“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown
We all know at least one hardcore people-pleaser.
You know the signs: She sleeps out in the rain and gets a cold so her friend’s dog can fit in the tent. He lends money to his friends, knowing they won’t pay him back, then struggles to pay his own bills. If a friend calls her stupid, she whips up a batch of cookies and makes a card that reads, “Sorry for disappointing you.” And despite all their efforts to be liked by everyone, many people disrespect them.
Maybe that’s you, maybe it’s not—but odds are, you can relate at least a little to the desire to be well-liked. Who doesn’t want to feel accepted, respected, and appreciated?
For most of my life, my need to be liked overshadowed all my other needs. I was always trying to manipulate perception, adapting myself to receive validation. It was draining and counterproductive, since very few people actually knew me—the real me—which is a prerequisite to liking me.
I’ve since learned it’s actually a good sign if there are some people who don’t accept or agree with me.
I’m not suggesting we should be rude, inconsiderate, or disrespectful. This post isn’t about disregarding other people’s feelings.
This is about releasing our stress about other people’s opinions.
When you’re comfortable not being liked by everyone:
1. It allows you to be true to yourself.
The biggest disservice you can do yourself is shapeshifting to please your “audience” of the moment. It’s exhausting (even to watch) and, more importantly, pointless. No one will get to know who you really are, which will leave you feeling empty.
2. It gives you the power to say no.
I believe people are good at heart. Still, it’s human nature to test each other’s boundaries. When you’re willing to risk being disliked, you’re able to say no when you need to. Your yeses and nos shape your future, so choose them wisely.
3. You’re more comfortable exploring your feelings.
Doesn’t it feel good to just be where you are without pretending for someone else’s sake? I’m not saying you should act in anger or fear, just that it’s pretty exhilarating to say, “Hell yeah—I’m terrified” (or lonely or weak or struggling) regardless of what people will think.
4. Your candor can help other people.
An angst-filled younger me made a fake voodoo doll for a middle school teacher who was hard on me, but forever changed my life (not my proudest moment). It’s often the least popular people who strike the deepest chord in us. Be unpopular when necessary and push people to be their best. You just may save someone’s life.
5. You can freely express your thoughts.
One of the kindest things you can do for someone else is listen without judging. You deserve that same kindness, but you won’t always get it. People will form opinions as you speak. Talk anyway. Let your words be kind but fearless.
6. It prepares you for greater success.
Pick a popular Twitter user and look at their @replies. Odds are they field their fair share of harsh comments. The higher you rise, the more attention you’ll receive, both positive and negative. A willingness to be disliked helps you deal with the added scrutiny.
7. It teaches you to offer kindness and compassion without expectations.
It’s not difficult to offer compassion to someone who treats you with respect and kindness. What’s more valuable for your personal development, and to humanity as whole, is the ability to do what’s right because it’s right—not because you get something in return.
8. You can inspire other people.
There is someone I know who has the uncanny ability to keep going even when others try to pull her down. I learn from her every day. To this woman, anyone who doesn’t appreciate her assertive, over-the-top personality is a reminder that she is unique and unafraid.
9. You can use your time wisely.
If you want to be liked by everyone, odds are you’re spreading yourself way too thin trying to keep them all happy. We need to use our time judiciously to enrich ourselves and others instead of worrying about everyone’s perceptions.
10. You can choose to smile anyway.
You could use your energy to make daily inventories of everything that’s wrong—the money you don’t have, the esteem you didn’t earn, the people you disappointed. Or you could commit to being your best, and then just sit back and smile. Life will always be a balancing act. Learn to teeter in serenity.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is my new favorite article on this site. Thank you for writing it.
Love this message. Thank you for sharing! 🙂
It’s very true & like the message
Why have you waited to post this? Are you afraid we wouldn’t like you? Just kidding. This is a fantastic article and just what I needed to read today. Thank you
Thank you for this message. It came at the most perfect time!
Amazing Post. Lol at the voodoo doll. After reading this post, I smiled. Being disliked and being assertive was two of my major issues I had to overcome, still working on them both. Thanks for sharing.
“Learn to teeter in Serenity”,
love it,gotta let that full meaning soak in.So we aren’t always going to be serene,but
striving to achieve this state is
going to be the “good”normal.
Though it’s very uncomfortable to express an opposing opinion, when people are going to take it personally. If you can agree to disagree, that’s one thing, but if you make an enemy, that’s sad.
“You can’t please all of the people all of the time.”
I tried. Many times. Each time I set myself up for failure. It became a time-robber. I would give and wait for the response and if none I would give again and again. Same person. Same place. One critical or ambivalent instance could keep me tied up for an eternity. A veritable vortex of expended efforts.
That caused me to be uncomfortable in my own skin. What was the matter with me? Appreciation, or gratitude, is the greatest giving and sharing experience in the world. Others should know that. Why no thanks for what I do? Surely I am not doing something right.
