“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” ~Chinese proverb
As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find there are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people-pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.
Recently someone contacted me with a request that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment about my intentions and character, ending his email with “Buddha would be appalled.”
As ironic as this may sound given the context of this site, I felt angry.
I felt angry because I have always struggled with saying no, and this was exactly the type of uncomfortable encounter I generally aim to avoid.
I felt angry because I felt misunderstood and judged, and I wanted him to realize that he was wrong about me.
I felt angry because I assumed he intended to be hurtful, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that.
I ended up responding to his email fairly quickly with a little bit of defensiveness, albeit with restraint. After I pressed send, I felt a little angry with myself for letting this bother me. Then I realized that this was a wonderful exercise in learning to deal with anger.
It’s inevitable that I’ll feel that way again—and many times, with people I know well and love. We all will. We’ll all have lots of misunderstandings and annoyances, and lots of opportunities to practice responding to anger calmly and productively.
If we’re mindful, we can use these situations to better ourselves and our relationships.
With this in mind, I put together this guide to dealing with anger:
SIT WITH YOUR ANGER
1. Allow yourself to feel angry.
You may think you need to cover “negative feelings” with positive ones. You don’t. You’re entitled to feel whatever you need to feel. We all are.
2. Make a conscious choice to sit with the feeling.
Oftentimes when I’m angry I feel the need to act on it, but later I generally wish I’d waited. Decide that you’re not going to do anything until the feeling has less of a grip on you.
3. Feel the anger in your body.
Is your neck tense? Is your chest burning? Is your throat tightening? Are your legs twitching? Recognize the sensations in your body and breathe into those areas to clear the blockages that are keeping you feeling stuck.
4. See this as an exercise in self-soothing.
You can get yourself all revved-up, stewing in righteousness and mentally rehashing all the ways you were wronged. Or you can talk yourself down from bitter rage into a place of inner calm. In the end, we’re the only ones responsible for our mental states, so this is a great opportunity to practice emotional regulation.
5. Commit to acting without seeking retribution.
Decide that you’re not looking to get even or regain a sense of power. You’re looking to address the situation and communicate your thoughts about it clearly.
EXPLORE YOUR ANGER
6. Check in with your mood before the incident.
Were you having a bad day already? Were you already feeling annoyed or irritated? It could be that someone’s actions were the straw that broke the camel’s back but not fully responsible for creating these feelings.
7. Ask yourself: Why is this bothering you so much?
Is it really what someone else did, or are you feeling angry because of what you’re interpreting their actions to mean? (For example, you may think that your boyfriend not showing up means that he doesn’t respect you, when he may have a valid explanation).
8. Take a projection inventory.
If you’re angry with someone for doing something that you’ve done many times before, your feelings may be magnified by seeing a behavior of your own that you’re not proud of. Look for all areas where you may be projecting your own traits onto someone else to get closer to root of your feelings.
9. Journal about it.
Grab your pen and walk yourself through it step by step. What did the other person do? Are you assuming negative intentions on their part? Have they done this before? How do you feel besides angry—do you feel insecure, frustrated, or confused? Get it all out.
10. Put it in a letter.
Now that you know more clearly what part the other person played in your anger and which part is more about you, write a letter to him or her. You may send this letter, or you might end up just burning it. This is to help you clarify what exactly you’d like that person to know, understand, or change.
RESPOND WITHOUT ANGER
11. Now that you’re clear about the role you played in your anger, initiate a verbal conversation about what bothered you.
You could also send the letter you wrote, but it will be easier to clarify parts the other person doesn’t understand if you’re having a direct back-and-forth exchange.
12. Use “I feel” language.
So instead of saying, “You didn’t show up, so you obviously don’t care about me,” say, “When you forget about the things that are important to me, I feel hurt.” In this way, you’re not assuming the other person meant to make you feel bad—you’re just explaining how it makes you feel so they can understand how their actions impact you.
13. Resist the urge to unload all your unspoken grievances.
Sometimes one annoyance can open the floodgates to a laundry list of complaints—but no one responds well to a barrage of criticism. Stick to the issue at hand, and address the other things at some other time.
