“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer
“You’re too quiet.”
This comment and others like it have plagued me almost all my life. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I needed to come out of my shell, to be livelier, or to talk more.
As a child and teenager, I allowed these remarks to hurt me deeply. I was already shy, but I became even more self-conscious as I was constantly aware of people waiting for me to speak.
When I did, the response was often, “Wow! Louise said something!”
This would make me just want to crawl back into my shell and hide. I became more and more reserved.
The older I got, the angrier I became. Each time someone told me I was “too quiet,” I wondered what exactly they were hoping to achieve anyway. Did they imagine I had a magic button I could press that would turn me into Miss Showbiz?
If only it were that simple, I thought. I felt I should be accepted as I was, but apparently that wasn’t going to happen. There was only one thing for it; I would have to become the extrovert the world wanted me to be, but how?
At seventeen, I thought I’d found the perfect solution: alcohol.
When I was drunk, everyone seemed to like me. I was fun and outgoing; able to talk to anyone with no problems at all. However, it began to depress me that I needed a drink to do this or for anyone to like me.
Another strategy was to attach myself to a more outgoing friend. I did this at school, university, and later when I began to travel a lot in my twenties.
Although I didn’t do it consciously, wherever I went I would make friends with someone much louder than me. Then I’d become their little sidekick, going everywhere with them, trying to fit in with all their friends, and even adopting aspects of their personality.
Sometimes I just tried faking it.
When I was twenty-four, I began teaching English as a Foreign Language, and a month into my first contract in Japan, I was told my students found me difficult to talk to. I was upset because I thought I had made an effort to be friendly and I didn’t understand what else I could do.
After crying all night because once again I wasn’t good enough, I went into work the next day determined to be really lively and talkative. Of course, it didn’t work because everyone could see I was being false.
It seemed that I was doomed. I would never be accepted. Being a naturally loud person was the only way to be liked.
Or maybe not.
Over the years, I’ve spoken to several talkative, extroverted people who’ve been told they’re too loud or that they talk too much. It seems whatever personality you’ve got you’re always going to be “too much” of something for someone.
What really matters is: do you think you need to change?
My shyness has made some areas of my life more difficult. It’s something I’ve been working on all my life and I always will be in order to do all the things I want to do.
However, I’ve realized I’m always going to be an introvert, which is not the same thing.
I enjoy going out and socializing, but I also enjoy being alone. At work I talk to people all day, every day. I like my job, but as an introvert, I get tired after all that interaction, so later I need some quiet time to “recharge my batteries.”
I can overcome my shyness. I can’t overcome my introversion, but actually, I wouldn’t want to because I’m happy being this way.
Be kind to yourself if you decide to change.
While I’m still shy, I no longer worry about it. When speaking to new people, if something comes out wrong or I get my words mixed up, I just laugh to myself about my nervousness rather than telling myself how weird the other person must’ve thought I was.
In the past I was terrified of any form of public speaking. Now my job is getting up in front of people and talking. After a rocky start in Japan, my students now see me as funny (sometimes!) and confident.
So I think I’m doing alright. No, I don’t understand why I can’t just be like that with everyone, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do.
Don’t be afraid to lose false friends.
When you’re always being told you’re too much of this or not enough of that, it’s easy to start thinking you have to be grateful that anyone is willing to spend time with you.
I used to put up with friends who treated me badly because I thought if I stood up for myself, I’d lose their friendship and I’d end up all alone.
Eventually, in my last year teaching abroad, I did stand up for myself and my worst fear came true. I was left completely friendless.
And you know what? It was okay. The time alone taught me to enjoy my own company, and gave me the chance to learn more about myself. This has gradually led to me attracting more positive people into my life.
Could your supposed weakness actually be your strength?
I’m a good listener, so friends feel able to talk to me if they have a problem and they know I’m not going to tell anyone.
I’m an efficient worker because I just get on with the job. I can empathize with shy students in my class. I don’t force them to speak but leave them alone, knowing that they’ll talk when they feel more comfortable.
There’s a reason why you were made the way you are. If we were all supposed to be the same, we would be.
I’ve stopped trying to make everyone like me and I’ve stopped trying to be something I’m not. As a result, any changes in my character happen naturally as my confidence continues to grow.
The “quiet” comments are also now few and far between. When you learn to accept yourself, you’re likely to find that others will accept you too.
But if they don’t, it really doesn’t matter.
About Louise Watson
Louise Watson is a writer and meditation teacher living in Hampshire, UK.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Very nice read.
my story is kinda same..i am tired of being misunderstood my whole life..not even my mom understands me well..when i try to be calm and detached, people think me having too much attitude,,, when i try to talk and be friendly ..i am branded as wishy-washy.As a female, if i try to express my opinion , then i am branded as arrogant.I am like tired of being tagged all the time.Now I feel detached to everyone.I like being alone and I hardly feel the need of people.Staying alone has made me much stronger and wiser than I used to be.Most of the friends people have are false, after all everyone is selfish.I have never tried to harm anyone, but people always tried to harm me, imposing their jealousies and hatred on me.It really makes me upset sometimes thinking human race is so stupid, shallow and evil.
