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YOU DON'T NEED CLOSURE

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  • June 30, 2014 at 5:54 pm #59996
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    An oft-accessed theme throughout many issues with break-ups is obviously coming to terms with the ‘why’ in their finality. It’s so human to need to know just why something didn’t work out and it’s not locked just to relationships. We apply for jobs, have a successful interview, and then we hear nothing after that. Acquaintances on social media delete us before progressing to friendships, and then we hear nothing after that. We go on two dates with an amazing person and during anticipation of the third we suddenly hear nothing after that. Blocked, deleted, gone. No reason. We are obsessed with reasons. But there doesn’t have to be a reason. I believe we have already been given everything we need for understanding what happened and who that person truly is. In my experience at least, and in the experiences of my closest friends, break-ups can be categorised several times but how they are interpreted and received is just as dependent on the personalities of those involved as it is the level of their individual investment.

    My most recent break-up happened almost a year ago and I invested so much into it. I had never properly felt like ‘that’ before and quickly attributed it to being my first love. It was deep and fast and emotive – just like the sex – and then it was over. There were fights but there were also apologies. There were emotional deficits but there was also growth. There were lies but there were also compromises, explanations and deceptions. And it was amazing. When it ended I was shattered. I begged. I wept. I got angry. I got desperate. I got depressed. I was strung along. I was partially built back up. I was completely torn back down. I cried. I tried. In particular order, I experienced all of those things yet the one thing I felt I never had was closure. Those 5- or 6-months of going through the (e)motions were demonstrative of the hardest period in my life, bar none. Not only had I lost something I’d invested so much spiritually, emotionally, and physically into but I’d been handed absolutely no closure or chance of recourse. I had no idea what happened. Nothing made sense. It was a chilling demise. Yet still there I was, emotionally crippled and completely, utterly disabled from moving on just because of this gold pedestalled ideal I had of closure.

    During this time I couldn’t rectify the lack of closure; I needed it. I was constant overcome by manic over-analysis in my quest for placation via ‘reasonable explanation’. I got caught up in a dithering mess, relentlessly obsessed with chasing reasons, clues, actions, cues, anything that would aid drawing a better picture – the idealised ‘completed’ picture – of just what the fuck happened to the relationship. Unfortunately what we want or expect from people is not conducive to getting over someone. We keep adding ‘if only’ to everything. If only she gave me a reason, then I could move on. If only she wanted to stay friends. If only she kept in contact with me. If only I did this. If only she did that etc. These are illusorily easy fixes that act as obstructions to us moving on. We keep holding out for these miraculously subjective circumstances that never come, or at least this is how I processed the post-breakup. Even so, you can take advice, get some support, but highly sentimental people like myself find it hard to let go and always wind up back on networks such as this, talking about the past, hoping said past will transcend the future, and expecting a tip, a miracle, a hidden clue that might finally usher in clarity and consequent closure.

    Know that you don’t need it. Stop, consider that. You don’t need closure. If you get it somehow, good. Fine. But it is ultimately unessential to your longer term recovery. Without writing a book (or five) on what, why, and how my first proper relationship ended, I’ll simply summarise its end as: (1) she no longer wanted to be with me, (2) she has since moved on, and (3) the relationship is over. Denial is a very real stage of grief and one hard to reach when someone callously strings you along beyond relational expiration, but the closer you get to acceptance of those three former points, the better off you will be. I know how awfully righteous it seems to say that because it’s so overused but it’s almost unitary in its application. To the people currently chasing some measure or form of closure: you need to understand that if you ever got handed the ideal situation you’ve established in your head/heart you would not be satisfied with it either. Let me explain: to me, love is such a simple, uncomplicated thing. Two people want to learn more about one another in an environment of trust, compromise, and consideration. I had that in bucket-loads and I believe she had that for me too. What happened, what truly happened, to change her mind and heart about me will always be her secret and I guess I’m fine with this because just acknowledging the lack of closure in and of itself implies the lack of reasoning to it all. This is a sentiment that at least makes me feel better some days, realising that someone like my ex dealing with the hurts and demons and tragedies of their past will reserve them the right to take it out on the world and those a part of it.

