“When we can no longer change a situation, we must change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl
There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. You grow older, relocate for a job, have a fight, or start having kids.
It is an inevitable fact that life takes people in new directions; growing apart from old friends becomes a part of our lives. But, somehow I thought that I was immune, that this was someone else’s story.
My friends would be there with me forever.
We celebrated every single New Year’s together. We survived college, breakups—you name it. Our bond was unbreakable, and we had loads of photo albums to prove it.
But after all these years I found myself feeling disconnected, and discovering that my best girlfriends did not really know me at all.
As we made summer plans and played catch up during our routine get-togethers, I had run out of things to share. I was irritated by the same old conversations. I felt like we couldn’t relate.
A few years earlier, I relocated for a job in a city away from home and found a new rhythm for myself. With a fresh interest in yoga and spiritual practice, I was the best version of myself, but I spent my time on hobbies and in places that were unfamiliar for them. Our passions were no longer the same.
I waited it out for a while. “Maybe it’s just me,” I thought. I needed to try harder, call more often, and be more available.
It was on a vacation to the Grand Canyon that I knew I wouldn’t shake this feeling. Amidst the giant open landscapes in front of me, I felt a deep loneliness and sense of obligation about these important relationships.
My best girlfriends, the ones who had known me deeply and longer than anyone else, couldn’t relate to me anymore. Our lives were too different. We had grown apart and I felt incredibly sad.
It was hard for me to accept that we might move forward, planning our weddings and living our lives without the bond we had as teenagers. It kept me up at night with anxiety, and I did not want to let go so easily. I found it difficult to understand how I had let this happen to my friendships.
This was not our first road bump. Of course, there had been fights and disagreements along the way, but we’d always hugged, made up, and moved on. I worked hard to find a solution. I contemplated talking it out over wine or writing long letters.
I found it hard to move on for months. I thought about my old friendships with a great sense of loss, and spent a lot of time consulting family and friends. I could not just forget about all we had shared for the decades before, could I?
My mind was heavy with anxiety. One evening after a busy week at work, I turned to my yoga practice for some much needed clarity.
During the class my instructor repeated a phrase she had said often, but it hit me with a deep profoundness, providing me with a completely new perspective on my situation.
“Take what you need, give what you can, and forgive the rest.” For the first time in six months, I realized that our friendship was not over. I didn’t have to feel a loss at all.
I loved my friends and all we had shared. I could take something from those memories and forgive the natural ebbs and flows of life that had moved us apart. Foremost, I could forgive myself.
There was a new view that I could adopt in order to make sense of the changes and loss I experienced in seeing my old friendships fade.
I realized that there were three basic understandings that could guide me toward acceptance and happiness for all my relationships.
1. Take what people have to offer and forgive the rest.
Sometimes we expect individuals to be all things to us at once or know exactly how we feel. Each of us faces challenges, all of which are not apparent, even to the best of friends.
I learned to see each friendship for the unique quality it offered me. Some friends were great for deep conversations, some were great for a night on the town, and others offered a funny banter.
My situation taught me to value what people had to give, even when it wasn’t all encompassing, and seek out anything else I needed in other places. We have to forgive one another and seek fullness from within.
2. Give only what you can.
If a friendship starts to feel like an obligation, or if you feel guilt, you may be trying to give too much. We all need to be realistic about the ways we can engage with others and remember that friendships are best when they’re mutually beneficial.
You have amazing things to give, and your best friends should want what you are able to share, and not expect more.
3. Keep the memories close.
The good times you shared with a friend don’t have to fade if your connection does. Think of your friend often, laugh about old times, and share great stories.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting all of the meaningful ways you and your friend connected in the past. You can continue to love your friend and experience your friendship long beyond the times of late night phone calls and regular get-togethers.
This new perspective offered me a whole new way of looking at all my relationships. I discovered that I could find a deeper fullness and quality in others by putting things into this view.
People come into our lives for particular reasons, and things are likely to change.
If we can give to those around us, and take from them only what we’re able, then we have a much better chance of looking back fondly, and with gratitude.
