“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama
Some breakups are so bad that they make you hate the sunshine. It’s up there gleaming, looking down on you, being all sunny despite the fact that you feel like a slice of hell. The suffering is relentless. The sky is ugly.
The ending of my last relationship was awful. I think it hurt as bad as it did because this wasn’t some random young woman who had just walked into my life. This was someone whom I’d been aquatinted with for years.
I know her family. I had a business relationship with her and we had been performing together as part of a musical group. It also wasn’t my choice to end things.
I once read that the pain of the death of a loved one, the pain of the end of a relationship, and the pain of a child losing a teddy bear are no different. Pain is pain.
And to the one who experiences pain, it can be all consuming and can seem like the end of the world.
I don’t like it when some people think that just because your relationship only lasted a couple of months you should hurt less than if the relationship had been longer. Again, pain is pain. No one has the right to judge it, put limits on it, or qualify it.
Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that you’ll ever feel better. So, what do you do? You can hate it if you want, resent it, resist it, or wish it wasn’t happening.
The fact is that it’s happening. I wish I could tell you that I’d found the secret to making the healing from the breakup of a relationship easier or faster. I haven’t.
I do know that when all of the flirting, smiling, hand-holding, and special times on the couch are over, somehow you have to find a way to put the pieces of yourself back together.
I think the way to do this is different for everyone. Here are some things that I’ve found helpful.
1. Detachment
Far more than a Buddhist concept, detachment gives us the ability to move forward. I’ve had no reason to talk to my ex-girlfriend, so I haven’t. We have no children together and live far enough apart that we don’t run into each other.
Sure, the grieving is painful, but it’s not her job to be there for me during this process to comfort me. There’s no reason to hang out as pals—maybe someday, but not now.
2. Therapy
The thing I’ve most needed during this time in my life was guidance. I needed someone to talk to and someone to check in with. Sometimes, I make up awful stories in my head and I need someone to help me counter them. There are many different modalities out there. Try them all if you want to.
3. Walking
Yes, it seems so simple, but I started walking more. There’s something very therapeutic about putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward. It’s almost a metaphor.
Walking is a great way to get active instead of dwelling in your memories and replaying the ones that hurt. Walking clears the mind. In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron wrote: “We walk out of the door with problems, we return with solutions. ”
Also, I remember my gym teacher in elementary school yelling, “Walk it off!” when I got hit with a tennis ball. I’m walking it off, coach.
4. Mindfulness
So much has been said about mindfulness and present moment awareness. The Internet is full of great resources, and there are probably free meditation groups near you. I won’t go into it too deeply here, but keeping your mind centered on the present and not reliving the past or worrying about the future is helpful. Even Obi-Won Kenobi recommended this.
You can begin with one conscious breathe in this one moment, which is all you ever have. Take some time and feel the breath flowing through you, the rise and fall, the slightest pause.
It’s okay if your mind starts to wander. You can always begin again.
5. Distraction
This might seem like the opposite of mindfulness, and maybe it is. Sometimes though, self-medicating with Netflix is okay. I blew through all of Firefly and both seasons of The Walking Dead. This is guerrilla warfare of the heart. We do what we must to survive. It’s far better than thinking of my ex and the impossibly beautiful way her eyes catch the sunlight.
I’m not suggesting repressing or avoiding your feelings, but sometimes we need a break. Just like a vacation can give us a new perspective on our work, a break from thinking can help us to look at a situation with new eyes.
6. Reading
I binged on books. I admit it. I read books on Buddhism, and Taoism, and Stoicism, all kinds of self-help books. Something about this felt proactive. It was like I was doing homework, like I was taking control of the process, doing all I could to help myself feel better.
7. Creative Expression
Writing has always been helpful to me. I guess that in this, one of my least favorite chapters in my life, with the catastrophic ending of my relationship, it’s no surprise that I started focusing more on my writing.
