Will I ever get over this

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This topic has 17 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by CLB.

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February 17, 2018 at 10:33 am #192953

Mathilde-S
Participant

I’m writing this as a last plead for help. the story might seem ridiculous to some, but it is how i feel it.

In september, I met a guy at a house party, with whom things really, really clicked (and it almost never happens that I find someone that I like). He took me out for some food and climbing, was very sweet, extremely so. Flirty but not too much, I fell for him instantly. He would call me almost every night, stayed over often and for a few weeks things were awesome. He was very protective, gentle, caring, adorable. I was terribly attracted to him and the thought of seeing him soon would put me on a little cloud, I was fully and genuinely happy.

To be able to wrap around his arms and fall asleep there, have him kiss me my forehead as I snuggled up against is the most heart-filling situation I’ve experienced.
Soon though, he began to be more distant, didn’t call as much, wouldn’t be as caring. I was terrified of losing something that brought so much warmth and joy to my life, so had to ask him for confirmations. He never really took them seriously and I almost felt as if me asking this annoyed him (even though we had a whole discussion about trust, about how we can work on my trust issues)

Towards the end, we had planned that he stayed over after a night out with some of his friends (I went out with some other friends). When he came back, very late, we had a discussion in which he straight up told me ‘you’re not the most important thing in my life’, and made it clear that he thought i was being needy and unconfident, and that we ‘weren’t on the same page’, we didn’t speak for a week, I eventually called things off, to which he replied ‘sounds perfect to me’. Not like we were seeing each other multiple times a week for more than a month, went to dinner together often and he even asked the waiter to take a picture of us at the restaurant.

Heshowered me with kisses and affection. It has been 3 months now, and I think about him almost every minute of every day. I miss having him stay over, cuddling up against him, and truth be told I’m very much in love with him (even though he gives 0 craps about me because i heard he was hooking up with this girl since, and I don’t think he ever truly cared, despite making me believe so) I am so devastated that I won’t ever find someone I like that much again, every day is a chore.

My friends aren’t really the most entertaining people ever, a bit boring, and all I want is to have him back. I have lost any will to live, and nothing in this life satistifies or even remotely amuses me anymore. i tried to pick up on new hobbies or things, but it’s a lost combat, it’s just a mask to fill a void. I fell in love with him and I don’t know how , and if I can, get out of it

February 17, 2018 at 6:17 pm #193033

GL
Participant

I don’t think I’m qualify to write anything so I can only send you these links and hope they’ll help you in some way. Good luck.

https://www.thecut.com/2016/02/ask-polly-why-did-my-dream-man-dump-me.html

https://www.thecut.com/2015/09/ask-polly-why-doesnt-anyone-like-me.html

https://www.thecut.com/2016/03/ask-polly-what-am-i-doing-wrong-with-men.html

https://www.thecut.com/2016/05/ask-polly-why-do-i-always-want-unavailable-men.html

https://www.thecut.com/2016/04/ask-polly-how-do-i-start-believing-in-my-worth.html

https://www.thecut.com/2015/05/ask-polly-help-i-feel-like-im-drowning.html

https://www.thecut.com/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-being-so-obsessed.html

https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/ask-polly-why-do-i-only-want-unavailable-men.html

https://www.thecut.com/2017/01/ask-polly-when-will-i-feel-worthy.html

February 18, 2018 at 5:47 am #193097

abubin
Participant

Dear Mathilde-S,

This is just my personal opinion, just want to give you point of view from a different perspective.

I think the man is not really in love with you. He did not acted like he did even though for a brief moment seems like he did. And he moved on with another woman that quickly? That tells a lot about him. You need to stop drowning over such a man. I am saying this as a person who is still in pain from a break-up. I know it is hard to forget but life goes on. It is true like what you said, everything you do becomes pointless and your mind is constantly thinking about him (her in my case). Time will heal as long as you stop wallowing over him. Know that you are not alone and we all who have been through this is with you.

Surround yourself with people that love you. Like friends or family. Don’t give up cause you deserve better.

February 18, 2018 at 6:20 am #193113

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mathilde-S,

Sometimes, when we start to fall in love, and attracted to someone, we of course get giddy and we become addicted to the excitement that person brings into our life. However, sometimes, we (without knowing it) lose ourself in the process and make that person “out life” “the center of our universe”. Our lives were maybe mundane and a little dull before we met that person, and suddenly everything changes, we are taken to great places, exciting events, cuddling, missing and it gives us a natural high. Our brains get used to that, and when it is suddenly taken away, we fall into despair, depression, grief and anxiety. Everything has now become boring, like you stated, your friends seem boring.

The trick is not to make this person your life and to depend on them for entertainment and your happiness. No One can provide this for you, but you. You have to be happy with yourself and being single before a man will be happy with you, otherwise they will start to feel resentment and drained and think of you as to dependent on them and clingy, as they cannot be “your life” or your entertainment.

The next time you meet a man, make sure you have hobbies, passions and have created your own excitement. Men find this attractive. They don’t like neediness. Its too emotionally demanding and taxing to them, and this is probably what happened with this man. At first things were great, romantic, sweet, simple, but then you tell in love and became dependent on him as your source of happiness and well-being, and he saw that and ran. I too have had this happen to me, and have had to work on this myself. In other words, I make sure to have hobbies, go out with friends, not nitpick the man about his going out, or coming home late, not depending on him for excitement and my happiness. x

February 18, 2018 at 6:24 am #193115
Eliana
Participant
Typos in above post: “out life” should read “our life” “missing” should read “kissing”
- This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
February 18, 2018 at 6:35 am #193119

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mathilde-S:

You wrote: “the story might seem ridiculous to some, but it is how I feel it”- your feelings are not ridiculous, your story, your life experience is not ridiculous.