Photo by Yarns
About Jamie
Jamie Bergeron-Beamon finds inspiration and purpose in her work as a social justice educator. She is a yoga student, and writer. She spends time figuring out ways to live a positive and spiritual life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This must be a sign, because last night i had trouble falling asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about how my relationship with my cousin, who was one of my best friends, has changed profoundly. I still consider her my best friend, however, things have changed so much this year, and it makes me sad when it hits me now & then. Thank you for this, Tiny Buddha & Jamie Bergeron-Beamon. I’ve been attempting to follow the exact three things mentioned – however, it’s always good to see it in words.
I always knew signing up for the newsletter was a great idea!
Can really related to a lot of what was described in this article. A close friend of almost 18 years and I parted ways this year and I was fraught with grief over the situation as I didn’t quite understand what happened really. I moved, I was not working and I was getting married and in the end my friend could not be with me in those new places in my life. It has taken time, and while I am still confused as to the awkward way things dissolved I am grateful to know that this other person’s actions are not personal to me, that we did share great times and I really want to connect with people who can participate in my life. So I may need to detach, with love, from those who aren’t able to give me what I need. Thank you for the lovely article. So nice to know we are not alone on this life journey 🙂
This came at just the right time for me. Thanks for your wise words.
Good article, well written and looks useful
As with others, this comes at a very good time! I personally struggle with high expectations of myself and others, and this is a good reminder to be thankful!
I must have asked for a sign as well. My best friend and I are currently at an impasse. I want to spend more time with her and she wants to spend all of her time with her husband. I’ve asked for compromise (I kept up my part), and I have been left feeling unimportant and less than myself. I came to the conclusion over this past weekend that our friendship is no longer nurturing either of us and it’s time to part ways, at least for now. It’s been an excruciating decision but after years of let-downs, “miscommunications” and feeling forgotten, it’s time I found some self-esteem and friends who treat me as if I’m important to them. It’s time I found friends I can trust and depend on and not be made to feel defective because I’m disappointed. It’s the right decision for me.
This part: “My best girlfriends, the ones who had known me deeply and longer than anyone else, couldn’t relate to me anymore. Our lives were too different. We had grown apart and I felt incredibly sad.” It’s like you’re in my head. Thank you so much for this.
I wish I had read this earlier…
we all grow in different directions. I haven’t had best friends for a long time. Maybe it is different with women (guesses the man). I’d wonder about people who will still only hang out with their BFF’s as if only they are worth knowing. Oh well some times I feel alone but I read a study that said it is more about the busy lives we live to keep up with the Jonses’.
Ivy, thank you for commenting! I’m so happy you found the post to be helpful. 🙂
Liz,
Thank you for your message!
Friendships are not only “best” when they’re mutually beneficial, but they’re only real friendships when they’re mutually beneficial. Over time, a once-close friendship can fade to where the other person no longer cares for the friendship the way you do. You realize that they have come to completely take you for granted, use you as a bank or psychotherapist, chronically cancel on you or become always unavailable. Who needs a friend that no longer gives anything in return? Sometimes, it’s time to move on.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this Mags. I disagree in part with the author, this sounds like another feel-good piece of fluff that is trying to cover up how flaky and unreliable most people have become. Today’s pop psychology views counting on a friend in any way as some sort of spiritual growth stunt on your part. But the truth is it’s a sign of the times. I know a number of people in my parents’ generation who have had the same friends most all their lives.
I read in a book somewhere that hanging on to a faded friendship is like hanging on to a faded boyfriend. It keeps you from finding a better one.
I just ended a friendship for similar reasons. I am getting too old to do this one-way-street thing anymore.
Sandy, thank you for sharing your story! I’m glad the article was helpful to you.
This is absolutely true Jamie and I’m glad someone here wrote about this. Not all friends are the same and it’s important to still appreciate the memories even if it’s fading. There’s only so much a friendship can bring.
i think that the worst thing that can happen between friends is when two people need to cleave and they only way they have to do so is to blame the uncomfortable feelings of letting go on the other, which erupts in an argument, which then gives them both the excuse to stop seeing each other.
that’s okay, but then years later so many people hold on to these old arguments, stories that were just made up at the time to avoid the feeling of letting go, to create an enemy out of someone that they love.
