“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder
I’ve had my share of toxic relationships. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who weren’t rooting for our highest good.
As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically.
I felt like less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.
I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize as I denied all that was natural for me.
The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.
I hung around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”
Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.
Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says is right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!
While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us change and growth should feel good!
When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.
But our intuition knows best. Unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.
“Toxic” doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship. I’d like to share how I learned to recognize when I was in a relationship that wasn’t suitable for me.
These are five signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.
The other person constantly puts you down and treats you like you’re not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.
2. Everything is about them and never about you.
You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.
3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person.
Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.
4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.
You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, and neither do your closest friends and family.
5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.
Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.
If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
You may choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you may decide to put more space between the two of you.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship, it’s important that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.
An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.
About Yvette Bowlin
Yvette Bowlin, an expert in decluttering your life, coaches on how to clear clutter from the inside out. Her trademarked philosophy and techniques are the first of their kind to help business owners declutter for clarity, balance, peace, and productivity. Find Yvette on Twitter and Facebook and visit her site at mind.declutterist.com.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I’m afraid of the repercussions…
I recently just got out of a toxic relationship. I have experienced all 5 signs and was never willing to face the truth. In the end I felt as though I had changed so much from who I thought I was and none of the changes felt positive. I have never felt more confused and lost in who I am spiritually and what path I am going to take with my life as I am now that I am no longer in the relationship. This person was the biggest love I had ever known. All my plans and goals centered around making this person happy not realizing in the moment that it was at the expense of my self worth and happiness. Everything is all in retrospect now and the journey begins to heal myself again. This website helps with that.
Dear Yvette,
All combined, your five-point check list sounds like the worst possible domination and brain-washing torture conceivable. It almost sounds too melodramatic to be real. And yet people I know have described their failed marriages and horrid husbands in those terms. I can’t imagine anyone tolerating that, but people do, mostly because they’ve been trained to believe there is nothing better to escape to.
Or worse – that they won’t survive outside their partner’s control.
Or even worse – that they will be physically harmed if they try to leave, and their children will as well.
Then someone shoots a gun, someone dies and the story makes the headlines.
But there are other situations, the opposite in nature, that can crush the soul just as much, but it takes a thousand cuts to do it.
I’m talking about emotional abandonment. Physical separation too.
I’m talking about friends and family who don’t return letters and calls, who don’t follow through with a promise only to say they meant to. I’m talking about the passive/aggressive message sent with silence that says, “You’re not important enough in my life to respond to you. Maybe I will someday. But only when everything else is taken care of.”
How many “friendships” like this do we rationalize keeping, thinking… “They have lots of things going in their life. They’ll eventually call back. It’s not about me.”
That’s right. It’s not about me. But it should be!
Unless our friends are really sick or away or someone died, they should be there for us when we need them. And if they can’t be, they should tell us why. And if they don’t tell us why, they’re not our friends, and pretending they are will serve no constructive purpose.
Frankly, I’ve let those marginal “friendships” go. With family, it’s more complicated and so I’ve kept up the pretense of compatibility. But with friends who drift away, and then pretend it hasn’t happened, I still cut the rope. Because there’s nothing to lose.
So you’re right, I don’t have a large circle of friends. But the ones I do have, are real. And I’m making new ones.
Thanks for letting me rant, Yvette. But I stayed on topic.
Irv
I recently walked out of a toxic relationship of 4 years. It was a very difficult decision, one that spanned over a year as i thought he was the one. We were on our way to getting engaged sooner or later. I can’t put my finger on one or more of the 5 signs listed above but I need to say that I didn’t feel good. The last year was excruciating with lots of changes and sacrifices from my end and nothing very tangible from his. I felt like I was not a priority, though everything he did, in effect was supposedly for me and us. Through these times I realized that anyone who truly loved you, would always pay heed to your needs, stated or otherwise. Someone who’s not doing this, might claim that they have a different way of showing their love, but if thats not in sync with what you want form life,. then that’s your cue to rethink the relationship.
I believe that in the saying “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”. Right now, I’m single and though I feel lost and alone on certain days, I need to admit that I feel free, free to be myself, and relieved to be out. That feeling, amidst it all, in my opinion, is priceless.
IME what is called a toxic relationship can have much to teach us.
NOT IF IT’S KILLING YOU, OF COURSE. As the writer of the post says, if you’re being hurt, get help and get out.
But otherwise, and especially if you’re toxic yourself, wait around to learn the lesson.
I used to be so very angry – as my kids will tell you.
And though a psychologist might tell me that my undeniably angry husband is ‘toxic’ I think we’re all strong enough to use this for our good.
1. I have had to face my own unacceptable anger and deal with it. Every day i am thankful for that opportunity.
2. My husband has had a rough life.
Yes, we could add ourselves to the long line of ppl who have kicked him into touch, or permit him to walk out on us, or we could give him – repeatedly – the opportunity to be loved for who he is, warts and all. Everyone deserves that.
