Dear Murtaza:

I read a part of your recent post earlier, not focused much, and tired (still am), but focused enough to know/ deeply feel how special it is. I didn’t want to lose it (just in case the website disappears for some reason, something that didn’t happen since May 2015, when I first posted here). I will be back to your thread in about 13 hours. I hope you are sleeping peacefully at this time.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

Before I am leaving, maybe the reason sadness feels good to you is because feeling something feels warm, and feeling nothing (being dissociated/ detached) isn’t really a feeling but a state of non-existence of sorts.

Feeling sadness is a calm feeling, preferable to the agitating/ unpleasantly-exciting feelings of fear and anger. Sadness is preferable to all the feelings, I think- the calmest, least disturbing. Do you agree?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .

Dear Murtaza:

A person’s empathy can and does get misused. I just returned from a visit to the local taproom where I drank some red wine, it was pretty nice to talk, and to listen to people enjoying themselves. Good night, Murtaza!

anita

Dear Murtaza:

I don’t know how good you imagine a taproom experience to be, but in my experience it has been very good, a lot of the time: I visit the taproom in the late afternoons/ evenings (it is not open after 8, and I hardly ever stay after 7 pm), sitting outside under the warm, pleasant sun, or under cover in winter,  around a propane fueled fire- these are the best. People are (not surprisingly) in their best moods under the influence of some alcohol (beer, ciders and red wine is all that’s served). People go to the taproom to enjoy themselves, so they are highly motivated to get along and be nice to each other.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

“no one does empathies with me, no one hear it”- I do, long-distance geographically, but short-distance  emotionally, at least at times during each day.

It’s okay to not say anything when you have nothing more to say. Maybe later you will, and then you can say it. You can say it to me by posting again, any time you want to. I will be away from the computer anywhere from a few hours to about a day from now.

anita

Hi Murtaza

I thank you for clarifying your response, however I still don’t feel dialog between us is going to be helpful.  You appear to be very literal with your definitions where as I see words as symbols, that point past themselves expanding ones experience.

To be clear your language didn’t bother me it just left me little space to engage with.   Take your reaction to the words wonder and joy that gave you permission to assume you understood my experience and so labeled me a ‘norime’.  Perhaps if you knew of my time in the military, time of cancer, time of losing love ones you might reconsider the definition of ‘normal’. Where you responding to me you, or responding you your associations with the words joy and wonder? Presuming my use of the words meant you knew me, and knowing me, free to label me and set me aside.  The very thing you dislike others doing to you.

I brought up the Buddhist noble truth of suffering because you your original question in this thread reminded me of it. (and that this is a Buddhist site if a little one)  You assume that because I brought it up I understand it and or must agree with it. Which I do and I don’t. It seems to depends on the perspective I take. From where I look at it, in general or personal, objective or subjective…  Life is complex and simple.

I should have been clear, It was Schopenhauer who said ‘Life is something that should not be’ In context He struggled with the reality that Life feeds off life, and that he found no meaning to it, and little joy. (I wonder if he did not enjoy being sad, I wonder if that might also apply to me?) 

Our life is dependent of consuming life until it is our turn to be consumed. Every breath we take fuels and brakes down our body.  The only advice I gave is that how we respond to that reality is important as it will very much color our experiences. Some will turn to religion, some to drink, some to meditation, some to despair, some to indifference, some to engagement, some to art, some to anger, some to love, some to hate, some to compassion, some to joy… Their may be a time for each, who am I to say which is the better for someone other then myself.

I wondered if the “Salmon” after completing it journey enjoyed the struggle or resented it.  It is a wonder to me that I can imagine that that Salmon did. That does not mean I have been able to do the same with regards my own sufferings… I wonder…. when I found myself on a mountain, in a storm, injured, cold, miserable, frightened, that in that moment I found wonder at the power of the storm, the mountain, myself. A experience I would never choose to experience, yet cannot deny how alive I felt in the moment. I wonder if it was Joy? How is it that perspective can change a memory of a experience, and that change the present moment? Why is it the word wonder is related to the word wounded? Greater minds then mine have pondered such things.

This is only dialog not advice.

Dear Murtaza:

In this post I will not try to produce a focused, coherent essay of sorts, no particular purpose or agenda to it. I located your first thread “I can’t cry anymore”, June 17- Nov 8, 2020. I went through 4 out of the 8 pages,  and will quote from these four pages. When I quote you, I will make minor editing changes, correcting grammar and spelling so to make the reading easier for me to process.

