“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ~Benjamin Spock
I used to believe that I was my thoughts. I really believed that everything happened well because I had analyzed and planned and prepared. I didn’t even know that I was doing this. I didn’t know there was any more to me than my thoughts.
I also used to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, so thinking about how to fix myself was my main pastime.
All my life people told me, “You’re too sensitive,” “so intense,” “you’re just so emotional.”
I told this to myself, and plenty of other people told it to me too, both directly and indirectly.
I didn’t know how to live. I had an analysis of life rather than an experience of life when I was with others. When alone, my life was deep and vivid and rich. I felt it all. Little did I know then, no one knows how to live. We do it.
It only felt safe to feel it all alone. I’d get sideswiped by inexplicable emotion at inconvenient times. So, I just tried to keep it all under wraps, keep it all under conscious control.
I didn’t trust myself at all. I didn’t trust my body. I didn’t trust anything other than my thoughts. My body was so unpredictable and confusing, this sensitivity was so out of control.
Then, when I was twenty-five and married, after just graduating with my Master’s degree as a marriage and family therapist, I couldn’t do it anymore. It all fell apart. I realized that there was more to me, and the life I was living was a fake, a construction based on my thoughts.
I got divorced. I quit my job. I moved. I dropped it all. Realizing how much of my life was a lie and how directly I could connect with and trust my body made me see that I couldn’t keep living that life. It was a beautiful break down.
It was then that I started studying hypnosis in depth and I came in direct contact with my subconscious.
It was a funny paradox that it was so hard for me to relax because it was hard for me to let things be easy. I thought that every thing took a lot of effort.
I couldn’t believe that I could have such immediate and powerful results from a seemingly simple process of listening to my sensations and using them to give my body what it wanted.
Many times what my body wanted surprised me, or seemed hilarious. My subconscious seemed like this alien that was living in me; it was not the “me” that I identified with, yet it seemed to be living in me, generating these images and emotions and ideas that “I” did not create.
And this was the time that I learned about the genetic trait of sensory sensitivity.
I found the work of psychologist and researcher Dr. Elaine Aron about the “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP). It was the culmination of much personal study I had done on genetic sensitivity.
I had found out about being genetically sensitive to gluten (protein in wheat), genetically more susceptible to rumination (analyzing), and many other clues that pointed to me having a very different physical makeup related to loads of autoimmune disorders I experienced.
Finding this work on HSPs brought it all together. Understanding that I had a more highly sensitive nervous system that I was born with really helped it all click into place.
I learned that life is easier than I think it is. Thinking about life is hard. But life already is. It’s already happening. That’s easy.
I discovered that highly sensitive people seem to develop backwards compared to traditional theories. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that in order to develop as people, we must meet certain needs in a certain order, starting with physiological needs.
Well, I find that HSPs actually start at the top with transcendence needs and work down to the physiological needs last.
As a highly sensitive person, I am starting out with all this raw sensation at the transcendent level. It is up to me to self-actualize it and bring it into my body to feel it there, then bring it to thought and belief, and on down the levels to get a physiological manifestation.
And, it is so easy to just stay at the top, to stay in my head with it.
What a revelation to realize that there is nothing “wrong” with me, and all my thinking. It’s just the way I am built. And, I just hadn’t gone far enough with what I was sensing. I don’t start out at the physiological level, and I am not meant to!
In all my personal work and my work with highly sensitive clients, I have learned a few tricks at working better with sensitivity that I want to share with you. And, even if you are not genetically highly sensitive with a sensory sensitive nervous system, you are sensitive.
All human beings can sense, it just may not be what you start with if you are not highly sensitive.
What is sensitivity?
Sensitivity is your ability to pick up on sensory information with your nervous system. It is neutral. It’s like a sensitive microphone; it picks up on subtle sounds. Not good or bad.
What kinds of sensory things can you pick up on?
Your sensitive nervous system can pick up on other people’s emotions, the weather, lighting, sounds, smells, and more. I think of the human body like a vessel for receiving information, and your nervous system is your antennae bringing in that information. You can then process it in your body with your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions.