14. Stay open to the other person’s perspective.
It’s possible that they feel angry, too, and think that you’re the one in the wrong. It’s also possible that there isn’t a right or wrong, but rather two people who see things differently and need to see each other’s point of view.
15. Focus on creating a solution.
If your goal is to get the other person to admit that they’re wrong, you’ll probably end up in a power struggle. Focus instead on what you’d like to change in the future—for example, you’d appreciate it if your friend would come straight to you next time instead of complaining about you behind your back. You can help facilitate this by owning some responsibility—that you will listen if they come to you instead of getting emotional.
LEARN FROM YOUR ANGER
16. Learn what you value.
This situation taught you something useful about what you value in the people you choose to be friends with—maybe directness, humility, or loyalty. This will help you decide which people you might want to spend more or less time with going forward.
17. Learn what you need.
It might be something you need to improve your relationship, or it might be that you need to end a relationship because you know it doesn’t serve you. Learn it, own it, act on it.
18. Learn how to communicate clearly.
This experience was an exercise in expressing yourself in the best way to be heard and understood. There will definitely be more situations like this in the future, so this is good practice for misunderstandings and struggles to come.
19. Learn how you can improve your response to anger going forward.
Maybe you reacted too quickly, so now you’ve learned to put more space between your feelings and your response. Maybe you got defensive, and the other person shut down, so you’ve learned to be less accusatory in the future.
20. Learn what you’ll do differently in the future.
You probably realized somewhere along this journey that you played some role in the situation. Very rarely is it black and white. Once you own your part, now you can use that knowledge to create more peaceful relationships going forward.
And lastly, forgive. As I wrote in my post about forgiveness, very few of us get to the ends of our lives and say, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” We generally say one of the following:
I love you. I forgive you. I’m sorry.
If that’s likely what you’ll feel when you realize time is running out, why not express it now, while you can still enjoy the peace it will give you?
—
*My apologies for not responding to every comment on this post! I have a hard time keeping up with all comments on the hundreds of posts I’ve shared over the last decade.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Especially in the heat of the moment anger is hard to controll.
Breathing deeply and counting to ten, just trying to de-escalate the situation really helps me.
Usually people don’t want to make you angry, they are just hurt themselves or don’t understand.
If we can refrain from lashing out and instead seek to understand and help, usually the situation will solve itself.
Hi Lori,
I enjoyed reading your post and I completely agree although it isn’t always easy to do when you’re angry. It gave me a warm feeling reading your post and hope it will help people look at their anger differenlty.
Love,
Liesbeth
The letter tip is a very good strategy when dealing with anger. When I am really mad, I write it all out. Then I sit on the letter for a day. If I am still angry, I write more. However, I don’t send the writings out. I rip them up, as a symbolic way of letting go of the anger. Then I try to answer to the situation in the most objective way possible.
I struggle with saying no and struggle with asking for a favour also, so much so that I avoid people, have become completely self-sufficient and quite a boring person!
I was recently given this list of ‘some I’m OK statements’ to help me become more aware of my own and other peoples rights – I thought I’d share 🙂
1. It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
2. I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.
3. I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need.
4. The fact that someone says no to my request doesn’t mean I should not have asked in the first place.
5. I can insist on my rights and still be an OK person.
6. I sometimes have a right to assert myself, even though it may inconvenience others.
7. The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be.
8. There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine.
9. I may want to please people I care about, but I don’t have to please them all the time.
10. Giving, giving, giving is not the be-all of life. I am an important person in this world too.
11. If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. They will probably know that too.
12. I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favour of me.
13. The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
14. If I say no to people and they get angry, that doesn’t mean that I should have said yes.
15. I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.
Thank you for your article, it is going to be a valuable resource for me in the very near future!
This is the most profound article I have read in a long time (and I’m even an avid reader of Zen Habits)! I appreciate your thoughtful work so much.
Thank you, Lori.
