“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis
Shock. That was the first feeling. Shock and disbelief.
This isn’t really happening. Denial.
Look into her eyes. Slow realization. I’m not dreaming. Fear.
Wave upon wave of torrential sadness. Messy.
We’d been in a long-distance relationship, and as far as I was aware, everything was inutterably perfect. I was as happy as I’d ever been; I was in love.
For months, I’d been planning to travel across the country to see her. We talked about it endlessly, fantasized about its possibilities, gazed longingly upon the shimmering sapphire-memories we were sure to make.
It was as if we were already nostalgic for what we imagined would occur, for what we were certain would be one of the best times of our lives.
I waited and waited, and finally, the day came. Brimming with excitement and anticipation, I boarded a plane and flew over 1,200 miles.
Everything seemed to go wonderfully until the third day of my visit. I remember it clearly, how she looked at me with those caring eyes—irises the color of melted caramel—and told me something wasn’t right. She couldn’t explain it, but she didn’t feel the same way anymore.
Blindsided. I could hardly fathom the truth—that our gleaming vision had been fool’s gold, our immaculate castle a house of cards.
Perhaps I overlooked something obvious, some subtle-yet-pronounced signal. I don’t know. To this day, I’m still not entirely sure why she ended it.
What I do know, though, is how it felt. I had invested so much of myself into ideas of a future with her that it was like a piece of my identity had been amputated. The sunlit future I’d treasured had been blacked out before my eyes in a proverbial nuclear holocaust.
I felt purposeless, stamped out, alone.
Thinking back now, it strikes me that all people probably experience heartbreak in relatively the same way. Maybe some feel more anger, while others feel more depression, but in general, a sudden loss is like a tsunami of confusion, regret, and sorrow.
It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but if you live long enough, it’s unavoidable. Chalk it up to this peculiar circus we call the human experience—sometimes gravy, sometimes gauntlet.
I firmly believe that pain is necessary for growth, but that knowledge doesn’t always make it any less crummy when you’re neck-deep in swamp muck. You mostly just press on, search for hope, and let Father Time do as that old adage says: heal the wounds.
And amazingly, after a while, things do improve. Eventually, you’ll be surprised to notice that you went all day without thinking about it, that you’re enjoying yourself again, that you’re no longer wallowing, that you let go.
But in the early stages of the healing process, day-to-day life feels about like staggering seven miles through three feet of elephant ordure.
If you’re in that place right now, I’m writing this post for you. You’re stronger than you know. Keep going. Things will be better.
7 Ways to Cope With the Grief of Heartbreak
In my experience, there isn’t any magical antidote for that immediate, pressing sensation of grief, but these simple steps will make it all a bit easier to swallow.
1. Know you’re not alone.
When my girlfriend dumped me, I turned to the Internet to read about breakups. What I found were countless stories of people who had suffered precisely what I had. Reading those stories was therapeutic because I no longer felt so helpless or worthless.
I felt connected to the billions of other people who’d felt equally awful. I gained respect for my ancestors and my contemporaries, for the strength of the human race. I started to have faith that I too could find the resilience to survive and reconstruct my world.
2. Take it one day at a time.
Or, heck, one breath at a time. One moment at a time. When I was down and defeated, I couldn’t imagine how in the world I was going to survive, let alone do all the work that I knew was coming.
Thinking about the future was entirely overwhelming. I couldn’t do it. Instead, I just concentrated on single days.
The present was painful, but I stayed there. I stayed with the pain as it ebbed and flowed through the days. And the days crept by, each one a small victory.
3. Reach out.
Internet stories can be wonderful, but it’s your loved ones who will be a godsend in times of grief. Don’t hesitate to contact your friends and family immediately when something tragic has occurred. This is why we’re here—for supporting one another, or as Ram Dass says, “walking each other home.”
I remember calling my mom, dad, and several of my friends shortly after my breakup. They couldn’t make the pain go away, but they listened and said what they could.
I knew I was cared for. I knew they were concerned. Feeling that love reminded me that I wasn’t worthless. I was still the same me.
4. Create.
After she told me the bad news, I felt an eruption of emotion that was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. There was just so much of it. I needed to let it out somehow, so I wrote.
Writing was a rock, something that had been there before and was still there, something I could turn to. I wrote poetry and letters and stories. Translating the experience into art was a type of catharsis.
It was a way to channel the energies, to release them, to cleanse myself. Whether it’s painting, singing, dancing, drawing, or sculpting, perhaps you will find solace in an art form as well.
5. Find comfort in music.
After the split, I remember sitting in an airport, listening to “Hailie’s Song” by Eminem, crying quietly to myself as oblivious people walked by. Sure, that’s a sad image, but it also felt good to let it out. It was part of my healing process.
Music was another constant, something that wouldn’t let me down. I think I probably listened to every sad song I’d ever heard. It wasn’t a way to feel sorry for myself (okay, maybe a little) as much as another means of knowing I wasn’t alone.
It was a way of feeling more poignantly the pain in the songs and lyrics of others, a way of empathizing with them and knowing they understood how I felt too.
6. Maintain your normal routine.
This was perhaps the hardest thing to do after what happened—return to my routine. Honestly, I felt like locking myself in a dark room with ten pounds of ice cream and sucking my thumb for the next few months. It didn’t seem possible to return to my day-to-day life.
But I did, and after a while, I realized that it was my routine that was renewing my sense of purpose. Actually doingthings took my mind off of the hole in my chest and reminded me of my value.