Why do we so often think of sensitivity as weakness?
We often think of sensitivity as weakness for three main reasons: it is out of our logical control, it makes us vulnerable, and we don’t know what to do with it, which means that we suppress and judge it—so it has manifested in weakness.
What can I do now to start to experience my sensitivity with greater strength?
Understand the difference between a sensation and an emotion.
A sensation is neutral sensory information in your body (butterflies in stomach, tension in shoulders, pit in stomach). An emotion is a personal response to a sensation (I personally feel scared about this).
Allow yourself to feel your sensations neutrally and engage with them.
For example, “I feel my body shaking right now, and that is okay. I can shake.” Rather than judging it by saying, “Why am I shaky right now? What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t be nervous now!”
Remind your self that you are a participant in life, not just an observer.
I liken this to being on the chessboard of life rather than just looking at it from above. Allow yourself to notice what you feel in response to the position you are in. There are actual energetic dynamics that you will feel based on where you are physically in your life. Ask yourself “What would feel better right now?” and then just let that come to you.
You really can trust yourself; your body knows more than you think. Your nervous system is getting a lot. Trust it. Trust is a practice. It’s a work out. Start where you are and take a step in the direction of trusting your body and what it is telling you.
That is how you strengthen the connection with your body. The present is here for you to unwrap in each surprising moment.
Photo by Helga Weber
About Ane Axford
Ane Axford is a highly sensitive person & licensed psychotherapist who's leading the Sensitive Revolution to change the way that we use sensitivity. She is the creator of sensitive + thriving where she teaches Sensitive Leadership, has a live weekly show, an Atlas full of sensitive resources, and a lot more.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I am pretty sure I’m sensitive (I get overwhelmed easily, people’s moods affect me more than they affect many of my friends) but I don’t cry easily. I suspect that’s something I trained myself to do.
“thinking about how to fix myself was my main pastime.”
This is very timely for me, because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I always assume others know things better than me (I’ve never even articulated it, but there’s this assumption that other people deserve to get their dream job, have close friends, have interesting relationships, travel… but I don’t know what I’m doing so I will have to catch up and be less awkward and be more perfect).
I think I’ll check out your website.
I never heard of “HSP” before it was interesting and helpful to read about it. Thank you for writing this.
I’ve heard of HSP before but I’ve never read more into it.
I’m the most sensitive person I know. Almost everything you described here could have been written by me. I am completely amazed. (I totally typed amazing at first, haha.)
Maybe I need to see if I am genetically sensitive to anything as well. Because even when I eat well, it just does not seem to help that part of me.
Thanks so much for this. I’m saving it in my bookmarks!!!
I just had to read this post. When I saw it was about HSP, I immediately assumed it was about introverts like myself. Susan Cain in her book, Quiet, seems to interchangeably use the the terms introverts and HSP.
I think it’s because introverts shy away from crowds and too much noise because too much of it and too much socializing drains our energy I didn’t actually think there was a physiological aspect to it. Interesting….
I am a HSP and feel less alone in the world after reading this. Thank you for doing this work.
So glad to hear this Jaclyn! Glad to be connected. This work is my passion. And bringing HSPs together through Sensitive Leadership is my love.
Glori, introversion and high sensitivity are different. But, it can be tricky to tell apart. About 70% of HSPs are introverts, but there are some highly sensitive extraverts. High sensitivity is about what your nervous system picks up, introversion is about where you go to recharge. Introverts go within and extraverts go out. The balance between being “in” and “out” is always a tricky one for HSPs because they do need alone time to process what their sensitivity has picked up on…so that can make them all look like introverts. Susan Cain does talk about high sensitivity in her book too. It is helpful to know all these pieces and pull them apart for yourself because understanding our personalities, therefore what works for us and why, can make a huge world of difference. Though, teasing out all these characteristics can be tricky 😉
Sorry, don’t know why my picture didn’t post before.