Thank you so much for this. I found this article at an eerily appropriate time because lately I’ve been struggling with something similar. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason/season, but when it’s someone you’ve been close to for many years and shared a lot with, it can be very difficult to come to terms with having to let them go. It’s easy to play the blame game but sometimes it is just time to part ways because they’ve fulfilled their purpose in your life. Thanks again.
Lovely piece, thank you!
What this article fails to address is the fact that relationships, yes, even friendships can run their course. People do change (yes, I know, and a lot of people don’t). Let’s say you always partied together as friends and one of you decides to get sober and the partying friend can’t accept it and it becomes unhealthy to be around. Or, you finally get your butt into some great counseling and discover your own co-dependent tendencies and begin to clean up your act and weed people out of your life who refuse to respect your new boundaries. Or, you grow up and get sick and tired of the “drama-queens-it’s-all-about-me-everyone-is-doing-me-wrong” types and finally get up the guts to let them go. Healthy relationships will stand the test of time, it’s all the unhealthy ones we need to let go of. There is also one last factor and that is when you get married and start a family while still working full-time. It becomes very difficult to keep up friendships unless that friend has kids the same age or is willing to go on all the kid-related functions to see you…
I really resonated with this, but I have to say, sometimes friendships are meant to end. You don’t want them to end, but if you don’t let go, they will drag you down. In these moments I just reflect on what a good time we had and I am grateful for these times, but I never force to re-live the good ol’ times.
The busy lives people lead to keep up with the Joneses is a choice. Deciding not to live this way is a daily choice I try to make. We all have responsibilities, and some days I do better than others. But, I can say honestly I do better at caring for my friendships than most people do.
Great post! #1 is an important lesson I’ve realized during the past couple years. I can appreciate the different gifts my friends have to offer and offer different parts of myself to those friendships accordingly,without feeling stretched too thin.
Well put Anna!
Resonates with me, too. A year and a half ago, I chose to let go of a friendship that was very much as you describe – we’d been close, but had grown apart. Even our values had changed wildly. And it was a hard decision to make, but I’m a better person for letting go and being willing to change.
As long as you were not too demanding for you friend. Flexibility and freedom is important. It sounds as though you were disappointed that your friend had other priorities that were not focussed on you. Friendship means giving your friendship space and time too. It’s too hard to maintain friendships with demanding, needy people. If she was married then her priority really is her husband. Friends are patient, understanding and flexible. Yes- there’s give & take- however sometimes there’s just: wait & let your friend find her way in time once she is able.
Currently, I’m seeking closure in regards to my feelings about a good friend. We all hang out in a group that includes my ex, and over time she seem to have become best friends with my ex. The distance between us seem to have grown, and I don’t understand how is it that we have grown apart when I dated my ex but she stayed close to him all the same. I have tried hanging out with her alone but I feel like we no longer have anything to say to each other unless we are in a group. After the break up, she spent a lot of time talking to my ex, giving him support and did not bother to even ask me if I’m doing alright. I keep wanting to confront her but a part of me tells me that I just have to accept that we already drifted apart.
Reasonable advice.
When the balance of the friendship gets out of wack, the friend moves to the acquaintance category. Sometimes it’s a logical transition. Sometimes the other person doesn’t value your relationship the same as you. Disappointing but a part of life.