3. People have complicated lives. Sometimes I have so much on my plate that, much as I adore my friends, I cannot spare them the energy and time I would love to be able to. sometimes i can spare no time at all. Sometimes i need to talk through a challenge life has thrown into my path with someone i trust. But i can’t return the favour and listen to their problems at the same time because mine are too great.
and sometimes my friends find the same happens in their lives.
Do I write them off because they are toxic ppl who talk and think only of themselves, moan about their life, and make our time spent together so uncomfortable?
No – I. understand. i offer them the space and time they need to do what they need to do. I trust them to be doing what’s right for them. And me.
And when we have moved past the challenges life threw up – maybe after days or months or years – i know we might spend happy times together again. Or we might not. It’s ok.
That’s what friends are for.
Don’t fear the challenges – face them, be with them, sit with them.
Don’t fear that toxic person! Before you turn your back on them think: could this be the very person I need in my life today ?
Love and light
After reading this post I felt relieved that other people consider a relationship to be toxic. After just recently ending a 3 year “toxic relationship” my mind tends to jump back into history and replay moments I still question to this day. I cannot help but draw into one right now. For the good majority of the last 8 months in the relationship I kept saying “this is so toxic” ” I am drowning in a toxic relationship”.. Yet I continued to stay.. Looking back how ridiculous was I not to listen to my own mouth saying the exact words to run and get out.
I would like to contribute by giving a few more valid signs that can occur in a toxic relationship….
When your partner/friend cares more about money and materialistic items, there is a huge problem. ” Things” do not buy love. Love is love, nothing more nothing less.
If someone makes you feel guilty by saying you are too emotional when you express your thoughts and feelings. RUN! Do not walk… leave now.. no one should be put down because they want to express them selves.
Lastly, if you feel you need to start lying to keep up with all their lies or the thoughts of revenge come to mind. ” I am going to do this to them… because they hurt me… and I will show them how it hurts”. Their toxic waste is changing you into an unhappy version of them.
I’d like to add a more positive note that I should have mentioned when I wrote my comment last night.
In every case where a friend left me hanging, I explained how that hurt. On a number of occasions, those people apologized and we did come back together. And it’s been good. I dropped the resentments.
So I guess what I should have stressed more than anything, is that if we are hurt, we should let our loved ones know about it. As my wife pointed out, we own it to THEM. We have to give them the chance to express in action, that they want us in their lives.
If they don’t, there is nothing we can do about it. If they do, then we are all the more richer in love.
Irv
I absolutely can relate to this article because I myself went through the same thing. I just got out of a toxic 2 year relationship where I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. Spending time and integrating myself with his life was so tiring and I felt physically and emotionally drained. It would have been alright for me if my feelings were returned but he was negligent towards my needs. So much that whenever I brought up an issue, he would claim I’m having a “bitch fit” even when I was doing it in a calm manner.
I think a lot of people out there are afraid to take the chance to do what they know is right. Perhaps its the amount of time you’ve spent with that person, all the time and energy you’ve invested. But I’ve found it very easy to move on because deep down inside I was not happy. My emotional and spiritual needs were not met and even worse they were ridiculed.
Best of luck to those out there who went through or are experiencing something similar. Honestly, when I look back, I am so much happier now and my soul is calmer.
Thank you for the article.
Great post. As someone who has experienced those rotten ‘toxic’ relationships I can say that once we begin to value ourselves, to see that we are all wonderful unique beings deserving of good things, amazing shifts occur.
Today I can say, hand on heart, that my lovely husband is one of the reasons I’m the happiest woman walking the planet.
Believe me. Choose you first.
Love Elle
xoxo
Hi There, the timing of this article is perfect. I have been in a relationship now for 3 years. My wife and I have nothing in common. Mentally, emotionally, physically we are a world’s apart. I was introduced to my wife by my family. Asian family pressures meant we were married before we got a chance to get to know each other. Within a short space of time we ended up having a child who is beautiful and loving. For the last 2 years I have been trying to change myself to be more forgiving and learn to accept my wife’s aggressive and abusive side as I don’t want my child to grow in a broken family. In the process I feel as if I have been battered and bruised within. My wife is all about looks and nothing internally where I am a spiritual deep individual. I try to see the best in everyone and feel we all have a soul and therefore we all should be able to love and give. The problem is that my wife was raised in an abusive family and for me the upbringing was exactly the opposite. My mother has given me so much love and support in life and till this day she is doing that. My wife is not just abusive to me, she is all abusive and aggressive to my mother and my child ( the abuse towards my child has however stopped since I threatened her with police call). She has never been physically abusive it”s always been verbal uncontrolable abuse because of her inability to communicate and love. I know what the right decision for me to do is. I cannot stay in this relationship but the thaught of having joint residency to my child as advised by the solicitor makes me what to continue in this relationship. My house is no longer a loving place of peace and calm instead there is constant negativity and fear of a backlash. I feel I am becoming aggressive too which I really dislike this about myself. How do I get out of this mess? How do I make this decision easier for myself? I am 37 years old and feel a little scared of breaking free from this with the thought of lonliness in the future and hate from my child for breaking this marriage. Any suggestions would be much appriciated. God bless you all.