You are amazing too 🙂 And, yes, understanding what foods work with a sensitivity body can make such a big difference to so much of your life (mental and emotional health as well as physical symptoms). Going gluten-free changed everything for me. For others, going dairy-free was big. This post may be helpful to you as you start that process :: http://sensitiveandthriving.com/2011/05/highly-sensitive-physical-health-the-motherload.html
You are very welcome! Glad it was helpful. I think that the more of us that can understand about this, the better off we all are. Thanks for reading.
I have found that as I got older I started to get plain ol’ wore out and in a way that has helped me because instead of trying to analyze, predict, and control any discomfort that might arise, I have to let life happen. And as it happens organically I find that the sky doesn’t fall, I will get through any discomfort when it rears its ugly head, and everything will eventually be alright.
That assumption is a big one! I used to feel that way too. That others were just more important than me, more of a person than me. It can be easy to sit on the sidelines when you are highly sensitive. I have lots of resources at my site to help you start understanding this trait better. It is a whole world-view shift to understand yourself as a HSP. It’s like realizing that you ARE an alien. So educating yourself is the very important first step. Then it gets easier to put your life in perspective for you, how you do things, and define success on your own terms. Then you can lead with your sensitivity and it feels good. Much love on your journey and I am glad to be connected 🙂
Love that! Keeping yourself engaged and busy with life is a great strategy for that. It was a really powerful realization for me to see that the sky didn’t fall when I let go…even though I didn’t want to let go at first.
I’m HSP and reading about others with it always helps. I have it in control most of the time but certain situations make it worse so I try to learn to deal with it. Sitting by myself and calming down helps. Taking an ativan can help in extreme situations. The hardest part is that many of my friends still don’t “get” it and get frustrated by it but I try to explain it to them when I can, that helps a little.
Robin, yes, it can be very overwhelming at times. But, there are definitely ways to use it on purpose, and then it really can be a super power. It is a big learning process, lots of trial and error. And yeah, friends and family who don’t get it is always tough. It feels like you just want to explain it and have them get it and treat you differently. Unfortunately, that’s often not the case. I have found that it’s actually better NOT to talk with friends and family especially when you are first exploring the trait for yourself. They may just fight you on it and if you are just figuring it out and validating your way of being for the first time, that may be too tender of a time to have that fight. I find that once you start experimenting and living your life in a way that works for you, then they start to notice and then you can have a more productive conversation when they come to you about what’s new. Much love to you. You can do it, and it gets better and better. It seems that it can make the first part of our lives very difficult and the last part amazing. We seem to live backwards in every way possible.
This is me, I always knew I was. I just thought I was crazy. I could read a whole book on this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel like I just opened a very heavy door and light is pouring in.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
So much in here makes sense…even the autoimmune conditions and the break down of life as I knew it.
I am more in tune with my body now than I have ever been and still at it!
I think this article just changed my life. Thank you. I am so excited to hear that this is a genetic thing and not something “wrong” with me. All my life my mom has told me I am “too sensitive” which just made me feel worse. In therapy for Depression & Anxiety, part of which has been accepting my sensitivity. To think that the sensitivity is the catalist for the depression/anxiety though and not the other way around, this could be a huge game change! Just called my doctor to talk about HSP and Dr. Aron. I am just so excited about this and the possibility of finally getting control of my life!
I, too, have always been a HSP. Thank you for writing this article and for reminding me that I can separate the information from my feelings.
Sally, you are so welcome!! Understanding the difference between sensory info and emotions was epic for me.
YAY! Katie, awesome. You are welcome. I love to see HSPs liberated and empowered. Understanding this changes everything. Much love to you as you learn to live in a way that works for YOU.
You are so welcome, Maria. It is a lifelong process, I imagine. I learn so much every day. It’s great to be connected to other HSPs and share insights.
