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8 Ways to Be More Confident: Live the Life of Your Dreams

“With realization of one’s own potential & self confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” ~Dalai Lama

For the vast majority of my life I didn’t believe I could do most of the things I wanted to do.

I knew I wanted to be in a relationship, but I feared that if I got into one I’d do something to mess it up.

I wanted to perform on Broadway, but even moving to New York City didn’t give me the courage to audition.

I wanted to be a writer, but I thought it was far too difficult to get published and therefore didn’t even try until my late twenties.

Maybe you’ve never been as unsure of yourself as I used to be, but you can likely relate to that feeling of wanting to do something but feeling terrified to start. This not only limits your potential in life; it also minimizes your ability to make a positive impact on the world around you.

There’s a lot that goes into overcoming those fears. You may need to challenge limiting beliefs formed years ago, or take yourself out of a situation where other people undermine your abilities. One thing that will definitely help is working on your confidence.

Not sure if confidence can be learned? I asked this question on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page to see what readers had to say and then used some of their responses to shape the steps outlined below:

1. Tap into the confidence you were born with.

I feel it’s something that is always there, something you’re born with that gets lost along the way, or stolen by others. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find it again. ~Amy Lee Tempest

You didn’t come out of the womb unsure of your cry or insecure about your large umbilical cord. You came out blissfully unaware of external judgment, concerned only with your own experience and needs. I’m not suggesting that you should be oblivious to other people. It’s just that it may help to remember confidence was your original nature before time started chiseling away at it.

Once you developed a sense of self-awareness, you started forming doubts and insecurities about how other people saw you. You learned to crave praise and avoid criticism, and maybe you started getting down on yourself if you got more of the latter than the former.

When you start feeling unsure of yourself remember: we were all born with confidence, and we can all get it back if we learn to silence the thoughts that threaten it.

2. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

As you learn who you are, you gain confidence in your strengths and also learn your weaknesses. ~Angela Birt

Learning who you are doesn’t happen overnight. For one thing, it can be hard to know which parts of you are you, and which parts are who you think you should be.

A good start is to identify your strengths and weaknesses and then weigh those against what you enjoy. (If you’re great in sales, but you actually can’t stand sales jobs, then it doesn’t really matter if you have confidence there. Unless it’s all about ego—but does that really make you happy?)

It might help to list five things you do well that you enjoy and five things you’d like to do well. Make an effort to utilize some of the first list and work on some of the second every day. As you use your strengths and improve where there’s room to grow, you’ll develop both confidence and fulfillment simultaneously.

3. Expect success.

Confidence comes from success…But confidence also combines another quality because you can be successful, yet lack confidence. It requires a mental attitude shift to an expectation of success. And this alone, can bring about more success, reinforcing the confidence. It spirals from there. ~Jason Hihn

It might seem strange to say expect success since you can’t predict the future, but don’t we do the alternative all the time? Have you ever gone into a stressful situation assuming the worst—that something would go wrong?

Conventional wisdom suggests it’s smart to expect the worst because you won’t be disappointed if you fail and you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you succeed. But research suggests this isn’t universally true. Pessimism can undermine your performance creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Find the successes in every day and you’ll notice over time that they increase.

4. Trust your capabilities.

Confidence comes not from knowing you know everything, but from knowing you can handle what comes up. ~Donn King

No one in the world knows everything. Everyone is good at some things and not so good at others. Don’t weigh your security against what you know or can do; weigh it against your willingness and capacity to learn.

If someone criticizes you, take it as an opportunity to improve. If someone does better than you, see it as an opportunity to learn from them. If you fall short at something, realize you can get closer next time. Don’t worry if you’re not confident in what you can do now—be confident in your potential.

5. Embrace the unknown.

Confidence comes from a space of humility. It is spawned when we dare to see the world through an alternate lens. It grows when we have the courage to embrace the experience of the unknown and the unknowable. ~Hana Lee

People often think confidence means knowing you can create the outcome you desire. To some extent it does, but this idea isn’t universally true for anyone. No matter how talented, smart, or capable you are, you cannot predict or control everything that happens in your life.

Even confident people lose jobs, relationships, and sometimes, their health.

Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world. When you take that weight off your shoulders and realize that sometimes the twists and turns have nothing to do with what you did or should have done, it’s easier to feel confident in what you bring to the table.

6. Take risks.

Confidence is a funny thing. You go out and do the thing you’re most terrified of, and the confidence comes afterwards. ~Christopher Kaminski

If you always do things as you’ve always done them of course you won’t feel confident.

When I first moved to San Francisco, I was highly insecure with relationships. I’d moved a lot and spent years hopping around the country partly to avoid getting close to anyone. Eventually I realized the only way out was through. I’d never be good at relationships if I didn’t jump in, get messy, and learn what to do and not to do.

I had to crawl, walk, fall, and repeat to get comfortable with vulnerability and conflict. I made tons of mistakes, and a lot of it hurt. But I live a peopled life now, and it’s worth all the discomfort it took to get here.

