I apologise if I repeat myself or this gets long. I wasn’t sure whether to post this but I am beating myself up and I have had such lovely advice here in the past year or so.

My background you all know really if you remember me but quick recap – My brother attacked my husband unprovoked infront of our children in 2011, we called the police and had him removed from our property. I was bullied yet again by mother to forgive him. She threatened to cut me and my children off. Scared to lose her (I’d had a lifetime of my brothers violence and family controlling me, mother and sisters included), I went along and agreed to forgive him. My Grandmother died suddenly in July 2012 (she was more like a mother to me) and in September 2012 my brother chased me in his car, I ran into a police station nearby for help and he assaulted me. He was arrested and thrown in a cell for a day. My mother and sisters hurled abuse at me, said I got him arrested and they wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I didn’t press charges despite police telling me to, and he was actually arrested for assaulting a female police officer and being a danger to the public. I told my mother and sisters this but I was called a liar and cut off from my family. My mother weeks later found out I’d told the truth and came to aplogise. By the Christmas I was very ill, I had post traumatic stress disorder, crippling anxiety and had become agoraphobic. My father stood by my side and he even cut all my siblings off for what they had done to me. My mother although she apologised didn’t support me, ignored my text messages telling her how I was struggling and abandoned me.

Christmas that year my brother visit our gran with my sisters, my gran (dads mother) threw him out and called him a disgrace for what he had done to me. He was found a few hours later by my mother saying he was suicidal because I’d told my Gran what he had done (my father had told her). My mother and sisters came to my home Christmas Eve infront of my children hurling abuse at me and said that if he died I’d have blood on my hands. After that I kept my distance and even limited my mothers visits to once a month and I found those incredibly hard but I did it as my children were so confused as to why aunties, uncles, cousins etc had all left our lives. I felt guilty so I allowed my mother to still be in their lives. During this time my husbands brother cut us off as his new girlfriend didn’t like us and we had only met her twice, briefly, so my poor children lost their other cousins and uncle. It was horrific.

Last year my sister wanted contact again, stupidly I agreed to be civil but this then gave her access to see the children and visit on their birthdays, christmas etc… She keeps pushing for more, being all nice but inside I cannot forget the abuse she gave me. For 2 years after I was attacked she hurled abuse at me via text message, telling me to forgive our brother or she would make sure I never saw my mother again, she told my mother or should I say convinced her I was not agoraphobic because I could take my children to school. I did nothing but that and it destroyed my world that I couldn’t go out.

By summer 2014 I was back out living my life. I had to go on medication to help the anxiety and I had to pay for private therapy for 18 months. I got my life back. I was 80% better, able to get out alone to shops again, take the children out, we could go for meals on birthdays again, days out and holidays every summer just an hour away but it was amazing for us. My children had been the most supportive kind people I’d ever known. I sat them down and explained I was agoraphobic. They are 14, 13 and 11 so not easy to hide, they kept asking why I wasn’t going out so I decided to be honest. They were aware of what my brother had done to me as my mother made it very obvious shouting about it in my home for them to hear.

Last winter my son became suicidal, he was terribly bullied. It was the worst point in my life and I started to feel very unwell physically. I was then diagnosed with stress and an underactive thyroid. It is still not properly medicated and my GP is trying to get me on the right dose but for the last year I have been so ill with crippling fatigue, body weakness and dizziness. With it all my anxiety and agoraphobia flooded back in because I became too scared to go out as I felt too weak and unwell. Even with hubby I find it hard. I feel the worst mother ever. I can no longer do the restaurants, cinema, shops etc.. even with their dad because if I do too much I have the worst energy crashes and end up bed ridden. I have now developed social anxiety after a year of being so unwell at home. My mother abandoned me yet again, I went to her last January and told her how ill I was, how my son was so very unwell with depression due to bullies and I was afraid I’d lose him. I asked if she could support me as I was struggling to hold it all together. I was almost bed ridden with my health, every day I had to take the children to school and once I was so weak I had to crawl around the house. My husband had started a new job so couldn’t help me but he did as soon as he got home and at weekends I was able to rest. My mothers response was ‘you know I would if I could’. She chose not to, she lives 15 minutes away and helps my sisters daily with their children. She rejected me and my son. I became so resentful and all the trauma hit me again of how awful they have treated me. IT was a very tough year but slowly I got a bit better as the thyroid medication worked, I started to manage small trips out and shops again. It was hard as I was battling ill health and agoraphobia again but I was slowly improving.

Then last month as Christmas approached my anxiety hit hard, so severe. I was a wreck. I was terrified of family visiting, scared of my health issues flaring up and what if it spoilt Christmas. Chritsmas for me I find hard after the year my mother turned up hurling abuse at me Christmas Eve infront of my chiildren, so it’s inbuilt i get anxious now in December as I want it to be perfect. I was so ill with anxiety and by being so anxious my health crashed. All year I’d had huge energy crashes if I over did it at home, or went out for too long or socialised too long. I would be in bed with a huge energy crash the next day or 2 but in the autumn it had improved as my medicine was helping. I could finally clean again, cook, go out for short walks and little trips to the shops. I felt I was getting my life back slowly and felt less guilty for being ill. I was ill Christmas Day with crippling fatigue, the stress of the month got to me. My mother I had arranged for her to visit Christmas Eve. We had arranged it for weeks, 10am for 2 hours as I didn’t want to risk any crashes and the rest of the day hubby had plans so the morning suited us best. She agreed but never showed up. An hour later I heard from my step dad, he told me she had gone shopping with my sister. My children were upset. I told my husband to drive to her house with the children so they could see my step dad and pass presents on. My mother had arrived back just as my husband arrived, he stayed for half an hour then said we had a busy day so had to leave. I refused to go as I was so hurt and anxious. IT was just typical behaviour of my mother, she is all my sisters and their children and puts us last, it hurt she did that to my children.