It’s saved me in ways that even playing music could not. I think I’ll release a collection of my essays sometime soon. Some of them are really good. I’m not saying everyone should take up writing, but creativity in any form helps, even if it’s baking a cake or playing with Legos with your friend’s child. Adele turned the painful ending of a relationship into an album. Go listen to Rolling in the Deep. Seriously.
I hope this doesn’t sound easy. It isn’t. But I hope you get something out of this list or even become inspired to create your own.
Sometimes we have to take great care with ourselves after a breakup, and that’s okay. It’s not so different than recovering from an illness or from surgery. Be gentle with yourself; rest if you need to. It takes as long as it takes.
Remember, we are all the same at our core. Everyone wants to be happy and no one wants to suffer.
Break-up image via Shutterstock
About James Gummer
James Gummer has no idea what's going on and is learning to be okay with that. He writes in Baltimore, Maryland where he also teaches drumming, qigong, and meditation. His collection of essays will be available soon. Visit him at james-writes.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Break ups are by far, no fun. After the break up is all about how we handle it and heal. Hopefully it was a learning experience and to not be repeated. Great post!
I’ve just had sort of a breakup with a person whom I thought was a friend. I have not had a fight with her, actually this is a “virtual breakup”. Let me explain…
She is a wonderful person but has serious self-esteem and validation issues. I have been trying to be the best friend that I know to be and she keeps pushing me away. She gets close whenever she feels like and that just kills me…
I understand now that I don’t have the emotional capacity or maturity to be her friend so I’ve decided to “break it up”. I need to take care of myself first and your tips to move on are wonderful. I’ve been doing some of them, like walking it off.
I’m walking it off coach! Loved that
Oh so very timely, thank you! I’ve done all those things on your list and they’ve helped immensely: walked it off (gone to the gym to lift weights and run), talked it out, binged on Netflix (Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Arrested Development), read self-help books and blogs. Like I said they all helped but the most helpful of all was staying in the present, even if it means concentrating on your breath in order to push away the memories. Thanks again for your article! 🙂
I wished you’ve posted this post earlier without me having to go through each of every step alone and without any guidance. But eventually, I would approve that every point you made is very true. It’s a great article, I just retweeted it and hope my followers who’s having the same problem can read this and be able to move on with less burden on their back.
Nice James to write down self experience. Did anyone try to do more on ‘mindfulness’? This way was the most powerful in my case. I know it’s not easy to make certain focus… but with practice its getting better.Â
What also helped me is the Unconditional love… If I trully loved thn I must wish all the best to the exgirlfriend. I must remain satisfied with myself and give to others (and the love one) because I feel giveness is part of my joy.Â
Thanks, James, it’s good and compassionate advice. I am on vacation now and half a world away from my ex, with some time to follow the creative pursuits I’ve been putting off. I am hoping this time away will help. Cheers and keep writing! 😀
Much appreciated article here. I too, am trying to rebuild a new life after having someone I really thought was one I could partner my life with, dumped me. I like your list. I’m doing all of that. I think of it as a process with no one sure fire cure. The point is to do enough to move forward one day at a time.
One day at a time.Â
This is such a wise list. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve said here and I appreciated your honesty and openness. I love your writing & I do hope you will release the collection of your essays because you’ve got a gift.
Best to you ~ I hope it will get easier soon.
James! At this time last year I could barely move, I was so torn up by the failure of a love affair. Since then I have done all the things you recommend in your article and here I am, mending and moving on, again. And I totally agree with your recommendation of video therapy. Have you seen the series Enlightened with Laura Dern? She is so human in that show, bumbling along the path. Lots of great role models in shows and movies not only to distract but also to inspire as you have with you writing.
Gratefully,
Nixa
Beautiful entry. The circumstances of your relationship are very similar to mine and this was very helpful to me today. Thank you!
Thanks so much for posting this article and sharing your wisdom.. It was just what I needed. I am so grateful I discovered Tiny Buddha 🙂
great suggestions…. these are thing that i have actually done as well. Im two months into a break-up with a relationship that lasted 8 years. Your suggestions will help to administer some relief in getting back to yourself. That is the important aspect of it, getting back to loving yourself again. Thanks for the reassurance.