    Continuing contact with someone, if hurtful, will only keep what little you have left of your heart burning to a false fire of hope. It’s not healthy. Assess the situation and move on however and whenever you can, but please do not deprecate yourself over a lack of closure. Most questions I’ve stagnated over have been such classics as: ‘when did you stop loving me?’, ‘what was it that truly made you decide it’s over?’, ‘have you been seeing someone else?’, ‘is it that womanising cockslave you work with?’ Think about it, this kind of closure is unnecessary because if you did get answers to these questions, you’d then want replies to a second battery of questions, and a third, and a fourth, and then most probably a full-fledged conversation that would continue into forever. That’s what I mentioned earlier about closure and how we want this one rational, logical explanation from them that makes us go: ‘Wow, never thought of that. Thanks, now everything makes sense. Enjoy your life! Bye”. It will never be this way and we have to force ourselves to the understanding that whatever closure we get is simply the best possible result.

    Anyway, I don’t really know where I was going with this as it’s quite sprawling to digest now. I’m mainly just interested in any other perspectives on closure people might have, especially if they contradict mine.

    P.S. At least in the situation with my ex, I had to realise that expecting an immature, irrational person to be mature and rational was just never going to happen. In this way, expecting closure (typically that aforementioned ‘reasonable explanation’) from someone who has none to give is just not healthy for our re-development. People change their minds all the time throughout relationships. Sometimes there’s thought, sometimes not. Some people are caring in their deliberations, others far from it. Whatever the ‘reason’ you’re going through a breakup, understand that your other half’s desire or, more appropriately, ability to disclose as to why, when, and how it all broke down is as dependent upon who they are as it is who you are. As a result, you shouldn’t feel as though you deserve closure because you definitely don’t need it. In the popular cases where one half of the relationship pushes a breakup and it completely blindsides the other half, know that the ‘dumper’ typically has been making up their mind over an extended period of time. Why would you even want to be with someone like this – someone incapable of including you in their concerns, queries, and anxieties about where the relationship was and where it was headed. These people were in a relationship with themselves and personally I would not want any closure from someone as conceited as this.

    July 1, 2014 at 12:23 am #60018
    Gladys
    Participant

    This post could not have come at a better time for me. My seven year relationship ended about a month ago for good. He broke up with me and his reason was that he was “not in love” anymore. Seeing as how we were getting ready to move in together and take our relationship to the next level, the break-up came out of left field. But, I accepted that as his reason and I feel that I am moving on and focusing on myself and my needs and working towards discovering who I am as a newly single woman. However, a couple of my friends and family members have been asking how I could possibly be satisfied with his reasoning. They tell me that there has to be a bigger and deeper reason as to why he left me. But I don’t care to know. There could be a million reasons as to why he decided to leave me, but the fact alone that he LEFT me is reason enough to let him go. It’s like getting directions somewhere and there are different routes and highways and roads that you can take, but at the end of the day you are still going to arrive at the same destination. I made the decision to cut off contact with him 100%, luckily we do not have any mutual friends or kids or anything that will tempt me to dig deeper and understand why he left because I simply do not want to know. I am glad that there are others out there who can accept “closure” simply.

    July 1, 2014 at 1:13 am #60020
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, @gladystardust. Your ability to get over a seven-year relationship is enviable. My relationship was nowhere near as long and it took me ten times its length to start to feel no feelings, as ironic as that appears. The ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore’ is great is it not? I’d say in some circumstances it would have merit, but definitely not in a near-decade’s worth of relational progress; I find it antagonistic of my idea of long-term relationships – that it gets easier the more you end up banking. Perhaps, now, not always true. Thanks for posting your experience because it’s really close to exemplary of my driving points about the dis-necessity of closure. Ultimately, your ex has highlighted the very real factor at play in so many relationships – cowardice through lack of communication. I don’t buy for a fuckdamn second that someone can be as capricious (or as cognitively dissonant) as simply and suddenly falling out of love with someone. In mature, rational, caring, and self-aware relationships, these things happen over time. So, for someone to start feeling like this in January but not bringing it up until December, at which point they’ve meticulously self-assessed it, is completely balls. In my opinion, there is not one issue in relationships that cannot be benefited (either fixed, accepted, or abandoned) by bringing it to light in the appropriate environment. Anything else is misguided.

    Accepting such finality with grace is impressive and not to dishonour your heart by questioning an already concluded situation is even more so. It’s shocking to be treated so callously, so neglectfully but it is what it is. We are so damn obsessed with why, to the point that it becomes unhealthy. I’m reminded now of psychopathic serial killers, whose motives we are always so eager to hear. ‘How could someone do that to a child?’, ‘Do they even have a heart?’, and ‘I can’t believe they’re not even sorry for what they did!’ can all be re-emphasised in the vein of relationships and the people who damage us. Their motives and reasons are useless. Closure is not useless, but it does not lie wholly in reasonable explanations.