Great post! I know I have a problem wtih confrontation. I also have some confusion with anger becasue when I was young, anger was never an appropriate response. I remember the first time my boyfriend made me mad – I sat there and thought: “I’m just going to be mad at him as long as I want! And I’m going to tell him too!” It ended up lasting about 5 minutes and was a very good sharing experience – he had no clue how his words had made me feel.
I also have difficulty saying no. I tell my kids I practice on them. 🙂
This is a wonderful article! I visit this site frequently and often find comfort, wisdom and useful approaches in the articles that I use for my personal life, as well as my professional life (professor/psychologist). This is by far one of the best articles I have read. Thank you for sharing and turning your negative experience into positive energy by using it as an example for others to learn from.
You know what? This is quite helpful as a way to see what others are doing that might even be similar to some one that angers us. I, personally, have discovered I really don’t like angers’ affects upon me and my entire system.
So, how to avoid situations that may make us angry? The hermit theory sounds attractive but having tried it has only resulted in teaching more. The only one I can control is myself, to state I don’t get angry would be me lying. To me, what’s important about it is; don’t make a meal out of the guilt from losing ones temper. Is there such a thing as righteous anger? Should we participate in life like door mats?
This article and the words in comments are good advice. Even in light of today’s many visible injustices.
All so very true!
Great advice Lori! We are all just trying to feel good. When something happens that doesn’t mirror back who we think we are, our ego scrambles to realign us. It often does it with anger or judgment. For him it was criticizing you and for you it was anger at him. Totally normal. As you say, the remedy is to accept what it is that we are feeling, take responsibility for creating it and remember, nothing is personal. “The world is not happening to you but FOR you,” as Howard Falco would say. We get to see through our interaction with others where we are not loving ourselves.
Thanks for posting those 15 OK statements, Dee!
this is an outstanding post Lori ! I am printing it out as we speak. thanks much.
Blessings Lori. I am going through a difficult transition in my life and your generosity and honest sharing of beautiful life wisdom and learning has been a good friend, holding my hand and helping me along the way. Thank you.
What a great list! Thanks for sharing this–it’s very helpful.
Hi Jennifer,
I could relate to what you wrote in a big way. I think a lot of my adult people-pleasing tendencies come from my childhood. Sometimes I feel such instinctive resistance to saying no, as if I need to overextend myself or I won’t be loved. I don’t have kids yet, but I’m learning to practice saying no more often!
Lori
Thanks Jarl! This was really helpful to read. I know that sometimes people do and say things that are thoughtful and insensitive–I’ve done it myself at times. But I also know we are all responsible for own feelings.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Alida. I spent a long time being the hermit–it felt like a smart way to avoid to get messy. And these types of situations and feelings definitely feel messy. When I’m dealing with something I’d rather avoid, I remind myself that it’s a sign I am an active part of the world, which is a good thing.
You bring up a great point about righteous anger. I was just thinking today about how easy it is to cling to anger when you feel justified. I know I’ve done it. What’s helped me let go is remembering how much it’s hurt to hold onto anger in the past. It’s like the quote reads: “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger.”
You are most welcome! I get so much joy from writing and publishing other people’s insights here. Thank you for being part of this community. =)
That sounds like a smart idea. I find that when I write out a letter like this, I often include way more detail than I really need to communicate to the other person. It’s therapeutic to write it, but generally not necessary to send it all.
Thanks Joy. =)
That’s a great point. Sometimes when someone seems hurtful, I assume they intended to be. It’s very helpful to remember they’re likely hurt and lashing out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I’m so glad this post helped you. Have a great weekend!
I’m so happy to be helpful as you’re dealing with this transition. I’ve been through my share of those, and I know how difficult it can be to stay centered and find peace when there are challenges and unknowns. Sending you love and light =)
You are most welcome!
Wonderful wonderful wonderful. Feeling Anger is NOT a bad thing. Avoiding DEALING with anger in a healthy way is the bad thing.
Group of peops are participating in a self-discovery series her, on ANGER in the month o’ May. http://biggirlbombshell.com/index.php/2011/05/may-word-by-word-self-discovery/
This post could not have come at a better time – I’ve been struggling with anger for about two weeks and it has been eating me up inside. I know I’m being silly but can’t keep from being angry. You’ve given me some great ways to reconsider my position and it is greatly appreciated.
