“Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.” ~Unknown
A long time ago now, but once I was in a relationship that was full of great passion and hot desire, but it was also addictive, distracting, and destructive.
When I noticed that it was ultimately bad for me, I knew I had to “get out.” So, I went cold turkey, as they say, and broke up, thinking I would be able to handle it.
Unfortunately, it was much harder than I thought it would be. Every morning I woke up and found myself in the midst of some sort of insanity; my mind and body were filled with thoughts about him.
My mind just wouldn’t stop racing about all that had happened, what I could have said differently, what I could have done differently, what could have happened differently. I lived with this for months and it was a daily dose of hell.
It was at this time, however, that I enrolled to study as a hypnotherapist. When you train to become a therapist, you learn to treat different conditions.
Usually, we had our teacher describing and explaining a therapeutic technique, and then he demonstrated the technique on one of us, which was followed by each of us practicing on each other.
(By the time we had finished the degree, we cured all of each other’s phobias and bad habits, until none was left. This was quite a journey of self-development!)
Soon the day came when the topic was “Suggested Amnesia,” a technique to “erase” unwanted memories. I volunteered immediately, ready to let go of all it all.
The experience was nothing like you would imagine as some cold-war brainwash type of hypnosis.
During the whole procedure, I didn’t lose any of my awareness. At the end, I didn’t lose any of my factual memories, either. But the memory of my tormenting relationship, previously so eminently on my mind, became a dim and vague residue memory as a result of the procedure.
The amnesia worked on the emotional level. The edge of my thinking, which made my life so hellish, was gone. Actually, it taught my brain to fall out of love!
The scientifically interesting background of this experience is about the nature of memory. Since the age of information technology, we tend to think of memory as a kind of data in our brain, which is either stored (remembered) or not (forgotten).
Information is stored in our brain like on a computer, which can be kept on file or erased. Interestingly enough, however, newest psychological experiments show that the analogy for memory as a data bank is not quite accurate.
Memory is not a piece of information from the past simply stored in our brain. Rather, all past events have created imprints on our mind, but those imprints are not static. Our mind constantly works with them and constantly changes memories as its current thinking changes.
Memory is formable. You can change past memories by changing your present state of mind.
How is this possible? Memories are formed as neurological connections in the brain: a certain sequence of connections is fired when the event is happening and later recalled.
The same happens during imagination. When you close your eyes and visualize whatever you want, you’re actually creating new neurological pathways. This means that memory and imagination are created on the same neurological level and therefore one can override the other.
You can try a little experiment. Close your eyes for a minute and think of a person you had a bad experience with.
With your eyes shut, recall the memory of that negative experience. Make it as real as you can: see it like a colorful movie on your mind. See what you saw, hear what you heard, feel what you felt at that time.
Don’t make it too long, just long enough that you can open your eyes and notice the negative feeling coming up with the memory.
After that, close your eyes again. Bring back the last scene of the same movie on your mind, but this time turn the colors black and white, play it backward, and start to shrink the size of the whole picture, until it’s nothing but a tiny dot that disappears into the vast blackness behind your eyelids. Gone.
After that, start to make a new movie, completely out of your imagination, in which the same situation with the same person has a positive outcome.
Maybe the person says something different, or you do, as long as at the end you can see the “enemy” person smiling at you, shaking hands, perhaps even giving you a hug (if that’s within your comfort zone).
After you have effectively created the movie, open your eyes and observe how you feel. You should feel less negative toward this person, neutral, or perhaps even positive.
The difference between your emotions following the first (memory) and the second movie (imagination) is due to new neurological pathways you have created in your mind.
After my experience at the hypnotherapy course, my whole obsession with being “in love” completely changed.
I no longer had those morning thoughts that had previously tormented me for hours after awakening. I no longer had those memories flushing into my life seemingly out of control.
It is sobering to think how much of what is happening to us is actually a product of our own mind. How often do we say, “Oh, I can’t help it … I’m like this … I’m like that,” while it is our own mind that is responsible for our emotional reactions—whether we are conscious of that or not.