Hello, I can absolutely relate to everything you have written. I am just out of a 9 year relationship with a man who had “some” good qualities but left my soul begging for attention. Just as you have mentioned, when I’d bring the subject up he’d accused me of “wanting to argue” (even when I was totally calm in my approach). I stayed for so long because my mind kept telling me I had invested too much time to give up but my heart was telling me “run you’re not happy here”. I thought would be hard but I feel renewed and very optimistic about what life w/o him will be like! Best of luck to anyone who might be going through the same thing. Life is too short and it should not be spent devoting time to the wrong person.
Is it the law of attraction or what that this article has come at the right time when I have been trying to think about the health of my marriage. I know I would have never had the courage to evaluate my relationship with my husband on being toxic(how we try to fool ourselves and convince that everything is fine). I dreaded reading this article because i knew I might end up saying yes to all the signs mentioned here.
But what will you do if you are in a toxic relationship that happens to be a marriage with a year old child. Can you go against everything to save the person you are? The child would need his/her father, is it selfish to walk out and push a tough life on your child. I keep looping through these questions everyday. When i talk to people all they say is ‘Marriage is not eutopia’..there is compromises, you have to kill the real person you are and try to be happy in whatever it is…
Talking to my husband doesn’t lead me anywhere. The discussions are always a cycle of blame and conclusions that ‘I have a problem’. My confidence is at rock bottom .. I am being ridiculed for everything I am !!
I sometimes feel that physical voilence is better, at least it gives you a clear signal that you NEED to walk out. Emotional voilence is a slow poison which sucks the very life out of you..it is like a quick sand where you keep sinking deep with a hope that you might come out of it ‘someday’.
Is it required that I should do a self evluation because it looks like(as per my husband) all my desires are centered around ‘me’ only. Me having some concerns over my MIL is because ‘You have some problem with my mother’..when the fact is that she is the one who is trying to control things in my life and expect me to behave in her ways. Am i wrong in expecting to build my life as i want? 90% of my time I am feeling anxious and depressed…the rest 10% is when I am with my daughter.
I am so glad somebody explained, so clearly, the meaning of toxic. Something that drains life and energy. That’s how I felt in my 12 years of marriage! Yes, it took me that long to leave because I was listening to my logical mind instead of my institution, and justifying that by living that person life was going to be difficult in other aspects. Meaning, he provided a very comfortable life and I was afraid to go out there and try on my own. I left 2 1/2 yeras ago and I have never had any regrets.
I rushed into a marriage , circumstances with my parents at home left me very litlle choice , so I weighed the options and decided to take what was being offered by them my family , who then saw me as a problem to be rid of ….I didnt think much of what I was really entering here…thought i would make a whole new fresh start .. in a new country far far away from them , learn the language and maybe make the marriage work with this new person I barely knew …
I went through years and years od depression, the marriage too dissapointed me within the first two years but there was no where I could go , nothing I could do to change my situation , I had no money , and noone to help me . so i just continued living the marriage … but was mentally unhappy and just didnt know how to fight for myself . After three children , and 22 years in the marriage i finally started to wake up and want to change my life, this was met by my husband with much resentment and he still wants to possess me till death do us part. I am so stuck at the moment, unable to make changes , unable to enter a divorce since I dont want to traumatise the children for the sake of my search for happiness…… I hope I will be free one day … it has been a toxic relationship. ! I’m still confused how to go about this
My suggestion is to get divorced. Your children know what’s going on already. They can sense all the negativity around them and it will affect their lives. I wish my parents had divorced. My father was the most toxic person I’ve ever met in my life. Believe me, your child will thank you when they grow up as a child needs positive reinforcement, not put downs and negativity. I spent my entire childhood being told that I was not good enough, that I was stupid, etc. When I got my college degree, I was told that my degree and $1.00 would get me a ride on the subway. My mother was proud of me. My father was not. It took three years of intense therapy for me to have a self esteem. Don’t do that to your child. If you can find a way to get custody, do it. Judges often give full custody to fathers when mothers are abusive. Start documenting all of the abuse and then get a good solicitor and go for full custody.
Goodness me. As with many postings on tinybuddha.com, this one arrived as I was asking a good friend the same questions about my particular relationship. You are right, dear writer, and I must listen harder to my instincts. Not always easy, as even in the most controlling of relationships, lie good moments of love and beauty. But I do know better. Thank you.
I think you should walk out of this relationship. Being an asian myself I understand the societal pressure this will attract but I believe this will do you, your wife and your kid good in long run. I have seen so many marriages in Asian culture which last 50-60 years but there is no love attached to it..it is just a habit of a person which can be seen in two people.
