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25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; they focused on painful memories and all the ways I felt my childhood had damaged me.

The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion and unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: We focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement.

It’s an epidemic in an individualistic culture where self-reliance, autonomy, and the pursuit of personal gain can leave us feeling isolated and pressured to succeed. This may not be true for everyone, but I know when I get caught up complaining, nine out of ten times what I need to do is stop obsessing about the circumstances of my life.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve learned that we don’t need to live life in a constant state of reaction to things that seem difficult or unfair. We don’t have to be the victims of bad coming at us. Our lives don’t have to be the sum of our problems—not if we take responsibility for putting good into the world.

That starts by fostering a greater appreciation for our interdependence. We are not alone. The world is not against us, and we don’t have to be against each other. We don’t have to let our fears, insecurities, and wants boil over inside us until we’re all a bunch of incompatible toxic chemicals waiting to explode the second we collide.

You can always find a negative story to tell—some situation when another person was insensitive, selfish, uncaring, unfair, or just plain wrong. You can also find an underlying struggle that doesn’t justify but might explain their behavior.

If you absolutely can’t channel that compassion and patience, you can always find at least one good thing someone did in your day.

When that stranger held the elevator open, when your coworker let you take the lead in your meeting, when your father called just to say she loves you; they’re all reminders people are looking out for you—maybe not all of them, and maybe not all the time, but probably more than you notice.

An even better way to honor our interconnection: be someone else’s positive story. Be the kindness that reminds someone else the world is not against them. Give them an anchor of positivity to find later if their circumstances seem overwhelming.

If you’ve ever ended a stressful day with a long hug—the type that’s so needed and loving it’s near impossible not to relax and receive—you know the power of a simple gesture.

Need some ideas for simple kindnesses? I recommend checking out the Tiny Buddha Facebook page, where I recently asked friends, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else?”

Some of my favorite suggestions (out of 158) include:

1. Try to accept people with an open mind and refrain from making judgments, which are often wrong anyway. (Brandon Hartford)

2. Let them know how much you appreciate them. (Florence Leedy)

3. Any deed done for someone else is a kind one when you don’t expect something in return. (Courtney Olsen)

4. Do little things like hold doors open or let folk go in or out first. Little things can make a big difference for someone who’s not having a great day. (Elke Wallace)

5. Accept them for who they are and who they strive to be. (Dylan Clauson)

6. Let them know they’ve made you smile. (Monika Sylvestre)

7. Be with them when they need you. For the rest of the time, let them be free. (Rohin Khanna)

8. Tell them the truth. (Krista Hale)

9. Tell them why they make a difference in your life that no one else could possibly make—why their particular brand of “special” makes the world a better place for everyone they meet in it. (Jennifer Hudson Green)

10. Help them help themselves and be independent. (Frantz Art Glass)

11. Believe in them and give them hope. (Melessia Todd)

12. Give a simple well meaning smile. (Jennie McCluskey)

13. The kindest thing you can do for someone else is to take good care of your own mind, body and soul. This enables kindness in all things. (Shyloh Robinson)

14. Spend time listening with the intent of learning. I joined an art guild that is mostly made up of elderly artists who have the most amazing life stories and the best tips and trick for creating artwork. I feel like I get so much more in return for doing nothing more than enjoying their company! (Suzi Ra)

15. The best thing my parents ever taught me—the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you! (Tracy Bruce Laughlin)

16. Be there for them when they fall and not say I told you so. (Ana Stuckart)

17. Give them the space to be. (Natassia Callista Alicia)

18. Lend your shoulder to cry on. (Bryan Tankersley)

19. Thank them for being themselves. (Jen Ghrist)

20. Take a moment to send someone a note thanking them for something they have done for you in the past. For example, a good teacher or a good manager, or someone who was a mentor or role model. (Dave Hughes)

21. Treat each person with respect for his or her individuality. (Shirley Wright)

22. Offer encouragement after a failure. Acceptance of even the weirdest things they possess. A tap for a job well done. A “thank you” to every simple yet life-changing encounter. (Ako Ang Uso)

23. Forgive. (Ivan Kl)

24. Pay attention to them. From the clerk at the store to your kids at home, most people just want to be heard and acknowledged. Understanding comes later, but everyone can pay attention now. (Angela Birt)

25. Listen to someone without trying to fix their problem. (Jane Lynahan Karklin)

What do you think? What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else?