7. Believe.
It takes a certain measure of faith to fall into a black hole of pain, grope around aimlessly for a while, and eventually emerge. My situation felt devoid of anything positive. It seemed like there was nothing to hang my hat on.
But somewhere, deep within me, I managed to find the courage to believe that things would be better again. I believed that life would not forsake me.
I believed I could weather the storm, and after a few months, the horizon didn’t look so bleak anymore. I began to leave the past where it was meant to be—behind me—and to find satisfaction in the present.
Reflecting on Now and Then
I think about her some days. I read the letters she wrote to me; sometimes a song reminds me of her, and sometimes, for no good reason at all, that face I knew so well inexplicably materializes in my mind’s eye.
I still feel the slightest pangs of sadness, a sort of vague wistfulness for a future that never was with a person who was so dear to me. I imagine her out there somewhere, living out her sunrise-to-sunsets, and I wonder if she remembers me too.
But then I smile, because I’m okay. I experienced the bliss of unconditional love, and it brings me joy to remember it. I’d never take it back, not for anything.
I’m at peace now, with her and with what happened, with myself and with this moment.
I hope she is too. I hope she’s happy and without fear, smiling that beautiful smile.
About Jordan Bates
Jordan Bates is a tenacious fellow who loves novels and freestyle rapping. He's a writer and activist who’d like the world to think more and fight less. You should check out Refine The Mind, his online treehouse.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Please don’t cheapen my grief of losing a loved one by comparing it to the ending of your long term relationship. They’re not even remotely similar.
Sarahliz1624,
My sincerest condolences for your loss. It certainly wasn’t my intention to in any way cheapen the grief you’re experiencing. Please know that, and also please consider that heartbreak is a very real form of grief. The term can be applied widely to all types of situations in which people are suddenly removed from our lives. I’ve lost loved ones as well. Confusion, sorrow, anger… these are the feelings one has. Again, thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Sarahliz1624,
I also offer the sincerest condolences for your loss. I will pray for you to someday find peace as I search for it myself as well. And like Jordan said grief can come from many different events. For me, I had the loss of my dad this summer while just prior to that realizing that my wife was cheating on me. Not a great combination for sure. But a few months later as i look back, the loss of my dad was horrible and I wish everyday he was still with us, but the hardest thing to deal with is having to interact on a daily basis with the person who just slapped me in the face after being together for 15 years, with a beautiful 11 year old daughter, 2 dogs, a nice house, etc. So much hope for the future of our family all just destroyed. So although comparing someone you love going to Heaven with the death of a relationship may not really be fair, it is the lingering effects of the relationship that just seems to stay an open wound every day while realizing that my father is in a better place is somewhat re-assuring. I miss him him dearly of course and take solace in the fact that we will someday be re-united, Wheras my relationship and family as i knew it will NEVER be able to be reconciled. Ever. Again, NOT trying to cheapen the grief involved in dealing with someones passing, just trying to point out that relationship grief is also very real.
This is lovely. Universal and beautiful, both the pain and the summit. I
think that being able to wish the person well is one of the greatest
displays of compassion and heart. I’m not totally there yet, but I’m working on it.
venusbu03,
Thank you. It feels good to reach a point where you can let it go and wish them well. I don’t know if we ever fully move past the occasional questions of what could have been, but I don’t think we’d want to entirely forget how we felt about them either. Wishing you well.
That was beautiful, just when I needed it.
Thanks : )
t,
You’re very welcome. So glad to hear it. 🙂
In Nov 2011.. I came out of a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend….the pain of that finishing (even though beforehand I knew it was right decision) and the fear it created afterwards was the hardest challenge I have experienced. It has taken me 2 years to rebuild my life from scratch. Sadly when we end a loving relationship the old us kind of dies and a new person is reborn out of the wreckage, fear and loneliness we encounter. Key things to do:-
1) After ending relationship don’t claw onto security from other things or get in a new relationship for 2 years minimum. First of all its important to get to know your self and find the things about you that you don’t love…..you have to learn to love yourself to fully love anyone else truly. The reason for this is because if you don’t love yourself, then you will keep seeing the things in other people you don’t love about yourself and you will attract people who also can’t love you fully.
2) Look at your friends closely, are you spending time investing in friendships that actually help you grow or just friendships that support the image of yourself you have (i.e. fulfilling the ego) which therefore won’t allow you to change. Or to put it more simply, that pat your on the shoulder and say your fine and the Worlds at fault for your problems, fears etc.
3) Re-invent yourself, find out what you love again and rediscover the child within your soul. Society tells us what to be, what to think, where to go etc…..but we should tell ourselves. You can be anything you want….but you have to know ‘who you are as an individual’ to actually achieve those dreams.
4) Rebuild and make stronger good relationships with people you care about, these are key to out happiness. Lifes about people.
5) Learn to be alone…..you don’t need to be with someone, in contact with a person or gaining popularity on Facebook to be truly happy….these are just ego slap on the backs. Furthermore, these things are a distraction from ourself and our thoughts…..our thoughts are our fears.
6) Just be happy for small things…..happiness can be found in so much, but you got to look in the right places.
7) Don’t try to runaway from your problems or pain….its impossible and you are merely avoiding the issue.
8) Nothing or no one can make you happy….that is your job. Learning to love yourself, be happy in you, your career, your individuality is the key….be proud, be fearless.
It was hard but I followed this advice and I fell in love with me……I don’t look back now.