I felt great relief. For a moment, I also felt disillusionment. My story was about a broken relationship, but what about good relationships?
“Programming” our minds to fall in and out of love, would that not deprive relationships of all poetry and beauty? Are those happy, loving, and promising relationships also nothing more than connections in our brain?
Of course not, I reminded myself. True love is not generated by our brain; it is a matter of our heart. Luckily, no amount of research, science, and therapy will ever change that.
Woman in pain image via Shutterstock
About Viktoria G. Duda
Viktória G Duda, Ph.D. is a writer, hypnotherapist, and consciousness researcher—but first and foremost an ardent student of human nature, who has widely traveled both the outer and the inner worlds to find meaning. To learn more about her work, please visit her website viktoriaduda.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
It’s like this article was written for me. But, it was written for humankind, who are always searching for what ‘love’ really is. It’s seems like, the closer we get to someone, the more we feel connected, but it’s so difficult to maintain that connection. Maybe because it’s so difficult for us to maintain connection with ourselves to begin with.
I knew when I subscribed to Tiny Buddha, I was doing the right thing. There’s not one newsletter that I get that doesn’t make me realize, “yes,” or “aha,” that’s why.
I personally never want to stop loving my partner. Even if we aren’t together in the future, I will always love him. And I am grateful for that love.
I think that love is a beautiful thing. I was in love with someone. It wasn’t good for me, I realized this much later. I cut this person out of my life and it wasn’t easy. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but in the end it made me stronger than ever. During the process of the break up, I woke up feeling depressed and lost. I felt like this because when you are in love with someone, you both become one. When you leave… you are lost… you have to find yourself. This is not how it is for everyone, but I know some people can relate. If you go through a bad breakup, you are full of negative emotions. You have to heal. Than, you can look back and see the positives you can take from the relationship. I am no longer in love with this person, but I still have love for him. I wish him the best. I don’t have negative feelings for anyone. I believe every human being has good qualities and bad, including me. Not all memories will be positive, but I am okay with that. Life is about good and bad, a balance.
Hi, Viktoria I am so happy to read this article. This is the same phase i am going through. Our past life is unforgotten part of life. May be with time we reduce its intensity. Memories are connected with our emotions specially in love moments are tied up with love, affection, intimacy and possession. I want to separate my memories with past emotion. So, do we have hypnotherapy courses in India I will love to enroll.
I can relate and have been going through a very similar process. I loved someone deeply, realized it was not a good relationship, broke everything off, and have been working on letting go. I have learned a lot from that relationship about myself and things that can make me better. I have also apologized, probably too much, for the mistakes and things I did wrong. Letting go is the hardest thing for me, but it is getting better the further away I get from the relationship. There is a lot that I gained out of this past relationship that has made me a stronger person, and for that I am thankful for the relationship and the lessons it taught me.
Great piece! especially the end — as I was wondering the same thing about what is love if it can be erased so easily. And you confirmed the idea that addiction is of the brain while love is a whole different ballgame — although we tend to confuse the two.
Robert G. Smith’s “Faster EFT” has been life changing for me. I highly recommend checking it out to anyone. Very much in line with this post: it’s a combination of hypnosis, EFT, NLP, and a few others. “HealingMagic” is the YouTube channel where you can watch for free. The end result is the same.
“Monsters and Magical Sticks: There’s No Such Thing as Hypnosis?” is
an excellent book and I highly recommend reading it for anyone
interested.
I’m working on becoming a practitioner because I would love to share this with other people. For the time being though, I’m using it on myself and helping other people out for free if I happen to find anyone struggling with something, and they’re willing to give it a try.
He has a saying, “Memories buried alive never die.” If I’ve learned anything it’s how true that statement is. If we don’t go to the painful memories and learn how to let them go and change them, they’ll run our lives for us.
I can definitely relate to the “daily dose of hell.” I’ve been single my whole life, and after being rejected by a girl I’ve been good friends with for 10 years a couple months ago, my mind just shut down. I’ve been more isolated than ever, a lot of my issues just started exploding and it’s been very hard to keep it together now that she isn’t in my life anymore and I have nothing to distract me from all my painful memories and emotions.
