“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There was an incessant doubt deep inside that wouldn’t subside. It followed me everywhere—through the good times and the rough times.
By “good,” I mean things were okay. They were never great, ecstatic, wildly passionate, and deeply connected.
I tried to escape it, block it out, ignore it, and pretend this nagging feeling would eventually disappear.
But my heart wasn’t skipping a beat. The spark had long disappeared. I never had butterflies thinking about him. I felt myself slowly withdrawing.
And I couldn’t figure out why was this happening.
He was a wonderful man in so many ways. He treated me well. I knew he loved me. I knew he wanted to be with me. There was nothing drastically wrong with our relationship. Everything was okay with us.
I didn’t understand. I wanted to feel differently. It would have made my life so much easier.
So I contemplated. I stayed. I tried to focus on the great things about him, and us, in the hope I’d fall more in love and it’d all work out.
But it didn’t. Things didn’t change for me. That feeling was there for a reason. We really weren’t right for each other in the long term.
I agonized over what to do for months and months. Should I stay and ignore my feelings? Should I go and potentially make a massive mistake?
After much soul searching and going back and forward in my head, I finally found my answer. It broke both of our hearts but I had to trust my intuition and end it.
This experience taught me so much about myself and what I need and want in love.
I learned that when it comes to relationships, things don’t always make logical sense, you can’t force chemistry, and sometimes a breakup is the only answer.
Here are three ways to know when it’s time to break up.
1. You just know in your heart it’s not right.
This was me above. I couldn’t explain it in words; I just felt it in my bones.
I knew I should feel intensely drawn to him. I should want to spend way more time with him. I should want to share all of myself with him. I should want to make future plans with him and look forward to seeing him.
But I didn’t. And I couldn’t change it no matter how hard I tried.
I just couldn’t feel the way about him that I wanted to. And nothing I did could force that.
It was my gut, my instinct, my heart, my intuition trying to tell me that it just wasn’t right. He wasn’t “the one” for me in the same way that I wasn’t his “one,” either.
There wasn’t anything “wrong,” but the connection I desperately craved was missing. He didn’t light me up and make me want to be a better person. I didn’t feel how I wanted to with him.
This situation is difficult because you can’t always explain or articulate why you feel the way you feel.
But it’s so important to trust yourself. Those feelings are your navigation. Your truth. And when you listen, life gets so much easier and you open the channels right on up for greater love and happiness.
2. You’re miserable more often than you’re happy.
Do you spend more time fighting, arguing, and feeling annoyed and disappointed than you do enjoying, loving, and growing with one another?
I’ve been here too. And at the time I thought it was normal. So I put up with it. I kept trying to make it work. I was convinced the fighting would eventually stop if I could be everything he wanted.
But this isn’t normal, and we were definitely not right for each other. It shouldn’t be this difficult (especially in the beginning).
Of course, every couple disagrees at times, and that’s normal. But it’s how you communicate and navigate these differences that can make or break your relationship.
If you constantly push each other’s buttons and find there’s always tension between you, something’s not right.
If you try to sort out your issues (whether just between the two of you or by seeking help) and you still find yourself miserable more than 50% of the time, it’s a sign this relationship isn’t healthy.
Really, you should be happy together more like 90% of the time!
It’s time for bigger, better, happier, more loving times. You know what you need to do.
3. Your values, morals, and beliefs are misaligned.
Do you and your partner have different ideas and plans for money, marriage, children, religion, travel, family, work, and life in general?
Of course, all of our ideas and opinions aren’t always going to be exactly the same. That would just be weird and boring.
But is there a mountain of differences or even just a few big ones that make you really uncomfortable?
This is tricky to navigate. You might find that for a while you’re both able to come to a happy compromise or in the beginning of the relationship you can avoid those big contentious issues.
But I promise you they won’t go away. They’re going to shine bright at some point or another, and if both of you feel strongly about the topic it’s going to make your relationship extremely difficult.
Years ago my long-term (ex) partner wouldn’t even entertain a conversation about marriage or having children. After a couple of years together this was a huge warning for me that he didn’t see our relationship progressing much further for a long time.
I wanted something completely different than he did in life, and it was so important to me to be able to at least discuss these things. It made me realize we really weren’t right for one another. It was time to walk.
To be happy, comfortable, and growing in a relationship, you both need to be on the same page. You need to feel understood, accepted, and heard. When there are differing views on important life topics, this becomes almost impossible and can be difficult to resolve.