Good luck…..your beautiful never forget it….you just got to see it 🙂
Beautiful, William. Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you went through what you did but am inspired by how you’ve dealt with it. Regards.
Hi William.
I absolutely loved your comment, I am getting adivorce and thus feel deeply wounded. As a result I am becoming a better person, constantly thinking about how I can improve my self and though I am in the middle of the divorce process and it is all new I wake up smiling every morning thanking God for letting me experience this pain so that I can grow as a result. I do think that life is beautiful even in the hardest times and that it is a gift. I loved numbers 5 and 8 among other things. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thank you so much for this reply. I never thought I’d be in a relationship where I was the one pining and dying for the other, but here we are (or were, rather). This is such wonderful advice. Even knowing what needs to be done, reading it over and over again helps.
I too came out of almost 9 years relationship 5 months ago. I was happy but i guess she was not. She forced me in a way to break it off. Anyways, i can understand what you are trying to say and i too feel this is the way to go. Hope i too could rebuild a better me from this wreckage. Gonna take a lot of time though
Stay strong. 🙂
I hope you managed to rebuild, William. All my best. <3
Thanks for the comment William.. I have just gotten out of a 2 year relationship about 2 weeks ago.. I feel like shit and am constantly feeling anger, jealousy, and regret. I am trying to improve and get over it as that is what everyone is telling me.. I know things will get better but right now it is very difficult. I have not been eating and havent slept for a while now. I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me about that. She has also been going on dates with a guy after about a week since we ended. It makes me jealous and i know that is her choice and that i cannot do anything i will try to do the things that you have said and hopefully be able to be happy once again. Also if she gives me the chancw to get together with her again. Should i take it? Or is that not a good idea…
Thanks
I deeply hope you pushed through and reached a better place in life. All my best. <3
No one can make me happy. Not even myself, or Batman. And Batman is the man.
Hi, I don’t wot kno to do, my boyfriend of almost 8years left me to get married to someone else after all d promises he made. I don’t kno how to cope wit d betrayal n d intense pain I feel in my Heart, don’t kno how to start all over .. Nothing interests me anymore n I’m so scared of wot I’m turning into due hatred n rage I feel towards him.. I really need help
Adiba, please reach out to those around you, and believe there’s a way through this. There’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Be strong. <3
In the same boat as you , trying meds and therapy ATM ,
Wow. This was my case. It was two years ago in mid-November. I thought I had met the one. I’m almost 50. I was blindsided. And I never got real closure. I tried to reach out twice and both times, I could not get a straight answer. Things have gotten a lot better, but I think I’ll always wonder what happened. My fear is how will it play in future relationships. I know I’ll be okay. A similar situation happened in 1999 and I got over her. It just takes me while to get over loss. Anyhow, your seven tips are good wisdom. Great words for anyone who’s experience a similar break up. Thanks for writing and sharing this! Best of luck to you and all.
Walt,
I appreciate you sharing your story with us, and I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. I too tried to reach out to her after it happened, but that ended up leading to more pain and little resolution. I’m glad things have gotten better for you since then. I also wonder how my failed relationships will affect who I am in future relationships — whether I’ll be afraid of commitment or of letting myself fall too hard. I probably will be, but I’ve always been a hopeless case when I fall for someone, so I’m sure I’ll embrace it. I’m sure no one gets over loss in the same way, but I think everyone needs a lot of time. It means a lot to hear that you thought my suggestions were worthy, and you’re very welcome. I’m very grateful to you for writing this. Take care.
“I had invested so much of myself into ideas of a future with her that it was like a piece of my identity had been amputated. The sunlit future I’d treasured had been blacked out before my eyes in a proverbial nuclear holocaust.
I felt purposeless, stamped out, alone.”
^This. This. One thousand times, this.
I’m in the first stages of a divorce where children are involved and I cant state enough how spot on this particular passage of the article is for me currently.
Thank you for giving me the words to the feelings I couldn’t articulate.
Bek,
God I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine. I’m so grateful that that particular passage could touch you and capture how you’re feeling. Really means a lot to me. Thank you many times over for writing this. I hope upon hope that your situation improves. Warmest regards to you. And prayers for your family.
What a beautiful post!
Thank you, Julia!
Wow. Just….wow. Wonderful and in the nick of time.
Sarah,
So glad it could come at a good time. Thank you.
“Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind” – Marcel Proust. In strange ways, grief softens us as much as it develops us, makes us grow and curiously stronger, wiser – I say all these on hindsight. There is nothing to resist grief I have come to realise, when we are healing, we become more layered, multi-dimensional and compassionate. Embrace the process, we emerge transformed, caterpillars to butterflies.
Deborah,
Wise words. Grief is probably one of the hardest things to embrace. I know that when I’ve lost people either through break-ups or death, I wanted to deny that anything was happening. It’s so easy to resist. The process truly does sculpt us into better people if we let it. Thanks for writing this.
Deborah, thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. Going through a blindsided “break” and the grieving process has me a total mess, a loss of words and with so many emotions. After reading this, it gives me a sense of hope that ill be okay.
This was so beautiful, and so, so true, every word. Thank you.
Inka,
I’m so happy it rang true to you. Sincerity is very important to me. You’re welcome, and thank YOU!
