Home→Forums→Tough Times→Worried I'm not a good enough mother having a chronic illness
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Sara.
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January 23, 2017 at 10:02 am #125977
AnonymousGuestDear Julie:
Being a good mother is the most difficult job in the world, for someone struggling with physical and mental health issues.
You wrote above: “I then realised all year I’d crashed after seeing my mother or sister, everytime i see them I end up in bed so ill with the crash feelings and that isn’t good for me.”
Clearly, you need to have your mother and sisters out of your life. Yet, you keep having them in your life and in your children’s life. Your association with your mother and sister/s is hurting you. And when they are hurting you, they are also hurting your children. Your mother and sister/s are hurting your children indirectly, by hurting you, and directly, by hurling abuse at you in their hearing presence that Christmas, by promising to show up and not showing up to visit, etc.
At one point it was your brother, and then your mother and sisters that caused you harm. At this point, because you know of that harm they cause you, again and again, and because you choose to associate with them, especially with your mother, again… and yet again, you are no longer a victim but a volunteer.
It is your responsibility to yourself, to your children and to your husband to have No Contact with abusive people: brother, mother, sisters.
anita
January 24, 2017 at 5:01 am #126038
LibbyParticipantThank you Anita
My sister and mother don’t get close enoough to hurt me now, contact is very limited. I have no contact with my brother and younger sister. The issue with my sister is she is polite now, always too nice to me but of course i know it’s false as she isn’t a nice person and when I see her I just think of past abuse and the hurt she has caused me. She also doens’t validate what my brother did to me and expects me to let her have the children at her house and if he visits that’s fine but I have stopped her having the children over and said no to sleepovers. She hates it and tries to pick a fight with me over it but I am hard now and jsut say no. My mother again she is all extra nice with me now, buys my childrens affections when she does see them. She loves my children I know that and I think she is aware of how her past behaviour has damanged our relationship and that’s why she is being so extra nice now. She rings me twice a week now and texts asking how I am since our big talk at new year but I don’t want it, I just am so used to coping alone now that seeing or even speaking to her makes my energy dip and makes me feel unwell. She is accepting this and isn’t turning up to visit now or going against my wishes and just turning up. My son asked her last week when she was visiting next, she said ‘well your mum said I can’t visit during the week now as she is unwell and the week days are busy for her and tiring’ so I took hold of the phone and said to my mum I couldn’t do week day visits as I’m alone in the week, hubby is at work and I have a chronic illness so can’t entertain people. I have to do school runs, cooking, cleaning and that takes every inch of energy. I said we would arrange visits on weekends around my health and when I feel strong enough to have visitors and not crash. She said ‘as long as the children know it’s not that I don’t want to see them’, which made me feel like I was at fault.
The children love their Nan, I can’t take that away from them because if I did I know that would damage my relationships with my children. My eldest would resent me a lot. He rings his nan a couple of times a week for a chat. So I do feel my hands are tied, it’s horrible. I also have social anxiety since the agoraphobia, I said to my husband is is just I want to avoid people, am I wrong and avoiding people? he said ‘no, you’re avoiding those that hurt you and who would blame you. You’re unwell and need to focus on recovery without any reminders of what they have done to you’. I do have social anxiety right now but I think my husband is right, it’s not my social anxiety stopping me seeing family, I just get panicky seeing them in general and right now I am unwell physically and can’t face them.
