“A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion.” ~Chinese Proverb
I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question: Do you know if you’re an introvert or an extrovert?
If you’re uncertain of the answer, you might accidentally be draining your energy with too much time spent socializing, or boring yourself to death with too much time spent in solitude.
Extroverts get energized by large groups of people and lots of external stimulation, whereas introverts energize themselves when they have time for themselves in low stimulus environments.
Understanding your social type can make a huge positive impact on the quality of your life.
My College Years as an Introvert
Back in the days when I didn’t understand my introverted tendencies, I used to think that there was something wrong with me.
Attending college in the U.S. was pretty confusing for a typical introvert coming from Finland.
There was a whole lot more partying and socializing going on that I was used to.
At times this environment was very exhausting for me since it didn’t fit my personality that well.
I went to bars and parties just like any other student, but I wasn’t always able to enjoy myself while there.
I remember one incident when my girlfriend, at the time, got mad at me because I looked miserable at one of the parties we were attending.
Of course, I wanted to fit in so I tried forcing myself to be more extroverted from there on.
That never really worked out.
I found it incredibly tough and draining to try to sell myself as an extrovert. The approach clearly wasn’t working for me.
It became obvious that something had to change. And since faking extroversion wasn’t really working for me, I began spending more time alone.
I discovered that taking time for myself was working pretty well, especially after days that had been full of socializing.
But soon I began realizing the drawbacks of this approach as well. I noticed myself drifting into bad moods after too much time spent in solitude.
I had moved from one extreme, of accepting all party invitations, to declining the majority of them. Neither extreme worked well for me.
This is when I first realized that I needed to find a good balance between the two approaches.
I learned a lot about myself during those years. I’m now able to arrange my ratio better between solitude and my social life.
For example:
- I recently went backpacking in Europe by myself staying in hostels along the way. Traveling alone ended up working well since I was able hang out with fellow backpackers just as much as I wanted to. I always had the option of hitting the road solo if I felt like it.
- Since I understand my need for “battery recharging” in solitude, I’m able to decline social invitations without feeling guilty (well, most of the time).
- I’ve learned to make compromises when it comes to things like going out. Many times I go to parties for shorter time periods than the average person attending. I try to focus on the quality of interactions while there instead of the quantity.
It’s Not Black and White
Sorting people into introverts and extroverts is a convenient way of arranging people into two different categories of social type.
I acknowledge that this isn’t a black-and-white issue, so very few people are complete extroverts or complete introverts. We fall somewhere along the line between extroversion and introversion.
So naturally, if you are more of an introvert than an extrovert, which I am, you’ll have a different need for the amount solitude than someone who is predominately extroverted.
We are all unique.
Awareness of your position on this spectrum of introversion and extroversion is the first important step in discovering your perfect balance between social and solitude. With this knowledge you can begin living a more enjoyable life.
Finding Your Golden Ratio
1. Vacation Choices
If you had to choose between these two options for a vacation, which one would you choose?
- A vacation with yourself, a good book and a warm beach, or…
- A vacation spent with hundreds of new people, partying on a cruise ship.
Answer this question honestly. Don’t think of what you should do but which one you’d pick if you didn’t care what anyone else thought about you.
As you might have guessed, if you answered the first option, then you’re most likely more of an introvert. If you chose the cruise ship you have more extroversion in your spirit.
2. Your Dream Day
Imagine your dream day. What activities would you do? Where would you like to be? Who would you want to hang out with?
Answering these questions will give you a good picture of the optimal balance of social and solitude that suits you best.
If you imagine your perfect day to be with a surplus of people, then you are more of an extrovert.
In my own case, my dream day would consist of time spent with family and close friends. I’d also like to spend time alone with my own precious thoughts.
3. Previous Data
You have an incredible amount of data in the form of life experience to determine what ratio of social and solitude suits you best.
Do you find yourself needing solitude after hanging out with people, or do you get bored if you’re by yourself for too long?
You might have gotten stuck with a certain ratio just because you thought it was the socially acceptable way to go. Since you have a unique personality, you shouldn’t determine your time spent in social activities through what’s considered to be “normal.”
4. Saying No
If you’re an introvert and you suspect that your social life is depleting your energy, it is vital that you make a change to your old ways of operating.
In order to do this you must learn to say “no” to some invitations.
Try declining a few invitations and see what the results are in terms of your well-being.
5. Your Favorite Venues
Extroverts get energized from high stimulation places such as nightclubs. For them these are great places to attend.
You might be happier at venues like coffee shops where you can still be social but in your own style.
Instead of staying home in solitude, sometimes you could just choose a venue that suits your personality better.
6. Doing the Right Thing
How often have you not wanted to do something that you knew was the right thing to do, yet chose to do it anyways? Were you happy you did it afterward?
This has happened to me many times, and I suspect the same is true for you.
For example, I don’t always feel like eating healthy foods when I have the choice of something tasty, yet unhealthy. Nevertheless, when I go for the healthy option I feel great about my decision afterwards.
The same sometimes applies to socializing. Sometimes your mind is telling you to stay comfortably at home, but you feel great after you’ve “picked yourself up” and went out anyways.
In Conclusion
To find your golden ratio of social time and solitude, it is first important to determine if you are inclined more to toward extroversion or introversion.
After this you can experiment with different ratios and intensity levels of engaging with others and spending time alone.
You can tell if you are moving closer to your optimal point from your energy levels and general well-being.