“The people pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.” I just heard that a political fella said that if Health Care is a right that everyone has, he, as a doctor, and everyone that works for him and that cleans the offices etc is a slave to anyone who comes in and asks for medical care.” So what’s my point? I guess my point could be that whoever’s metaphor is taken by the public as how things should be seen, wins the dabate. – or that giving rights to groups instead of to individuals takes away individual rights.
More on topic: Great article!!!
for some reason i couldn’t stop laughing when i read ““Buddha would be appalled.””
and this voice in my head replied with, “i highly doubt it, buddy.”
it’s hard to not REACT. even when i take the time to let the anger sink in, i still find myself going in circles trying to relive the incident that got me there, and have better come-backs. I could’ve said…!!! I should’ve said….!!! I would’ve said…!!!
i do not like the feeling of anger in my body. i find it very unpleasant, and yet there’s never any avoiding it. so i try to embrace it, and try to learn from it. always try. sometimes it’s easier than others.
most of the time though…i wind up laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the struggle, and the anger fades to the background.
for some reason i couldn’t stop laughing when i read ““Buddha would be appalled.””
and this voice in my head replied with, “i highly doubt it, buddy.”
it’s hard to not REACT. even when i take the time to let the anger sink in, i still find myself going in circles trying to relive the incident that got me there, and have better come-backs. I could’ve said…!!! I should’ve said….!!! I would’ve said…!!!
i do not like the feeling of anger in my body. i find it very unpleasant, and yet there’s never any avoiding it. so i try to embrace it, and try to learn from it. always try. sometimes it’s easier than others.
most of the time though…i wind up laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the struggle, and the anger fades into the background.
This was a great piece, Lori. I can only imagine how many emails you get asking for help, support, money, etc. since you have such a popular blog. I would think you’d need pretty thick skin at times to deal with some of the responses you get when you say no as well! It’s so wise of you to be able to step back and use something like that negative reaction as a learning experience–if only everyone had your thoughtfulness and wisdom!
I have a complicated relationship with anger, because I grew up in a house where it was a go-to emotion for my parents, and there was a lot of yelling, blaming and making everyone feel bad, but then never any calm discussion about resolving issues afterward, so everything just piled up. I also was not allowed to stand up for myself or give an opinion from a very early age, so I had a lifetime of anger and resentment built up just from that (let alone all of the other things I encourntered as a teenager!). It really took me years to undo all the baggage I was carrying for all that time (which had greatly coloured my relationships and how I communicated).
I have always allowed myself to feel angry… I truly don’t believe anger is anything to be ashamed of or hidden. Feeling it and acting on it are two different things though, and that’s what I’ve had to learn the hard way. I do think it’s really important for both people to calmly discuss how they felt after something happens, though, so that they can both be heard and learn how not to repeat the same patterns in the future. That’s the step most people want to skip because it’s hard to talk about feelings, but it’s so important.
The tips listed here are so helpful–this article is a great reminder for me to deal with anger in the healthiest way possible and use it as a learning experience. It’s tough to remember in the heat of a confrontation, but everyone would benefit if we were all able to be mindful in the face of anger!
Wonderful post! I’ve had a lot of anger (or irritation, annoyance) that comes around quite a bit for me around one person. The more I’ve looked at it, I see that the anger is a symptom of other things in life . I’m trying to learn from it as best as I can, and this guide looks very helpful. Thanks for this post. By the way, the quote you mentioned, “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger,” felt very profound for me, since with what’s been happening lately, I personally know the truth of that statement. Much love to you for putting this out into the world. 🙂
Hey Lori, these are great suggestions for how to take our anger and learn from it. It always fascinate me how informative and helpful “negative” emotions can be. I actually just wrote a post about this too.
‘anger’ and letting it get the best of me is the #1 issue I deal with. I’m getting better but BOY is it tough to just ‘sit’ with it….but when I do, let the boiling over pot simmer down, I am able to consider my options cooly, calmy and not using my ‘critical judge’ voice. thanks.
why is the mercedes benz logo in the clouds? it’s definitely not a peace sign, since those have 4 lines, not 3.