When you want the same things and feel similar ways about important issues couples are faced with, your relationship is so much more harmonious, connected, and easy.
So you’re going to want to think long and hard about whether the two of you are really compatible and what kind of differences you’re okay with.
If there are too many to count or you just find yourself butting heads about critical issues that you both refuse to compromise on, it’s time to go your own ways.
—
Many say that relationships are hard work. This is true to some degree. There will always be tough times that test you both and ask for compromise, but I truly believe that the majority of the time relationships should bring joy, inspiration, and happiness to both of you.
This is when you know it’s real. It’s right. It’s love.
Things aren’t meant to be hard. You’re supposed to support, encourage, and love each other, not constantly struggle with one another or question things.
I know breakups aren’t easy. They’re just as heart breaking for the person ending it as it is for the partner on the receiving end. And the wounds take time to heal.
But if you’re continuously unhappy, seriously, what’s the point? You really are better off alone or with someone who brings you true joy.
So go ahead and trust your heart and your own instinct. You know deep down what the answer is and where your truth lies.
Be brave. Know that the pain will go and more joy will come. Do what you need to do to find real love. It’s always, always worth it.
About Pia Scade
Pia Scade is a love coach, writer and advocate for creating passionate, awe-inspiring relationships. You’ll find her writing weekly at www.piascade.com and shining laser beams on your beauty, intuition and purpose in order to unchain your deepest desires and manifest your wildest, dreamiest love life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
You didn’t love him. Simple as that. Everything else is secondary.
i agree
I really just want to say thank you for this post.
Relationships are complicated. We are never attracted to who a person actually is but rather a projection from ourselves of who we think they are. Invariably, eventually some months in, we discover that the other is not who we thought they were. This is the point at which our work begins and mature love separates itself from immature love. Leaving is always an option for either party but if you are committed to growth, leaving should be reserved solely for destructive relationships or if staying inhibits the growth of one or both of you. If you focus on what you don’t have rather than what you do have, what makes you think you will appreciate something different. Mature love is a choice. Sometimes it’s a daily choice. If your problem manifested as withdrawal, radical disconnection will not be your solution. Staying is always harder. It requires being an adult and finally growing up…it requires doing the work you both need to do to have the relationship you both deserve. The rewards though are real and lasting.
Wonderful post! You really hit the dilemma on the head, something so hard to put into words. Truly inspiring and encouragement to follow instinct! 🙂
You make it sound so simple! I’m sure it wasn’t, it must have been really hard to finally walk! I’m in that situation now.
My husband is a nice guy, most of the time. He is intelligent, makes good money, comes for a decent family. I’ve a daughter, smart, intelligent and beautiful. We have a nice house, cars etc etc…Everything is so great, so why do I feel so unhappy? Why do I prefer not to spend time with him, to be on my own? Prefer him on tours rather than at home!
He had an affair, but came back to me and instead of reworking on my marriage, I revisit the time when I had a chance to leave and didn’t. I’m constantly thinking about leaving, but just unable to do it!
I know deep in my heart I don’t want to be with him, yet I feel I need more than just ‘it’s not working out’ for justifying why I want to leave!
Any advise on this? Thanks for reading!
so true — I think the key to what you said is “if you are committed to growth…”
I find that’s the hardest thing to find — 2 people that are committed to growth and have awareness around that.
Thanks for sharing. takes a lot of courage to leave a situation like that; I’ve been there.
What if your unhappy to begin with and that person youre with motivates you from time to time? but your still unsure if hes the one because theres no more excitement.Without him its bad and with him its ok…
Wow this is beautifully written. I am going through this exact situation right now. Took two years to finally decide I needed to leave the marriage. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish it could have worked but it just couldn’t. I tried everything I could think of but my heart wasn’t in it anymore and neither was his. I’m excited for a new beginning and to move on finally. I felt very alone while making this decision because people don’t often talk about this so I appreciate this article. I’m starting to question the whole concept of marriage and the idea of keeping a romantic relationship for an entire lifetime. Perhaps we should just enjoy today and leave the lifetime requirement out of it.
My advice is to put work into your marriage – actual, legit work including marriage counseling, going on dates with your husband, and finding time for just the two of you. If all of that doesn’t translate into renewed love then at least you can say you tried. I’m 100% in a marriage much like you are (minus the affair). I feel in my heart and to my bones that he is not “the one”. We have two kids, and we’re trying very hard to save this relationship, however, I know in my heart that there is no happily ever after for us. BUT at least we can say that we tried – for our kids if nothing else. The hardest part will be starting the conversation with your husband – don’t hesitate, just do it. If you hesitate, you will never go through with it. I’ve had these lingering feelings for my entire marriage (12 years). You don’t need anymore than the feelings in your heart to justify it. It seems like it would be easier to justify if there were major issues like drugs or abuse, but a lack of love is as good a reason as any. Trust your heart. Trust yourself.
