“The most positive action we can take about the past is to change our perception of it.” ~Deepak Chopra
Death didn’t happen quickly like in the movies.
A compassionate nurse set the tone and gently guided us through the ordeal. Mom, Dad, my other brother, and I spread out so that one of us held each of Chris’ hands and feet with a person at his head. Time passed in slow motion.
In horror, I watched for more than an hour as his breathing abated, with the pauses in between his raspy, strained breaths becoming longer and longer. I fervently sent him love and light and wished him peace as I watched the scene unfold through my tears.
Chris’ lips were chapped and cracked from breathing oxygen through a mask for weeks. A piece of skin on his upper lip fluttered with each breath, but in the prolonged pauses between breaths, it lay still. Each time the skin went inert, I thought, “This is it.”
But he would take another shallow breath one more time until the flap was frozen and his chest motionless forever. Putting a stethoscope over his heart, the nurse said, “It’s awfully quiet in there.”
It was New Year’s Eve 1995. After two years of rapidly declining health, Chris, my brother with the wicked sense of humor, flawless taste, and the ability to make me believe he was invincible, succumbed to AIDs at the age of thirty-three.
In the years following his death, I numbly went on with my life, like I was supposed to, like I had to. Being the mother of two beautiful, energetic young boys, there was plenty to be happy about and thankful for, but I only grew more depressed as the gruesome scenes of Chris’ sickness and death played on an endless loop in my head.
As time passed, Chris became a distant memory, like a book I knew I’d read once but couldn’t quite recall. I knew how the story ended, but the details were blurred behind a cloud of hurt.
Over the years, the highlights reel of the ugliness from my eighteen-year marriage and divorce got equal mental airtime along with the drama from a subsequent tumultuous three-year relationship.
Eleven years after that New Year’s Eve in the hospital, I found myself a depressed, divorced, single mother with no idea who I was or why I was here.
I couldn’t find anything resembling the strong, smart, feisty sister Chris had loved. In a pill-popping stunt, I tried to commit suicide, which only made things worse—much worse—resulting in a serious brain injury and losing custody of my boys.
While healing from the suicide attempt, I realized that I had been torturing myself with the painful memories. I was doing it to myself! While this point may be apparent to some, it was a huge “aha” for me, and I also realized that if I was doing it, I could stop it.
Yes, Chris died and went through a horrible illness. Yes, there were many messy times from my marriage, and hurts from the following relationship. All of it really did happen—no denying that—but I was the one keeping the pain alive and bringing it into the present.
It really boiled down to making the decision not to do this to myself anymore.
Because of neuroplasticity, the scientifically proven ability of our brains to change form and function based on repeated behaviors, emotions, and thoughts, the more I dwelled on the sad memories, the more I reinforced them.
“Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This saying, from the work of Donald Hebb, means that synapses, the connections between neurons, get more sensitive and new neurons grow when activated repeatedly together.
Our brains also add a subjective tint to our memories by subconsciously factoring in who you are and what you believe and feel at the time of the recollection. The act of remembering changes a memory. So, as I became more depressed and hopeless, the memories became darker.
But the good news is that the reverse is also true. Neural connections that are relatively inactive wither away, and a person can consciously influence the process in a positive, healthier way. I made the memories stronger and more painful, and I could make them weaker and more loving.
Through mindfulness and meditation, I learned to become aware of and take control of my thoughts and mind. By realizing my subconscious influences and consciously choosing which ones I allowed to have impact and intentionally inserting new ones, I changed my past.
Not literally, of course. But by pairing more positive thoughts and emotions with negative memories and feelings and modifying my perspective about past events, I changed their role in my present, which, in turn, altered my brain and life for the better.
The goal is not to resist painful memories or experiences and grasp at or try to force positive ones instead. That’s almost impossible and leads to its own kind of suffering.
In his book, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, Rick Hanson writes:
To gradually replace negative implicit memories with positive ones, just make the positive aspects prominent and relatively intense in the foreground of your awareness while simultaneously placing the negative material in the background….
Because of all the ways your brain changes its structure, your experience matters beyond its momentary, subjective impact. It makes enduring changes in the physical tissues of your brain which affect your well-being, functioning and relationships.
If your head is filled with painful memories of the past, I want you to know that you can change this! I did.
