“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Do you ever catch yourself being critical, judgmental, or full of fear and worry? And do you ever worry about how many negative thoughts you have? If you do, this post is for you.
We’re taught that negative thoughts are bad, that they’re “toxic,” they “lower your vibration,” keep you stuck, and so on.
We’re taught that in order to feel self-assured and confident, we should banish negative thoughts from our lives. Kind of like, goodbye, negative thoughts; hello, higher vibration, better boyfriend, nicer car, inner peace, and so on.
So what do you do with all that negative junk in your head? How do you make it stop? And is trying to jam a positive thought over a negative one really the best way to manage the situation?
The reason I’m thinking about this today is that it’s 7:30am and for the past three hours I’ve been watching Mad Men. Yep. Instead of setting myself up for the day with a restful sleep, I’ve been watching T.V. for half the night.
To be fair, it’s an unusual thing for me to do, but still, you should hear the rubbish my mind is telling me:
You’re such a lazy little missy.
You’re going to have a bad day.
You’re not going to get anywhere like this.
Yikes.
People often advise you to trade a negative thought for a positive one using techniques like affirmations. Quick, quell those negative thoughts! But is this really the best way forward?
Most people misunderstand this whole negative thinking debacle because they misunderstand what thoughts are in the first place.
Happiness doesn’t depend on how few negative thoughts you have, but on what you do with the ones you have.
This brings me to the first piece of good news:
1. It’s normal to have negative thoughts.
The human mind thinks about a squillion thoughts every day, and on average about a squillion minus a hundred are negative. It’s true. I Googled it.
Most of us are awash with negative thoughts. Even ones that seem positive, like I’m so great because I just got a new car, are really only negative ones in disguise, since they reinforce the belief you weren’t great before you got the new car.
And that’s the good news—negative thoughts are a normal part of human functioning.
This means you don’t have to worry about the fact that you’re having them in the first place. No matter how gnarly they get, it’s all pretty normal.
This brings me to the second piece of good news:
2. You don’t have to believe your negative thoughts!
Nope.
You don’t actually have to believe your thoughts. It’s as simple as that. Sort of. No, it is, but let me explain.
Your mind would like you to believe that all of your thoughts are correct. One of the ways it does this is by having you think that you and it are one. The truth is your mind is just one part of you; it isn’t you.
Being able to separate your thoughts from your sense of self is one of the most useful things you can do. Try this: think of yourself as being made up of four parts.
- Mind
- Physical body
- Heart
- Spiritual aspect
This means: You. Are. Not Your. Mind. Your mind is just a tool for you to use.
All of your thoughts and perceptions are filtered through your unique belief system, and it’s this filter that causes negative thoughts. The negativity is in the filter.
When you try to “heal” and “grow,” what you’re trying to do is change the filter; you’re trying to change your belief system. You are the bit underneath your thoughts, and you will never change. You can’t—nor would you want to. You’re perfect.
You don’t have to analyze your nasty, critical thoughts, or worry about them. They’re just thoughts. If you really want to have fewer of them, stop listening to them.
Feeling solidly peaceful and contented occurs when your mind is quiet, or in the moments, no matter how small, when you remember that you don’t have to believe your thoughts.
Or, as I like to say, ”I don’t feel bad; my mind does!”
One thing I find helpful for dealing with a long held critical belief is to treat it like a game.
I think to myself, what if I didn’t believe this, even for a few seconds? The result is always strangely exhilarating. I can actually feel what it’s like to not believe it. (And sometimes it does only last for a few seconds!)
So what about thinking positively—that’s good for me right?
Sure, but the trick is in how you go about it, which is the third piece of good news:
3. You can get positive about negative thoughts.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing to have a positive thought. Just know that the negative thought didn’t matter in the first place. It probably wasn’t true and it doesn’t “mean” things about you.
When you jump on “negative” thoughts and reject them in a knee-jerk way, you’re saying to yourself, “I’m not good enough. If I were good enough, I wouldn’t have had that thought in the first place.”
This is at least as negative as the initial thought.
It may seem a subtle difference, but that tiny step of noticing the thought and not believing it is where the growth lies. And the more you do this, the less “negative thoughts” you have and the easier it is to recognize them when you have them.
People think that “thinking positively” is the way to healing, but the quickest way is to first accept that the only reason you feel bad in the first place is because you’re listening to the rubbish your mind is telling you.
You could try and figure out where your negative thoughts come from—but since they’re just based on faulty beliefs, why not just ignore them?