Patooey. I know what I am. I do what I can. The pleasure of giving is in the giving. Do it and move on. To do or give for recognition is the basest form of contribution. If I offer something from the heart it is from MY heart. There is no solicitation. It is not from another’s heart. If someone asks for something from me without compensation, I have to take another look. Does the doing have heart? Is it on the same path as I? Does it help me to grow?
After a while people, if they are in frequent contact with me, are to realize that my generosity may be a one shot deal. I am not looking for gratitude or outpourings of recognition. I see something that needs to be done or I feel like doing and I do it. Then I move on. No more time spent looking for signs of thankfulness. My path lies before me and benevolence is along the way, not a way station.
We can remain forever bowed if we look up only when we receive approval. Service to others is a higher purpose in life, subservience is not.
Thanks for the reminder, Lori. You remain an inspiration.
~ Mark
This is just what I needed to hear today.
I prefered most the 8th. It brings so much joy when we give unconditional love. It seemed a paradox to me once, but it’s a truth.
I prefered most the 8th. It brings so much joy when we uconditionally give and love. I simply love those reminders.
It is so true and most of the time you are disliked not because of you being you but because the person who dislikes is not able to express themselves or be free to be them. So be you anyways, regardless of adversity and find the true beautiful inside of you. Learning this lesson and applying it in practice is one of the biggest success one can achieve and I am truly working towards that. We all can. We can do it!
We should simplify and be satisfied with ourself at the first step. If not, we are far from being in charge of our joy. Being dependent on what happens in outside world…. well it’s not in our domain.
Love this post. I am a people pleaser and find that whenever I start feeling down, it usually has something to do with my overinvesting in others. I need to step back and realize that I can’t look to others for my value. I have value and must remind myself of that on a daily basis.
Hi Mat,
Absolutely. I broke a long-standing habit of codependency. Once in that rut it is a long and arduous climb out. Once out life takes on a clear and bright perspective. “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” Takes me back to the folly maxim that two halves make a whole when it comes to relationships. I prefer the view that two wholes make a third entity. An “us”. Standing together yet apart, so both may grow, but not in each other’s shadow.
This should be on everyone’s to read list. I am going to print this and hang it on my cubicle wall at work, and in a location where everyone can read it too. Now how to get people to adopt these and actually put them into action. First time reader, loved what you have to say, now I need to sign up for daily inspiration.
Just like learning to appreciate a piece of artwork you may not find aesthetically pleasing, it’s easier to appreciate a person who is being authentic, even if you don’t agree with or personally feel connected to them energy-wise, than one who is obviously putting on a dog and pony show. One you respect, the other you don’t. Great article. It certainly frees up a lot of emotional and mental space when you let go of trying to be on everyone’s ‘like’ list.
Oh my gosh. this is my life. no.wonder I am so exhausted always trying to adapt to my current audience. I used to call myself a cammelion, someone that could change my appearance to adapt to any situation. I am not sure I even know what like because It’s always been about pleasing the other person. how do I break out of this?
I enjoyed this very much, it hit home!
Haha good question! I included this one in my first eBook, so I was thinking I wouldn’t publish it here as well, but i had a change of heart. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks so much Mark. I love what you wrote about the difference between service and subservience. What a powerful distinction!
So true! If we all bend to please each other, we’d all be watered down versions of ourselves. Who we really are is much more beautiful.
Good point, about the person not being able to express themselves. I think we all just want to be who we are, and we’re all dealing with our own internal struggles that make it challenging at times. But like you wrote, we can do it! =)
Thanks so much Warren. I’m glad you enjoyed it! Those are two issues I still work on, as well.
I’m glad you enjoyed it Connie!
I’m glad you enjoyed it Marilyn. Welcome to Tiny Buddha! =)
I know all about being a chameleon! I felt the same way for a long time, and it’s something I still work at.
As for breaking out of this, I think the first step is understanding your own needs and recognizing they are just as important as other people’s. The next step is setting boundaries. You may find these posts helpful:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/compassionate-boundaries-saying-no-without-guilt/
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/are-you-too-nice-how-to-be-kind-and-be-good-to-yourself/
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-balance-self-interest-and-sacrifice-for-a-wonderful-life/
I hope these help!
Lori
I’ve found the same thing, about overinvesting in others. It always frees me up when i stop placing so much emphasis on everyone else’s opinions and requests.
You’re most welcome!
You’re most welcome. Thank you for reading and commenting! =)
You’re most welcome!
Great post! You make my day! Thank you, Lori!
