Nicole,

I am sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand the difficulty finding self worth when we’ve been abused, especially by our parents. And not just the hitting or yelling, but the absence of unconditional love. It sets us in this cycle of seeking out a value, living up to some standard, to prove we’re worthy of love, of happiness. And that’s tough to find, because the worth is inherent. Its not some balance between our successes and failures, that’s just information, just data. The worth comes from being a family, a sisterhood, a brotherhood, feeling seen, heard, known… and is something we all deserve, are worthy of, and can connect to. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps the main issue that cycles around in the life of an abuse victim is often shame. That feeling of low value, like we don’t deserve happiness and companionship. So we hide and plan, try to come up with ways of connecting, of bringing value. Then, we present a veil to the others, an image of who we think is lovable. Sadly, because they’re showing acceptance for the veil, and not “the real you”, as we sit alone, its difficult to feel our light, and instead feel alone. Not only did we expend energy trying too hard, but we also don’t feel known.

The solution is authentic humility, or growing self acceptance. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy, making each of our paths a stumbling and bumbling mess of a thing. That’s just something we have to come to accept, to see (in ourselves and others) and forgive. Then, when we make an error, or don’t know what to do, we shrug and give it our best.

For instance, consider your sex issue. Sex is a lot of fun, and good for stress relief and emotional intimacy. And you desire it. However, instead of just opening up and going after it, there is the fear (unworthy and undesired?) that shuts it down. So, ask yourself “am I safe?”. Do you trust him? Are your hearts connected? Stress and tiredness aside, do you feel like he honors your desires? When we know we’re safe, its easier to see that the fear must be coming from somewhere else, so we take a breath and just jump in, speak our heart to our loved one. Perhaps “I really want to have way more sex in our relationship, what do you think would help that happen?”. However he responds, be patient, listen, try to see it from his side, but be accepting that its your desire. Its normal, usual, and wonderful to have the desire for union, passion, and orgasm with our romantic partner… and if that’s sleeping in him, be willing to wake it up, grow with him, be patient as that spark rekindles. Guys are pretty simple… aim at the root. 🙂 Obviously, this is just an example, and your mileage may vary.

The point is really that you have feelings, desires, and opinions, and they are inherently valid, worth expressing and honoring. Its not selfish, or self centered… its self nurturing. It really only slides into selfishness when we ignore our needs for too long, and then become demanding, insistent, pushy. Just remember to be as patient as you can be, with him, with yourself, with others… and I’m confident you’ll find your groove pretty easy. Your light is bright. Said differently, its fine to have a heroic vision of ourselves that we look up to and try to be like (mine is a mix of Superman, Dr. MLK, and Kermit), as long as we’re not ashamed of who we actually are. Sure, we aim for greatness, but accept who we really are, normally a shade of the hero, but still a bumbling fool as well! Welcome to the party!

Finally, consider taking in some of Brene Brown’s work, especially the book Daring Greatly or her TED talks. I think she targets the very puzzle you’re wrestling with. Also, consider doing some metta meditation or yoga. Sometimes when we have a very analytical mind, we need some extra help getting back into our body… and either of those help with body awareness. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, or a local yoga center or whatnot.

Namaste, may you find your passion.

With warmth,
Matt