Good for you! Take care of yourself. Just like the mask on an air plane. You have to put one on yourself before you can help someone else with their’s.
James
You’re welcome.
Thanks for spending your time reading my words.
-James
Thanks for reading and taking the time to post, Allanah. I really appreciate it.
James
One day at a time!
You’re so right!
-James
Lovely post. My first visit to your site. I’ll be back.
Break ups make you feel like you are the only person in the world who is going through the gut-wrenching painful ache that comes with being rejected. Thank you for reminding me that we are never alone. x
These are all wonderful suggestions. As a mindfulness meditation practitioner and teacher, I particularly like your suggestions about detachment, walking, and mindfulness.
In another blog post, I commented how a simple exercise I developed helped me improve my relationship with my girlfriend. I’ve found that the writing meditation exercise also helps people overcome the wounds from their past.
Since the writing meditation is a variation of loving-kindness meditation, it enables us to change the way we feel about the people who have hurt us, so we can overcome the pain and animosity toward them.
The writing meditation will also help us strengthen our relationships with the other people in our lives, so they can provide us with the spiritual nourishment we need to get through difficult times. It will then help us become more loving, compassionate and understanding, so we can be a better partner in our future relationship.
As I continue doing the exercise, I am discovering many new ways of how my life is being transform because of the change in my views about other people. In general, people are becoming more allies, rather than the adversaries they were in the past.
I strongly recommend writing meditation to anyone trying to overcome their wounds from the past. If you want me to send you a copy of the writing meditation exercise, contact me and I’ll email it to you. There is no charge. It is my gift to you and your loved ones.
Warm regards,
Charles A. Francis
Hi Charles,
I’d like to see it.
Jamesgummer@jamesgummer.com
Thanks,
James
We are never alone.
James
thanks for the suggestions. i have found it painful to let go of a relationship that only lasted a few months because it was all potential and no history. when my long-term relationship ended, it was easy to see it had run its course. when my last relationship ended, it hadn’t even had a chance to start to run. it was hard to let go of hope.Â
i have also found that writing is really helpful and i wrote more during the end of the relationship than i had in the previous year combined. but it helps with the pain a lot and keeps things in perspective a bit, seeing that the pain cycles and not in a predictable way.
I know this may seem counter-intuitive, but writing down or expressing all of the things that made me feel grateful for having the relationship with the person I broke up with was key to my ability to let go without losing my love for her. This allowed me to respect the time and moments we shared as a valuable period of my life….one that I would never really wish to forget. Relationships are conditional and therefore impermanent, but the love we feel for someone doesn’t have to be that way. This has allowed me to accept the end of my relationship with her without carrying any negative emotional energy into the birth of any new relationships I might find. We can choose to see our past relationships as a success or as a failure. If the axiom is true that success builds on success….I choose success.
Thanks James…love the wisdom in this piece. The key I think is to simply allow and invite the pain to do its thing. Then it passes. I have a few posts relating to this that may also be of interest http://www.servingothersblog.com I will check your site now. Thanks again.
Walking, detachment and creative expressions: three lifebuoys. Come handy in any negative situation!
Thanks for your post, James 🙂
Thank you. With all due respect, however, There can be a huge disparity in being the one who breaks up and the one who is broken up with.
“The point is to do enough to move forward one day at a time”………..YES,that is sometimes asking for more than I believe is possible in that “moment”when a memory or thought of that person lost is comparable to having the air knocked out of you,and the truth sinks in that you will never “be” with that person again.You feel so alone with the pain,and grief,like no one could ever feel this way,and function as “normal”each day, but WE DO.Reading these posts are such a moment of surrender to realize there is a whole world of people suffering just like me,and we will and do eventually pass through this stage,where the “clouds”eventually lift.Pain from love lost is a universal experience,and we are not unique with our pain. Thanks for posting,and being part of the process!! Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
Thank you Charles,I would appreciate a copy.Bless You.email is longd0405@gmail.com
I would love to have a copy of the writing meditation exercise.
