To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Many people I talk with feel that they have no joy in their life. They feel obligated to do so many things that they don’t have time for themselves and the things they really want to do.
As a result, they feel drained, anxious, and resentful. With so many outside forces competing for their time, energy, and financial resources, is it really any wonder they feel this way?
So what do we do? How can we remain balanced among this sea of obligations and commitments?
The answer is to live consciously. By looking at each decision we are making and by asking ourselves, “Is this really what I want to be doing? Is this really what is right for me?” And then by making sure our actions stay in alignment with our true intentions.
Saying yes when we mean no often causes us not to trust ourselves. It damages our confidence and lowers our self-esteem.
So why do we do it?
From a young age, we are conditioned to act in certain ways in order to feel loved and accepted. This is the beginning of our loss of personal power and authenticity.
In order to create change, we will need to recondition our beliefs by discovering what is really true for us.
These are the questions I ask myself to become aware of any patterns and beliefs that no longer work for me. Once you become aware of these beliefs, you can simply begin to consciously change them.
Ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? Is it because…”
- I will feel guilty if I don’t?
- Everyone else is doing it, so I should too?
- I want others to think I am a nice person?
- I want to feel accepted?
- I don’t feel good enough about myself to do what is really right for me?
- I have trouble saying “no” or being myself around certain people?
If you have said “yes” to any of the above questions, you are cheating yourself out of the things that bring you happiness and joy!
The next time you hear yourself saying, I love to garden…but I don’t have time or I love to golf…but I’m too busy remember you can choose differently. You can choose to believe you are valuable; what is right for you does matter, and that your happiness is a priority.
Your life is the culmination of each decision you make every moment (whether you are aware of what you are choosing or not).
Begin to understand the intention behind every action you take and make a conscious decision to do only what is right for you. Gather the courage each moment and say “no” to anything or anyone that doesn’t allow you to be yourself, or to live in alignment with your dreams.
What will you choose? Will you choose to stay in power by acting with the knowledge that you are responsible for every action in your life? Or will you continue to give your power away in order to feel valued and accepted in the eyes of another?
The choice is yours.
Photo by daz smith
About Carol Stansfield
Carol Stansfield, M.B.A., M.A., is a life coach and founder of the Center for Life Mastery, a multi-purpose center focused on evolving human consciousness through self-awareness, spiritual understanding and personal transformation. For more information on Carol, the Center or her new book, Beyond Survival: Seven Principles for Creating the Life You Want go to www.carolstansfield.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great post Carol. It’s a good reminder that we have to include ourselves in our vision for the world. And for many of us, this takes practice!
[…] http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/ […]
So true. Thank you for sharing
Yeah is this also biblical…. God -1st, you 2nd, wife 3rd, family, friends, and don’t forget the boss…. Give unto Cesar what is Ceasr’s….. We all have priorities!
Nice post.
There is a saying that said “The best way to live our lives is to live for others.”, “No man is an island”. “We need each other.” It is a matter on how we manage our time. Set our priorities. For me, my joy is to help others and motivate them to help themselves and at the same time help others in the best they can.
Awesome article.. I loved it and I’ll follow it 🙂
I’ve am practicing this very thing! Thanks for the boost as I accept my human foibles. 🙂
It reminds me of a wise man’s words. “When you learn self-love, you fill the well within yourself, so that you have a vaster body of love to give others.”
Thanks Amanda. So often I have to stop and think about what choice is right for me and to get clear on why I may choose to do something that doesn’t make me happy. It does take practice, it really does.
Thank you for your boost! I am practicing right with you and accepting all that comes from being human as well!
Thank you so much for your positivity.
Thank you Lynn. It really is about self-love and learning how to fill our own cup so we can better share that love with others. I appreciate your wisdom.
I like this, thank you.
Thank you for your perspective. I have also found that there are many ways to help others. Sometimes being who we are and walking our talk or putting into action what we know in our head can empower others to do the same.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
I am grateful for the opportunity to share this and I also want to thank you for sharing your thoughts/feelings with me as well.
[…] I may elaborate more later but I am getting tired. I am thankful for whoever tweeted this article http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/ it started my thinking on the topic weeks […]
Interesting post(:
i like it
yes. thank you. when I decided to begin living this way a few months ago, my entire life suddenly was illuminated. loved this piece!
[…] A simple Guide to be yourself instead of people pleasing- “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh […]
[…] feelings and experience towards your own personal power ? Please let me know in the comments below.Standing in your power – what does this mean? If you have heard the phrase before it may resonate wi…/2011/05/personal-power.jpg">Standing in your power – what does this mean? If you have heard the […]
Awesome article.. really helped turning my life around… do want one wants to do.. n go by own decisions- good or bad…. letting others also to do what they want to do and trust others to take their own decisions…. life is much better when we take direct responsibility of our lives
This is a wonderful column- concise, relevant and personal. You’re a great writer!
By being yourself, you will find that inner peace. Instead of being a duplicate of another person one should always try to focus on projecting themselves so that people start to notice them with their qualities.
– Rainer Proksch (http://mconception.com/blog/)
People get so subconsciously hung up on how they HAVE TO do certain things and worst of all people often think it’s to late to quit something!
“well, it’s not my dream job but I have a good position and I have worked hard to get here so I can’t really stop now”
Guess what! You don’t have to do anything but worrying about being happy and with that you will automatically make the world into to a better place and share happiness with the people around you.
A very nice blog by the way.
Aron Alakangas
I let a friend stay with me because she got kicked out of her mom’s house and didn’t have anywhere else to go. I couldn’t say no because I felt bad and I didn’t want her to think I was an unkind person. She ended up completely overstaying her welcome, and I’ve spent a lot of money trying to help her get her own place. Had I just said no, she would have been forced to make peace with her mom. Hindsight, 20/20.
Dear carol standsfield,
I realy enjoyed reading this blog,
I love the way you tells us how to manage ourselfs by asking us questions to our selfs.
I also like the way you explain why we do these kinds of things we do.
I really enjoy your post
From:Ariela Velazquez
Although I agree with this in theory, this is not always realistic. We live in a society where there are barely any jobs and rent is extremely high. I myself am struggling to make ends meet and pay the bills and rent for a room in a shared house, and it leaves me with little to no time to do what I really love. It doesn’t feel like there is any choice, it’s either struggle on in a job that is grinding you down, or end up on the streets – as a lot of people seem to these days.
We were taught to treat others well. That’s why we tend to be nice to each person we encounter. Being nice is a good thing, but there is danger if we use this just to please other people for the fulfillment of our own needs.
Thank you for this post. I’m a people pleaser, and my biggest dream is to be myself..I really wish for no more. Thank you! I will try to work on it. Well…no more trying, i will start working on it from this day! 🙂
I agree and feel the same struggle. It’s been a year since you posted this, how have things changed? have you found the time to enjoy your life more and are finances still tough?
This reminds me of a situation with a friend of mine. The thing is she is a 51 year old women who for what ever reason never established a home for herself. She lived with other people for her entire life mostly her mom though. However, when her mom past away. She didn’t know which way was up! Instead of taking over the apartment her mother was in. Her reason, because there was back money to be paid and it was too much.
She left and went to stay with other people. She is at her second place now. And is asking if she could stay with me. I told her I have been there and done that already. Plus I don’t want to jeopardize the friendship. She got mad and tried to manipulate me and make me feel bad. But That’s not going to work with me anymore. I have been burned one too many times putting others first! I told her I don’t mind if she came by from time to time. She could even spend the night. But she needs to work on being self sufficient and get her own place. I’m not helping others to my detriment anymore.