    July 1, 2014 at 8:09 am #60036
    Gladys
    Participant

    YES! Thanks for having an insightful response to my situation. I completely agree when you say, “So, for someone to start feeling like this in January but not bringing it up until December, at which point they’ve meticulously self-assessed it, is completely balls,” in my situation, I feel as if I was being dragged on for months while he was trying to figure out if he wanted to be with me or not, meanwhile he was making me believe that everything was okay. How fucked up can someone possibly be? I mean was I supposed to wise up and figure it out myself? At this point I think he just started to have too many personal issues that he never bothered to talk about or bring up, and although I would have been there for him like no other, he kept me in the dark, and yes, he was a coward about it all.

    As for my ability to be able to move on: Well I simply don’t have a choice. Of course it is still difficult and it is a work in progress, but I am trying to see things simply and for what they are. I know it sounds crazy to most people but I am OK with the “closure” that I got. I want to close that chapter and move on, I know that digging deeper and trying to find the “right answer” is only going to hurt me more so why bother? Just keep going forward and don’t look back.

    July 1, 2014 at 11:00 am #60045
    Sondra
    Participant

    I found this post to be beyond helpful! thanks so much! I have been trying to find a ‘closure’ myself, for about 9 months. First, I couldn’t let go because it felt like I was being disloyal to the relationship. Now I need to let go, but I keep wanting to go back to this relationship. It was my first and deepest love and I can’t understand why it broke the way it did. I did everything right… I was there.. I gave all of myself for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, this situation became untenable and the other person had to be done with me for their own reasons. As I wanted only my love back, I would have done anything to get the relationship back. As expected, it didnt work out that way. After a lot of therapy, I am figuring out that I am not without my own issues, but that I did exactly what I needed to in order to make this work. I needed closure. My therapist has offered several ideas on what or how this happen, but it hasn’t brought me the relief from the pain I have felt both physically and emotionally. How cleansing to read this post and understand that I probably will never understand the why’s and what if’s. But to know that I can move on and be ok, myself, to open myself to another love? to not NEED the closure? is a relief. Thank you so much. 🙂

    July 1, 2014 at 11:40 am #60048
    Michael
    Participant

    I too am searching for closure that will never come and also found the article very helpful and insightful. I was also unaware of any problems until she said (via text) we were done as her “feelings had changed”….this after three years and looking at rings very recently. No attempt to talk about anything bothering her, no chance to make amends, just “Done”.

    July 1, 2014 at 12:50 pm #60051
    Porterman
    Participant

    very well written. awesome post. focusing on 1, 2 & 3 would help a LOT of people.

    but to Gladys and Blaice, i sure hope you guys never get into a relationship where you’re trying to figure things out, figure out your feelings, before you blurt something out and can’t take it back. A LOT of people are confused, scared, unsure of all the emotions and feelings that are passing through their head, especially at a young age when you’re still not sure of what you want or need.

    Its pretty hard to talk between the months of “January and December”, when those conversations involve statements like “i’m not sure I’m happy with this relationship anymore” or “I’m not sure I want this for the rest of my life” or something along those lines. unfortunately, in most cases once those words are uttered, things start to unravel quickly.

    I guess in some ways, I was either of your partners. In her perspective, I blindsided my (now) ex-wife with the same sort of epiphany, although looking back over time, I think you could see the cracks developing. Over 8 years, I sacrificed myself, my relationships with my family, my dignity, all to make my wife happy – to be the good husband who gave his wife everything she wanted, to be the good son-in-law to my in-laws who wanted to control every single aspect of my life such that it kept their daughter close to home and treated materially like a princess. After a long 2 years of depression, I finally, in my mid-30s, woke up and realized that all my messages, outbursts, all my communications, all my wants and needs, were not going to be heard by my wife and or her parents. Instead of listening to me, they redirected me, told me how I was misinterpreting myself.

    I finally figured out: It didn’t matter. They wouldn’t change. They had their perspective, and I had mine. And I was outnumbered.

