“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene
Sometimes I am really terrible to myself, and I relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.
On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.
There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.
Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.
I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.
The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.
I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.
Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.
Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.
While my self-love journey is ongoing, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:
1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.
We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.
When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.
2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar.
I saw a quote once that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones.
3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.
This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”
As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose.
4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.
This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before.
I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times.
5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”
One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot feel fully satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.
Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.
6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go.
One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail.
Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.
7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.
Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.
I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand, and even if you know you want to change.
You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.
About Madison Sonnier
Madison is a writer of feelings and lover of animals, music, nature and creativity. You can follow her blog at journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/ and buy her first eBook through Amazon. She loves making new friends, so be sure to say hi if you like what you see!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you Madison, what an excellent article. You’ve succinctly captured all of the demons I battle on a daily basis and detailed how they can be overcome.
I’m always comparing myself to other people and beat myself up if I don’t feel good enough 🙁 its so horrible. Thank you so much for your advice, I will definitely be referring to this when I’m in need. Thank you!
wow i LOVE this post. thank you.
Thanks for reading! I’m glad you love it.
I’m so glad it helped!
You made my day! 🙂 Thanks for reading.
I am so glad I took the time to read this. Number 2 really struck a chord with me. All the others hit the bull’s eye too, but Number 2 is my favorite. I am going to print this and read it as often as I need. Thank-you!
Very good Madison. I’m a Naturopath and work a lot in Mind/Body healing and often times compare myself to others. Your article was good timing for me and well said. Empaths seem to follow this pattern of comparing themselves to others and feel like they struggle with their worth. It’s all the journey to healing 🙂
Thank you, Madison! I needed this reminder and badly! Have also shared the link to your article on my blog, in the hopes of helping my friends who are also going through similar situations! <3 Love and light to you!
thanks I love this and will be useful for me to remember when I do these things <3
Ditto! Almost word for word, a lot of the battles I have on a daily basis are described above. Thank you, Madison.
This is gonna solve many problems I face on daily basis…Thanks Madison 😀
I have this bad habit of always being hard on myself and comparing myself to others. My friends from college are either married and have kids or have fabulous jobs. I’m almost 30 – a milestone in my life – and I haven’t really achieved any of these things and it makes me feel depressed. But the article really helped me. I don’t need to be so hard on myself and need to remember that my time will come and the best is yet to be.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post. I am going through a viscous cycle right now, where don’t feel like I am living up to my full potential and no matter what I do I can’t seem to get ahead. I am ready for the changes in my life, but everything is at a halt. For instance, I can’t predict when I am going to land a more challenging job with better pay, or when I am going to meet my soul mate. I wish I could have all these things RIGHT NOW but unfortunately, that’s not what the universe is choosing for me this instant. The rule is to be patient and know it’ going to happen with time.
wow I cannot believe the timeliness of this article! Just a little earlier today, I had a small breakdown (pity party) with crying and everything in front of my husband asking him why doesn’t anyone like me?? I am so embarrassed to even admit that…especially because I am a grown woman who just turned 50 on January 18th. I told my husband that I still feel like that 13 year old little girl I used to be who hated herself. I know I sound pathetic. The things that brought me to this meltdown today are things that I would typically let slide off my back, but I know they are things that still linger deep inside everyday because I often feel like I am not good enough….mean, selfish, you name it. I just cannot believe that I am 50 and still feel as though I have not grown up. So I told my husband I have no idea why or how he even loves me and that the only reason my 13 year old daughter loves me is because I am her mom. Whew! talk about a pity party for myself, lol. Feeling a little better at the moment but this article most definitely has helped to bring me back to reality! Thank you sooo much!
Madison– This is *exactly* what I needed to see/hear/listen to today. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this. <3
Thank you x
Hi Madison, this article deals with a lot of things that I can relate to. I always try to beat my own records, striving for the best. But that’s just not how it goes. I recently started photographing kids. I want to be great at that right now but I know I’ll have to learn it step by step. It can be demotivating to look at other photos, but when I feel good it motivates me. Thanks for the article, it really helps!
Thanks for reading! I also like #2. That realization was inspired by another article I read on TB. I think it was this one: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/3-reasons-to-stop-worrying-about-your-negative-thoughts/
Aww, thank you for reading! I’m glad it helped.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have meltdowns like that on the INSIDE all the time. It’s certainly not healthy to question why people love me…and I only do it when I have a hard time loving myself. I just try to take care of myself the way my loved ones would. If someone I love wouldn’t say the things that I am saying to myself, I try not to say them.
It’s easier said than done, but can be achieved with practice. I’m glad you’re feeling better today!
I struggle with comparisons too. It helps to remind myself that life isn’t a race and that we’re all on our own journey. 🙂
Thank you for reading. I’m actually reading a book right now that might be a great resource for you if you feel like everything is at a halt. It’s called 20 Something, 20 Everything by Christine Hassler. It’s been like therapy for me to go through the exercises in that book. It really explores several different aspects in a young adult’s life such as love, career, finances, etc.
But yes, patience is everything. We’re all on our own journey. 🙂
Thank you! Love & light to you as well.
I’m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading.
This was an inspiring read. I will write these down, because everything that you said int his article is helpful. Thank you for this. Self-love is the only love!