Devin.Yates@gmail.com
Thank you,
Devin
Some good thoughts, I might add to this that it is important to make sure you don’t self destruct. I mean turn to drink or the the like, I’ve done this and it makes things worse.
 Hi Charles, I would like to have a copy too. My email is jnichols777@hotmai:disqus l.com.
Thank you,
Jeremy
Love these posts
I am stuck in the hell of a breakup and I can’t get rid of the pain. I feel lost and can’t cope with getting through an hour at a time. I just feel so abandoned and in absolute despair I really can’t cope with this
Another thing that you have to remember is that reading all of this advice isn’t the same as putting it into practice. After a 4 1/2 year long relationship with breakups every other couple of months and “this is the REAL end now,” it’s finally happening. I’m in the denial/hopeful stage and I don’t want to give myself time to grieve because I know myself well enough to know that I will NEVER let myself get out of this stage if I do. I know that I don’t want to let him go but it’s time to. It’s time to put it into practice. To force those thoughts out of your head of them and to not hate yourself for struggling through this.Â
I would love that, I believe that meditation is a much healthier alternative than a lot of other self-destructive things that most people tend to do. My email is gesseniarivas@gmail.comÂ
Yes. Please send me a copy. My email is napiliwahine3@hotmail.com
@hotmail:disqus Aloha
I’m going through the same thing… after an almost 5 year relationship with my best friend/lover. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. Now I need to detach and let go.
Suzy – I’m in the same boat. It ebbs and flows for me though. Just breathing, sitting, giving gratitude for the experience is helpful to me. Best wishesÂ
What a wonderful exercise in forgiveness. I will do this practice as I mend my heart.
Really am stuck the pain is agonising I don’t know what to do at all. He doesn’t know what he wants but tells me I’m perfect
I started taking the first steps though, I removed myself from all contact with him but kept a secret Facebook open that he and I were friends on, I just found out that he unfriended me on there and deleted his old facebook where he had pictures of both of us together. I’m angry and hurt, this is really hard. So good luck kuulei, we both need it!Â
 thank you Charles please help me out of this nightmare…email seanprs@hotmail.com
it’s difficult for me. Detached from her for about 2 years, making all the efforts to keep her off from my mind. but my mind thinks of her, it’s difficult for me to breathe the fresh air. Please help.
Hello can u send me the meditation exercise? Anjludwika@gmail.com
Hi Charles can i have a copy also?!
Trying to cope with a broken heart and not being consumed with hatred.
Many thanks
Namaste
Nidia
Nidia
Where would you like me to send it?
Charles
Good article and good timing for me. I’ve been doing a lot of this on my own and they definitely work; some better than others. I find walking and writing particularly therapeutic. The practice of detachment, which is by the most powerful in the list is also the most difficult one to master. Attachment is definitely the source of the pain in situations like this. We hold on to the memories, the fantasies, the hope that we had and in some cases, still have. We even hold on to the idea that we shouldn’t be feeling like this, which unfortunately just makes it worse. The only way past these experiences is to go through it and experiene the emotions and simply allow ourselves to “feel”. In time (and with practice of the 7 ways above), things will get better. Thanks for the article, :).
Thank you for this. I needed to read this….especially the first one.
thks a lot sir,realy ur advice brings a hope to live for my family and for whom I meant,i was loving sandhya more than my life.but she left only because after MBA I could not qualify for agood company.thank u sir for givinge a new life.
I broke up with my partner only 3 days ago. It was my choice but only because I had to protect my children from his controlling aggressive behavior. I know this is the right thing to do but at the moment it still feels pretty raw. Not only is the there the emotional stuff but all the other things like money, rent etc. I have found out that my family and friends mean everything and they have been fantastic, even the people I work with have surprised me in ways I am truly grateful for.
Thanks for all the tips online. I have dabbled in Buddhist practice and tried to take up meditation in the past.
Like most people I’m sure I’ll get through this but it is such a horrid feeling.
Heya urzs is a good advice…… Can u send some of ur more writings on jongonsalves@gmail.com plzzz thanx
Jon