HI, I am 30 years old and lately I’ve been feeling too lonely. All my life I’ve been a shy/quiet person, hence, It’s been hard to make friends. I never know what to say or how to start a conversation. Sometimes I also feel that people take me for granted. However, I do consider myself a very loyal friend and people usually say I’m too nice. I’ve had a few friends (one of them my cousin, the other friend just got married and moved far away). But, I just realized, we were never all that close. They both had other groups of friends who were considered “closer” than me (they would get together and i was never invited). Lately I have given up trying to phone my cousin, who never answers or returns my calls. We never had a fight, but I guess while I was too busy attending graduate school, we forgot about each other. Time flies, I never thought for a second that I would lose her friendship, as we were inseparable for at least 10 years. She didn’t even show up to my wedding 5 months ago. I’ve always tried to be friendly but somehow, other people are not looking for my friendship. I agree, people change, and I’ve always wondered why??? I’ve lost other friends because it seemed I was too conservative. My all-time best friend decided one day in high school that she wanted to be with the “cool girls” (skipping class, smoking, etc.) and she never “came back” to us. I feel left out most of the time, I don’t get invited to outings, nobody ever calls me. Yes, I’ve got my husband and he is great!, but a girl always needs a BFF… He has lots of friends and even my sisters have friends, and I’m almost ashamed to admit that I don’t have any. What am I doing wrong?
SUPER AWESOME ARTICLE loved it ‘take what people have to offer’ i will be using that all the time!!!! love
I love love love this post! I think there is a sense of fear when we feel we are starting to loose people in our lives. Once the confusion hits of knowing the friendship isn’t the same I start to go through a list of my head of compensating the things that they have done as a reason why the relationship will last. Then it becomes a quick reminder that maybe I am in a different place in my life. That maybe we can still cherish this friendship, but that we have different values than we did in High school or College. That if anything I am the one who is changing.
I found this to be a good tool for healing. Like many of others who commented, I’m in this situation, I truly believe, with my best friend of nearly 20 years. What’s funny is I didn’t even realize it until about a month ago. Anyway, I find it comforting to know I’m not the only one who has experienced this, and in some small way, I’m comforted to know perhaps the distance has come because we are changing. The fact we are changing shows we are growing and, deep down, how can I be mad at that. That is what life is all about, after all.
I can relate to this. I held onto many friendships that were not beneficial for me. I got my act together and let go of unhealthy friendships. When I let them go, couple of my “friends” showed me their true colors, which were not pretty at all – petty and immature. I have only kept true friends where our friendships are mutually beneficial. Different stages of life bring different kinds of friends and it’s perfectly normal. It takes a mature person to accept that friendships change and move on.
Your article was very comforting. I went through something similar with my childhood friends. For me, friendships that fade naturally don’t leave me guilty or resentful. When we meet again, we are kind to each other. It’s the unhealthy friendships where I chose to walk away, that ended on a bad note. I was humiliated, gossiped about and blamed when I chose to walk away from few childhood friends. They played dirty and it was that same toxic behavior which made me leave them. We clashed so much that I couldn’t find any love in me to invest any more of my time into these friendships. Having said that, I have learnt to forgive them and move on. There is no doubt that I am grateful for the good times that we have shared. I am also thankful because they have taught me how to be a true friend to the friends I currently have and will have in the future.
Thanks for the advices. I was struggling in the situation, to let go a friendship (that was once close like… relative I would describe) or not. I was so depressed, we used to chat everyday, on whatsapp tho. But we cared about each other too much. We shared almost everything around us and about ourselves. And lastly, I loved her. (Sadly, she didn’t.) However, the world changed one day. Since we graduated from high schools (we were from different schools), our friendship started to fade.
Though we go to the same college now but we didn’t become closer friends. She now has new friends from her major, both guys and ladies, and we less contact each other. (And it’s only me who tried to start conversations.)
I couldn’t take it. Tried times to save our fading relationship. It didn’t work out. I cried days and nights. But miracle didn’t happen on me. My heart is being cut into pieces, every now and then.
The unspeakable pain gets worse everytime I have my brain free to think until I read your article. She told me to move on. I couldn’t. I don’t know even a way to forget the happy moments we shared. But now I know, what I need isn’t methods to forget the times we had. A way to view this relationship instead.
Thank you. This may take times. Well, its relieving slowly. At least it works. I will keep this in mind, “When we can no longer change a situation, we must change ourselves.”