My sister is 30 in April and messaged me at teh weekend about her birthday party. I said I wouldn’t be attending because I am having health issues still and am unwell, I can’t attend parties as I have chronic fatigue and am in bed as soon as my husband gets in as I have to rest to be able to be a mother during the week. Her reply ‘well I want you there!!!’ I replied ‘well I have to do what’s right by me I’m afraid. I have been very ill for a year and right now i have to take care of myself so I can get well for my family’. She then said maybe my hubby could drop the children off, I said that wouldn’t be an option, my brother is going and no way would I let him near my children. My family love to take our children away from us and then see how they act around my brother. My mum had my sons for a sleepover 2 years ago and she allowed my brother to visit while they were there, I was so hurt and picked them up as the boys were texting me to pick them up as they felt scared. My mother to this day says that they were laughing and joking with my brother and that she thinks we turn the children against him. Of course it couldn’t possibly be his actions are why our children are afraid of him. It hurts that she rubs in my face that my children were laughing and joking with him {they have told me that my mum lied as they didn’t speak to him) I just can’t understand why she would rub in my face that a man who attacked me was all friendly with my children. I feel she cares so much about my brother feeling less guilt as apparently he feels guilty and afraid my children hate him. She cares more about reassuring him than she does how I feel and will rub in my face that my children were happy speaking to him. It’s horrible and that is why I stopped all sleepovers and any access without my husband or I present.
I have taken a stand and it’s by my rules but I just don’t know how else to go about it as I can’t hurt my children, they have lost so many people and I hate myself for that even though I didn’t cause any of it, I stupidly feel guilty. Now i am ill physically and dealing with anxiety again I feel even more guilt.
Thank you for your reply.
JulieJanuary 24, 2017 at 5:49 am #126040
TannhauserBlockedYour chronic fatigue and underactive thyroid are due to a condition known as hypopituitarism. It is quite a rare disease. Your doctor should have prescribed Hydrocortisone and Levothyroxine. I know this because I too have the condition, and to say it blights one’s life is an understatement. In my case it caused growth hormone deficiency and infertility, as well as the fatigue you mention. You will also probably be experiencing anhedonia, which is an inability to gain pleasure or enjoyment from anything. And some say it is also difficult to experience love with this disease.
If you want happiness, you must be selfish and put your needs first.
Best wishes,
TannhauserJanuary 24, 2017 at 9:10 am #126052LibbyParticipantThank you for your reply.
My GP has not mentioned hypopituitarism, I haven’t heard of it before either. My GP has run many tests and all that showed was an underactive thyroid.
January 24, 2017 at 9:25 am #126055AnonymousGuestDear Libby:
I didn’t read your entire post because I already read a whole lot about your mother, particularly, in other threads and it upsets me to read about her behavior. So I avoided reading all of your account. It is probably a repetition of the same-old-same-old. And that is my point: if it upsets me to READ more about the same-old-same-old behavior from your mother (and sister), I can understand how upsetting it must be for you, it being she is your mother in your life.
The fact that your mother and sister are polite does not impress me- I think you see through it and it doesn’t impress you either.
You wrote that your children love your mother- I remember from your previous threads that they were repeatedly hurt by her behavior and I suggested to you in those threads to prevent further hurt by cutting contact with them. At this point, if you believe that she is a positive influence in their life via direct contact with her, then I would suggest still, that you cut all contact with your mother and sister and have your husband manage the children-grandmother communication without any involvement on your part.
Frankly, Libby, I am done reading about your mother and sister. If you choose to continue your contact with them, that is your choice, and it is your right to make this choice. It is my right to make the choice to not read about that ongoing contact (and how it damages you) anymore.
anita
January 24, 2017 at 9:39 am #126057LibbyParticipantAnita
I am sorry if you feel ‘done’ reading my post. I shall have it removed, I certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone. I was just posting in Tough Times as right now I am feeling a terrible mother with my ill health, maybe I should not have mentioned the issue with my family.
I am sorry it has offended you and of course you have a right to not read my posts, that is totally your choice and I take no offence from that.
Julie
January 24, 2017 at 10:00 am #126059AnonymousGuestDear Libby/ Julie:
No, no need to remove your thread (even if it was possible). First, I am only but one member. You already got another response and others may respond as well. It doesn’t offend me that your thread exists, and it will not offend me that you add to it as much as you would like and start as many more threads as you would like. That will not be a problem for me. What I will do, as you post more, is go through your posts and if I read that you cut all contact with your mother and sister, then I will be motivated to reply.
Otherwise, I will skip the same-old-same-old which upsets me because you are suffering so much; your children are suffering; your husband is suffering and the cause of the suffering is these contacts which you choose to continue.