Few suggestions before taking that final step:
1. Communicate – you and your wife need to talk..when i say talk communicate…i wud suggest a marriage councellor…they will enable effective communication – talk abt issues and not past happenings
2. Last chance – After knowing why your wife is doing what she is doing you need to things which you can do to make her feel hopeful of this relationship(trust me in a relationship no one side is right or wrong mistakes are from both sides). This is when you think somewhere in your heart that this is worth a save. From your judgement about her family/spirituality looks like you already have an opinion abt her, may be she has sensed that and it is her ego to live upto that image now(sub consciously)
3. Take some action – Take some action in next say 5 days. Action can be booking an appoitment with marriage councellor or talking frankly to your wife or something to mk things better. I think most of the time problem with such situations in life s that though they are painful as hell we keep talking abt it, sulking abt it, let it suck every bit of hope and life out of us…but we keep living like this. If you really want to gv your marriage a last change..see next 6 months..tell your wife also about your intensions so that both sides are making some effort.
If all above fails, i think it is better to move out. It is wasting three lives – u , ur wife and ur kid. What he/she needs most is peace/happiness and good env to grow and kids are very receptive in getting vibes and thus forming their pyche. you can be apart and still give her/him good guidance, may be not as per asian family standards..but do you want best for your kid or want to please society which doesnt even care if you exist!
I am not sure if I have a right to gv you suggestions, but your situation did appeal out to me. sorry if I have offended you in any way. May God be always with you and your wife..and guide you to a better life…together or apart!
2, 3, and 5 really hit home for me. The good thing is, I realized these things (or finally admitted to someone other than myself what was happening) about 3 months ago and have made a big effort to change what was happening in our relationship, which started with me kicking my husband out. Part of why I never did anything before was because (1) I didn’t want to be “another divorce statistic” like every woman in my family, which is part of the reason I waited until 30 to marry at all, and (2) after digging deeper with my therapist, I found that I was addicted to this relationship. I had enabled my husband to continue doing the things he was doing (I was actually supporting him instead of vice versa – though I didn’t want him supporting me, I’d much rather live as equals), and after 12 years expected him to rely on me, to *need* me to survive. Obviously, my offerings were toxic as well.
What helped me start to realize my relationship was ‘toxic’ was when my spiritual path changed. I became a student of A Course in Miracles, and as I felt I was growing, things at home would happen like an argument and my husband would throw the Course in my face, mocking my studies and how I was still a bitch or whatever after practicing for almost 2 years. While I would have loved (and still would) for my husband to take this path, I never ever forced it upon. I was hoping to be a good example, but situations at home made it hard because while I felt like I was changing internally, I was allowing the same things to happen in my home, putting up with the same BS I’d been putting up with for years.
As I go through the steps of healing and learning to forgive myself, I’ve found myself yearning at times to call/text my husband for the stupidest reasons (I baked a giant batch of cookies a few weeks ago and thought I should call and offer him some. Proud to say I did not – I did a forgiveness worksheet instead). I am determined to hold my ground though and do the right thing – for myself and my husband, although he would never agree that what I’ve done is the right thing for him. I hope that he will change his mind. If not, instead of this separation that we’re dealing with right now, it may mean the end of our relationship altogether. I am prepared to deal with whatever happens, knowing that it will all be okay no matter what. I feel lonely sometimes at night, but I try and think of God in those times and trust that I am okay… and getting better 🙂
Dear Roh, loneliness is – in my experience – a wonderful place from which to absorb lessons learned. I have also learned that children thrive in a non-toxic environment. Do what you know you have to do, with compassion for your wife, and abiding love for your child. Be stronger than you feel, and act with dignity. You and your child will be better than fine.
Dear Nik. Thank you for this. It gives me even more courage to do what I know has to be done, and courage for adding hurt to the lives of people I love; but in doing it with love.
When ever i share with my better half that I have changed as a person(not for better) and I feel restless and sad…i get a response that ‘you can never be happy…you are always crying and cribbing’…can it be so…root of the problem can be me too…
I’ m kind of going through the same thing with my husband …all attempts to convey that I want to be free , all attempts to do things i wish to do for myself are met with arguments, threats , negativism … and totally draining my energy … and I also feel very alone and sad that life turned out the way it did ….
It’s so timely that I read this now in the midst of fretting the Holidays with my family. I dread being around my toxic sister, who brings a negative soul sucking vibe to every festive occasion. I know how to eliminate toxic people in my life and I surround myself with super amazing people. But I can’t seem to avoid this one. I have to stay in my truth and remember I do not need to defend or argue or stand there and get attacked. I choose my response, period. Wish me luck people and I wish you great strength too.