After 24 years of marriage, I’m in the same boat. So good to know I’m not alone or crazy…
This is so how I feel. I’m struggling with myself and having my own problems and my guy keeps helping me and making things better. Sometimes I just feel we aren’t right for each other. That we have different beliefs, but he helps me, loves me and supports me. I just need to be working on myself and it’s really difficult and I think it’s very difficult for him sometimes too. Wish life and love was a bit easier
A lot of people are unhappy nowadays and its hard to know if the source of the unhappiness is within them or is the result of the actions or inactions of others. John Gray the relationship councillor who wrote “women are from venus, men are from mars” switched his approach to solving relationship problems a few years back. He found no matter how many changes or compromises he got one partner to make, in many cases he couldn’t make the other happy. The goal posts were constantly changing. He now advises diet and supplements to balance brain chemistry before doing anything else.
In my mind a lot of the problem is depression and an unrealistic idea of happily ever after as portrayed in the media.
As Stephen Fraser said, we fall in love with an idea of a person, when that illusion is shattered, what is left is friendship and companionship.
An adult relationship.
If you’ve given it your all and tried all the possibilities and your deepest needs are not being met, if there are no children and your so unhappy that you would be happier on your own then consider leaving. However are you chasing first love? Or is the unhappiness in you?
This is just based on what I know about me, and not judgement of others.
Yeah, this is so very true. Does the feeling of love truly come from the other person in a wave form or from our own chemical brain.
Do we only ever active the love in others rather than project love to them?
I was one of these other guys in this situation. Reading this makes me realize just how much of a used and disposed piece of crap I was. I loved her, and will never forgive her.
When we speak of being in a “committed” relationship, apart from meaning “exclusive” it also means that neither of us will run when it gets hard…but both people have to own their part and do their part if you are to move through this…but disillusionment is a predictable stage we all must transition through toward mature love..it doesn’t “feel” good when we are stuck in this stage…our feelings are all over the map…so the last thing we should be using as our guide is our feelings. This is a rich stage for growth though…if we have the courage to stay and work through our stuff…if we run…our stuff goes with us.
JS, I feel just like you do. I esp related to “Why do I prefer not to spend time with him, to be on my own? Prefer him on tours rather than at home!” My husband will be returning from a 4 day business trip in the next hour, and my stomach is turning to knots. He travels a lot, and those are the only days I am happy. When he is home, I spend a great deal of time arranging a schedule that keeps me away from home. I answered yes to all 3 issues above….but just too afraid to actually do something. What if things are worse for me and my daughter if I leave? How can I put my own happiness ahead of my daughters? 20 years of marriage for me, the last 6 or 7 have been unhappy, sleeping in separate beds for the last 4.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject. They so mirror my own. I have a question for folks: how can you risk your children’s happiness for your own? I have a 12 yo daughter and one that is out of the nest. The 12yo adores her Dad. How can I subject her to the awfulness of a divorce merely for my own happiness?
I stuck with someone whose mantra was that “relationships are meant to be hard work”…and he was convinced that the hard work should keep us together. But I knew that wasn’t right. And eventually I had to be the bad guy and pull the plug on our relationship because I was definitely spending more time being unhappy than happy. You said it best:
“Things aren’t meant to be hard. You’re supposed to support, encourage, and love each other, not constantly struggle with one another or question things.”
Thank you! God bless.
Thanks Pia for this article. I just had the exact same experience.
In January, I decided to divorce my husband. He’s a very nice guy, smart, we see life the same way but feelings were long gone and we slowly drifted apart over the last 3 years. It was a tough decision. Not only I was breaking my marriage but I was also losing my best friend (because we were friends, no longer lover). It was scary, in many ways. But as soon as I took my decision and shared it with him, I felt so much better and I knew I took the right the decision (definitely trust your instincts).
The last 9 months have not always been easy or fun, and it’s still not perfect today, but I am so much more happy. I love my new life, I feel connected with my true self that I lost touch with a long time ago. And now I also know what I want from my future partner so I can be happy and in a great relationship.