In your recent posts to Peter (May 27 & 30, 2021), you clearly expressed your opinion that he (as a “normie”) is intellectually inferior to you. You expressed this attitude in regard  to “normies” before: that you are intellectually superior to them. It is nice that you let Peter know at the end of your second post to him, that you think that he is a nice person.. but no one likes to be treated as inferior. I don’t. I don’t know if my luck ran out already and I have joined the “normies”, in your mind, and now you consider me intellectually inferior to you. I wouldn’t like it, not at all (I already don’t as I imagine it).

No one likes to be treated as inferior, and it is wrong to treat others as such, particularly people reaching out to you with the intent to help you, however little, however unsuccessful.

I communicated with Peter myself, years ago, and in my experience looking back, he is not intellectually inferior to you. His writing is largely figurative, and I have trouble understanding it (I need concrete writing), but there are members who prefer his writing over mine and respond to him while not responding to me. We have to tolerate differences without judging them as inferior, or superior.

On June 17 last year, almost a year ago, you wrote in regard to me: “One of the reasons I signed up here was you. I saw your reply on an old thread and liked how you responded. To be honest, I wanted to talk to you (not about my problems or anything just talking really, because you seem like a person who knows life…) but it seems this site doesn’t have this feature.. There aren’t a lot of people I know, to be honest…I wish I knew a person like you in real life, just someone who understands me and listens to me, someone I could trust and be safe with. I wish I could hug such person and cry. It doesnt have to be relationship…. I feel bad because I’m wasting your time to be honest. I know I’m not gonna do anything about this stuff and I’m just taking your time and energy. I like talking to you cause you really pay attention to what I say. You also sound very wise and I like that”-

– If I take what you wrote at the time concretely, and not figuratively, then what you were saying is that you want to interact with me so to feel better, but not so to consider anything I say as a motivation to make any practical change to your life. You wanted me to pay attention to what you say- not to motivate you to make a single practical difference in your life, however small.

“I suppress my anger, and recently I decided that anger is just a toxic emotion and I will try not to be angry… There is nothing I can do with anger. Most of my experiences with it were bad… For me, anger only has bad consequences, if I release it.  And to answer your future question: there is no healthy way of releasing it, for me.. If I don’t release it, I have the same bad consequences. Therefore it’s toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry.”

I asked you:  “I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how?”  You answered: “No one hurt me. I just like using logic over feelings. I just don’t see a point of anger”.

I asked: “You mean all  this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?” You answered: “ Well, I don’t remember caring for anyone enough to let him hurt me… It doesnt matter really. I’m me now, and I don’t think I will ever change my mind about life, unless I see something worth living. Sadly, I see most of the things pointless”-

– I am sure that it is not true that no one hurt you, you shared enough about people hurting you when you were a child. “no one hurt me”- that’s a lie you said to yourself (and to me) at the time. You wrote that you don’t remember caring for anyone to let him hurt you, but I have no doubt that you deeply cared for others early on, very much so.

You were hurt, you got angry, and nothing you felt and did made any difference, so Nothing Matters became the theme of your life, as well as I will not consider anything until I see proof -another theme.

“The thing I fantasize about: being in love with a woman. Don’t tell me it could happen cause I know for sure it can’t-  my life is a living proof. Even if I find the woman I want (which in the middle east is gonna be really hard)..,  there are a 100 things that will come between me and the fantasy. So, I decided: why bother when I can have what I desire in my mind. It’s better than reality anyway… I actually don’t want to be in a relationship because I will probably end up in bad one”-

– there is proof that Fantasy can substitute Reality.

“This is my point: to suffer less till the end.. I’m alone with no help whatsoever, not even from myself. with no purpose to live for, and I don’t know anything about life really… I cant make people love me, and the way I live and think isnt very loveable to people… I don’t know anything about life tbh”-

– and you are absolutely resisting any learning unless there is proof that such learning will guarantee you personally a better life. Because such proof is impossible to come by… you are not open to learning anything different from what you already know.

“I  just haven’t seen any prove that free will exist”- free will exists. I have proof.

“I’m 20, I live with my family. I live in the middle east so its different. I have no job..  I was student and dropped out.. I got my father retirement, so I don’t need money”, “I hate society and everyone that follows it. Perhaps hate is a big word. But I just want nothing to do with this society and its people. I just hate the fact that most females don’t like me. In fact, I feel they would feel Disgust when they know me, and  I dislike when I see a weak female, not because she is weak, but because I know I can’t fulfill her needs. Just telling a female that I don’t have a job, she would respect me less. In fact she wouldn’t respect me at all”.

“I actually think this is the best life I can ever get. I really can’t imagine a better life”- you = referred to your life in the title of your first thread of June 2020: “I can’t cry anymore“, and recently, in the title of your second thread, May 1 2021: “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?”-  this is not “best life” in any reputable dictionary anywhere in the world. Not even in your private dictionary. I have proof of that.

anita