I still haven’t figured out how to change the memories of her into a positive. The memories were mostly positive anyway but were tainted with the pain of never having been with her and finding out she never would be, even for a little while. And the idea that I’m never going to be with a girl I’m in love with and am going to be alone for the rest of my life isn’t a memory, but just a feeling that I can’t seem to shake.
But…
With Faster EFT I’ve been addressing that problem like this: asking myself, “How do I know I have this problem?” This gives insight into the subconscious mind — all the aspects and angles that we’re producing the problem from.
I feel like my heart is collapsing — this feeling of being completely alone — nobody wants me, I don’t want me, etc.
All of a sudden, I have memories popping up that are seemingly unrelated to this girl I was in love with. So I don’t know if I have to deal with the memories of her just yet. Maybe I’ll figure that out after I clear the other stuff up. Because get this:
Being picked on growing up, beaten up, made fun of, belittled, yelled at and abused by my parents, being a little kid and feeling completely unwanted and unloved, like my parents didn’t even care that I existed. Being excluded from everyone else and spending so much time alone.
So I started out all upset about this girl. Feeling just horrible for what felt like an eternity. But as I asked myself, “How do I know I have the problem?” I just knew because I had the sensation in my body. As I dove into that sensation, my mind started giving me things I didn’t even think had anything to do with this girl and my pain about her.
When you hit water, you know you’re on the right path. I felt like I was so broken up about being rejected by her, and I was. But I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I asked myself how I knew I was so upset — and all I could come up with was that feeling of my heart collapsing. But all of a sudden as I’m tapping on myself, and that feeling of my heart collapsing, a memory comes back of kids throwing rocks at me and chasing me away and me running away and crying, my parents telling me that I was a devil child and that I made their life a living hell, etc.
Some people get over rejections and breakups pretty quickly. Others don’t. That’s because we all have different internal references and resources — memories and emotions that form internal beliefs.
Change the memories and emotions and our old beliefs collapse, and we can form new ones. When our beliefs change, our entire world changes.
The power of the mind is scary indeed… I think that people are meant to grow together, and that without that work, they will inevitably grow apart. Particularly if they’re parents, because we lose so much of our individual identity while we raise our kids together, that we seem to not realize that we continue to grow as individual people the entire time also. I sincerely hope to love my husband as long as we both live, because I make effort to meet him halfway and be his equal in every step of life’s journey.
My love life has always been hard as I have always thought I was never enough for my wife and she has always thought of finding more fun elsewhere! My mom and her 2 sisters have always said she is very immature for a 58 year old! I am starting to think it is time for me to leave after 23 years! Now working on myself getting in better shape and getting rid of all the insecurities!
That’s like trauma. You have to sit and meditate on it. I need to start this. The last memory I have of someone is him hitting me and I fought back, and shoved him away from me. I ache every day for him, but since he hit me and seems to have no remorse I know it’s best to move on. He’s going through a court case right now and it’s taking a lot of will power to not ask if he’s OK.
what if the negative experience were that the person you loved (in a long distance relationship) did not respond to your calls (phone), and that was his ways for dumping you? How can you make a mind movie with this scenario and turn it into black and white?
I was in love as well. .. very young if I may add. And we basically grew up together as a serious couple. It was a”toxic”relationship and so I somehow found the courage to break it off after 3 years. It’s been about a year since the breakup and although I cut off all contactand the away items of memory, it will always be in my head. Almost every day I think about him. How do I complete this process of moving forward?