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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Uzma

Beautiful. We are all interconnected, so it helps to give. The same message I found many times recently. Don't focus so much on your own story and issues. See the light 🙂 Thank u for this great post and so much meaning

sarah nean bruce

yet another great article/post from tiny buddha. it reminds me of what my parents taught me; and it reminds me of a fave quote: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi ~sb
PS-the author's favorite “kindest thing you can do for someone else” Suggestion #15 is my sister Tracy the Bruce!

sarah nean bruce

yet another great article/post from tiny buddha. it reminds me of what my parents taught me; and it reminds me of a fave quote: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi ~sb
PS-the author's favorite “kindest thing you can do for someone else” Suggestion #15 is my sister Tracy the Bruce!

[…] Tiny Buddha posted something I needed right when I needed to see it. And I wanted to share it. Be the positivity you want to feel. Read it and everything makes sense. Things that are so simple can do so much. Simplicity is indeed […]

Lori Deschene

I'm glad you liked it! This one was very personal to me. Your Gandhi quote is one of my favorites. I couldn't agree more =)

Lori Deschene

Thank you for reading! I'm glad it resonated with you, and I appreciate that you took the time to comment.

Michael

Hmm, it's not very often that a blog here really resonates with me (which is a reflection on me, of course). This one did. Without going into details, as per the subject, I've been in a grind and thought I was OK with it but really it shows sometimes. I try and help people either way but still, I wonder. And I do an awful lot of the stuff on that list already, a thing which surprises me if I'm honest. These lists always do. Some things I need to try!

Thank you Lori 🙂 (Funky hat btw! ;D)

Monika

Love it, except this quote is not Tracy Bruce Laughlin's it is written in the Bible and Jesus Christ said it “15. The best thing my parents ever taught me—the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you!”

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LanceM

Wow! This is an amazing article that covers so much. This is a keeper that will go into my personal reminder file… 😉 Thanks Lori and all the people who contributed.

[…] Tiny Buddha posted something I needed right when I needed to see it. And I wanted to share it. Be the positivity you want to feel. Read it and everything makes sense. Things that are so simple can do so much. Simplicity is indeed […]

[…] Tiny Buddha posted something I needed right when I needed to see it. And I wanted to share it. Be the positivity you want to feel. Read it and everything makes sense. Things that are so simple can do so much. Simplicity is indeed […]

l101r0

You're most welcome!

Lori Deschene

You are most welcome!

[…] starts with giving–and it doesn’t need to have physical value. Your simplest gestures are often the strongest–your insights, your time, or your most powerful gift, your […]

Kate

Lori, I am so glad that I found Tiny Buddha. I am enjoying it muchly…reading the post I am reminded of the shamanic approach which is to practise non-attachment. Thus we are not hooked into the stories and can choose to respond rather than react and we can observe ourselves more clearly without the triggers of old history. And I LOVE the idea of being the something good that day for someone else. oh yesss!

Tay Bromance

This has to be the most inspirational peace of writing I've read. Right now I'm going through my moments of “the world is against me”. The reminder to stay positive and reassurance that things will get better is exactly what I needed to read.. Thank You.

Lori Deschene

Hello Tay,

I have my moments, too! I think it's human nature to go down that road from time to time. If we can all be here to pull each other out of it, though, maybe we can make those moments fewer. =)

Lori

Lori Deschene

Hi Kate!

I'm so glad you enjoy Tiny Buddha! Thanks for sharing the Shamanic approach of non-attachment. Such a great piece of advice. Everything good starts with letting go of something that stands in the way.

Have a wonderful day!
Lori

Kate

What a wonderful post. Let’s all work together to employ these methods of positive interaction! After all, we are all in this together! 😉 thanks again, Lori!

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Rob Kimmings

Robk. A wonerful positive message. We often have many dissapointments in our lives but being there for others turns that all into positive energy. Having been through a very tough period of late I find this a very rewarding message. many thanks.

Dana

Thank you Lori. This post was one that I needed at this exact moment. Instead of listening to a friend’s problem and being there for them, I made it my own in an act of pain. To “out pain” them. And I am struggling with doing that quite often.

A great reminder that we are all greater than the sum of our hurts.

Lori Deschene

You are most welcome Rob =)

Lori Deschene

Hi Dana,

I have been there many times before. It’s all too easy to get caught up in our circumstances. I’m glad you found this post helpful!