Please, keep posting, as long as it helps you to vent, have other members reply… keep posting.
anita
January 24, 2017 at 10:29 am #126061LibbyParticipantThank you Anita
I do understand your frustration, even I get frustrated at myself that I allow myself to live in this constant turmoil so my children don’t lose another grandmother. My husbands mum has serious mental health issues, she lashed out at all the family after she left my father in law for another man. She regretted it and turned into a very angry, bitter woman and cut the whole family out, her 2 sons and all her beautiful grandchildren. She was abusive towards me many a time and angry we were happy and she did the same to other family. That is why I cling onto my children having a grandmother and i guess because my childhood was mainly only happy because of my wonderful grandmother I want my children to have a grandmother. I know my mother has done me wrong, and in turn that has effected my children, and I know that she has let them down a lot the last 4 years by rarely visiting and then when my son was bullied she didn’t offer him any support. I know she has done wrong and like you say I see through my sister and mothers nice behaviour now, it’s all a little too late for me.
I have learnt to stand my ground. I refused to see her at Chrsitmas, I refused to let my children have a sleepover at my sisters and I have declined her invitation to her 30th birthday. I am making changes but I still just feel very torn about the grandmother situation as my children would be heartbroken, they love her and have told me they miss her. They are already such confused souls wondering why they have no cousins in their lives and no grandmother on their dads side. I feel heartbroken for them. They have stability with me and their father, we are such a happy close family.
I maybe should not have vented all about my family, I just let it all out. My main pain right now is my chornic illness with my thyroid and the guilt that causes me as a mother. I should have mainly focused on that in the original post. That was really why I posted but my heart just flooded all my pain out infront of me.
THank you.
Julie
January 24, 2017 at 7:43 pm #126093AnonymousGuestDear Julie:
Your children need you healthy. They do not need your mother- it is YOU so needy of your mother. It is you who are chasing her for attention and dragging your kids in this desperate chase of yours.
It is your responsibility to your children to heal best you can and keep best health possible for you. You stated that your mother (and sister/s) are bad for your health.
And so, you owe it to your children to stop chasing your mother, to stop all contact with her. Let her go.
anita
January 25, 2017 at 1:52 am #126103LibbyParticipantAnita,
If I didn’t have children, in all honesty I would have cut all contact years ago. I promise you it’s not for my benefit at all as I am the one who feels the negativity and ill health they bring to me. The stress of seeing them causes it. I do it for my children as they ask to see her, ask when she is next visiting and I can’t hurt them anymore by cutting out this last family member, I just can’t do it to them as I know 100$ it would destroy the relationship I have with them as they are hurt enough that other family members have walked out.
It’s not good for me so I am considering my husband meeting my mother with the children for the time being. I have ill health, which is genuine and caused by my underactive thyroid. I need to focus on that and not add stress to the mix as that makes me more unwell on top of what already is a difficult time.
Thank you.
Julie
January 25, 2017 at 7:50 am #126114AnonymousGuestDear Julie:
You are welcome. It is way, way, way… better for your children to have
* A Healthy Mother and No Grandmother
than it is for them to have
* A Sick Mother and a Grandmother.
I can’t state this any other way.
Unfortunately for your children, you have chosen the second option.
Wishing you and your children the First.
It may be that the reason your children have been asking for your mother is that they see how important she is to YOU, how important it is to you (not to them), that your mother sees your children. I do believe it is your attachment to your mother that is in the core of this, not your children’s.
I will not argue this point. This is all my input to you. I have nothing else. Wishing you and your children the best.
anita
January 25, 2017 at 9:06 am #126119LibbyParticipantThank you for your reply Anita.
No need to argue the point, it is your opinion and you’re entitled to that of course. I am just doing what’s best for my children, as a mother I put my needs last. I don’t even want to see my mother so I have no desire to cling onto her or the relationship, and that is why I will let my husband take the children to see my mother away from the home. If the children didn’t ask to see her or tell me they missed her then it would be far easier to cut the contact but as I said I am doing what they want and that means putting what I want last.