I certainly still remember Chris’ tragic illness and death, but I choose to focus on the times we laughed so hard that we got the “gigglesnorts.” I prefer to see him on the dance floor working up a sweat. I recall how much he loved me and that adored feeling I had when I was with him.
I even view his death differently now. Instead of feeling the horror and shock of that night, I can now feel the love and support for him and one another in that hospital room.
In any life, past and present, there’s always going to be pain, joy, and everything in between. Your experience of your life and your brain are shaped by what you choose to focus on. You can torture yourself with the past or choose better feeling thoughts and memories.
It really is that simple. Simple, but not easy.
About Debbie Hampton
On her blog, The Best Brain Possible, Debbie talks about how she recovered from depression, a suicide attempt, and resulting brain injury to rebuild her brain and life to find joy and tells you how to do the same. Connect on Facebook and look for her upcoming memoir, Sex, Suicide and Serotonin. If you're an interested agent, please contact her.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is very true. One can inadvertently choose to keep the pain alive. I mourned a mentally ill mother for a decade after her death. I only felt extreme sorrow when I thought of her. The tragedy of her life and sorrow was something I held on to for far too long and the neural pathways got dug deeper and deeper. She came to me in a dream about eight years after her death. She was young and happy and smiling. The next day listening to George Noory and Coast to Coast AM he had a guest who was a consultant for Ghost Whisperer and someone called in with a similar dream of a lost loved one. The woman said they were just letting you know they are OK when they come in dreams like that. No words, just smiling and in the form they see themselves as. Synchronous, no? Either way it brought some relief and closure and I made the mental decision to not wallow in the pain any longer and finally started to change my perception. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you continual healing and love!
Thank you for your kind words, Christine, and for sharing your experience. I am so glad you figured this out and healed. My brother also came to me in a dream shortly after his death, but I was too distraught at that time to find any solace in it.
After my suicide attempt when healing from the brain injury, he was an ever present energy and guided me through recovering, I feel. Now, I don’t sense him around anymore. I like to think that I helped him when he was sick and needed it, and he was here for me when I needed it.
Not dwelling on the pain and even using the experiences to learn, grow, and find happiness have turned my life around! I want others to know that they can do this too. All the best to you! 🙂
My younger brother died mysteriously when he was 20 and I was 30, so I can empathise with what you went through. As far as making the kinds of changes you mentioned in your thought process, for most people this is very difficult. Congradulations! Just consciously making a decision to change is only a beginning. To really affect sustainable change, one needs to bypass the gatekeeper to the subconscious, where long term memory is stored and that strongly influences the conscious mind. The subconscious keeps us alive is a strongly conservative force. Breaking through to make changes on this level can be done by meditation, as you have done, or by entering a similar state by self-hypnosis.
This was very interesting and I’m so sorry for your loss. I always say traumatic experiences are like tornadoes. Once they’re over, the trees and buildings don’t stand back up again on their own. The damage is done and it takes work to repair it. I’m a work in progress.
I like your tornado analogy. It does take work to rebuild everything destroyed, but on the upside you get the chance to do it all differently which is not a bad thing at all. There are plenty of times when I sure would like to have my brother still in my life. He would have made such a great little old man! 🙂 But, it is as it is. I am thankful to have had him at all however briefly. Best wishes to you!
Don, thanks for sharing your experience. I think, eventually, everyone loses someone close and can relate. Death is just part of the human experience and part of life.
I hear you about change. It IS hard, but it IS possible. Because pf neuroplasticity, anyone who is determined, persistent, and dedicated can make lasting change and enlist their brain to help make them permanently even on a subconscious level. I think, in my case, the brain injury actually helped here because it wiped out all of the old neural pathways and negative patterns. I had to start fresh, and I got it right this time! 🙂
Don, thanks for sharing your experience. I think, eventually, everyone loses someone close and can relate. When we are younger and it happens close, like you and I were, I think it takes us by surprise and shocks us. It can either make us more mature and wiser or send us in a spiral. I did the later. Death is just part of the human experience and part of life. When I accepted this, it made a lot more sense and eased the pain.
I hear you about change. It IS hard, but it IS possible. Because pf neuroplasticity, anyone who is determined, persistent, and dedicated can make lasting change and enlist their brain to help make them permanently even on a subconscious level. I think, in my case, the brain injury actually helped here because it wiped out all of the old neural pathways and negative patterns. I had to start fresh, and I got it right this time! 🙂
This is a very important topic in personal growth, and something I have written about recently as well.