Mandy, I am working on a book now about my story and my work, which I am very excited about. But, Dr. Elaine Aron has a number of books on the trait itself. You may find one or more of them helpful. Understanding is key, I am so glad to hear that the light is coming in now. Much love <3
This is a wonderful article..Thank you for taking the time to write & share! I personally connect with almost everything to what you described as traits in HSP. I have often been described as ” too sensitive” as young as I could remember. I internalized these messages and perceived this trait to be a negative in myself..along came the self-judgment, closing myself off in fear of being vulnerable (further judged), and rumination over every conversation-analyzing what I said, what I should have said, replaying what the person looked like..exhausting! I am now a practicing therapist and find my career to be a perfect fit for my personality style. My empathetic & sensitive nature has found a home. I work with many clients who are HSP as well. My own therapy has helped me to understand & accept my biology and my therapist had recommend the book, “Quiet” as well. I still ruminate on conversations/situations from time to time..but I don’t fight it now..the fighting makes my sensitivity louder. I choose to accept it- and yes engage (as you said) or talk gently to the sensation. You spoke about gluten sensitivity…and ironically I scheduled an appointment for an food allergy sensitivity test..I have a sensitive stomach & sensitive skin. I often wondered if it was something in my diet that could be aggravating my already sensitive biology. I have my appointment is a couple weeks~ I am really looking forward to it, and will share the results. As much as HSP can be exhausting, it has many gifts to. I encourage all of you to find the gifts in it 🙂 Cheers.
I first discovered I was an HSP last year when Bridget (from Intuitive Bridge) linked to your site on Twitter. I spent the rest of the day reading through your site and I bought Dr. Aron’s book that same day. Nothing I have ever discovered about myself has helped me as much as finding out I was an HSP has. I’m so appreciative of your work and your site is fantastic. I also follow you on Facebook and enjoy your posts. Thank you for making a “home” for us HSPs online! Much love.
Wow, thanks Alannah! Much love to you. It’s great that we are all coming together in understanding and empowerment.
You are most welcome! Yes, many therapists are highly sensitive. That was my original training as well. And, that was one of the main reasons I do what I do now, so many clients were highly sensitive. It made me realize that there is more to understand than just learn to cope with. Good luck with your allergy test. Reactions happening in the gut can affect your liver and lead to skin reactions as well. They are very linked. Simple diet changes can make a huge difference. But do note that allergies are different than food sensitivities and intolerances, some tests won’t help you see that. Keep going until you find a resolution, sometimes docs don’t know what to look for. Glad to be connected and grateful for the work you are doing. It is a gift indeed 🙂
Ane, I am so thankful you posted this. While reading, it honestly felt like I was reading my own words and experiences and even observations that I had not yet put into words. I am doing research on further reading on your website and might even do your program because lately, I have not known where to turn to because I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was wrong. I know I have been analyzing life instead of experiencing it, and getting “sideswiped by inexplicable emotions at inconvenient times” could be the title of my memoir! I feel so full of hope right now because I think I may be on the right track to figuring out how to thrive (instead of “fix” myself, the way I have been trying to). Thank you Ane 🙂
I am an HSP as well! When is your show scheduled? Do you know of any HSP psycotherapists in Houston Texas??
Hi there, Discovering that I am an HSP, reading both Dr. Aron’s books, and learning to honour and protect my sensitivity was the key to healing myself from a chronic health condition which was diagnosedas fibromyalgia.
The tool I used, rather than hypnosis, was EFT (or ‘Meridian
Tapping’) and I’m indebted to Rue Hass, a US EFT Master who specialises
in EFT for the Highly Sensitive Temperament. Of all the people I have
encountered with chronic fatigue, the vast majority consider themselves
to have this temperament. It is not coincidence. Our busy, modern,
harsh world is not a good fit with our needs and our bodies try to keep
us safe. I share this in the hope that others for whom this triggers
recognition (for themselves or for a family member, friend or child)
might learn more about this recognised temperament and begin the journey
towards celebrating it rather than feeling there’s something wrong with
you/them.