7. Learn to receive praise.

Confidence is earned through positive recognition and reinforcement. ~Don La Franchi

It’s amazing how easy it is to believe all the negative things people say and yet discredit the positive. Taking a compliment is an art. Sometimes, it’s instinctive to assume they’re just being nice or that maybe you aren’t really skilled—you just got lucky.

Occasionally, this may be true, but for the most part you earn the praise you receive. Don’t talk yourself out of believing it. Instead, recycle it into confidence. You did a fantastic job on your project at work; that means you can do it again. You had an amazing performance; that means you can trust you’re talented.

Other people want you to succeed. Now you just have to believe them when they show you you’re worthy.

8. Practice confidence.

It can be practiced—and with that practice you will get better. ~Jacqueline Wolven

Like anything else in life, your confidence will improve with practice. A great opportunity to do this is when you meet new people. Just like if you were the new kid in school, they have no idea who you are—meaning you have an opportunity to show them.

As you shake their hand, introduce yourself, and listen to them speak, watch your internal monologue. If you start doubting yourself in your head, replace your thoughts with more confident ones. Ask yourself what a confident person would do and then try to emulate that.

Watch your posture and your tone. Hunching and mumbling will make you feel and look less confident, so stand up and speak slowly and clearly.

People are more apt to see you how you want to be seen if they suspect you see yourself that way.

You may have confidence in some areas and not in others; that’s how it works for most of us. Draw from those areas where you’re self assured.

If you feel inadequate in professional situations, recall how it feels physically when you’re confident in relationships. If you’re insecure in love, access what you feel when you’re comfortable around friends.

Above all, remember you are capable and worthy—just as much as anyone else, regardless of what you’ve achieved, regardless of what mistakes you’ve made. Knowing that intellectually is the first step to believing it in your heart. Believing it is the key to living it. And living it is the key to reaching your potential.

NOTE: I apologize if I did not respond to your comment. When the numbers get a little high, it can be hard to keep up! If you’d like to get personal advice, you may want to join the Tiny Buddha forums to get insight and support from the whole community.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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alexparr

Lori, what a great post and I will definitely take your advice.

You know that term “… stones will break my bones but words will never harm me” … what utter rubbish!

I remember when I was 16, my father told me that I was useless and there was nothing more he could do with me but send me to a finishing school and hopefully I'll find some man who'll take care of me. Wonderful!

For many years I used to laugh this off, but 30+ years later I can still hear those stinging words ringing in my ears – it takes a lot of courage to remember that I am not useless and I am actually very good at a lot of things that I do,

So words do more harm than I think a lot of people are aware of and it takes many years to build the confidence to be who you are meant to be and not what other people want you to be.

Again, many thanks for a wonderful article.

Alex
http://brains-trust.co.uk
http://twitter.com/alexparr

sandralee

This is a very helpful list. I really tuned into number 1, the way our doubts are not innate but evolve and also number 7, as it sometimes seems that we reject praise on a very subtle level. I also liked the Dalai Lama quote, as confidence is the basis for effecting change in the world around us. Thanks very much.

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Lori Deschene

Absolutely! When you have confidence, you have the power to make the world a better place. Thanks for reading. =)

Lori Deschene

Hi Alex,

I absolutely know what you mean about words having a lot of power. I have a similar story–when I was younger, an adult around me told me “If I was your age, I wouldn't be your friend.” That was just one of a barrage of negative things I heard, but that one has always stuck with me.

For years I assumed most people felt that way–that I was someone they couldn't like or respect–and that made it near impossible to feel comfortable in relationships.

It is comforting to know, though, that we can challenge negative beliefs, no matter how deeply they are ingrained. The process has been a lot slower than I'd have liked, but the process is happening, nonetheless.

Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts!

Lori

Hilary Frambes

Thanks for this post. I'm in the process of applying for masters in art education program. It's been 18 years since I got my bachelor's degree in art, so I have apprehension about going back to school again . And, the job market for isn't great for my chosen vocation, which also fills me with doubt at times. I'm going to bookmark this page to read when I start to hear the negative voices in my head.

Happiness

Part of what turned me from a shy girl to a confident person is being open with others and feeling a sense of belonging… realizing that in a room full of people, I'm no different than the others. All of us are going through nervousness and the hope of being accepted. I think this has helped me the most; feeling guided and loved. When we remind ourselves of how many times we've been cared for and loved by the world around us, it's a bit easier to feel special, to smile at a stranger, and in turn observe that several strangers are now smiling and happy to see us.

Lynn Fang

Hi Lori, thanks for this post. I've been feeling a little in a funk lately, and this post has definitely helped!

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Lori Deschene

I'm so happy it helped!