I have a son who is just like you and we are constantly fussing at him to speak more. I guess my first instinct as his mother is to worry that he may be depressed. I’ve always taken up for him by saying that at least when he does speak it’s always something clever. He doesn’t feel the need to speak and fill the air with nonsense. After reading your article I will try to have even more compassion for him.
Check out the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain. Might be worth a read to better understand your son.
Thanks for reading and I’m glad it’s had a positive effect. In addition to the “Quiet” book Phil mentioned you could also look at “The Introvert’s Way” by Sophia Dembling, which is really good.
Thank you!
It’s very hard to accept yourself when society pressures you to be like everyone else. Even with me, It’s hard enough to be accepted when people don’t accept you for who you are
I can so relate to your post Louise. All of my life I had thought I was shy and then discovered really I was an introvert, this understanding helped answer a lot of questions I had. I prefer to sit and read or contemplate, I prefer the company of one other person rather than a crowd.
Knowing yourself certainly makes life more simple and you gain confidence in yourself as a result. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, I am sure you will be successful…
Thankyou..I have heard the the same comment..too quiet..my whole life..and I’m 61…
also became a teacher for 30 years to face it and try to overcome it..now retired I
still get the comments and just accept it..appreciate your words..
Thank you for your post! I also struggled with this when I was a kid and teen and now it doesn’t bother me so much — I’ve just accepted that I communicate when I’m comfortable with those around me, and that doesn’t happen right away as it seems to for others. We’re out there and we can certainly lead successful, content lives!
I can relate to this post a lot, as a fellow introvert/quiet person. I do like socializing and all, but it can make me tired sometimes and I need my alone time. Growing up, I felt wrong in ways. I always had people asking me why I was so quiet, shocked when I spoke etc. I also had some people try to convince me I had a problem and needed to see a doctor about it, as if it was a disease I needed to cure. I’m fine with my quiet self though, even if I still get those kind of comments sometimes.
I really like the article! I feel like I have just the same personality as you!
Louise, you might enjoy reading the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. It’s about being an introvert in a world where extroverts are highly valued. I am an introvert and this book helped me a lot.
I just had a break up with my boyfriend he was very verbally abusive and threatened to leave in the relationship, he always made me feel I wasn’t good enough or I would be in pain if I’d loose him. He kept making me feel insecure about myself and kept threatening me . Pls suggest what is the right thing to do ??? He has threatened to leave me in this relationship??
let him go, dear heart !- you are able to be on your own, whether he wants you to think so or not. Love doesn’t threaten or abuse…
Thanks for your article. I still get, the you are “too quiet” phrase. I am working on accepting myself and loving the way I am.
I wish people would understand this basic fact: if you nag and badger at someone to be different than they are, the effect will be the exact opposite of what you want. They won’t want to be around you, they won’t see you as supportive, they’ll resent it (and you), and they’ll feel badly about themselves. Seriously.
I’ve always had people tell me this, too, and i had the same experience as you did: I just decided I was too flawed to exist. I don’t understand why anyone thinks they have the right to tell someone to be different than they are.
If people are telling you to be different, it’s because how you are makes them uncomfortable and they’re too immature to realize it’s their issue, not yours.
Kudos to you from a card carrying introvert who spent a lot of years trying to be an extrovert!
I’m curious as to a female perspective on this. I was recently in a relationship that ended because my gf perceived that because of my introversion, it meant that I didn’t care and therefore did not feel enough of an emotional connection to me. In general, I believe women tend to grow closer through communication, whereas men prefer to do activities together. Am I doomed?
Thanks. This is particularly difficult for me because as a guy, shyness = weakness = lack of masculinity. Do you know what I mean?
Agree on all counts
Thanks, Joan!
Hi Suzanne, yeah i’ve read that book, it also helped me after the last ‘quiet’ comment I got. If you haven’t read it already, i’d also recommend Sophia Dembling’s ‘The Introverts way’.
I like what you said about the difference between shyness and introversion. I have made great strides in overcoming my shyness, however I will always be an introvert. I don’t see that as a bad thing at all anymore. The introverts of the world are the artists and the deep thinkers. I think of Carl Jung, who I think invented the term “introvert”. It can be a bit lonely though, because I want to share my thoughts with others but it is hard to find anyone who is interested in discussing dream interpretation, psychology, and alternative spirituality. So people think I am a bit weird, but that is okay by me. I come by my weirdness honestly, this is how God made me! Besides who gets to define weirdness anyway!