As a mum of young children I also have a particularly good radar for highly sensitive children I encounter and, when I hear them being labelled as
shy/clingy/fussy/whatever, I often gently recommend the HSC book. I’ve
loaned my copy to a number of parents who often say it has helped
them understand their child better. Some have even admitted they’ve
stopped trying to change their child’s nature to fit in with what
society expects children to be/do. This ‘moulding’ is often done with the best
intentions of ‘toughening them up’ or preparing them for ‘the real
world’ but sends a devastating message to the child that they aren’t
loved exactly as they are (and because they are so sensitive they can
pick up on the most subtle signs and cues). I’m doing my little bit but hope to set up as an EFT practitioner here in the UK this year to make more of a difference. Reading your article has helped me clarify my passion for working with HSPs. Thank you. <3
This is well timed! Coming up to Christmas my already sensitive senses really go to town! I felt like I was reading about myself, and I can relate to most of the other comments here. Really pleased to hear you have a website, Will be heading there now. I have suspected for some time that I fall under the category HSP and like many others I have been told “you are too sensitive” and of course being a woman there are also the comments about hormones and the likes. I have also been trying to “fix myself” for many years now. “There is something wrong with me” and “Why am I not normal like other people” are common statements in conversations with myself. There is an upside of course, some examples of what I see as “normal” can be rather undesirable 🙂 and I also am pretty good at picking up on things before other people, sometimes I can’t even articulate how I have picked up on it. I am sure others here can relate. Thank you for your touching article. And hello to all the other HSP folk 🙂
Oh my god. I’d never heard of this until reading this article, and it made me wonder if I could be HSP. So I took a look at your website, and realized I am. I have been fighting this since I was a child, forcing my sensitivity so deep down that I don’t even feel my true emotions underneath my thick exterior shell. If I allow myself to feel those inner feelings, I realize I’m in a lot of pain, but I feel completely fine on the surface and I didn’t understand it at all. Now I finally found the answer. I can be myself and be ok. This is going to take some work, but I’m so relieved to be able to start on this path. Thank you so much for this.
tran”s”cendence! plz check typos….
I’m thinking I’m either this, or have Borderline Personality Disorder, which also sounds completely like me. Do you think there would be any correlation there? I know that as a child I was definitely very shy and intense (my father used to use the word “introspective” to describe me when I was 9), but once I hit college, my shyness dissipated a bit, while depression and anxiety took over. I think now I align more closely with BPD, but as a child-throughout high school, I definitely aligned way more with being a HSP. Regardless, I do feel ‘crazy,’ and that I ‘think too much’, ‘have no personality’, etc (unfortunately those are all things people in my life have told me). Being unaware of what exactly is going on with me or the root cause (BPD, HSP, depression, anxiety), I’m not sure where that leaves me now to treat things? I want to start getting my life in order, and I want to feel like a real person. Some days I feel like I never will, but I hope that that’s not the case.
I started out reading your post as something to do at 3 am when I can’t sleep since my mind was racing, tummy was protesting, and sleep was alluding me. I expected to read a post describing my adopted mom. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to see myself in your writing. I am pretty mind blown right now.
I had never heard of HSP. I fully plan to look into it more now. At 35 I have been trying harder and harder to find my truth. The truth instead is finding me. Thank you for sharing this. It has opened up this girls eyes!
Please can you clarify: Do you mean ‘neutral trait’ or ‘neural trait’? Thank you,
‘I also used to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, so thinking about how to fix myself was my main pastime.’ Thats just me..always wondering whats wrong with me..
It may seem paradoxical, but the best thing I did was learn to focus on pleasure NOT perfection. What I want instead of what will fix me. As you can see with the hierarchy of needs, you have to meet your aesthetic needs before you can move any further down. That means what you see as beautiful, desirable, and pleasurable. For help with that, you can check out my sensitive services :: http://sensitiveandthriving.com/services
I mean neutral, like having brown hair is neutral. It’s not good or bad. It is also very much neurological though too.