Anyway, just before New Year she turned up at my house and wanted a talk. I said I was too ill to have a heart to heart as I couldn’t afford a crash and ruin our New Year as we were going to make it our Christmas Day again as I had started to feel a little less fatigued. Well she ignored that and i broke down sobbing upstairs, she came to my room and we had a 3 hour talk. For the first time I told her exactly how I felt about her the last few years, how she had abandoned me etc…. she cried eventually and then said she was sorry. I asked why she had never supported me or taken care of me this last year knowing how ill I was, and she did know. She said ‘well I can’t get to you, your sister works full time, you can’t pick me up and it’s 2 buses to your house’. Obviously I am not worth those 2 buses. I told her from now on she visit around my health, not turning up unannounced as it wasn’t good for me. The next day I crashed severely, the worst I ever have. I was in bed for 2 days weak, felt sick, shaky and terribly fatigued. I struggled to walk to the bathroom I was that ill, it was terrifying. I then realised all year I’d crashed after seeing my mother or sister, everytime i see them I end up in bed so ill with the crash feelings and that isn’t good for me. I went back to therapy and she told me the crashes were the fatigue and that over exerting myself was the cause but seeing family gave me the worst crashes as they are visits that cause me extreme fear and emotion because those people have hurt me so much. I have decided to not do that to myself anymore and I will let my mother visit as and when I feel I am well enough and right now my health isn’t great, I am due another medication increase as my thyroid results last week weren’t good again.

Anyway, that wasn’t a quick recap but never mind, i hope you haven’t fallen asleep lol!

So here I am now. 4 years on from the trauma, and I am told the extreme stress of it and ongoing turmoil with my mother and sisters has led to my ill health, ie the chronic fatigue and underactive thyroid. It hurts me that they have led me to this ill health and just when life was good again and i overcame the anxiety and agoraphobia I was then hit with this illness. This last year has been the worst ever. I am worried sick I am going to be a bad influence to my children. What if they end up thinking that I didn’t give them the best childhood and all they remember is a mother who couldn’t go out much, was ill and couldn’t take them to restaurants etc… Last year I still took them on holiday and I will again this year. We go an hour away in a caravan and love it. I am just at a stage of beating myself up terribly. I worry I am a terrible mother, I can’t take them to restaurants, cinema, days out, even shops alone, their dad takes them to any appointments etc… everything I could do again has been taken from me this last year. Before what happened 4 years ago I took them everywhere alone, I could travel alone anywhere and it never bothered me, I didn’t rely on my husband at all. Now I fear I am setting an awful example to my children because I don’t do the things other mothers are doing. I sobbed this weekend just looking at Facebook seeing mums having mum and daughter days out shopping or a trip to the coffee shop. Families out for meals or trips to a museum. I worry I am robbing my children of memories. My husband told me off as they’ve done all those things and they will remember them. I take them on holiday every year, at home I play on their xbox with them, we watch movies together, we cook together, sit and talk… I do my best and we are always laughing. People always comment we are a beautiful happy family and even people on Facebook have said they look up to us as a family which is lovely. Yet I still fear i am not doing a good enough job, i fear what if my children inside resent me for not even doing meals out on their birthdays now. My son turns 13 next month and i know i won’t be well enough to go out for a meal, my husband turns 40 in April and I feel I am letting him down too.

I sobbed to my therapist last week about this and she told me I was a fantastic mother who obviously adores her children. My GP years ago told me he had never ever met a mother like me. He said ‘your daughter idolises you. She looks at you like you’re some kind of God, it’s lovely seeing how close you are’. He made my day. They are my world, everything I do is for them but I worry I am giving them the worst start right now. I don’t wnat them to ever grow up having agoraphobia, and now I play that right down and have never admitted I am agoraphobic again, I blame my ill health for my restricted life right now. I know if I woke tomorrow and my energy returned, I felt well I would go out and face all the anxiety it had brought back. I would be out facing the agoraphobia, yes it wouldn’t be easy but i overcame it before, it would be a breeze to overcome without the added fear of how ill I felt. This ill health has caused me to feel terrified to go out due to how weak I felt, dizzy, faint and how bad I’d crash if I went out for long has become a huge fear. I have to pace myself every day or I risk a crash. I never realised an underactive thyroid could make you so weak and unwell. I am just praying my increase this week will improve things and I can get back out and live my life and be someone my children can look up to.

I am sorry this got long, i just had to let this out. I am feeling so guilty and like the worst mother ever right now. I don’t want to be ill and the mother that always has to say she can’t go with them when their dad takes them to the cinema, or badminton, swimming etc… I want to be included in those memories again 🙁

How can I stop beating myself up like this? 🙁

Julie