I really enjoyed this article. I have struggled massively with my self esteem over the years. I’m 34 now and only yesterday I found myself worrying about a party I am going to at the weekend. I had a huge feeling of anxiety because “no one will want to talk to me at the party. No body really wants me to go because no one likes me. Maybe I shouldn’t go.” I realised that this was an old pattern. An echo from the past and I had to sit with this feeling for a long time and work on trying to release this belief as it was not true and I did not need it any more. This article came at a perfect time for me and I especially liked the part about not hating yourself into loving yourself. Its comforting to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with these issues. Thank you so much for sharing your experience x
This helped me put into to words what i have been feeling all day.. take a step back and enjoy. What is tomorrow, if I can’t enjoy today? This article is just what I needed to read today. Thank you for sharing your thoughts because I now share them with you!!
Thank you. I needed this. 6 & 7 is me to a T. I also feel not good enough a lot. I need to to stop my self critic and try and realise that I am good enough.
Thanks, I needed to hear this.
I developed very good self-esteem in college, and then I graduated, lost a great job because the company had some financial problems and couldn’t hire me any more, moved home with my parents where I have to share a room with my younger sister and don’t have any super close friends in town, etc. Those, amongst other things, got me really down and depressed and I lost a lot of that confidence. I’m out of the lowest part of the depression and I’m mentally in a much better place, but there are still days when I’m doubtful and scared that I’m not good enough because I’m still living at home, still can’t find a good job, etc. I know I just have to keep going and eventually I’ll be able to move on outwardly, but until then it’s hard for me to keep feeling happy inwardly and articles like this really help me stay focused on what I’m trying to do.
I’d like to add something that I try to remind myself all the time: Never compare yourself to anyone except who you were yesterday. If you do even one small thing better than yesterday then you’ve improved.
I too war with my self critic in my head every day. And the last tip, #7 you can’t hate your way into loving yourself really hits home. I journal and write all my negative things down and try to figure out how I can learn to love myself but one thing that never came to mind is Just Stop being so mean to yourself. It’s a hard thing to do, and I’m really not sure how to get there but your advice makes a lot of sense.
Thank you for your words of wisdom! The world is such a difficult place to live in and it’s never easy. I have had an awful past and now at 21, I suffer from anxiety and depression, which makes it hard to know which feelings are real and which arent. I struggle on a daily basis but it’s people like you who give me hope. Depression is apparently going to become one of the most common illnesses, so stay strong everyone!
Thank you Madison. You saved my sanity. I thought I was a lost cause. 🙁 But after reading this I don’t feel that way any more. There is hope for me yet. 🙂 Once again THANK YOU.
For someone who catches herself every minute of every day tying her self worth to the failures (but never the successes) in her life, thank you for writing this. I dedicate what some would consider and obsessive amount of time through out my day nitpicking and tearing myself down, literally afraid to celebrate what I have achieved because I’m not worth it. 3,4, and 6 really hit home.
Thank you for the great article!! I have been working on self-love and facing my “crazy brain” thoughts for about the past 6 months. You sound just like me and I can relate to everything you have said, also thank you for giving me even more ways to love myself. You have opened my eyes to even more. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Agreed Madison. That is what can go on in my head on a daily basis. I attack myself. I say I don’t look like her, I don’t wear tons of make up and take pouty selfies showing my boobs. But maybe that is jealousy and maybe I need to see these people Im directing it towards as humans. Or maybe forget and stop focusing on them all together and focus on moi. Thanks for letting me know Im not nuts!
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it is amazing for me to read your comment. I feel EXACTLY like this almost all of the time. my husband and I actually ended up in counseling not long ago partially because my own -loathing was damaging our 17 year relationship.I know it’s all prosperspective, it can just be reeeally difficult to make yourself focus on the positive, or at least not focus so much on the negative. anywho, thanks for posting and sharing.
Thank you for the article. It is very encouraging to hear that someone as wise as you struggles with self-esteem and self-love too. We will always be no more and no less than a work-in-progress.
Wow what a great article. I can relate to all of them, but mostly #5. I’m 27 and have been struggling with a chronic genetic illness for 10 years, and will have it for the rest of my life. It’s interrupted my life so many times (university, family, job, etc), but the worst of it all has been trying to accept that this is my new normal for my body. It’s hard to accept that I won’t ever be “cured”. I feel like mentally I’m stuck mourning my old life and the loss of a healthy future. I don’t know how to accept that no matter how much my brain and heart wants something, my body wont be able to do it. I really don’t know how to accept it, but I do know that’s what’s holding me back from life. Will be keeping this article on hand for inspiration.
Muchas gracias por este maravilloso artículo
“You can’t hate your way into loving yourself”. Excellent! Sums it up perfectly.
You are courageous and awesome for sharing this and thank you for giving ways of fighting the good fight.
I wish I saw this yesterday when I really needed it >.< great post though! One critique I have though is with 3, but that's because as a chronically ill person it's hard to believe 3 when 2 is so spot on. -.-
really amazing and very interesting article.u
Madison I have been having a very hard time as of late and this article was so in my head I wanted to say thank you for making me not feel so alone in my feelings.
This will give you a hint if you have time. https://www.facebook.com/vinnie.sorce/posts/10202372337686333
Fantastic
This is awesome and made me smile. Thank you for writing it.
I understand. I have a wonderful life changing book for you to read. It’s called “The Untethered Soul” The author teaches us how to let drama move through us so we neither cling to it or stuff it down and try to avoid it. When we look at our drama through the eyes of consciousness, nothing can hurt. We will still have drama, but we won’t hold it or stuff it or protect it.
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve been feeling pretty down for the past few days and you are absolutely right. If we don’t value ourselves then how can we expect anyone else to? Definitely a good reminder.