You are not doing anything wrong, your letting people walk all over you, and you shouldn’t let the people give the right to do that to you. Show them that you are better than that its called self respect, I had been best friends with a girlfriend for over 13 years we just decided to live different lives, after new years hit when she pretty much ditched me and my new boyfriend. I was very upset considering she didn’t even bother to let me know she arrived at the location we decided to meet I forgave her after she apologized but since than we been distant shes been busy with work and moving and what not. and I talked to her today and I basically felt like she told me nicely to leave her alone so im doing just that. It hurts but sometimes you just got to take these kind of friendships as lessons and that not all friendships last forever.
We learn that who’s really there during your hard times and not when your at your happiest were not in highschool anymore the highschool days are gone. don’t feel bad about having self respect girl. Keep your head up and keep smiling cause life is too short to waste on people who bend over backwards for but wont for a second to do the same for you. = ) Hope this helps.
I relate to this, I feel as though my friends and I have drifted apart. We have nothing in common and no point of relation. There is no depth in conversations, and it feels like a social arrangement rather than genuine connection/friendship.
I know this article is a year old, but I just happened upon it now and would like to add my thanks to the author and also for many of the insightful comments. I think because friends don’t often discuss their friendship with one another (unlike partners in an intimate relationship), and because we often expect close relationships to last forever, it can be difficult and confusing when things change and may need to end. But it’s good to be reminded not to get angry or go into blaming mode, as that is easy to do when you feel hurt or sad.
This resonates with me too. I am in my mid 40’s and had many friendships over this time. 2 friendships one from early childhood and the other from when 12 have persevered. Others have been work friendships which have naturally faded as I moved from one job to another. One work friend is still close to me however we don’t see each other often which is ok. We understand each other and have both been through a lot. I have always felt however that I am I square peg in round hole. Often not quite fitting in to other people’s lives including my family. I guess I am different to many of them due to my values and beliefs – my husband my best friend gets me completely which is my saving grace. Girlfriends I thought understood me however have not been there esp during times of stress. I suffer from anxiety and while generally face the world with a smile it can be exhausting trying to be ok around other people. This blog is comforting knowing others feel similar. Life is after all a journey
I’m so glad for this article as I am feeling very sad about a 20+ year friendship that seems to be drifting away. I don’t feel like a valued friend anymore. During the month of December, she and her husband invite small groups of their friends for coffee and dessert. They started this holiday tradition when they moved to a new home several years ago. I have yet to be included and it hurts. She has also cancelled lunch plans with me at the last minute for reasons that were not an emergency and to me, didn’t seem that important. I guess I’ve held onto the friendship because we go so far back. Our children played together when they were little; in fact that’s how we met and became friends.
I guess I”ll wait and see what develops.
Eva. Ouch! I can relate. I needed some support after my son diagnosed autism November and came from noone. Not even a hug from a friend. I was always told I never ask for help blah blah. I broke down and asked for help was canceled, birthday dinner forgot. I tried again told the month of December busy. They had game nights too at house. I got worse news of my life noone understood. I had a talk with her she apo!ogized said she didn’t realize how bad I was. When we met we ended having big discussion. She told me used hand gestures to show levels higher to lower her totem pole priorities it was God, Husband almost equal level, then herself, family, nieces and nephews and then close friends. The distance from top for me was eye opening. Wow. When someone hurts you. You tell them. No excuse or explanation you just got hurt. How they react will determine a lot. You have to say it. I found out some personal struggles my friend was having I was mad cause she stopped shareing her triumphs and tragedies. Every story ended with if her husband approves or says OK. Texts and calls from him while she visited me. Narcissist husband? Your friend loves you. She maybe going thru personal struggle. Mine also can’t conceive has really rejected bonding with my son. Send her love, remember all her important dates, post a old pic now and then. Holding onto the connection will kill you till its resolved. I asked mine if I could find other friends lol she laughed cause I know she gets jealous.
Right I stopped and thought maybe its the one holding the scissors doing the cutting need to evaluate.