I am SO glad to hear that Christina! And, I definitely understand and relate to being awake at 3am with a racing mind. It gets better. Much love as you let your truth in 🙂
Elizabeth, this is an important question, I think. It is in my opinion that many people struggling with mental health issues are highly sensitive and they have not gotten their needs met. High sensitivity is different than disorder and is not a disorder, but disorders may form if you are highly sensitive and are in traumatic or under-served situations. Highly sensitive people are more responsive to learning from their environments on deep levels. So, I find that it is important to work with a therapist who understands sensitivity to resolve some of these issues. Also, it is common that high sensitivity is misdiagnosed as all kinds of disorders. I recommend educating your self about the trait so that you can start to release some of the shame and judgment about it and know what is a healthy part of being a highly sensitive person and what areas are not healthy that you may want to work with moving through. If you join my newsletter I always announce new service offerings and you can also see about current service offerings at my website :: http://www.sensitiveandthriving.com
Thanks for the reminder 🙂
You are welcome Andrea! Yes, it is a path to connect that inner and outer world, but it can be done and it is so worth it. The world needs what’s in you.
You are welcome 🙂 Glad this resonated Toni and glad to be connected! Yes, there are lots of resources on my site. There is a lot to being highly sensitive, it’s a whole lifestyle. And reframing your worldview is so important. Big first step. And I still find funny hang ups about ways I am still seeing myself through the perceived dominant culture, and then I have to reframe once again. It is important to understand that it is not a weakness or disorder, but rather has it’s own benefits and precautions…just like anything else. Understanding what those are and navigating them brings it all out of shame and into more practical steps.
Andie, I love connecting with other people working with HSPs! Thank you for your work. Yes, EFT can be SOOOO helpful. And HS children are so misunderstood. What a champion you are and I am so glad to be connected. Fibromyalgia is something I experienced as well, and is common for HSPs. Or rather, many with fibro are HSPs. There are specific reasons I have found for that, this article may be helpful for what you are doing :: http://sensitiveandthriving.com/2011/05/highly-sensitive-physical-health-the-motherload.html
You can see my most recent show here and also sign up to get notified about others :: https://new.livestream.com/accounts/2082677/events/1713476
It is always 12 ET on Sunday, but you can watch the recording for up to a month. I don’t know of any HSP therapists there, but am working on putting a network together. So make sure you are signed up for my newsletter to hear about that when it’s ready. You can do that at my website :: http://www.sensitiveandthriving.com
Sharon, that’s wonderful! You are so welcome and I am so glad to hear this. It’s been a process for me, but I can definitely so how I am living more now than ever and that it is so possible and so worth it. Much love on your journey.
Also, to further clarify, it means that it is not a disorder or disease. It’s not a malfunction. It’s neutral.
Elizabeth, sorry, I thought I responded to this. But, I don’t see my response. So you may get a double response. Yes, I do think there is a correlation. I think that many people struggling with disorder are highly sensitive people who have either been through trauma or in some way not had their needs met. HSPs are more responsive to both traumatic stimuli as well as resourceful stimuli. So, things can affect HSPs in a way that they would not others…and things that are mildly traumatic for others can be intensely traumatic for HSPs. I want to clarify though, that the trait itself is not a disorder. It is a neutral genetic trait that predisposes you to take things in deeper. Many people who have been diagnosed with disorders are actually just highly sensitive and not experiencing disorder. SO, it is important to learn about the trait and tease apart the things that are a natural, healthy aspect of being highly sensitive and the things that are unhealthy. A highly sensitive therapist can help with that. I am hoping to have more resources that can direct you to such therapists in the future, for now you can check out the services I have :: http://www.sensitiveandthriving.com/services
After reading your post, your website, and Dr Aron’s website I think I’m a HSM. What really hit home with me was the feeling that this world isn’t built for me, the feeling of being an alien/weird. I’ve taken a lot of personality tests that have all come up as intp which admittedly fits me pretty close but still felt off. I won’t lie I’ve been fighting against my nature for a very long time now and taking the possibility of being a HSP and a male into consideration I may have been doing it far longer than I’ve realized. I’ve also pretty sure that at least for the past decade or so I’ve been operating in the shadow modes of both. I try not to put labels on myself so as not to rely on excuses but I hope that through more research I might can understand myself better.
Thank you for your post.