Learning to ignore the voice inside our head telling us we’re not good enough, not worthy of love, and so on is what we’re here to do. Next time you have a thought that makes you feel uneasy, try this:
Notice your thought, as in: ah, hello, thought. I know you’re not real; you are just a thought. Oh well, you can stay there if you like, but I have things to do today so I’m just going to go ahead and do them.
Then if you want to think a positive thought, go right ahead!
And as for me I’m headed to the kitchen to make porridge after which you’ll probably find me tucked up on the sofa having a nap.
Oh well.
Negative thoughts image via Shutterstock
About Lisa Esile
Lisa grew up in New Zealand and now lives in Los Angeles. Lisa and her husband Franco are the authors of WHOSE MIND IS IT ANYWAY: GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND INTO YOUR LIFE (Penguin Random House, 2016). You can grab a FREE copy of her book, "The Lazy Person's Guide to Feeling Awesome and Ultimate ALL the time," here!
- Web |
- Google+ |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for this post, Lisa! I find myself inside my head so much throughout the day. I’m often convinced to believe such false ideas since I sometimes look at those ideas with eyes of the past. I’m defiantly going to try and utilize your tips. Thanks again! 🙂
1) excellent post! Its as if the universe dropped this on me at just the right moment for it to be super relevant ans helpful! 🙂 and 2) excellent use of the word “gnarly” haha! Namaste!!
I have a question I would love to get others’ feedback on, though. What if we really did something wrong, say, hurt someone, either intentionally or intentionally, and our mind keeps telling us that we did something wrong, are not worthy of love, etc.? For example, I know someone who keeps hurting his family, beats his wife and does not take care of his children. Should he dismiss his negative thoughts, too, even though it looks like he is not conscious of the extent to which he’s causing them to suffer? In this case, do we not need those negative thoughts to get us back on the right track, to change for the better?
thanks a lot for ur such a great thought,its actully meant for me………..
Thanks Red! Pleased you enjoyed it:)
hi KR,
Thanks for your question. It’s a really great one too.
I can see where you’re coming from, however, the example you give is an example of you making a judgment of someone else. My advice would be to reflect on the idea using a ‘negative thought’ about yourself:)
Thanks again,
Lisa
Thanks Adam – yes it’s easy to do, I agree!
I was reading a book the other day that beautifully described the human tendency to see things, as you say, ‘with eyes of the past,’ without realizing it. The author, Henri Bortoft, called it “the transparency of the mind.” (In his book ‘The Wholeness of Nature’ about Goethe’s). I love that. Transparent is right! Thanks again:) Lisa
My pleasure. I’m pleased it struck a chord:)
Thank you. Too often we focus on “OMG!Must get rid of all bad thoughts ever!” and don’t realize that what we should really be doing is not fighting ourselves to get rid of them, but not letting them control us. It is all too easy for the “Must get rid of negative thoughts” to become “I’m a terrible person because I had a negative thought” which is, in itself, a negative thought, and heading into a downward spiral.
Exactly!
This helped me tons . Thanks .
I loved this!! Thank you so much – I struggle with doubting my decisions and second guessing myself all the time. I love the simplicity of your suggestions and the light touch you gave.
Thank you so much for your insights and for sharing it!
Thank you so much- this was incredibly helpful, exactly what I needed right now and probably have needed for the past few years. Thank you thank you thank you! Hope you have a wonderful day!
I’m surprised there was no mention of meditation in this post. It’s through meditation and mindfulness that we train our awareness to more easily recognize and release these thoughts.
And a wonderful day to you too! Thanks so much for your note:)
Hi Susie,
Great to hear it resonated with you! Thanks so much for your comment:)
Excellent! My pleasure:)
Best post I read in a Long Long While.
Hi Phil,
Thanks for your comment. I agree that practicing meditation and mindfulness can help us notice our thoughts more easily – though they’re not the only ways (I’m also a big fan of being silent and actively ‘doing nothing’). This article didn’t include that side of things because I wanted to make the point as clearly and simply as I could, that “negative thoughts, in and of themselves aren’t bad.” I think this understanding is useful whether we’re ‘meditators’ or not. :))
🙂 Pleased to hear this resonated with you.