Wow , I remember reading Tinybuddha forums around an year back. I was in the same situation. Rejected by the a loved one. I pursued her, got rejected again. I went to the point where I no longer cared about my self respect. But the eventually I realised I was wasting my and that person’s time. Growth is inevitable . But sometimes Growing APART is the best thing that can happen to you. I once read all such forums over internet and wondered if I will ever be able to follow such advise but trust me [whoever is feeling miserable right now], Life is a really beautiful thing. You just need to hang in there. I am a live example. Its been 10 months I broke up and I am completely over her. Infact , it is her birthday tomorrow and I am going to call her. I love the fact that I had loved her. I no longer hate my past relationship and the unconditional love we shared however short lived that was.
My advise to all the heart brokens out there- Hang in there. I did and I not only survived but emerged as a better person. 🙂
Anurag,
I’m happy for you, and your message is very encouraging. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. 🙂
Thank you for sharing
Beautifully and eloquently worded… Thank you for sharing. It truly does bring comfort to know that in our grief, we are not alone… That others too have suffered, and have made it through to live happy, peaceful lives…
NinjaStarbuck,
Absolutely. Thank you very much for the kind compliment.
This post is a true showing of you courage, and strength. Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your experience, and provide such wonderful tips to move forward in life, because it is so easy to get stuck. Wonderful message! 🙂
lv2terp,
Much appreciated. I’m glad I decided to write it and tell the story. So great to hear that you found my tips and message to be wonderful. All the best to you.
Awesomely written. I feel your pain. And I especially relate to the part where you say “I experienced the bliss of unconditional love, and it brings me joy to remember it. I’d never take it back, not for anything.”, because I feel exactly the same way.
NLS,
Thank you. That was an important realization for me — that no matter how much pain I went through, I wouldn’t take back the memories. Reminds me of the classic Dr. Seuss quote: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Regards to you.
Wow- I needed that. My wife recently left our marriage after 20 years and two wonderful sons. I have never received a true reason for her leaving- her answers change as the days do. I was blindsided and crushed. Slowly, I am crawling out of the hole. But I know there is hope.
Thanks-
Chris,
So, so sorry to hear about your situation. I can hardly imagine the confusion and pain your must be experiencing. I’m touched to know that my writing could help you, if only in a small way, to feel like you can move through this and find a better place. Wishing you all the best and more. Prayers.
interestingly, when i read the title of this post “heartbreak or grief” – i was thinking it was going to be about grief of loss.. you know.. death. sudden or otherwise. i read the entire post and all i kept thinking is, ‘ his girlfriend broke up with him, and he’s heartbroken’. loss..? maybe. more like rejection. i’m not sure you can cookie-cutter your antidote for this emotion, as you’ve done for the definition. how can a parent of a child they’ve just lost listen to music? or the sibling who’s found their brother dead from suicide deal with the grief by dancing or singing? i think all in all this article/blog is written by a heartbroken young person who hasn’t even begun to live life enough to understand that being rejected by a a girlfriend doesn’t qualify advise to the world about grief. go to the homeless shelter and speak with the people there. go to the pediatric cancer floor and have a heart to heart with a parent. go to a nursing home and speak with a 33 year old paraplegic whose family cant care for him. those people know “loss” then have an intimate relationship with grief. it;s etched in their faces and on their hearts. you my friend, have the wonderful ability to love again, and will do so, i am sure of that. i hope when you have an experience of greater magnitude you will write about it as a mature adult.. not an rejected little boy who didn’t get what he wanted.
There are different type of griefs. You can search this in any book and even in a dictionary. He had the courage to express his lost and to me he is admirable. Don’t judge what for you is unkown.
Wilma,
I had no intention of insinuating that my experience is comparable to losing a child or to any of the other situations you mentioned. It isn’t, but does that make my pain and loss any less real or valid? A woman I loved denied me and then stopped talking to me completely. Is that not loss? Is that not worthy of grief?
I’ve lost loved ones to cancer and Parkinson’s disease. I’ve had friends die in drunk driving accidents. Am I unworthy of writing of pain? I never meant to claim that the sorrow I’ve felt has been as great as those who have undergone more tragic events. Who could possibly be the judge of that?
There are a lot of ways to get hurt in this world, a lot of ways to know loss and suffering. The depth of one’s heart isn’t measured by years of life. Perhaps to you I’m nothing more than a “rejected little boy who didn’t get what he wanted”. If you feel comfortable making that judgment about me based on one Internet article, then that’s your prerogative. But personally, I think it’s unfair to claim to know the pain of another. I’d never assume I knew your suffering.
It hurt me to read your comment. The last thing I wanted to do was to come off as someone who thinks they’ve seen it all or been through the epitome of loss. Since it seems that is how you received my message, please forgive me. If what I wrote was presumptuous, it wasn’t intended to be. Like you, I’m only human. Best wishes to you.
Excuse me, but some of these comments are just rants coming from frustrated, bitter and angry individuals. I have lost close ones like my father as a young girl and had many issues in my life and the one thing I underestimated was heartbreak until it happened to me last year and this post is spot on. It is like losing someone, and for me it was in someways harder to process! I love this post and it is very helpful, for those that have a problem with the title and it not really being the story you were hoping for, show some respect for another humans emotions and move on and find another story/blog that is more in-tune with what you are going through.
Thank you. 🙂
Wilma, Wow…just simply WOW. I am thunderstruck by your heartlessness towards Jordan heartbreak. What was the point of your thoughtless comparisons?
I disagree with your statements about heartbreak and grief. I recently found out my husband had been cheating on me for several months, we were together for 5 years until we got engaged and have since been married for 2 years, for a total of 7 years together. We were dating off and on in high school so I’ve known him for 12 years.