In your worse moments true friends come out if any. My friend who got distant is always at bar with group of girls posting my bffs but when one of them finds a man things fizzle. Just a cycle. I have special needs autism 3 yr old
Thank you so much for this article. It sums up how I feel. I have 2 very close best friends but somehow over the years we’ve grown apart. I hardly ever see then but when we did get together I could never really explain why I felt this way to them but this post sums it up to a T. I love them and that will never change but I can’t be the one making an effort to communicate or get together. Soon I’ll be moving in with my boy friend and then things are really going to change.
I don’t know if anyone is out there as this article is old, but I hope so! I was wondering what to do if you don’t have any friends. I find myself in that position these days. To fill the void, I’ve been confiding in my mother–which has proven to be not the best thing, let me tell you–and I’m curious how people go about their days with no one to vent to or seek advice from or just who ‘gets’ you. I read a lot, do yoga, but that’s not enough. I don’t go out specifically to meet people, I actually believe all of that happens naturally. So in the meantime, as I go through my life alone, what do I do? How do I cope? Who do I reflect to? Because when I don’t, it’s as if I’m not really here. I feel that way these days.
I love the understandings here that are not rooted in blame. There is noone to blame for friendships that end. As I’ve blossomed into my true self more and feel more connected to my heart and my truth, I am a completely different person. Caring yet with strong boundaries, more balanced. Friendships naturally shifted because they were not a match to my true self. It’s been heartbreaking but loss is such a natural part of life and a huge part, I find, of the journey to uncovering your true self and letting go of layers of the old self and removing your energetic investment from ideas and people that don’t see that true beautiful self. And taking responsibility for creating what you truly want, and giving that responsibility to others, an equal share of power. Noone to blame because we are all equally empowered, in truth, on a journey to grow in love. We branch out and connect with new souls who resonate with our new interests and passions. Perhaps we are stronger and desire people who share power with us equally- who don’t ‘need us’ and who take responsibility for their own journey so that both people come from a place of wanting to grow together through authenticity and more unconditional expressions of love, not rooted in blame or guilt, but out of the purity of love.
We don’t need to label others or our past as we shift in our journey to new connections and ideas, for truly we are only in relation to others eg. to one person, another is needy; to another person, the other seems quite emotionally distant. This is just the mind trying to understand when usually it’s just a symptom of a connection ending and we don’t now how to let go…the heart knows that we love and let go, the love remaining, the pain bringing us back to the source of our love for other people. We only need to follow our own path and try our best to respect and honour the paths of others from our hearts, with trust that we will always meet people who match us energetically at any time, or perhaps enjoy a necessary period of reconnecting with the self first. This is how I believe we continue to grow : )
Yes, I agree. It’s truly about differences. Some of us love and need space more than others. Some people love to send 10 messages a day, others like myself love sending beautiful messages but definitely not so frequently and feel smothered by that-it’s not ‘love’ to me, where to another it would be. It’s truly about finding the right friendship for you and neither pushing or withdrawing from friendships that you are genuinely interested in having. Being honest, being authentic and allowing others to be who they are.
I also want to add that in the past friendships, much like marriages, traditionally lasted a lot longer but just because something is enduring doesn’t mean it isn’t toxic. I’m thinking of abusive marriages of 25 years I’ve known of. I believe that the strength of this generation now, that is evolving more authentically, is that yes we are choosing self love more than other generations but that being true to oneself is the first step toward nurturing more authentic connections. You are not under obligations anymore to stay in relationships to be a ‘good wife’ for a toxic guy or the ‘loving friend’ who is in truth a pushover. My mother gave her heart away to everyone and she did not have boundaries and, rest her soul, she died young of breast cancer, always giving to others so this is my passion. It is a time of responsibility and living by your own choices. Don’t blame others for making authentic choices. Let them be free. The people who you are labelling as ‘unreliable’ perhaps just don’t want to be reliable to you. Let’s all just be a little bit more honest with the people in our lives so that diverse needs are met in friendship-some want more space and this feels like love for them, others want more connection. Live and let live and let us all be free to make their own choices and stop labelling others!!!