Needed this today 🙂 After a year of ‘healing’ and ‘growing’, I can have some wonderfully clear days where thoughts (both positive and the million negative) can pass by like clouds. That’s when it’s crystal clear that these thoughts don’t actually matter. Then there are other days where ‘oh no, I’m having negative thoughts, I’m not ‘fixed’ yet!’ is the background narrative in my head. I try to go about my day and remember the days and moments when I chose not to believe in my thoughts as a way to remind myself. The good news is that yes it does get better. Or at least you get good at not latching onto the negative talk in the head. Also, the momentum of negative thoughts also reduces somewhat. I’m excited about my present and look forward to my future 🙂
I am fairly new to this site. I have read many posts on here none of which resonated with me on the level that your post did. It was truly mesmerising and hit the nail right on its head. I cannot thank you enough. I am so glad you did stay awaked that night and share such indepth, unique and priceless realisations. I will take this to the grave such is the power and simplicity of expression you conveyed. THANK YOU!! and please do share some more, I could do with a daily dose of your work 🙂
THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart. I needed to hear this. 🙂 And you have worded it and put it together so eloquently. Like Amna, after a growth-filled year I am really getting ahead and doing so many great things in life, but there are also so many moments when I forget to love myself and then the negative thoughts can get at me. They hurt me, make me doubt myself and my abilities and throw me into anxiety attacks.
Just lately I realised I’d got deeper into this when I started being disappointed about myself because I think negatively and I let that run away with me. All that, when I had put so much work and learning in love-filled thinking. So this comes at just the right time for me, and in particular your line “It’s normal to have negative thoughts” gave me a real shock. I need to hold the thought in my mind for a bit more because I can’t even get my head around it properly at this moment. You mean it’s not my fault that I can’t suppress them and choose positive over negative thoughts? 😉
All of this is so much about shedding, letting go and simply being. That message is coming to me lately from all kinds of sources. It’s probably time.
Again, thank you so much. 🙂
What a great way to break down negative thoughts. This theory is similar to ‘The Secret’ portrayed by Greek Philosophy.. I am a veteran currently battling PTSD and after years of trying to figure of how to conquere this on my own I finally gave in to treatment. Unfortunately recommended for ‘medicine’ which I dont agree with taking a chemical to control my thoughts which are starting to work but I pray one day have the strength to get off them! Anyway off my soap box thanks for the wise words Lisa!
I’ve written your words “I don’t feel badly , my mind does ” on a paper and put it where I can always see it , It’s a relief from the talk inside my head.
Simply awesome. I’m becoming a fan of you.
Thank you! Needed to hear this today as I had a run in with a colleague that undermined me and started a chain of negative thoughts running in my head. Nice to accept them and learn. Peace.
Thanks Jorge!
How cool. And do you know you’re the second person to tell me you’ve done that. Might have to try it myself! 🙂
My pleasure – pleased to hear it was timely!
Hi Iris, thanks so much for your comment and sharing your experience. And yes, it’s not your fault you can’t suppress them! They really are a normal part of what the mind does – the part that hurts is when we believe them. Good idea to give yourself time to wrap your head around this new idea:) Best wishes to you!
Hey lovely Lisa, what a great post. I just love the simplicity of your writing that somehow slaps me across the head (in a nice way of course) each time I read something of yours. This all makes so much sense and presented in this fashion also makes it easy to digest and actually implement into your daily life. Thanks again for being a fountain of inspiration 🙂
Hello Lisa.
This is what i needed at the moment. I have been not keeping up with health since a very long time which kind of made me very low. I feared that its something huge and thousand more negative thoughts crossed my mind all the time. But after reading this all i can say is i feel much better. Half of the illness i had, now i think was because of my negative approach towards it.It’s strange how words can change your life. You made it possible for me. Can’t thank you enough. God Bless 🙂
Love the idea of playing a game with your negative thoughts…. I’m going to try that… Team up the competitive and rational part of my brain against the negative one and let them duke it out while I try to enjoy the present 🙂 Brilliant!
Coincidentally, the bulk of my negative thoughts in the recent past were due to Mad Men! I discovered it on Netflix and went through 3 seasons during two weekends! I normally don’t watch much TV but this one has me hooked…. The rational part of my brain says the sooner I go through the last season(fortunately, Netflix only has 4 seasons!) the sooner I will be free to do more productive things without having to constantly fight temptation but the negative part of my brain is calling me names making it hard to enjoy watching it.
Hi Amna, I so enjoy hearing your story, thank you. Best wishes on your journey and with practicing ignoring the negative mind chatter!
Hi Sumitha – how funny to hear your experience with Mad Men! Have fun playing with your negative thoughts. It really is true that the less attention you pay them, the more they calm down! 🙂 Best wishes.