When I found out about the devastating events, I spent the next month wallowing in grief and heartbreak, I literally had felt like my best friend and life partner died and cried every single day, I still cry. I literally felt like I was mourning the loss of him, and I still kind of am nearly 3 months later. Grief is subjective. We all obviously experience it in different ways.
Going through this right now. We didn’t breakup because we stopped caring. He is very sick and depressed and unable to maintain a relationship. I truly understand his need to tend to his issues as he see fit and I am beyond sad as well. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to love and be loved in return. He was the first man in over 20 years who treated me like a human being instead of a piece of meat. HE taught me how to meditate and reawakened the ability to dream. I love him still and always will.
Tonya,
Thank you for sharing this. It’s very touching, and it wrenches at my heart in ways I can hardly articulate. At once, I’m so grateful that you found him, so sorry for the struggle you’re both going through, and so hopeful that you’ll find a way to heal the relationship in the future, if that’s what ends up being best for you. All the best to you.
Beautiful post thanks so much for sharing!!! I went through a similar story 2 years ago, I was completely blind and deaf by “love”. Totally crushed! !!
I’m so grateful now for what it happened because thanks to that experience I feel stronger, wiser and more connected to myself. My heart got broken and it cracked open, making me more open to a real kinda love. :).
nedy,
A pleasure to hear from you. Just from your writing, you seem like a charismatic and positive person. That’s wonderful to see, especially knowing that you went through a similar heartbreak a couple years ago. Amazing that you can see the experience with gratitude now and notice how it changed you for the better. It absolutely forces us to become stronger and more independent. The love and gratitude are optional, though. So glad you gravitated in that direction. Best regards to you. 🙂
but how about infidelity, how do you forgive, let alone wish well, after you ve caught ” the love of your life” cheating on you and she refuses to come clean or provide any answers or apologies, all you get are tears and promises which seem false.. how long would it take to end that.. a two yr relationship just broken apart like this…
broken hearted,
This is one area that I have not experienced, though I have friends who have. I’m so, so sorry to hear this. A friend of mine who went through this told me that the best thing for him was to sever all ties, to stop seeing the person at all. Maybe this will end up being what you need to do. I’m sure it’s so hard right now. All I can do is tell you that I feel much compassion for you and know you can make it through this. Prayers for you.
I am one of those people you wrote this for and I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. This is me. Now. My partner of ten years, engaged for much of that time, left me last month. Blindsided to say the least. I thought we were forever. While she struggled this summer, these 10 years were amazing and I never thought we’d ever part. Everything in this beautifully and heart wrenching piece speaks volumes to me right now for where I was, where I am and where I hope to be. Thank you.
Jessica,
It saddens me to hear about what you’re going through. I’m so sorry. It’s just so damn difficult to know where to go or what to do when you don’t see it coming at all. You’re a courageous person to keep moving. I can’t tell you how touching it is for me to hear that my piece helped you, if only in a small way. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Best wishes and prayers to you as you go on. Take care.
Jordan, I think you are very brave for writing of your grief and pain and I completely understand the loss you experienced. It isn’t comparable to death but I don’t think you were comparing it. I’m recently divorced and had to move out of our family home and become a single father. It is very hard being alone again, not being able to check on my daughter whilst she sleeps every night and I have no family around me BUT I’ve opened up to some friends and always cared about others and despite the inevitable pain, can feel some acceptance of how my life is now. One moment at a time and being able to sit with and make friends with my emotions is making life manageable. Take care.
Thank you, Fraser. I’m very sorry to hear about your divorce, but I’m impressed by how you’re handling it. “One moment at a time” has been a mantra of mine in the past, and I love the idea of making friends with our emotions — acknowledging them, not hiding from them. Thank you for sharing this. All the best to you.
That was great dude
Thanks, Mike!
I am going through this right now. my partner cheated on me three months ago in the worse way possible. We tried for two months but have broken up a month ago. We are trying to be friends but it still hurts. It feels like i’ve lost by best friend and i think finding my new identity is the problem.
Trying to be friends with a former partner right after a breakup like that is noble, but you are within your rights to just take a break from this person for awhile. Don’t stress about taking a break from this person, and don’t guilt yourself about it. If being around them hurts, don’t be around them for awhile. You can’t heal a wound that you keep picking at.
And don’t beat yourself up because you got cheated on. Never devalue yourself over someone else’s inability to honor a commitment.
My mom used to say that we’re all jigsaw pieces. You can’t fit perfectly with every other piece in the box, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You keep looking until you do find the people who fit you right. They’re out there.
I was never cheated on that I know about, but the statememt you made about devaluing yourself over somebody elses inability to honor a commitment is very true. It is actually timelessly true.
I hope you took the space that you needed and found a way through this, Ds. Wishing you healing and peace. Be strong. <3
This is a beautiful post…You really have a gift for writing; Jordan! Thank You for the hopeful words… 🙂
Thank you. <3
I am on day 3 of mourining after my break up. My ex said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and didn’t see us going anywhwere and said that we had no future together. It’s hard becuase I am just missing him right now. I don’t see myself dating anyone else becuase I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t believe anyone whould ever want to be in a relationship with me. I’ve just lost all hope.
I truly hope this finds you in a better place. <3
Hi Jordan. This resonates with me so much right now. I met a man from Canada seven years ago and last year we met again and got to know each other, liked each other and started dating and became intimate pretty fast – this was initially long distance (I am from the UK). We dated for a year before I moved to Canada to be with him. A few months after moving here, I told him how I felt about him i.e. I loved him and he told me I was crazy and to go away and leave him alone and he blocked my texts, emails and now will not speak to me at all. He said we were just having fun….We dated for a year and this is just fun to him.