As a small addition, Morty Lefkoe, author of the best-seller Re-Create Your Life, teaches a process that can be used to reinterpret past events in a simple way:
1)Identify the undesirable pattern
2) Name the underlying belief
3) Identify the source of the belief in memory, including as much sensory detail as possible
4) Describe possible alternate interpretations of the memory
5) Realize that your original belief is an interpretation, not reality
6) Consciously choose to reject the original belief as “false”
7) Consciously choose to accept your reinterpretation as “true”
Both interpretations are valid. Your reality will be defined by the one you choose to accept. Your choice.
Tiny Buddha has such awesome posts!
Oh my God, Debbie, I am so touched by your story and so grateful for your healing. I totally get this power of this change in mind and memory. It helped me with a very traumatic event twenties years later… when it came back to haunt me. Thank you for your courage to share such an intimate part of your life. My condolences about your brother, Chris, clearly he meant a lot to you <3
Hi Debbie – really enjoyed this post and the beautiful story of how your recollection of the past has changed from sadness to love. Thank you for writing an important post about how to let go of the past and move on with our lives by focusing on the more positive aspects of the past. the passage from Buddha’s Brain was helpful. I’ve tried to let go of my past in my life but never thought of keeping the positive memories alive. Most of the vivid memories of my past have to do with heartache and sadness but they were also filled with joy and good times. I never focused on those – I’ve been trying to forget it all but this tip here is much appreciated and one I plan to use when the past comes up again.
Thank you Debbie for sharing your story. Every time I read someone else’s story it reminds me how trivial and petty the things I worry about. Tragedy happens and will continue to happen to us but we can fall apart with them or we can move on become stronger and encourage others with our stories like people like you have done. My grandmother famous saying was “You cannot have a testimony with being through a test” You have gone through and come out with a story and that story can and will help others.
Thanks very much for sharing.
Rose, thank you for your kind words. I haven’t heard that quote before. I like it. So true too! I don’t really even think of these things as “tests” anymore. I think of them as part of life. (Shows you how far I’ve come!) Events that I find challenging aren’t necessarily “bad.” It’s my thinking and reaction to them that make them so or not. To me, tests are to be expected, part of being alive, and always always have good and meaning. It is up to me to find it. Blessings to you.
Vishnu! You found me. Remember when you had a post on here, and I asked you how you did it? 🙂 Thanks for telling me!
I think the thing that works about this technique from Hanson is that you don’t HAVE to try to forget the bad memories or deny your feelings. You remember the the sad, but pair it with good. It actually changes your brain…and the past and future! I encourage you to practice it diligently. It works! 🙂
Shannon, thank you for your kind message. I am glad that you totally get the concept – it only took me 40 some years! (better late than never, huh?) – because it’s powerful, life changing stuff. Tools like this allowed me to move from being a victim of life to feeling empowered.
I firmly believe that my energy will reunite with Chris’ one day. And, I have discovered that loving and getting in touch with my own heart puts me in touch with the feeling of him. (That’s for another article) 🙂 Blessings to you.
Yes…what a coincidence. I do not read every single post twice a day here on Tiny Buddha lol completely random that I found your post, Debbie. haha I’m here quite a bit and so glad to have come across your post. I learn so much from your insights and writing. You’ve walked the walk:)
Giovanni, I’ve not heard of Re-Create Your Life. (I’m kind of an introvert, yoga, cat lady!) I will check it out. We really do create our own realities because of our differing brains (check out my post: http://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/my-reality-is-not-your-reality-2/) and by what we believe. This can be a conscious choice or as it was for me, unconscious. Life gets ugly when plowing through unconsciously.I am so glad I woke up. It’s glorious this way…good and bad. 🙂 All the best to you.
Glad you read this one! And I learn from you. Isn’t that what it’s all about? 🙂
Losing a sibling can be so difficult. I lost my sister a little over 8 years ago. It has been a long journey recovering from not only the loss, but recovering from the pain I inflicted upon myself with alcohol and other negative things in my life. I’m glad you were able to turn things around. You are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you well.
Debbie, I tried to read your article but its giving 404 error…
Not good! Wonder why. Trying again…http://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/my-reality-is-not-your-reality-2/
Wonderful post Debbie. I had lost a dear friend and initially, I could only think about how he died. Later, I began to focus on the amazing moments we had all shared with him and I continue to do that till today. It has made all the difference.