About Juha Kaartoluoma
Juha Kaartoluoma writes at Prince Awakened on Introversion and Manliness. There you can get his free ebook: Self Reliance: The Man Empowered. And if you liked this article, you might also enjoy one of his top articles: Is Hollywood Robbing Your Manhood?
Thanks, Juha! Extroversion often appears to be highly valued in at least US culture, and I’ve only recently accepted that there’s nothing wrong with me for being an introvert. Deciding that it’s OK to say “no, thanks” to social engagements is very freeing.
Hey Juha, Check out Maurice Cotterell and his work on solar radiation in respect of conception date/location and introvert/extrovert personality types. It might help to expand upon what and why you feel the way you do.
Timely post for me! Thank you! I have recently realised that I am more leaning towards being with myself and family! Have declined couple of invites and am in the badbooks of some people too! But it does not matter to me anymore….how can I make others happy when I am not! right?!!
Perfect timing, I just declined an invitation to a party which I decided I didn’t want to attend because I’m past the partyinge stage. However the individual takes it, I have remained true to myself and am content that I’m finally doing what I want for myself 🙂
Dear Juha,
You might be surprised, or delighted, or whatever emotion, upon hearing that I have tried this personality experiment in full in high school! I’m turning seniority level this year, and I can safely say I’m somewhere like: 60% to 70% extroverted. I’ve gotten an early start thanks to writers and speakers of introversion such as yourself!
Now, you might be curious as to how I found this out at such a youthful age. Well, I think it started back sophmore year, that’s when I noticed an innate tired and unfulfilled feeling I’d get from hanging out all the time. It was too odd, so, naturally, I looked it up on the internet. I thought I might just be depressed, or be taking medication that was effecting my attitude, but then I learned about the Myers Brigg’s personality types, and that moment enlightened me forever. After that, I spent a year being more introverted, slowly at first, and then I declined all invitations, just as you had. I found that that was far too damaging, and went back to a more social approach… which got me a lot of attention and invites far too quickly! So, I went to introverted again, to the same effect. And now, with my school body slowly maturing, it seems that the luxury of me having people understand I don’t want to hang out all the time, and I choose when (be it randomly or otherwise) I do want to go out. I’ve been blessed to find this balance so soon, and it’s all thanks to you and other personality prophets, Juha.
So, thanks again, and wonderfully written article. I hope you help out other people as well. 🙂
Cheers.
T.G.
Many people would think that meditation is a very introvert activity. However, I find that meditation can be the perfect balance between being extrovert and introvert. For example, if you meditate on loving kindness then I would think that meditation is actually quite an ‘extrovert’ activity. After all, mentally you are thinking about others. Mindfulness on the other hand can offer us a moment to look inward. So there you have it, Buddhist meditation offers everything!
I agree. Saying “no, thanks” can be very freeing. You feel in control of your life when you do so.
I’m glad you’ve found your balance with socializing at such a young age! It does require some experimenting, as you’ve done.
And I agree that the Myers Briggs type indicator can be a great resource for understanding yourself better. It also comes in handy when trying to comprehend other’s behaviors!
Right on Connie 😉
Very true. At times you have to be “selfish” and think about your own wellbeing.
Thanks for your tip Doug! I’ll certainly look into it.
Could you recommend any specific book, DVD, or YouTube video where he explores this?
As an introvert by nature, I’ve been struggling with finding this balance for years, and I’m much better at it now! I can so relate! Thanks for the tips.
Omg I definitely relate to an introvert and all my life I’ve tried to be something I’m not just to fit in… The last few years I’ve slowly pulled away and enjoyed being the person I am even if I am a bit of a hermit at times:)))
This article is so awesome; I’m so glad somebody wrote about this! Last week I was talking to my mom about how I just need to be alone and certain others think I should be hanging out with them all the time.
It’s very obvious that I am an introvert. I do like being with others but I feel completely drained by a day spent with company. When I’m alone it’s like I am a battery being recharged and then when I’m out with others I can be more fully myself. If I’m around people too many days I start to not be myself and I get quiet.
Extroverts tend to not understand this about me at all and make me feel that something is inherently wrong with me. Thank you for writing this c: I now feel I am just fine, just the way I am!
Love,
Sarah
Good article…I’ve always embraced my introversion. What I’ve found difficult is learning how to deal with the “fear of missing out”. I always feel that if I suck it up and go to an event I really don’t feel like going, that somehow I’ll meet someone or somehow have something else happen that will make a difference for me. I suspect I’ve lost friendships this way. I often worry that I sometimes turn down one invitation too many. I wonder if some of us require too much solitude than is really good for us in the long run.
Great article!
However, I’d just like to say about Point 1 that the two choices are rather black and white. Personally, my preferred choice for a holiday would be something in the middle. I’d get bored with my own company if it was just me for the whole holiday, and likewise, I probably wouldn’t pick a cruise party for the entire holiday either. I’d go with a small group of close friends, and probably meet some new people along the way. Whether that makes me an introvert, an extrovert or an ambivert, it doesn’t matter, because it’s what I would enjoy.
As you said, introversion and extroversion aren’t black and white; it’s a spectrum with many shades of grey. They’re both also relative, depending on the company you’re in. Like many other aspects of human personality really 🙂
Thanks again for your useful points, it’s a great topic to write about.
thankyou for this wonder full article
I eat poo poo for breakfast but you don’t hear me complaining, mostly because im mute.