I know he has issues, and is messed up, but to treat anybody like this is very hurtful and whatever I did, I don’t think I deserved that. I only told him I loved him, I don’t think having feelings for someone is a choice, the heart cannot help who it wants.
Anyway, I was heartbroken and devastated and for a couple of months I completely fell apart, slipped back into depression and anxiety, which I have struggled with before. I was 3000 miles away on my own in a country where I did not know anyone, except him and he rejected me.
Now, however, I am starting to get to a better place. I am still in Canada for now, but am thinking of going back home. I love it here, but am all alone and miss family and I have a job and home to go back to, if not a man. I sent the man I care about one last text last month, even if he won’t get it, telling him I wish him all the best, I hope he is happy and that he meets someone he does care about. It helps me to feel better knowing I have been nice and not hurtful back. I still care about him deeply, but know now that we were not meant to be together.
I am a good person, even if I don’t have anyone special to share that with and I keep telling myself I am a good person, it helps me realise that maybe, just maybe there may be hope that one day I will meet the right man for me, but right now I am happy working on myself and getting myself feeling good again.
I’m so sorry, Emjay. I hope this finds you in a better place. <3
I also started a long distance relationship over the Internet, and even though we began to grow distant, I flew across the country to see her. When I got there, she was no longer interested. We are definitely not alone
No we aren’t. Hope you’re doing better now, Connor. <3
Wow, Bates the antidote you wrote perfectly described what I am going thru. You speak of true wisdom and words that can help us conquer our regrets and hard times, thank you for that. Like you I had the most amazing girl who was shinning inside out, but its true u cant love someone else if u don’t love yourself, I’m realizing that now. I’m thankful for the wonderful years we shared, it was great and I can never regret that. You’re right this is what makes us stronger, we come back out this as a better person. I completely agree with all that you said but how do you stop your mind from running to her every minute of the day?
moo,
Gradually the thoughts will slow down. Try to focus on your talents. Start new projects. I hope this finds you in a better place. <3
What a great post, Jordan. Thank you. I can so relate to this as I’m sure many many others can too. Your article is really well-written, humorous and it definitely pulled at my heart-strings. Number four is a great one. I too channel my emotions and struggles into my writing and I always feel better as a result. I’ve just connected with your Facebook page so I look forward to reading more.
Thank you, Sharon. <3
Dear Jordan,
I totally felt connected with all that you wrote since I am getting out of a marriage. I can tell you that these 7 steps you mentioned plus the things that william wrote in his comment are going to help me a lot. Now I really know that I am not alone 🙂
Thank you.
No, you’re not alone. <3 Thank you, Soudy.
I have been googling desperately for any source of comfort. thank you for this article. my fiance of 5 years has left me for someone else..i had no idea at all..im completely blindsided and can’t breathe..we have a 3 year old together, and im pregnant with twins..i cant eat, sleep..it hurts to move. he is now 2000 miles away, and will never see his toddler again…or meet the twins to come. i cant grasp that my entire life has completely broken in a matter of days. please tell me one day i will breathe again. i have so much to face..helping my toddler through this..birthing the babies alone..looking at them and knowing they are part of him..theres no escape.
The best thing I could do to try to bring you comfort is to feel my tears for you, and send you loving thoughts. Hope my best wishes can reach your heart and bring you peace.
I am so sad for you. I feel your pain. God strength.
I deeply hope this finds you in a better place, Lost. I’m so, so sorry for what happened to you. Sending massive love.
Yes i am now in the same situation my girlfriend rejected me 2months back after 5years long relationship without marriage, i loved her so much and she too loves me so much till 15th Sept 2013, our story is different we were decided in initially being as friends about 2years and get marry other people individually but its become love and gone till 5years and we have decided to marry other people due to caste problem but i am interested to make convenience in my house but she is not ready to make convenience her parents, recently she got one new marriage proposal and suddenly she start avoiding me and finally i begged her to marry me but she was rejected me and not even talking with me, last 15days i asked her to meet me at my house but she deny-ed earlier she use to come my house weekly once and staying with me full day and night, what happens to her, if she is not interested to marry me ok at least she can give me some relationship till she get marry, You know how the pain will be if some one is rejecting us when we need love, i loved her so much and helped her so much, i have treated her more than my family members but finally she break my heart for new guy, what the hell people think when they want some other thing they are ready to break anything
I’m so sorry, chandu. I truly hope this finds you in a better place. <3
I am hurting so badly and desperately need your advice. Your article really spoke to me but I’m still having some troubles. My ex and I ended things a few months back due to long distance, timing of things, jobs that have us working late at night and sometimes weekends, and the reality of not having an opportunity to be in the same city again for potentially 3-5 years. We still love one another and we had been talking everyday (though not as much as a relationship) and the middle ground was confusing and exhausting. We decided to cut contact for now but we still hope that one day we can be together again when the timing is right. I just don’t know how to get through this when we both still love and care for each other. It’s so hard not talking and I’m just hoping that a period of not talking will help me to disattach myself from him. I love this hope for our future but I’m afraid that clinging to that hope could be unhealthy. I’m scared that what if we talk in a few months he will feel over it and not have that same love for me. I’m just so afraid that life may be cruel and never give us that opportunity to pick up where we left off. I also worry about him finding someone else in these next few years. I feel like it’s inevitable and I can’t blame him for it. For all I know I may find someone new (although the thought of that right now is repulsive to me). I just am sad and while I love that we ended things maturely and with love for each other I’m afraid of losing him permanently. Any advice is appreciated! Thanks!!
