Zena,

I’m not sure where to start. I’m afraid that this might come off trite or off the mark, but I’m going to try anyway since no else else has responded. First of all, my heart goes out to you.

Concerning “letting this happen” it’s hard to tell at any given point what the “right” thing to do is. Perhaps other people might have seen things coming, but usually people who can recognize the signs earlier and sort their insecurities from red flags have their own previous bad choices to thank for a keen inutition. So be gentle with yourself, you were lucky that you didn’t have experiences that makes you leery of close relationships. Sometimes people stay that same, sometimes they change drastically, and sometimes we just think they are one way and don’t have the opportunity until certain circumstances arise to realize what they really are. People are people and the only thing that is garaunteed beyond a shadow of a doubt is you and faith in something if you believe in a Connection. Utlilize this experience to find distinctions and lessons that resonate, not ones that make you out to be “dumb” or him out to be “bad.” Answers like that are usually over simplified, unproductive as well as inaccurate.

For myself, when I’m in the thick of it and cannot make sense of anything I thought was truth, it helps to not try so hard to figure it out or berate myself. Instead of feeling guilty, ashamed or duped by what happened, spend every living second finding new coping mechanisms. Wild cards and curve balls are garanteed in life, so since that is unavoidable all you can do is learn what makes you feel stronger, lighter and more positive. Don’t spend any time asking “why?” and “what if?” Focus on How can you get from point A to point B and maybe in time the gentle truths will make themselves apparent. When I was in a similar situation, I could only see my situation through the lense of blame and self pity and it was quicksand. Staying productive and not focusing on figuring people out proved to be a better coping mechanism than trying to understand orthe innerworkings and motivations of someone else or agonizing over things you didn’t know at the time. Now I have clarity on people I felt sucker punched by, but it didn’t come until a good three years after the fact. Commit to being gentle and kind with yourself even when you don’t understand the reasons yet. If beating yourself up was a good way to rise to the top, I’m sure we would all be as rich as Oprah. Unfortunately you can’t shame yourself into healing or getting over things. Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know and what they are capable of at any given point in time.

Some thing to consider, even if you do not want to write about it here. Why did he walk out? Was it a character flaw or a situational stress driven choice? Either way that kind of coping mechanism is hard to deal with. You were brave to try again.

Do you think he had a point concerning moving to another country? I don’t know if he left any forwarding information for your daughter or made contact, but if he has any valid points, recognize them for what they are. Perhaps he up and left and it didn’t seem like it mattered one way or another where you were; or perhaps he’s grasping at straws to villanize you. Either way, self honesty can free up a lot of guilt or can help you logically let go of unfounded attacks.

Concerning staying over, I think it’s good that you made a distinction that he can make arranged visits without staying over.

Lastly, you mentioned that he had a drug problem, had his head in the sand and disappeared from her life. Perhaps he’s self loathing or overwhelmed, but either way he sounds like he has some avoidance issues. I’ve gotten a lot from going to Al Anon. It’s s free program that is for people who have alcoholics in their life, but It’s applicable to anyone who is close to anyone who is unpredictable, unreasonable and irresponsibile. It helped me a lot with my realtionships with people I couldn’t just cut off.

I’m also going to suggust two youtube videos I gleaned a lot from, I just need to look them up.

Bon Courage