Can’t wait to see what the future has for me! 🙂
Relationships are hard sometimes and they are meant to be. When you’re in a relationship, you learn how to manage the fact that the world doesn’t always revolve around you. Couples should be coming together and fitting perfectly sometimes, and at other time rubbing each other the wrong way and in that process, smoothing each other’s rough edges.
The above scenario works when you’re dating, and it’s necessary to look for what you would feel to be a good match, because, if you decide to marry that should be long term. Marriage is the commitment you make that says “I’m going to love you ‘for better or for worse’ “.
When you do decide to marry though, you realize that the “heart skipping a beat” type of love fades into something deeper and more mature. That’s when you have to work on it and be careful that it doesn’t fade away into nothing.
Many people fall in and out of relationships because once they keep looking for that one person that keeps the initial “puppy love” spark going and don’t realize that sometimes YOU have to keep that spark going. And sometimes that takes some work, and some sacrifice. That’s where commitment comes in. Feelings are fickle, but commitment says “I owe it to myself and my partner to ride through this ebbing of feelings and work to bring back the flow”.
Yes it’s a two way street, but marriage isn’t “I’ll do this he he/she does that”. In marriage you be who you are, live your life with some who is your friend first and you put in 100%. You’re a team working towards the same goal. And that’s why maintaining that relationship is hard work.
I whole-heartedly agree, Stephen. Thank you. I think the problem with my last boyfriend is that he continues to believe that a woman is going to come waltzing into his life making him feel a never-ending feeling of bliss. While romantic, I feel this is a very childish and naive way to view relationships. I was happy with him and I felt we were growing (even if at a slow pace), but he felt that our slow approach and the fact that he didn’t feel like living together (yet?) by a certain time frame was a clear sign of ‘no future.’ My parting words was that a relationship is what you make it. It doesn’t fall into your lap. I couldn’t believe he was going to throw away four years of what we’d built together because he ‘needed to see what else was out there.’ I felt like he was telling me that while I was a ‘good match’, he could probably do better. The funny thing is…it’s me who can do better.
Yes…thank you for that Franki…Hollywood and the media has sold us all a bill of goods that if we can only find the “one” our happiness will be assured. That this person will be our source of bliss and we should hold out for our “soul mate” and the abundance we deserve. “What screws us up most is the picture in our head of what
it’s supposed to look like. ”
One of the best analogies I’ve heard about relationships is the “empty box”.. We have all been led to believe that finding “the one” will provid us with a gift box of overflowing abundance, passion and bliss…the truth is though, relationships are actually “empty boxes” and it’s not about continually going to the box and taking from it, but rather about putting joy, love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding into the box…it’s about making meeting the needs of the other “as important” as meeting our own needs..any romantic love without struggle is probably not worth having..obviously there is a point or threshold of intolerable struggle…when it is better to leave a relationship rather than to stay, but that threshold is much further along than most of us accept.
When someone leaves you either because they don’t see you as “the one” and aren’t willing to do “the work” they have actually done you a huge favor. They have set you free to love fully with someone else.
If we stay…and work through our dissolutionment we begin to see each other as we actually are…the strengths and the weaknesses..the light and the dark…it is our choice then to embrace the whole person as they are…this is mature love…we don’t necessarily “like” everything about each other, but we accept each other unconditionally…isn’t this exactly what we are all looking for? We all deserve this.
Wonder why she left?
No I wonder why she wasted 2 years of my life. Wish I walked at the first sign of trouble.
🙁
:((
Thanks for your insights Stephen and Nadia! Yes, very true. There will always be difficult times in relationships and it’s about knowing whether it’s just a difficult time or whether that person is fundamentally not the right person for you to spend your life with. A tricky distinction but an extremely important one.
Hi Franki, Something so important to a happy, healthy relationship is coming into one as a whole being to give… not to be filled up by someone else or reliant on your partner to make you happy all the time. This is an unachievable role and until we love ourselves we’ll never feel truly loved by another.
So beautifully said Stephen 🙂
Yes, and at the same time I don’t think everyone is suited to one another and a choice not to embrace the whole person as they are is sometimes a healthier decision… especially when things are abusive or very unhealthy.
So glad the article has helped you Christy. And you should be proud that you’ve had the courage to do what you know in your heart is the right thing for you. If we don’t fill ourselves up and love ourselves first, we really can’t give back to anyone on a deep level. You have to trust yourself. Good luck on your new journey. The world is your oyster!