My girlfriend said the same thing (we werent long distance though) that maybe in a year or so when we both mature we can get back together.. I dont think i would be able to do that knowing she has been with other guys (im 18 she was my first and i was hers). just keep hope and let time run its course. Other than that stay positive and stay strong.
Izzy, I deeply hope you found a way through. I feel your pain. I see you. I hope you’ve healed and are in a good place in life. All my best. <3
Read this a while ago after a breakup, now reading this again after another heartbreak. One thing I can say is, it doesn’t get easier, but the point of reflection after each is what’s giving me hope. All your points are very true, thank you for reminding me yet again, most especially to believe, keep on believing, and belt out a tune on the days it’s just too damn hard to do anything else.
Thank you for sharing, Ruby. So glad these words could be there for you in your time of need. <3
thank you. i am exactly in that place right now.
I hope you got through it and are stronger and in a better place now. <3
Everyone seems so brave. I’m heading towards a breakup and i’m terrified. The pain is almost unbearable even though i know everyone goes through this and comes out of it alive. How do i get brave enough to go through the first few months?
I hope you got through it and stayed strong, Ana. <3
Really gad that i found this blog. I am in a current situation where i ended my 6 years relationship with my girlfriend. I loved her so much that i dream ‘t of being with her for the rest of my life. Until one day, i felt weird, something is not right. The spark is gone.
I need advise as to what I’m gonna do in this kind of situation. Thank you and more power to all.
Basti, I hope you’re in a better place now. I’ve been where you were too. It’s very, very hard. Take care. <3
Thank you for this article Jordan. I am in the throes of this heartbreak right now. Ours was not technically “long distance,” we were about 90 minutes away from each other by car. But our different schedules and life’s obligations made it that we would see each other only once or so a week. We are both widows, and we started as friends. We were comfortable talking about our previous losses, we had both had our partners with us for many years, and both had died of cancer. After about 5 months or so we moved to the next level, still very slowly, always talking and keeping our feelings out there. Up until a very short few days before the end of our relationship she kept telling me that the pace of our relationship was perfect for her, she had lots of family responsibilities and I always respected that and made sure that she knew that. Two hours before the break up we were on vacation at vacation and she said to me, I feel so good when we get back to our room we should get close. When we got back she instead got quiet, then said she felt that she was feeling so much grief for her former wife. They used to vacation there, so I said, why don’t we go home early. She said that would be good AND that she could not continue our relationship. We had traveled in her car on the trip so we drove back 5 hours to her house so that I could get my car. It was just agony, and a month later, still agony. I cry every day, we have talked a bit since then and she says that she misses me and feels terrible for what happened, but she is not ready for a relationship. I want to be friends, because we did start out that way, but I do not know if it will be possible. On that awful ride home she said that she thought that I was pushing too much or wanted more, even though we had no plans at all to live together, my house is on the market but I already had plans to move to a condo that was not any closer to her. She also said that she did not want to be married again, something I never broached with her. I think now she realizes that she has her issues, maybe she did not grieve her first loss enough. I also realize that I may have gotten in too deep as the pain is incredible for what really was only about 4-5 months of an intimate relationship. I lost my previous partner 18 months ago so maybe two losses in a row is the problem. The fear is incredible, the sadness makes my heart so heavy. I am reading below the idea of taking two years to get over things, and maybe that is what it will be. Thanks for this site, it does help to know that I am not alone. I am blessed with family and friends and coworkers that want to help but it is still a rough road.
It can be an incredibly rough road, Catherine. I truly hope this finds you in a better place. <3
Reading this post made me brim up with tears, because this is literally the same experience I went through. The exact same LDR situation, and my boyfriend breaking up with me during our long-awaited visit.
It feels very comforting to know someone has gone though the exact same situation and came out at the other end.
I’ve found documenting my experiences very cathartic, and have started a blog: http://www.findingmyinnerzen.com/
I feel like the only times I’m not fixated on the situation, is when I’m writing and putting my energy into it.
I’m glad you found a way to cope through writing, Zen. I hope you’re in a better place now. <3
Hi Jordan. I came across your post this morning and I was so happy I read it. Not only am I going through what feels like hell right now but I am dealing with the stress of starting a new life in a new place. I didn’t ask for this person to come into my life. I needed a friend and somehow feelings got mixed in. Of course it ended with me being in love with someone who saw what a broken person I was and decided he didn’t want me anymore. Getting over someone is hard enough but almost damn near impossible when they are your roommate. I’m currently in the process of finding my own place and establishing my own life in a new place…but I don’t know how I am going to get through the next few weeks being around someone I’ve messed things up with. He has his faults too but he had the foresight to remove himself from it. We were suppose to abandon romantic aspirations and rebuild our friendship. It may be too soon but I want things to be right with us. I can’t help but hope that someday we can try being together again but even I know that is an unhealthy and improbable route to be stuck on mentally. I feel the worst kind of alone. The kind where I am surrounded by people. I have a hard time talking to my friends about it. I know that my flaws and insecurities and my self loathing has brought me down to here. He saw it in me and it pushed him away. I know that people who care about you are suppose to love you despite your shortcomings…but can you really blame someone for trying and failing to love someone who clearly has no love for themselves? There is so much more to this and I could go on…you were right though. Reading about others who have gone through/are going through this kind of pain and grief offers a small comfort. I appreciate you and the other commenters for bravely sharing such personal grief with strangers. I wrote this partly to vent but also because I want to reach out. I have friends that would be there for me in a heartbeat but I think right now it is easier for me to reach out to people(such as yourself) who just plain and simply know my grief and to learn from them….just to hear one more time that there is a light at the end of this dark scary tunnel…
There really is a light, Demi. I hope this finds you in a better place. <3 <3 <3
I’m currently going through exactly what u went through. It’s so difficult, I cry my eyes out every night, it still doesn’t get better. We both were talking about how our future will be, how many kids we would have, we recently went shopping to get household items to setup a new apartment. We already had a date for our wedding and suddenly she called it quit. It eats me up everyday I don’t know what to do.