This was truly Beautiful of you to so bravely share & I Wish for you The BEST of the best of EVERYTHING good on your journey from this point on. 🙂 The Best most loving & Loyal of Friendships, the Deepest most inate understanding of your true self, the deepest strongest most Sincere & everlasting of love, & an abundance of Freedom, genuine HAPPINESS, & enough Prosperity to last you from this lifetime into the next 🙂
BLESSINGS and take good care,
my friend 🙂
Thank you Matthew. I’m currently hurting very badly over a man who swept me off my feet. Loved my children. Was understanding of my being a single mom who has raised four boys alone. He opened his soul. Cried to me in his worst pain. I could feel his pain as well as my own. It was an immediate connection. He was sent to me from heaven and me to him. But his past hurt made him jealous and insecure of me. He hurt me with thoughts of me cheating. He hurt me so bad. Instead of forgiving and moving forward he became angry at me. All the dreams we had were dashed away. Although he would try and become caring and tender he would convert back to saying horrible things. Hurting me then to never apologize. Every time I would fight back because I believed in that tender man and his aching heart. A man who was ready to love and be loved. The push and pull has nearly distroyed me. It’s made me weak. I’ve cried so many times. Missed work and to see my two young boys how they needed him and adored him. But he mistreats me and only me. I’ve been here before only with a more violent man. I believe the man I’m with uses his past marriage and my own against me. He plays mind games and accuses me of doing it when at the same time accusing me of doing it. It hurts because I don’t think and feel he has any feeling
I loved him through a stroke that he accuses me of. Although before we met he had high blood pressure. It got worse because of his jealousy. Yet at the same time he was willing to marry me.
It’s a constant battle it seems. Each time I stand for myself he withdraws more and more. Even when things are good and I speak of it to him It’s not.
The only reason I’ve held on so long is in my head I can still hear him crying and pouring out his pain. Only now I wonder how much pain could he have been in to behave the way he has.
I feel we are not going to make it because I have no more to give. My body wants to let go but my heart keeps me where I am.
I hope the video will ease the pain because I’ve been going through a two year break up
I am in the same situation right now and don’t know what to do because I gave up everything to be with this man that I love so dearly. I am weak, scared and full of pain and have nowhere to turn. We left our families to be with each other and he is not the same man I fell so in love with. I know need to end it but scared and don’t know how to do so. My hear is broken and he tells be that my love for him is lip service and that he refuses to tell me that he loves me because he does not believe that I love him. He has a very wonderful relationship with his ex wife and he puts her feelings ahead of mine. It’s been over 3 years and I have yet to meet his family including his son, and immediate family. I believe he is leading a double life. I need help for anyone, so tired of waking up in tears and going to bed in tears with my heart aching.
You guys are making me stronger I have to get out of this relationship he is destroying me Lord knows he have.he won’t he touch me. No more he wont talk im hurting this hit hurts…me
The only way I foresee ending this torment is to end me. There are too many things to erase
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Hi, I am love with my best friend from 3 years but he didn’t love me. Yesterday, even my last hope of being together was gone, but we are still best friends (we both live in different cities). It took me a lot of courage to take this decision to forget him as a lover and consider him only my friend. But I donno how to do that.. Please help me to erase my feelings for him.
have the exact same problem. My heart aches every time i think about it, but it’s funny because I focus less about the truth, which is that he is obviously not interested, and that is no ones fault- and more about me and how lonely it makes me, how this whole situation is reflective of my inability to be loved/ undesirability…
I’m over feeling so incredibly melancholic because he vaguely mentions a girl that he talked to/ thinks is attractive. I can feel my lungs collapsing in on themselves every time it happens and I notice a definite shift in my mood and begin to act very… sad.
suppose it’s just me catastrophizing but it has developed to the point where I really truly wish to fall out of love I just have no idea how. I don’t think I’m ever going to communicate that I am in love because it’s too heartbreaking and it would tear me in two. Not chuffed with the way love feels, especially because this is the first time I’ve fallen in love, I just want to close my eyes and disappear from the pain I feel every time I look in his eyes
I really loved this guy and I didn’t know why I tried to tell my self that I hated him and he was a bad guy and he was. But for whatever reason every time I seen him I’d smile and I couldn’t stop I’d dream about him. I started bitting my lip to stop myself from smiling and him. I’d alway feel nervous and couldn’t walk straight. I think it all started when I spend the night at and friends house and he was their ever since the moment I saw him. I wish the feeling would go away…
I know its been 2 years now but how did everything turn out? I am in the same situation
This is very good. Thanks for sharing