It’s my pleasure! Thanks so much for your note. And I agree, it is strange how words can change your life – sometimes just the slightest shift in perception can make all the difference. I”m so pleased to hear this article was useful for you. Best wishes, Lisa.
Hey Joe who writes kind words! Thanks so much for your comment – great to hear you enjoyed the article:)
Hi Dee, thanks for your note, and it’s so my pleasure! I presume you’ve been to my website and found my book, newsletter and things?
Hi Anthony, thanks for your note. I haven’t heard of ‘The Secret’ that you’re referring to – will check it out. Cool. Love a new read. And if you want to email me personally there are a couple of resources I could recommend, that might be helpful. And are you familiar with the David Lynch Foundation? I noticed the other day that they have a transcendental meditation based program for veterans. Wishing you all the best.
GREAT post!!!! I love your insight, wisdom, humor, and clear message! That is a wonderful perspective on negative thoughts. Also the message that we are made of of different parts, the mind and us are not one. Thank you! 🙂
Lisa, I loved this post so much that I printed it out and will be handing it out to my clients and the staff that I supervise. I am a psychotherapist who works with rape victims and survivors of various forms of sexual assault and trauma. You worded this so eloquently and in a way that anyone can understand and have an ‘ah ha!’ moment 🙂 I teach my clients this line of thinking frequently, but seeing it in writing really gets the message across.
Thank you!
🙂
Love it, thank you!!
“Awareness is like sunlight in the fog”!!! (Jack Kornfield)
Thanks, Lisa, some more fruit for thoughts! Even though I am pretty much into self improvement myself, I realize every day about how human I am despite all awareness mechanisms. I usually struggle with the second point, acceptance that those thoughts are there, but not believing in them. What helps me the most is to think of someone who is worse of than me. That gets me back on track, a bit radical, but it works, for me.
Like many of the people who have already commented, this comes at such perfect timing. I don’t usually comment on posts, in fact I try and stay off too much social networking as I find it only increases self-critical thoughts, but this post and site have helped me so much. For my entire life, I tried to “think myself out of a negative thought”, replace it with a “positive affirmation” and then analyze something that really held no validity to begin with, then inevitably fall into ruminating thinking.Then I took a mindfulness class and something miraclous happened: I heard that my thoughts were not TRUE! Until then, I presumed my thoughts, even if irrational, carried some glimmer of truth, otherwise I would not have had the thought in the first place…right!? Actually, no! I have tried to become more aware of thoughts in the background and how easily they can sneak to the forefront when they trigger self doubt. I have also tried to make it a bit like a game because it can even be funny to notice the flat-out lies we tell ourselves! And then there are days where it isn’t so funny and we have to keep reminding ourselves that “I don’t feel badly. My mind (or body if I feel panicky for that matter) does!”. Thank you for this post!!
Hi Tammy, that’s wonderful to hear! Best wishes in your good work and thanks for saying:)
Thanks Barb! What a great visual – I haven’t heard that before. Nice:)
Hi…:) I have recently move in Adelaide s.a.with my lovely wife and daughter for a new beginning in life,and I find my self having negative thoughts lately something that stresses me a lot I can say…there are so many things to deal here with our new life,and thank god my wife and child help me alot in this with they’re way,but these thoughts always appear in my way and move my body sometimes in a way that I don’t want…I’ll try yr way Lisa and fingers cross I hope to get results:)thanx a lot for sharing the way to light and inner piece
I have gotten in to a bad habit of believing that those negative thoughts make me feel like I am here, existing. I am an artist, drawing is my happy place. Where I go to get away, to be in a judgement free zone. Where my thoughts are lurking, but do not bother me. It is sick, but I tend to like my thoughts. Viewing it at times as a self-furfilling prophecy. I have never purposely caused harm to others. I am told I am very genuine. My ex-girlfriend’s mother told me I see beauty in everything. I have been called an old soul since young. A serious man.
At times I see how my thoughts are troublesome, but other times I feel like it is a path I am following. If I were to stop and reach that sense of tranquility now it would halt my growth. Even writing this now I see what I need to do. Maybe keep my thoughts and at the same time allow myself to view things differently, but it is not like I put a barrier between myself and those around me. It tends to feel like everything is up to me. I keep a journal, but a thought of egocentricity comes upon me. After hearing my ex-girlfriend tell me that I only love myself, the ego has become something I am aware of at all times. That statement was simply not true, I did everything for her.
I seek to live righteous in every way possible. Sometimes I don’t see the point, but I know what I feel is so strong that I will be alright. We should not trick ourselves to being happy, is self-discovery possible if we are doing so?