Just wanted to say thank you for you article. I’m also an introverted (and often shy) EFL teacher. I nearly didn’t become a teacher because I thought I was ‘too quiet’. Then in my 30s I realised it is better to be happy being myself than unhappy trying to fit in with others’ expectations. It’s so nice to read your positive thoughts. Good luck with your writing.
Wow, someone that’s actually like me. I’m also introverted by nature. Like you, I’ve developed myself to the stage where I am sociable without being an extrovert. But I’ll never be the life of the party and I don’t want to be the life of the party. Growing up, it was a struggle because I was the only introvert among my siblings and like you, I got the ”you’re so quiet” all the time. I still do. In a world that doesn’t really understand introverts, people cannot understand that as introverts, we really do derive strength from our own company. They automatically assume that you’re miserable and lacking in excitement. The truth is that to an introvert, recharging the batteries in peace and quiet is exciting. Being the life of the party is draining. Introversion is not the same as being a depressed loner. Both introversion and extroversion have their pros and cons and must be adapted, but there is a place for all of us in this world. As you said, I have learnt to accept myself. Thanks for this great post.
Excellent post…and speaking as a fellow introvert…I have also experienced much of what you describe. I remember taking a quiz at school after the teacher described the difference between introverts and extroverts…and “cheating” on the answers because she made introvert sound so awful…I knew it would be failing the test to be an introvert. Yes, self acceptance is key. For kids we (introverts) need to be vocal and “out there”…so a natural way of being does not engender shame and low self-esteem as it has for so many of us.
Another great book abour being a quiet person is ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ by Elaine Aron. It explains that being a senstive person/quiet/introvert is a positive trait to have. After reading this book I feel more confident in my ‘quiet’ personality and see the benefits I, and others like me, have.
As someone who speaks more, I can appreciate this article, Louise 🙂 And will keep this in mind when speaking to friends who are not as outgoing or talkative. They probably don’t appreciate the teasing and more than likely, hear it from a lot of people in their lives.
Your bigger points of being who you are and not apologizing about that is sound advice for anyone and everyone. We are each unique individuals and don’t have to conform for the sake of others. We should change because we want to and not because others want us too. As you point out, our weaknesses can really be our strengths and help us maintain our uniqueness in the world.
I think I’m a little more vocal and rebellious than others in my family. Now, I do work that helps the marginalized members of our society. And do work that requires me to stand up for those who are regularly taken advantage of, who have limited rights or no voice. I can advocate for them b/c of a strength my family regularly believed was a weakness:)
Run as far away as you can from this “man”. I too was in your shoes. It took me a long time (too long) to realize what he was doing – he was controlling me. I starts off with them lowering your self esteem until your virtually wipped. Then they start to control you, it got worse as time when on – my hair, my clothes, food, sex, etc. I finally realized what was happening and ran for the hills. Now that I’ve had time to reflect I realize just how bad it was, how he manipulated me. I’m an educated women with a high-level job and thought I knew better. I didn’t. I was so blind. Don’t ‘let him leave’ – kick his abusive ass to the street! Please, you must do this for yourself.
I’m so glad that has come across- I really wanted this post to be more inclusive but it went down the introvert road as that was my story.
Thank you!
Yes, I can see that it must be more difficult for men in some ways. I remember spreaking to a male friend at university who said the same thing.
Thank you for putting yourself out there by writing this article. You have helped others, and me, by doing so. Keep up the good work!
Louise,
Firstly, great post!
What did catch my attention was when you stated you began ‘teaching English as a foreign language’ This is because I am currently studying to qualify in TEFL and applying for jobs over in Asia.
The next similarity was a little more scary, I noticed that you live in Bournemouth, so do I! I presumed a lot of readers and authors on this site were from the other side of the world so it was crazy to think this was written by someone so close, I live in Winton just outside of the main town.
Anyway I would love to talk to you more about your TEFL experience, if you are willing to help then you can reach me on adamfmaton@gmail.com
Thanks again
Adam
Wow, yes I can relate. All my life I’ve been told there’s something wrong with me and so in the end I believed it! “Your quiet” “Why don’t you talk much?” “Your weird” I find it rather difficult to find acceptance from others. Hopefully one day I can reach a place where other peoples opinions won’t effect me as much
Thank you, Louise. Such a helpful article once again reminding me that I’m not alone in worrying what other people think, and that it’s a waste of good energy. All best wishes, Kate.
Great article. I know how you feel. I grew up shy and no one can tell that I was shy growing up because I’ve learned to accept myself as I am, quietness included, which seemed to help others accept me as I am too. Thank you for sharing!
Wow. Did I need to read this today. Thank you for slipping into my mind, and exposing a little of my inner world. It made me feel a lot less alone in the sense that someone knows exactly what I’m going through!