    So I said those dreadful (or perhaps you see as cowardly) words: – “i’m not in love with you anymore”, “my feelings had changed.” And they had. i was DONE. At that point in my life, I wished I was dead already, because I had nothing to live for other than to try and please my wife and her family, and receive their validation. but there was a spark in me that ignited and said that life doesn’t have to be this way. i wanted to see my family – my mom, my brothers and their kids. I wanted to have the freedom to move wherever i wanted to live, hell, even to pick the color of the damned paint on the wall in the house that I paid for.

    so yes, I was the “blindsider” or the “coward” as you call them. and that’s okay, they’re just terms and frankly, I don’t need your approval or validation. I realize i made mistakes, and i’ve learned from them. i tried to be the good partner – I find its often hard to discern what is “working hard at a relationship” and “compromising” versus completely giving yourself up, losing yourself. I think a lot of people have a hard time too.

    So did I do wrong? Yes. Do I regret it? No, because I didn’t know then what I know now about myself. I had to go through that to learn what I would not put up with, to learn that I had to stand up for my own feelings and values, wants and needs. Was it cowardly, those last 2 spans of Januaries through Decembers, when i was trying to sort through figuring out my life? yeah, you might call it that. and that’s okay. I think i was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time – I was trying to make it work.

    Am I sorry about what happened? Absolutely, and deeply. If I could go back and do it all over again, there are many things that I would do differently, and perhaps I would have had the beautiful relationship I wanted, but its easy to say that – its sort of like being a Senior in high school saying how you could ace Freshman algebra, and who knows, my wife might not have liked that version of me versus the old me(?).

    just my $0.02, or more aptly put, the other side of the equation.

    July 2, 2014 at 8:28 am #60092
    lissy
    Participant

    @blaice Wow is what i said to myself as i read the post. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. Things went left about 3 years ago. So many to even list, but the point is that things were done to me that until this day have left me, more than anything, confused. Reason for this confusion, in my mind, has always been because i never got any closure to the arguments troubles that he put me through. I still think of everything to this day. I have made myself believe that the reason i still do this is because i never got any closure. He didn’t cheat but I’ll put that as the example. He cheats, begs for forgiveness, but gives no explanation. Only gives apologies. You fight about it, cry about it, go insane about it, lose sleep, don’t eat, and cry some more. But no explanation as to why the behavior or actions were made. And you stay with him. Move on as if nothing happened. This has happened more times than i can count in my relationship. Not the cheating part. The no explanation, move on (but not really move on) as if nothing happened part. For me, not being able to understand the “WHY” is what has crippled me. Out of no where (like flashbacks you get of a terrible accident) i start thinking of that very first thing he did. Then comes that second thing…you get the point. I blame it all on not getting any closure from those “things” that happened. Things he did to me, to our relationship, to our trust. My therapist said it’s because im in shock. That I am mentally in SHOCK. Lol. Yeah, in shock that i can actually be in shock over something like this. Anyway, i didn’t mean to go on and on like this. Reading your post made me think…why can’t i simply take it as what it was and actually move on from it. I’m obviously still with him so it’s not like i don’t want to forgive and forget. I do. That’s the problem. He has made changes, so why am i still reflecting on things that happened 3 years ago? Let these thoughts take over and cripple me? Because i didn’t get “closure” or a straight up answer or explanation?

    July 2, 2014 at 10:17 am #60096
    paddington
    Participant

    I can understand the pain Blaice and all of you have gone through who felt left by their partner. But for all of you who feel this way, not needing closure means letting go of the negative thinking and laying of blame, and instead accepting that both you and your partner are both worthy of finding the right person for each of you. What matters and is a positive step, is that you have both discovered that you were not right for each other. Blaice you talked in terms of your partner being irrational and immature. It is difficult but it really will help to consciously Stop when you feel your negative views rising inside you and instead, breathe, and let yourself consider positively that even if you don’t agree with how your partner behaved, she had her reasons. The reasons may be because there is part of “who you are” which was simply a mismatch with her personality make-up, or if she was immature and irrational, then again, you are in a positive position of being now free and able to find yourself in a relationship where you both find that the “who you are” is naturally, without uncertainty, a fantastic match with “who she is”.

