Thank you ElleTinker700!

Really hard is an understatement. I’ve been trying since I posted this. I guess progress so far is that I hesitate when my brother mentions something. I used to immediately agree. Now I question it before I choose to or not. The process is slow and arduous, but I feel a little better. Also, I’m starting to say stuff that may make my brother uncomfortable. Yesterday, I shared something with my family that made my brother uncomfortable and he later made a mean comment to me. I ignored it, but now wish I would have addressed him on it. It’s a work in progress. Today, I was congradulated on almost graduating from college. Immediately, he says “hey I’m still trying”. I’m starting to realize that he can’t let me have a complement. He has hardly ever says something nice to me, whereas I have tried. He has subtly ridiculed me for not sticking up for myself in certain situations and when I have told my family about times when I have he uses it as a segueway to talk about himself. I buy a new car, “oh my friend has a [insert more expensive car]”. I recommended a song to my other brother which he shared with the toxic brother, “you know that band is really common and can find that song and others on youtube”. I share with him how I stood up to my boss “I should definitely do that [not in supportive tone, but like he didn’t hear what I said].” I now realize it doesn’t matter what I say or do, it triggers him. He likes to be in control which includes controlling people more or less. I’m starting to think that what bothers him the most is that no moatter what he does or says to “gain control” I will always be the oldest. He is a toxic bully on his worst days and during his best a neutral acquaintance. It feels uncomfortable to not just be disliked, but be disliked by a family member for reasons I have no idea why. His outbursts has everything to do with his insecurities. It just sucks that he takes them out on me. As I’m saying more of my opinions, his comments come out more. I need support. I’m planning on moving out within 6 months. From then on, this difficult relationship will be better managed as I can leave when he starts with the criticism. I have questioned going no contact with him after I move, but feel like such a shitty sister if I would do this.

Thanks for all your support Anita! I think at this point in my life it will better for my growth if I move out. I can’t wait! You’re right, I can’t control how others perceive me to be. It is more important to be true to me than the “perfect” sister or daughter… whatever those terms even mean.

Dear Anita,
Ya, it’s a confusing message, especially since most cultures stress family is everything. Thanks for your words! I have felt guilty for questioning family and you have helped make it more o.k. to do so.