This was an excellent post! I just wanted to add that a toxic relationship could also be with a family member. A little over 5 1/2 years ago I made the hard decision to end my relationship with my parents. For 36 years I had let them bully and belittle me and I experienced all 5 of the signs listed above, along with many more including psychological and spiritual abuse. Society makes it hard for us to take action when the people who are damaging us are in our own family. However, I managed to make my wishes known to them and have not regretted it since. I encourage anyone out there who is having trouble with a toxic relationship to consider discussing the situation with a counselor. Getting an objective opinion on the situation is unbelievably valuable. Extricating yourself from the toxic relationship is priceless.
Good article! We all go through it at some point or the other. Some last longer than the others. Mine was 2 years long. I came out of it battered and exhausted. Though there was no physical abuse, the stress and strain that I had to go through each day took its toll on my body. Its been 2 years since, and I’m still recovering from it all. The mental healing takes longer. At times it is tough to keep up the positive attitude and not blame yourself for walking out. But the reality is this; the only way to survive is to walk out! And one should not apologize for wanting to survive!
I think everyone in the comment section mirrored my thoughts exactly. This article hits home right now as I am currently purging toxicity from my life. Thanks for tweeting this so I could find it easy. Love you all.
This is a great post. Listening to your instincts is a must. I knew my husband was wrong even before we got married. But I felt I had to go through it all., I couldn’t walk out I could put it right even it felt wrong. I would have been letting myself and others down. How wrong was I. I ended up bankrupt and a single parent but feeling so much better not being in such a toxic relationship
A couple of criteria to add:
– They walk all over you because you’re unable to stand up to them, even when you both know they’ve done something terrible. you let things go and bottle them up when they should really be argued out, because you’re scared they’ll leave if you stand up to them.
– You’re always waiting for and pinning your hopes on the next great thing just round the corner – reaching your destination at the end of a car journey, waiting for the food to turn up in the restaurant – so there’ something to distract you both from how terrible you are together when you have nothing but eachother.
I was in the same boat, left a toxic relationship after 2 years, and like you thought I had finally found the one, which was why it was so hard to let it go. It came to a point where I was so unhappy that I used to cry and beg God to let me not wake up in the morning. It seemed the more I tried to fix things, the worse they became and all the blame somehow landed at my feet. Eventually though, thanks to having stayed in previous toxic relationships for longer than I should have, I learnt that this was not serving my highest good, and I walked away. Like you, I have felt alone and sad, and lost, but I am also climbing out of that hole, and I no longer feel put down and unworthy. I realise now that what I was experiencing was not real love, but more a response to wanting love, because love does not do that to you and yes the relief of being free far outweighs the loneliness. I am learning that my own company is actually enjoyable and to love and accept me for who I am.
I’m in a toxic relationship that has been toxic from the start…going on 10 years…and I feel like there will never be a way out for me. I’m in a country that is not my own, where the laws are not in my favor, and I feel like every day is a battle to keep a grip on my sanity. I want to run as far away from here as I can, but the fear of losing my child is what prevents me from taking action.
Our dads sound a alike.
I can completely relate to this article. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 or so years, the last 10 months of it was spent married to him. From sooo early on in the relationship I knew it was toxic, I couldn’t do anything right for him, I was judged by him, I was cheated on. I was with him from 19 to 26, so at 28 much of my reactions to things are as a result of how I learned to react with him. Although I am improving greatly, I still find myself sometimes tip-toeing around my current (wonderful) man, only to realize there is no reason to tip-toe, he accepts me for me.
In the end, after 10 months of marriage I was the one that did the cheating. At the time I wasn’t even sure why I did it, but I have to come to realize that it was my way of ending the relationship I knew I couldn’t stand to be in for the rest of my life. It was a low way of getting out of it, but at the time, I wasn’t able to end it, just like I hadn’t been able to end it from very early on in the relationship. At this point in my life I wish I would have been strong enough to truly be the one to decide that relationship was over, instead of me being the cheater that got kicked out, but c’est la vie.
Even on my wedding day, and so many times before that, that little voice in the back of my head told me this just wasn’t right…I chose to ignore it. So, today I try and listen to that listen voice as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, but that little voice has never ever failed me.
dear beachsand — Can you make an appointment with a counselor? I have faced similar experiences, and when I decided to leave my marriage I went to a counselor to begin working on ways I could stand on my own two feet and recover my sense of self worth.
The therapy has been priceless. Their guidance, along with my new-found awareness of self-love, has helped me become a person who would never again accept the circumstances I once lived with.
Your experiences are not worthless — they too are priceless. A gift, really. Your real feelings are showing you just how far off your original, authentic path you’ve gone (me too). That’s why you feel terrible — your feelings are saying, wake up! wake up! This is not how it is supposed to be!
Once we’ve got those signals, it is up to us to get back on our authentic path to our true selves. And there is so much help out there — bookshelves are full of wonderful, wise mentors who give guidance on recovering self worth and self love, and the internet has great sites that will provide help as well.
