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Winter came and went, but the love didn't

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 78 total)
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  • #212493
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    I didn’t understand this part: “Not cautious seems like a negative open from your perspective”- do you mean from my perspective? Or from whose perspective?

    Can you tell me more about how he was similar to you?

    Will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours. Please take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #212723
    tidalwave
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    We have pretty similar views on world structure and the sense of it all. Which I find very important in a relationship with anyone.

    And the second similarity was how he acted. If you have siblings, you probably know this feeling , when you have been raised in one system and field , you have pretty similar thought flow. And so because of it your reactions on something that’s happening are the same. They don’t need to be always the same , but your attention to some things are lead in the same time. I had the same with him. Though we didn’t see each other for years.

    yes, when phrase it like not cautious it takes a negative meaning. But for me, this incautiousness was something positive. Because he made me break my walls.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
    #212735
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    I re- read your posts on the other thread and I am very curious about something you wrote there. You wrote June 25, last year: “He wrote me later that everything is my fault”-

    What did he refer to as your fault?

    anita

    #212745
    tidalwave
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I initiated the break up of few reasons

    1. I was going to another country and he said before , that he can’t wait “ everything or nothing”

    2. My parents pressured on me , telling me how much disappointment it was for me to start a reletionship with him

    So when I wrote him, that “I think we need to stop our relationship right now “ he answered really angry. Without any signs of understanding and saying that it was my fault , that we end like this . Because I knew that I will go away eventually , so we couldn’t be together in one country.

    But for me it was different. He wrote me first , abd after some texting I told him that I am studying abroad. So he knew it from the beginning.

    I tried to stay as neutral as possible because of it. But as soon as we met it all eskalated into a relationship pretty quickly.

    so basically he was saying me , that I deserve this kind of situation, because i was the one who used him , came from another country and then went back.

     

    #212751
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    This is a summary of this unusual love story: a decade ago his family betrayed yours, money involved. In 2017 he texted you on Facebook. You communicated online for three months in 2017. He visited you in your town at one point last year. You met in person three times during that visit. You then gave him money for his ticket back to his home. You ended the online/three dates relationship last year (“I can’t call it a ‘break up’ because we didn’t really date”, you wrote about that breakup). It’s been a year since you met him in person and a few months since you communicated with him online.

    Here is the part that I missed so far in my understanding of this unusual love story: “he often wanted to hear what I feel, and what I think about doing next. And I just was silent. And said nothing… I couldn’t talk. The anxiety was so overwhelming that I just remained silent all the freaking time”.

    This is it. You didn’t talk to him, no conversation. Silence. Three days of silence with him. He was the only one talking.

    You shared about your fear of talking, how it happened before with another guy, communicating well online then being silent in person, which made it impossible to continue a relationship with the other guy. You also shared that you lost friends in school, if I remember correctly, because you didn’t talk.

    I suppose it is possible to have a relationship in person without talking. There is such a thing as sign language and writing notes. He can talk to you and you can in turn write or type notes to him.

    But a one way communication, in person, makes a relationship in person an impossible thing.

    anita

     

    #212755
    tidalwave
    Participant

    About talking.
    My problem with talking was back in my teens. Over-analyzing,  self-consciousness.  This time with him I just fell back into this pattern, which I had. Because it was a kind of self-defense instinct I had before.  As much I am analyzing it, I see in what way it was different.

    First time we met I felt pretty weird because I wasn’t in relationship before. But I saw that it was escalating pretty quickly.  What I noticed that day, that I just couldn’t imagine myself in this situation before.It was exciting so I went into a “viewer mode” . I didn’t talk much, just observing this situation from a “bird view”, like it was not happening to me. That was weird indeed.

    When he came to my town , we’ve talked normally (much better) , as I wrote before, I could tell him really deep things because I felt no walls around us anymore (somehow).

    But this “he often wanted to hear what I feel, and what I think about doing next. And I just was silent. And said nothing… I couldn’t talk. The anxiety was so overwhelming that I just remained silent all the freaking time” was different.

    He asked me all the time “What is next” . It was about the relationship we started. He wanted us to be together, me to stay there. But it was like he wanted me to decide what I am going to do right in the moment.  And so I became silent again. After this he actually apologized, telling me that it was to much pressure.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
    #212761
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    You didn’t share before that he wanted you and him to be together, that he wanted you to stay there.

    All the thoughts you expressed about this relationship and you never mentioned this important part, and so, I didn’t know that he wanted you to stay. Now it seems to me that he was very much infatuated with you.

    anita

    #212763
    tidalwave
    Participant

    Sorry to confuse you.  I am confused myself, this situation was pretty unusual to me. But i am trying to tell you as much as possible.
    How different do you see this situation now? And do you think, I should write him now, after hearing all that?

    #212765
    tidalwave
    Participant

    I think one thing I’ve learned from this situation is how complicated we are. There are no standard packs of personalities. It is always a enormously big field of traits, different situations , genes, and surroundings that build us as people. I imagine how hard it is to advice something, you didn’t experience to live personally. Its even pretty impossible to get the whole image for a complete stranger. I am wondering how you deal with it. But thank you.

    #212773
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    You wrote three posts ago: “My problem.. Over-analyzing”. Clearly, over analyzing you are missing the simple things, not seeing what is there. You go to the periphery of the situation.

    You wrote in your recent post: “I’ve learned from this situation is how complicated we are”- I disagree. We are not that complicated if we see what is in front of us, if we see reality for what it is. When you are blind to what is in the middle of the picture and you focus on the periphery, on this and that and the other things, then life is confusing and complicated.

    It doesn’t have to be this way. To see reality for what it is, it takes you being a participant in life, an active participant not that passive observer, going “into a ‘viewer mode’… just observing this situation from a ‘bird view, like it was not happening to me”.

    anita

     

    #212785
    tidalwave
    Participant

    I guess that, what you described now, is the real problem of mine. This not activeness, just observing. Because now I have this tendency too. I get tired of being active so quickly so I go to this mode.

    That is why i get in these kind of situations. Honestly, I feel disgusted about it. I hate being like this .

    #212789
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    I used to be a passive observer for decades, not participating in my own life. It was a terrible experience for me. A person cannot be mentally well, cannot live a functional life when not actively participating in one’s life.

    I don’t think any child starts out not participating. It is a reaction to anxiety. The good news is that it is not a life sentence. You too can start actively participate, thoughtfully and intentionally living your life.

    I will be away from the computer for a couple of hour. Post more if you want and I will rely when I am back.

    anita

    #212791
    tidalwave
    Participant

    How did you get through this? Why did you have this problem?

    #212799
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tidea Janamori:

    “Why did you have this problem?”-I became a passive observer in my life because I was very scared. I think it started when I was five or so, when my mother was fighting very badly with my father, at night, that one night she told him, yelling, so very desperate, she sounded… she told him that she was going to kill herself, and she left the apartment into the night. I don’t remember all that happened but I left after her, in the dark, going down the stairs. I was looking for her dead body. As I went down the stairs I imagined I was in a movie, an exciting movie and none of what was happening- was really happening. It was all a part of a movie and I was an actress, a movie star. I was performing for the camera. I remember that as I imagined it, I felt a pleasant feeling, no longer fear, but pleasant, like a movie star would feel performing to a camera.

    “How did you get through this?”- it started with my first quality psychotherapy a bit more than seven years ago. Ever since then I have been engaged in what I call the healing path, daily, persistently. Part of my healing process is my participation here, in this communication with you. I am not performing here, with you, I am actively participating.

    anita

    #212861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * testing

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 78 total)

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