SEYE
Seye, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I hope you’re in a better place now. <3 <3 <3
I have been together with my partner for 3 years now where half we were in the same country and its been 1.5 years that we are now in seperate cou tries things are not the same. We argue over such petty things. He now wants nothing to do with me and I have actually begged him not to leave me because i just can not face the pain. The thought of not being with him hurts. I can’t sleep i can’t eat or go to work.
I just don’t know what to do. He wants to move on and I just don’t have the strength to let it happen. Any help?
Wahaj,
I hope you made it through and found a better place. Wishing you strength and sending love. <3
I am grateful for this article. My heart has been torn into a million pieces after a blindsided breakup last month…yes, just before Valentine’s day. I couldn’t even bring myself to cry but I know something inside me just went numb. I did look through the internet of possible answers to a thousand questions. And the one thing I realized is that I am not alone. I found comfort in knowing that most of us have gone through difficult break ups…but no matter the pain, we WILL get over it. LIFE MUST GO ON. I do.believe it will get better in time and soon before I know it, I am making new and better memories again.
Yes, life does go on, bdoll. I deeply hope you’re in a better place now. <3
I didn’t want to read this but i did and i’m glad i did. It hurts, it hurts so bad and what hurts the most is it was perfect then all of a sudden he just ends it. I was not expecting it so I’m wrecking my head trying to see did i miss some signs, did i say something wrong did i do something but it’s just him. He didn’t want me he wanted my best friend… So that is some blow and I’m in some state but i know it’s like the end of the world for me now but i know it’s not. I will be fine. Someday I will be able to sleep through the whole night without crying. He chased me, he got me, he broke me.
Amy, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re in a better place in life now. <3
This really helped me. Because atm i cannot breathe function. Heartbreak is beyond words.
Its like you cry blood.. was getting better he won’t respond back wont talk to me, but he posted a very sad poem of heartbreak and i just broke down. .i am so in love with him..he knows that.. We broke up beacuse he has trust issues, beacuse i snapped about it. .he wont forgive nor talk to me.. We’ve been talking dating, skyping texting, was serious about him but he had doubt i had to validate myself alot
…over all i feel like i have ruined my life ruined my chance, he wont forgive me, i told him sorry about that message heck id bloody roll over for him… i know its not right but i am so broken… Unfortunately parents aunts want me to suck it up 4 days is enough to cry about him… i got so mad! Theres no bloody set time!!! 😣😠 no one actually cares. . Sorry maybe my texting isnt good atm . . Thank you for reading my msg. . I am so gone 😢😢
myaali,
I’m so sorry. I deeply hope you’re in a better place in life now. The grieving process can take years; I’m sorry your family wasn’t understanding. Sending strenght and love. <3
she broke with me last month and she has already moved in with another man and they are already planning to wed.she loved me so much and i cant even imagine she could betray me that much after three years of loving her.
himu,
I’m so sorry. I deeply hope you’re doing better now. <3
Jordan,
My boyfriend of 6 months just told me today that he cant be with me anymore. I believe you know exactly how im feeling right now. it doesnt matter how long the relationship was because the pain is still the same.
he asked me out first and asked me to be his girlfriend. I was surprised but i accepted him and start to fall for him. Everything was fine and rosy till i received an email from him.
the reason he ended our relationship was that he is an atheist and i believe in religion. he feared that later on there will be difficulties for us in future, that he had to pretend in front of my family members. he said its better 6 months than 6 years. i told him that i love him for who he is but he just dont want to try.
i have told him everything that i could to assure him that i love him unconditionally but he chose to say “..I love you. goodbye.”. i love him so much and i know he loves me too…i have to accept the fact that its over and i have to let him go.
thank you for sharing your experience. im going to move forward. im going to do my MBA and graduate first class, get a better job, and as cliche as it sounds..im going to travel the world. i wish everyone here a happy life.
K, I hope you did that MBA, got that job, and traveled the world. I hope that so much. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Be strong. <3
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sorrow and pain affects all of us but thats what pretty much draws the image of our lifes. But the fact that the pain and sorrow can make us grow even further gives hope to make our way through these times.
Greetings from Berlin, Germany.
Greetings, Pia. You’re welcome. And thank you so much for your warm comment. Much love. <3
This post seems to be more than two years old but I just found it today. Thank you for sharing your experience. I needed this. All I could think when reading your intro was EXACTLY. This is how I felt. And also, I feel like I will never really know why someone else’s love changes. But I suspect we have all been on both sides of the equation and I try to remember that, too. The holidays might be particularly difficult this year but I know 2016 will be a great year!
Joy, I hope you’re in a better place in life now. All the best to you. <3 <3 <3
It’s good to know I’m not alone as I
You’re not alone, Wes. <3