Listen to your feelings — honor them. They are your internal guidance system. Carve out time to meditate; turn off all distractions; cry your eyes out (it feels really good), keep a journal of how you feel; and hug your little girl to make you both feel great.
Since i’ve been doing this emotional work the relationship I have with my young daughter has improved dramatically. She deserves a happy mom. I deserve to be happy, and so do you!
I think when you deceive and lie and people aren’t comfortable with it and they are fighting you on it–of course it will make you feel defeated. It’s crazy how the people you feel defeated by are the ones calling your bluff.
I just got out of a toxic relationship with one of the most emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive, uncommunicative person I have ever met. Her character traits were a hybrid of those of my extremely toxic, bitter, abusive parents. A lot of us have a predilection for recreating the toxicity of our childhoods by entering into unfulfilling toxic relationships with both friends and lovers. What makes this so insidious is that each time we get enmeshed in such relationships, it only confirms and fuels our self hatred and our feeling of being unlovable. In my last relationship I contorted myself in every imaginable way to make things work, completely losing my identity in the process. Being with her meant forgoing a career I am very passionate about; a career I am so passionate about I even work as a volunteer in the same capacity. For mere crumbs of very occasional affection I was willing to give that up.
Our relationship ended and given the fact we were cohabitating I moved out and had to move in with my toxic mother or be homeless. Out of the fire and into the frying pan. Now I am questioning myself and thinking that if I just could have done this or that differently things would have worked out. The last couple of months have been really tough. My family is totally fragmented, toxic, and abusive. All of this just in time for the holidays! I am going over to a friends house for Thanksgiving but will probably be alone on Christmas. Actually, due to family issues, I have spent more holidays alone than with other people. Kind of used to it but it still hurts especially when you see people out and about looking like they are happy and normal, though of course the reality could be quite different, but still it hurts really bad. When you come from a horrible family you tend to put all of your emotional eggs in the relationship basket, which usually ends up being codependent and unhealthy. When the relationship ends you don’t have anything to go back to and feel beyond destroyed. Right now I am out of work with nothing but time on my hands so the thoughts just swirl and swirl out of control. I gotta say this is one of the darkest times in my life right now.
The good news is that I am attending support groups that address these issues in great depth. Being around people in the same situation, or even reading these posts, is super helpful. Now if I could just get this horrible anxiety to stop.
I can completely relate to this article. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 or so years, the last 10 months of it was spent married to him. From sooo early on in the relationship I knew it was toxic, I couldn’t do anything right for him, I was judged by him, I was cheated on. I was with him from 19 to 26, so at 28 much of my reactions to things are as a result of how I learned to react with him. Although I am improving greatly, I still find myself sometimes tip-toeing around my current (wonderful) man, only to realize there is no reason to tip-toe, he accepts me for me.
In the end, after 10 months of marriage I was the one that did the cheating. At the time I wasn’t even sure why I did it, but I have to come to realize that it was my way of ending the relationship I knew I couldn’t stand to be in for the rest of my life. It was a low way of getting out of it, but at the time, I wasn’t able to end it, just like I hadn’t been able to end it from very early on in the relationship. At this point in my life I wish I would have been strong enough to truly be the one to decide that relationship was over, instead of me being the cheater that got kicked out, but c’est la vie.
Even on my wedding day, and so many times before that, that little voice in the back of my head told me this just wasn’t right…I chose to ignore it. So, today I try and listen to that listen voice as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, but that little voice has never ever failed me.
my 17 yr relationship is ending, and it has ushered in a period of self-growth like no other i’ve ever gone thru. there is a child involved, but i am certain that embracing my own authentic path — who i really am — is so much better for our daughter than being stuck in depression, low self-worth, and giving up.
This amazing revolution in my own self esteem has happened as a result of taking action — I began to see a wonderful counselor; I began reading books on how to love myself, how to reconnect with my soul, how to reclaim an identity that had been so buried i didn’t think i’d ever see it again. I signed up for seminars online that were free, aimed at healing the spirit and the mind (Emotional Freedom Technique, or Tapping, is easy to learn via youtube and it is awesome!). I started to eat better, take long walks, pray, meditate, and journal.
It is nearly two years since the moment i realized I had to change my life and get out of my marriage. It has taken that long for me to honor my own feelings, root out so much negativity, face my anger, feel my fear, and weep a billion tears (which truly washes away so much pain). I stopped getting distracted by stuff — tv, noise, the phone, busywork — and began spending time in solitude and listening to the still voice inside me. these are habits i will keep for the rest of my life.
and wonder of wonders — it all works. i am happier than i have been since i was an innocent, small child. there is a joy that is indescribable. the inner work is SO worth doing…the payoff is tremendous.
