I don’t think I’m qualify to write anything so I can only send you these links and hope they’ll help you in some way. Good luck.

https://www.thecut.com/2016/02/ask-polly-why-did-my-dream-man-dump-me.html

https://www.thecut.com/2015/09/ask-polly-why-doesnt-anyone-like-me.html

https://www.thecut.com/2016/03/ask-polly-what-am-i-doing-wrong-with-men.html

https://www.thecut.com/2016/05/ask-polly-why-do-i-always-want-unavailable-men.html

https://www.thecut.com/2016/04/ask-polly-how-do-i-start-believing-in-my-worth.html

https://www.thecut.com/2015/05/ask-polly-help-i-feel-like-im-drowning.html

https://www.thecut.com/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-being-so-obsessed.html

https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/ask-polly-why-do-i-only-want-unavailable-men.html

https://www.thecut.com/2017/01/ask-polly-when-will-i-feel-worthy.html

Hi Mathilde-S,

Sometimes, when we start to fall in love, and attracted to someone, we of course get giddy and we become addicted to the excitement that person brings into our life. However, sometimes, we (without knowing it) lose ourself in the process and make that person “out life” “the center of our universe”. Our lives were maybe mundane and a little dull before we met that person, and suddenly everything changes, we are taken to great places, exciting events, cuddling, missing and it gives us a natural high. Our brains get used to that, and when it is suddenly taken away, we fall into despair, depression, grief and anxiety. Everything has now become boring, like you stated, your friends seem boring.

The trick is not to make this person your life and to depend on them for entertainment and your happiness. No One can provide this for you, but you. You have to be happy with yourself and being single before a man will be happy with you, otherwise they will start to feel resentment and drained and think of you as to dependent on them and clingy, as they cannot be “your life” or your entertainment.

The next time you meet a man, make sure you have hobbies, passions and have created your own excitement. Men find this attractive. They don’t like neediness. Its too emotionally demanding and taxing to them, and this is probably what happened with this man. At first things were great, romantic, sweet, simple, but then you tell in love and became dependent on him as your source of happiness and well-being, and he saw that and ran. I too have had this happen to me, and have had to work on this myself. In other words, I make sure to have hobbies, go out with friends, not nitpick the man about his going out, or coming home late, not depending on him for excitement and my happiness. x

Dear Mathilde-S:

You wrote: “the story might seem ridiculous to some, but it is how I feel  it”- your feelings are not ridiculous, your story, your life experience is not ridiculous.

A summary of your story: September last year you met a guy at a house party. He was “very protective, gentle, caring, extremely sweet to you. He called you almost every night and stayed over often. After a few weeks of that he called you less often and started expressing slight anger with you (annoyance). He told you: “You’re not the most important thing in my life”, and “we’re (not) on the same page”. When you ended the relationship he said: “Sounds perfect to me”. The relationship ended November (my calculation), a two months relationship.

You wrote that being with him (in the first few weeks) was “the most heart-filling situation I’ve experience”, and later you wrote that you didn’t manage to “fill a void” created by him not being in your life.

That void preceded him, was there before you met him. Temporarily, his presence filled that void and it felt wonderful.

I am wondering about his anger at you, his annoyance evident in what he told you, those quotes you mentioned. What do you think brought that about?

I wonder if you pressured him to spend more time with you, if you applied pressure on him in some way.

anita

Hi Mathilde-S,

I think that comment was a knee jerk reaction. We really don’t know how he felt. He was the one being broke with. Some people cry, some people plead, some people have no words, and other people get cocky as a defense mechanism. I am sure it hurt him, so to cover it up, he used sarcasm. Yes, I agree, you deserved better, but you can’t change the past. Something changed within him, his true colors came out, and this is not a man you want as a life partner. x

Hi Mathilde-S,

It looks like you are in good hands, but I did want to make a short comment, because I have been keeping up with this thread, and hope you don’t mind. I too struggle with this. I am trying to work this out in therapy and my 12 step programs, but my therapist put a word to it, called anxious attachment, or something similar to that. I too get attached very quickly..the giddyness, the excitement, therefore, I have alot of unrealistic expectations of the man and end up sabatoging the relationship 3-6 months later, heartbroken..then it takes me forever to “get over” that person..I dwell, and dwell and drive my self crazy with the “if only” what if I would have” I go from anger, to sadness, to self-pity, to shame, the list goes on. This can be worked out in therapy or the pattern will keep repeating itself. We will continue to fall for men who can’t love us back, or we fall too quickly and scare them off, or get clingy, etc. They become all consuming, the center of our world “When will he call?? Did I do something wrong???” and the anxiety goes on and on. I have decided continuing like this I will not find love in this state of anxiety and inner turmoil. I just want peace. There is a book that has helped me immensely, called “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. It has been around a long time and is a best selling book. It gets updated every year. I think you will find it helpful as I have. x

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.

Yes, most definitely. You will heal..you will get over this. Time is the greatest healer. No, I don’t think he is feeling cocky and proud. He probably has alot of worries like we all do. He is not sitting around all day and thinking “ha! I showed her! I’m so great! He has bills to pay, work, and other worries, so don’t worry that he is thinking that about you. You will only make yourself miserable. Think instead of him sitting alone, single, and sad..maybe he is..No one knows what anyone is thinking, but I doubt he is feeling cocky in any sort of way. Just try to replace any negative thoughts with the beautiful memories you shared with him. Not many people get to experience that, fall in love, feel butterflies, etc.

I know it took me a very long time to get over past loves. In the meantime, the book called “How to get over the loss of a love brought me comfort and help”. Just be patient with yourself and the healing process. One day at a time. Then all of a sudden, one day you will wake up, not thinking anymore. It is easy when we just lose someone to be in despair, and think “how will we get over them, and when? But it will happen. Some days, you will take one step forward and two steps back. The next day you may not think about him. The next day you will think of calling him or texting him. But realize these are fleeting thoughts and they will pass. Each day does get better. There is no deadline. Be gentle on yourself, nurture your inner child. Take a nice hot bubble bath, listen to some soothing music, maybe smooth jazz, or uplifting dance music. Go to a comedy club and laugh. Just try to keep busy and gave fun being single, that is the best revenge. x