Thanks for sharing.
Very nice post. My wife left me and my son suddenly 3 years back. Even though she is just around 10 miles away from my home, I can’t see her, as she does not let me and my son in. I was shocked that for the normal misunderstandings of a family life, she has taken such a drastic step. I went through lot of pain and still going through. I love my wife so much. It is very difficult to forget past too. So instead of thinking of “why” all this happened, I started thinking only of the “good days” we had and feeling positive. I hope someday she will come back to me.
Now it works, thank you!
I am sorry to hear of your pain. I think that you’re interpreting the exercise to change painful memories a little incorrectly. The point is not to “think only of the good days.” As I said in the article, that is avoiding and struggling with the painful stuff which makes its own misery. The point is to remember and feel “the bad” but pair those memories with good. So that your entire outlook doesn’t become dark and negatively skewed. I would encourage you to put your energy into positively building your life and yourself. You can’t control her. All you can control is you. Start there.
Peter, I’m glad to hear that you discovered how to do this to change your feelings about your friend’s passing. In retrospect after healing, I realized that IO wasn’t honoring my brother at all by holding onto the bad stuff. He would want me to be happy.
Jessica, I’m sorry to hear that you’re a member of the club, but I guess we all are sooner or later. When I realized and really accepted death as part of life, things got easier.
I’m glad you stopped torturing yourself as well. I realized that I wasn’t honoring my brother at all by holding onto the bad stuff and torturing myself. He would want me to be happy. Your sisster wants you to be too. Blessings to you.
Thank you Debbie for sharing your story! I needed to read this at this time. I’m 52 and continue to feel the trauma of my father’s cancer and death around Christmas when I was 14, my mom’s Alzheimers disease for 10 yrs and death in 2001, and my only brother’s heart attack in 1999 and me having to give the order to remove him from life support as he had no brain activity. I feel like all of these traumas continue to haunt me and cast a sadness on everything. I have been in counseling and have found mindfulness training. My goals is to dwell on the joyful memories that I had with my family and not the sorrow.
Thanks a lot Debbie for your encouraging words. This website was giving me all the courage to deal with my situation. I will definitely try to change the way I am dealing with. You are right, all I can control is myself. Thank you!
“Because of neuroplasticity, the scientifically proven ability of our
brains to change form and function based on repeated behaviors,
emotions, and thoughts, the more I dwelled on the sad memories, the more
I reinforced them. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This saying, from the work of Donald Hebb,means that synapses, the connections between neurons, get more sensitive and new neurons grow when activated repeatedly together.” Thank you so much for sharing that INSIGHT & sharing your story…. Glad to hear that you are in a better place now! 🙂
Thanks Debbie for sharing your feelings on your loss. I recognize your pain, and appreciate your realization of the damage you were inflicting on yourself.
Shanker, thank you for your kind words! 🙂
I find neuroplasticity so empowering. It’s the superpower we all have. Because of it, we have the power to change our brains and lives. I want every one to know that they can do it too!
Laura, you have certainly had more than your share of trauma. I think, even when you are strong one trauma piled on after another like you’ve had (and I did too) just wears you down. I’m glad you have found mindfulness. I find just being conscious of my thoughts so helpful instead of being a victim to them.
I too had to make the decision to not put Chris on life support. Even though it was in accordance with his wishes, I had terrible guilt around this. I felt like I had let him die…after busting my butt to keep him alive for the past two years. It went against every cell of my body. I have come to terms with it more, but it still bugs me some. Working on it still.
Are you in NC? (your name) I am in Greensboro. Blessings to you.
Good for you. Take it slow and be kind to yourself. One day at a time. Baby steps. Even an inch is progress.
Great article. I’m kind of having an opposite moment. I though my parents loved & appreciated what I did for them, but since their deaths, it seems anything but. It seems that death of a loved one reveals more pain as well as the greed of others.
Your article gives me hope that I’ll one day over come it. Thank you.
Debbie, thanks for your openness. A good friend of mine from work passed away last year. We have never met. It was the most surreal feeling of loss I have ever been in. It wasn’t visible. It wasn’t in front of me. Yet loss is invisible. When the hurt is done, the wound needs time to heal. I came to terms with it after reaching out to his family. But loss has taught me a lot about loss itself. All the best.