Lori

[…] The Good Things You Do for Other People: […]

[…] The Good Things You Do for Other People: […]

Maria Barker

If you don’t mind me asking, what led to your turnaround? Love to know. My mom is like this but even worse, she is a raging vortex of negativity (I know, I never heard vortexes could rage either) Not only is she totally focused on how badly life is treating HER, but when she wants to hear what is happening with ME, it is only the bad stuff she wants to hear about. Anything good and happy and satisfying about my life she just does not know what to do with. All her healthy friends have moved on, leaving only the unhealthy ones. When she comes to visit any of her children or grandchildren, we lay on the couch after she leaves with all our energy positively sucked out of us by the negativity. The things you list to help ourselves are fantastic, but they will only help those of us who want this already. How did you come to want to change in the first place? I want to help my mom…

Lori Deschene

Hi Maria,

I don’t mind at all! For me it was a long, slow process. First, I realized that I had very few real friends because of the way I was. No one was able to see the good in me because I wasn’t putting it out there. Then I realized there was a lot of hurt underneath my attitude. I was looking for, “Poor Lori” all the time because it seemed like love and validation.

Then after coming to those conclusions, I spent years learning to make changes in my behavior. The victim role was instinctive for a long time, even when I wanted to change it. Without even realizing it, I’d fall into a “woe is me” story or start competing with another person’s tragedies–like I’d had it worse then them.

I think it gets harder to make this kind of change as people get older, first because it’s such a learned behavior, reinforced by time; and secondly, because it can feel shameful to acknowledge this.

My best advice is to remember there’s something underlying her need to dwell on the bad. There’s likely some deeper hurt that instigated this way of being in her. If you can get her talking honestly about her own experiences that might help. Another idea is to get her talking about her good memories. If she’s feeling positive she’ll be better equipped to feel happy for you. So ask her about her favorite memory as a child, or her most romantic night with your father.

I know someone who is very similar, and I’ve tried to help her work through the underlying issues to no avail. It’s hard for me to not play amateur psychiatrist sometimes! I get so certain that I can help. It always makes a difference, though, when I get her remembering things she enjoyed. It might not change her attitude, but it changes her feelings in that moment. I think that’s a good start.

I hope this helps!
Lori

Maria Barker

Thanks, Lori,
I will try this. I believe you must be right about it being reinforced over a lifetime. She called me yesterday and told me her feelings had been hurt when my brother laughed at something she said. She said she was too hurt to ask what that laugh meant. I said, “You are hurt and you don’t know why he was laughing?” Long pause. I said, “Mom, bad feelings take a lot of energy, you should save them for when they are needed. I don’t think you have to feel hurt if you don’t know something was meant to be hurtful.” It must be a very deep rooted habit by now. Anyway, thanks a lot for this.

Big Zen

A great post. I particularly like number 24, ‘pay attention to people’. So simple but so true, it’s easy to spend our time so wrapped up in our own world we hardly even notice other people.

Lori Deschene

I know that one all too well. It’s a pleasure to meet you, by the way. Nice blog =)

Savitha

Wonderful post Lori ! Appreciate the honesty and the beautiful way you have articulated your perspective.

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Omitola

thank you for compiling this list.

[…] The Good Things You Do for Other People: […]

[…] do the right things, you help people around you, you make being  a good person a priority, and you know that this isn’t just about you—it’s also about the bigger picture […]

Terriagogo

I’m gonna try and be nice today no matter what comes my way.

Rahul G

Thank you for posting this. Exactly what I needed.

Lori Deschene

You are most welcome. =)

Liz Russo

Today a tolltaker said I was the most happy person payin ga toll he has ever seen! 🙂 I was happy to bring about a smile to someones face today just by being myself and having a positive attitude. A smile goes a long way to embrace that interconnectivity.

Lori Deschene

It so does! I love when someone smiles at me on the street. It’s such a little thing, but it always lifts my spirits.

[…] 25 ways to be good for someone else. […]

[…] Tiny Buddha’s Lori Deschene on 25 Ways to Be Good For Someone Else (Be The Positivity You Want To Feel.) […]

Momo yasinzai

hello….. being nice to people n dont expecting anything in return is quite impossible coz wenevr u do good to som1 in return u expect the same thing………

John Sherry

I always remember a few year’s ago saying thanks for the great service to a store assistant who got tearful replying, “No-one has ever said that to me before. All most people do is complain or shout”. The tiniest gestures often have the hugest impacts. It’s down to what the late Jim Rohn said, ‘Put others up, not down’.