Quote from the article “An angst-filled younger me made a fake voodoo doll for a middle school teacher who was hard on me, but forever changed my life” –
Most of em teachers deserve that you know! 😉
It was quite recently (a couple of years back) I realized this, though I was not consciously inclined to make sure my impression was the best, but sub consciously, I ended up, giving in the constant need to please. It is the need for people to feel that they are liked by all, what they dont realize is that not everyone deserves your efforts.
Thanks Dana, and you’re most welcome!
I know what you mean PK. There were times when I tried to win over people who had treated me poorly. In retrospect, it seems so clear, and yet at the time, it felt so important they valued me. If everyone didn’t value me, I didn’t value myself. It’s an empowering realization that it’s actually a good sign if not everyone likes us!
Wow, this is really good. It’s gutsy and I like it!
Another bonus (maybe point #11) — Letting go of trying to be liked all the time, we get to find out who our true friends really are. Some people drop out of relationship with us, and others rejoice in our newly opened up hearts and minds and faces.
I’ve noticed that this is one benefit of being a “senior” (ha! and being open to happily calling myself that) — somehow it seems so much easier to stop wearing the masks, donning the personalities, of what other people want/need me to be. I’m realizing that life feels too short for such game-playing. There’s such a feeling freedom in it: Here I *really* am, here’s me. At last!
Thanks Leke!
That’s a great point, about finding out who are true friends are. And what a liberating feeling to just be who you are. I feel like I’ve made major strides in terms of being comfortable in my own skin, though I know I have a lot more growing to do. Still, it’s nice to recognize some progress. =)
Thank you for writing this.
I am that person too. I have spent all my life adapting to others likes and dislikes only to find that when you are alone with yourself, as I am now, that you do not know who you really are or what your boundaries are. It’s a frightening realisation when it happens.
Beautiful post Lori, it certainly resonates with me right now. So often speaking up for what you believe in is equated with being rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. But as you state, the strength lies in being kind but fearless, the ability to be who you are, with compassion.
This is a great article worth reading. I’ve learned not to live up with people’s expectations as we have certain uniqueness and differences to others. If we please people just to be accepted and respected, then we are giving them the authority to control our lives in some way. This should not happen because we must be totally in control of who we are and who we are not.
You’re most welcome Lisa. I know that feeling very well. I feel like I’m always growing into myself more fully and understanding what’s me, and what’s me trying to be liked. I suspect it’s a lifelong process!
Yes exactly! I think if we can stand up for what we believe in without putting other people down, we’re in a good place.
Thanks Del. That’s a great point, about our uniqueness. If we bend to please everyone, we lose ourselves.
Nice article!! 🙂
Keep up the good work.. I also feel that being a people pleaser is really exhausting.. I mean its good to divert your time and focus on other important things in life rather than thinking on how you can make other people like you.. Also when you help others because you want to be liked, then your act of compassion becomes artificial and somewhat doesn’t serve the very purpose of compassion then..
http://www.free-happiness-spot.blogspot.com
This is great advice for women but not for Men. Sadly the dynamics of
being disrespected and disliked are very different. Unlike women most
Men do not have a support net nor even loving families. They can not fall back onto the act of random kindness from others or attention (usually as a result of their looks).
No matter what a man looks like, unless he is very wealthy. He will not
have a support system in play, thus his loneliness is more genuine in
that he will be completely alone and disliked for reasons more so
related to his commitments. As opposed to being a ‘bad person’. Men tend
to be hated more and more thoroughly as people. Asa man one mistake will cost you much more as society tends to judge men much more harshly. So again, great advice for women but not Men.
I agree with in principle, but let’s be honest, things are not this simple. As a woman, I often depend on my network of people for favors like babysitting, job referrals, play dates or simply suggestions on where to shop for better prices. Just not giving a damn is a luxury. Our power/influence ends where other people’s agency starts, and often, especially in these economically hard times, we DO depend on our good repute with those around us.
I’m not advocating to be a doormat, but I have had real opportunities erased from me because I wasn’t “nice” or “obliging” enough to a certain group (in their eyes), but whose favor I would have direly needed at the time.
Also, life is not all-or-nothing. We all have inclinations that can present as strengths or challenges depending on the task before us. What we need to do is to diversify our tool set. This will help us act contextually and organically without bending our selves out of shape.
There are enough people in the world who want to step on others just for the sake of not being stepped on first. So, for a perfectionist like myself, simply avoiding being a people-pleaser just becomes another chore on my to-do list. What’s liberating is balance.
Hi Tina,
I understand your thoughts on this. I actually didn’t intend to suggest we should be unkind to people and not care how they feel about it, but rather that it can benefit us to be okay with it if not everyone likes us. This has been huge for me because I’ve spent a lot of time and energy worrying about being liked and trying to manipulate perception. It was exhausting and counterproductive. As for what you wrote about balance, that reminded me of another post I wrote about the difference between worrying about what people think and caring about what they think. You may find this interesting:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-caring-about-what-others-think-and-do/