Thank you for saying that. That’s what I wanted to do
Completely relate to this article! In fact, I once wrote a blog that started off very similarly, if that tells you how much I relate. As a child, I was very shy and quiet. Other kids made fun of me, even teachers made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable. I also drank when I was younger to come out of my shell….and now I have the opposite problem because people find me TOO outspoken, TOO talkative etc. I always feel like I am TOO much of something. But the advantages (like with this author) is that I now am able to better communicate with people who have trouble. I live in a city (and work with) a great deal of immigrants who are still learning English. I have so much compassion for them when they struggle with words and try to make them feel the comforts that often missed out on when I was younger and struggled with my shyness. This is more important to me than being accepted by people who judge me. There are definitely a lot of days that I feel I have ruined my chances of potential friendships because of the fact that I am very direct, blunt and not shy to express myself but at the same time, I don’t want people in my life if they can’t accept me for who I am. So loved this article! Great job.
Today I came to the realization that accepting myself as an introvert was the best decision I’ve made. For a large chunk of my life I have been badgered for being quiet. Today I was told by a classmate that I was “serious.” It was my first time talking to this person. Instead of getting defensive, I thought about it and thought to myself, well if that’s the worst thing she can say about me then that’s OK with me. Plus, what other people think about me is none of my business. I relish in being an introvert because I can see how that is one of my strengths. For one, I do not need very much social interaction to be happy. In fact, I don’t need much to be content. I enjoy my own company and have a handful of true friends that I can count on at any time. I also consider myself a great confidant, a great secret keeper and a person with many interests. Just because I do not divulge my opinions at everyone’s face does not make me any less normal. I feel the same emotions as extroverts do but I express it in a different way. Furthermore, being an introvert has not stopped me from achieving goals in life. I found a good partner who married me and loves me for me, I have a loving family, I live in a nice home, own a great pet and I am doing what I love for a living. What anyone else thinks of me is not that important anymore.
Louise,
I loved reading this post. I like the way you have accepted yourself and found your own happiness. Good for you! I struggle with the same thing. I was in a workplace where I had no one to talk to because everyone was charismatic and outgoing. I am introverted most of the time, and I tried to change that to acquire friends. Now I’m back to just accepting myself as the quiet guy. I want to grow and be happy, but I guess a leopard doesn’t change his spots. Thank you for sharing your story.
I was very introverted as a kid, but as I grew older, I found I enjoyed being social and talking to people more. Now, I just don’t give a shit. Nobody seems to respond to my input, so I just stopped talking unless absolutely necessary. I’m alone most of the day so it’s easy to just keep quiet.
this has touched me .. I am someone who I battling to accept my self… and to fit in with others ..its my first year at university and most of my time I find my self crying because of how other people see me and how they treat me…but now I am trying by all means to accept my self just the way I am… coz no o ne can change that
I don’t think you’re doomed at all but I do think introversion can make people
think we don’t care sometimes. I have this problem too so I don’t think it’s
just a man/woman thing. I guess it’s a matter of learning to communicate how we
feel without trying to be something we’re not.
Hi Shelley. Sorry to hear you’ve been having a hard time at uni. I spent most of my first year drunk to get over my shyness -it sounds as though you’re doing better than me in the sense that you’re just accepting yourself rather than trying to change. Things will get easier and remember what others perceive as your weakness will turn out to be your strength. I’ve found as I’ve got older that fitting in is overrated, and I don’t think many people really feel that they belong anyway; that’s why they want so hard to fit in and criticise those that seem different.
Everyone has innate ways of going about life. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of Carol Tuttle, but she’s got a book called “It’s Just My Nature” which is absolutely fabulous. By learning about those core movements & energies I have learned to accept my natural disposition, love it, embrace it, and learn from it. I have also learned to appreciate how other people operate & come to love their perspective and way of doing things. I think you’d be particularly interested in what is called “Type 4” energy. 🙂
I still get told I talk too much, but hey, it is my favorite thing to do & it works well for me (Type 1 energy). Growing up though, I was very shy & didn’t speak up for myself at all. We all have struggles with “not enough” (scarcity) mentality and feelings of worthiness in regards to love. I’m glad you are finding your authentic self & embracing it.
Thank you for this article. I relate to this so much. I have always been shy and introverted and I also have a speech disorder and stuttered worse as a child so I was often very quiet then because it was just easier to not talk.
The little things that people used to say to me when I was younger used to cut deep. My least favourite quote that I have heard quite often and not always directed at me is “coming out of their shell”. It has such a negative tone to it. It’s been a long and slow process accepting myself for who I am and I am now 28 and in the last few years have been the easiest and I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders in the process.
I feel exactly the same about it being lonely. I have deep interests in same subjects but I can see peoples eyes glaze over if I even begin talking about anything like that…..and they’d rather gossip or make small talk about things no one really cares about….difficult to make new friends because I have no interest or know how to make small talk.