When a river gets blocked, it stagnates. that’s what happened to me for years. i hardly recognized myself. we can break through our blocks and get back to flowing like a river — which always flows forward.
i wish all of you a flowing out to who you really are, and much joy along the way:-)
Dear Roh, writing as the child of parents who kept a toxic relationship going for fear of what harm divorce might do to the kids, I ask you to consider leaving for your child. The damage watching you and your wife tearing one another apart might do to the child is unknown but potentially pretty devastating. No one enjoys life in a war zone – not even the kids. Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope you find a happier future. God bless.
What if you have a toxic relationship with one of your parents? How are you supposed to just cut them out of your life? I’m having a really hard time with this right now. I’ve always looked for my mom’s approval, but I’m starting to realize she cause more damage to me than she’s worth. Family’s supposed to be for life, but how do deal with someone who’s never going to change? Am I supposed to just cut her out of my life? I’m so confused and hurt.
you need help . . . & you DONT need 2 be giving anone any advice . . . i know enough 2 KNOW THIS !
in reguards 2 the 5 step plan that is . . .
Great advice and article.
It would probably be the understatement of the century to say that toxic relationships are no fun, having been in more than a few.
I know one of my biggest challenges (especially as a self-admitted saboteur) is to have the something [detachment/wisdom/courage] to know when it’s a toxic relationship and when it’s just my Silly Self analyzing all the ways in which something is not “perfect” and/or not right for me.
This article really hit home for me. It opened my eyes. I was surprised as to how many of the 5 signs I can relate with. I have been with this person for almost 2yrs. I must say, before I begin that him & I are of different cultures. I’m Canadian. And he, is from the Middle East. Every thing was sweet in the beginning. He was cute, caring. I would stay over at his place any time that I didn’t have my kids. Long story short, I feel as though today when ever I try to express my feelings, he makes me feel stupid. I always have to second guess my self. I have to walk on egg shells not to upset him. Times we have talked I tell him of the things I’m concerned with he tends to turn the subject around like my issues don’t matter but all the things that are going on with his ex & the war back home do. I sympathize to a certain extent. But you know, what about me? There often are times I don’t think he realizes how his words hurt. It’s the way he uses them. For example, tonight he was asking me to watch a poker game (which I just do not understand even though he has explain it to me all before..it’s just not my thing..I don’t get it.) He was saying that there are only a certain number of hands I want you to fold. Um ok, I thought. I did just that but then I seen a card I thought he had mentioned & question him on it. He quizzed me..what is that hand..what did I say?! He unplugged the computer and walked a way. I said, ‘I’m sorry I just don’t understand’.. and after that I immediately became sad..it hurt, I felt stupid. I cried. It’s easier for me to be myself when I am alone. I’m afraid to talk to him. To express my ideas. What I like. When it comes to cooking, I’m not the best but I’m able to feed myself and my kids. I must admitt he is really good. And he also makes it known when something I make isn’t to his liking. When have I ever turned up my plate at him because I didn’t like his dish? He is also of the protective/jealous type. I can’t really wear a nice bikini to the pool with my kids without him. Mind you, I don’t care there but he has made it known. He has told me to change before so other men wouldn’t hit on me. He wants me to move to Calgary so he can be closer to his daughter. He wants me to come with. I have made my decision multiple of times. Yes, no, yes, no & maybe. He doesn’t understand the severity of this issue for me. I’m not able nor do I want to move away from my kids. He goes on to say how I don’t see them often enough anyways, so what difference would it make? And besides, they will be in their teens soon enough anyhow (I get my kids everyother weekend). I know in my gut what I have to do. I know I have to stay for my kids. I would be stupid to move with him like I was stupid to let him move in. But I don’t know how to end it. That sounds silly I know. I want to be free to do things the way I want. I know I have change in the last two years. I’m not who I use to be. I fear hurting his family back home. For they are really nice people. I’ve been told my different people of what I should to but every opinion is different. But they don’t see what I do. Everything is perfect on the outside. My opinion is what matters. I know what my ‘gut’ or intuition tells me..I know what I want.but I choose to ignore because I fear being alone, yet I cannot handle feeling this way. So much for a short story. I really thank you for this post I came across. It has opened my eyes.