    From the perspective of the person who leaves the relationship, Like Porterman, I was the partner who ended the relationship. I spent 6 months before I broke up with my boyfriend, explaining to him that I felt that we needed to make more time for each other, when we had reached a point where he spent time with his own family, his friends, and work colleagues, at the expense of any time with me (we both had jobs far from each other so we had limited opportunities at outset). My last words (after he announced that he had invited friends over to his house for another full weekend followed by plans for a number of the following weeks which did not involve me), were that I had run out of ways of trying to explain my feelings, and trying to have a discussion with him. What turned out to be his last words in response, was that he was too busy. I broke up with him after this. He had reached a stage with our relationship where he took it for granted without question that I would be there and this taking for granted blocked his ability to listen and hear what I was saying. In the meantime, so sociable was my boyfriend, that everyone who knew us would tell me what a great guy he was and I could never meet a nicer guy. Similar to Porterman, it was partly a difficult decision to leave knowing that I could well be viewed by his family and friends as heartless. When I ended our relationship , from his perspective it was without closure. He sent me alternately bewildered and angry, blaming emails, saying he was shocked, wounded, hurt, and I believe that he may still believe that I ended the relationship without any reason when all he did was love me. From my perspective, I had left the relationship exhausted with months of trying to explain and talk to him without sounding like I was whining. I guess what I am hoping to show by this rather long-winded account of the end of my relationship, is that staying in a relationship which hurts you, or seeking closure for why it has ended, are both energy-sapping and emotionally-draining activities which do not move you forward. Accept the the bottom line that your values, personalities and needs were not in sync and too far out of sync for the better parts of your relationship to offset this. Acceptance will not pull you back, it will bring you to the here and now of your life. The end of an out of sync relationship frees us to find that person who will be our great match. I am sure that my boyfriend will find the women who will be his, and I will find the man who will be mine. This is what makes me happy inside. Try to think this simple thought too (there are no timelines but it will happen one day) and I hope (and am pretty certain!), that it will make you happy inside too 🙂

    July 3, 2014 at 8:04 am #60133
    requin
    Participant

    In the popular cases where one half of the relationship pushes a breakup and it completely blindsides the other half, know that the ‘dumper’ typically has been making up their mind over an extended period of time. Why would you even want to be with someone like this – someone incapable of including you in their concerns, queries, and anxieties about where the relationship was and where it was headed. These people were in a relationship with themselves and personally I would not want any closure from someone as conceited as this.

    I have only read your initial post so far, not the replies yet, but wanted to say, the above statement really struck a chord with me. I have read it before but it bears repeat reading. My man of 1 year broke us up 6 weeks ago for no apparent reason. I went to his house twice after the breakup to get answers to the “why”. Of course, his answers (such as they were) were extremely vague. He wasn’t about to tell me his shopping list of ‘reasons’ and may in fact, not have even known himself.

    I since (after those two conversations) realized he’s an avoidant attachment type which helps explain some of it. Avoidants feel suffocated, over criticize their partner, and fear intimacy. They are going to run, no matter how good things were for most of the r’ship. I wish I had known he’s an avoidant while we were together; I would have handled some things much differently. It might not have made a difference in the end, but it might have.

    Anyway I digress. I agree that someone who internalizes all sorts of issues/problems w/ the r’ship and their partner, and then springs it on you to end it, is not someone who has any clue how to communicate, how to relate, etc. For most of our r’ship we talked things over, and he said it’s the first r’ship he ever had where that was the case (and he claimed how much he loved that aspect of me). And yet unknown to me, he was harboring all these negatives about me and our r’ship to the point of ending it. So heartbreaking. 🙁

    What’s even sadder about this is at 54 this guy constantly whines that he’s “cursed” and cannot keep a r’ship. Gee, I wonder why. He runs at the first sign of commitment/true intimacy. He nitpicks and criticizes (not verbally, he rarely said anything to me, but he was keeping score in his head) and you go from being the girl of his dreams to someone he wonders how he ever wanted to be with. He’s extremely wrapped up in his own life (working lots of overtime, fishing, hunting, helping friends, hanging w/ the guys, fixing his own and his daughter’s car, doing lawnwork etc) and said flat out he “doesn’t have time for a r’ship”. Yet while we were together, esp at the beginning, he would lament how hard it was to not have a partner and have that sharing of duties, conversations, etc. He so looked forward (so he said) to being a partnership. Yea sure!

    He’s going to be a lonely old man, sad to say, until he realizes his attachment style and r’ship patterns. Even so, I would give anything to have another chance with him.