They will have a healthy mother once my medication is at the correct dose for my thyroid and this year I am making sure I don’t subject myself to family contact that I don’t feel is right for me, but I shall allow the children to see my mother if they wish to. They are all older so it’s not as black and white as cutting that contact as they’d contact her themselves and arrange to meet her, with them having their own phones and she also calls them.
I may feel less energy crashes and less anxiety not seeing my mother but the thyroid illness is a separate issue. Hopefully me seeing my mother much less will have a positive impact and I will be far happier. If they wish to see my mother then they of course can, I won’t stop that and as I said it would be difficult to do.
Thank you for your time.
Take care
Julie
January 25, 2017 at 10:42 am #126130AnonymousGuestDear Julie:
In spite of my frustration here, because I have the time this morning, I went back to history of your postings to see if I can learn something new. It is a great opportunity for me to learn, reading a person’s postings over a long period of time, interacting with different people.
First, regarding your hypothyroid condition: I am not a medical doctor, but I read that there is a strong relationships between these two parts of the endocrine system: the thyroid and the adrenal glands, and that long term stress, as what you experienced for many years in your relationships with your mother and siblings, hurts the thyroid. It seems to me that it can be of great health benefit to you to reduce your stress level, heal your adrenal glands function best you can by reducing your stress, and in so doing, your thyroid function may improve.
Regarding your past posts:
April 30, 2014: “for years people told me to walk away from my family, that their nastiness and arguments caused my anxiety, even my GP said this to me but I ignored his advice…I was told by my GP that my family are volatile and nasty people and I had to put distance between me and them, which I should have listened to before things got to the point that their destructive behavior made me ill with anxiety and OCD.”
July 22, 2015: “My husband backs me up 100%, he said my family were toxic, as did my GP. My GP said my anxiety stems from my family and the way they are so abusive and aggressive, but they have always been that way so I guess I thought it was normal…”
I would say that the affects of your family-of-origin, mother and siblings on your health is clearly established here by the summer of 2015.
On July 22, 2015 you wrote: “I fear I will have an anxiety relapse because of my mum cutting me and my children out of her life… She has blocked out her grandchildren, she hasn’t once tried to call or see them, she hasn’t seen them in 4 weeks. It hurts and my anxiety is rife because of it. I have tried to just accept it and think well if my mum feels this is what she has to do then I accept it but I can’t. I spend every day upset she hasn’t called, upset she has cut our my children. It hurts she has cut me out, yet she has never stopped speaking to my brother and sister who caused all of this. That is what hurts the most i think.
On June 23, 2015, you wrote: “My mum has caused me so much pain in my life and I have always forgiven her because yes, she is my mum… she hasn’t behaved as though she loves me, she only visits to see the children and I feel unloved…. My mum is a very ‘chase me’ type person, if you don’t go to her she sulks… She offers me nothing but hurt, resentment, fear… am not going to call her, I won’t chase her, she is trying to manipulate me again..”
On August 27, 2015, you wrote: “She hasn’t been near my children this summer other than a visit with her husband one weekend and then she brought with her 2 of my sisters children unannounced. I have since text her weekly asking her if she is visiting the children that week to be rejected… It hurts me inside, not for me as I am used to feeling rejection from her but I feel torn up inside that she is such a big part of her other grandchildrens lives and mine are tossed aside.… I used to chase her asking why she made no effort, and I’d go to her crying…”You see, you wrote yourself that you have been chasing her, chasing her to love you directly and then, chasing her to love your children, an extension of you.
Reads to me that indeed, your mother has been a great source of distress to you all your life (you stated so yourself: June 23, 2015: “My mum has caused me so much pain in my life”, August 27, 2015: “She ruined my wedding rehersal by telling my dad to f off infront of the vicar showing me up…When I told her i was pregnant with my son she called me a terrible name, and I was a married woman…”)
And it reads to me that cutting all contact with her will lead to as much healing as would be possible for you.
anita
January 25, 2017 at 8:56 pm #126158
SaraParticipantI am sorry this whole thing is putting you through the emotional wringer. I am not a wise, practical, or sensible person in many ways, but when I feel like my personal experiences can perhaps offer insight…I try to share.