A summary of your story: September last year you met a guy at a house party. He was “very protective, gentle, caring, extremely sweet to you. He called you almost every night and stayed over often. After a few weeks of that he called you less often and started expressing slight anger with you (annoyance). He told you: “You’re not the most important thing in my life”, and “we’re (not) on the same page”. When you ended the relationship he said: “Sounds perfect to me”. The relationship ended November (my calculation), a two months relationship.

You wrote that being with him (in the first few weeks) was “the most heart-filling situation I’ve experience”, and later you wrote that you didn’t manage to “fill a void” created by him not being in your life.

That void preceded him, was there before you met him. Temporarily, his presence filled that void and it felt wonderful.

I am wondering about his anger at you, his annoyance evident in what he told you, those quotes you mentioned. What do you think brought that about?

I wonder if you pressured him to spend more time with you, if you applied pressure on him in some way.

anita

February 18, 2018 at 6:52 am #193123

Mathilde-S
Participant

I actually did my very best to not initiate contact first. I let him contact me most of the time, I would too, but usually gave him a lot of leeway.

After spending that much time with me and him calling me at least once every 2 days, I would think he would assume that I deserve at least more than a ‘sounds perfect to me’. I don’t care if you lost interest, appreciate that you were seeing someone for 2 months and you spend significant amounts of time with them, and you can’t just throw them away like a used sock

February 18, 2018 at 7:04 am #193133

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mathilde-S,

I think that comment was a knee jerk reaction. We really don’t know how he felt. He was the one being broke with. Some people cry, some people plead, some people have no words, and other people get cocky as a defense mechanism. I am sure it hurt him, so to cover it up, he used sarcasm. Yes, I agree, you deserved better, but you can’t change the past. Something changed within him, his true colors came out, and this is not a man you want as a life partner. x

February 18, 2018 at 7:48 am #193153

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mathilde-S:

It sounds terrible, to be treated like a “used sock”- I know the feeling and the experience. It does feel badly. Unfortunately it happens a whole lot, people treating other people badly.

If there is anything you can learn from the experience, it can be helpful. Any warning signs of the coming used-sock experience… if you learn something, you can better prevent such an experience in the future.

anita

February 18, 2018 at 2:13 pm #193209

Mathilde-S
Participant

Most of everything, is trying to understand how I can move on.

I get attached quickly, and sharing intimate moments with someone whom I thought felt the same thing, and realizing I was actually just another girl who fooled around with, is pretty traumatic.

I don’t even like that many people, in 22 years of existence I only liked about 2 or 3 people, so the likelihood of meeting someone else is very very slim. He was one of the few I was actually attracted to

I did fall in love with him, and I just cannot comprehend how and if I will get over this

February 19, 2018 at 6:50 am #193285

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mathilde-S:

I didn’t understand: you wrote that you “get attached quickly, and sharing intimate moments with someone” but then you wrote that “in 22 years of existence (you) only liked about 2 or 3 people”-

do you mean that in 22 years you got quickly attached to 2 or 3 people but not at all attached to others?

anita

February 19, 2018 at 8:06 am #193291

Mathilde-S
Participant

Yes its exactly that. I either like a person a LOT, or I do not at all. and 99.9% of boys I didn’t at all. But when you start sharing intimate moments with someone it becomes very quick. I hope that clarifies 🙂

I’ll also add quite a significant factor: the guy in question had to take a gap year of his studies and actually lived in another city 2h30 drive away, he came up during the weekend to practice his hobby. His ‘schedule’ was a bit erratic and a lot of things were up in the air about his situation. He also told me he has family issues at home

February 19, 2018 at 8:16 am #193297

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mathilde-S:

When you liked that guy so much, seems to me that you liked him a lot before you got to know him. And you assumed things that were not true to him and to the relationship with him. You assumed he felt the same as you did, assumed he was motivated same as you were and therefore you expected him to feel and behave certain ways.

Liking a man and feeling attracted to a man is not an indication that it is.. meant to be. It only means that you are motivated to have a relationship with him.

Get to know a man before you assume, act on what you learn about him. Get to know him gradually.

anita

February 19, 2018 at 8:53 am #193309
Eliana
Participant
Hi Mathilde-S,

It looks like you are in good hands, but I did want to make a short comment, because I have been keeping up with this thread, and hope you don’t mind. I too struggle with this. I am trying to work this out in therapy and my 12 step programs, but my therapist put a word to it, called anxious attachment, or something similar to that. I too get attached very quickly..the giddyness, the excitement, therefore, I have alot of unrealistic expectations of the man and end up sabatoging the relationship 3-6 months later, heartbroken..then it takes me forever to “get over” that person..I dwell, and dwell and drive my self crazy with the “if only” what if I would have” I go from anger, to sadness, to self-pity, to shame, the list goes on. This can be worked out in therapy or the pattern will keep repeating itself. We will continue to fall for men who can’t love us back, or we fall too quickly and scare them off, or get clingy, etc. They become all consuming, the center of our world “When will he call?? Did I do something wrong???” and the anxiety goes on and on. I have decided continuing like this I will not find love in this state of anxiety and inner turmoil. I just want peace. There is a book that has helped me immensely, called “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. It has been around a long time and is a best selling book. It gets updated every year. I think you will find it helpful as I have. x
- This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
February 19, 2018 at 2:45 pm #193429

Mathilde-S
Participant

Thank you very much for your responses, every single one of them.

Now that I established what went wrong why, is there any way for me ‘heal’ in some sort? Because how things are looking now, I don’t think I will find happiness any time soon.

I think about the what-ifs a lot, on how dumb I feel and how cocky and proud he must feel, how he probably thought i was clingy and annoying (which is the very last thing I want to be)

But more than anything I wonder IF I will ever move on, stop thinking about him every single day..
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