of finding the negative, find the positive. We are all observing situations on a daily task. So actively observe it in a positive way and you will not longer judge in a negative way.
For instance, with my co-worker, I am going to observe his friendship with the other employees. I am going to notice how he so eagerly wants to have people eat lunch with him and how much of a people person he is. I will notice that he is being friendly and welcoming to others. FIND THE POSITIVE.