To this whole thread- JS, FW63, Turquoise, BB… You have ONE life. And it’s meant to be lived with joy, passion, happiness and fulfilment. Relationhips are such a huge part of our life that affect us in every way. Each of us is powerful and worthy of everything we want and that absolutely includes the gift of being in a loving, healthy relationship. You have a choice! There are billions of of people in the world. Chances are you’ll either be happier on your own to start with and you will find that right person who makes your heart sing. Please don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life or love. Our time on Earth is way too short for that x
I guess my question to you is… how would your daughter feel in the years to come that you stayed in a relationship you are so unhappy in? And also, is staying in a relationship that’s not healthy a good thing for your daughter and what example are we setting for our children when we do this? Would you want her to do the same later in life? With love x
You’re so welcome BLT 🙂
You’re absolutely right Lemonade… feelings do change over time and that’s normal. We do have to work at relationships and to ride out the tough times. But when it’s not healthy anymore, you’ve tried everything and you know in your heart you’re not right for each other, I don’t think anyone should sacrifice their life and happiness for the sake of a commitment you made. Being a martyr doesn’t serve anyone. People change and sometimes we do need to part ways.
Claire, that’s just amazing! You should be so proud that you loved yourself enough to do what you knew was right for you. So many of us are too fearful of the unknown to do what we know we need to know… and we suffer each and every moment we ignore our intuition. You’re right, it’s not easy… it’s still a tough decision and not one you make lightly but it’s the right one. And how awesome now you know exactly what you want in your future partner. Sending you love and light on this new journey of yours x
Ahsrah, you’re spot on… they’re not meant to be hard work. They’re meant to be a loving place where we come to fill each other up and feel the safest of anywhere. That’s not to say that there won’t be times where it’s difficult… but that’s totally different to it being hard work most of the time. Good on you for doing what you know was right. Get clear on what you really want in a relationship and this will make a decision to embark on the next one (with a much better suited person) much easier 🙂
Simon, so true and I think the message here is that we need to love ourselves first and be happy in our own life before we enter a relationship in order for us to be happy in a relationship. If we’re not happy in the first place, no one else is going to be able to do that for us. It’s an impossible challenge that ruins relationships. Happiness all has to start within!
You have to do some soul searching… what does your heart, intuition, gut tell you? You know the answer deep down. No-one else can tell you that. What I can say is that you should be happy in a relationship the majority of the time. It shouldn’t be a constant struggle and life’s too short to spend wondering and sacrificing what you really want. Sometimes love actually isn’t enough. There needs to be solid foundations, common ground and a common vision for things to work in the long term… otherwise you’re just constantly battling between each others desires.
Thankyou so much Iv2terp…. yes, our intuition never lies… all the answers are there 🙂
Exactly…those “are” both reasons to leave.
I’ve been in a relationship with the most wonderful woman I’ve known. We share a deep bond and bring each other love, support and joy. Unfortunately we failed to confront a major issue early on. She wants children and I do not. It was foolish of us not to deal with this until we had fallen in love. And now we must face reality. If she does not have children, she will become unfulfilled. I am at a point in life where I do not honestly desire to raise a child. I tried to embrace the idea for her happiness, but in doing so I was becoming unhappy. It created an internal conflict. This is such a deep heartache for us both. We now have to let each other go. There is no choice. Some things that can be worked through and some things that cant. Thank you for your writing Pia. It is helpful.
I’m with you brother. Same situation. Thought she loved me, but she disposed me justifying herself like the author of this article.
It’s weird. I remember my first love saying at one point how she didn’t have butterflies around me. Now I think of my wife who I love, although in a very different and perhaps more mature way. No, the butterflies aren’t there per se… not in the same way. But the shared values are, the ability on both sides to compromise and see how we both benefit from this, and the genuine caring for one another. I’d rather take a responsible love than one based on potentially fleeting passion. Although I wish I would have not experienced the fleeting passion.
I’ve noticed in your responses to people you’ve included words like “not healthy”, “abusive” – yet you mentioned in the article that your relationship was “okay”. I think maybe you should meditate on that “mature love” Stephen mentioned.
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As a younger person who has never been married, I’m really interested in how married couples feel about their relationships so that I can learn and have perspective when/if the time comes. It seems from this thread that the marriages have overall been unhappy. But was there ever a spark? Did you feel at one point he was the one? Are you not just feeling the inevitable loss of lust/puppy love and if that’s not it, how can you tell the difference and that it’s time to quit? I’d be wary to trust feelings that don’t trigger the “spark” because you can’t always be floating on cloud 9. Realistically, do most marriages get stale after a decade or more?!