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[…] 8 Ways to Be More Confident: Live the Life of Your Dreams SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It", url: "http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/" }); Share tweetmeme_style = 'compact'; tweetmeme_url = 'http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/'; tweetmeme_source = 'tinybuddha'; blog comments powered by Disqus var disqus_url = 'http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/ '; var disqus_identifier = '6349 http://dev.tinybuddha.com/?p=6349'; var disqus_container_id = 'disqus_thread'; var disqus_domain = 'disqus.com'; var disqus_shortname = 'tinybuddha'; var disqus_title = "How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It"; var disqus_config = function () { var config = this; // Access to the config object /* All currently supported events: * preData — fires just before we request for initial data * preInit – fires after we get initial data but before we load any dependencies * onInit – fires when all dependencies are resolved but before dtpl template is rendered * afterRender – fires when template is rendered but before we show it * onReady – everything is done */ config.callbacks.preData.push(function() { // clear out the container (its filled for SEO/legacy purposes) document.getElementById(disqus_container_id).innerHTML = ''; }); config.callbacks.onReady.push(function() { // sync comments in the background so we don't block the page DISQUS.request.get('?cf_action=sync_comments&post_id=6349'); }); }; var facebookXdReceiverPath = 'http://dev.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/plugins/disqus-comment-system/xd_receiver.htm'; var DsqLocal = { 'trackbacks': [ ], 'trackback_url': 'http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/trackback/' }; (function() { var dsq = document.createElement('script'); dsq.type = 'text/javascript'; dsq.async = true; dsq.src = 'http://' + disqus_shortname + '.' + disqus_domain + '/embed.js?pname=wordpress&pver=2.41'; (document.getElementsByTagName('head')[0] || document.getElementsByTagName('body')[0]).appendChild(dsq); })(); […]

Eric

Thanks, Lori. This blog has been very helpful!

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Rachel

I only found Tiny Buddha just yesterday, however, each and every post has brought something new; something that can help me in life when it gets tough, and something to bring out the better person. Tiny Buddha has yet again, inspired me. Everything you do, it all just makes me that one more interested in everything you can achieve.

I want to achieve my dream, because after all a dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away. And to me, that sounds amazing.

Thankyou. x

Lori Deschene

Hi Rachel,

I know that feeling of searching for something to fill the void. I’ve attached all my hope to dreams for tomorrow, but I realized that no goal can make all the hurt go away. I can’t say for certain that we’re similar, but one thing I realized is that my only opportunity to melt the hurt was/is today–not someday down the road.

I wrote a little something about this: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/do-happy-stop-hoping/

I hope this helps!

Lori

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Relainalex

it remind me that i can do things if i want it done

Relainalex

it remind me that i can do things if i want it done

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AmazingButterfly

Thanks so much Lori!! Last year i told a boy i liked him and he completely rejected me.. I thought i wasnt pretty enough or anything so i closed myself off to everyone, even people i didnt know yet… Thanks so much!!!

Lori Deschene

Hi there,

You’re most welcome. I’m glad you’ve decided to change your perspective! I’ve been rejected by my share of boys in my time, and I know that feeling of insecurity. I try to remember that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can hurt me without my consent.” Somehow this always makes me feel stronger!

Lori

Roypooja1988

love to read this…………

Troy

Beautiful words. And you are a beautiful woman too.

Lori Deschene

Thank you–I appreciate that! =)

Samel

hello, i really really appreciate your effort of making such guidelines for the benefits of those have very low self-confidence like ME. thank you so much..

Lori Deschene

You are most welcome. I’m so glad you found this helpful!

Rogeref

well actually you do come out unsure of your cry or at least some babys do, some dont cry some cry a lot some hardly cry some just make a weird noise.
And well for me I was being choked by my umbillical cord and that ment my cry was not there. Everything in life is shaped befor u exit the womb.

Lori Deschene

Hi there! I kind of meant that babies aren’t judging how their cry sounds, or how their umbilical cord looks. It’s not a cerebral self-judging experience. But I know what you mean–my sister had the same experience when she was born.

Shumaila

hi,
thank you for this lovely article that help me a lot
that is really very motivated and learn to believes readers that they have to trust and should give a importances to themselves that they are capable and they have a worth
thank you

Poison_girl41

thanks for posting it , i love this

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Zulazool

Congrats, That was great! I want everyone to read it. You are very talented and insightful.

Lori Deschene

Thank you–I’m so glad you found this post helpful!

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Torres Rebecca71

this really motivates me to go on to the world and put myself all out there. to reach my potentical

Lori Deschene

That’s awesome! I’m so glad. =)

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Kritika Chawla

i wanna be the centre of attraction but i don’t have the confidence!!!

Lori Deschene

In what way do you want to be the center of attraction?

Jamie Matthewman

Here’s a comment I wrote on Linkedin which I thought I’d share with you…Confidence is a result. It is built through time like any learning process. It requires action to get the ball rolling…the rest in my experience tends to fall in to place if you’re committed to it. We all start out shaky…that’s just life. For a longtime I used to believe I had to be perfect – that stops confidence dead! Nikes ‘just do it’ phrase has some real merit and I also appreciate it doesn’t always feel easy. Sometimes, if it’s really important you just have to do it and ignore those thoughts that say you can’t or you’re not good enough, because it’s your thinking that creates the fear. Nothing else…fear is a self created illusion.A poor use of the magic you have available in your imagination.http://linkd.in/inZQRv – feel free to connect with me

Lori Deschene

Thank you for adding this, Jamie. Very well put!

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Thank you so much Lori! Last year I told a boy that I loved him and he totally rejected .. I’m not pretty enough or something, so I closed to everyone, even people I do not know yet … Thank you!

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