OTHER THAN THAAAAT… good article 🙂 everyone needs to control their anger better.
This was so needed by me right now for the exactly the same reason. People are used to getting their way when they ask a woman to go that extra mile and we’re taught to submit and so it. We then bury the anger with ourselves and wonder why we feel so depressed. Learning to say no without guilt is the hardest lesson we have to learn, sometimes. And we get the guilt trip when we do say no, so we either knuckle under or or feel guilty. Good job for sticking to your guns and for letting the rest of us in on how to overcome the anger, either with ourselves or with someone else. By the way, I think Buddha would have said, “What have you learned?” and you told us. Thank You.
What wonderful suggestions – thank you for creating such a thoughtful and caring site.
BTW – I just can’t imagine the Buddha being appalled 😉
Hi Lori.
tiny buddha is one of my favorite sites and I am so grateful for its calming influence in my daily life. So first off, thank you!
Second, I really appreciate you talking about self-soothing because it’s often a piece that is missed in our “emotional intelligence.” We all get better and better at becoming aware of our feelings but then stepping up to actually nurture ourselves is yet another step that gets missed. When we are able to self-soothe, usually our thinking about the situation and empathy toward others and the situation changes immediately. At least, that’s been my experience.
Warm blessings.
Hi Lori!
Oh my, this came at the perfect time! Tariq and I was really angry at someone last night and we found it SO hard to control our anger. After talking about it together and realizing that the culprit was the one having problems, not us or anyone else in the room, things started to mellow down.
Also, after reading the intro, I realized that your situation was pretty similar to what my friend faced recently. I actually wrote a post about it which will be published later today. Just FYI, I linked this article to it to help my readers take action in controlling their anger. Hope you don’t mind. I wanted to give a more wholesome approach 🙂
Thanks for this gem, Lori!
Shaheera
Love you. Love this post. xo
I know how difficult that can be! Sitting with feelings has never been my strong suit, but I know that when I resist the urge to act on them, they seem to have less power. I suspect this is a lifelong challenge–and I’m sure we’ll all have plenty of opportunities to practice!
I’m so glad this helped Jana. Have a great weekend =)
Yes I know that feeling exactly! There have been times when I’ve dedicated full days to re-thinking a situation and how I should have handled it. It helps me to remember that there is a process that makes it easier to let go, and if I work my way through it, the feelings will eventually pass, as all feelings do. Of course that’s separate from communicating my needs, but always easier when I’m not stewing!
Thanks for the link, Beverly! I will definitely check it out.
Hi Susie,
I’m so glad this resonated with you. I think you hit the nail on the head about working through our feelings. Sometimes it’s so tempting to get lost in them without walking ourselves through them. When I’m getting wrapped up in difficult emotions, I try to imagine what I would say to my sister if she were in the same place. This makes it much easier to nurture myself!
Blessings right back to you,
Lori
You’re most welcome, and thank you! I appreciate the kind words =)
Thanks Barbara! I definitely fell into that guilty place, and I suspect that’s why I reacted so strongly. I often feel as though a “good person” would say yes to every request. When someone calls me on that, it speaks to that misguided inner assumption that has the potential to leave me overextended, depleted, and unhappy. It helps tremendously to work through these types of feelings here, and I’m so grateful to have these conversations that help me (and hopefully others) create healthy boundaries and deal with the resulting emotions.
Wow I didn’t notice that! The photographer tagged it on flickr with “peace” but you’re right! Thanks for the note. =)
Interesting reference! It’s true–we often interpret our “rights” as the things we think we should have. Thanks for the positive feedback. I’m glad this post resonated with you!
What a great post! I bookmarked your blog. Love it =)
Thanks Justine. I know all too well how punishing anger can be. I’ve also found myself in that place where I frequently feel irritated by one person. The more I dig under the surface of it, the more I learn about myself and what I need. I think self-awareness is ultimately the foundation of happiness. Not easy, but definitely worth it. Much love back to you =)