So im kinda feeling blue right now and i’ve decided to get online and write about what im feeling in the hope that someone would take the time to read and probably give some advice, i will try to make my story as short as i can.

Well i live in venezuela im 26 unemployed graphic designer, the first thing id like to share is that not so long ago about 2 years i discovered by “accident” that i had been living my whole life with chronic anxiety and it wasnt until then that i discover it through allergic reaction to sushi that lasted for a couple of months, it got me to a psychiatrist ( not my first time, thats another story) and i started to get medication for my anxiety also she taught me some breathing exercises, within a year my life had completely change like i realized how much i had change i was so happy so free at the top of my game i would say.
By that time i was working for about a year in a company that i didn’t like but it was an okay job and i needed the money, so time goes on, and i got offered to work on a magazine of a “friend” of mine and since i couldnt wait to quit my job i did it, i recieved some “divine signal” and i just did it.
Since before making that choice i was quite aware that it wasn’t goint to be a steady job and that it would probably end up at nothing, but i cheered up myself, saying to myself that winners take risk, that i had to do it cos that guy knows a lots of people thath i could maybe network with, that life it’s about the unexpected, so i did it, i quit and it was GREAT.

I have always hated office jobs, i don’t see myself wasting 20 years of my life working for somebody else with no chance of professional growth, like almost every graphic designer job in my country.

So not to my surprise, the magazine was a flop, meaning it was just this guy way to probe himself how awesome he was to then realize you need to invest good money for it to work it was about a year or so and i still get a bit sad and angry because a really put my heart out for that project.
The magazine even was released with a red carpet on a fancy hotel of the city with a live event and shows and everything, and ..all that for..nothing….

it was december last year and my country was getting really bad, it lasted from december to i guess april with riots, protests everywhere, people dying, and many young people like me wondering about our future, about what’s my life going to be now, it was the darkest months that i have had in a while.

I started getting desperate about my life, i don’t have money, i wanna live in other country, i wanna travel, how am i supposed to do that?, i can’t even afford going to the movies, im 26 and have nothing, im single and don’t have anyone and so the bashing against myself begun

While that was happening in my head i got the chance to reconect again with the theather i forgot to mention i’m also an actor, and i started focusing on the plays and on my acting job, i was getting paid, at least enough to go out for a movie with friends, but not enough for a living ( shocking)

After a few months of amazing work, working as an actor really fills my heart with joy i cannot even explain how amazing that makes me feel, but in my mind always keept my first love wich is graphic design and illustration ( i wanna study illustration but can’t afford it), so after a couple of great months, and my first leading role in a play, i had a feud with the companys director, she is an emotional leech and i just had to go away i wont take shit from no one and i did, so once again empty pockets and back to 0.

By that time i said to myself this is my time to use my career (that i love) and find some work online and maybe a way to study abroad, so i started that, got into online design markets, contests and i actually won a contests, also did some resarch about collegues abroad but many months later i realized that is not as easy is i wanted to be neither the online job or the studying abroad, studying in another country it’s very expensive for me, and working online on those design markets and contests places, it’s a great way for extra money but not a good way for making a living.

so once again another fail attempt to make money, also forgot to mention that i desing some coffe mugs to sell on valentines day and also didnt work out.

So broke, and single i just fell to my dark and desperate place, of not knowing what to do with my life, hitting myself with the thought that time is passing im not getting younger, im 4 years to 30 i have NOTHING that i could call mine ( maybe my damaged ipod)
while all of this is happening few months back i discovered meditation, and i has been great it has helped a lot to keep myself present and in the momment, to breathe in this hard momments, but when im in the dark place i don’t even think about meditation.

The thing with my darkness is that it seems that i have to put myself down as much as possible, money has always been and issue for me, im always the poor kid of my friends, the one that can’t afford a soda when i was younger, or the one that his friends had to chiped in order for him to go out with them ( by poor im exaggerating but it just felt that way) now as an adult almost every young person it’s in the same situation about money, struggling, so everybody it’s trying to make ends meet, but those people have jobs, i don’t. So of course i hit myself harder.

Another great issue for me it’s loneliness ( being single), and of course while all that is happening in my mind i hit myself about being single, almost 4 years and by year two gettin desperate about it.

im at that point that i hate being single, people tell you how amazing and fantastic opportunity it is to be single, you have friends, family and of course that love will come when you stop looking for it and all that crap, people say that this where you discover yourself, and to tell you the truth it is and i hasn’t been pretty this past few months have been emotionally intense about this topics ( money, relationships my future) it is like a roller coaster and today is just one of those days.

I guess thanks to meditations i’ve discovered what triggers this strong emotions, and i come to realize that i compare myself A LOT, with what i dont have, what i should have, why everybody else has a relationship and i dont?, is there something wrong with me?, my samsung smartphone got damage also and i lost my instagram account it was a while back but know its like thank god, because i was following all this cute couples and everytime i saw a picture of them of how happy they were i reminded myself of “how alone i am, and god only knows if i ever will meet someone that really interest me, after all it’s almost 4 years it can easily be 10 years by tomorrow”.

So imagined my days bashing myself about my future, about my life, about my lack of love ( love of a partner), this is what it has going down to on this lasts months and i really dont know what to do with life, because also while all of this i start also questioning my beliefs, i believe in spritiuality and the power of the mind and all of that, but on this dark state i dont know what to believe, im at this point of my life where i feel so lost, i dont know what to do, i really dont.

to sum up everything: im feeling lost about what to do with my life, (what to do for a living that i can enjoy and live well) and i feel very desperate about finding a relationship

this post its been a little liberating, thank you so much if you read it and any words of advice will be much appreciated

• This topic was modified 10 years ago by luis gonzalez.