    July 3, 2014 at 3:11 pm #60154
    inthebliss
    Participant

    I also had a reaction to @Blaice statement above – as the ‘dumper’ in this case, somehow a reluctant dumper, I feel I have been cornered into having to do this….I have this situation where I have been trying to talk to the person I was with about the issues I had with some aspects of the relationship and he would respond with anger and swearing, or completely shut down. Eventually after being forced to end it (when its not the outcome I actually want) because I cannot tolerate the abuse or disrespect, I get accused of bullshitting him all along? I feel hopeless. I tried to talk to him about these things so many times and he wanted to make light of it all, and now it is all my fault, according to him.

    July 3, 2014 at 5:38 pm #60162
    sylvie
    Participant

    After 7 years of a relationship, I have to agree that I do not need closure, while we did have our problems, but continued to work on the relationship, he was very deceiving having another part time full relationship with someone else for the last year. I found out by error, of course anger was the first, then hurt, betrayal, I went through it all. It’s been a few weeks now and some days are more difficult to deal with. My head and thoughts were chaotic, going over all the excuses on weekends, the love he showed me even then, the family time we spent together while being played. But what I came to realize is that the cheating, no matter what we were going through was something he chose to do, not because of me, but because of him. \I take responsibility for the fights, the coldness, the resentment that had come about us, but also for the love I showed him but I will not take responsibility for his cheating and his lies. He has apologized via text and no this is not good enough, but what do I want him to say besides he is sorry and he really did love me at one point. The fact is if he showed up, nothing he would say would make me feel better as I know I deserve better in my life and will find that. \I have blocked everything I could to not deal with him as his truths may hurt me more and his time he needed to find himself he is finding with the other woman. So his closure his good bye his im sorry his I miss you will not make me move forward, only I can do this for me by accepting it is over and he doesn’t deserve me. Another good man does.

    July 3, 2014 at 10:28 pm #60179
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, @yankeegirl. 9 months chasing closure? You’re doing so well. I hope I was able to offer some personal insight, however subjective that might have been. Looking back over my post afresh and I feel as though I might have been a little aggressive in my anti-closure drive. Everyone goes through the stages of grief, with denial, regret, and self-loathing being very real de-motivators of our recovery. My main point is not that closure, or more importantly chasing closure, is not necessary. I don’t mean to say to anyone that your hopes of letting go early are in vain because I’ve been there and I know how hard it is to completely give up on something where love is involved. I’m just saying: when the time is right and you’re spiritually ready then try as best as possible to absorb the dis-necessity of perfect closure and reasonable explanation. It’s easy to accept or understand sound, experience-based advice but it’s another thing entirely to even attempt their practice. I was counselled by some very good close friends and after repeated ‘sessions’ with them in person, over Skype, I would leave and then do all the things I knew would obstruct my moving on. I would go stalk her, keep contact with her friends and family, search through old conversations, and bring up pictures of her on my computer. I knew it wasn’t healthy but it’s something that I had to submit to. Don’t feel bad about your length of closure. Everyone is conditioned to a different psychological timer. As much as it seems hopeless, you must understand you will love again and it will be better than ever. Why? I believe it’s these very situations of heartbreak that make us immeasurably more suited to, ready for, and aware of love than we ever could have been without their transpiring. In addition, our mind is capable of very rational, logical short-term fixes that actually do make sense whereas our heart wants to be repaired by reuniting with long-term connection and love. The longer there is conflict between these, the longer our recovery will take. Those who are able to move on so much faster than us are not the cold, whimsical people I once thought but are simply more adept at getting their mind and heart to work together. At the close of the day, the most cathartic thing for me to realise is that I need to stop ‘trying’ to make someone more like me and me more like them. Compromise is fine and acceptance is preferred, but trying to force change is ultimately useless and damaging; I would prefer someone to love me for me than have them love a version of me I’d created just in order to make a relationship work. We need to find the beauty in seeing relationships objectively as simply ‘attempts’ (or a series thereof) to share a commonality with someone completely different to us… until we end up in one that just makes sense.