I have a friend with thyroid issues, and she said for years it made it hard for her to find peace and happiness as a mother. She said so much of her battle was with herself that she wondered if she was present enough for her children. Her children are all adults now and they are fine. The thyroid issues just made it hard for her to enjoy motherhood.
I think you really would be happier if you cut your mother and sisters out of your life. I think Anita’s advice is worthy of following. YOU LOVE your children. YOU DON’T TERRORIZE people. Your children are old enough to understand why their TOXIC relatives are out of their life. If they really need to be around CRUEL, HATEFUL, MANIPULATIVE, MEAN family—they can do that when they turn 18. But for now, they are your children, and they will appreciate it’s your duty to protect them. I believe they really are capable of understanding this.
I cut my mean mother out of my life. It was not easy. I felt VERY guilty. But I did it. The amazing thing is… she still finds ways to terrorize me from afar. I’m telling you this so that you can understand that cutting your mean family off will not truly hurt your children. By cutting them off, they will probably still find ways to be nasty. But you will be in the power position of not seeking the abuse, doing your best to pursue only positive people, etc. Your children will see first hand that you are only trying to protect them from nastiness. You will be teaching them they don’t have to be victimized. And watching grandma be mean and devious will be all the explanation and justification they need… and it won’t even be your voice delivering the facts.
Please do yourself and your family a favor… call it “quits” with your mean family. Seek a community of people you can be proud of your children befriending.
January 30, 2017 at 2:33 am #126370LibbyParticipantThank you Anita
I agree totally. I have had my cortisol tested and it’s a little on the high side and told it’s due to chronic stress, that’s hwy I haven’t been seeing family either and I feel much calmer for it. I am on 75mg of thyroxine now so hoping that along with less stress will help my thyroid. I have no doubt in my mind that the post traumatic stress has led to my health problems.
I agree, the first 2 years after the attack I wanted my mum, I was hurt she rejected me and my children but last year all that need went and I became angry at her for rejecting me and my children. Now I honestly do not want her in my life, I feel very little for her other than rejection and hurt. I have changed in the last year and realised who loves me and is worth having in my life are those that have supported me. I have had this ill health a year and it’s been so hard taking care of my children and chronically unwell with my underactive thyroid. I did it, I survived it and still am doing without any support from my mother. It changed me and inside I became a different kind of hurt, a hurt that doesn’t want her near me. I can honestly say if she rang me now asking if she could help, if she could come and visit me daily to help me out at home, I’d say no, I honestly would. That’s the difference now. The only thing that pulls on my heart strings is my children. They lost every single family member and I hurt for them. They love my mum and have easily forgiven her it seems for her not being around much in the last 4 years.
I am limiting contact, I haven’t spoken to her recently and have told her not to visit as I am unwell at the moment with a nasty virus and my thyroid illness and need some time to myself. She is accepting it and not forcing any visits, I suspect she is realising it’s not what i want now. Since our talk last month she seems afraid, when she has rung me she’s been on pins and concerned. She even texts me now in the week asking how I am. I can see she is trying but it’s all a little too late and it’s not what I want now. I will always love my mother but I don’t like the person she is. We can’t erase the damage she and my siblings have done to me but I can make sure it never happens to me again. Right now I need space to get well, I have a lot going on with my health as my GP wants to run even more tests which has spiked my anxiety, I don’t have any time for my family. I have already made it clear to my husband if I am ever taken into hospital the children must go to his dad or mine. My mother isn’t to be told I am in hospital. He was shocked but I made him swear to me he won’t involve my family because I don’t want them near my children, they’d have them near my brother and see it as a way to worm their way back in and I owe them something. We have got this far just the 5 of us with our fathers support, we can keep going.
Thank you.
Julie -
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