This article really hit home for me. It opened my eyes. I was surprised as to how many of the 5 signs I can relate with. I have been with this person for almost 2yrs. I must say, before I begin that him & I are of different cultures. I’m Canadian. And he, is from the Middle East. Every thing was sweet in the beginning. He was cute, caring. I would stay over at his place any time that I didn’t have my kids. Long story short, I feel as though today when ever I try to express my feelings, he makes me feel stupid. I always have to second guess my self. I have to walk on egg shells not to upset him. Times we have talked I tell him of the things I’m concerned with he tends to turn the subject around like my issues don’t matter but all the things that are going on with his ex & the war back home do. I sympathize to a certain extent. But you know, what about me? There often are times I don’t think he realizes how his words hurt. It’s the way he uses them. For example, tonight he was asking me to watch a poker game (which I just do not understand even though he has explain it to me all before..it’s just not my thing..I don’t get it.) He was saying that there are only a certain number of hands I want you to fold. Um ok, I thought. I did just that but then I seen a card I thought he had mentioned & question him on it. He quizzed me..what is that hand..what did I say?! He unplugged the computer and walked a way. I said, ‘I’m sorry I just don’t understand’.. and after that I immediately became sad..it hurt, I felt stupid. I cried. It’s easier for me to be myself when I am alone. I’m afraid to talk to him. To express my ideas. What I like. When it comes to cooking, I’m not the best but I’m able to feed myself and my kids. I must admitt he is really good. And he also makes it known when something I make isn’t to his liking. When have I ever turned up my plate at him because I didn’t like his dish? He is also of the protective/jealous type. I can’t really wear a nice bikini to the pool with my kids without him. Mind you, I don’t care there but he has made it known. He has told me to change before so other men wouldn’t hit on me. He wants me to move to Calgary so he can be closer to his daughter. He wants me to come with. I have made my decision multiple of times. Yes, no, yes, no & maybe. He doesn’t understand the severity of this issue for me. I’m not able nor do I want to move away from my kids. He goes on to say how I don’t see them often enough anyways, so what difference would it make? And besides, they will be in their teens soon enough anyhow (I get my kids everyother weekend). I know in my gut what I have to do. I know I have to stay for my kids. I would be stupid to move with him like I was stupid to let him move in. But I don’t know how to end it. That sounds silly I know. I want to be free to do things the way I want. I know I have change in the last two years. I’m not who I use to be. I fear hurting his family back home. For they are really nice people. I’ve been told my different people of what I should to but every opinion is different. But they don’t see what I do. Everything is perfect on the outside. My opinion is what matters. I know what my ‘gut’ or intuition tells me..I know what I want.but I choose to ignore because I fear being alone, yet I cannot handle feeling this way. So much for a short story. I really thank you for this post I came across. It has opened my eyes.
I was in a very toxic relationship for 7 years. #2, 4 and 5 really hit home for me. I kept excusing bad behavior, in hopes of change. That day never came. In fact, it got a lot worse. I learned its ok to think of myself and my happiness and my well being before someone else’s. It’s not selfish. Relationships should enhance your life in some way, to some degree- not exhaust it. I also am learning to forgive myself for being stubborn and foolishly trying to stick it out in hope of a better day tomorrow instead facing reality sooner. Share this post with those you love. It may help someone now or in their future. It helps me now to know I’m not alone and helps give me some additional clarity in my healing. Get strong- stay strong- life’s waiting!
I can check yes to everyone of the signs! I was in a relationship with a narcissist! The relationship with him was a fairytale while he was reiling me in! I ignored all the gut feelings at first! After a year or so intuitions started becoming very strong until they lead my right out of it! I was so in love with him and the life he said that our future would be! He was in love with being in Love, but was not capable of loving anyone but himself! The end of this relationship almost destroyed me! I just couldn’t let go even knowing it was not healthy for me to stay! It’s been two and half years and I still struggle! I wish I could take his power that he still has over me away! I need inner peace!
What if you know, deep down, that you’re the reason for the toxic relationship. Any tips? I really don’t want to hold my boyfriend back but I have so many issues that I take out on him. Any help would be appreciated.
I know exactly what You mean …in the end I just cannot be Me with my parents and its an issue of having courage to confront or just be oneself and let them deal with it … and we all know very very what kond of reactions that would evoke with them …. so i have two toxic to deal with parents and husband… I think we have to be assertive for ourselves … if they are hurt about it they will adapt eventually… i dont see why they dont realise … they got their life and lived it and still live it , why not let me live mine …
I would say if You know , the first thing is its good you are conscious about that aspect … and from that point you need to make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking and make small changes in the relationship… to stay positive , to continue to work on yourself ….. have you read JackCanfield .. Living the Law of attraction …We all need to remind ourselves loving the other is about giving our Love unselflessly , love doesnt flourish in an atmosphere of fear , and most of what we try to impose on our partners stems from fear of losing them. Keep Loving openly
This is such an important topic and I think you have made the point beautifully. Too many people settle for relationships that are damaging to who they are as a person because of what society “norms” dictate and the pressure to conform to the status quo and a whole load of other reasons too.
I was one of those people for many years. But I found the strength and courage to say “enough” and to learn how to extricate myself from those relationships that were too toxic to stay in and to set strong boundaries in other relationships that just needed me to protect myself better.
Was it easy? No. Has it been worthwhile? Absolutely YES. It has been one of the most liberating things ever. Quality of life has rocketed. Feeling fulfilled dramatically improved. I now have very strong boundaries on who I allow into my personal and professional space (I am Self Employed so easier for me to pick and choose business contacts than when I was a corporate employee). Only allowing healthy, constructive relationships in my life is now a non-negotiable part of my life and work.