    July 3, 2014 at 10:29 pm #60180
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, @quidproquo. That is brutal but absolutely common, as sad as that reality is. I find that in many cases they tend to jump ship when the commitment becomes particularly serious. Buying rings will do that but only when they have already been dwelling on issues over an extended period of time and not disclosing these with you etc. I’m sorry you have to go through not only that but also the demise that was delivered by way of text. Just awful in every way. I know this takes a lot of getting used to but think about this when and if you ever have a calm moment: if someone was capable of being so hurtful and treating you so neglectfully, would you truly want to be with them now knowing this? I find uncommunicated breakups (as in, those where someone decides personally if it’s over rather than relationally) so harsh yet they are so common. In a way, they provide us a very quick, clear release, which I would very much prefer over a long, drawn-out ambivalent breakup. This can be analogous to mediaeval times where a quick beheading (or hanging) was deemed an act of mercy over a long, torturous flaying or burning. Trust me, you don’t want the latter, which is pure emotional torture just like a quick breakup but spliced with shades of hope from being led on. As you say, the lack of interest in working on the ‘broken’ relationship and absence of a chance at amends is the most harmful. But if they’ve already deliberated without even needing you, they’ve shown unmistakeably just how little of their own self was ready to love. And you definitely don’t want someone like that – someone who was so willing to throw it all away because of their own ineptitude at communicating fears and anxieties about the relationship. It hurts now and, damn it, I know where you’re coming from, but know you dodged the proverbial bullet! If she stayed, perhaps she would’ve been able to progress through this for the sake of you both and the relationship. But I think this would have inevitably led to your breaking up with her, because ‘problems’ like trust and communication are rudimentary and not easily fixed without direct address.

    July 3, 2014 at 10:29 pm #60181
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, @Porterman. You bring up something that I intentionally left absent from my post but, yes, there should be an emotional ‘threshold’ to which individuals in a relationship must think for themselves, look out for themselves, and ultimately find the best way to defend themselves if things are getting patchy. Generally I reserve such introspection for those who have been hurt before, perhaps serially. Most often people have conflicting feelings in relationships, which I always attributed to the ‘early stage’ where both sides are feeling out similarities, rectifying dissimilarities, establishing expectations, and considering compromises. But as with your post, and other TB topics I’ve recently been involved in, I’ve noticed that it’s actually more prevalent in exceedingly longer relationships. I’m not sure what makes people incapable of talking through things, I mean, people are fundamentally different and should be accepted for this. What I was trying to get across is that I do understand the right to an internal emotional threshold that does not have to be discussed with a partner, but once the issues get too big for people to resolve by contemplation, they definitely need to be expedited to an open platform within the relationship. I know that once ‘I’m not sure’ gets uttered, the relationship is immediately stuck in neutral or just flat out stalls until either it ends or it gets fixed. I’m from the opinion that I’d rather know this as soon as possible. It’s fine for someone to have doubts, but to not communicate those doubts after such a long period until they have made up their own mind and want out is just completely unfair for the other person. At the close of the day, one person is always going to be more hurt and, to me, this kind of withholding tells me that someone has made a conscious effort to ensure their happiness and prioritise their recovery over someone else’s. Therefore I’d rather find out about such relational conflict as soon as it begins to linger, choosing to end things in an environment where the hurt is shared (burdened) by both people, rather than it being cowardly or calculatingly tipped on one person once they’ve ‘self’-assessed their feelings. Having just said all of this, I need you to understand that your situation is so much closer to ours than the surface would have you believe; I went and read your first post covering this (http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/good-situation-but-im-still-unsure/). In your case, it appears obvious that you tried to express your ill treatment to your wife and her family but it was always facetiously undermined, contradicted, and manipulated to the point that your ability to function optimistically and hopefully was completely exhausted. It is through this that your ascription as the ‘dumper’ is nothing more than a technicality. You are officially exonerated from the ‘coward’ and ‘blindsider’ attributions I made, if only for the sheer stifled marital environment you struggled through. However, this is only under the assumption that you tried to communicate these with your wife. As aforementioned, people are simply different; it shouldn’t be focussed as an obstruction but as a fact that can be worked and managed and improved upon. As for your ‘affair’ situation, it’s so easy for society to affix blame to the final catalysing factor without even a slight glance at the preponderance of ‘small’ contributing factors that build up over time to in fact cause the catalyst. Without any context or detail, simply when someone has an affair they are immediately lambasted as the ‘reason’ the relationship broke down, completely disregarding the various lead-up events – incidents of physical abuse, prolonged emotional trauma, controlling obsessiveness, familial manipulation etc. These things aren’t brought to light and are in most cases swept into insignificance once someone has committed adultery. Sadly this appears exactly like your situation; and I think people should be held accountable for all these contributing factors rather than the catalysing one. I’d appreciate an update on the relationship that superseded your marriage, if only to expand upon some of your points.

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